How do I end affair?

[Bittersweetie]

Hi James,

 

Try looking at it from a different perspective.

 

You've been with your girlfriend for how long? More than the five years you've been corresponding with OW?

 

During that time, have you and your girlfriend made any large-scale plans...like, living together? Big vacations? Talking about marriage or children?

 

Does your girlfriend think you two are going to be together long term, start a family?

 

So...

 

Is it fair for her to making decision on life plans based on the fact your relationship is a lie? She thinks you feel one way; you feel another. She probably envisions one future; you want another.

 

You have feelings for someone else... Is that fair to her?

 

Stop being selfish and as Carrie said, pull on your big boy pants. Either break it off with your girlfriend or tell her about the OW relationship so she can make decisions for herself based on truth.

 

And, FWIW, I had an A and told my H. So I've been there. Yes, life is complicated, things are not always black and white...but one can choose to live with integrity.

 

James, how do you want to live?

 

BSW

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Learnean or whatever! You didn't read anything. As the affair is ended! It's the feelings that remain... Painful feelings... But you have very succinctly given me an insight as to why you're on here. They call them trolls in this country.

I'm here to give - and receive - help and support with various aspects of life. Some of which consists of constructive criticism and things one may not want to hear.

 

Calling me a troll sad and doesn’t make anything I’ve said any less relevant or substantial. The affair ended, yes – because your OW cut you off mind you – but it is still going very strong in your mind. You’re even now thinking of ways to win her back.

I know what I've done is wrong.. But the hurt is still there. But you like to hurt!

You don't even know what my girlfriend is like????

No, I don't know what your girlfriend is like, but to be held hostage in a relationship but a vacillating cheater who thinks himself deeply in love with another woman is most likely not what she deserves.

Cow handler?? Haha... Little fantasy of yours...?? If she is getting it from somewhere else... Hopefully she has better taste.

 

Better than who, you? Hmm, yes...one would certainly hope so.

[Davey L]

You keep saying that she is your soulmate but because of circumstances you can't be together. You do not say what those circumstances are. What circumstances prevent you being together? If it were me, and she were truly my soulmate, I cannot think of many obstacles that would prevent me going to her. So I must conclude that really the OW does not mean as much to you as you say or think.

 

 

Yes none of us are perfect, and many here have had to face the difficulty that you have in coming to a decision. And yet by and large they have managed to make that decision, as you must too. Decide - your girlfriend, or the other - and stick to it.

[Mopparon]

If this "other woman" was really your soul mate, then you would have broken up with your girlfriend to be with her the moment you and this OW hit it off, or at the very least you'd break it off with your girlfriend to be with this OW now and she as your "soul-mate" would do what ever it took to be the one and only for you too.

 

But you didn't break up with your girlfriend to be with her, and you're not breaking up with her now, and this OW isn't doing whatever it takes to be with you either, so no matter what you feel, you can't be true soul-mates, true lust-mates maybe, but definitely not true soul-mates.

 

And if you want a real and honest relationship with your current gf then you need to tell her the truth. Be honest with her about what has happened, how you feel and have been feeling. As she clearly isn't the one and only for you, why not let her free so she can find the one and only for her. That would be the good, kind, selfless thing to do.

[10thengineerharrison]

I'm sorry but life isn't so clear cut!

 

Yes it is.

 

I love my girlfriend,

 

If this were true, you wouldn't be cheating and lying to her about your secret second life. Cheating isn't an act of love, in case you hadn't realized that.

 

but the lady I am in contact with and have an on off affair with is my soulmate!

 

There is NO SUCH THING. There is a such thing as a-holemate, though.

 

It's possible to love two people no matter what anybody says!

 

No it's not, no matter how much you object! Think about it. Cheating on your girlfriend is loving in what way? Having a GF to go home to after hooking up with your a-holemate is loving to the sole mate in what way?

 

I know what I should do so patronising me in my feelings and telling me what a perfect human being I should be is NOT help! Believe it or not I'm a good, kind person... I'm just in a very hard and lonely situation. Why else did I come here to this site???

 

Good. You know what you should do, so do it!

 

Don't forget that this situation you find yourself in and unable to extricate yourself from is of your own doing. What you think you WANT to hear and what you need to hear are to very different things. People here are posting to you from their own personal experience. They're trying to appeal to your values, your integrity, morality, and hope you'll start making healthy choices. I hope you recognize the value in that.

 

I was looking for support from people who have experienced the same thing! Not a telling off! Life is not easy.. Yet people still seem to live in black and white!

 

What you may need to hear will likely sound like you're being told off. Sorry. If you think that "support" should come in the form of being told "what you're doing isn't so bad. After all, sole mates trump true commitment any day!

