D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[Lostdreams]

Dear Betrayedandhurting,

 

I read and answered on your "R" thread and then came here to read your whole story - I feel so sorry that you had to go through all this and I can now fully understand your pain

 

I'm in aviation as well and you even seem to be handling this like a PIC with your disciplined reasoning, logic and calm approach - almost like going through some systematic trouble shooting steps for fault analysis and diagnostic codes.

 

I admire your principals and the standards by which you live your life, but I honestly think she can never live up to these, regardless of the promises, tears, meekness, submissive behavior, apologies etc. I have been cheated on and would have died for an apology which never came (until way too late) - you seem to get plenty of them but what is their substance and validity in your eyes ?

 

The trickle truth has now made you discover the hidden scope of the iceberg you were already in front of and now it's a question of how to navigate.

 

I feel you are very strong and once your mind is set you will go full power to make a success of anything, whichever option you choose.... but you simply can't do it alone. Will she ever be able to match these strengths and never slip up again - previous behavior says No

 

Please preserve yourself and your children above everything. I don't see from your posts how this situation could be affecting them. You mentioned your daughter once and that she realized something about her Mums actions and the effect on her parents relationship. The priority for them is to have a happy father - not a uncompromising but reconciled husband with their mother. Can you imagine having the freedom to be 100 % yourself with them in the family situation and home life as it today or will be in the future?

 

I will continue to follow your thread and wish you the wisdom and peace required to make the choices you need to make for your future life.

[petee]

You have had your heart ripped out. You have children to factor in (majorly)to your decision.

 

Every logical bone in my body says for you to walk away with honour and dignity. But the general tone of your posts says you are guided, but undecided, to walk. That will be your decision alone. I personally feel that you still love her and that you 'could ' turn the other cheek if you saw everything you wanted still there, just needing to be picked out again.

See how this pans out, maybe you are just not destined to be married to her, but maybe unmarried and with her.....where their are no financial ties. Perhaps without that security of marriage she'll respond better and appreciate that it could all go in an instant.

You need to give her a final ultimatum, and give the impression you know something, and let her sing.

If you go through divorce with an eye to trying again out of wedlock you have the advantage. She'll lose her comfort blanket and security and will either behave or make the final cut off particularly easy and clinical.

I ramble. Don't do anything in haste, you have sent mixed signals. Even if its 95% divorce 5% keep, there is always that chance. Generally, your first solution is always the best, but I still think there's a chance. But to find that chance you need to knock their house down, and take away the comfort and security.

[bathtub-row]

ok...

 

Std results in hand, clear.

 

Paternity results in 2 more days... I'm confident that will be fine.

 

will not reveal to the "community" until I decide 100% to divorce as the blow back while very deserved for my wife will impact the kids without question. with a divorce however that will be unavoidable.

 

is there no chance that see compartmentalizing and knowing conducted this evil behavior for deep seeded weaknesses that in IC can be addressed and her remorse is not just seeing the pain that she got caught but the light if day being shown on her behavior and the breakdown of the wall between her two lives now makes it clearer that the other behavior itself was wrong, not worth it and that she really wants to focus on her family. look maybe in a day, a week, or six months I realize i for sure can't live with what happened but today, right now my wife seems remorseful, in IC and desperate to save her family and our marriage. I can't let to yet but I wouldn't call the way we are now in reconciliation at all.

 

I think you have made it extremely clear to her that she stands a good chance of losing you over this and, as ridiculous as her behavior has been, I think the idea of losing you is scaring her to death. There is so much at stake here and it seems that holding your relationship and family together is really important to both of you. I really think you should take some time to let the dust settle before you do anything.

 

In the meantime, sit back and see what she does, and whenever you have questions, she needs to be completely aboveboard with you. See how you feel over time, if you can indeed get past this. It is a huge betrayal and there is no way this is going to heal overnight. I think your relationship is changed forever but there may be a way to get through it intact.

