Hit Like a Ton of Bricks -Wife Doesn't love me

[jmargel]

The reason why I give that advice is because he has mentioned he is a 'needy' person, perhaps someone who is co-dependent on her. Which is dangerous because it leaves yourself WIDE open to getting mistreated like he is. Through this whole 'withdrawl' of this OM, has she once thought of losing her husband?

 

What is going to happen, if it happens again? Will you comfort her because she lost another guy? What if she goes back to him and has another fling? Will you try to "be there" for her again? I don't want to get you upset, sys, but I don't want to see you become a safety net for her. She should be more concerned about losing you for the rest of her life, rather than being upset because it didn't work out from some guy she was messing around with behind your back.

 

From the posts I gathered from you, is that you put your wife's feelings in front of your own. Which is fine, except in situations such as giving her comfort about this OM. Personally I couldn't do that. You really need to take a hard look about whether you want to be in a relationship like this. Where you are so insecure about her leaving, that you will give up your own wants and desires to be treated right.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but the saying is true 'You get treated by how you let others treat you'. If you cheated on her, even just emotionally, do you think she would be "comforting" you over the loss of this other chick? Hell no, and you know it.

 

You are worth being with and if she can't see that then you need to find someone else. Don't waste your love on someone who is apparently still wanting someone else. Let her "want" to want you. You can't force love by being objective and giving her reasons why she should be with you. All of that should come naturally, and the best way to accomplish that is to be willing to walk away and have her face what she really is going to lose. It will also make you feel proud about yourself. It's time to make *yourself* happy. Don't base your happiness on her happiness.

[Owl]

Originally posted by jmargel

Through this whole 'withdrawl' of this OM, has she once thought of losing her husband?

 

Probably not much. You're working under the assumption that she's a rational, logical human being here friend. Which, at this point, she is NOT. If she were rational, she'd recognize that she's going through all of this over a fantasy...over a 'might have been'. She'd realize that she really ISN'T losing a loving, wonderful relationship with another man, that she's giving up the illusion of it. But...SHE CAN'T SEE IT THAT WAY YET!!!

 

In some ways, this isn't like a normal affair, that had at least some portion of it based in the "real world". This ALL happened in her head....it's almost purely fantasy. That's because she never touched this guy, she never was actually "with" him...but instead, it was all in her head....which is MUCH harder to deal with. Compared to drug addictions...this is like comparing coke to marijuana...both are addictive. But coke is WAY harder to deal with...not because of the physical needs it creates, but because of the mental and emotional ones!!!

 

If she's gone through anything like my wife, she's given very little real thought to what the next step was going to be like in reality. She likely had a fantasy of what it would be like when they met in person. She maybe had a fantasy of herself "living" with this guy...but paid no real attention to where her husband was going to fit into all of this. It's likely that she had some peripheral thoughts that he'd be there somehow...as a friend to them both perhaps.

 

Again, this kind of affair is hard to deal with on its own, because defeating a fantasy is WAY harder than defeating a real live person. How can anyone truly compare to the pictures of someone that we conjure up in our heads?? You can't...there are NO negative associations built there yet that would have likely occurred had this happened in person!

 

What is going to happen, if it happens again? Will you comfort her because she lost another guy? What if she goes back to him and has another fling? Will you try to "be there" for her again? I don't want to get you upset, sys, but I don't want to see you become a safety net for her.

 

At this point, he's more worried about dealing with NOW, than later. Right now, he's trying to stave off her going to be with the OM in person, and continuing the affair NOW than trying to deal with how to handle this in the future. And he should be.

 

In my case, I reacted and dealt with my wife's emotional affair pretty much the same way he is. I got her through the withdrawl, through the END of her affair. And NOW we're dealing with me, and my feelings, and what she needs to do to make sure that we won't end up in this boat again.

 

Am I worried that it could happen again? Yes....aren't we all that have been through this? Isn't that why ALL of us who had a spouse cheat on us are here on LS?? There are no garauntees. But, in the circumstances he's in, he's doing the right thing, in my opinon. He's focusing on the present battle, with a weather eye on how to win the war. He CAN'T win the war all in one blow right now...the enemy is too big and strong at the moment...it's her fantasy. So instead, he's got to let her get over her fantasy first....and then let HER see that the OM isn't the "god" she's made him out to be...and that her husband was a far better person than she could have thought possible during the affair. THEN he can work on the future of his marriage. Right now, he just wants to see if his marriage WILL have a future.

