Finally ready...

[boilingpoint]

If you havent read don't give advice.. it was poor.

 

Actually it wasn't. I was actually relating to her problem. I'm not optimistic about her chances with this guy though. Especially if she rejected his offer of casual sex... I don't think she's in a position to call the shots or play hard to get here at all.

 

If OP wants a bit of control in the outcome of this situation and possible closure then all she has to do is ask him if he wants to go for a drink sometime soon. A simple straight forward request. No games. That's all. She'll get a simple yes or no.

 

OP - I'm going to give you a bit of advice that guys get all the time. You have a severe case of Oneitis. It happens when you bump into someone attractive after a long drought... again, count yourself lucky that you're a woman in this respect though - you had sex offered to you on a plate.

[venusishername]

Grrr... I had edited my last post and I couldn't update it...

Anyway, I just wanted to add on something that I failed to mention something before. Lissvarna's post reminded me of it. Maybe it has some weight.

 

The last time we were together (in bed), I was resisting going all the way. He wasn't pressuring me by any means at all, but he did say something along the lines of 'why are you fighting me? You're acting a lot different than you were the first night' (we did not have sex the first night, for the record). Just a thought, but I suppose he could pick up on the fact that I wasn't going to be an 'easy, fun, no strings, no pressure' kind of girl. That became more evident when I said I wasn't available to meet him spur of the moment and when I told him I wasn't ok with something just purely casual. That seemed to change the direction of his pursuit to raging train speed ahead to the 'crumbs' now.

If that's all he's able to offer/wants right now, then I understand it's not the right fit and it's not about my seeking validation or nursing a crushed ego. There is an attraction there for certain... I PERSONALLY don't think a lack of attraction or 'interest' is the reason for his change of heart. Each and every one of you may disagree, but that's what I think.

Boilingpoint, no, I'm not going to reach out to him to ask him for a drink. I suggested exactly that this past week and he responded with the answer, 'yes, let's'. It's been done and no need to repeat it. He's the one who backed off, if he'd like to spend time with me, he can be the one to come forward.

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

The 'journal' continues...

I'd really like to and am truly trying to start putting this behind me for good. I know there are a lot of truths in what many of you have been saying all along about this situation. I'm trying to gain some closure here. It's been hard because I just saw him on the street on Sunday and it re-opened the wound and made me feel confused and hurt....and just my luck, I'm sure it won't be the last time either being that we live and hang out in the same town.

 

My ego is having trouble accepting or believing that someone who once was on fire for me doesn't seem to want me anymore and stopped his pursuit. I realize things like this can be fickle and it's a risk. It felt GREAT to feel that way again, and I hadn't been touched in months, and he was offering that to me, and now not anymore. It hurts!!

I have been trying to be open and move on from my past heartbreak and betrayal of my ex, and trust a man again... but how can I when I have such disappointments as this?!

 

I sincerely like/liked him. I think he's a good person with a lot of great qualities (despite you naysayers out there who make him out to be a slimeball player). I realize that our interaction was limited and superficial, but in my opinion, we seemed to really hit it off and genuinely enjoy each others' company, and were very attracted to each other, etc. He gave me a key to his place to wait for him there if I wanted on just the second day we had known each other. I'm trying to understand (so that I can move on), how someone could not even have the decency to let me know that he just doesn't want to see me anymore and has changed his mind!

 

Aside from my two long terms, I've dated others (although not for very long!).. and THOSE guys had the guts to tell me the truth. Ones that were even LESS involved as this one has been!

A year or so ago, I started fooling around with one of my friend's acquaintances I had met around the circle of friends. We were FWB in the truest sense, he was a good guy, I would contact him and make an invitation, but as soon as he lost interest, he came right out and said 'I like you, but I don't think we should continue the path we've been going down. But let's still be friends.' (and we did).

Another example was ONE DATE with someone I knew from school. We were REALLY interested, long build up leading to the date... and then my ex got in the way of that progressing any further. We continued to talk a little, but did not see each other again. I asked to see him/tried to initiate meeting, and he responded with a phone call and told me that 'I don't think it's a good idea for us to continue seeing each other... you have a lot going on and I don't want to interfere with your ex situation, etc.' (to this day we are on good terms and are now in the same professional field).

 

I had a summer fling many years ago between boyfriends who was a real deal slime ball player. I liked the bad boys, and I just wanted fun, so I went out with him. I was young and stupid. We spent weeks sporadically together...it was fun and purely sexual; once he asked to see me and I had changed my mind at that point: and I had the decency to tell him "No, I don't want to continue on with you. I met someone else. I'm sorry."