 

I'm sure you must feel a great deal of resentment toward her for imposing this nightmare on you. What you said in another post about how you wake up and pray that it was all just a dream made me remember how I felt the same way. I would wake up feeling great, but within seconds it would all come crashing down on me. But I did eventually get past all that and, as I said in a previous post, if my husband had acted differently, I would've stayed with him.

 

I think at this stage, it's important for you to just work on your feelings and with trying to make sense of this mess. Despite everything, the other guy must not be that important or she would've left you for him. I don't believe all is lost at this point but you have to swim through the muck before you can see your way clear to the other side.

 

You seem like a very good man who loves his wife and kids very, very much. For everything I've read on this site, your situation haunts me the most because you are so sincere and love your family so much. Your wife has no idea what a treasure you are...or maybe she does now. I truly hope that the two of you can get through this, and I hope you'll continue to post here so that we know you're ok, however things end up.

[betrayedandhurting]

I think you have made it extremely clear to her that she stands a good chance of losing you over this and, as ridiculous as her behavior has been, I think the idea of losing you is scaring her to death. There is so much at stake here and it seems that holding your relationship and family together is really important to both of you. I really think you should take some time to let the dust settle before you do anything.

 

In the meantime, sit back and see what she does, and whenever you have questions, she needs to be completely aboveboard with you. See how you feel over time, if you can indeed get past this. It is a huge betrayal and there is no way this is going to heal overnight. I think your relationship is changed forever but there may be a way to get through it intact.

 

I'm sure you must feel a great deal of resentment toward her for imposing this nightmare on you. What you said in another post about how you wake up and pray that it was all just a dream made me remember how I felt the same way. I would wake up feeling great, but within seconds it would all come crashing down on me. But I did eventually get past all that and, as I said in a previous post, if my husband had acted differently, I would've stayed with him.

 

I think at this stage, it's important for you to just work on your feelings and with trying to make sense of this mess. Despite everything, the other guy must not be that important or she would've left you for him. I don't believe all is lost at this point but you have to swim through the muck before you can see your way clear to the other side.

 

You seem like a very good man who loves his wife and kids very, very much. For everything I've read on this site, your situation haunts me the most because you are so sincere and love your family so much. Your wife has no idea what a treasure you are...or maybe she does now. I truly hope that the two of you can get through this, and I hope you'll continue to post here so that we know you're ok, however things end up.

 

Without revealing how (in case she reads this) I can just say I am well aware of private conversations she has had with family where for hours she is in horrific pain/sobbing/misery admitting her unbelievable stupidity and weakness, how much she loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids, the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry) etc. The depth of her pain on these conversations is without question real. Doesn't mean she won't fall back into behavior if things settle but I am convinced she is remorseful, thinks she won't ever do this again, and thinks it likely I am about to divorce her.

[FusionCutter]

Without revealing how (in case she reads this) I can just say I am well aware of private conversations she has had with family where for hours she is in horrific pain/sobbing/misery admitting her unbelievable stupidity and weakness, how much she loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids, the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry) etc. The depth of her pain on these conversations is without question real. Doesn't mean she won't fall back into behavior if things settle but I am convinced she is remorseful, thinks she won't ever do this again, and thinks it likely I am about to divorce her.

 

How do you know what's real and what's fake anymore?

[Stellar Wench]

ok...

 

Std results in hand, clear.

 

Paternity results in 2 more days... I'm confident that will be fine.

 

will not reveal to the "community" until I decide 100% to divorce as the blow back while very deserved for my wife will impact the kids without question. with a divorce however that will be unavoidable.

 

is there no chance that see compartmentalizing and knowing conducted this evil behavior for deep seeded weaknesses that in IC can be addressed and her remorse is not just seeing the pain that she got caught but the light if day being shown on her behavior and the breakdown of the wall between her two lives now makes it clearer that the other behavior itself was wrong, not worth it and that she really wants to focus on her family. look maybe in a day, a week, or six months I realize i for sure can't live with what happened but today, right now my wife seems remorseful, in IC and desperate to save her family and our marriage. I can't let to yet but I wouldn't call the way we are now in reconciliation at all.

other than going to IC and sobbing on overheard phone calls, what is she doing to show her remorse and dedication to changing herself? Is this therapist a counsellor or an actual psychiatrist?

