was he cheating or am i crazy?

[HereNorThere]

Although you may not have the full truth, you have enough to know he doesn't treat you well. That alone is worth breaking the bond with him and perusing a better life. Good luck with everything and stay strong!

[HereNorThere]

I am left thoroughly confused and heartbroken after this past year with this man. He came onto me so strong after wanting me for 2 years. He was off and on with his ex when we met, and they too had many problems. From what I heard, she was very insecure, jealous, and controlling. During the course of their down times in the relationship when he would see me, he was very flirtatious. I thought he was genuinely interested in me so when we were both officially single, I gave him a chance. I was blown away with how kind and good he was to me. But anytime I brought up any issues, he would get upset and tell me he wouldn't support it. I acted like any normal person would in a relationship...sure I had my few jealous moments and questions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I always tried to understand him and know more about him and his reasons for doing things but he didn't want me to ask too many questions and told me to just go with the flow often. I never stopped him from doing anything and I was always there to support him and do anything I could to help him in his hard times. He knew I loved him, and his friend and brother said he felt the same about me, but he clearly told me more than once "Im not the kind of guy to tell you I love you. You will never hear me say it." He talked about marriage and kids with me several times, and said he wanted those things with me, but only when things were good it seemed and it would all be stripped away when he was so mad at me. He always had one foot in and one foot out the door in our relationship and let the smallest things I did make him so angry to where he broke up with me 3 times. I couldn't express my needs or wants without him telling me, "This is who I am and I do things I my own way. If you don't like it, then you need to find someone else. I am not changing for you or anyone." I would have done anything to see him smile or be there for him but when I simply wanted to do things or just needed more affection from him he would not budge. It was all on his terms and his own way. He rarely made plans in advance and always asked me to do things at the last minute. he didn't believe in plans because according to him if they don't work out you wont be disappointed. He blamed me for the problems in our relationship and never took responsibility for his actions and I never really got any genuine apologies. I could be right about something, but he would turn it around on me everytime and say, "nothing is good enough for you. you are never happy. I try my best and you always complain" not true...I adored him and even the people around us saw how much I appreciated him and how good I was to him. he was so critical of me and my mistakes and would often threaten to leave when things got tough for him. he ultimately ended it this time with "im unhappy and I don't want to be angry...its not good for you or me." he thinks I am immature, needy, and insecure and not thankful for anything. so not true! how was I supposed to feel when I was constantly put on the back burner, broken up with, and him being mad at me or giving me the silent treatment? aren't adults supposed to work through things? I saw all his flaws and shortcomings and I always tried to understand him and be there for him, and took responsibility for my end of things...but I never felt like we fixed problems and instead just dusted them under the rug and they would come up again and again. I couldn't talk to him and work things out...he would shut me down and always turn it around on me like I said. I couldn't have a mad look on my face, I couldn't complain about anything, I couldn't have a different opinion....he would always get upset in one way or the other and even hung up on me several times while on the phone because "I mad him mad and he didn't want to argue" he is such a wonderful person with a great personality, hardworking, and very giving...but why was he so mad at me all the time and constantly wanting to leave when things got hard?

 

 

Some people just aren't the introspective or open with their emotions. It sounds like you have the great gift and curse of being super empathetic. With that being said, you can't use yourself as a baseline for another persons behavior. A person with your propensity for analyzing, sympathizing and empathizing with others is the exception to the rule. Remember, just because you have the power to change doesn't mean the rest of the world changes with you.

 

And the blame-shifting by making you feel needy and insecure is just away to protect his ego. You know in your heart that you did everything you could for this wounded bird, but you can't force him to fly.

Edited August 11, 2014 by HereNorThere

[PerfectStorm]

I don't think his ex was insecure or jealous or controlling. That's what he's accusing you of right now, correct? You also said he flirted with you while he was in another relationship, correct?

 

He sounds like a serial cheater, that manipulates until the woman he's with gather enough gumption to leave him but it's all good because he already has his next relationship all lined out.

[Zahara]

he is such a wonderful person with a great personality, hardworking, and very giving...but why was he so mad at me all the time and constantly wanting to leave when things got hard?

