5 months after Dday...no more ILYs

[Popsicle]

It's time to let him go, but how? How do I start?

 

No contact is the only way.

 

There are various ways to start NC: you can talk to him about it to tell him that you want/will be doing this. You can not tell him and just stop taking his calls/texts/emails/block him, or you can start out with LC with the idea that you are emotionally detaching slowly until it turns into NC. NC is best at the end of the day. It is also what is needed to end an affair that is ongoing. (and yours still is)

[findpeace]

I would like to comment on each single post, but right now I am crying like a 15 year old.

 

It is so intense and strange to be able to open up like this in a forum and to have so many people trying to provide support, opinion, experiences....in real time, even though miles away.

 

Thank you so much...

 

Enya46, your situation now is exact same what I went through three years ago after Dday. I had the same question why he still contact me while he was trying to save his family. My suggestion is cut ties off now. When he decided to stop giving what you need (the love feeling he had for you before Dday ), you will feel things is never be the same and the resentment will rise in your heart. You might complain him when what he can't meet your expectation and it is something unhealthy in a relationship and could totally ruin a relationship. I didn't end the affair after he declared he was going to save his family, so lots of disappointment and heartbreak down the road till today, and finally he told me he wanted us no more than friend even after he separated. It just prolonged the pain if he decided not give what you need, really not worth to do it. If you want to talk to me, you can message me, seems we have much in common.

[enya46]

Enya46, your situation now is exact same what I went through three years ago after Dday. I had the same question why he still contact me while he was trying to save his family. My suggestion is cut ties off now. When he decided to stop giving what you need (the love feeling he had for you before Dday ), you will feel things is never be the same and the resentment will rise in your heart. You might complain him when what he can't meet your expectation and it is something unhealthy in a relationship and could totally ruin a relationship. I didn't end the affair after he declared he was going to save his family, so lots of disappointment and heartbreak down the road till today, and finally he told me he wanted us no more than friend even after he separated. It just prolonged the pain if he decided not give what you need, really not worth to do it. If you want to talk to me, you can message me, seems we have much in common.

 

findpeace,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It does sound very similar to what is happening on my side.

I would love to message you but I don't think that is possible, due to the fact that we aren't yet established members. I happen to have read this in some other threads.

BTW, I couldn't find any rules about this in LS. When can OP PM ?

 

I hope you are doing ok now? Have you remained friends with your xAP? Do you no longer love him? He recognised he stopped loving you? How did you manage the letting him go?

[findpeace]

findpeace,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It does sound very similar to what is happening on my side.

I would love to message you but I don't think that is possible, due to the fact that we aren't yet established members. I happen to have read this in some other threads.

BTW, I couldn't find any rules about this in LS. When can OP PM ?

 

I hope you are doing ok now? Have you remained friends with your xAP? Do you no longer love him? He recognised he stopped loving you? How did you manage the letting him go?

 

I am sorry, I also don't know how to message you, I thought you posted more than me so you may can message me.

 

I just broke up with this man again so I am not good now. I tried to be friend with him but it's difficult since the history is there. I had expectation that I could be his poritory but I finally find out it isn't the case. I don't know if I still love him, maybe I just love the time we had before Dday or maybe I love the feeling of being loved. He said the love is still there, but I can't feel it from him, and when I say I love you, he just go silence. I am trying to let him go, it's hard, he told me he want the door of past is closed forever, which means the love I invested in us not mean so much to him and our past probably is what he is shamed of. It hurts bad. I am trying to keep these words in mind and move on.

[LearningToMoveOn]

I think only he knows what he means.

 

But I don't personally think he is saying that he just wants "sex and fun". His interactions don't support that. I think he is doing the same thing that my ex-MM did, which was that he wanted the emotional affair to continue in terms of the contact and communication, but that he can no longer do the "I love you" thing because that would create expectations for more - or the potential of a future - to the OP. He wanted to do what he always did best which was to consciously put everyone in a separate box, defined how he wanted or needed to (and constantly re-defining those definitions) but he didn't want the emotional affair to go away. He just wanted the expectations and guilt to go away.

