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Posted

Can't believe you're still thinking of contacting him.. again.. wow just wow

 

I'm done here. best of luck.

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Posted (edited)
can't believe you're still thinking of contacting him.. Again.. Wow just wow

 

i'm done here. Best of luck.

 

Who said I was?! I'm not! Someone else suggested that I do.

You seem to have selective reading skills! But no matter....

Edited by venusishername
Posted

Your #5 and #8 conflict somewhat. I wouldn’t date a man who said #5 and #8 to me now, because I do want an LTR now. But I haven’t always wanted that, and not surprisingly, the men I dated during that time were just as carefree and uncommitted as I was.

 

The reason I don't think you should contact him is because he's under your skin (you think about him a lot given the length and nature of your interactions) and you don't really want him as he is. He disappoints you. You want more from him. He doesn't give you what you want. But part of your dissatisfaction with him might be because you don't really know for certain what you want, or want now. Maybe he's been a puzzle piece in helping you define what you want.

  • Like 2
Posted
I agree with you, boilingpoint that its dumb to call him a player and that he didn't do anything wrong. Where we met is irrelevant though. I know meeting someone in a bar has a bad rap.

For the record, of course I also have options, I'm just not meeting anyone else right now that interests me. Hoping that's around the corner again...

 

I'm confused. Everyone's telling me he could care less, and to not dare contact him or chase him, but here you and Lissvarna are saying to request that we meet at a specific date and time? If he knows I'm interested, why should I make any effort if he's the one who backed off? I'm hearing you say he will likely reject me or evade the invitation, but that he's probably going to contact me later when convenient for him? Huh?!

 

I suggested you do so because it's still bothering you. Even though we're all explaining what likely happened, sometimes we need our own "proof" of what's going on to be able to accept it... so I mean, if you text him and ask if he wants to have dinner or whatever over the weekend and he declines/is vague again, then you know FOR SURE he's not pursing anything further b/c he's looking for easy sex and he knows you won't provide it. Might this be a hit to your pride? Yep. And you could skip it all together. But you barely know this guy, so who cares what he thinks about you asking again- if it gives you peace of mind/makes you feel like you understand what's going on.

 

If he does make plans... they must be in public, and you should only see him knowing full well this relationship likely isn't going anywhere and of course, absolutely not engage in any sexual activity with him.

Posted

I would agree with lissvarna in a normal circumstance, but I think it has been made clear that he isn't interested in pursuing OP romantically.

 

I think it's best if she just lets it drop at that and try to move on from this guy.

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Posted
The reason I don't think you should contact him is because he's under your skin (you think about him a lot given the length and nature of your interactions) and you don't really want him as he is. He disappoints you. You want more from him. He doesn't give you what you want. But part of your dissatisfaction with him might be because you don't really know for certain what you want, or want now. Maybe he's been a puzzle piece in helping you define what you want.

 

This is very insightful, thank you! I think that's a very important lesson to take from it.

 

I suggested you do so because it's still bothering you. Even though we're all explaining what likely happened, sometimes we need our own "proof" of what's going on to be able to accept it... so I mean, if you text him and ask if he wants to have dinner or whatever over the weekend and he declines/is vague again, then you know FOR SURE he's not pursing anything further b/c he's looking for easy sex and he knows you won't provide it. Might this be a hit to your pride? Yep. And you could skip it all together. But you barely know this guy, so who cares what he thinks about you asking again- if it gives you peace of mind/makes you feel like you understand what's going on.

 

Thanks, Lissvarna, I see what you're saying. I'm going to skip it all together. I wasn't planning to ever contact him again after the last time. My concern has been seeing him around, because we will... we already have. If we run into each other again like the other day, I would still expect him to be the one to make plans. He didn't do that.

 

If he does make plans... they must be in public, and you should only see him knowing full well this relationship likely isn't going anywhere and of course, absolutely not engage in any sexual activity with him.

 

 

Well, this is just simply not on the table, so no need to plan ahead for that.

Posted (edited)
I agree with you, boilingpoint that its dumb to call him a player and that he didn't do anything wrong. Where we met is irrelevant though. I know meeting someone in a bar has a bad rap.

For the record, of course I also have options, I'm just not meeting anyone else right now that interests me. Hoping that's around the corner again...

 

I'm confused. Everyone's telling me he could care less, and to not dare contact him or chase him, but here you and Lissvarna are saying to request that we meet at a specific date and time? If he knows I'm interested, why should I make any effort if he's the one who backed off? I'm hearing you say he will likely reject me or evade the invitation, but that he's probably going to contact me later when convenient for him? Huh?!