 

I think you're idealizing him. After everything that you've said in your most recent thread on this page, I have a hard time believing someone that's wonderful has the capacity to gaslight, control and manipulate like he does.

 

Every accusation towards his ex and you, is this man projecting who he is.

 

And what sort of person, witholds the truth, IF the truth (it wasn't for another woman) will save the relationship and secure his girlfriend's trust? Instead he drags it on because he 1) he's cheating 2) he uses it as a control tactic to keep you in an insecure and dependent state.

 

There is no "wonderful" in this man. If anything, that "wonderful" was all a farce to rope you in.

[yessy21]

im going to make this short and simple.

 

 

hes cheating on you.

 

 

he is trying to make you feel guilty.

 

 

that is all.

 

 

flowers? for who? exactly.

 

 

party? without you?

 

 

your supposed to be his best friend ... how are you not part of his friends circle?

 

 

if your having trouble with any of these questions, then you already have your answer.

[lovelylady35]

I know all of this in my heart and thank you all for being so real and honest with me because its sinking in more and more that the person I loved turned into such an a**hole. I keep going back to the good memories though and that's what I miss the most....and wondering how could someone see they had the world and a person who truly loves them and throw it away or not value it like they should? how did those of you who have gone through this stop blaming yourself and move forward?

[BetrayedH]

how did those of you who have gone through this stop blaming yourself and move forward?

 

As I mentioned earlier, it's a long process but it has a lot to do with allowing/forcing your mind to overrule your emotions.

 

I hate to oversimplify things but the way I see it, a lot of the reason we find ourselves in relationships is because it provides us with some external validation. When someone "loves" us, it makes it much easier to put away any thoughts of self-doubt or low self-esteem. Even confident people love the external validation they get in a romantic relationship. And then we're happy to give love in return. If the person is out of our league, we feel even more validated that we must really be somethin' if such a great catch loves me. It's all about how they make us feel about ourselves.

 

The problem with breakups is that the external validation is suddenly taken away. On top of that, we start in with the self-doubt, questioning if we were the cause of the breakup. It's quite a blow to the ego. Instead of validation, we're suddenly experiencing the opposite - rejection.

 

When it starts to become obvious that our partner is easily tossing us aside and is reinforcing the thought that we're to blame, the self-doubt worsens. Self-esteem and ego take yet another hit.

 

When cheating is involved, then we start doing comparisons and can't help but find ourselves coming up short because our partner must have found someone "better." Another blow to the ego. We don't match up.

 

When it's apparent that our partner's emotional connection has been gone for a long time, we start to wonder if they EVER really cared about us. Yep, another blow to the good ole self-esteem. Maybe he never really loved me (maybe all that confidence I had in myself as a result of the external validation was all just me fooling myself).

 

Even worse, we feel 'stupid' for not having seen it sooner and for having put up with poor treatment for so long. "I must be a real idiot."

 

You can start to see why breakups (especially ones involving cheating) can hurt so bad. We take it as a reflection of us.

 

So, my first piece of advice is for you to realize that going thru this has a predictable psychological pattern of being a huge blow to the ego. Be smart enough to recognize the pattern and don't allow it to snowball. It's a natural and predictable pattern to get caught up in self-blame. So take active steps to minimize all of this self-doubt. Don't feed it. Counteract the 'normal' emotional reaction by using your brain.

 

Secondly (and perhaps more importantly), you must realize that cheating and betrayal is a reflection of the cheater, not of the person being betrayed. If he was unhappy in his relationship, then his logical, ethical, respectful, moral, and healthy choices were to either (1) fix the relationship or (2) leave it. That's it. He lacked the courage to do either one. Instead, he made the illogical, unethical, immoral, disrespectful and destructive choice to be a cheater. That is 100% about something being broken within HIM. And if he doesn't fix what is broken, it's highly likely that he'll carry these traits into future relationships. Again, this isn't about you (even though it is natural to think it is). It is about him.

