Ex wants to see me for the first time in a long time

[DannyCA]

I have had similar things from dumpers and it has always made me pissed because it brings up old painful memories and gives me false hope and when I learn that all they wanted to do was say hi and ease their conscience I get annoyed at them that they would be so disrespectful to my feelings simply to ease their conscience.

 

a good dumper respects the dumpee by leaving them alone to heal. a bad dumper continually contacts the dumpee with breadcrumbs which sets back their healing.

 

she is a bad dumper.

 

 

Yeah I couldn't help but feel this was her intention all along. I almost feel like she can't move on until she relieves her guilt or conscience or something. I could give a s*** if we are on good terms. Like I said earlier I can see myself with her in the future, but I can't see myself with her anytime soon even though its been a year and a half and 8 months NC.

[erklat]

If you have any feelings for her at all or want her back, I don't think I would meet up with her.

 

Out of curiosity ... How could he pull it off in this situation?

[Ordinaryday]

Yeah I couldn't help but feel this was her intention all along. I almost feel like she can't move on until she relieves her guilt or conscience or something. I could give a s*** if we are on good terms. Like I said earlier I can see myself with her in the future, but I can't see myself with her anytime soon even though its been a year and a half and 8 months NC.

 

I have no desire or interest in relieving the guilt of any of the women who dumped me, if they feel any.

 

they made the choice to not be with me, they made the choice to decide I am not good enough for them

 

and I make the choice to reject their 'just friends' offer.

[BC1980]

Out of curiosity ... How could he pull it off in this situation?

 

You mean how could he get her back? I don't think there is a way to get someone back. I meant that he shouldn't meet up to protect his feelings if he still wanted her back in some way. I would respond to anything other than a very clear message the the person wants to work it out. I think that is the advice usually given on LS, and it's the best advice IMO. You have to protect yourself above all else because you aren't in partnership anymore. You have no reason to consider the other person.

[DannyCA]

Your in a F$#k buddy situation. Super easy way to feel good fast. The best way to disrespect yourself and your 30 second partner. While it may not hurt you like stepping in front of a train' date=' the rest of your relationships in life will be that train wreck. If she is in town for awhile invite her to dinner with your parents, take her to a nice place an have a great time. Say good bye and that you hope to see her many times again soon.[/quote']

 

I'm not entirely sure what you mean because I'm not sure sleeping with her will have any positive effect on myself. I think it would only hold me back from the progress I've been making. And I don't think I entirely understand what you mean by "the best way to disrespect" and your train analogy.

[PegNosePete]

the problem with that line of thinking is that it can give the dumpee false hope and set them back substantially if they find out that all the dumper wanted to do was have a catch up, shoot the breez and reminisce about old times for 20 minutes before going on their merry way.

Yes that's true but this is 18 months ago. The OP shouldn't have any feelings left by now. And as I said, "don't build up any hope". Asking the purpose of the meeting beforehand should help with that. But... looks like he's burned his bridge already...

 

No not really. I texted her today "you need to stop contacting me, ive moved on". And she wrote back immediately "i have too, I just want to make sure were ok".

 

Seriously, what is this girls deal? Why after all this time does she need to see me and make sure were ok?

 

But contrary to what I just said I do want to see her. Would that be so bad?

Of course she wrote back that. What else would she write? Even if she wanted to try things again she would never say that after you basically rejected her so abruptly. She would backtrack and make it seem like it meant nothing to her.

Edited August 21, 2014 by PegNosePete

[DannyCA]

Yes that's true but this is 18 months ago. The OP shouldn't have any feelings left by now. And as I said, "don't build up any hope". Asking the purpose of the meeting beforehand should help with that. But... looks like he's burned his bridge already...

 

 

Of course she wrote back that. What else would she write? Even if she wanted to try things again she would never say that after you basically rejected her so abruptly. She would backtrack and make it seem like it meant nothing to her.

 

So tell me what you would have done in my situation? People on LS always say avoid your ex no matter what. People say that every ex is just looking for validation and to hurt the dumpee all the time. What makes her so different that I should have been cordial towards her? And I guess is there anything I can do now that I've said that?