 

I am having a hard time understanding how if they and I could have the guts to do that, why won't this one?! He's a man almost 40 years old, not a boy playing games.

What benefit does someone gain by stringing someone along by saying "Yes, let's get together", or "Definitely let me know when you get back!" He didn't have to stop me on the street. He saw I didn't notice him. He could've walked by unseen.. but seemed he wanted to talk to me. Maybe he was thinking I would've been the one to initiate our next 'meeting'.

 

Regardless: how about a simple "Hey, I just wanted to tell you I did have a good time with you too. I just don't think it's a good idea for us to continue seeing each other. I'm just not ready to get involved with someone/ I met someone else/let's be friends/ anything!"

Does anyone have the answer to this? I feel that's just a basic tenet of respect and integrity to not just disappear like a coward or string someone along if one person makes a further invitation. If you didn't ever hear anything at all from either side, then fine and no discussion is necessary (that has happened to me a couple times before and I was ok with it). Thoughts??

Edited September 30, 2014 by venusishername

[sid3]

Thoughts? Yeah, the first one that comes to mind is that the physical with you was infact forgettable. Seems he forgot, to the point he isn't pursuing more.

[heartshaped]

I just think the two of you wanted different things. He wanted something casual and you did not. After he realized that, he backed off. I don't think it's that unusual. I guess be glad he didn't string you along for sex though I'm thinking he sensed you wouldn't go for that.

 

Saying something like "let's be friends" to you would only eliminate what small chance he has to ever sleep with you again. I've never gotten that from any guy interested in something casual with me if the problem was my interest was different. They want to keep that door open just in case they can sleep with you at some point in the future.

[venusishername]

Thoughts? Yeah, the first one that comes to mind is that the physical with you was infact forgettable. Seems he forgot, to the point he isn't pursuing more.

 

Ummm, no. I'm pretty damn confident that was not the case at all... but thanks again for pointing that out

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You say he was "on fire" for you, but was he really? He laid it on thick but made no attempt to be "on fire" as soon as he got what he wanted. No one in the throes of passion waits five days to contact the other person after sex. The first time after my boyfriend and I had sex he sent me a sweet text as soon as he got home. In all of my serious relationships it's never been more than twenty-four hours before he reached out again. I think that's standard for mature, committed adults.

 

Serious question: why is it so hard for your ego to accept that he isn't that interested? Sure, that stuff always stings, but it's life. The vast majority of people we meet aren't going to be interested in us. And feelings can change very quickly when you've only just met.

 

Ask yourself why you so desperately need to believe that this guy is interested in you even though all signs are pointing in the opposite direction. (And why you need to keep insisting the sex was so fantastic and incredible and life-changing...as others have said, he doesn't want it enough to ask for more, so why do you have to believe you were a goddess that blew his mind?) The answers to these questions, or the process of trying to find them, may be the most useful part of this experience.

Edited September 30, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[venusishername]

The first time after my boyfriend and I had sex he sent me a sweet text as soon as he got home. In all of my serious relationships it's never been more than twenty-four hours before he reached out again. I think that's standard for mature, committed adults.

Well, I guess everyone is different and at different stages of life and what is commonplace or standard to them. I couldn't tell you my 'standard' based on past experiences.. it's not something I usually keep track of.

 

 

Ask yourself why you so desperately need to believe that this guy is interested in you even though all signs are pointing in the opposite direction. (And why you need to keep insisting the sex was so fantastic and incredible and life-changing...as others have said, he doesn't want it enough to ask for more, so why do you have to believe you were a goddess that blew his mind?)

 

You're putting words in my mouth. I'm just saying simply that I don't think it was the physical part. I have nothing to prove to strangers: I was there! If you recall, he tried to get it again and I declined the last minute invitation because I was pissed that it took him five days to contact me after the first time.

I'm not "desperately" needing to believe 'why isn't he interested in me!?' I'm just wondering why he can't just simply say "I'm sorry, I can't, let's be friends, I met someone else, the sex was forgettable, I'm gay, etc." rather than stringing along indicating that he still wants to keep a connection and wants to see me again.

Edited October 1, 2014 by venusishername

[Weezy1973]

I'm not "desperately" needing to believe 'why isn't he interested in me!?' I'm just wondering why he can't just simply say "I'm sorry, I can't, let's be friends, I met someone else, the sex was forgettable, I'm gay, etc." rather than stringing along indicating that he still wants to keep a connection and wants to see me again.