 

She should be more concerned about losing you for the rest of her life, rather than being upset because it didn't work out from some guy she was messing around with behind your back.

 

Again, agreed...if she were rational. And she damn sure had BETTER be worried about this once she gets past the withdrawl phase. Because if she's not, then there's no hope at all for a continued relationship between them. But, he doesn't stand a chance of making that happen right now, when she's focused everything on the fantasy of her OM. It HAS to wait until after she's past that first. THEN she'll be more rational, able to see what it was that she was doing...but she can't at the moment. She won't let herself, and there isnt' a darn thing he can do at the moment to make her. I know...I TRIED in my case.

 

From the posts I gathered from you, is that you put your wife's feelings in front of your own. Which is fine, except in situations such as giving her comfort about this OM. Personally I couldn't do that. You really need to take a hard look about whether you want to be in a relationship like this. Where you are so insecure about her leaving, that you will give up your own wants and desires to be treated right.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but the saying is true 'You get treated by how you let others treat you'. If you cheated on her, even just emotionally, do you think she would be "comforting" you over the loss of this other chick? Hell no, and you know it.

 

You are worth being with and if she can't see that then you need to find someone else. Don't waste your love on someone who is apparently still wanting someone else. Let her "want" to want you. You can't force love by being objective and giving her reasons why she should be with you. All of that should come naturally, and the best way to accomplish that is to be willing to walk away and have her face what she really is going to lose. It will also make you feel proud about yourself. It's time to make *yourself* happy. Don't base your happiness on her happiness.

 

 

I think that really does boil down to the fact that you are a different person that Sys...or I for that matter, JM. You couldn't do that yourself...that's fine. No one can fault you for that. However, there are times when you have to put someone else's needs above your own, and helping someone to heal is often one of them. Heck...that's what we all expect HER to do isn't it...put his needs above her own? And she does need to...when she's able to. When this is all said and done, she DOES need to put his needs above hers to help him heal and deal with the aftermath of her affair. It's what we all expect from the WS in these circumstances.

 

But in this case, given the severity of the withdrawl created by her emotional attachment to a FANTASY far stronger than what she would have had for a real-live, breathing, beer-drinking, belching, occasionally showering, farting, overweight, and generally REAL man....he can't get to the point of working on their MARRIAGE until she is able to think rationally. And to finally see, admit to, and take responsibility for her actions. It won't happen until the withdrawl is over.

 

Just my thoughts. It wouldn't be the first time I was full of hot air. But, I'm going to tell you he's doing exactly what I did...and out of all the people I know who've dealt with an affair started online like this, I'm in the only marriage I've seen make it as far as we have. And I don't see any signs (yet at least) of it ending anytime soon.

[jmargel]

Owl.. I can understand and appreciate your point of view. It very well may work out for you and I really hope it does.

 

However one thing I have learned is that the spouse cannot and should not be the therapist for the spouse who did the cheating. That is what the MC is for. It is way too much pressure for the cheated spouse to put their feelings way in the back while concentrating on their spouse.

 

The feelings, the emotions and everything that has gone in the marriage of the cheated spouse is just as important as the cheating spouse. Both spouses needs to heal together. The reason why I say this is, that IMO (again it's only my opinion, not a fact) that resentment can build up from the cheated spouse.

 

Yes she's living in a fantasy world, most are when they are cheating. However now is the time that the cheated spouse needs to make their own needs & happiness their #1 priority. Not to try to "save" their spouse from this OP, or convince them why they should not go off with them. That is for the MC to discuss with the cheating spouse.

 

Most importantly you need to heal your own wounds, and it's very hard to do that when you are trying to 'comfort' your spouse because they are in withdrawl of the OP. Like I said before you have to get your spouse to 'want' to 'want to be with you and the marriage'. It might be a tough pill for her to swallow but being there & comforting her over this is going to be a negative over the long run. Yes you need to take things day by day, but you also have to consider what you are imposing onto your spouse by going this route.