 

How does it make you feel to hear your wife sobbing on the phone that she may lose her family? Are you determined to stay together in the home, or are you open to some time by yourself? How will you protect yourself if you decide to reconcile? Are you open to a post-nup?

[2sunny]

Without revealing how (in case she reads this) I can just say I am well aware of private conversations she has had with family where for hours she is in horrific pain/sobbing/misery admitting her unbelievable stupidity and weakness, how much she loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids, the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry) etc. The depth of her pain on these conversations is without question real. Doesn't mean she won't fall back into behavior if things settle but I am convinced she is remorseful, thinks she won't ever do this again, and thinks it likely I am about to divorce her.

 

Ok then - test it out now. Send her back to her job and see how it plays out. Give it 6 or so months so she settles in and thinks she won't get caught again - and watch closely... For the next 20 or 30 or 40 years.

 

That's really what you're up against. So go ahead and get back to it. Let her prove it to you.

[James-London]

i'm sure her sobbing is genuine too. she's scared about losing her family, the shame etc. but none of that means she actually respects you. she obviously didn't respect you before, why does getting caught change that? she's probably remorseful for hurting you too. but that does not mean she regrets it happened. it happened because she wanted it to happen.

 

i would not take the sobbing and begging at face value. it might all be genuine but i would try to tease out the reasons behind all these emotions.

[bubbaganoosh]

the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry)

 

Hate to be the crepe hanger her friend but up to this point, she never had to worry about being alone without a companion. She has a knack of finding companionship and you know of at least two "companions" besides you and the way she treated you, you really don't count as as one. Your more like the security blanket she needs after her companions go home.

 

Sorry if it sounds rough but you know it's true.

[Stellar Wench]

OP

 

 

I just want you to know that there are WS who do "get it" and who do learn, grow and change. That there are marriages that do successfully and happily reconcile from long term affairs. It is far from easy, it takes years and it takes absolute commitment from both husband and wife but it can be done.

 

 

Do what you decide is right for you. Do not do what others tell you is right for you. Make your own decisions when you are ready to do so.

I agree that he must make his own choices, as he has proven that he will. However, I disagree to an extent with your first paragraph. While some WS do change after LTA's, serial cheaters typically do not change, even after being caught. Whether it takes a month, a year or a decade, the pattern typically repeats.

 

In my years of reading infidelity forums, I can not recall one serial cheater who remained faithful, even after extensive IC.

 

It is the OP's choice, but he should know the risks and take precautions should he decide to reconcile.

[aliveagain]

Without revealing how (in case she reads this) I can just say I am well aware of private conversations she has had with family where for hours she is in horrific pain/sobbing/misery admitting her unbelievable stupidity and weakness, how much she loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids, the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry) etc. The depth of her pain on these conversations is without question real. Doesn't mean she won't fall back into behavior if things settle but I am convinced she is remorseful, thinks she won't ever do this again, and thinks it likely I am about to divorce her.

 

"Thinks" is the wrong word to bet your future on, you need as strong a word as guarantee before committing yourself to years of work.

 

She is asking you to accept that another man soiled everything that is sanctuary to you. These are things that bothered me for years after because I had to replace things that took me years to collect. I replaced glass's(she made him drinks, drank my best wines, had coffee in the morning using my favorite cup). towels(he showered before he went home to his girlfriend), sheets, the bed, plates(he had dinner and breakfast which she made him), in the end I replaced most of my furniture. The thing that hurt the most was replacing her because I thought she was something really special.

 

Things can be replaced, memories not so easily. In the end you have to come out of this as you and not someone who again compromised himself to keep alive a false memory of someone who never really existed. The woman that treated you with so little respect in order to feed her selfishness is the real woman your married to. This selfish, begging broken woman is her. If you can get past the anger that's coming, past the things she allowed other man to do, the health risks she put you through, the risk she took bringing a stranger into your home with your children there and the realization that she allowed herself to be soiled willingly than put your heart into it and start the process.