 

You say you're both in your late 30s? I assume that means your out of high school? Okay, start making adult decisions. Or, if you can't, at least be honest with the two people you and your sole mate are deliberately keeping in the dark here, who you say you "love." I'm sure they can make the decisions for you, if you won't make them for yourselves.

 

10th Engineer Harrison

[2sunny]

When you take action to change things - to set things right - you will stop hating yourself.

 

Make a decision and stick with it... One way or another but not both.

 

Maybe neither would help to gain clarity for yourself.

[Leaving]

If your girlfriend just so happens to finds out and make you choose who would it be?

[No Limit]

If your soulmate comes into your life which is very very very rare... It's not easy to give that up.. Is it?

 

If that cheater's all you ever wanted, why are you stringing a girlfriend along?

[ThisisCrazy]

Hi James67,|

 

Been in a similar situation, however if you wouldn't mind giving me a little more context around your situation so I can give the right advice.

 

Is this woman married or does she just have a boyfriend? You indicated neither of you are married, however I suspect one or both of you are. Would you clear this up a bit?

 

You mentioned that you are soul mates. If that is the case, and the feeling is mutual, what exactly is keeping you two apart? Are there kids involved? Is it money? Please elaborate a bit more.

 

You mentioned this is on again/off again. What exactly has occurred and why is it on/off again?

 

You mentioned you dated in college. What caused the breakup when you were dating in the first place and why didn't you or her commit at that time?

 

Are either of you married or been married then divorced?

 

You mentioned she is with a good guy but he needs mothering. What exactly is meant by that and what are the perceived issues there?

 

You mentioned she contacts you when she needs an ego boost or has issues. What kind of issues and what causes the need for an ego boost?

 

If neither of you are in fact married, why are you referring to it as an affair?

 

 

Thanks and take care,

[Miss Awesome]

I suppose everyone has the right to name their own feelings, so while I can't imagine any definition of love that involves cheating, who am I to say that you don't truly feel that you love your girlfriend.

 

But maybe take a step back and look at the relationship. Think about whether this is a healthy relationship. Do you consider infidelity, dishonesty, and disrespect to be characteristics of a healthy relationship? Do you believe that a healthy relationship involves one partner who has a secret longing for someone else? Do you think feeling lonely, as you described, is part of a healthy relationship?

 

Just as everyone is telling you that simply being someone's soul mate does not mean you can have a relationship with that person - simply loving someone does not mean you should be in a relationship with that person. In fact, sometimes it means not being with that person. It sometimes means recognizing that the person you love deserves someone who will treat them better than you have done. It sometimes means letting someone go so that they can be happy.

 

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. You just need to cut it off with this woman. If social media is the main way she contacts you, block her in every way possible. Change your phone number if necessary. Block her emails. And if she gets through to you somehow, there's no way around it - you just have to be a grown-up and ignore it. You can't help the way you feel, but you absolutely can choose what you do. You also need to leave your girlfriend, or at the very least tell her what's been going on. If you truly love her, those are you only options.

 

If you're really struggling, consider going to see a counselor/therapist. People often think that the only reason to see a counselor is to work through mental health issues, but a situation like this is definitely a viable reason to go see a counselor. That would be someone neutral who can help you figure out how to handle the situation.

[FusionCutter]

I suppose everyone has the right to name their own feelings, so while I can't imagine any definition of love that involves cheating, who am I to say that you don't truly feel that you love your girlfriend.

 

But maybe take a step back and look at the relationship. Think about whether this is a healthy relationship. Do you consider infidelity, dishonesty, and disrespect to be characteristics of a healthy relationship? Do you believe that a healthy relationship involves one partner who has a secret longing for someone else? Do you think feeling lonely, as you described, is part of a healthy relationship?

 

Just as everyone is telling you that simply being someone's soul mate does not mean you can have a relationship with that person - simply loving someone does not mean you should be in a relationship with that person. In fact, sometimes it means not being with that person. It sometimes means recognizing that the person you love deserves someone who will treat them better than you have done. It sometimes means letting someone go so that they can be happy.

 

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. You just need to cut it off with this woman. If social media is the main way she contacts you, block her in every way possible. Change your phone number if necessary. Block her emails. And if she gets through to you somehow, there's no way around it - you just have to be a grown-up and ignore it. You can't help the way you feel, but you absolutely can choose what you do. You also need to leave your girlfriend, or at the very least tell her what's been going on. If you truly love her, those are you only options.

 

If you're really struggling, consider going to see a counselor/therapist. People often think that the only reason to see a counselor is to work through mental health issues, but a situation like this is definitely a viable reason to go see a counselor. That would be someone neutral who can help you figure out how to handle the situation.

 

Wonderful words. Thank you.