Separated: My husband's exhausted

[Noluck]

Wow I just read this thread. Is this all because of a lack of sex? Is that the lack of effort? It seems excessive especially if you told him about the abuse. My Relationship sounds similar. I think sometimes people reach a breaking point.

[Madlove]

Noluck, no, it's not just about lack of sex but lack of appreciation. He feels he made made most of the effort...making me comfortable in the relationship and feels I have not appreciated him. His words "I've put in 100% of the effort. I've done xyz and I feel I don't get anything back. I can agree with him to a point. Could I have done more? Looking back now...yes. Was I aware I wasn't doing enough? No. I was holding myself back...it wasn't until therapy that I realized how much my past had effected our relationship.

 

Yasaundio, i decided to follow your advice and step back. I'm tired of trying...it's been 4 months of trying (the last 6 weeks while he has been living in a hotel). I'm done. I haven't contacted him in more than a week and I won't. Unfortunately, in the time I've stopped reaching out, I've been growing angry with him. I feel like he abandoned me. It doesn't matter how angry or how important this exam is to him...he should've been a little more sensitive to our issues. In any case, I've been doing IC, however we have a MC appointment on Monday. I really don't want to go and thinking of skipping it. I don't want to see him.

[beach]

If you expect him to work at the M at all - you're going to have to wait until after October when his test is finished.

 

In the mean time work on yourself an getting through the hard part of what the counselor is trying to help you with.

 

Also, it may be useful to work a LOT. Even two jobs if necessary in order to keep your mind busy and so that you're so tired you don't have time to think about what he is or isn't doing.

 

In other words - distract yourself by staying crazy busy until after his test is done.

[anika99]

OP I'm sorry but I don't like your husband either. According to your first post you have been married for only 8 months but your husband has felt unappreciated for your entire relationship of over 3 yrs. Well then why the hell did he marry you if that's how he felt? How were you to know how deeply unhappy he was when he continued on in the relationship and even married you? He needs to accept his own decisions and take responsibility for his own damn choices. I'm sorry but if someone married me and then just a few months later stated that they were always unhappy with me I would have a hard time feeling much sympathy for him. He's an adult and nobody made him marry you. When someone wants to marry you it's reasonable to assume that person accepts you as you are, or they wouldn't be getting freaking married to you.

 

 

Now all that being said, I think all of your chasing him and trying to get him to spend time with you is not getting you anywhere. I would tell him that you love him and you would love to spend time with him but since he has asked for time to focus on his studies you are going to give him his space to do that. Tell him you will be available and more than happy to see him as soon as he is ready, then go about focusing on your own healing and well being. He may have given you the impression that you should be chasing him and initiating everything but I have a feeling that at this time your actions are turning him off. Once you back off and start focusing on yourself he may begin to miss you and become intrigued by you again.

 

 

You cannot live in limbo forever and if he doesn't show any willingness to let go of his grudge in the near future then perhaps it will be in everyone's best interest to end the marriage.

[Noluck]

Oh so if you don't mind me asking what was it that made him say this now after all this time? I can understand a little. my ex fiancé spent so much time ignoring me I grew resentful. I did everything for him and he always want more from me. .

[Madlove]

Oh so if you don't mind me asking what was it that made him say this now after all this time? I can understand a little. my ex fiancé spent so much time ignoring me I grew resentful. I did everything for him and he always want more from me. .

 

It all started in a conversation about finances back in May. Before we got married we agreed to split everything in half. However, Between us getting a dog (which he wanted), the wedding, and other things I was taking the financial hit. The truth was he wasn't paying enough of his share. So when we revisited the topic he suggested we have a joint account for just our bills and split the balance in half, I disagreed because our situation was different now. He was making more than twice as much as me and I felt if we created a joint account solely for bills then it should be split proportionately based on income AND we should open a joint savings account OR if that was too much should we just put all our income into one account. He didn't understand why we needed a joint savings when he already has 2 savings accounts for big purchases, so if we ever decided to buy a house we were fine. I said to him it was HiS money and we should save together. He couldn't understand that concept. The argument grew into how it hurt me he still wanted to keep everything separate and him feeling like I don't appreciate the fact that if I ever needed money I could come to him. The reality is I would never NEED money. I bring in a very nice income.

 

So after the finance conversation, he said he saw me without the rose colored glasses. I guess it was then that he realized he couldn't take it anymore.

 

Anika, I agree with everything you wrote. I'm at a place where I'm not sure I want to be married to him. It hurts because it means admitting we made a mistake getting married.