 

Probably because it was so casual that it isn't even worth it to "break up".

 

I mean did you even go on more than two dates?

[BluEyeL]

I think he's not interested in getting involved in a serious relationship at this point. It's not productive to take it personally. Sometimes people are at a stage of their lives when they don't want to settle. So even if he liked you, he still doesn't have his green light on and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

It wasn't about the sex at all, imo. Sex will not make a man stay or leave.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think he's not saying anything because he's pretty sure that if he just leaves it open and vague, you'll keep pining over him and you'll be more vulnerable when he tries to booty-call you again in the future.

[Mrin]

Probably because it was so casual that it isn't even worth it to "break up".

 

I mean did you even go on more than two dates?

 

I hate to say it but this is probably the truth. Back before GF I hooked up twice (on 3 dates) with a lady. We chatted a bit via texts in between hookups. Sex was good. But when I met GF I really didn't bother to break up with this lady because there was nothing to break. It was all casual and non-exclusive. In retrospect I should have given her a call.

 

In the OP's situation the guy might not see there is something to break up. Or it might not be over because it was never a thing to begin with and this dance is just more of the same. Not saying it is right. Just what it is...

[venusishername]

I hate to say it but this is probably the truth. Back before GF I hooked up twice (on 3 dates) with a lady. We chatted a bit via texts in between hookups. Sex was good. But when I met GF I really didn't bother to break up with this lady because there was nothing to break. It was all casual and non-exclusive. In retrospect I should have given her a call.

 

In the OP's situation the guy might not see there is something to break up. Or it might not be over because it was never a thing to begin with and this dance is just more of the same. Not saying it is right. Just what it is...

 

I understand what you're saying. Just a fling, (also three dates, two of which lasted all day and into the evening and/or overnight). Yes it was casual and non-exclusive because we just met. I'm not saying I need a 'break up' conversation because I agree, there wasn't much to break. However, I think the right thing to do is let the other person know though where you stand, if you are still communicating. If that girl were to have texted you and said 'we should get together again, I'd like to see you'; wouldn't it have been easy enough to say something along the lines of 'I had a good time with you, but I can't, I met someone else, etc.' Or even ignore it, rather than a 'yes, let's get together'. I certainly wouldn't string someone along leaving it vague and open and indicating that I'd like to see them again...

 

I've had my share of purely casual relationships, so I know what it's like and what's involved and not involved. All but the exception of two who did the mutual fade out, I've had the talk with because we were still communicating and/or would see each other around town. I just think that's the way a mature adult would handle it. Heck, if anything you could be friends, or just be on good terms. It just shows respect.

 

I had a 'fling' like yours while studying abroad once for the summer. We both knew it was never going anywhere, just had a good time and knew it would end and we'd never see each other again. We never even said goodbye. We never had a 'what are you looking for' conversation, and he sure didn't give me his house key and introduce me to his friends either. It just sucks. I don't take it personally, but it's just very frustrating and disappointing.

Edited October 1, 2014 by venusishername

[Ruby Slippers]

The simple fact is that you care a lot more than he does. He's not thinking about you and feels no obligation to communicate anything to you. He's probably long since moved on to the next one. Sorry to be blunt.

[venusishername]

The simple fact is that you care a lot more than he does. He's not thinking about you and feels no obligation to communicate anything to you. He's probably long since moved on to the next one. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I agree. But this does not give me very much hope and confidence to get back out there and be open to dating. It took a long time for me to do that, and then it got me here.

It's very hard to trust that you won't get hurt again and again, despite your best intentions.

Edited October 1, 2014 by venusishername

[Ruby Slippers]

I know how you feel. I've experienced my fair share of heartbreak, despite all my best intentions. I'm back to that place again where I think I "should" start dating again, but just don't feel the motivation to do it yet.

 

Every misstep in dating and love gives you more information about what works and what doesn't. At the risk of sounding like your mother, let me ask you:

 

What have you learned from this?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I guess I seized on your comment in response to a post that he did like you, but was just emotionally unavailable: "This is certainly easier to believe (and frankly, much easier to swallow) than accepting what I keep hearing over and over here..." I wondered why it's easier for you to see him as emotionally unavailable than disinterested.

 

You can only know for sure what you thought and felt, so wondering why this guy didn't care enough to call or cut things off will get you nowhere. You just won't know. Even if he told you it probably wouldn't be the whole truth. All you can do is shrug your shoulders and accept that this guy has different values than you, which if anything is the most obvious sign that you aren't a good fit.