 

IMO, the willingness to walk away from it all (not saying you should) should be enough for the cheating spouse to wake up and see that what they are about to do will have significant consequences within' their marriage. Even if they are for the moment living in a fantasy world.

 

Remember be her husband, not her therapist.

[sysyphus]

Look, just because I have some sympathy for her, doesn't mean I'm acting like a doormat. I love my wife and regardless of the reasons, when she is in pain, I feel bad for her. At the same time that I am trying to just make this period easier for her, I am not begging, pleading, or smothering her with affection. Frankly she hasn't asked for it. We are getting along and I give her the space she needs when she needs it.

 

Yes she's living in a fantasy world, most are when they are cheating. However now is the time that the cheated spouse needs to make their own needs & happiness their #1 priority. Not to try to "save" their spouse from this OP, or convince them why they should not go off with them. That is for the MC to discuss with the cheating spouse.

 

My happiness is largely going to be determined by how this goes. What would make me happy would be for my family to stay intact. And yes the MC is a very important part of this. I also don't think that playing hard-to-get is appropriate at this stage of our situation.

 

I don't think you have clearly distinguished the difference in my posts between my feelings and my actions. They are often quite different.

 

In terms of priorities, we both need her to be over the OM before we can work to heal ourselves and our marriage. I am patient. The fact that she is actually doing this is going a long way towards the healing process.

 

JM, I know you mean well, but realize that you and I are obviously different people with different approaches to this. I also know my wife better than you and I have some idea of what works with her despite the deep problems we have.

 

Thanks for the advice, but I'd rather not turn my problems into a platform for debate between various factions here. Don't have the energy for it.

[whichwayisup]

Sys, well said.

 

Keep doing what you're doing because it is working for you.

 

I hope your weekend goes well.

[jmargel]

No need to get defensive, like I said I am only offering my opinion.

 

There is one thing I disagree with is this:

 

In terms of priorities, we both need her to be over the OM before we can work to heal ourselves and our marriage

 

This is wrong. You two need to be working on the issues on what lead upto this. She won't be over this OM for a very long time. I believe you should start your healing process right away. That's where the MC comes in.

 

My happiness is largely going to be determined by how this goes

 

Yes she hurt you and it's taken alot from you. However your happiness in life should not be totally based on the outcome of this. You have alot of other things to live for.

 

I also don't think that playing hard-to-get is appropriate at this stage of our situation.

 

I never said play hard to get. I was trying to get the point across that you have to let her know how *you* feel. That your feelings in this are just as important as her regarding the OM. If you are upset don't be afraid to show it because you fear that she make look for comfort in this OM.

 

I also know my wife better than you and I have some idea of what works with her despite the deep problems we have.

 

I agree that you know her better than I do, which I don't know her at all. But honestly, if you "knew" what works with her would you really be in this situation? I'm not trying to start a debate or tell you what is right. Only she and the counselor knows what is going to be best for her.

 

My suggestion would be to talk to the MC and ask their opinion. From my own counseling and experience this is the approach I would take.

 

I can understand you are emotionally exhausted and continuing to 'babysit' her through this 'withdrawl' is only going to continue to drain you. You need to start addressing your own needs as well as hers.

[whichwayisup]

JM, you DO give awesome advice, I think you're pretty wise yourself...I'm sorry but I have to jump in here because I feel you missed something and haven't understood what sys has said...

 

Thanks for the advice, but I'd rather not turn my problems into a platform for debate between various factions here. Don't have the energy for it.

 

Thing about giving advice...Gotta take it too. Sorry again, I don't mean to sound rude, not my intention, but this guy just said he doesn't have the energy.

[sysyphus]

Had my solo MC session last night. Went well-nothing too heavy. Largely the conversation was focused on "don't worry about the OM -he isn't real and you have a lot more going for you than he does-mainly you're "here" and you can do things for her that he can't". To which I added "good and bad". The basic gist was let's see what difference the NC makes.

