Married man's games making me crazy...

[thummper]

Thirtysomething, I get where you're coming from, I really do. Before you do something that may come back to haunt you in years to come, decide if you really want to be married to your hubby. It's possible you will never get over what he's done and it will cloud and poison your marriage from now on out. Maybe you should just end this and move on. You're young, you can start over with someone who will really love and cherish you and not betray your trust. This other guy isn't the one, though. He knows you're dissatisfied in your marriage, and he'll use that to edge his way in the way all players do. He's nothing special, just a typical philanderer out to knock off a piece of a$$ from an attractive and vulnerable young woman. When he gets what he wants, he'll move on to his next conquest and leave you in the dust. If all you're looking for is just empty and meaningless sex, then go for it, but before you do consider what the future may hold for you. Do you really want to assist this sleaze in cheating on his wife and family? Just sayin'.

[gia37]

This was exactly (his sexual comments, but on the sweet side, not very direct) how I fell for the MM Im in love with (have been 2 years). It has been platonic between us though.

[No Limit]

OP, you've been used by your idiot of a husband. Now you're being used by another idiot and are even willing.

 

Since you already write you doubt your very own ability to stay faithful (and I don't blame you - if laws suddenly changed so divorce is impossible and I was stuck with a guy who cheats, I'd go find my luck elsewhere as well) I think you should seriously consider divorce. 'Cause, you know, in this world you have the option to do so and just imagine for a moment; there are guys who will be faithful to you, and you'll even want to be faithful to them!

 

And if you are firm in your want to cheat, at least do it with a guy who is single (not even a girlfriend involved, you hear?). No matter what stupid prick this guy is, his wife and overall children are innocent and you shouldn't - and don't want to - have any part in damaging them.

[BetrayedH]

^^This here is pretty much what my shrink says (yes I see a shrink because yes I know I am messed up). Except it is my husband who is the "rug sweeper" NOT me. When I caught on to his infidelities and he begged me not to chuck his a$$ out I told him - on many occasions - that while I would not go out and sleep with just anyone to get back at him, someday I might meet someone who tempted me and then I wouldn't feel bad about going for it. My husband is the one who chose to stick his head in the sand and pretend that I didn't really mean it.

 

Ah, so this is more of a revenge affair than anything. I went thru this, too. I never did like the term, revenge affair, because mine was less about revenge and more about bringing some balance to the relationship. I didn't want her to know or be hurt by it. My wife had an affair with her boss and I couldn't handle the thought of her having had this year-long fantasy affair replete with hotel rooms while I just sat quietly eating my sh:t sandwich. I had every justification in the book. So I get the idea of feeling entitled and wanting a little action and thrill for yourself.

 

The bummer is that affairs of pretty much any kind just bring a disaster upon your head. It won't undo your husband's affairs. It doesn't improve your marriage. It doesn't heal you. If it brings any balance to the situation, it'll just be that now neither of you have any integrity. Don't think it matters? I can tell you from experience that it does matter. Doing your own 'wrong' isn't going to make anything right.

 

And sadly, you're a woman and women are much less likely to just participate in a sexual fling without the emotions being involved. Heck, you've already discussed your emotional connection - he's "saved your life," etc.. So then you're going to be an adulteress who is emotionally stuck on a married man, ur marriage will still be a mess, and your H will forever be able to say how you're just as guilty as he is. Say goodbye to the moral high ground and your victim status. Don't think you'll care? You will.

 

The OM/OW forum reading was a great suggestion. There is one story after another from woman after woman who cannot seem to extricate themselves from a disastrous situation. The married man almost never leaves his wife and the OW has become completely emotionally attached and compromised everything for him, only to ultimately be discarded. It also means that you'll have participated in the destruction of his family, just like the women that did it to yours. You haven't yet mentioned that little detail. Perhaps you've just managed to compartmentalize those thoughts away, just like every other cheater.

 

Is this really the life you want for yourself?

[Snowflower]

I will definitely check out the OW thread; thanks for that suggestion. I also get what is being said about integrity, but I get sick of the double standard: I am expected to have integrity, but my husband and this other man are not.

 

 

Is this the best justification you have for doing something that will be so painful to you, not to mention this man's wife?

 

Please, you know this is wrong. Why do you want to hurt yourself in all this? Why do you want to cause pain to another woman after you went through the same thing yourself?

