Contacting OM's Wife

[Artie Lang]

i suggest you get your evidence(their correspondence) in a nice neat little packet and either deliver it yourself, or include it in a certified letter that only she can sign for.

 

 

if i may ask, why did you hold off on informing her in the first place?

[aliveagain]

jm2013, who cares what others think, this is about your healing, do what you need to do that gives you some peace. Any POS that is that close to leaving his wife wouldn't go to so much trouble to keep you away from her if he was really going to leave her. I read somewhere that if your ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler. This man is doing way too much juggling to keep you away from his wife, give him your best shot.

[SoleMate]

I read somewhere that if your ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.

Sounds a little offbeat, but I'm seeing some strength in that advice.

 

Anyhow, OP, I want to protect both you and the BW from any painful or damaging scenes, and I'm disgusted by how hard the cheatingMM is (apparently) working to block info from the BW. (Great thread for people to read when they say things like, "Oh of course the BS must know.") So....back to the trustworthy 3rd party intermediary. Review your plan with a lawyer and execute on those instructions. Personal confrontation isn't part of the plan. Keeping things arms-length via your intermediary actually dials down the emotion so the facts can get through more easily.

[sweet_pea]

I think the mail thing with the signature is a good idea.

[beatcuff]

She? All the ways I have "told" her have been easy for him to intervene. Yes, I'm still upset about it. Do you know of any BS who would have access to information they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT that would just be like "Yeah, ok I'll just trust what my adulterer, lying, cheating husband has to say over this guy who has the proof". Cmon man..

 

and that is HER right and HER decision.

 

seriously there are all kinds. hell did not President Clinton not only get caught cheating but the 'evidence' was broadcast to the world. with not one but two women. Hillary decided to stay.

 

and that is HER right and HER decision.

[jm2013]

and when is it HER right and HER decision not to be contacted ANYMORE.

 

that last time i checked never means never. but i maybe using the wrong dictionary.

 

I'd respect her decision if I knew it was really her who responded to me. It is obvious it was not. Of course HE would never want me to contact HER cause then HE would not have to pay the consequences for HIS actions. Until then he's free to prowl the work force until he finds his exit woman and will wait for the right time all while his poor wife sits at home thinking things are ok. Let's just hope he doesn't bring back some herpes or some other VD to his clueless wife.

[jm2013]

You said his wife did some work for you in he past. So you know her name and details. What's keeping you from telling her yourself?

 

You know who she is. You can just find her number in the phone book and call her.

 

Or you can call one of her acquaintances and ask them her phone number.

It's no big deal.

 

 

I had her email. Our communication was mainly through email. I couldn't find her direct phone #. I dropped it when I got the email back but thought about it long and hard. It just irks me. I guess I can do what one of the other posters did and call and just tell her I have to tell her something she must know and ask to meet me at lunch.

[Realist3]

It has been a year and you are still obsessed with informing his wife. I can only imagine what wonders this mindset is bringing to your R.

[lolablue17]

It looks strange to me that you can't track her phone. If i had the details i could do it easily.

 

You said before that you consider going to a lawyer. Well take the money you reserved to the attorney and go to a PI.

 

Give him the details, he will find her phone + address in minutes. You can also pay him to be the messenger. he can meet with her and tell her personally and give you the report after that.

 

The whole thing shouldn't take more than 1-3 hours, so it's not expensive.

[jm2013]

Not sure if my radar is right but I'm sensing there are some extremely emotional WS's posting to this thread who are perhaps sympathizing with an adulterer who hasn't been outed yet. Delivering this news to his wife has nothing to do with our reconciliation process. This is something I would have done if I wasn't reconciling with my wife either. His wife has every right to know what her husband is doing.

[Realist3]

Not sure if my radar is right but I'm sensing there are some extremely emotional WS's posting to this thread who are perhaps sympathizing with an adulterer who hasn't been outed yet. Delivering this news to his wife has nothing to do with our reconciliation process. This is something I would have done if I wasn't reconciling with my wife either. His wife has every right to know what her husband is doing.

