Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I started a thread in the sex forum a week ago but to make it somewhat condensed. I met a coworker last October, he was always staring at me nervously and I could tell he was attracted to me. I initiated contact and then from there we talked everyday all day. His attention to me overwhelmed me at first so I started following things like the "rules" etc to keep things at a more natural pace. For whatever reason things got off track and I got the feeling I ended up hurting him and causing distance between us. We both were playing games back and forth(I.e pretending that we were just friends and saying as much but obviously liking each other). Eventually I got too insecure and had to stop talking to him. We reconnected two months later. At first it was hesitant and sporadic. Then it became consistent and just like before he started being too attentive and it freaked me out and because I didn't want to get hurt again I just sort of tried my best not to get too emotionally involved. Eventually he started to distance himself but we still kept in consistent contact. I always had the feeling he wanted to have sex with me. However I was scared to go there with him because I was afraid I would fall for him. I had only had 1 sexual partner and it was in an ltr. He was aware of this and that I was very conservative about sex. Whereas he was conservative too(in that he won't sleep with every girl that he is attracted to or that wants him) but had in the past done fwbs, etc. So because it had been so long since I had sex, I decided that because I liked him and he wanted to have sex with me, to position an fwb... He agreed to it. Seemed like we were on the same page. So we met up last week, hung out for a few hours, and then we went to his room and he cuddled with me for a while. During this time he unloaded a lot of his feelings for me, but it was more of an indirect thing(I.e I had liked you all last year or you just don't know how great you are etc). He talked to me a lot about his life, shared with me. And then we had sex. Afterwards I asked him if we were still going to do the fwb. And he said that me and him would hang out regardless. However that fwbs never end well. And that he's never dated a girl he's done an fwb with. He then alluded that it was up to me what out status was, but since I was a bit confused about why all the sudden he was shying away from the fwb. He said that instead of the fwb me and him should just keep hanging out and see where it goes. He said he hates titles anyway. Then we cuddled some more and then I left. The next day We were texting like we normally do. Just talking about this show then I told him I would like to meet up in a few weeks, once we aren't as busy, and hang out and have sex again. He asked me what i meant when I said we both were busy and I explained. And then he did not respond anymore. I thought nothing of it. Two days later I sent him a text asking him if he could give me feedback about ways I can improve sexually since he has had sex with me and knows how I am now in bed. Keep in mind he's given me feedback about other things in the past. Then he sends me all these mean messages, he was just like "wtf... Why would you ask me something like that? It's awkward and weird. Are you 15 or something? I don't give feedback. Watch porn if you want feedback. Don't come at me anymore talking about "you want to meet up and have sex" or "you want feedback about sex". Just chill with all the sex talk. We can still hang out and chill so whenever you want to actually hang out then let me know but stop with the sex talk" I was really surprised... It hurt me a lot. So I responded with "why are you overreacting about this... It's not a big deal. I'm not 15. I'm not retarded. Yes I can be awkward but I choose to be direct and not beat around the busy. Asking for feedback is not weird. My gf's do it to the guys they sleep with all the time. All you had to do is tell me that you were uncomfortable with me talking about sex, not be disrespectful!!! But since I know I will not talk about sex with you, try to meet up with you to have sex, or have sex anymore with you since your now uncomfortable... So are we cool now?" No response. Keep in mind that before we were fwbs I talked about sex all the time and he never had a problem with it. And in the past whenever we had an argument, if he was in the wrong, or if I was, it was remedied right away. Him not responding is a huge deal. I have not heard from him since. I honestly am confused about why this went wrong???
aprilisi Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Maybe he likes you and the fact that you just want sex bothers him. Maybe he has a GF and you texted at a bad time. Maybe he's a psycho. I always ask guys what they like. I never ask what I can change about myself or ask how I did. Men seem to like it when I ask.
