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I Cheated. She found out. I want her back.

TribalE

By TribalE,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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TribalE

TribalE

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Thanks, Serial and Lauri. Very helpful posts. I've taken your suggestions and others and I think I've come up with the right tone. Yes, I've over thought this, but hey, it was thoughtlessness that got me into this place, so nothing lost in taking a very slow and thorough consideration of what to say and whether or not to say it.

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loversquarrel

loversquarrel

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I think you should also really consider whether or not you truly are in love with her. Your drafts that you have shown seem to lack a certain amount of feeling, never mind that you have cheated on her. Maybe you also feel that something was lacking in your relationship to have driven you to cheat, a certain excitement? Passion? I'm not one to believe that it just came from your own insecurities or lack of esteem. Does she not give you the "boost" you were looking for??

 

You may even feel the way you do toward her because right now you have no one. I only bring it up as something to seriously consider.... If you were to get her back, how would you feel a few months or years down the road?

 

Also - You have been broken up for only 3 months post very serious relationship with her. If she is also seeing a therapist what do you think they are saying to her??? - I'll tell you - "It's only been three months. Do you really think he can change that much in three months?, It takes a lot of work and an awful long time for someone to change, if at all."

 

There is a reason the old adage "Once a cheater, always a cheater" exists. While it may come off as a blanket statement there is a reality behind it, and that is the recidivism rate of a cheater. Take this time to examine yourself.

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TribalE

TribalE

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Thanks, Loversquarrel (Although I keep on reading your screen name at "Lover Squirrel")

 

I've thought a lot about that question: Was I ever in love with her? For part of our relationship I certainly doubted it. We did lack a certain spark or excitement sometimes. She's a reserved, conservative introvert sometimes. I'm a super extroverted Type A.

 

But after months of therapy and 12-step meetings, I've decided that it was my unwillingness to be vulnerable that led me to put up walls to true intimacy with her. It also led to the cheating. I tend to see sex as either "fun and pornographic" or "boring and for baby-making." It's a black and white thing. And since she was all about the Babies, I put our love-making in the second category. I'm learning through therapy that this is an OLD way of thinking, and that I have other old habits that undermined the relationship.

 

As for "once a cheater, always a cheater" that is certainly true if said cheater doesn't own his **** and do the work. Other guys would just "get back out there" and find a new girl. They would blame the victim ("she was boring, she didn't know how to please me, etc."). I think that is all bull****. I own my role and own my problems. And I am doing NOTHING but working on them right now. Also, this was my first affair of this degree. I'd had a few one-nighters when I was a younger man, but never an on-going affair.

 

Yes, her therapist is not a huge fan of me at this point. But I think she gets that I am not my behavior. I think the therapist had a hand in my Ex's b-day message to me. Therapists believe in nothing if they don't believe that people can and do change. Sure, 3 months isn't that long of a time, but it's really been about 5 months of intense therapy (2x a week), as well as a few weeklong workshops.

 

Look, at the end of the day, I'm not sending her an "I'm all better -- let's get back together" message. I'm saying, "I'm sorry. I did this, and I own it. And I'm sorry."

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mightycpa

mightycpa

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I tend to see sex as either "fun and pornographic" or "boring and for baby-making." It's a black and white thing. And since she was all about the Babies, I put our love-making in the second category.

 

You might end up with some kind of Madonna/whore complex with that attitude. I'd drill down on that a lot to see where it comes from.

 

As for "once a cheater, always a cheater" that is certainly true if said cheater doesn't own his **** and do the work.

Bull****, coming from a cheater with 15 years of experience. For me, the cheating experience kept me from marrying the wrong women, and from cheating once I did get married. I learned through experience that the grass isn't greener through regular and widespread cheating. In the end, it helped me, and it didn't really hurt most of those I cheated on; only when I got caught. I never "did the work". I just stopped when it was time to stop.

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TribalE

TribalE

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HOLY ****! I just looked up the Madonna/Whore complex. That's totally it! That's the experience I had. My GF was the perfect, sweet, pure, perfect mother of my children. And I was NOT turned on by her for much of the relationship. The OW was a totally crazy fake-boobed sex machine. And I had ZERO interest in her from a relationship stand point.

 

Oh my Christ. I need to talk to my Therapist about this...