 

Forgiveness is earned and is never begged into giving, make her do the work, give her your rules and be prepared to walk if even one of them is broken. I couldn't go through what you are about to go through, I couldn't allow myself to compromise my beliefs because she knew my boundaries from the very beginning, she also knew the consequences. She chose poorly.

[Ronni_W]

Without revealing how (in case she reads this) I can just say I am well aware of private conversations she has had with family where for hours she is in horrific pain/sobbing/misery admitting her unbelievable stupidity and weakness, how much she loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids, the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry) etc. The depth of her pain on these conversations is without question real. Doesn't mean she won't fall back into behavior if things settle but I am convinced she is remorseful, thinks she won't ever do this again, and thinks it likely I am about to divorce her.

betrayedandhurting,

Trust your own instincts...there is a part of your wife that you know very, very well, and that you can still trust from within yourself. Trust your own self that what you are perceiving is true and accurate.

 

At present you do not want to get a divorce. Then trust that there is a way, some kind of way, for you and your wife to build, establish a new foundation that will be strong enough to support, sustain you, her and your children through the future.

 

We're all well-intentioned, but some of us are still reeling or hate-filled from our own experiences and therefore simply incapable of giving objective insights. You cannot, in any case, "send her back to work" as if you are her owner/keeper...and why on Earth would you do such a thing, anyway?

 

PLEASE don't let other people's unhealed garbage and ill-conceived "advice" and "warnings" influence you one way or another.

 

 

Of course it is possible for a human being to have a complete change of heart and perspective, and commit to new ways of being, thinking and doing...and actually stick to their new commitments. Of course that is possible!

To think, suggest that you will need to be "on guard" for the rest of your life together is absurd; it's impossible to predict such a thing. Especially since we don't know your wife, or the depth of her remorse, or her inherent strength to make and stick to a new way of doing her life.

 

Nobody's saying it will be easy...but, of course you can create a new relationship with your wife...one that begins today or in a week or the next three months. It IS possible. Nobody can say, right now, if or how likely or unlikely. You don't need to put that kind of pressure on yourself, either.

 

Focus on what do YOU want and/or need from your wife to start feeling...well...maybe start focusing on how it is you want to feel . What might you want, need to start thinking-feeling, "Yeah...okay...I can see a way to get through and past this"??? Then take that to your wife. Then you two start from there. On a new page. Better if you don't try to tie it up with your old life. That one's done. The next one will be a new one...it'll have to stand on its own promises, commitments, merits. It has yet to prove itself to you...but it's not impossible to achieve.

 

Hugs and best.

[oldshirt]

Ok let's be realistic here. No-one can guarantee that our wives won't cheat in the next 10 , 20, 30 years. Heck none of us can guarantee that WE OURSELVES won't cheat at some point in the next 20 years. No-one has that good of a crystal ball.

 

I think all the urges to dump her cause she "might" cheat in 20 years is a little unfair. Yes she's shown herself as a chronic, long term adulteress that was able to lead a double life for years and years and that is likely part of her character and sure, she stands as good or even better chance as anyone else at cheating again at some point. But it's lot like any of us are in any way, shape or form immune.

 

What I think is key here is how much damage has been done and can either of them actually get over this and settle for the "New reality?"

 

This is all a shock and he himself has said a number of times he doesn't believe this is happening. His perfect illusion is still fresh in his mind but the fog is clearing rapidly.

 

This revelation is like a fatal dose of radiation. You know you've been exposed, you know it's gonna get you, but at the moment you feel fine. You can do all the things you used to and don't feel the direct effect for days. Life seems normal. Then one day you feel kinda weak. The next day you get the shts. The next day it's bloody shts. Then you notice a few hairs falling out. The next day it's falling out by the handful. The next day your gums are bleeding then your teeth start falling out one by one. Then you start bleeding out your @$$ and your eyes and your nose. Then one day you feel so horrible you wish you'd die quicker.