 

This, exactly. I had the same experience with my xAP. After several years of ILYs, when it became clear that we were in way too deep and there was no solution (because we decided we could not leave our families), the ILYs stopped. When I asked him why he didn't say it anymore, the response was that it didn't matter if he loved me, because there was nothing we could do about it, and that he thought continuing to say those words made it worse. In other words, why continue to feed those feelings and make them stronger when it had become clear that the situation was not going to change and we needed to get out.

 

We still loved each other but our actions could not back up our words so why perpetuate the misery. It's funny where the line was though...he would talk about all of the reasons that he loved me but he wouldn't actually say ILY anymore. The entire thing made me an emotional wreck. Typing this has reminded me how great it is not to have to deal with that anymore.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Enya, if nothing has changed it's 1 month and 50 posts. (For pm privileges) If you click the link above to find out how to become a supporting member, you get privileges right away. It's a very small amount to become a supporting member. (Top of the page)

[enya46]

Thank you IWWH

[enya46]

So, last night he texted me asking me at what time I was supposed to join others this morning for sport. I didn't know exactly how to drive to the meeting point and he did so he said he would tell me this morning. He also said: i hope i didn't wake you up.

 

I answered very shortly saying that I was about yo go to bed. He sent me a kiss goodnight. i said: ciao.

 

This morning he texted again asking me not to be mad at him.

I said: i am not mad I'm sad.

He said I shouldn't be sad and that he didn't know what I wanted him to say.

 

For me it was so obvious, that I was getting more and more annoyed every minute. I din't want to start a discussion or a long convrrsation over text.

But in the end we were texting for one whole hour, me getting late for my sports meeting with other people.

 

He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that that was the reason he didn't say all those loving things to me. Again, he repeated that he always told me how he felt in regards to his family. He added that words are not always necessary to know how someone feels about another person.

 

I answered that I needed those words.

 

I said: So, you are trying to tell me that it's over. I accept it and therefore, let me forget you.

 

He answered that what he is saying is that he doesn't want to hurt me.

He said that he understands how I feel and asked if I understood him.

 

Since I don't understand his behaviour very well, I asked him directly: are you in love with your wife?

 

He said: E. Yes.

 

I said: ok, I didn't think you were. After D-day, wher you saw how deeply hurt she was, you came back to me. We never lost contact. That to me shows lack of respect for your wife and lack of love. And this behaviour made me think that you had really strong feelings for me (if you could not cut the contact, even after seeing how hurt she was). I thought it was more that you loved your situation, status, social circles.

 

He says: you think that? Please don't put a knife in me like that.

I don't feel well. I feel horrible, like a horrible person, but you are right. You put me in my place.

 

I answer: please, I wasn't trying to be mean or make you feel bad. i was just trying to explain to you HOW I FELT.

 

.......and then it's all like he is really a bad person, He asks me to forgive him....

 

Now it's me feeling worse for making him feel bad....and I'm late for sports.

 

****, I love him so much.

 

He says these messages aren't doing us any good. I agree. We decide to stop so I can make it to my meeting.

 

This afternoon he called me on the phone to know how it went. We didn't talk about what we said this morning. He was not alone at home when he called, at least not the whole time so he couldn't talk ver freely.

 

He is in love with his wife. This is what breaks my heart.

 

How can you be in love with somebody and continue lying to this person after having hurt her so deeply?

 

E.

[Minnie09]

How long have they been together?

[woinlove]

So, last night he texted me asking me at what time I was supposed to join others this morning for sport. I didn't know exactly how to drive to the meeting point and he did so he said he would tell me this morning. He also said: i hope i didn't wake you up.

 

I answered very shortly saying that I was about yo go to bed. He sent me a kiss goodnight. i said: ciao.

 

This morning he texted again asking me not to be mad at him.

I said: i am not mad I'm sad.

He said I shouldn't be sad and that he didn't know what I wanted him to say.

 

For me it was so obvious, that I was getting more and more annoyed every minute. I din't want to start a discussion or a long convrrsation over text.

But in the end we were texting for one whole hour, me getting late for my sports meeting with other people.

 

He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that that was the reason he didn't say all those loving things to me. Again, he repeated that he always told me how he felt in regards to his family. He added that words are not always necessary to know how someone feels about another person.

 

I answered that I needed those words.