[PegNosePete]

Personally I don't go in for those type of generalizations. There is no "always" because every situation is different.

 

The advice to always avoid your ex is when you're hurting from the relationship ending, to allow you to move on. But it's 18 months on for you so presumably that is not the case, you're fully over it by now? If not then yes you should ignore. But if you're over her and not getting emotionally invested in getting her back from this meeting when I don't see what harm it would do. But then if you're not interested in her at all from a friends perspective then there's really not much point in meeting up anyway!So really it depends on where you are and what you're feeling. Do you want her back? Do you want to maintain a friends relationship? Or do you not even care about her any more?

[leoc1973]

my ex did this to me over and over. She even said,"how can we make things work?" I feel hook line and sinker every time. I would see her every 2 or so months and every time I was positive she wanted me back. But like one of the other posters said. There are good dumpers and bad dumpers and she just wanted to know she could have me if she wanted. Its a horrible game to play with someone that at one point they were "so in love with"

 

To me that text you copied seemed like she wanted you back. Like I would have been 95% sure she did.

 

I hate the games and playing the games to make someone miss you more or whatever. Because if you do win them back this way then as soon as they have you they will realize they didn't want you after all. If you want her back then lay your cards out and tell her. Because the only relationship that is going to survive is one where you tell them you want them and they still want you. Not all the stupid tricks.

 

And like one of the other posters said. Women hate the idea that someone out there hates them is so true. Since i've been single I have made a lot of female friends and they really can't take someone hating them.

 

I say meet her. If you want her tell her and if she doesn't reciprocate then tell her to never contact you again because you won't respond. Tell her have a good life and leave you alone.

 

I just don't like the idea of 2 people that might want each other but both are playing hard to get and no one ever actually comes out and says anything. Then you both go your separate ways and pine over each other for months

[DannyCA]

my ex did this to me over and over. She even said,"how can we make things work?" I feel hook line and sinker every time. I would see her every 2 or so months and every time I was positive she wanted me back. But like one of the other posters said. There are good dumpers and bad dumpers and she just wanted to know she could have me if she wanted. Its a horrible game to play with someone that at one point they were "so in love with"

 

To me that text you copied seemed like she wanted you back. Like I would have been 95% sure she did.

 

I hate the games and playing the games to make someone miss you more or whatever. Because if you do win them back this way then as soon as they have you they will realize they didn't want you after all. If you want her back then lay your cards out and tell her. Because the only relationship that is going to survive is one where you tell them you want them and they still want you. Not all the stupid tricks.

 

And like one of the other posters said. Women hate the idea that someone out there hates them is so true. Since i've been single I have made a lot of female friends and they really can't take someone hating them.

 

I say meet her. If you want her tell her and if she doesn't reciprocate then tell her to never contact you again because you won't respond. Tell her have a good life and leave you alone.

 

I just don't like the idea of 2 people that might want each other but both are playing hard to get and no one ever actually comes out and says anything. Then you both go your separate ways and pine over each other for months

 

I couldn't agree with you more. Especially the bold part. Problem is even though only the truth should matter, sometimes that isn't always what works. It unfortunate... I think I might try to meet up with her, but I am still hesitant about agreeing to meet her, not sure how I will feel seeing her for the first time in 18 months. But then again I'm pretty sure I burned my bridge with my last text but who knows

[Bandini]

(i'm french and a dumpee)

Damn, people are so negative her. DOn't forget that poster here are people who are hurt, who are trying to avoid pain and suffering. Saying to someone else, don't meet her, it's just for validation, is just another way for them to avoid the hurt.

 

It's been 1,5y, so it will not be a big deal if you meet her.

 

But let's see in the worst case, she is doing it to release her guilt and feeling validate. Supose it's the case, then what? It's her problem if she needs validation from someone else or that she is not able to deal with her guilt. Afraid of being use? How is a dumper using you when he does that?

 

The only reason that the dumpee thinks the dumper is using him, it's because he wants something else from the dumper.

Dumpees want reconcialiation, feeling they are loved so they want to see the dumper / dumper want validation/release guilt and want to see the dumpee. In each case there is utilisation.

Wanted reconciliation after a break up, being afraid of being use, are still a symptom that dumpee don't feel good enough with themself. DUmpee are afraid of being use just because it will mean that the dumper will not see them as a quality man.