 

Adultry is a lethal dose of radiation to a marriage. But it doesn't kill it immediately. It takes weeks, months even years to bleed out through the @$$ and urethra and eyes and ears and weeks or months to dehydrate through bloody diarrhea.

 

The lethal blow has been delivered here. It just wasn't a quick knockout blow. It's gonna take awhile till he realizes he just doesn't love and respect and honor her any more.

 

It's gonna take awhile untill she realizes she can't live with how he looks at her with disdain and disgust and is cold to her. It will take awhile untill she misses the passion and excitement and energy she had with the OM and wants to experience intimacy and passion again.

 

Y'all are wanting this marriage to die with the scream of warrior's battle cry because we are so insensed at how she treated him. But this marriage is gonna die with a whimper because both parties loved the life they had two months ago and they just haven't bled out their @$$ enough to call it quits yet.

 

It's not really our job to tell him how to end the marriage when he's not ready yet. It's out job to support him and give him advice and support while his hair and teeth are falling out and he's bleeding out his @$$.

[twosadthings]

I'm still trying to to understand the "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" reasoning. What if you found out because it hurt when you urinated or if you started to not be able to fight off colds? She felt comfortable not using protection because she couldn't get pregnant but how comfortable do you feel knowing you had second hand sex with everyone her f buddy did?

 

You have to judge her responses to your questions about her thinking of the consequences of her actions when she was doing them and then judging if her tears are of regret or remorse. Regret is a selfish emotion and remorse is a generous one. Don't be fooled, especialy by yourself.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[betrayedandhurting]

I think I'll post till I hit the road this weekend but then I plan to take a week off from LS and all other online and book related material about affairs for the first time in 2 months. I want to see how *that* effects my thinking. As a previous poster mentioned, I am a major airline pilot and we are type A personalities (at least at work) and we don't know quit by nature, literally our plan is to always fly the airplane right until the crash, you don't quit... so I get how that may well be working against me here in my home life... or maybe it is working FOR me.

 

I know what you all say. I'll tell you what I believe (and it changes daily.) I believe there are good parts in my wife. I believe she loves me and the kids. I believe she has a terrible weakness from childhood (that may be related to how she was raised) that has less to do with dissatisfaction with our marriage or a desire for other men then a desire to have a constant source of fresh validation of her worth as a person and woman. When we began having children our relationship as a couple began a near total focus on our children at our relationship expense and her source of direct validation from me decreased a ton, especially considering her need for an unhealthy amount of constant validation in the first place. An affair in fantasy land provides that in a way no marriage can and so my wife set off on this disaster in a weird way by having a LTA that in no way was a "exit affair" but rather a complete compartmentalization of her life where she felt she was doing no harm to her husband or family who was her "real" love. Of course this is all sick and twisted and does NOTHING to make my pain and images of the disrespect she brought to what was supposed to be mine any less but I think it is an option if true that MIGHT be able to be addressed in IC if she is willing to dig deep enough and do work to find ways to understand how others appreciate her, in particular her own family.

 

Based on her behavior today I am willing to delay filing. I need to calm down and see her take IC seriously before I go all in on trying to resume reconciliation. I don't know if she will cheat again, I certainly know if she does what my instant reaction will be, there will never again be another chance. I'm actually willing to take that horrible risk for the sake of my love of my marriage, my wife, and my kids. The real question mark here is what oldshirt so graphically described is the damage ALREADY done. I am sick to my stomach when it hits me the graphic reality of just what has ALREADY happened. I won't accept a life where I am miserable like today all the time. I don't know if I have to give it a year, 2 years, or 5 years but at some point I have to view my marriage positively again and look at my wife with pride and respect... I don't know if that can happen. I doubt I can bring myself to blow this marriage up today just because many of you say it can't, I need to give myself time to see if this pain fades or just grows worse.

 

Thanks again everyone, I'll keep posting through Saturday and let you know how it goes but then I'm taking a week off... I think I have read too many books, too many forums, too many websites for months on end and it might be making my mind movies and negativity worse... I want to see how my sad real life makes me feel when it stands on its own.