 

I'm saying to act on your own needs and desires and not worry about his so much. If you're not a priority for him, then he should DEFINITELY not be a priority for you. Judging by this thread I'd say he's pretty important to you. SO what you need to do is respect your own needs and do what YOU need to do to put this episode behind you. You need a yes or no answer as to whether he wants or does not want to date you? Then go get your answer!

 

You can just assume rejection though - I would under these circumstances. I'm just wondering if you have a glimmer of hope that he'll be back in touch and that you'll have another shot. If so you should text him to get your answer now rather than wait for him 'to come round' as it were. That way you at least have some control over the outcome.

Edited by boilingpoint
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Posted (edited)
I'm saying to act on your own needs and desires and not worry about his so much. If you're not a priority for him, then he should DEFINITELY not be a priority for you. Judging by this thread I'd say he's pretty important to you. SO what you need to do is respect your own needs and do what YOU need to do to put this episode behind you. You need a yes or no answer as to whether he wants or does not want to date you? Then go get your answer!

 

You could just assume rejection - I would under these circumstances. I'm just wondering if you have a glimmer of hope that he'll be back in touch and that you'll have another shot. If so you should text him to get your answer now rather than wait for him 'to come round' as it were.

 

I was going to quote your 'burning bridges' comment, which sent off a 'ding, ding, ding' in my head.. totally makes sense. :laugh:

 

Yeah, I admit that reconnecting at some point in the future is in the back of my mind. If he did reach out for another shot, yes I would see him again.

I hear what you're saying, but I don't think I need to get the answer directly enough if it means putting my pride on the line. :/

Edited by venusishername
Posted
I was going to quote your 'burning bridges' comment, which sent off a 'ding, ding, ding' in my head.. totally makes sense. :laugh:

 

Yeah, I admit that reconnecting at some point in the future is in the back of my mind. If he did reach out for another shot, yes I would see him again.

I hear what you're saying, but I don't think I need to get the answer directly enough if it means putting my pride on the line. :/

 

Yeah ok. That's probably more sensible to be honest.

 

All the best.

  • Like 1
Posted
Can't believe you're still thinking of contacting him.. again.. wow just wow

 

I'm done here. best of luck.

 

Try reading a little better, the OP never said such, amazing how quickly you jump the gun.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone for your input, especially those who really took the time to read and continue to follow the thread and provide great advice from the start.

 

Yes, it would've been nice for him to say 'I'm not interested in seeing you again' or whatever it is he would say, but I don't need to hear an 'answer'.. there's no way I would seek it out either.

 

We WILL be running into each other in the future, and if we can be friendly, that's good! It's disappointing, but you just can't force something if it's not the right time, place, etc. If that happens and there's an interaction I feel is worth re-opening the thread for, I'll be sure to post an update. But I doubt it ;)

 

I think I clung to this so much because it was the first time in a very long time I met someone who I really liked and could see pursuing something with. I know it was nothing I did nor is a reflection on my worth. I have no regrets, other than having sex with him when I was feeling hesitant to do so. It's been a good lesson for me to actually see how 'ready' I really am, and to be smart about not getting so emotionally absorbed in someone new and exciting.

  • Like 1
Posted
Try reading a little better, the OP never said such, amazing how quickly you jump the gun.

 

If he did reach out for another shot, yes I would see him again.

/

Sid...

There.

And this thread isnt about me.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Ignoring the last post... I'm never considering initiating contact with him again, just so all is crystal clear. I'm saying I wouldn't ignore him if he ever contacted me, or if we see each other again out or on the street.

Before I continue, I just want to ask that people not say things like 'just move on!' 'get over it', and things like that. That doesn't help at all.

I'm just needing to vent a little: long post ahead. I'm not letting it get the better of me or obsessing anymore, but I'm still stung and hurt by what happened. Trying to put it behind me and have self-confidence but my ego is really preventing me from getting past this for some reason!

I can't believe how foolish he is to not want me or want to pursue me I should say. He'll see me around and eat his heart out!! My girlfriends tell me things like 'he's not very bright for doing this', and 'you're a hot commodity.... he knows that', etc. I can't help but feel like he disrespected me though. Maybe that's just a defense mechanism and unsupported. I think showing basic respect would be to let me know that he's not interested when I asked to get together before my trip, or just be honest instead of saying 'yes let's get together soon!' if that wasn't the intention. He was honest about what he was looking for as far as dating; why couldn't be honest about everything else? I know he wasn't obligated to say anything, it's just the right thing to do. I thought he had that in him and I'm disappointed.

 

I did like him very much, and I am pissed that it's so incredibly far and few between that I meet a man I'm actually interested in and that chemistry is there, the qualities and personality I like, lifestyle, career, ambition, brains, etc.

