I'm freaking out, DDay is here.

[halfalive]

Slight T/J

 

Your husband left and filed for divorce, right? So telling did serve a purpose. He decided that he wouldn't live with a woman who didn't respect him as a man and wanted to make him the second choice. In the long run he will be much happier for it.

 

Glow worm, no matter which point you are on the infidelity triangle BS/WS/OM-W the best way out or forward comes from asking and answering the "tough" questions. When I was in the midst of my wifes affair I kept telling myself I stay because I love her and I want to make it work. It was a lie, not totally, but not the real reason I stayed. I stayed because I felt I had to win, and because I was scared. Once I got honest about that I felt calm and knew divorce was the only way I could move foward.

 

A few people come here to watch the wreckage, most come here to help. Sometimes we only see what we want to, by come here telling our stories other people see it for what it is and communicate it as such. Sometimes its hard to take, but its the reality that we face.

 

Had I been here during that time, I'm guessing I would have ended my marriage sooner then I did.

 

Its sure as hell has aided both of us being here as we've come together again after many years apart.

 

 

No, my husband did not leave. He is still clinging on tight even though I have told him I am not happy in the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

No, my husband did not leave. He is still clinging on tight even though I have told him I am not happy in the marriage.

 

Then you need to buck up and leave your husband. It's better to hurt your husband from honesty and truth rather than stay out of guilt and obligation. He will survive.

[herself]

Youve got to focus on moving forward.

You cant stay stuck in the past reliving and hating yourself.

What purpose can it serve to constantly look back, you cant undo it.

Whatever faith you have in your life maybe ask that higher power for forgiveness and strength. Maybe seek a few counseling sessions to help cope and grow.

You took the important step to end it. Stop wallowing. Time to look forward.

[DKT3]

No, my husband did not leave. He is still clinging on tight even though I have told him I am not happy in the marriage.

 

 

Odd, because in another thread you said he left and filed for divorce. Whatever.

[Meretchen]

So those of you that read my recent post know that 8 days ago I decided to end my A of 4+ years by telling the BW. Not everyone agrees with how I ended it, and I accept and respect that, so I wasn't looking to discuss that here (read last week's post for a discussion, if you're interested)

 

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that it's been complete NC for 8 days now and every day I'm stronger in my resolve to keep it that way. I'm experiencing some of the worst pain I have ever felt but every day I'm just a little bit more sure that this is for the best.

 

The more time that passes, however, and as the "affair fog" fades away, the harder it is to deal with the guilt of having been the OW. The BW was completely devastated by the revelation of the A, and I feel like a monster. The fact that I had no idea he was a committed man for the whole first half of the A doesn't help, since I know that I should have ended it as soon as I found out about the existence of BW. And I didn't. And that was wrong.

 

In a twist of fate, four days ago my sister who I am very close with found out her husband has been having an affair and now they are separated. Dealing with my sister's pain has only served to intensify the horrible-ness of how I feel about having been an OW. My emotions being pulled a million different directions has been an intense and surreal experience. It's hard to cope.

 

Good for you, glow worm, seems like we travel the same path. I am very sorry to hear about your sister :-(

[Lovemesomehim]

I'm very sorry to hear about your sister.

[idkwsstf]

It's weird how you have to do something drastic to put a final end to an A. I came clean to my H. Never thought I would, but after a 5 and a half year A, I knew if I was ever going to stop the back and fourth game I had to!! I needed to stop saying I was going to change and actually change.

 

A few weeks later in a confession letter I typed I personally handed it to the OM wife. Also giving her my # so she could call me if she had questions. I thought that would give me closure, but to my surprise no sooner after I gave her the letter, I felt upset and sick and horrible for knowing I hurt her. I hated myself for putting so much detail in the letter (not sex details, but facts so she would know I wasn't lying). I cried myself to sleep for 2 nights. She did txt me to ask a question and as promised I answered her, but a couple days later she txt to tell me she couldn't believe what I had done to her home and family, she said to never again contact her or her husband. I was angry!! I didn't give her my # so she could say that I did this!! (We did this, her H and I)... To remind her of that I responded with a picture of me and him, and told her it was both of us, and yes what I did was horrible, but he was just as much a part of it as I was, and he's the one who married her and made promises to her.

 

This did a couple of things, 1. Made me feel even worse!!! She had ever right to tell me off, or insult me, I wronged her family... But in a moment of attack I got defensive . 2. It made me feel good about exposing him for who he really is.