 

Dumpee seek as much validation as dumper. The way of doing this is just different.

 

And really, in the case that the dumper want to release her guilt. ARe dumpee such pitiful human being that they wants someone they once loved, still drowing themself in guilt? Do you really know how self-destructive this feeling is?

 

 

It's simple :

-Dumper want validation : then they are not good with themselfand so for you, which mean that they sucks and you shouldn't care. Its there problem that they are not happy with there life, not yours. In this case it's souldn't affect you. So no big deal to see him a last time.

 

-Dumper want to release there guilt. If you loved them/ still loved them. Then do it, release it.

 

In those two cases, a reconciliation is not possible, so why care, why not forget, why not give just one last time and then move on. One last act of love for ending the love.

 

Last case : Dumper wants reconciliation.

Don't want to give you hope, but DannyCa, but it sounds like the beginning of a reconciliation. I really think you should meet her, just perhaps one last time.

The worst case scenario that i see is the "she is going to be in yoru area". Perhaps she don't want to be alone, perhaps you have mutual friends, don't know. I'm not even sure that in that case you can see her, as "using" you.

[AlphaC]

So tell me what you would have done in my situation? People on LS always say avoid your ex no matter what. People say that every ex is just looking for validation and to hurt the dumpee all the time. What makes her so different that I should have been cordial towards her? And I guess is there anything I can do now that I've said that?

 

Chief, what is wrong with you? 18 months is along time to be pining for someone, leave that old relationship where it belongs. Ask yourself this simple question, what makes you believe she wants you back? She hasn't been with you in 18 months, you and her have been NC for the last 8. Maybe she had a child, maybe you converted to religion, what I am trying to say is that neither of you know each other anymore. Only one thing is for sure, she has you in the palm of her hand.

 

Dude, 18 months!!! Jesus, move on, there are so many women out there. The only thing this ex of yours did for you was break your heart. Why not grow out of your comfort zone and date? If you had dated in the past 18 months she would not be affecting you anymore.

 

Move on, this means closing all avenues of communication, deleting and blocking your ex on everything! She wanted you out of her life, fine, give her that wish and disappear for good. You kept the lines open and now 18 months later, the same heart pain reappears. How much longer are you going to wait for her, there was a guy here waiting 5 years for his ex, when I read his story I wanted to throw up. I don't care if my ex was J-Lo, I wouldn't wait 2 months for an ex, not anymore. You know all the opportunities you passed up??

 

The ex who brought me to LS dumped me in Sept 2013. In April 2014 she emailed me. I had her blocked on FB and everything else including my phone number but I had forgotten to block her email. When I got her email I didn't even read and I certainly didn't come on LS trying to analyze it. It's called moving on my brother, it's called growth, its called loving yourself, putting yourself first, all that good stuff. You are responsible for your well being, not hers.

 

Advice to you, date, date and date some more. Don't tell your ex you moved on, show it by never contacting or communicating with her again. It hurts like hell to be dumped. It's like you are reliving that same moment 18 months ago, the day you got kicked to the curb. Honestly, it sounds like someone dumped her and she knows, like a lap dog, she can count on you to boost her ego, she has you in the palm of her hand, you are her last resort.

 

Show her she can't play with your head and avoid her, find yourself and you'll start meeting quality women.

Edited August 28, 2014 by AlphaC

[DannyCA]

Chief, what is wrong with you? 18 months is along time to be pining for someone, leave that old relationship where it belongs. Ask yourself this simple question, what makes you believe she wants you back? She hasn't been with you in 18 months, you and her have been NC for the last 8. Maybe she had a child, maybe you converted to religion, what I am trying to say is that neither of you know each other anymore. Only one thing is for sure, she has you in the palm of her hand.

 

Dude, 18 months!!! Jesus, move on, there are so many women out there. The only thing this ex of yours did for you was break your heart. Why not grow out of your comfort zone and date? If you had dated in the past 18 months she would not be affecting you anymore.