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 (edited) Maybe he likes you and the fact that you just want sex bothers him. Maybe he has a GF and you texted at a bad time. Maybe he's a psycho. I always ask guys what they like. I never ask what I can change about myself or ask how I did. Men seem to like it when I ask. He doesn't have a gf, I've known him since October(also FB friends, etc). The pyscho part though--could be lol. Yes my friends and actually the people in the sex forum encouraged me to ask him for feedback. It was a seemingly "normal" thing to do. He's had FWBS before and like I said, in other facets of my life he's given me feedback in how to improve(my interactions with others, jobs, etc). But it's like I ask him how to improve at sex and for feedback and he gets super angry and sends me all those mean texts. I don't get the inconsistency-like why give me feedback about other things, but with sex get mad at me. And why get mad at me for being direct enough to ask to meet up again for sex, after all he did agree to be my FWB. Maybe I should have asked him what he likes, but being that we already had sex, I guess I wanted to know what ways I could improve for the next time we do it... I thought that by giving me tips, he would also tell me what he would like me to do more of, etc. I thought wrong though. I guess phrasing is everything. None of my friends have ever had a guy react this way, and they all are confused as well... It's been a few days since this happened, and nothing still. Like why would someone agree to be an FWB and act so weird about discussing sex? I just don't get it. And now since he's giving me the cold shoulder I guess he isn't my FWB anymore or my friend. Should I just not bother to contact him anymore and wait for him to reach out again, etc? I really am at a loss at how to salvage at least a friendship? Edited August 14, 2014 by Phillygirl27
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 He's likely frustrated with you because you keep going hot and cold and playing games with him. He likely felt used as though he is just there as your sex practice tool. 3
Mrin Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 He's likely frustrated with you because you keep going hot and cold and playing games with him. He likely felt used as though he is just there as your sex practice tool. This. And honestly from the OP's post, that's exactly what she wants him to be. Seems like everything is working out here as it should - he knows what she wants, he wants something different, and he's walking away from the situation. Not all "correct" endings are "happy endings". Does that make sense? Addendum: OP, just a suggestion, never ever use "the rules" or any other games like that again. I think you'll find that they are a lot of work and end up producing an unsatisfactory result. 2
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 I asked him to be my fwb weeks before we slept together and he said he wanted to!!! So how could I have used him if he agreed to it? I don't see him as just a sex object... But fwbs are most likely about sex, so I don't understand how I was suppose to act? If anything I thought he would be flattered that I wanted to have sex with him again and that I wanted to improve sex. If he wanted more than why did he not tell me this? I just don't get why he agreed to be my fwb then. I would have dated him had he asked. So there's nothing I can do? To at least salvage things?
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 He's likely frustrated with you because you keep going hot and cold and playing games with him. He likely felt used as though he is just there as your sex practice tool. How did I go hot and cold this time? I did in the past but not recently. I stuck to our agreement to be fwb and even tried to arrange another day for us to hook up. How is that game playing and hot and cold? I don't know how I was suppose to act? Ive never done fwb so I didn't know how else I was suppose to approach it. I feel like crap now.
dogeared Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 The whole point of fwb is that it's easy and fun and drama free and natural. You're making it a huge THING.
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 By asking to meet up for sex in a few weeks and asking for feedback so that I could improve, that's a huge thing??? I didn't even ask to meet up again right away... I just asked for feedback. Should I have just not discussed sex with him and just waited until I wanted sex and called him? I guess I'm unsure of what I should have done differently. His anger was at me being direct about meeting up for sex, the weirdness of me asking for feedback, and me talking about sex at all to him in general, despite the fact that before this happened I talked about it often(in generalities) and he had no issue with it. IMO that isn't being dramatic it's being open in communication. His response was dramatic. All he needed to do was tell me respectfully that he would rather not discuss it openly and just let it happen. But the name calling and making me seem like I was stupid made it bigger than what it needed to be.