 

I guess my advice would be, if she contacts you let her be mad at you if she wants to... You kind of deserve it. And be honest with her about anything she needs to know. Good luck and I'm glad you did what you had to to put an end to your A.

[glow worm]

idkwsstf, everything you said really resonates with me.

 

It's been 10 days now, still absolute NC, and I haven't heard from BW yet. I'm not sure if she will ever contact me. At this point, I hope she doesn't because it will re-open wounds for me that are starting to heal and also, she could say things like your BW said to you and although I also feel she has a right to be angry with me, the fact that MM chose to have an affair was absolutely not my fault, as he lied to me the first 2 years and I thought he was single! I hope I would be able to respond in a compassionate and dignified manner if she texted me the things your BW texted you. I'll probably seek the advice of a trusted friend or two to make sure that I don't react too emotionally if she texts me.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

The fact that he lied to you in the beginning about being single does not absolve you for choosing to continue the relationship after you found out the truth.

 

If you are genuine in owning your part in the affair, then I would advise you to stop blaming MM for your actions. Whether you knew he was attached from day 1 or 3 years in to your relationship..the fact of the matter is that you chose to remain with him anyways.

 

No more blaming or playing victim. Stand up and take responsibility. That is the only way you will truly move forward and grow.

 

Good luck. You're taking steps in the right direction ...keep moving forward and doing the right thing.

 

 

 

idkwsstf, everything you said really resonates with me.

 

It's been 10 days now, still absolute NC, and I haven't heard from BW yet. I'm not sure if she will ever contact me. At this point, I hope she doesn't because it will re-open wounds for me that are starting to heal and also, she could say things like your BW said to you and although I also feel she has a right to be angry with me, the fact that MM chose to have an affair was absolutely not my fault, as he lied to me the first 2 years and I thought he was single! I hope I would be able to respond in a compassionate and dignified manner if she texted me the things your BW texted you. I'll probably seek the advice of a trusted friend or two to make sure that I don't react too emotionally if she texts me.

[idkwsstf]

Glow, yes.. you gave her your #, but you're 100% right, you need to put a limit on it too. If 10 days or even 20 pass... you're too busy moving on to back track. If she ever does reach out to you, at this point you have the right to say, sorry... I'm moving on. Believe it or not, you do move on I'm not completely moved on, but everyday is better than the last!

[DKT3]

Glow, yes.. you gave her your #, but you're 100% right, you need to put a limit on it too. If 10 days or even 20 pass... you're too busy moving on to back track. If she ever does reach out to you, at this point you have the right to say, sorry... I'm moving on. Believe it or not, you do move on I'm not completely moved on, but everyday is better than the last!

 

I agree with this. Leave it behind.

 

Idkwsstf, you say your moving on, but from which relationship? At some point you will have to moarn the lost of your marriage and husband also. I know you put him on the back burner but as you distance from the OM those feeling that you've surpressed in your marriage and for your husband will resurface. You will have the urge to return to him, if it hasn't already started to cross your mind.

 

Sorry for the slight T/J

[glow worm]

The fact that he lied to you in the beginning about being single does not absolve you for choosing to continue the relationship after you found out the truth.

 

If you are genuine in owning your part in the affair, then I would advise you to stop blaming MM for your actions. Whether you knew he was attached from day 1 or 3 years in to your relationship..the fact of the matter is that you chose to remain with him anyways.

 

 

This is why I pretty carefully chose my words, I fully accept responsibility for continuing in the A once I found out he was a committed man. Never intended to be the victim here.

 

I merely stated above that it's not my fault that he initially chose to have an affair. Which is absolutely isn't.

[glow worm]

To idkwsstf and dkt (and anybody else who would like to input on this.)

 

If BW were to contact me, how long do you think it would be? What's a normal time frame? At the time of disclosure she actually asked for my number and wrote it down.

 

Now I'm looking at changing my phone number to fully prevent MM from being able to contact me. The only problem with this is I want to be available to talk to BW if she wants, and I promised her I would be available if she wanted to talk to me. If I change my number this won't be possible. How long should I wait? It's been 13 days now since DDay.

[A.Moscote]

Good to know that you are taking another step to safeguard yourself from the affair glow worm, keep on moving forward! Since it is still so early from the breaking off, it is just imperative that you put your recovery and healing first before anything. Know your limit, and avoid putting yourself into a too stressful situation, lest it will affects your perseverance and judgement and make you more susceptible to break the NC. Take time before deciding on anything, and be careful.