 

The second part was the suggestion that we get some common RL friends. Right now our social life is in the toilet. We have zero common friends in the area. He feels having some real common friends would be a good idea. We've moved around a lot and are somewhat new to our area and frankly just haven't made any real effort to meet people in our area. We have a number of neighbors that we are friendly with, but we don't have regular contact with.

 

I explained that we are both somewhat shy and feel like misfits a lot of the time -not terribly "mainstream" in our outlook on life or our interests (not a sports and cars kind of guy). But, that said, I think we'll bite the bullet and try to get some people over and see what we can do towards improving our social circle.

 

Talked a little to my wife about the session -not much to say really, but she did tell me that her guild friends are supporting her and she told them that under not circumstances should they try to act as go-betweens for the OM should he try and that if they are together in a chat-channel that they cannot invite him. They've all agreed. So hopefully she can keep some of their common friends and still avoid him -we'll see. She seems genuinely committed to the NC. I think she is still full of doubt about this, but as as per my request, she isn't saying anything one way or the other in terms of laying odds for success. The MC told me to ignore those kinds of comments because they are just "little things" that have no long-term meaning. He told me to "ignore the little man behind the curtain".

 

Anyway, feeling OK, a bit hopeful and a lot nervous. Thanks for being here.

[whichwayisup]

What kind of interests are you and your wife into? As in maybe bird watching, photography etc...Maybe it would be fun to take a course together, or a cooking class! That is a good way of meeting new people with common interests.

 

The MC told me to ignore those kinds of comments because they are just "little things" that have no long-term meaning. He told me to "ignore the little man behind the curtain".

 

That's good advice. Easier said than done, but I think the therapist is right. He isn't what counts now. YOU are.

 

Have a good weekend Sys.

[sysyphus]

Well the weekend was pretty unremarkable -but that's probably the first weekend I can say that about since this whole thing began. No emotional melt-downs, nothing out of the ordinary. My wife was "tired" and a bit more irritable than usual, but can't say if it was part of the NC, or just the fact that our kids were on 11 all weekend (they were pushing me over the edge too). It's hard to take care of yourself or another when the little ones are taking most of your time and attention.

 

As for me, without the emotional outbursts, I'm just sitting tight, patiently waiting to see where things go. It's kind of weird, despite the negative effects of last week's melt-downs, at least then I felt in direct contact with the situation. Maybe that's why I would set them off. Keeping low-key all week almost feels like stagnation but I shouldn't complain. Those outbursts did noting to improve the situation. This week we both go to the MC and hopefully that will quell my sense of loss of momentum.

[jmargel]

Sys, do as the counselor suggests. Don't worry so much about this OM. Start working on what is wrong in your marriage. Start dealing with the 'issues', not the 'topics'. Here is an excerpt from my post (thats in my link) that may benefit you:

 

Think of it as a weed. You don't like that weed but by just pulling out the leaves (dealing with the topic) you temporarily have some relief that the affiar is over, however the roots are still in the ground it's only a matter of time before the leaves grow back (another affair happens). Pulling this weed out by the roots will cause the topics (the affairs) to disappear entirely. As you put more time and effort into your garden, you'll notice more flowers and the less of a threat of weeds.

 

You'll start feeling better about yourself, your wife and your marriage by facing these and knocking them down one by one. Marriage is continual work not on just each other but yourselves.

[sysyphus]

Thanks for that (and sorry if I got a bit hot previously). Makes a lot of sense and yeah, my main thing is fixing the problems. Frankly, for my part I'm anxious to work on the issues. Just that the damn topic was overwhelmingly distracting and threatening -still is. The NC is a big help though. Hope it does the trick in terms of clearing the field for real work on the marriage on her part. I'm ready to go. So many of our problems stem from the fact that instead of actively working on our marriage, we slipped into complacency which eventually led to very serious issues of neglect. I'm certain that if we can get through this, we'll have better marriage then we ever had. That's the dream anyway. A lot of work to do and keep doing.

[jmargel]

No problem man.. The OM is going to be a burden to both of you for quite awhile, however change what you can (which are the problems that caused this) and don't let this OM stand in your way in accomplishing this.