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LifeNomad

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Hi Tribal, we all make mistakes some worst than others, but i think everyone deserves a second chance. Just be as sincere as possible, i didn't read your letter, but i noticed you had put it was going to be formal, to me formal is more like business/professional.

 

 

I would say man just let your thoughts go free as you write, let your tears flow and hit the paper as you write, that's when you know its coming from the heart.

 

 

Good luck man, im rooting for you, if its true love i think she might want to try again, but you gotta remember you gotta be twice the man you were then, every single day you will need to try twice as hard, and whenever you get those feelings (because we all get them) its up to you to control them, or if you feel you cant, then get yourself out of that situation.

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mightycpa

mightycpa

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CPA - the cheating experience kept you from cheating once you did get married? How does that work?!

 

I think what I learned from cheating is that when you stray, usually it is only exciting for a while. Eventually, the newness, the excitement wears off, and you're left with a regular person, who has problems and quirks and some incompatible qualities. Sometimes, I'd cheat because the girl looked so good, and she was as exciting as a dishrag in bed. Sometimes, I'd get a really great one, and I'd drop the old one, and move on to the great one. In that way, I kind of worked my way up the ladder of good quality women.

 

As a result, the last three women I dated seriously were really exceptional people. I probably could have married any of them, and had a successful marriage, truth be told. They each had their flaws, but they were the kind of women you could spend your life with and not regret it. I would cheat with them too, not just strangers. I think what I realized eventually was that I had one of the good ones. From my earlier experiences, I knew that this was relatively rare, at least for me. Also, we were doing everything sexually that I needed. I wasn't out looking for some experience I couldn't get. I think by the end, I was out shopping just to make sure I wouldn't get buyers' remorse. It was really all about me, it was selfish, but I felt justified because it was my life that was at stake. What I ended up finding was that this was as good as it was going to get. I couldn't even think of what I might want from somebody that I didn't already have. I was standing on the pinnacle, I just had to realize it and believe it, rather than merely say it.

 

And since then, I've remembered that realization. I guess in the end it is a risk/reward calculation. What are the chances that I'm going to find someone better, more suited for me? Practically zero. What are the chances that I'm going to find better sex? Luckily, practically zero. How can I guarantee that whoever I cheat with wouldn't disrupt my life? I can't - some women are crazy that way. So, when opportunities appear to come up, I don't pursue them to find out. I think ahead and imagine where it might end, in the best case scenario, and in the worst. Then I just cut out the middle part, and go back home while I still can, because I like my life with her, and that's is what I really want.

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TribalE

TribalE

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This was the final:

---------------------------------

Hi,

 

I’m writing to thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message you sent on my birthday. Hearing from you really made my day. I thought it deserved a more thoughtful response, even a few weeks later.

 

I hope you know I remain deeply sorry for hurting you -- I think about it every day. I’m also sorry for not respecting your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that caused you pain and insecurity. You did absolutely nothing to cause or deserve any of this. Nothing.

 

Working with my therapist and my sponsor, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused you. I know that there is no excuse for my cheating. I am so sorry for everything, and all I can say is that I am doing the work to fix myself and make sure this never happens again.

 

Please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. My only wish right now is for you to be able to heal and be happy again. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation, discuss my progress, or if I can simply make amends to you in person, please let me know. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness.

 

Always,

Me

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pteromom

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I think the letter is nice. It's a little formal, but it says the right things, and it puts the ball in her court.

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2sunny

2sunny

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If you're doing step work with a sponsor - this isn't what it normally looks like.

 

Instructions are "to make DIRECT amends (meaning setting things right) and in person.

 

Your letter is self serving and still has an agenda - it's not designed to give her peace of mind - it's designed to brag about yourself and to invoke action from her. Not good, solid step work.

 

How did you address your character defects in steps 6&7? You may want to look at those again.

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TribalE

TribalE

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2Sunny... Yes, it's not a great "amends" letter from a 12-step perspective. I did mention being open to making a direct in person amends to her at some point. My sponsor wasn't THRILLED that I was doing this, but he didn't forbid it.

 

As for other haters, she expressed to me her frustration that she'd never gotten a real apology from me. Maybe this is, maybe it isn't. I tend to think this serves that purpose.

 

And yes, it puts the ball back in her court. Not that it was really ever in mine.

 

Now, if y'all have any advice on how to let go and move on, I could really use that. I'm a$$-dragging depressed all day everyday. I have a non-stop pit in my stomach knowing that I've hurt and lost the love of my life.