I just want to find the right person!! I am picky and selective, so that's why it's been hard for me to get involved with men. I meet many, just very few I'm interested in. So when it happens, it's so easy to cling to, and like I said I'm painfully lonely and want to fall in love again so badly! I get it that he's looking for something different than I am, or he met someone else, all he wanted was easy sex, whatever the reasons are... but it is still extremely disappointing and frustrating to be pursued that way and then nothing! It's like being shown the candy store but not allowed to taste anything. I KNOW it's not my loss. It's just so hard on my pride. I still can't help but think about certain moments of the short time that we did spend together... and long for that again (in general)!

 

Last night I was lonely and I saw an old 'friend' walk by as I was eating dinner by myself on a restaurant patio. I texted him that I saw him walk by and ended up meeting him for a drink. We live in a small town where you can walk everywhere and so it's common to see people you know around often. This person is what I would call a friend but we have a romantic history. He's wonderful and a gentleman, we have good conversations and are friends, he's a great guy... but it's just not a good romantic fit. We've had this conversation before, about 6 months ago or so where I told him that. We would be kind of like on and off dating.. it's been about 3 years now! We can still be friends, which is good. I'm sure it's disappointing to him because he likes me; but he knows that I just want to be friends, so that's what it is.

 

On the other hand I'd like to think that I might have a new old 'prospect' on the horizon... not quite sure. It's kinda a touchy subject! It's nothing right now at all, but lately a guy I've known for about 5 years is starting to 'like' a lot of my photos on social media. I know that's silly and sounds so juvenile. I've always liked him. He's a part of one of my social circles. His sister is one of my closest girlfriends and former roommate. I know his family, and many of his friends; he broke up with his live in girlfriend a couple months ago, and she always seemed jealous of me for some reason, or more so felt threatened I think because she's insecure and well, her ex appeared to like me. She's not really around anymore and moved out of town, but still an acquaintance through the circle. I haven't seen him lately, but I've been thinking about him now that he's single ! :/ He's a little younger than me... but such a good guy, funny, good values, great family, really motivated and good career. Just a great guy all around, very attractive too. I'm not sure how to reach out since we have never exchanged numbers and I rarely see him...but his sister once told me 'you know J's always liked you' and at the time I had never noticed much.

I know I have other options out there and there are so many fish in the sea to meet!! I'm just still hurt by this last one and it's hard not to take it personally and feel defeated. He's certainly not the top of the heap (although the top of the heap that I've personally ever dated as of yet) It just makes me feel like "DAMMIT! Why is this so ****ing hard for me? It seems simple. I know what I want, I know what I don't want, there's some things I'm figuring out as to both. I just want to not be single anymore. It really sucks. I enjoyed it for the first two years, but I'm so over it now.

Edited by venusishername
Posted

For some, it may and often does seem simple. Not so much for the rest. I really have no ground breaking advice for you. All I can suggest is for you not to settle. Better to be alone than with someone and unhappy.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Doing much better than before, now that I have no doubt in my mind that he dropped interest, and this fizzled out as fast as it ignited, (although that's his loss/he's a fool/it still hurts my ego). Unfortunately it still pops into my mind at times and I think the reason why is that I haven't felt that way in a LONG time and am still just very disappointed that it ended so quickly especially since there was a very strong attraction and we hit it off well, etc. It makes it hard to understand. Even my FWB situations of the past lasted longer than this. He was also a higher quality of man (on paper, at least) than most that I typically encounter, so that makes it a greater disappointment. I don't want to go on about him anymore though, since he isn't even a blip on my radar anymore... although without a doubt I'll be seeing him around town again....which sucks because he's totally unavailable and it'll be just 'rubbing it in' to see him :/

 

Friday night I met with friends to have dinner and drinks; I went to order a drink at the bar and struck up a conversation with someone sitting by himself. I normally wouldn't be so open and friendly with men, which is why I haven't dated much in the past... but we had a great conversation, I actually felt very confident and cool and not nervous and closed off like I've been for so long. We talked for a good 10 minutes there, and later he came and found me on the patio where we were sitting. He asked to join us and he offered me a drink, and we continued talking. My friends left and I wanted to stay and finish up the drink with him but would come meet them in a bit. He said he'd really like to see me again and took my number. Haven't heard anything since then, but even if I don't, I went outside of my comfort zone and initiated conversation with someone who I was attracted to. I thought that was a good first step!

I'm moving this coming weekend back to that particular neighborhood where I spend all of my time outside of work, and I know that's going to really open up a lot of new possibilities for me.