dogeared Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 By asking to meet up for sex in a few weeks and asking for feedback so that I could improve, that's a huge thing??? I didn't even ask to meet up again right away... I just asked for feedback. Should I have just not discussed sex with him and just waited until I wanted sex and called him? I guess I'm unsure of what I should have done differently. His anger was at me being direct about meeting up for sex, the weirdness of me asking for feedback, and me talking about sex at all to him in general, despite the fact that before this happened I talked about it often(in generalities) and he had no issue with it. IMO that isn't being dramatic it's being open in communication. His response was dramatic. All he needed to do was tell me respectfully that he would rather not discuss it openly and just let it happen. But the name calling and making me seem like I was stupid made it bigger than what it needed to be. Talking about sex in general terms and asking for specific feedback on you and sex are two different things. Asking for feedback is awkward, and making a thing of it. Asking to meet up for sex weeks in advance is awkward and making a thing of it. If you are fwb, you don't book sex weeks in advance. Actually, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, you don't book sex weeks in advance. You hang out when you are both free and either have sex or don't. I agree his response was over the top, but your response was equally immature and over the top. You could've left it at "Hey, I don't appreciate you talking to me that way, you can just tell me you don't want to talk about it" instead of freaking out and being all "fine then, I'm taking my ball and going home and never speaking to you ever again about anything" 4
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 You simply do not have fwb with people who clearly feels more than that for you. It's selfish. 2
Strength in Healing Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 FWB is a dumbass idea to begin with. Fail, fail, and a big dose of fail. Lesson learned. Use some ointment on the burn, and avoid the fire next time. 1
SummerLuvR Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I am confused. Do you want a FWB or a BF? You said you would date him if he asked. Why didn't you ask him? It appears that he really likes you and was hoping that if you two had sex that you would develop feelings for him and he was wrong. I don't think you two on on the same page at all. He wants a GF and you want a FWB. I dont think it will easy for you two to be just friends now.
todreaminblue Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 to me asking a guy about how you performed is bad form......you shouldnt need to ......the proof is in the pudding.....what it was like when you made love...sorry have sex..... and you can normally tell what a guy likes or doesnt like while you are doing it and you go from there..... fwb are awkward to being with......and someone always ends up developing more feelings if it continues......commonly thats why fwb ends and not so good on the ending..... my guess is he actually has more feelings and isnt so clinically minded about the positions and how to improve them......thats my opinion for whats its worth anyway..... if i were going to find out from a guy how the sex was .......i wouldnt ask fro a clinical overview so i could improve technique which may or may not be for him its ambiguous...i would say to him hey babe....what would you like me to do fro you what si ti you have always wanted......and do that thing...not ask how i can improve my technique sexually ..my technique is unique to the guy i am with because its about pleasing him....not expanding my sexual skill set...i am good enough .....i know enough....as i said if a guy asked me how can i improve my technique...i would think he was wanting to test out another woman.....and not actually me....this guy probably felt that about you ....and it is awkward and confronting in the sense that you are probably sexual with others besides him....shoe on the other foot....imagine if he had said ti to you would you feel ok if you really liked the guy ......thats normal.....or would you think its a little calculating clinical and cold............deb
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Ok so it was awkward to ask him to meet up for sex. I get it. The reason I did it is because I didn't want him to think that I was flaking on him, since I knew I wasn't going to be able to really hang out with him for a while. And didnt want to leave it hanging, when a couple of weeks go by and we still haven't met up. In addition it wasn't the only thing I said, I said let's hang out AND have sex in a few weeks. I sent him a link of a go-kart place that we could possibly go. All my girlfriends have said that they've asked guys for feedback. I thought I was a bad lay so wanted feedback on his thoughts and how I could make it better. He has given me personal feedback in other areas so I had no idea he would react this way. Again I have never done fwb before so I didn't realize that i was being awkward. Now I can see that what I was done was very awkward but it didn't warrant a mean response. And my response was equally immature I admit but at that point I thought he was saying he didnt want anything sexual or that he was uncomfortable with me sexually. So I reacted. Later on that night I did send him a message apologizing for offending him and saying I still want us to be cool and hang out and that I would not approach him the way I have before. But that I did like him. He didn't respond to me regardless.