 

Third (and this relates back to that external validation concept), I think you weren't so much in love with 'him' as much as you were in love with (1) How he made you feel about yourself and (2) who you 'thought' he was. We naturally think that others think/feel/believe much as we do. You assumed that he was just as honest, trustworthy, loyal, caring, and invested as you were. It's normal to think that people think like us. You had an image in your mind about who you thought he was and then put him up on a pedestal. And if 'that' great man loves you, then you must really be something. That's very validating. Allowing yourself to think that he was something less (like accepting that he's a jerk) means that his validation wasn't really such a great thing.

 

He didn't belong on the pedestal. He's not a knight in shining armor; he's a jackass wrapped in tin foil. And that's about him, not about you. Another man will find himself lucky to have your attention. Don't get caught up in the natural cycle of self-blame. Just make sure the next guy is worthy of the validation he gets from you.

[jackslife]

You're not in love with the person he is, but the one you wanted him to be.

 

It matters not a jot how much you love or care about or adore someone, if they don't feel the same way there is nothing, nothing you can do. That's why love can be such a heart rending thing.

 

Read the NC guide on here - apart from good advice, it points out the horrible facts in being the one who loves and gives and the one who doesn't and takes.

 

You deserve better than this man.

[Sugar Magnolia]

He still denies it all...says I don't deserve to know the truth after I went off on him and how I felt. He know I'm hurt and says I'm only hurt because "I'm assuming" he was with someone else and he knows the truth and that's enough for him. He also told me how can I be with someone or marry them when they don't trust and are always looking for somethin(strange thing I walked in on him the night before as he was looking at engagement rings...intention or distraction from the events going on?). Of course we are over and he says he wants a mature woman not an insecure one who can't trust and asks too many questions. He also said that I told him he wasn't the one for me and I deserved better...funny he said that to be first and I finally just agrred with him. How do I get past this all and the constant blame he put on me for all of our problems? Why did I put him on such a pedestal and why am I the one to feel so much loss and guilt?

he's lying, he's cheating, ...that is for sure... intuition..... never , ever doubt it... if the flowers were no big deal, then he would have told you about it when u asked... he's a cake eater, run

[lovelylady35]

From everything I've described about him, why do you all think he was even with me? I don't understand why he decided to work things out with me after. Through each breakup only to go through this again. And why cheat or even begin to?

[anika99]

I just saw so much good in this man...he wasn't always like this with me and we had a lot of good memories and times. he helped me with a lot, taught me a lot, and was good to my friends and family. that's what is so hard for me...I see the good as well as the bad and I truly loved this person. I wonder did I turn him into this? did the things I do or how I acted make him this way? did me going back again and again and letting him make me feel like the one always at fault and my constant apologizing and trying to make things work make him take me for granted? I proved my love and appreciation over and over. I just wanted some of that back...to be seen and not to be tossed away for my flaws. my good outweighed the bad more than anything. why didn't he see what he had?

 

 

Okay for the last time: This is not a good man. The only reason you think he is so wonderful is because he has the gift of being charming and he used that charm to get you hooked and reel you in. Now that he feels like he has you, he's letting you see who he really is and the person he really is, is selfish, abusive, manipulative, self absorbed and likely unfaithful.

 

 

It is not your fault. You didn't turn him into this horrible man. He was always a creep but he hid it from you in the beginning so that he could get you to fall in love with him. If you were to talk to his ex I'm sure she would describe her relationship with him exactly as you are describing your relationship with him. She wasn't immature and controlling, he was, but he couldn't very well tell you that now could he? He had to make it look like he was the good guy and she was mistreating him. When he's trying to woo his next gf, he will describe you to the future victim exactly as he described his ex to you. It's his MO and it works.

 

 

Most likely he's at least somewhat personality disordered and he's someone who can't bear being single. He will not let you go for good until he has his next victim on his hook. That's why he would cheat instead of just properly breaking up with you first.

 

 

I know you love him and because of that you probably can't see the situation as clearly as the rest of us, but trust me, you will be so much better off without him. Living with someone who makes you stuff your feelings and walk on eggshells is soul destroying. Dump his sorry ass. It will hurt but you will walk away with your dignity and self respect intact, whereas if you wait for him to end the relationship (for real, not just one of his pretend break ups) he will do it in the cruelest way possible and you will feel robbed of your integrity. Please please ditch him. He is not worth the pain.