 

Also make sure you let your wife know how you feel. Women love confidence in a man and when you show that you just become more attractive to her. Try doing those things you used to do with her when you first started dating. Don't go overboard, just remember what you liked to do with her. You two had to have things in common. Being in a relationship might take work, but it shouldn't feel like it. Remember to have fun in life with and without her.

[sysyphus]

Well, another day. Things seem to be smoothing out, no outbursts, nothing too heavy of late.

 

Today my wife AIMed me telling me she was stepping down as guild-leader, and was pretty much cutting herself off from the whole EQ1 thing. Handed leadership to OM! -I'm not commenting one way or the other. I'm not sure if it meant any kind of contact or not, but in this case, it doesn't bug me if it means she's closing the door on that part of her life for a while (or longer). In some ways (as she says), since he's in charge now, it's all for the best if she walks away from it altogether. Beyond her stepping down, it was becoming a big burden on her as the guild was in a lot of turmoil and she was taking on a lot more than she wanted to deal with, or could deal with.

 

Sad for her, but glad she could walk away from it.

[whichwayisup]

Sys, that is good news and now her focus can be on the working on the marriage. I do hope things get better and she makes the effort to work through it with you.

 

Seems she's showing you what she will do to fix things as hard as that may have been for her to walk away from, she's doing it now.

 

Hang in there.

[Owl]

Sys-

 

Glad to hear that things are calming down a bit. And it does sound good that she's backing out of EQ and taking a break from it...but I sure wonder about leaving the guild to the OM! LOL...me personally, I suggest that you start a new char on that server, and start spamming PoK with what a scumbag he is, but that's just me!

 

Question for you on the AIM thing...you know if she's removed him from her buddy list? I am just curious. Was the "official" NC thing supposed to start tomorrow? And how was that supposed to be communicated to the OM?

 

Hang in there friend. Hope things stay going well for you.

[sysyphus]

Hi Owl,

 

She left it to him because the guild is dying and there really isn't anyone else qualified (they have a handful of qualified officers) -I know this much. In some ways it's good in that now she really knows (and I do to) that going back is a pretty risky behavior. Might actually help enforce tings. By the time the NC is over I wouldn't be surprised though if the guild is folded or absorbed. A lot bigger guilds are folding now due to WoW and EQ2. No matter, I'm glad she won't have the distraction or the sense of responcibility to the guild and the added stress it has given her. Should really make some room for thinking about more important things. She was already backing off, but the more recent guild problems were really pissing her off -as she said "It's like they waited until I couldn't deal with this stuff to start freaking out!"

 

Yeah, I can see the aim list -it's short and I know who the others on the list are.

 

AFAIK, the NC is supposed to start tomorrow, but she announced it to him last week. I imagine we'll discuss it together with the MC tomorrow night amd hash out any particulars (we haven't had a "joint" session in 2 weeks). I know that there are ways that this is supposed to be handled -I'll be sure to bring it up.

 

Thanks again to everyone -this has been a great help to me.

[Ladyjane14]

Seeing her at "loose ends", wandering around the house, looking bored and sad.... is going to probably hurt your feelings some. So, be prepared.

 

Maybe it might be wise to start thinking in advance about new ways to spend time together. (????)

[sysyphus]

Actually, we do have a number of things we do together. If nothing else, we have a lot of common interests, so shouldn't be a problem. If anything, the problem for her will be filling her day at home alone with the kids.

 

Weird feelings this morning. I've been feeling really positive lately -not overly hopeful, but positive. Things seem to have settled down, and some of the weird "everyting is feeling kind of phony and loaded" seems to have cleared. We're getting along really well and we've been perfect in terms of keeping the upheavals under control. So of course, as soon as I start feeling comfortable, I get paranoid -sigh. My wife came down the stairs today after getting dressed and man, she looked really great -nothing out of the ordinary, just well put together -and I told her so. So why am I thinking _"why does she look so good today -shouldn't she be miserable and neglecting herself (which I really don't expect, nor has she been doing). It's not like she's putting herself together for the OM. I must be crazy. I have found that on MC days, I get more paranoid than ever -I seem to be waiting for a bomb to drop at the session b/c I know it's a "safe" place for her to say the heavier things. So forgive me if I'm being weird today. I'm sure after the session, I'll be doing much better.