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 FWB are suppose to be people that you find attractive and trust, but who you do not have an emotional attraction to. It should never have been a FWB in the first place if you two would have been comfortable with being bf and gf. Seriously, if you like him as a bf why suggest a FWB? That's what I mean by playing games and being hot and cold. Be honest with your feelings and act accordingly. 1
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 I am confused. Do you want a FWB or a BF? You said you would date him if he asked. Why didn't you ask him? It appears that he really likes you and was hoping that if you two had sex that you would develop feelings for him and he was wrong. I don't think you two on on the same page at all. He wants a GF and you want a FWB. I dont think it will easy for you two to be just friends now. I'm okay with either. Right now I do mostly want sex that is why I asked him to do the fwb but I like him and I would date him if he told me he wanted us to be exclusive. So in other words I could do either. I don't ask guys to be my bf. I figure if they want that then they will ask for that. He had opportunities to tell me he wanted to date exclusively but instead of saying that he said let's have "no title" which read to me like a very casual situation. And he knows I like him. As I said we both like each other. There has been a lot of game playing though so understandably we both are guarded. I had asked him what he thought about us dating last year. And he said he was open to it but we never brought it up again. I felt like him not bringing it up again meant that he didn't want to so I didn't bring it up either. He had also just gotten out of a 4 year relationship a couple of months before. He did ask me to date back in may but the way he said it was very casual and wasn't really asking it was more like "we should date" with a smile and me thinking he was playing games. So ignoring it and then him saying "you heard what I said"... And I said he was playing games because I knew he was taking to other girls besides me at that point in time. After he tried to defend his reasons for dating other girls but asking me to be his gf, we just left it alone. It was never brought up again. And hasn't been brought up since. The night we hooked up when I asked him if he wanted to continue the fwb he always had the right to say no outright and then say what he wants. He didnt. He was vague. So why is it my fault? If he doesn't speak up how can I read his mind? It's not like I intentionally did this to hurt him. He didn't say anything to let me know what he really wanted from me.
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Ok, so he is also not direct in his communication. You are also not direct. So indirect communication leads to failed relationships. Remember that for your next one. If you always want the men to do the chasing and asking you out, you will be putting your happiness in the hands of others. I suggest that you take your life in your own hands and be honest with others about your feelings.
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 FWB are suppose to be people that you find attractive and trust, but who you do not have an emotional attraction to. It should never have been a FWB in the first place if you two would have been comfortable with being bf and gf. Seriously, if you like him as a bf why suggest a FWB? That's what I mean by playing games and being hot and cold. Be honest with your feelings and act accordingly. I suggested an fwb because I wanted to have sex with him. I can only have sex with men I know very well and like. I didnt do the fwb to play games. I wanted sex. A relationship while nice was sort of secondary to me--something I didn't really need--where as sex and my need for it was more of my focus. So that is why I was looking for an fwb. But I have a good time with him, and I do like him so if he would have spoke up about what he wanted I would have been open to it.
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Ok, so he is also not direct in his communication. You are also not direct. So indirect communication leads to failed relationships. Remember that for your next one. If you always want the men to do the chasing and asking you out, you will be putting your happiness in the hands of others. I suggest that you take your life in your own hands and be honest with others about your feelings. But in this case how was I indirect??? I stuck to what I wanted which was the fwb. And I clearly communicated that by asking him to be my fwb and then scheduling another time when we could hook up again which reads like the actions of an fwb... I mean where did I not communicate correctly after we agreed to be fwb? Since then I have been nothing but honest and direct. It took me a lot of courage to send him that message asking for feedback...
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 You may have been direct since the time you suggested a fwb, but you cannot ignore the history of the interactions between you and him. How is he suppose to really know what you are feeling considering the hot and cold at the beginning of your friendship? Just know that in the future, don't have fwb with guys who clearly want you as more than a fwb. He already confessed his feelings to you. What else did you need to know?
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Edit: Also like another person said. FWB are suppose to be easy and spontaneous. There isn't suppose to be an emotional attachment. If you worrying about him thinking you're flaking on him, that implies something more than a simple FWB.
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Edit: Also like another person said. FWB are suppose to be easy and spontaneous. There isn't suppose to be an emotional attachment. If you worrying about him thinking you're flaking on him, that implies something more than a simple FWB. Well when I say flaking I meant that I didn't want him to think that I was going to do what I've done in the past which was hang out with him and then not hang out with him again for months/weeks no matter how often he asked. Like I said this time I was trying to actually stick with things and show him that I was serious about our arrangement.
Author Phillygirl27 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Is there anything I can do to salvage things though? Should I give him another week of space and then text him or call him. I'm not sure what to do....
Eivuwan Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Is there anything I can do to salvage things though? Should I give him another week of space and then text him or call him. I'm not sure what to do.... Why salvage things if he's just a fwb?
Recommended Posts