[lovelylady35]

I am just trying to make peace with everything. I don't want to be bitter or hate him or even feel sorry for myself. I just want to understand as much as possible. I don't see him as a monster or this horrible person, but being outside of the situation for a few weeks has opened up my eyes to a lot. I will miss him and value the relationship we had and my only regret is giving so much of myself to someone I thought deserved it. This has been a massive blow to my esteem and confidence but daily things are getting better and things are making more and more sense. Thanks everyone for your encouragement, honesty, and kind words.

[HereNorThere]

I am just trying to make peace with everything. I don't want to be bitter or hate him or even feel sorry for myself. I just want to understand as much as possible. I don't see him as a monster or this horrible person, but being outside of the situation for a few weeks has opened up my eyes to a lot. I will miss him and value the relationship we had and my only regret is giving so much of myself to someone I thought deserved it. This has been a massive blow to my esteem and confidence but daily things are getting better and things are making more and more sense. Thanks everyone for your encouragement, honesty, and kind words.

 

 

I've always had a hard time with this myself. When you hold yourself to a high standard, it's easy to be let down by people who don't care as much as you do. Be proud that you took the risk despite the fact that you trusted the wrong person. You're more aware now and that will make you more receptive to choosing a good person in the future. There are plenty people here who do not have the strength to move and do better for themselves. Be proud that you are not one of them.

[lovelylady35]

i forgot to mention in the very beginning he said he didnt believe in marriage, yet thought of it with me throughout our relationship. he also had relationships with older women, and women who were either married or in relationships. he also told me during one of our arguements the last month of our relationship "id rather hook up or find a hooker than deal with all of this arguing." he also said a few times he was scared to get into another relationship and wasnt sure he was ready for one at the beginning, but decided to give us a try. could it have been he was wanting something with me, but decided he couldnt deal with all that comes with a relationship and maybe thats why he was so impatient with me and my shortcomings?

[bentleychic]

Even if he isn't cheating, he's lying to you. Multiple times from what it sounds like. And it doesn't sound like your relationship is great to begin with. Is it worth hanging on to?

 

Best wishes.

[lovelylady35]

We aren't together anymore of course...I'm just back tracking and seeing signs that I may have missed that he possibly didn't want an actual relationship to begin with...not a serious or committed one. Like I said the fact he always had one foot in and one foot out, his coloful dating history, and all he said and did with me is just all coming together and what he was actually about.

[jackslife]

The thing is you can analyse and go over things and look for signs etc.. and there are hundreds of books written by psychiatrists and counsellors saying how men tick differently from women etc etc.

 

The bottom line is that some people are just sh*ts and sadly I think you got one of those. Try not to let it get you down or make you negative in the future regarding other relationships. You are out of it now and that can only be a good thing.

[lovelylady35]

This hasn't been easy for me to get over....its been 3 weeks and still mourning the loss and more upset with myself for not standing up for myself more in the relationship and being made to look like a fool of a woman. The things he has said to me that he wants a mature woman and that I was insecure and never happy is just still eating me alive and honestly I am still taking a lot of blame and feel guilty. I am depressed at this point and scared to death of moving forward because I don't know what to expect and the thought of relationships scares me now. I spent so much time with this person and gave sit o much and it just crushes me to my core I was taken for granted, tossed away, and now someone else is possibly getting his best.

[jackslife]

This man doesn't have a 'best', he will be a **** to every woman he goes out with. Treat yourself to a bit of IC, it does help. Otherwise the break up advice on this website is always worth a look and lots of lovely people on here to help you through it.

[BetrayedH]

This hasn't been easy for me to get over....its been 3 weeks and still mourning the loss and more upset with myself for not standing up for myself more in the relationship and being made to look like a fool of a woman. The things he has said to me that he wants a mature woman and that I was insecure and never happy is just still eating me alive and honestly I am still taking a lot of blame and feel guilty. I am depressed at this point and scared to death of moving forward because I don't know what to expect and the thought of relationships scares me now. I spent so much time with this person and gave sit o much and it just crushes me to my core I was taken for granted, tossed away, and now someone else is possibly getting his best.