[Buckeye2]

Without revealing how (in case she reads this) I can just say I am well aware of private conversations she has had with family where for hours she is in horrific pain/sobbing/misery admitting her unbelievable stupidity and weakness, how much she loves me and never wants to lose me or the kids, the stark realization she faces a future alone and without the benefit of a companion who aids in all life in tales (not so much money as practical parts of life she hasn't done, much like I would have to figure out laundry) etc. The depth of her pain on these conversations is without question real. Doesn't mean she won't fall back into behavior if things settle but I am convinced she is remorseful, thinks she won't ever do this again, and thinks it likely I am about to divorce her.

 

I’m sure that everything you wrote above is true. Your wife is sincerely remorseful and in a panic.

 

 

Let’s say that I had an exciting time successfully robbing banks for years. If I was caught and told that I would spend 30 years in the federal pen I would be remorseful. If I was told Buba was going to be my cell mate I would be in a panic. I would call my momma and cry my eyes out. I would ask her “How could I have been so stupid?”

 

 

In order to separate remorse for the deed from remorse for getting caught I would ask myself the following:

 

 

If your wife could go back in time would she:

 

1. Never have the affair

 

2. Have the affair but end it before she was caught

 

3. Have and continue the affair but be more careful

 

*(In all three choices you never find out)*

Edited August 27, 2014 by Buckeye2

[2sunny]

Ok. So you've moved your healthy boundary again.

 

 

You be best to REALLY decide where your boundary is and stick to it.

 

That's a boundary that's FOR YOU.

 

 

 

I'm left wondering just how many hall passes this gal is going to get...

[DKT3]

Betrayedandhurting, like you am very type A some would say a control freak as well. I happen to make the planes that you fly.

 

Most importantly to this topic, I know this path. I walked it. By making excuses such as you not giving her the attention and validation turned her to cheating. By do this you convince yourself that being better, doing better can prevent cheating in the future.

 

Still to this day I struggle with making excuses for her actions, still punish myself about not being enough to prevent it. Even if I know its not my fault, sometimes I go to that place.

 

Point is, the only way through this no matter which route you take is "TRUTH". You have to start seeing your wife for who she is, not who you thought she was or want her to be. Once you get there and only then can you decide if her flaws are something you can move forward with. The pain of betrayal, on this level, never goes away, its never forgotten. Can you live with that?

[aliveagain]

Friend, you know there is no such thing as guarantee that she won't cheat again, the point being made is she thinks that she won't cheat again, think's is not much of a "make you feel safe" kind of statement. You have history with her, go into this with your eyes open and protect yourself, that's all.

[bathtub-row]

Betrayed, I think you're doing the right thing. I went through this years ago in a relationship where we were in counseling, I was being given books to read, talking to family, talking to my spouse -- I was constantly bombarded from all directions. I finally reached a point where I told the counselor, "My decision is to not make a decision." I knew that I was completely incapable of moving forward or backward. I knew that whatever choice I made, it would've been made under duress and I would always second-guess myself.

 

It seems this is where you're at, also. Take a breather away from all the influences and decision-making. In the end, there is nothing at all wrong with giving your marriage one last shot. It is worth salvaging -- and I don't often say that to people -- if you can, as you say, feel that peace and pride in your wife again. The only thing I would advise is don't be too quick to welcome her back into your arms. This needs to be a lesson that stays with her for forever.

[anne1707]

Friend, you know there is no such thing as guarantee that she won't cheat again, the point being made is she thinks that she won't cheat again, think's is not much of a "make you feel safe" kind of statement. You have history with her, go into this with your eyes open and protect yourself, that's all.

 

I think at this stage it is far better that she says "thinks" than "knows" as she recognises her fallibility. If she had said "knows" there would have been posters jumping on her for that too. Nobody can say with absolute certainty what they will or won't do in years to come. Every relationship carries risk. Every relationship can cause pain.

 

OP - I think you would do very well to take that break and allow your thoughts and feelings to come through. Don't let yourself be ruled by LS opinion.

[fellini]

Ok. So you've moved your healthy boundary again.

 

 

You be best to REALLY decide where your boundary is and stick to it.

