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How bad did I mess up?


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Posted (edited)

If you recall a previous thread I had started about an FWB that went wrong: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/489758-wtf-happened... The short story is that I had asked someone that I had liked, and that liked me earlier last year(Last october) to be my FWB, despite our history of liking each other. He said yes. We had sex. It was awkward but I was fine with it, and it was only after once I asked him if we were still continuing the FWB did he say that FWB's never end well and that he never dates the girls that he does FWB with etc. After going round in round in circles about the topic he suggested that we just hang out still and see where it goes without the title of FWB. I had a difficult time knowing how to manuever this because we weren't in a relationship, and yet we had sex, liked each other, and there didn't seem to be a set indication that it would lead to anything. So I compartmentalized my feelings and just decided to continue the mindset that we were in an fwb.

 

Essentially I made it about sex, and my subsequent communication with him after that was mostly sexual, casual, and non-emotional. He didn't take to well to this, got very angry, stopped talking to me, etc. I was told by many on here that he liked me more than FWB and that I had been too dense to realize it and that the best approach if I REALLY wanted to make it work with him, was to detach from the FWB mindset and only proceed if I want to be with him in a relationship and can risk making that known to him. There were a few people who told me he was turned off and to leave him alone.

 

Well I waited about a week to gather my thoughts then finally took the risk. I sent him a message Monday evening saying "Though I emphasized a certain topic a lot and was awkward about it. It was never just about that, my feelings were deeper than making things just about "that" when it came to you." It seemed to do the trick, because the next day he asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with him that Thursday. I said I would like to, but I had orientation for graduate school during the same time that the concert started. At first he tried to persuade me into skipping the orientation, since it wasn't mandatory. And I agreed. Then the next day he said "I can't let you skip the orientation." So we agreed that it would be better if I just skip the concert and keep my priorities straight. He was going to Texas for the rest of the weekend for a wedding so he would essentially be gone until next week. So I suggested that we just meet up next week. He said fine.

 

Then a couple of hours later, he asked me if I wanted to meet up with him after the concert was over, in the city and hang out with him, before he leaves for texas. I said sure. What I didn't tell him, is that in the week that we had not talked at all, due to him being angry with me for making things just about sex--I had a series of bad things happen(car accident, my toddler started preschool and has been having a hard time with it, a job I was guaranteed fell through, and financially trying to figure out how to handle things, and the icing on the cake was the last couple of days everything had not been working out for me in anyway possible). Still I wanted to show him how serious I was about making it work, so I was going to go despite it.

 

Then however, the day of, after checking one more time to make sure we were still meeting up, he had said "yup" and I so I decided after orientation which was also in the city, I would just stay out there so that I could meet up with him after the concert. Well of course I managed to get to orientation very late due to bad directions and miscommunication with my director of the program. And once I got there and got settled, I then discovered that I had got my "monthly" 5 days early. I had no change of clothes, no tampons, etc and had an accident(I know gross tMI). I was very upset to get my period so early and this had never happened. So I came back home to change clothes, get tampons, take medicine since I was in pain and call my doctor. My doctor believes it's due to stress. And after sort of considering how things have been I believe so too.

 

The issue is that after I had gotten back home and sort of settled in, I started to just get sleepy and feel like I could not do the meet up anymore. Once it got to 11 PM I pretty much knew there was no way I was driving back to the city to party with him until 3 AM in the morning when I just felt overly stressed, sick, and mentally and physically tired. So I tried calling it went straight to his voicemail, so I texted him and left him a message letting him know that I couldn't stay up, that I was sorry, that I promised I would make it up to him next week, but that I was very tired and could not meet up. I then went to sleep. The next day I woke up and saw a response from him that said "OK".

 

I sent him a message once again apologizing for me not making it and asking him how the concert was. He ignored me. So since I know that when he ignores me it's because he's mad, I know that he's upset.

 

And I know why. I have somewhat of history of being flaky with him in the past. For instance in the beginning when we went out for the first time, I was a couple of hours late to our first date, where I met all his friends, etc. It gave a bad impression. Another occasion he had invited me to a New years party at the last minute, and I had said I might come through, but I was already drunk at the point and was too intoxicated to drive so I never showed up. And there were numerous times from the month of May through June where he would ask me to hang out and I would decline(mostly because during that time period I was trying to figure out if I wanted more with him or if I just wanted to be friends).

 

Now mind you the majority of my flakiness with him has been because during those time frames I was not really ready for a relationship and didn't take things as seriously. But recently, I did make the decision that I do WANT to show him that I really want him and that I'm not being the flake or "girl" I was before. In previous relationships once I commit, I'm "all in", until I commit, I'm not. So I guess you can say that up until recently I was not "all in". Now that I am, missing that "date" was not a good way to show it and I realize it. I want to explain to him that it was different. But know that it probably won't help. Because I know that his friends that I had met only once and didn't leave the best impression on for being so late to our first date, were also at the concert that night and were looking forward to seeing me again when I hung out with him after the concert. So altogether I just look like a "flake' to him and his friends. On the other hand, my friends have said, that yes it is BAD that I skipped out, but that with my circumstances it is understandable. They also said that he's not my boyfriend so it's not like I should go above and beyond and should have went despite all the issues I was having so I shouldn't feel guilty.

 

 

Is there any way to damage control? I've considered calling him when he gets back, and asking him if I can take him out to make up for what happened, do you think this is a good idea? Or am I just over-reacting and since we aren't in a relationship I shouldn't feel guilty about not making a date...

Edited by Phillygirl27
Posted

I think it is basic courtesy to apologize and provide explanation, not just for boyfriends, but for anyone. If I flaked on someone, whether it be a boy friend or friend, I would apologize as soon as I can because it is disrespectful not to.

 

It sounds like you care about him, and that you feel bad about what happened, so it makes sense for you to reach out to him. Why do you have to wait until he gets back? Is there anyway you can call him?

  • Author
Posted

He is in Texas for a wedding. I apologized to him by text Friday morning and he did not respond. I will call him on Tuesday once I'm sure he's back.

Posted

Just realize if he was posting on LS we'd probably tell him to go dark on you, based on your description of how things have gone.

Posted

Girl, you need to get your sh*t together and follow through with plans. No more excuses. Because that's what it sounds like to him at this point- excuses. You already know you can't really expect him to suddenly realize that NOW you're serious about him, so he should give another chance. He's looking at your pattern of behavior and seeing a very flaky woman. I probably wouldn't make much more effort if I were him, either. You've already apologized. The only thing left is to suggest a meet-up and hope he still wants to. If he doesn't reply, move on. And learn a lesson from this - be more accountable.

  • Author
Posted

I'm going to call him tomorrow evening and ask him to go out with me Wednesday. He's flaked out on me before once or twice and I didn't make a huge deal. Life happens. If he is mad at me about it I will try to make it up to him when I see him again. I completely understand, I guess I should have made myself go.

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