 

I think BH's post above summed it up nicely and he also engaged in an affair after his spouse cheated on him. His viewpoint might be/should be valuable.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I will definitely check out the OW thread; thanks for that suggestion. I also get what is being said about integrity, but I get sick of the double standard: I am expected to have integrity, but my husband and this other man are not.

 

Is it fair that he got to sow his wild oats and you didn't? No not really, so you seem to feel entitled to pursue a relationship with Mr Right Now. This leads me to my first question, how many times do you have to sleep with this guy to make you two even? Does it have to go on for a specific period of time? Do you have to have a relationship with multiple partners or will one suffice? How do you propose that any of this will help your relationship with your husband?

 

Was your husbands behavior acceptable? No, and you have a right to divorce him and pursue other relationships. However, nothing that your spouse did justifies affairs as acts of vengeance. So now you have to decide what you want to do. My recommendation is to finish one relationship before you start another one.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Thanks so much everyone...the fog is starting to clear again...let's hope it doesn't roll back in this time.

 

BH I know exactly how you feel...despite what my husband did if I were to do the same I would have no desire for him to find out so I could hurt him. Despite everything I can't stand to see him hurt. As for the wife and kids my justification was that they would never know...I sure as hell would never tell them!!

 

But with all that being said, I am putting a stop to this crap. So far no lines have been crossed (at least not on my end) and I intend to keep it that way. The other night I got a sweet message from a really nice lady I know who used to be this guy's assistant and it dawned on me how many (great) people this guy and I know in common (I'm also close with his current assistant!) and how many wonderful people I could lose from my life, not to mention my reputation which is excellent...today when I was with him and other mutual friends having a great time it dawned on me once again how devestated I would be to lose ANY of them as friends, including him.

 

My shrink's take is this: innappropriate comments aside, this guy IS a good friend/positive influence who is good for me to have in my life...so long as I ensure no ligns are crossed. She has confidence in my ability to do the right thing should he ever make a move on me.

 

She also says that if things don't work out with my husband that I am a gorgeous woman with many options in life...but this guy will never be one of them. And really when I think of how many doors his friendship has opened for me, why would I want to mess that up and lose everything?

 

I think I'll (partially) come clean with my husband tonight - he of all people can help reiterate how bad $hit can go when two opposite sex friends cross the line, having been there himself...

 

THANKS A MILLION to everyone who took the time to respond...this really seems like a great community and I am happy to be here.

[BetrayedH]

Great thoughts all around. If I might recommend a book, I'd highly suggest you get a copy of Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It's not only appropriate to your situation but I also consider it a sort of Infidelity Bible. Lots of research-based information and very enlightening.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head when you started to think about unintended consequences. It is remarkable how much people only think of the fun part (kinda like any other coping mechanism like drugs or alcohol). We assume we can avoid the consequences. From what little statistical data I can find on it, about half of all affairs eventually become known to the betrayed spouse. About 25% are confessed and another 25% are discovered. You've got about a 50% chance of everything blowing up in your face and the exposure rarely stops at the betrayed spouse.

 

But most of all, I like that you want to discuss this with your H. Awesome. You CAN recover from your H's infidelity but you can't go under it, over it, or around it; you must go through it. And it takes a lot of work on your H's part and then forgiveness eventually falls to you. If he doesn't do his part or you can't do yours, there's no shame in divorcing. Your logical, ethical, moral, and healthy choices are either to fix the marriage or leave it. Don't give yourself this third option. The bonus is that if you both manage to adopt the concept of an honest and authentic relationship, you'll have the marriage you wanted in the first place.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 29, 2014 by BetrayedH

[No Limit]

As for the wife and kids my justification was that they would never know...I sure as hell would never tell them!!

 

That wouldn't undo it. You can hide it and lie until your jaw breaks and it still would have really happened; the betrayal is real, no matter if they know or not.

 

Nonetheless, it's good you've gotten out of the fog. Good luck in the future.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Thank you much BH for the kind and supportive words and the book recommendation - I've heard of the book before and will definitely check it out. It's none of my business and you don't have to answer, but did you and your wife manage to work things out?

 

So, an update, last night I told my husband most everything. He took it pretty well though obviously he's not thrilled. Oh, and he knew in his gut already that some other guy was after me - he first suspected one of my bosses at my new (current) job (nope) but this guy was suspect #2 as my husband has felt for awhile that this guy is way too interested in my life. What he had to say:

 

- That the other guy is definitely working me in the hopes of getting me to sleep with him.