I just don't want to continue making the same mistakes or falling into the same patterns with men. I haven't been totally "ready" either, I think I had to get to this point to see that, although I want to be. It was very hard to resist someone coming on so strong when I was also very attracted to him. It makes me feel cautious about encountering that again, which is probably a really good lesson to take from it.

Edited by venusishername
Posted
. Haven't heard anything since then, but even if I don't, I went outside of my comfort zone and initiated conversation with someone who I was attracted to.

 

Good for you! This is really hard for me. Even when someone says directly to me that they like me I have trouble expressing returned interest, even when I AM interested! Like you, I have a habit of running from people who clearly like me and falling deeply for those who leave their feelings ambiguous and don't treat me very well. I'm really trying to pursue the right kind of men.

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Posted (edited)
Good for you! This is really hard for me. Even when someone says directly to me that they like me I have trouble expressing returned interest, even when I AM interested! Like you, I have a habit of running from people who clearly like me and falling deeply for those who leave their feelings ambiguous and don't treat me very well. I'm really trying to pursue the right kind of men.

 

Thanks :o

 

Even though I haven't heard from the guy, who did take my number and did seem interested, I still put myself out on a limb by engaging and being more open! I will continue to do that! Just this past week, I decided to "embrace" being single and even embrace being lonely! I've been trying to fight it all along and I decided I'm going to try something different.

By 'embracing' I mean getting back into my old hobbies that I love, listening to my favorite music, making a near daily routine of a long walk or run to mentally decompress, and not being afraid to go places by myself whereas in the past I would shy away from ever going into a restaurant or bar by myself out of fear that I looked pathetic. Now I look around and I see a lot of people doing the same thing! As a woman I've hesitated to do that because I've feared that people would think I'm pathetic or a loner, or men might take advantage of the fact I'm alone. But I'm starting to care less about what other people think once I hit 30 anyway! I read a great quote the other day that inspired me:

Standing on a street corner and waiting for no one is power.

 

I'm not sure why we are drawn to the Mr. Unavailables, Lissvarna, but I think I've figured it out. I've been doing that for the past few years since my breakup. I think it feels 'safer' (fearing vulnerability), and also part of it is that maybe it ties into not feeling 'worthy' of being treated well. I've certainly had thoughts in the past (even with just this recent situation) of "I'm not good enough, I'm easy, I wouldn't be a good wife anyway, men just see me as a sex object, I'm too much trouble, etc.' Also, I think it's partly because we ourselves are not completely emotionally available, which is why we are attracted to men of the same openness.

Edited by venusishername
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Any updates on this guy? Curious!

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Any updates on this guy? Curious!

 

Pshht, nothing to speak of, Lissvarna. After I bumped into him on the street a few weeks ago that I mentioned here, nothing. I came to the conclusion that it was just was a fling and he was only in the moment and too bad but bad timing, whatever.

 

Then yesterday I was walking (working out) with my girlfriend and saw him across the street on a run, I noticed there was an attractive guy staring at me and it was him :p and he waved. Made my stomach flip.

 

I still want him and I can't help it. It's clear that he changed his mind about pursuing anything and at this point he's simply being friendly... although the attraction is still there for sure... but to answer your question there is nothing going on there other than now I'm still fantasizing about our last night together! :/

Edited by venusishername
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Ok, I didn't think I'd have any more to post here but now I'm confused. I was convinced that he lost interest and there'd be nothing more of it. I've been disappointed but figured what the hell, not a good fit I guess and we want different things, so cest la vie.

 

I was walking to meet some friends yesterday for dinner on the street and I turned to see him pull up beside me on his bike. He had crossed the street to come over. He was very forwardly flirting with me. I was a little dressed up and he said how great I looked, where am I going looking so amazing, etc. I made a joke about the shoes I was wearing and he said 'I hadn't even gotten that far yet' meaning he was too busy checking the rest of me out. Insert my giggling, lots of smiling on both ends.

 

We talked for a bit, I told him I had moved recently, and he was saying that's why he's been seeing me around lately (because it's closer) he asked where I moved, where I was going, he told me his plans for the night, and the coming week with his kids coming to stay with him... and then we said goodbye. ?? He told me hope I enjoy the restaurant, he thinks I'd like it, see you soon.

 

I know when a man is interested and checking me out and flirting. I don't think he's just being friendly anymore by acknowledging me in the street in passing or waving at a distance. So what's the roadblock here? The attraction doesn't go away and yesterday and the time before it was evident. Obviously he was really attracted to me all along and vice versa, yesterday the conversation was easy and we joked and he flirted. I told my gf about it and she said maybe he's wondering if you're still interested in him and that I should just text him and say 'let's go to xyz on Tuesday'.