 

Informing is a debated subject around here, and is a personal decision. My point was not about that decision, my point was about the obsession with it a year after the fact. That is not healthy for you or your marriage. You are stuck on revenge.

 

The woman can't be that hard to find. You were at one time FB friends with them. You should know where she works and where they live. If you were that interested in informing her it should not be that difficult to take this much time.

[cozycottagelg]

Do you still have proof? Are you able to give her something tangible as evidence when you tell her about her husband?

[lolablue17]

Do you still have proof? Are you able to give her something tangible as evidence when you tell her about her husband?

 

He doesn't need proofs. He can tell her and it's her choice to believe him or not. it's not his problem anymore.

[jm2013]

Informing is a debated subject around here, and is a personal decision. My point was not about that decision, my point was about the obsession with it a year after the fact. That is not healthy for you or your marriage. You are stuck on revenge.

 

The woman can't be that hard to find. You were at one time FB friends with them. You should know where she works and where they live. If you were that interested in informing her it should not be that difficult to take this much time.

 

When I first found out my first instinct was to reach out to her. I was a mess. I got the email and dropped it. As some time went by I looked back at everything and it didn't feel right at all. The number her husband gave to me I tried calling which when to some recorder each time. It was like a home phone number. He went out of his way to protect his secret. He needs complete control over the situation to continue with his blueprint he had. He just hit a bump in the road. I don't know why it is still eating at me. I guess when you know something somebody doesn't know and you know how important that information would be to them it eats you alive. And yes, it would feel liberating to know she 100% knew. At that point I could care less what they do as long as she knows what she's dealing with. I don't look at this as revenge.

 

Do you still have proof? Are you able to give her something tangible as evidence when you tell her about her husband?

 

Yes. I still have all the stuff I built up and can prepare it in a nice folder for her. Hell, my wife would probably come with me to apologize for what she has done in her part. If that wouldn't be convincing I don't know what would.

[gettingstronger]

I guess I am still hung up on the lack of proof that your initial contact was not with the BS- did I miss something in your posts where you are sure it was not her-

 

I think siding on the side of caution is best- if she asked you to stop contacting her, there is a reason for that and you need to honor it-

[jm2013]

It looks strange to me that you can't track her phone. If i had the details i could do it easily.

 

You said before that you consider going to a lawyer. Well take the money you reserved to the attorney and go to a PI.

 

Give him the details, he will find her phone + address in minutes. You can also pay him to be the messenger. he can meet with her and tell her personally and give you the report after that.

 

The whole thing shouldn't take more than 1-3 hours, so it's not expensive.

 

I know you keep asking about a phone #, PI etc. She's not listed. I had a phone # which was obvious it was not hers that her husband gave me. I reiterated to him over the phone I was telling his wife. I was close to driving to his house but that would be an extremely poor decision if he was there. A few months ago I stumbled on a newsletter that his wife sends out for something she's selling. ON it had a listed phone number I have not called yet. The only reason I have not called this number myself is because I do not know what her husband said about me to her. I am sure he made up a bs story. I was just trying to get ideas on other outlets of communication that I KNOW would reach her.

[jm2013]

I guess I am still hung up on the lack of proof that your initial contact was not with the BS- did I miss something in your posts where you are sure it was not her-

 

I think siding on the side of caution is best- if she asked you to stop contacting her, there is a reason for that and you need to honor it-

 

Yes. When I initially tried to reach out to her I got an email back from a newly registered email address which was in her maiden name. I originally sent an email to the email address she used when she was doing some side work for me. I didn't say much in that email it was just - Hi, we need to speak about something important. Please call me as soon as you can. I am sure she told him about that email and I'm not sure what story he came up with. Shortly after I got the email from that newly created email address.