 

- That his 2 employees know exactly what is going on and are his "wingmen" and of course he wants a couple of buddies he can brag to/show off for.

 

- That he feels a bit sorry for this guy because they are the exact same age (both a decade older than me) only unlike my husband, the "poor dumb bastard" got married in his early twenties (NOT typical for where we live). My husband says the guy is like an animal caught in a trap trying to chew his own leg off to escape and while he can sympathize with him to an extent he made his own bed and will have to lie in it.

 

- That this guy is miserable in his own marriage and wants out even if he hasn't admitted it to himself. If it was only about sex he would just go bang some chick from the bar or something...my husband was once a cheating married guy and said no way did he ever work for it the way this guy has been.

 

- That the reason he is after me instead of one of the younger single women we both know is because they would be too clingy and annoying and would expect too much from him, whereas a married person like me would be equally busy with her own life and would "know the deal."

 

I know everyone rolls their eyes when I refer to him as a great guy, but even my husband thinks continuing to be his friend is beneficial for me and he is fine with it, but I must make it crystal clear to him that nothing is going to happen with me and he needs to look elsewhere. Oh, and as my shrink already said, I am never to be alone with him. He is pretty disheartened by "how long this guy has been at it."

 

My husband was to go fishing this weekend but cancelled his trip to spend time with me (and/or keep an eye on me). Awhile back I showed my husband a picture of this group of friends and I, including this other guy, and my husband has not yet asked which guy in the photo is him because I don't think he can handle it yet...I know he is really struggling with who this other guy is money and status wise.

 

Thanks again all, and I'll keep you posted. I still wonder if telling my husband was the right choice, but it is out there now.

Edited August 30, 2014 by thirtysomethingteen

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Being married or not, some men are quiet about sexual stuff in public.

 

I am not one to show my sexual side unless it is private with my mate.

 

Now he may be hiding the fact that your his mistress, and just a friend so to speak, so you must take that as his own protection.

 

You can if you feel if things are just going to be mistress level only, tell him to make a decision and set a goal to make things right between you, in becoming divorced.

 

Obviously you want more than being the third wheel. Time to get his butt moving along or move along before your left out in the cold.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you much BH for the kind and supportive words and the book recommendation - I've heard of the book before and will definitely check it out. It's none of my business and you don't have to answer, but did you and your wife manage to work things out?

 

You're welcome.

 

My wife and I didn't make it. While having my own affair wasn't the catalyst for the divorce, it didn't help. But I discovered some really disturbing crap about my wife's affair (the final straw was really that she was still lying about it all). I lost it. And she filed.

 

Edit to add: your decision to tell your husband was excellent. You are a team in all things in life.

[A.Moscote]

I still wonder if telling my husband was the right choice, but it is out there now.

Seems like for you it wasn't a right decision to discuss this openly with your husband, may we know why you think so? What effect it had that made it a wrong choice? From that latest post, I perceived it as quite a positive step overall, and a brave decision, kudos.

 

Yes, we can understand, and even admit, that disclosing something like this will always invoke pain and hurts on both side, but personally for me, it is what I think the right step in the right direction. Keep on that path, you'd be surprised.

 

Hopefully with a lot of understanding, openness, and sincere commitment to each other, both of you can see and correct own mistakes, and pave the way forward. And please believe with efforts and the aforementioned values, your husband can exudes the same whatever charms or flirts the MM does.

 

Cherish what you have 30'steen, work on it, improve, and enjoy. Good luck.

[aliveagain]

Telling your husband was absolutely the right thing to do because even though there is no hard way to really measure it, you just built a huge mountain of trust with that man. Cancelling his fishing trip has nothing to do with wanting to watch you, I think your seeing his realization that he has been taking you for granted and fears he may loose you if he doesn't start showing you what you really mean to him. You kept your word when others would have taken advantage of the situation and even though he didn't say it to you he already suspected something was going on. You did good.

[thummper]

I really admire the steps you have taken. You stayed strong and didn't allow yourself to become just another notch on a cheater's bedpost. And your choice to stay and work things out with a husband who betrayed you reveals a lot about your character. You took your marriage vows seriously even though your hubby faltered on his end. I'm sure he appreciates the fact that you confided your temptations to him and that you stayed loyal. I hope that he can make the kind of marriage for you that you obviously deserve. I wish you good luck and many years of happiness.