 

That's a boundary that's FOR YOU.

 

 

 

I'm left wondering just how many hall passes this gal is going to get...

 

No he hasnt moved any boundaries. He has been bouncing off the walls of trauma for 2 months. What you 0have mistaken for boundaries is a wild man tryingto find his way in the dark, only to discover more dark rooms.

 

Sure, during one of his dizzy spells he threw in the towel, at least he thought he did. He needs to recover, boundaries can better be established when you have an actual standpoint with two feet more or less on the ground.

 

He is a pilot at work and for the time being, at home. He is still looking for the runway.

[fellini]

Betrayedandhurting, like you am very type A some would say a control freak as well. I happen to make the planes that you fly.

 

Most importantly to this topic, I know this path. I walked it. By making excuses such as you not giving her the attention and validation turned her to cheating. By do this you convince yourself that being better, doing better can prevent cheating in the future.

 

Still to this day I struggle with making excuses for her actions, still punish myself about not being enough to prevent it. Even if I know its not my fault, sometimes I go to that place.

 

Point is, the only way through this no matter which route you take is "TRUTH". You have to start seeing your wife for who she is, not who you thought she was or want her to be. Once you get there and only then can you decide if her flaws are something you can move forward with. The pain of betrayal, on this level, never goes away, its never forgotten. Can you live with that?

 

His description of his wife is that she is a narcissist. The question for him down the road will be to live aware with a narcissist or to run for the hills. Were she his GF, run is the recommended solution. As far away as possible. But where family is involved its more complex and difficult. His descriptions of his wife and his feelings for the entire situation with kids is classic addiction to the narcissist. It happens all the time. Unfortunately narcissism is not really curable, and there is always the question of whether the N admits that they have a problem, or merely use the problem we present them as an incredible source of narcissist supply. Narcissist s revel in causing pain to their SOs. This is going to take him time and careful observation.

 

For this he needs, and probably has been reading websites about living with, leaving, and unfaithful narcissistic wives. There is no reason a NW cannot change, if by change we mean she learns from her infidelity to construct a life around which she gets the affirmation she needs (narcisstic supply) outside of affairs and in healthier interactions.

 

One test will be if the WS accepts that her problem has been the need for NS, but then rejects it as her true condition if she learns later that the prognossis is not good. Narcissist s are incredible at changing their own understandings as they navigate back through the mess they have made looking for control and stability.

[jackslife]

The one thing that shouldn't be underestimated in all this is love.

 

The OP loves his wife and all the advice and rants to get him to "kick her ass" out just don't take account of this. If you love someone you will go to the end of the earth to be with them.

 

Fellini is probably one of the most knowledgeable posters on here. No one has read more books and learnt more about affairs than he. All so he can understand the actions of the woman he loves, all so he can love her and have her love him.

 

The OP is the same he loves his wife, wants to forgive her and wants to stay with her.

 

It is easy to say dump her, move on, kick her cheatin' ass. But once love has you in its clutches you are caught. Give the man the chance to make it work. It may or it may not but don't underestimate the power of love in these cases...

[James-London]

I don't agree. I think Buckeye's hypothetical questions could be quite useful. Of course she can't actually go back in time, but you can gauge the answers from her behaviour and what she says now.

 

OP talks about how this happened because of some fundamental problem with his W. This may be true. But I think it will take a lot of evidence (over an extended period of time) to prove that this fundamental problem has been fixed. It is not simply fixed because the W is now feeling scared and remorseful for losing her H and breaking up her family.

 

That is why I said above about how important it is for the W to be able to explain all of this in a clear and consistent way, and then to be able to take actions that prove she has changed. (What those actions will be will depend upon what exactly the problem is. If she needed constant validation in the past, maybe she can do some hobbies or something where she needs to show a lot of self-confidence and independence....?). However, what is not at all clear is that anything has changed on a fundamental level just because the s*it has hit the fan.

 

 

Perhaps this would be better sent to Steven Spielberg from which he could make, hopfully something more complex and exciting. As an approach to knowing what to do, it makes zero sense to me.