 

I said: So, you are trying to tell me that it's over. I accept it and therefore, let me forget you.

 

He answered that what he is saying is that he doesn't want to hurt me.

He said that he understands how I feel and asked if I understood him.

 

Since I don't understand his behaviour very well, I asked him directly: are you in love with your wife?

 

He said: E. Yes.

 

I said: ok, I didn't think you were. After D-day, wher you saw how deeply hurt she was, you came back to me. We never lost contact. That to me shows lack of respect for your wife and lack of love. And this behaviour made me think that you had really strong feelings for me (if you could not cut the contact, even after seeing how hurt she was). I thought it was more that you loved your situation, status, social circles.

 

He says: you think that? Please don't put a knife in me like that.

I don't feel well. I feel horrible, like a horrible person, but you are right. You put me in my place.

 

I answer: please, I wasn't trying to be mean or make you feel bad. i was just trying to explain to you HOW I FELT.

 

.......and then it's all like he is really a bad person, He asks me to forgive him....

 

Now it's me feeling worse for making him feel bad....and I'm late for sports.

 

****, I love him so much.

 

He says these messages aren't doing us any good. I agree. We decide to stop so I can make it to my meeting.

 

This afternoon he called me on the phone to know how it went. We didn't talk about what we said this morning. He was not alone at home when he called, at least not the whole time so he couldn't talk ver freely.

 

He is in love with his wife. This is what breaks my heart.

 

How can you be in love with somebody and continue lying to this person after having hurt her so deeply?

 

E.

 

Re the second bolded, to me that isn't love, but to this MM who wants to stay married and to continue an A with you, it seems to be love. As I said, he may not be capable of the kind of committed, loyal love that most people want.

 

Re the first bolded - you have clearly spelled out why MM's actions toward his wife don't look like love to you. I agree with you.

 

I also don't think his actions to you look like love. He makes it clear he wants to stay married to his W, says he loves her, and is making it clear there is no future for you two beyond an A. That doesn't look like love either. In some ways, it looks even less like love than how he is treating his wife.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I think the way to stop the hurt is to end this A for good, go NC, grieve losing what you had hoped for with MM, and work to regain your internal happiness so that you are open to real love in the future. It won't be quick, but the pain will stop sooner than if you continue on with this affair which MM has essentially told you is a dead-end.

[enya46]

How long have they been together?

 

Minnie, they have been together 20 years and have an 18 year old daughter and a 14 year old daughter.

[Hope Shimmers]

How can you be in love with somebody and continue lying to this person after having hurt her so deeply?

 

Because his definition of "love" is different from that of yours and most people's.

 

I think he believes he "loves" both of you, but he is compartmentalizing and justifying his behavior as that he is managing to "love" both of you and be with both of you by not saying the actual words to you - thereby making himself feel better about still cheating on his wife.

 

I don't think you will ever understand it. Certainly you deserve better. Feel sorry for his wife - what a sad place to be.

[findpeace]

Your situation is truly very similar to mine. Believe what your mm said, he made up his mind and don't expect he will change someday. Stay in this situation only cause more pain.

[jellybean89]

So he has told you he wants his wife and family. He has told you he is in love with his wife. He has not said he wants to continue the affair. You have repeatedly mentioned ending it and he hasn't said that he wants to continue. He talks about how much he has hurt his wife.

 

What more do you need to hear before you take your life back? How much more hurt do you need to be before you end the affair?

 

Are you waiting for him to dump you? If so, why? You know there is NO future with him. Why do you continue to hang onto a man who has chosen his wife's feelings over yours?

[enya46]

So he has told you he wants his wife and family. He has told you he is in love with his wife. He has not said he wants to continue the affair. You have repeatedly mentioned ending it and he hasn't said that he wants to continue. He talks about how much he has hurt his wife.

 

What more do you need to hear before you take your life back? How much more hurt do you need to be before you end the affair?

 

Are you waiting for him to dump you? If so, why? You know there is NO future with him. Why do you continue to hang onto a man who has chosen his wife's feelings over yours?

 

Jellybean, you are partly right, but...

 

He will not dump me. He is too worried about not letting me go completely, otherwise he wouldn't text me after midnight, in the morning at 8 am or call me on the phone.