 

And please don't bother writing if you're just going to say some shaming "you got what you deserved" non-empathic BS.

 

Thanks...

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CarrieT

CarrieT

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You want advice on how to let go and move on?

 

Start with this statement you made:

Crazy b!tch nuked my life.

 

OWN the fact that you nuked your life. This is part of the core of your misplaced thinking and the amends you are trying to make towards your ExGF that don't quite ring true.

 

Once it resonates within your very being to stop blaming others and taking FULL responsibility for your actions, you will be able to move on easier.

 

I'm not shaming you. I am calling you out on verbiage that comes glibly because it is what you still believe.

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Zahara

Zahara

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The other woman?! No way. Never. Crazy b!tch nuked my life. No way.

 

You nuked your own life. Your "life" was YOUR responsibility to protect and uphold, not hers.

 

This is where I question your true intent towards your ex.

 

In your efforts to turn a new leaf, it would be best to start taking full responsibility for your actions and stop blaming others for your downfall.

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No Limit

No Limit

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I already wrote on the very first page of this thread that it was you who nuked your life. >feeling ignored< :mad::(

 

Anyway, beside that little detail; for a start, stop calling her "the mother of your children". Or "the love of your life". There'll be another; and if you're absolutely sure you'll never cheat again in your whole life, do your dating chances a favor and never ever mention your infidelity to your next partner; when a ONS is "revealed" to them they might forget about it, but an affair? Not on your life!

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2sunny

2sunny

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The other woman?! No way. Never. Crazy b!tch nuked my life. No way.

 

YOU did it! Are you not learning anything in your step work? And start listening to your sponsor! Your self will is showing.

 

And stop thinking so much of self - get busy helping others! That's what the program is about. Must help others - don't think so selfishly.

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loversquarrel

loversquarrel

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The other woman?! No way. Never. Crazy b!tch nuked my life. No way.

 

Gotta change that mindset as I'm quite certain your ex-fiance believes you nuked her life, and she would be correct in her belief. Did you not consider that you were screwing around with someone who may not have liked the idea of being "Just a fling"????

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AlphaC

AlphaC

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2Sunny... Yes, it's not a great "amends" letter from a 12-step perspective. I did mention being open to making a direct in person amends to her at some point. My sponsor wasn't THRILLED that I was doing this, but he didn't forbid it.

 

As for other haters, she expressed to me her frustration that she'd never gotten a real apology from me. Maybe this is, maybe it isn't. I tend to think this serves that purpose.

 

And yes, it puts the ball back in her court. Not that it was really ever in mine.

 

Now, if y'all have any advice on how to let go and move on, I could really use that. I'm a$$-dragging depressed all day everyday. I have a non-stop pit in my stomach knowing that I've hurt and lost the love of my life.

 

And please don't bother writing if you're just going to say some shaming "you got what you deserved" non-empathic BS.

 

Thanks...

 

Hey man, I know exactly how you feel, I have been cheated on, I have cheated and the more I progress at life I am finally realizing that women cheat way more than men. I met this girl last week, she told me about a girlfriend of hers' that just got married, has a one year old and has cheated on her husband twice in one year.

 

There is a book that I recently read, its spot on, you need to read this book and accept the conclusions and rules at the end of each chapter. Don't blame yourself for your "cheating" , we all go through phases in life, in time you'll realize that this break up was the best thing for you, and it will make you a better person, by that I mean you will understand yourself better, you will accept your manliness as being a part of nature.

 

The book is Tim Patten's "Why I Cheat." The women on this site will go ape doodoo over this, but don't worry about them, worry about yourself. Good luck brother!

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TribalE

TribalE

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I already wrote on the very first page of this thread that it was you who nuked your life. >feeling ignored< :mad::(

 

Anyway, beside that little detail; for a start, stop calling her "the mother of your children". Or "the love of your life". There'll be another; and if you're absolutely sure you'll never cheat again in your whole life, do your dating chances a favor and never ever mention your infidelity to your next partner; when a ONS is "revealed" to them they might forget about it, but an affair? Not on your life!

 

What is ONS? And you really think I'm suddenly "undatable" because I had an affair? Wouldn't it be worse to keep this from a future partner?

 

And BTW, no response from her to the letter. I dropped it at her house on Wednesday.

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