Husband 40 years older & ill, I'm going mad!

[Cloud794]

I'm curious about his estranged relationship with his children. What's that about?

 

I'm not really sure, but I can think of three possible reasons. For one thing, I think they're all more or less sociophobic. Then he was always away, working freelance all over the world, when they were growing up. I also think it's something to do with their partners. The son is married to a woman who is a judge and is one of the most inconsiderate people I have ever met, though she does seem to be kind to her husband. (He gave up any chance of a career to take care of their two adolescent children, who, under her influence, are now some of the most inconsiderate people I have ever met.) H's son, seems a very nice person, and I've always got on well with him, but he seems completely controlled by and terrified of his wife, and I know she can't stand me, nor my H. H said she'd always been like that to him. He gets on well with his son, but they never spend any time on their own. He sees him 2-3 times a year, but always with the children and/ or the wife.

 

He also has a daughter, who seems a bit of a lost soul, living very much in the shade of her over-powering life-long partner. She doesn't have a stable job, has extremely low self-esteem and is chronically depressed. They try to be nice to me and H, but every time we see them (again, 2-3 times a year), it's all a very awkward affair.

[Mascara]

UK. I've put that (back) in my profile now. Thank you.

 

I'm in the uk too. Have you tried contacting social services? They have programmes - social and support - for the elderly. Stuff that he can do without you. Then, for yourself, try some meetup.com groups. If you're near London, we can have coffee

[Zeurich]

C I am truly sorry that you have this situation! If I were you what I will do, well definitely I wont leave him for financial solutions, I will try to contact some NGO who help for people like this. And what I am thinking why did not you think about the age gap before you commit to a marriage? Regarding to my professions you can contact UN help in hand organization as an example. There you may get some support!

[Cloud794]

...

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply! Much appreciated.

 

I will definitely not leave him at the mercy of social services. I will not make any move unless he has all he needs and is in a comfortable home with a legally binding agreement that he will be able to live there as long as he wants.

[Cloud794]

I'm in the uk too. Have you tried contacting social services? They have programmes - social and support - for the elderly. Stuff that he can do without you. Then, for yourself, try some meetup.com groups. If you're near London, we can have coffee

 

I am not close to London, but I do travel there occasionally, so maybe one day we will be able to have coffee together.

 

He is very busy doing lots of things through U3A (University of the Third Age), plus other classes, workshops and social events.

 

I have only recently discovered meetup.com - interestingly, someone from London recommended it. So, yes, I am planning to make the best of it. Have been to a meet-up and have signed up for two more.

[Cloud794]

An update that some of you may find interesting:

 

My brain stalled completely, and for the past few days I have only just about managed to carry on. I said I would divorce next month because I had other things coming up. Well, that still wasn't enough to put my mind at rest and I grew more and more desperate.

 

So I did the only thing that could have gone some way towards giving me some peace of mind: I cancelled the other arrangements and I decided to start divorce proceedings as soon as possible. I have seen a solicitor and I am seeing another one next week. It is very likely that I will file for divorce next week.

 

I have spoken to my husband and I informed him of my decision (not thought/ possibility - decision). I explained everything to him calmly, with all the possible scenarios and implications. He was incredibly relaxed and amicable. I was really quite surprised (shocked?) to see how little it took him to move on to other conversation topics.

 

So at the moment it looks like I'll be able to get a quick and amicable divorce. Then we will find him a good place to live, that he is happy with, and I will help him as much as I can (including a monthly maintenance payment). I somehow doubt that it will be as easy as that, but we will see. It may well end up dragging on until next spring, but at least we'll be divorced by then. He will, of course, continue to live with me until we've found a good alternative for him.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Cloud, I wanted to respond to one point you made. You sai your H would rather die than go to one if those places (assisted living) we call it. My Grandmother said the same thing. She was active in her church groups and still had neighbors to visit with but her health was failing. My mom made the decision because her neighborhood was failing and becoming unsafe. Within weeks my grandmother's health had improved, she had a "job" as greeter in the cafe and before long had the sweetest boyfriend you've ever met! It was the hardest decision mom ever made but ended up being the best for my grandmother.

 

It might be nice if you could visit a few for lunch and help him meet some people. Just a thought!

[Cloud794]

Cloud, I wanted to respond to one point you made. You sai your H would rather die than go to one if those places (assisted living) we call it. My Grandmother said the same thing. She was active in her church groups and still had neighbors to visit with but her health was failing. My mom made the decision because her neighborhood was failing and becoming unsafe. Within weeks my grandmother's health had improved, she had a "job" as greeter in the cafe and before long had the sweetest boyfriend you've ever met! It was the hardest decision mom ever made but ended up being the best for my grandmother.