This being said, I know that the affair is going nowhere but I love this guy and he is definitely not a bad person. He is weak. I am weak.

I would just like to be able to fall out of love and start enjoying the rest of the good things he shares with me, and which he is willing to continue sharing.

 

Of course, he is also willing to share sex, but I am not sure I can do that without the romantic part that we had before D-day.

 

I'm not so sure his wife's feelings are being considered when he keeps contacting me. He is risking (again) that she finds out and gets hurt again.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for your direct words, I will consider them. I just need to digest the fact that he told me today that he is in love with his wife.

[Hope Shimmers]

So he has told you he wants his wife and family. He has told you he is in love with his wife. He has not said he wants to continue the affair. You have repeatedly mentioned ending it and he hasn't said that he wants to continue. He talks about how much he has hurt his wife.

 

What more do you need to hear before you take your life back? How much more hurt do you need to be before you end the affair?

 

Are you waiting for him to dump you? If so, why? You know there is NO future with him. Why do you continue to hang onto a man who has chosen his wife's feelings over yours?

 

I agree she needs to get out for her sake, but regarding your statements that I bolded - this MM has said in every way that he indeed wants to continue the affair. For whatever reason. He continues to contact the OP repeatedly. He asks for "forgiveness" from her and continues to call her daily. Where, from that, do you get the impression that he has said he doesn't want to continue the affair? He clearly does. It's actions that matter, right? Not words. That's what everyone keeps saying, no?

 

He doesn't in fact "talk about how much he has hurt his wife" other than on D-day, because if he did that - and really believed it - then he would not continue contacting the OP. He just wants to "love" two women and make that work, for them both to continue to be in his life.

Edited August 17, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[thummper]

You didn't mention a husband, so I'm guessing you're single. PLEASE tell me you're NOT married and cheating on your husband!

[enya46]

You didn't mention a husband, so I'm guessing you're single. PLEASE tell me you're NOT married and cheating on your husband!

 

Thummper, I quote myself in this thread:

 

I am not married. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 10 years, but I ended it last year because I didn't feel the passion in anything we did together. We were very much roommates and I couldn't imagine the next years with him.

 

I haven't cheated on my partner. I told him I wasn't happy in the relationship and knew I didn't want to work on it either. We are now friends and communicating every couple of days.

[enya46]

But what man does not want a free affair for a woman except if the woman is very repellant, plus he does not even give anything, not even a tiny bit attention or careness or even fake loving words.

 

But for OP, what she wants to gain for the affair, she knows the MM has zero chance solely being with her, now she lowers herself just want to hear the empty loving words, but she still even can not get the empty fake loving words from the MM. How pathetic this kind of OW turning to be, lowest of low life?

 

Mount, I have taken the time to read some of your threads and after that, I kindly refrain from commenting on your post, since I don't see any support, empathy, constructive intentions whasoever.

I wish you all the best.

[Hope Shimmers]

Mount, I have taken the time to read some of your threads and after that, I kindly refrain from commenting on your post, since I don't see any support, empathy, constructive intentions whasoever.

I wish you all the best.

 

You handled that far better than I would have Enya.

[Mount]

My words might sound too straightforward so it might be harsh. What I meant is in real life, every relationship is kind of benefit exchange. Some OWs do not expect, or do not dare to ask their MMS to treat them/OWs as the priority, but at least some OWs like to hear the love words. That is the basic.

 

I feel it is unfair the way your MM does not even say love words to you since it is your very little request from him.

 

Mount, I have taken the time to read some of your threads and after that, I kindly refrain from commenting on your post, since I don't see any support, empathy, constructive intentions whasoever.

I wish you all the best.

[KaliLove]

Jellybean, you are partly right, but...

 

He will not dump me. He is too worried about not letting me go completely, otherwise he wouldn't text me after midnight, in the morning at 8 am or call me on the phone.

This being said, I know that the affair is going nowhere but I love this guy and he is definitely not a bad person. He is weak. I am weak.

I would just like to be able to fall out of love and start enjoying the rest of the good things he shares with me, and which he is willing to continue sharing.

 

Of course, he is also willing to share sex, but I am not sure I can do that without the romantic part that we had before D-day.

