herself Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I think he told you every thing you need to know... He said "if it wasn't for the kids..." but the kids are still there, so he's saying it's a no-go. Also he said for him its a physical, not emotional attachment. What didnt you hear there? He's saying, I want your body, but your mind/heart...Im not invested. He is invested in his FAMILY. THAT is where his HEART and emotional side are tied. He literally said that to you. It would be flattering for anyone married and parenting. In the stage where you've been married awhile and kids are young...it's a constant task list of sports, school events, parties, obligation...sometimes that isnt always sexy. He is thinking with his little brain wink wink...but the instant gratification of a secret lust with your friends husband...oh also your husbands friend....it wont be worth it. At All. So what....you had a mutual crush...now SQUASH it...its meaningless. Get some distance...get close to your hubby by really putting focus...you know...babysitter...date night...making effort to hold hands...call to say I love you without any other reason... This guys nothing special...he just made you feel sexy and your slowly getting addicted to that feeling. But that feeling is not real. Its hormones, chemicals that make your brain feel love, and fantasy...but if you read these boards..you will see...if you give in...your life is about to become a rollar coaster ride...not a good one either. Believe what he TOLD you and be done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Yes, men can shut off the emotional connection if one has developed but yours sounds like he only has the physical connection. You do not text or call or spend time alone with him enough for the emotional one to be created. Believe him when he says he's not leaving and is only physical. Yes, it is still possible to continue the friendship but you have to be detached, shut off your emotional connection and do not be alone with him. My MM and I have known each other as friends for 10 years now and we would go to lunch all the time and then several times he would tell me he couldn't go with me anymore because he was afraid his wife would think he was having an affair even though we weren't doing anything. I didn't understand it at the time but he was getting the emotional connection and would start bringing his son along if he knew he was going to be in a situation of being alone with me. Eventually the son starts getting older and doesn't want to hang out with his dad and my MM is alone with me again and long story short the physical connection is created 8 months ago, which then created an even more emotional connection and he flat out said he had to turn that off because I was all he was thinking about and he wants to keep his family more than he wants to keep me so he controls it by seeing me less. If it's both physical it can work but if one is emotional and the other isn't then it's off balance and there will be a lot of conflict and drama. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 This is a very dangerous game should you decide to play. The stakes are too high given the players involved. And with children thrown in the mix, are you willing to go ahead and play? Any A is dangerous but in your situation, you and your H are friends with them and actually have a close relationship with them. Do you think you can still pull off a "friendly" relationship with his W if you agree to an A with her husband? Its not going to be a sister-wife relationship with his W because she will be hurt beyond belief once she finds out. I think this is going to be "too much in the face" and will definitely cause stress and strain on all of you. I speak as the OW who has nothing to do with MM's family life and avoid his W like the plague because this is probably the only way I manage to keep my feelings of guilt under control. I think its going to be game over for me once I cross paths with MM's W. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frienddrama Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Hi everyone, a have an update to my story...the last month I was trying to convince myself that is just a physical thing. A few wks ago we talked and he tells me it indeed is more than just physical for him. I told him I can't handle the mind games and need him to tell me what he's thinking. He says," why do you need to hear it..you know what it is..." Is this his way of saying he is falling for me??? After that he has been avoiding contact with me. We never text or talk on the phone but i finally broke down and texted him to call me. ..he calls and I tell him I feel like this is all a mind game and that I can't handle the flip flopping. He basically denies everything he told me about it being more than physical and that he doesn't remember saying any of that (there was alcohol involved so he's using that as an excuse). He tells me we have to end this because nothing is ever going to come from it. Same stuff as before....we aren't leaving our marriages and it's just a physical attraction. Ok, moving on...yes I agree, but what made him tell me that it was more for him and why did he deny it all after the fact?? Is he basically realizing that he is falling for me but is afraid to admit it? I need to be done with this but just having a hard time letting go of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frienddrama Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 I forgot to add that we almost kissed...it was very intense and he seemed very emotionally into it at the time. Can't handle the flip flopping. Any suggestions on getting over this knowing that I know he really was emotionally vested? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 (edited) Also I wondering if he means it that it's just physical for him? I feel like there hasn't been anything physical and the fact that we don't have the texting relationship..it's just hard to figure it all out as to why it's happening. Can he really turn it off or is he just saying that to help me get through it? He basically said he be willing to USE YOU - IF you allow it. Does that sound appealing? You want him to feel emotionally connected and he said he doesn't. In fact he seems like a man who's void of expressing his emotions...yet you're practically begging him for that. Find out why YOU aren't getting your needs met from your HUSBAND. You have work to do on YOURSELF. Edited September 13, 2014 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 A great question to ask yourself is "why are you actively seeking an affair" You are going above and beyond to make it happen. He is telling you he doesn't want to be involved and you still going. Sure in the right situation he would likely have sex with you. I jus don't get what's your motivation here? Do you want out of your marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 You're not getting over it because you really don't want to. You are taking none of the advice given like either telling your husband or ending the contact and you keep posting here looking for support in what you are doing. When you tempt him enough , which you will , and have sex with him the end of your marriage will not be far behind . When your husband finds out, and he will, he will feel even more humiliated and defiled because you two have continued to carry on this charade and deceive him right in front of him. He will feel worse than if you banged a guy you met in a bar and had a ONS . It is not only the sex that will end your marriage. It is the deceit. You are a adult and if you want to end this and save your marriage than do something about it other than looking for understanding of why you can't. You can but won't end it. I'm sure we"ll be hearing from you when it is a full blown PA. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I forgot to add that we almost kissed...it was very intense and he seemed very emotionally into it at the time. Can't handle the flip flopping. Any suggestions on getting over this knowing that I know he really was emotionally vested? Getting over it? Simply shut him completely out of your life! Honestly you type here like my kids when they were teenagers. This guy is going to use you and toss you aside if you let him. The question is "are you going to let him?" If so, you can blame no one except yourself. You are a product of YOUR choices! This is one lousy choice your making if you pursue ANYTHING with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frienddrama Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Yes I know what I have to do..it's just hard to not let it consume me. I'm sure everyone that's responded knows what I'm dealing with otherwise you wouldn't be on this board. I guess looking for support more than anything...it's very hard to deal with this knowing in fact it is/was more than physical attraction for him. I feel played more than anything and mad that it got to this point. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I forgot to add that we almost kissed...it was very intense and he seemed very emotionally into it at the time. Can't handle the flip flopping. Any suggestions on getting over this knowing that I know he really was emotionally vested? Any suggestions on getting over this knowing that I know he really was emotionally vested? Just one suggestion since you asked .Can you pls just grow up for once & stop this emotional crap with your H's so-called close friend ? Seriously , playing footsie with H's friend under table while sitting with H & his wife ? what a blatant breach of trust . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Yes I know what I have to do..it's just hard to not let it consume me. I'm sure everyone that's responded knows what I'm dealing with otherwise you wouldn't be on this board. I guess looking for support more than anything...it's very hard to deal with this knowing in fact it is/was more than physical attraction for him. I feel played more than anything and mad that it got to this point. Feeling played ? So you were expecting him to have a full blown physical affair & later leave his wife to marry you so that you two lived happily ever after ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Yes I know what I have to do..it's just hard to not let it consume me. I'm sure everyone that's responded knows what I'm dealing with otherwise you wouldn't be on this board. I guess looking for support more than anything...it's very hard to deal with this knowing in fact it is/was more than physical attraction for him. I feel played more than anything and mad that it got to this point. I understand this, feelings are so intense in affairs (the secrecy, the longing, etc), and who's to say that all/most MMs are just in it for sex? None of us can judge your MM's true feelings, but let's get back to the basic fact that he is married and he chooses to stay married. You are both adults and how you decide to react on those feelings are controllable from both your ends. There are events in our lives that come naturally, we didn't ask for these people to cross paths with us or for feelings to develop as we continue to interact with them. But its all in your hands how you will decide to handle these feelings Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 (edited) Yes I know what I have to do..it's just hard to not let it consume me. I'm sure everyone that's responded knows what I'm dealing with otherwise you wouldn't be on this board. I guess looking for support more than anything...it's very hard to deal with this knowing in fact it is/was more than physical attraction for him. I feel played more than anything and mad that it got to this point. It's not his fault. It's YOUR fault that you've ALLOWED it to become this way. Heck, in your mind you've already made a future with him. You've been willing to practically beg a married man to have sex with you. Ask YOURSELF why YOU would participate this way. It's not on him - he's said no - it's on you. It got to this point because of your fantasy world. He's the one that's had the brakes on it. Tell your husband. He deserves to know you're not invested in your marriage. Edited September 13, 2014 by 2sunny 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 He may want this to be solely physical. Don't be surprised if he begins to tell you that it's become more to him, strictly as a means for him to reel you in and act on any physical connection the two of you may have. Did you read this response on the previous page? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Do you need to believe he was falling for you in order to end it? Tell your spouse, that will help end things quicker than how you are doing things. Let your husband know so he can make an informed decision about his future. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 He told you once that he was emotionally invested which he later denied saying it was the alcohol. That could be very true. To me he had a crush on you or justed wanted some side action. He changed his mind before acting on it as he was not willing to throw his family away for it. He doesn't act as though he is in love with you though I do believe he thinks of you as a friend. You sound more hurt because you feel dropped, dumped, forgettable, etc. I'm not sure of the right word. You avoided a train wreak and you should be grateful for that. Why does it matter if he cares or not ? He has told you it is ended that he is not emotionally tied to you and anything sexual is off the table. You get over it by realizing there really was nothing there but a disaster in the future. I am really sorry you are hurt by this but please just let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 I am sure your husband would rather hear that nothing has happened or will happen with his "good" friend, rather than discover you were having a full blown affair with him. I think you and the OM are behaving appallingly towards your friends and spouses. Really, how would you feel if it were reversed? No offence intended but sometimes people get so involved in the drama of an illicit relationship, that they lose sight of the things that are real and should be precious to them. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 So you're disappointed at a lost opportunity to screw around with your husbands friend. Of all the men in the world you had to choose the one guy your husband trusted. Several hundred million people on this planet and you had to choose that one. Do you see how mean that is of you to your husband? Love doesn't look like that. You've not even considered how your H would be affected should he find out. Link to post Share on other sites
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