[Owl]

LOL...don't sweat those feelings, Sys. MC day for me too, and it's the same way for us. I can make one suggestion that we've found helps us to deal with our counseling sometimes. We've established a ritual where we go out and get Sheridan's custard right after we get done with our session...no matter how easy or tough the session was. We have a specific flavor that we both like a lot, so we get a big one, and share it on the way home. We call it our "I'm ok-you're ok-we're ok" treat. This wasn't anything that the counselor suggested...just something we started doing on our own.

 

Today also marks the 10-month anniversary of my d-day. 10 months ago at this time was when I found the proof out of what was going on. And a year ago at this time was when things got serious between them. All of that has been on mind a lot lately...so I'm a bit moody myself.

 

But...the good news is...today isn't as bad as it was 10 months ago! Hang in there friend.

[jmargel]

Sys.. Instead of thinking paranoid thoughts, think "Maybe she is finally starting to be happy with herself and wanted to look good for 'me' and herself".

 

When you start getting those paranoind thoughts, do the following, it'll take between 5 and 10 minutes:

 

Go into a quite room, sit in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Then pick out a time you hold memorable with your husband. A time that made you really happy. Relive that moment, think about it in great detail. Do this between 5 to 10 minutes. When you are done, slowly open your eyes take a few more breathes then wake up. By then that awful feeling should start to pass. If it doesn't go back to step 1 again.

 

Hope this helps..

[sysyphus]

thanks for that idea -I'll definitely give it a try -anything's better than the paranoia.

 

Had our session last night. I came out of it with mixed feelings. My wife got very sad when the MC talked about how "people" find that they can't talk to the person they're supposed to love more than anyone for a lot of reasons (afraid, don't know what's bothering them, etc.). I think she feels so much guilt over letting things go as far as they did, but feels helpless to do anything about it. I got a bit sad when he said hat we'd "fallen out of like" with each other and had to rediscover each other. I like to think we're still friends, but he may be right in that there has been so much hurt on both sides, that a real distance has grown between us. Maybe what I see as being friends is really just familiarity.

 

The MC suggested we start doing things together (we do) to reccnnect. I guess the trouble I'm having right now, is where to begin. We have so much in common, but I want to get beyond that same-old same-old and really find some things to find fresh and rejuvinating. Any ideas? Having a hard time starting a conversation that doesn't turn on plans for the week and the kids. How can we rediscover each other?

 

She told me last night how miserable she had been all week (the guild thing, but mostly over the NC I assume). I knew she was out of sorts ,but didn't really pick up on true misery. I guess she's keeping that to herself (as I would expect). I tried to tell her that time would make things better -but I wonder if that makes her sadder (the idea that the relationship with the OM could fade) then the idea of missing him. A weird place to be right now and I'm trying to be patient enough to see us through to whatever place we come to next.

[sysyphus]

Well it's Tuesday, and as you may know from previous posts, this is my "hard" day. The OM's day off and the day my wife used to play EQ with him (well other days too, but this was the day I wasn't around). She's been IMing with some EQ buddies -she expressed how much she missed playing with them (him too I imagine). Tried my best to be understanding and comforting as I could ,but in all honesty, neither of us liked where the conversation was going so we stopped.

 

She is still mostly expressing how sad she is and hoping that it will get better. I try to assure her that she won't be sad forever, but can't really go into the whole "honey, you're missing the endorphin rush the OM gave you..." route as it doesn't wash with her and just makes her feel like I'm trivializing her emotions. Wish I could give her some assurance that it will get better (hell, wish I could assure myself).

 

She's been really short-tempered with the kids lately and generally tired and lethargic -I assume this is part of the withdrawal and a general state of depression. Anyone have the same experience? Any general idea of how long this might last? She has a Dr. appointment later in the month and I'm going to suggest she talk to him about treating depression, but she is resistant at the moment saying that this is short-term and doesn't need pills (afraid it will impair her ability to handle the kids as well).

[Owl]

Well, can relate to you what my wife and I went through, friend.