 

Move on, this means closing all avenues of communication, deleting and blocking your ex on everything! She wanted you out of her life, fine, give her that wish and disappear for good. You kept the lines open and now 18 months later, the same heart pain reappears. How much longer are you going to wait for her, there was a guy here waiting 5 years for his ex, when I read his story I wanted to throw up. I don't care if my ex was J-Lo, I wouldn't wait 2 months for an ex, not anymore. You know all the opportunities you passed up??

 

The ex who brought me to LS dumped me in Sept 2013. In April 2014 she emailed me. I had her blocked on FB and everything else including my phone number but I had forgotten to block her email. When I got her email I didn't even read and I certainly didn't come on LS trying to analyze it. It's called moving on my brother, it's called growth, its called loving yourself, putting yourself first, all that good stuff. You are responsible for your well being, not hers.

 

Advice to you, date, date and date some more. Don't tell your ex you moved on, show it by never contacting or communicating with her again. It hurts like hell to be dumped. It's like you are reliving that same moment 18 months ago, the day you got kicked to the curb. Honestly, it sounds like someone dumped her and she knows, like a lap dog, she can count on you to boost her ego, she has you in the palm of her hand, you are her last resort.

 

Show her she can't play with your head and avoid her, find yourself and you'll start meeting quality women.

 

I know it shouldn't be so hard this far along post break up but if you think I've been sitting around just thinking about this one girl you're wrong. This is from a previous post of mine.

 

I work 5 days a week, I work out everyday (I'm in the best shape of my life), I try to go to as many concerts as I can afford, I am casually dating, I just started volunteering with the youth, I go to the beach all the time, I go to the bars every weekend, I play video games, I read occasionally, I just started learning guitar, and those are just to name a few of the things that occupy my time:

 

I've been with a number of women since my BU and I've dated two girls since then. So date, date, date as you say is something I've been doing. And not to mention I just started back up at my university. So while I shouldn't have the time to be thinking about her it just happens that I do sometime

[DannyCA]

So I will be seeing my ex in 2 days. Since we've been broken up she has been back down to my area at least 4 or 5 times but this is going to be the first time we see each other in 18 months. For some reason she is very persistent in seeing me. It's the first time she has made an attempt at being cordial with me. Before I never got the time of day with her now she is planning our meet up around my schedule and she even asked me to join her and some of our mutual friends out for drinks last night but I declined.

 

So my question would be if anyone has any tips or advice on how to handle the situation?

[CarrieT]

So my question would be if anyone has any tips or advice on how to handle the situation?

Decline, decline, decline...

[DannyCA]

Decline, decline, decline...

 

That's it? Just decline?

[BC1980]

That's it? Just decline?

 

Yup, she's trying to make nice with you and get in good terms. Think about how you will feel when the night is over.

[DannyCA]

Yup, she's trying to make nice with you and get in good terms. Think about how you will feel when the night is over.

 

I get that and I've seen it happen personally. But can you really generalize every situation as being the same? I have a pretty good idea of what she's gonna say if she trying to string me along for an ego boost in which I'll excuse myself and tell her not to contact me anymore. But I haven't seen her in a year and a half. And quite frankly even though a part of me feels I shouldn't see her I cant help but go

[CarrieT]

You say you have a good idea of the outcome and *then* you are going to tell her not to contact you.

 

We are suggesting you don't even waste your time or her time - or cause the aggravation that is inevitable.

 

Don't bother seeing her...

[stormer59]

What do you have to lose? If you know she is just trying to get on good terms with you get out of there immediately. If you think there's something more, hang around for a bit and hear her out.

[DannyCA]

You say you have a good idea of the outcome and *then* you are going to tell her not to contact you.

 

We are suggesting you don't even waste your time or her time - or cause the aggravation that is inevitable.

 

Don't bother seeing her...

 

I see your point. I said I have a pretty good idea of what she will say if she wants an ego boost or to be on good terms. I have no idea what she wants though. We haven't communicated very well the first year we were broken up and were NC for the last 8 months. She would never tell me over the phone if she wanted to reconcile. Look I've never been hurt before the way she did to me the first time. Will she hurt me again? Probably. I can't not let myself try though. I would rather get hurt again than wonder if this was my last shot with this girl. If I am wrong I will be the first to admit it.