 

Dating isn't always fun, and you WILL get hurt again and again. 99-100% of all relationships in our lives will fail; it figures that most if not all of these failures will sting at least a little. Everyone knows that going in and yet we keep trying because way deep down we know it's worth it once it's finally right.

[BluEyeL]

Emotionally unavailable means he's not currently seriously looking for love. Based on how he picked her up, he isn't. Also, that doesn't mean he is "interested BUT emotionally unavailable". It just means he is not looking for love and he isn't interested in her for more than what it was.

 

It's also misguided to keep saying "I know how a fling is", "I know how a player is". When first of all, each experience is different and every person is different. And second, you did get played even if by a different type of player than before. He just wooed you to get what he wants and he's gone. That's playing. It makes no sense to keep wondering why he said that and why he did that. Just learn from this: every men is different, but when someone wants to try develop a serious relationship with you, he will always consistently ask you out and you will not need to wonder. Also, try not to sleep with men before you know them well, and before they got the chance to develop feelings for you. That takes time. Give it time next time. You are tired of being hurt, but this is on you. Learn from it and remember next time thst slow and steady wins the race.

[boilingpoint]

I agree. But this does not give me very much hope and confidence to get back out there and be open to dating. It took a long time for me to do that, and then it got me here.

It's very hard to trust that you won't get hurt again and again, despite your best intentions.

 

OP - this is life.

 

He hasn't done anything wrong! All these women labelling him a 'player' don't know what they're talking about. It's like if a girl suddenly loses interest in me and I call her a slut because of that. It's dumb.

 

You keep going on about why he's 'stringing you along' when in fact he isn't! You met him in a bar! You're the one with the problem here so IF you want to get some control then just text him a direct REQUEST to meet for a drink this week or next... and not an open ended, 'hey lets get a drink sometime...ok?'

 

This is what guys have to do to either get accepted or rejected when pining after a girl who has probably lost interest since you're sooooo desperate for them. There's a good chance he'll decline the invite but you never know! And that's the problem! You want to know. So rather than just wait for him to offer you another scrap, have some self respect and just admit to him that you would like to date him! Not in 6 weeks when he can be bothered to text you. NOW! Take control here because he already has you hook, line and sinker. Guess what - he probably already knows you want him either way!

 

If he rejects you at least, he'll respect you for coming clean rather than playing these last chance saloon games. You'll have some closure to move on, be more productive with your time, rather than obsessing about this ONE suave guy who has OPTIONS. Usually it's the girl who has options and the guy getting rejected, so congrats to him...

 

OR you can forget all that and just wait and hope for another 6 weeks of obsessing until he contacts you for another one night stand. Your choice.

Edited October 1, 2014 by boilingpoint

[Eighty_nine]

I agree with boiling point. This is bothering you Enoigh that I would just text him with a specific date/time and ask to get a drink. Then you'll know.

[venusishername]

At the risk of sounding like your mother, let me ask you: What have you learned from this?

 

 

Well, the first lesson that comes to mind is:

1. Be wary of meeting a man in a bar who makes a beeline to you and touches your leg and grabs you for a kiss within half hour of meeting.

2. Don't go back to a man's house if you're not ready to have sex. Doing 'other things' besides sex counts too.

3. Don't get drunk and sleep together sooner than you are comfortable with and feel like you're doing it to appease him or to prove you're not a tease and that you are interested. I admit, I thought if I slept with him, I'd seal the deal. This was a bad decision.

4. Keep your heart with a parachute on it, and don't put him up on a pedestal until he proves to you with actions that he's worthy of you and your time.

5. Some people are not emotionally ready or available, and are not on the same 'page' as we are and what we are looking for at this moment in time. It just means it's not a good fit and has nothing to do with us and our worth.

6. I have some issues related to insecurity and self-worth that need tweaking. Until I get those under wraps, I'm probably not ready for a serious relationship anyway.

7. If a man wants to pursue you, he will. It should require little to no effort on your part in the beginning stages.

8. I'm really not ready for a serious relationship yet either. I'm in the in-between casual and serious. However, I want to date someone consistently in order to ease into that next level, when I'm ready.

[venusishername]

Emotionally unavailable means he's not currently seriously looking for love. Based on how he picked her up, he isn't.

 

 

Just learn from this: every men is different, but when someone wants to try develop a serious relationship with you, he will always consistently ask you out and you will not need to wonder. .