 

My wife's depression lasted about three weeks, give or take. I've heard that this is a pretty common timeframe, but it is dependent upon how long the EA lasted, the quanitity/quality of their communication, etc... And during that time, she too was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Her sleep was full of bad dreams, and she cried herself to sleep several times. During the day, she was worn down from lack of sleep, and a general feeling of "hopelessness".

 

Sounds to me like you're doing the right thing by not trying to "put it into perspective" for her at the moment. It's going to be a good while before she will start to see that. I'd try to do what you've done so far...let her know that pain fades over time.

 

As far as the depression meds...my wife had been diagnosed with depression about a year PRIOR to her affair...and had stopped taking her meds. She too was insistent that the depression had nothing to do with her situation...but now realizes that it was a BIG part of it.

 

Tell her that the depression meds are not forever. They're not meant to be. Tell her that they would just let her work with a clearer head now, when she needs it the most. And let her know that they do NOT impair your judgement, and would in no way make it harder for her to help the kids...on the contrary, what they will do is let her work past her emotions and be a BETTER mom for them during this crisis. I like the way our Dr told my wife when we talked to him about the meds...he said "Well, if you weren't depressed BEFORE this, you are NOW!".

 

I'm not you, but I can tell you that I do wish that I had considered getting meds for myself as well, looking back. It would have helped me to deal with things a bit better as well.

Hang in there friend. I really do feel that your marriage stands a good chance at recovering from this. My only other bit of advice at this point would be to realize that your wife is going to have a very tough time actually sticking to the no contact rule...bluntly, she's very likely to break it. You need to be on the lookout to catch when she does, and to challenge her when you see it happen. And be willing to bring it up in counseling too. It was kind of funny looking back...every single week, we'd go to the counselor, and she'd say "well, (this) happened, so there's no way we'll be in contact anymore"...and every single week, they'd find a reason or a way to resume contact. This went on for over a month before I could finally get an end to it.

 

I really think you should revisit the idea of a keylogger...that she knows is on her computer, but one that she doesn't know what the password is. And, keep an eye on the phone usage as well. She needs to know that she's going to be held accountable for her actions...and she's really not been up to this point.

[sysyphus]

Thanks for the insight Owl. I've got to tell you (like you need to be told), it's rough seeing her so down and realize that there is really very little I can do. Saw her and the kids for lunch today and she is really down. No energy, just lifeless -very distressing to see. I broached the anti-depressive idea with her. She is still resistant, but said she would talk to the doctor about her situation and at least listen to what he has to say. Unfortunately, she doesn't have her appointment until the end of the month so we 'll have to soldier on as best we can.

 

We'll be with family over the Easter weekend and we're both a bit uptight about that as well as no one has a clue as to what's going on and we're going to have to get through the weekend as best we can. I'm hoping another week will help improve our moods rather than make it worse, but we'll see.

 

As for sticking to the NC, I can see in small paranoid ways that she might be picking around the edges. She was in brief contact with a RL friend of the OM that she knows through EQ, but have no idea what transpired (she told me about it and didn't make a big deal out of it -but it seemed odd). That and the "I miss EQ1 with my friends" although not an overt act, seemed to show how hard a time she's having. That's part of the problem, a whole aspect of her social life has had to get jettisoned along with the OM because they all played together and now she can't play with any of them and be "safe".

 

I'm pretty much steeling myself against the idea that the NC may well be violated at some point and trying to just get through it with grace. When the affair was first revealed, the first thing I asked for was that she cut off contact and give us a chance to figure things out and she agreed, but failed within days. That betrayal, without any MC in place yet was really a bad scene -I felt doubly betrayed and really went off on her (big mistake). That led to a second round pre-MC in which she still talked to him ,but this was in the "his Mom is sick and I can't do this to him now" phase at which time the contact was limited to a few calls to check up on him. This was all before the MC brokered a deal. So I already know how secretive she can be and how easy it is to not comply. It's so hurtful to have someone you love lie to you and then continue to lie and deceive even after they've been caught. I guess once it becomes habitual it's not so hard to do -but man it hurts -not that I need to tell anyone here that. Any way, maybe, just maybe we've gone through enough slow braking on the affair that this part will stick. Crossing my fingers.