[gettingstronger]

hmmm.... does sound fishy, but she did not respond to your first email that you are pretty sure was her correct email address- IDK, I just worry that you are opening old wounds for her- I see your side but as a BS that is constantly intruded upon by both our ex-OW and her BS I know how painful it is to have this stuff keep popping up when all you want is to heal on your own terms-

[bubbaganoosh]

For all the time and effort your putting into finding his wife and filling her in about her husband, I have to ask, he's only half the problem.

 

No guy gets to first base with any woman unless she wants him too let alone a round tripper that gets hit out of the park. What kind of consequences did you give your wife?

 

Are you still with her? Are you divorcing her? Has she shown any remorse? Your best bet is dealing with a cheating wife. That should be enough to fill your plate up rather than worrying about the guy your wife slept with is a bum or not.

 

What are you doing about your home life with her?

[jm2013]

For all the time and effort your putting into finding his wife and filling her in about her husband, I have to ask, he's only half the problem.

 

No guy gets to first base with any woman unless she wants him too let alone a round tripper that gets hit out of the park. What kind of consequences did you give your wife?

 

Are you still with her? Are you divorcing her? Has she shown any remorse? Your best bet is dealing with a cheating wife. That should be enough to fill your plate up rather than worrying about the guy your wife slept with is a bum or not.

 

What are you doing about your home life with her?

 

It's not like I've invested a work week into trying to find this guy's wife and reach out to her. It's just been something that's been on my mind. As far as what I'm doing with my wife we're working hard on the reconciliation process. I was going to divorce her yes but decided to come home and try to make things work right before the papers were filed. We are in MC and she has proven a lot in terms of actions that she's serious about her love for me and making us work and wanted to move forward with a future together while being exclusive to each other. It seemed to bother her a great deal when I was briefly with somebody else when I left the house. I know a lot of BS's here got irritated with that. Most people say wait until your divorced and hold the high ground but I felt at the time she completely voided the contract and it was meaningless at that point.

 

She admitted to me she was snooping around my stuff to see if I had another woman. She had even admitted placing a VAR in my car which I did not know about. I'm not sure what she felt at that point. My guess is she felt like she was briefly competing with somebody else in some sense. And to this day I think it is in the back of her head if I have found somebody else. There are times when I get "you're home a little late" and looks like she's almost thinking if there's somebody else. I don't know.. Maybe I'm just over analyzing it or maybe she feels it would be easy for me to pickup and move on with somebody else considering what has happened.

 

I didn't do it as some revenge or getting back like we're even. It wasn't like that. When I found my wife had an affair it broke our contract. And at that point I could have cared less if we were only bound by the state in marriage. I still feel like that as far as what our marriage is. Though I have re-assured her we are exclusive and I have no intentions of dabbling outside of what we have. Right now it's as if she is a girlfriend until the time is right where is feels right to move past that. I was going to divorce her and remarry if all went well but I guess in the aspect of things it doesn't even matter. If all goes well we can still remarry.

 

She also knows how volatile the situation is. I mean we both make each other happy right now. We work together now as a solid team. A lot better than we ever have. It's weird and I would have never expected this to be honest. What pushed me to reconsider it all and try is her actions. And what really solidified it for me was when she chose me over her family. Her family basically drew a line in the sand and said it's either him or us and she chose me. To this day her parents are still salty about that.

 

Sorry for my little ramble

Edited August 26, 2014 by jm2013

[Snowflower]

jm2013, please don't feel you need to defend your choices here. Some think that if a BS spares any thought for the AP in their situation, that they aren't blaming their WS. What these types fail to realize is that BS, like most people, are pretty good multi-taskers and simultaneously put the majority of the blame on their cheating spouse while still being mad as heck and blaming the AP for their behaviors during the A.