 

However, I believe that we all can be a bit more empathy towards others. 13 days is not that long for a betrayed person to be decisive or to even recover and recompose herself from the blowing trauma. Perhaps she is not yet aware of the trickle truth or the manipulation played on her (we can read it here how often wandering spouses do that to favor themselves) to consider that she might benefit from your help. Remember, didn't you too need quite a time to find your resolve to stop the affair? So give her some time as well for her struggle. Message her your new number if you changed it, let her know simply it is only to help her. Asked her to keep it secret.

 

When there's a chance for us to do an act of kindness, take it, reciprocate that hand reaching out for help. You'd never know if 10, 20 years later, the favor would be returned to you, by that same person you choose to help. Of course, we can understand your sentiment, and agree too, that the most important thing is still about protecting yourself. So make sure of that first. You have conducted this whole situation respectfully and considerately though I have to say. Keep on with that style, I'm sure people around you will appreciate it. Good luck on this next phase of your life, be patient and optimist.

[WakingUp]

To idkwsstf and dkt (and anybody else who would like to input on this.)

 

If BW were to contact me, how long do you think it would be? What's a normal time frame? At the time of disclosure she actually asked for my number and wrote it down.

 

Now I'm looking at changing my phone number to fully prevent MM from being able to contact me. The only problem with this is I want to be available to talk to BW if she wants, and I promised her I would be available if she wanted to talk to me. If I change my number this won't be possible. How long should I wait? It's been 13 days now since DDay.

 

Just change your phone number.

[idkwsstf]

DKT3, I'm moving on from the relationship I had with the OM, he was a part of my life for 5 plus years. It was wrong, it was a betrayal, but we did it... So letting go of someone even for the right reasons is still hard. Maybe not what anyone wants to hear, but honest none the less. I hope I never have to mourn the loss of my marriage, but will deal with that IF that day ever comes. It may seem unbelievable to others, but it is VERY possible to have 2 good relationships. Throughout my A, I had many great days and memories with my H. I lived a double life, but didn't suppress anything in my marriage. I have no desire to ever be with the OM whatsoever, I've seen him for who he really is and deeply regret the whole A, the hurt I've caused my family and his. I've been judged harshly on this forum, and regret ever posting my experience. Hopefully I can give insight to someone from my experience ::sigh ::

 

Glow, (sorry about that, back to you) my advice, set a limit. Put an end date to the last day she can contact you.... 13 days is early, she may be wrapping her head around things and doesn't even know if she wants to call you. Maybe a month from the day your friend called her could be your limit. Maybe 2? Honestly only you know what your personal limit is. So set it, stick to it and on that date, change your # and close the door on the OM and his W forever.

 

It gives you something to look forward to, the end of this chapter in your life, closure of some sort. If you set a date, but perhaps a week or so before it comes you find that you're ready to do it... Then do it!! If not wait till the date, but don't go past it.

 

My 2 cents for what they're worth

[glow worm]

Thanks for the helpful replies. And I appreciate the kind words, A Moscote. I think I'll leave my number the same for the time being, as we are now on day 14 NC and MM hasn't tried to contact me yet. I agree with what some of you have suggested that 14 days is a short amount of time for BW to decide whether or not calling me will be helpful to her, so I'll wait for now. I will reconsider, however, if MM does try to contact me.

 

Ladyluck, well, I agree with your sentiment now more than ever. But ... I already disclosed the A to the BW (yes thru my best friend) 14 days ago. I did go quite lightly on the details, since I felt more details would just increase her pain and I really was trying to be as sensitive and compassionate as possible to her. In retrospect, I worry that I didn't give enough details and evidence for her to understand the full depth of the A. But, I just have to let that go now and move on. I (thru my friend) already contacted her once, told her about the A, and promised her I would leave both of them alone: if I contact her again I'll just look like a bunny boiler.

[HBIC]

Glow worm, I just wanted to pop in quick to say I am EXTREMELY proud of you. Don't fuss about the details too much. Just live your life. Change your number and move on. "Drive your bus" of life with joy, looking forward not back.

[Meretchen]

Seconding this

[glow worm]

Thank you so much HBIC and Meretchen. Day 17 NC today: It's been hard but I'm still determined to keep NC. Thanks for the support it definitely helps