I realize that he's not asking me out and we're not communicating unless he spots me on the street. That indicates that he's not THAT interested considering in the beginning he came full force and was on hot pursuit which soon ended up in his bed (and shower :bunny::bunny:). But to see him again, I can feel the heat, he didn't forget that either, as it turns out I haven't been with anyone since him, he's being flirtatious and I want him and that smile is getting to me.

 

Afterwards, I thought what the hell, I'll just text him and say it straight out (because I'm really a very straightforward and honest person) that if you want to be friends and hang out, let's do that. You wanna be more than friends? I'm ok with that too. If you're not interested, just tell me. I didn't text him, but I'm feeling particularly confident lately and putting myself out there in general, so the thought of saying that to him boosted me up.

I've been on a confidence kick lately and consciously putting myself out there and talking to people, very open to meeting men and dating, and I'm not going to waste my time chasing someone or participating in a dance of mixed signals. I DO eventually want something serious, but in the meantime I'd really like to get to know someone and develop a friendship as a priority over being lovers. The lovers part would be the icing on the cake. :bunny: I'm not going to be someone's 'sometime' girl that I really like though. I could easily have a FWB situation if I wanted one with someone I wasn't really into. But I like him more than that. And... that's probably why the roadblock. I think he's sharp enough to have picked up that I want something more, and he's not willing or able to give it to me. But the desire is still there regardless.

 

IF we ended up getting together (which may or may not be on the horizon now), as badly as I want to get physical with him again I would hold back because I know the distance he comes with. He's not presently available. But he's interested, that I'm sure of. Thoughts? Should I entertain having a 'friendship' with him and get to know, or avoid him like the plague? He's going to keep popping up.

Edited by venusishername
Posted

I think you should do whatever makes you happy. Life is short. You'll have to balance instant gratification and any expectations you may have at the same time. Not an easy thing. The reality appears that had you left your house five minutes sooner or 5 minutes later you wouldn't have interacted with him. Either you never gave him your number, or he hasnt been inclined to contact you.

  • Like 1
Posted

From the beginning, I thought you should just be straightforward as to kill any of these mixed signals and/or feelings you are receiving.

 

My honest opinion though is he is just not that into you. It seems he was fine pursuing you aggressively until he slept with you. It's harsh, but truthful.

Posted

This is really, and I mean REALLLY, beginning to sound like a bad high school soap opera... :laugh: Fast-forward to 3 years later and you're still on and off with this guy...

 

Just contact him, ask him to meet you, and be straight-forward. If anything, at least you'll get your answer and move on from this, with or without him. But do it.

Posted
I know when a man is interested and checking me out and flirting.

 

Do you? Serious question: do you think all men who flirt are interested, and vice versa?

 

I don't think he's just being friendly anymore by acknowledging me in the street in passing or waving at a distance.

 

I think you are reading waaaay too much into this. He's not calling you. He's not texting you. He's not making plans with you. He's not trying to spend time with you. He's acknowledging that you exist. You have no interaction outside of purely coincidental meetings. He's just flirtatious because, hey, he's a flirt and he knows you eat it up.

 

I realize that he's not asking me out and we're not communicating unless he spots me on the street.

 

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's what I like to hear! Finally---

 

That indicates that he's not THAT interested

 

Aww, nuts.

 

Afterwards, I thought what the hell, I'll just text him and say it straight out (because I'm really a very straightforward and honest person) that if you want to be friends and hang out, let's do that. You wanna be more than friends? I'm ok with that too. If you're not interested, just tell me.

 

It's never a good idea to have these kinds of conversations over texts. His absence of effort has already told you he's not interested.

 

But he's interested, that I'm sure of.

 

Flirting does not necessarily indicate interest. I would not be "sure" that a man who never intentionally saw me or spoke to me was interested.

 

Should I entertain having a 'friendship' with him and get to know

 

NO!

 

, or avoid him like the plague? He's going to keep popping up.

 

Honestly, I think he has the right idea. Don't be awkward when you see him. Smile, wave, make small talk, etc. Then go about your business. It doesn't have to be more than that.

  • Like 2
Posted
It's never a good idea to have these kinds of conversations over texts. His absence of effort has already told you he's not interested.

 

I agree with all of the above except I think the OP has to speak with this man either over the phone (I agree no texting) or suggesting a meetup in person.

 

If she's never straightforward with him about her wants/feelings then she's just going to continually imagine interest where there isn't any and vice versa.

 

I think she just needs to put things out in the open already so she can put this to bed. She's not going to just believe he's not that into her and get over that this easily, which has been made abundantly clear.

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