 

I'm not a big advocate for worrying about telling the other BS unless there is a strong desire to do so. What's more, in your case, the AP/WH/MM has gone to great lengths to hide the truth from his wife--obviously he doesn't want her to be in a place where she knows the facts and can make her own decions from that knowledge. Messing with her FB and other electronic ways of communication smacks of control...she definitely needs to know.

 

Once you have given her the information, then you can drop out of her life again knowing you did the right thing.

[aliveagain]

It's not like I've invested a work week into trying to find this guy's wife and reach out to her. It's just been something that's been on my mind. As far as what I'm doing with my wife we're working hard on the reconciliation process. I was going to divorce her yes but decided to come home and try to make things work right before the papers were filed. We are in MC and she has proven a lot in terms of actions that she's serious about her love for me and making us work and wanted to move forward with a future together while being exclusive to each other. It seemed to bother her a great deal when I was briefly with somebody else when I left the house. I know a lot of BS's here got irritated with that. Most people say wait until your divorced and hold the high ground but I am more religious about what marriage is. And when she was with another man she broke our original contract regardless of what the state says we are.

 

She admitted to me she was snooping around my stuff to see if I had another woman. She had even admitted placing a VAR in my car which I did not know about. I'm not sure what she felt at that point. My guess is she felt like she was briefly competing with somebody else in some sense. And to this day I think it is in the back of her head if I have found somebody else. There are times when I get "you're home a little late" and looks like she's almost thinking if there's somebody else. I don't know.. Maybe I'm just over analyzing it or maybe she feels it would be easy for me to pickup and move on with somebody else considering what has happened.

 

I didn't do it as some revenge or getting back like we're even. It wasn't like that. When I found my wife had an affair it broke our contract. And at that point I could have cared less if we were only bound by the state in marriage. I still feel like that as far as what our marriage is. Though I have re-assured her we are exclusive and I have no intentions of dabbling outside of what we have. Right now it's as if she is a girlfriend until the time is right where is feels right to move past that. I was going to divorce her and remarry if all went well but I guess in the aspect of things it doesn't even matter. If all goes well we can still remarry.

 

She also knows how volatile the situation is. I mean we both make each other happy right now. We work together now as a solid team. A lot better than we ever have. It's weird and I would have never expected this to be honest. What pushed me to reconsider it all and try is her actions. And what really solidified it for me was when she chose me over her family. Her family basically drew a line in the sand and said it's either him or us and she chose me. To this day her parents are still salty about that.

 

Sorry for my little ramble

 

The marriage licence is the written record that your state keeps as verification of the oath you swore to each other. The real commitment holding the two of you together is your word to each other, there is nothing else just your word, this is why you have witness's at your ceremony. They are a witness to you committing yourselves to each other by your spoken oath to each other to do so. Once you break your oath you break your contract, divorce is the record of the two of you cancelling your oath to each other.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

The woman can't be that hard to find. You were at one time FB friends with them. You should know where she works and where they live. If you were that interested in informing her it should not be that difficult to take this much time.

 

 

That's the one problem I have. I suggested he go to their house when fOM was at work and yet said he couldn't do that because he didn't know what he would do if fOM just so happened to be there. Now he wants to send her a registered letter but wants to make sure it doesn't look like it's come from him . I'm not understanding this at all.

 

OP, its clear that the BS continuing to remain in the dark is still gnawing at you, one year later so why have you not simply bitten the bullet? You've spoken a few times about various thwarted attempts and have come up with several schemes by now but I think you honestly need to either go over there (and I'm sure you can work out a time when fOM is definitely away from home) or send the letter - if she confronts him he's going to know where it came from regardless. But it has to be done and soon.

 

You've had the benefit of knowing the truth for a year now, she deserves the same.

[petee]

Just get on with it. All this posting on here about doing it is getting a bit boring. Grow a set, do it ( and take your wife) and you will be further towards closure. As it is now, it just makes you look weak by talking a good game, but what exactly are you doing?

[Realist3]

Setup a fake Facebook account. Spend $1.00 and send her the message. Done.