 

I understand this completely and agree with you.

You know, I need to be honest. I DO want a serious relationship, but only eventually. Not right in this very moment. I think maybe I've come across here as being totally against something casual. When in fact, the thought of something serious freaks me out a bit. I'm kind of in a weird space of what I'm looking for :/

I would have liked to continue dating this man, NOT expecting anything serious or for him to be my boyfriend right off the bat, just spending time getting to know. I wish there was a way that I could convey that to him, if it would even make a difference anymore.

[cif]

one day you'll look back and see this as a blessing. why? because...

 

had you continued with a fwb with all these intense feelings you have for him, time would've passed by, many opportunities at real relationships would've also passed. then you'd be so messed up emotionally (look what just 2 encounters have done to you) and need another few years to get over it. you'd be hitting the late 30's then you'd have to settle for mr. bleh.

 

exaggerating? i think not.

[Mrin]

Well, the first lesson that comes to mind is:

1. Be wary of meeting a man in a bar who makes a beeline to you and touches your leg and grabs you for a kiss within half hour of meeting.

2. Don't go back to a man's house if you're not ready to have sex. Doing 'other things' besides sex counts too.

3. Don't get drunk and sleep together sooner than you are comfortable with and feel like you're doing it to appease him or to prove you're not a tease and that you are interested. I admit, I thought if I slept with him, I'd seal the deal. This was a bad decision.

4. Keep your heart with a parachute on it, and don't put him up on a pedestal until he proves to you with actions that he's worthy of you and your time.

5. Some people are not emotionally ready or available, and are not on the same 'page' as we are and what we are looking for at this moment in time. It just means it's not a good fit and has nothing to do with us and our worth.

6. I have some issues related to insecurity and self-worth that need tweaking. Until I get those under wraps, I'm probably not ready for a serious relationship anyway.

7. If a man wants to pursue you, he will. It should require little to no effort on your part in the beginning stages.

8. I'm really not ready for a serious relationship yet either. I'm in the in-between casual and serious. However, I want to date someone consistently in order to ease into that next level, when I'm ready.

 

Good stuff here. Also, to respond to your note to me above: no, you're right. I should have called her or shot her a text to give her a heads up. I wasn't obligated to do it. It just would have been the right thing to do and after seeing it from your perspective, I should have done it just to be up and up.

 

Anyhow, sounds like you're getting closure. Onwards and upwards! Best of luck!

[venusishername]

He hasn't done anything wrong! All these women labelling him a 'player' don't know what they're talking about. It's like if a girl suddenly loses interest in me and I call her a slut because of that. It's dumb.

 

You keep going on about why he's 'stringing you along' when in fact he isn't! You met him in a bar! You're the one with the problem here so IF you want to get some control then just text him a direct REQUEST to meet for a drink this week or next... and not an open ended, 'hey lets get a drink sometime...ok?'

 

This is what guys have to do to either get accepted or rejected when pining after a girl who has probably lost interest since you're sooooo desperate for them. There's a good chance he'll decline the invite but you never know! And that's the problem! You want to know. So rather than just wait for him to offer you another scrap, have some self respect and just admit to him that you would like to date him! Not in 6 weeks when he can be bothered to text you. NOW! Take control here because he already has you hook, line and sinker. Guess what - he probably already knows you want him either way!

 

If he rejects you at least, he'll respect you for coming clean rather than playing these last chance saloon games. You'll have some closure to move on, be more productive with your time, rather than obsessing about this ONE suave guy who has OPTIONS. Usually it's the girl who has options and the guy getting rejected, so congrats to him...

 

OR you can forget all that and just wait and hope for another 6 weeks of obsessing until he contacts you for another one night stand. Your choice.

 

 

I agree with boiling point. This is bothering you Enoigh that I would just text him with a specific date/time and ask to get a drink. Then you'll know.

 

I agree with you, boilingpoint that its dumb to call him a player and that he didn't do anything wrong. Where we met is irrelevant though. I know meeting someone in a bar has a bad rap.

For the record, of course I also have options, I'm just not meeting anyone else right now that interests me. Hoping that's around the corner again...

 

I'm confused. Everyone's telling me he could care less, and to not dare contact him or chase him, but here you and Lissvarna are saying to request that we meet at a specific date and time? If he knows I'm interested, why should I make any effort if he's the one who backed off? I'm hearing you say he will likely reject me or evade the invitation, but that he's probably going to contact me later when convenient for him? Huh?!

Edited October 1, 2014 by venusishername