 

It might be nice if you could visit a few for lunch and help him meet some people. Just a thought!

 

This is very reassuring - thank you for taking the time to share. I'm sure it's the fear of change more than anything. But gradual change is a lot more acceptable. I also used to think I'd rather die than do something like this to anyone. We do sometimes end up doing horrible things - sometimes we have a choice, sometimes we don't. And sometimes, as you say, they end up not being that horrible at all.

 

Yes, I realise how important it is for him not to feel completely abandoned somewhere (despite having lots of people around).

[SummerDreams]

Cloud, I hope that the divorce and all the proceedings end peacefully soon. What I want to say to you though is that you have to continue therapy so you solve the issues you have with your family abuse before you get involved with another man. I feel like your friend now saying that you should stay single for quite some time, know and love yourself, make new friends, new hobbies, travel if you can. Learn to love yourself and then seek for companionship at another person. The decision to marry a man double (and more) your age shows that you have some unsolved issues. Work on them please! Hugs.

[Cloud794]

What I want to say to you though is that you have to continue therapy so you solve the issues you have with your family abuse before you get involved with another man. I feel like your friend now saying that you should stay single for quite some time, know and love yourself, make new friends, new hobbies, travel if you can. Learn to love yourself and then seek for companionship at another person. The decision to marry a man double (and more) your age shows that you have some unsolved issues. Work on them please! Hugs.

 

Well, this is painful. I have no disposable income and a lot of debt I need to pay off on my own now. The only way I can afford to support H financially is if I give up the therapy. This is a very hard decision, because I know what you are saying makes a lot of sense. It will just have to be part of the price I need to pay for the mistake I made getting married under the circumstances.

[TAV]

It takes a lot of courage to come to such a decision, no matter how bad the marriage is, I know that from experience. So well done, Cloud, very proud of you.

 

You saw already life will not be smooth sailing from here but you will feel strong (and no longer depressed) having taken back control of your life and no matter what comes your way now, nothing can take away that great prize that your freedom is.

 

Congratulations!

[SummerDreams]

Well, this is painful. I have no disposable income and a lot of debt I need to pay off on my own now. The only way I can afford to support H financially is if I give up the therapy. This is a very hard decision, because I know what you are saying makes a lot of sense. It will just have to be part of the price I need to pay for the mistake I made getting married under the circumstances.

 

Honey I really don't think you have the obligation to support your ex husband financially! He is old enough, he ought to have taken care of his retirement and ageing period. He has two kids, you shouldn't stop your life (part of which you've already lost by his selfish behavior to keep you as a "prisoner") in order to support him. Do not stop therapy. Do NOT. I think I"ll just take the next plane and slap you until you come to your senses! (moderators, I'm just trying to wake her up, do not send me warnings please ).

[Cloud794]

It takes a lot of courage to come to such a decision, no matter how bad the marriage is, I know that from experience. So well done, Cloud, very proud of you.

 

You saw already life will not be smooth sailing from here but you will feel strong (and no longer depressed) having taken back control of your life and no matter what comes your way now, nothing can take away that great prize that your freedom is.

 

Congratulations!

 

You are very kind. Thank you for all your support and encouragement! It sounds cheesy, but I really do think I wouldn't have done it without your help - yours and everybody else's who has responded. I am very confident this was the right decision at this stage. We'll have to see about the rest, sigh...

[Cloud794]

Honey I really don't think you have the obligation to support your ex husband financially! He is old enough, he ought to have taken care of his retirement and ageing period. He has two kids, you shouldn't stop your life (part of which you've already lost by his selfish behavior to keep you as a "prisoner") in order to support him. Do not stop therapy. Do NOT. I think I"ll just take the next plane and slap you until you come to your senses! (moderators, I'm just trying to wake her up, do not send me warnings please ).

 

This is hard. Very hard. Possibly the hardest choice I've had to make yet, because it's clear and straightforward: the same amount of money will go either to him or to me. Ironically, I'd need the therapy in order to be strong enough and decide to keep the money I need for the therapy. (To get to the stage where I can be comfortable doing something for myself in a way that right now feels incredibly selfish and completely unacceptable.)

 

You are certainly making me doubt this decision, and that is because I know very well I am vulnerable and not healed yet (as much as I'll ever be). I am seeing the therapist on Thursday for what I thought would be the last session, before she goes on holiday for three weeks. I'll discuss this with her and see if she thinks I can handle things on my own from now on.

 

Thank you for your sage advice. I know you are right.