 

I'm not so sure his wife's feelings are being considered when he keeps contacting me. He is risking (again) that she finds out and gets hurt again.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for your direct words, I will consider them. I just need to digest the fact that he told me today that he is in love with his wife.

 

He's not the one doing the sharing, you are. You're sharing him with his wife. All he has to do is receive from both of you.

 

He's not taking his wifes' feelings into consideration and he's not taking yours into consideration either. He doesn't appear to care about hurting either one of you. All he seems to care about is getting the attention and the sex that he feels entitled to from both of you.

 

Why don't you believe that you deserve better than this?

[enya46]

He's not the one doing the sharing, you are. You're sharing him with his wife. All he has to do is receive from both of you.

 

He's not taking his wifes' feelings into consideration and he's not taking yours into consideration either. He doesn't appear to care about hurting either one of you. All he seems to care about is getting the attention and the sex that he feels entitled to from both of you.

 

Why don't you believe that you deserve better than this?

 

KaliLove,

 

I think the problem is he doesn't want to be seen as the "selfish cheater" (not by his wife and not by me) and tries to mend a bit here and a bit there.

He probably does not like the idea of going back to how his life was one year ago and doesn't want his M to end either. Not that his life was bad, but he told me more than once that I brightened up his days.

 

He is not a cold person at all, but I do recognise that he can feel horrible one moment (saturday morning) and later in the day call me on the phone and ask me how my day was, in a relaxed tone.

 

This morning I flew back to the country where I am still working until end of september (from oct I will be back in my country) and he texted me at 8 to see if I was already at the airport, to chat for a while until I boarded the plane.

I don't think all these actions are just to get sex from me. I think they are to keep the connection. He is scared of letting go. Maybe not as much as I am, because I am in love with him.

 

I don't know what I "deserve" in this context. I have put myself into this so I guess I deserve being treated with respect, as I treat him. He has not "thrown me under the bus" (funny expression for a european), and has told me the facts.

 

The reason I started this thread was to know if there were more OW/OM reading this, who also experienced a sudden cut in ILYs, and nice sweet talk after D-day, even if the A continued.

Edited August 17, 2014 by enya46

[enya46]

My words might sound too straightforward so it might be harsh. What I meant is in real life, every relationship is kind of benefit exchange. Some OWs do not expect, or do not dare to ask their MMS to treat them/OWs as the priority, but at least some OWs like to hear the love words. That is the basic.

 

I feel it is unfair the way your MM does not even say love words to you since it is your very little request from him.

 

Mount,

 

It is very little effort to say love words, yes.

 

It's not just about the words, it's about the feelings behind the words (or the lack of them).

 

There are reasons to why he stopped saying them. Those are the reasons I wanted to find out, with my thread, and asking him, of course.

 

E.

[KaliLove]

KaliLove,

 

I think the problem is he doesn't want to be seen as the "selfish cheater" (not by his wife and not by me) and tries to mend a bit here and a bit there.

He probably does not like the idea of going back to how his life was one year ago and doesn't want his M to end either. Not that his life was bad, but he told me more than once that I brightened up his days.

 

He is not a cold person at all, but I do recognise that he can feel horrible one moment (saturday morning) and later in the day call me on the phone and ask me how my day was, in a relaxed tone.

 

This morning I flew back to the country where I am still working until end of september (from oct I will be back in my country) and he texted me at 8 to see if I was already at the airport, to chat for a while until I boarded the plane.

I don't think all these actions are just to get sex from me. I think they are to keep the connection. He is scared of letting go. Maybe not as much as I am, because I am in love with him.

 

I don't know what I "deserve" in this context. I have put myself into this so I guess I deserve being treated with respect, as I treat him. He has not "thrown me under the bus" (funny expression for a european), and has told me the facts.

 

The reason I started this thread was to know if there were more OW/OM reading this, who also experienced a sudden cut in ILYs, and nice sweet talk after D-day, even if the A continued.

 

Well..that's the thing about posting on an open forum. You end up starting a discussion with people from all sides, and you get all sorts of opinions from all sorts of people. I don't think I've been cruel in any way..I simply have a different perspective on your situation than you do. Seeing something from another perspective is never a bad thing. It might be painful, but it's healthy.