 

I'm not going to play anymore games. This is her last shot; my last shot. I'm just going to be honest with her and ask the same of her. If that is not ok with her she is history. If she just wants an ego boost than I'm cutting the last tie she has to me. I'll just stick to the good memories I have of her and continue on.

 

People tell me to date, date, date and go NC. I've been dating, dating, dating for the last year and a half. I've been with several women and have had two girlfriends since then. And I was NC for 8 months. I know I can't expect to find a woman I loved as much as her just like that. It is just supposed to happen. But if I don't try one last time I am confident I will regret it for the rest of my life

 

What do you have to lose? If you know she is just trying to get on good terms with you get out of there immediately. If you think there's something more, hang around for a bit and hear her out.

 

That's what I'm going to do. Like I said I have a pretty good idea of what she will be saying if she wants to just get on good terms. In that case I will excuse myself, if there is something else I'll hear her out.

[2sunny]

What can she possibly offer you now? She's 1,000 Miles away yet you still hand her all your power. IF it was that important that you needed to know something she would have told you by now - but she hasn't - so she's just wasting your time. Be busy. Don't go. It will just hurt you longer.

 

You haven't really been no contact that long because every few months you start a new thread that she contacted you - and that it still affects you.

 

And now she sends an allusive message that she wants to see you while she's here and it's affected all of your thoughts for nearly a month.

 

When do YOU plan to stop handing her ALL YOUR POWER?

 

There's no better time than now!

 

It's not like she's likely to say "I love you and moving here to be with only you". She hasn't said anything like that - so there's no reason to see her - it will set you back again.

 

Take control of yourself and your power and YOUR life and just tell her there's no reason you need to see her.

 

THAT would send her a clear message that you're not willing to allow her to you with you any more.

 

And block her. There's no reason she needs to contact you every few months - except to be cruel to you and it provides an ego stroke for her.

 

She's using you as her backup plan- but you participate by ALLOWING IT.

 

A lot of your threads are about her. This would be a good time to make sure you send a clear message to her that you're moving forward and her popping in every few months is not interesting for you.

Edited September 11, 2014 by 2sunny

[BC1980]

I read back at her initial message to you, and I truly think she wants to make nice with you. She is bothered by the fact that you haven't spoken in so long. I don't agree with seeing her, but I understand the temptation is almost too much.

[bigman1]

I think that you are putting waaaay too much thought into this. She's said she's moved on. Its been 18 months. Just because she dumped you is no reason to give her the cold shoulder. Break ups are good. It means that couples with one member who sees no future with the other gets to end it. That's life, even if one side really wanted it to work. That would have been unfair to the other side. Therefore, no acrimony needed.

 

As to rekindling or stuff like that....slow down cowboy. She just wants to see you. I say do it. Maybe she's married, engaged, realized she's gay, going into a convent or just wants to catch up and mend any wounded feelings so that a friendship can emerge, even if only a casual low key, lets meet for coffee the next time I'm in town type of friendship. As you said, she told you she moved on as have you. Nothing to lose and only something to gain, like friendship.

[DannyCA]

I think that you are putting waaaay too much thought into this. She's said she's moved on. Its been 18 months. Just because she dumped you is no reason to give her the cold shoulder. Break ups are good. It means that couples with one member who sees no future with the other gets to end it. That's life, even if one side really wanted it to work. That would have been unfair to the other side. Therefore, no acrimony needed.

 

As to rekindling or stuff like that....slow down cowboy. She just wants to see you. I say do it. Maybe she's married, engaged, realized she's gay, going into a convent or just wants to catch up and mend any wounded feelings so that a friendship can emerge, even if only a casual low key, lets meet for coffee the next time I'm in town type of friendship. As you said, she told you she moved on as have you. Nothing to lose and only something to gain, like friendship.

 

But everyone on LS says there's no absolutely no reason to meet up unless it is to reconcile. Everyone says friendships are not at all possible with an ex. Everyone says NC forever is the only way to go. So if her purpose is not to reconcile why shouldn't I give her the cold shoulder? Why on earth would I want to watch her life in the future unfold with another man? I am not friends with any ex of mine who I have absolutely no feelings for so why would I want to be friends with one that I care so much about?