[Cloud794]

I have spoken to my husband and I informed him of my decision (not thought/ possibility - decision). I explained everything to him calmly, with all the possible scenarios and implications. He was incredibly relaxed and amicable. I was really quite surprised (shocked?) to see how little it took him to move on to other conversation topics.

 

Ha! Quick update on how he's explained his reaction, which I'd found really surprising: "It's better to be relaxed and friendly than be difficult and lose absolutely everything". I think that's interesting.

[SummerDreams]

This is hard. Very hard. Possibly the hardest choice I've had to make yet, because it's clear and straightforward: the same amount of money will go either to him or to me. Ironically, I'd need the therapy in order to be strong enough and decide to keep the money I need for the therapy. (To get to the stage where I can be comfortable doing something for myself in a way that right now feels incredibly selfish and completely unacceptable.)

 

You are certainly making me doubt this decision, and that is because I know very well I am vulnerable and not healed yet (as much as I'll ever be). I am seeing the therapist on Thursday for what I thought would be the last session, before she goes on holiday for three weeks. I'll discuss this with her and see if she thinks I can handle things on my own from now on.

 

Thank you for your sage advice. I know you are right.

 

If YOU don't do anything for yourself, nobody will. What are you waiting for? Life doesn't come back! YOur best years are passing by and you are prisoned in a cell with an old man, to whom you feel obligated. YOu are not. He was selfish for keeping you prisoned. Let yourself free and open your wings. I assure you that in 5 years, when your life is better and you have a great man and maybe a baby in your hands, you will remember this like a bad dream and you'll thank God for making this "selfish" decision. I'm sorry for my bad english at the moment but it's late here, i'm sleepy and I'm upset for your stupidity. Pardon my words, I just care for you (through internet, yes, it can happen.)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, this is painful. I have no disposable income and a lot of debt I need to pay off on my own now. The only way I can afford to support H financially is if I give up the therapy. This is a very hard decision, because I know what you are saying makes a lot of sense. It will just have to be part of the price I need to pay for the mistake I made getting married under the circumstances.

 

Concentrate on healing yourself first. Look for girlfriends. It might take some trial and error, but beyond all else, true blue, there for you, girlfriends are worth their weight in gold. It doesn't sound like you've had the opportunity to cultivate those friendships. Make that a priority in your life and it will serve you well. One thing I know for sure, is that when I'm bogged down in my own trouble so deep I can't breath, being there for someone else puts priorities in order and helps me not to obsess over my own problems. Looks for a group of girlfriends before you venture to anything else! Good luck to you!

[Cloud794]

I assure you that in 5 years, when your life is better and you have a great man and maybe a baby in your hands, you will remember this like a bad dream and you'll thank God for making this "selfish" decision. I'm sorry for my bad english at the moment but it's late here, i'm sleepy and I'm upset for your stupidity. Pardon my words, I just care for you (through internet, yes, it can happen.)

 

Yes, I'm sure you are right. I know that happened in my previous relationship, which lasted for 10 years only because I felt I had to carry on and wait until the guy finally felt ready to get married. I felt so ashamed of everyone in the little town I lived in then, that I felt I just had to carry on until we could get married, there was no way out for me. Now I realise just how stupid that was, and how easy to get out and move on. (It did help a lot that the guy started a relationship with another woman 6 years into our relationship, but still wouldn't let me go and took me 4 more years to make the break. Then he kept pestering me when I did...)

 

I am very grateful for your kind support, and that you care so much for someone (and even someone you've never met!). Thank you!

[Cloud794]

Concentrate on healing yourself first. Look for girlfriends. It might take some trial and error, but beyond all else, true blue, there for you, girlfriends are worth their weight in gold. It doesn't sound like you've had the opportunity to cultivate those friendships. Make that a priority in your life and it will serve you well. One thing I know for sure, is that when I'm bogged down in my own trouble so deep I can't breath, being there for someone else puts priorities in order and helps me not to obsess over my own problems. Looks for a group of girlfriends before you venture to anything else! Good luck to you!

 

Yes, you are right. I crave such friendships and they do indeed help a lot. I am lucky to have a few really nice colleagues that I've gone out with a few times and I feel they are good friends. I just need to make connections outside work too, so I don't always talk about work.

 

My work also helps a lot (when I am my normal self!), despite being very stressful in many ways. I work with lots of people, and I am often able to help them in ways that - they tell me - makes all the difference, and some have told me I've made all the difference to their lives. It's sad that knowing this doesn't mean much when I'm in a state where my life feels completely meaningless, but interacting with people does help. Like you say, when I interact with someone who's struggling and I am a position to help, all my difficulties pale into insignificance. I have gone over many difficult times by forgetting my problems and concentrating on someone else's.

 

Thank you for your kind words!