 

Sounds like he was good at manipulating you. Some guys are truly skilled at getting an insecure woman hooked and then constantly feeding their self-doubt with guilt and blame. It makes the woman try even harder, which feeds his ego while he starves yours. It's an atrocious control and manipulation tactic and it's the exact opposite of love in my book.

 

The core problem here is that you're allowing others to define your self-worth. You need to be a strong, confident woman on your own that doesn't 'need' anyone. Once you are more confident and comfortable in your own skin, you'll actually be far more attractive to men and better yet, you'll be less likely to engage with guys that aren't healthy for you.

 

If you're following my drift at all, you'll see that the answer has nothing to do with him. He's a broken, manipulating cheater. The answer to your happiness lies within you. Quit thinking about him and just focus on getting yourself to a better place.

 

I really recommend you get into some individual counseling and start talking a lot about your self-esteem, self-image, self-pride, self-worth. I bet you actually deserve a lot more credit for who you are than what you're currently giving yourself. He did quite a number on you. But let's not focus on him. His game is that whoever cares the least, wins. But the only thing he's won is being a loser.

[lovelylady35]

I remember when I had my first insecure moment he said "please be that confident woman I know." What made me feel insecure was that I couldn't bring up any issues I had without him making a big deal of it, turning things around on me, or telling me constantly this wouldn't work. He always planted doubt in my mind. He was a genteman to me in a lot of ways and told me often I was beautiful, smart, and encouraged my goals and always wanted the best for me. But when he got upset with me that's when I saw a different side. He was not the most patient and was hard on me often like I was a child and I felt I couldn't really express myself or emotions and sometimes when I needed to talk it all came out at once and I would be emotional. I felt stifled often and like I couldn't feel free to say anything I needed to....like I was expected to be on my best behaviour. He couldn't deal with my flaws or my feelings and it made me feel very insecure sometimes and edgy.

[Sugar Magnolia]

That is exactly what my husband did when he was having an affair, deflecting, it sucks,,, go on you tube an watch body language videos, wonderfully enlightening,

[merrmeade]

I really recommend you get into some individual counseling and start talking a lot about your self-esteem, self-image, self-pride, self-worth. I bet you actually deserve a lot more credit for who you are than what you're currently giving yourself. He did quite a number on you. But let's not focus on him. His game is that whoever cares the least, wins. But the only thing he's won is being a loser.

 

Lot of support and advice coming at you, LL, from a lot of tough souls that have shared a lot about the worst and best in people and in relationships. It's a process you're just starting, a way of thinking and a world that's new to you. All the support and outrage they're expressing on your behalf includes a bit of frustration that they see it, have seen it before, and are trying to tell you how this man worked a number on you. It sounds like you are still trying to make sense within the construct that you and he created that was your relationship.

 

But I think BH is right about the individual counseling. There's a disconnect for me in your responses to some of the astute insights being shared about him and you as individuals and I would agree that work there - on you - would help you understand him in the long run and what was going on between you.

 

Good luck, my dear. You'll be all right. It's an opportunity to learn about who you are and what you want.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I remember when I had my first insecure moment he said "please be that confident woman I know." What made me feel insecure was that I couldn't bring up any issues I had without him making a big deal of it, turning things around on me, or telling me constantly this wouldn't work. He always planted doubt in my mind. He was a genteman to me in a lot of ways and told me often I was beautiful, smart, and encouraged my goals and always wanted the best for me. But when he got upset with me that's when I saw a different side. He was not the most patient and was hard on me often like I was a child and I felt I couldn't really express myself or emotions and sometimes when I needed to talk it all came out at once and I would be emotional. I felt stifled often and like I couldn't feel free to say anything I needed to....like I was expected to be on my best behaviour. He couldn't deal with my flaws or my feelings and it made me feel very insecure sometimes and edgy.

 

The fact is the relationship was never about you, it was about him. He is a self absorbed individual. The reason he does not believe in marriage, is because that takes commitment, and he is only committed to meeting his own needs. If that works for you fine, if not walk. Fortunately you found him out before you became even more invested in this relationship.

[Artie Lang]

this dude sounds like a grade-A D0UCHEBAG... seriously!

 

 

just imagine if you did, indeed, marry this *********. you don't just walk away, you run from idiots like this.