She wants to get back together after rebound....

[Bluesandy]

he speaks the truth.

Unfortunately yes.... happened to me, in the Universty as well... I was with a girl, hot steamy relationship and sex, then she decided to cross the fence and she BU with me... for two months I was destroyed, then I crawled to get her back, and she finally came back because things didn't work as she thought with the other guy. Then we were together for another fantastic year, I forgot about everything then bang... she left me for antoher guy. Then I flew away in another town for NC and disappeared for 4 years. Then, she called me after 4 years, telling me how she missed me, it was over with the other guy, he was a jerk bla bla bla.. But I was with another girl and in love.. I crossed the fense, slept with her again but the fire wasn't there anymore... And believe it of not, it was 25 years ago, and since, she kept trying to come back with me... she remarried, I married the other girl, and she divorced 3 years ago, as I did myself last year... Still after my back.. By strangely, I don't want to be with her anymore... 30 years ago, I would have killed to see this situation happened....

So my advice... I know it is hard, but runnnnnnnnnnn if you don't want to lose the next years... because she WILL go away......

And in some case, NC woks, proof, I did it... but she is the one who lost it....... I was the winner... ;-) Just believe in you......

Edited November 21, 2014 by Bluesandy

[EmbeddedCortex]

Unfortunately yes.... happened to me, in the Universty as well... I was with a girl, hot steamy relationship and sex, then she decided to cross the fence and she BU with me... for two months I was destroyed, then I crawled to get her back, and she finally came back because things didn't work as she thought with the other guy. Then we were together for another fantastic year, I forgot about everything then bang... she left me for antoher guy. Then I flew away in another town for NC and disappeared for 4 years. Then, she called me after 4 years, telling me how she missed me, it was over with the other guy, he was a jerk bla bla bla.. But I was with another girl and in love.. I crossed the fense, slept with her again but the fire wasn't there anymore... And believe it of not, it was 25 years ago, and since, she kept trying to come back with me... she remarried, I married the other girl, and she divorced 3 years ago, as I did myself last year... Still after my back.. By strangely, I don't want to be with her anymore... 30 years ago, I would have killed to see this situation happened....

So my advice... I know it is hard, but runnnnnnnnnnn if you don't want to lose the next years... because she WILL go away......

And in some case, NC woks, proof, I did it... but she is the one who lost it....... I was the winner... ;-) Just believe in you......

 

I'm going to be honest with you, your story is pretty crazy! lol How long did the original relationship last?

 

At least when she came back it was for a year!

Edited November 22, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Art Vandalay]

i have experienced something very similar myself. i initially went out with this girl for a year, everything was great, but once she started college BAM she dumped me right away. (She was very attractive and could get just about anyone she wanted) She thought that all the attention being showered upon her was signs of better things to come. We didnt talk much for the next three months until suddenly she says that she needs to see me. We meet up and she is in shambles, since our break up she was with three other guys, two of them "complete *******s" and the third, "just wasn't the same." She begged for forgiveness and i gave it to her, she was my first love after all, and i was crazy about her, despite what she did.

 

After that we were together again for 9 happy months, but i moved back home and things became too inconvenient to carry on. i will say this, those 9 moths after we got back together were some of the best months of my life. But it wasn't easy to forgive, and even harder to trust her. For the first 4 months or so no matter how much i wanted to forgive, that resentment lingered.

 

it really comes down to how much you trust her, and what type of woman you believe her to be.

[EmbeddedCortex]

i have experienced something very similar myself. i initially went out with this girl for a year, everything was great, but once she started college BAM she dumped me right away. (She was very attractive and could get just about anyone she wanted) She thought that all the attention being showered upon her was signs of better things to come. We didnt talk much for the next three months until suddenly she says that she needs to see me. We meet up and she is in shambles, since our break up she was with three other guys, two of them "complete *******s" and the third, "just wasn't the same." She begged for forgiveness and i gave it to her, she was my first love after all, and i was crazy about her, despite what she did.

 

After that we were together again for 9 happy months, but i moved back home and things became too inconvenient to carry on. i will say this, those 9 moths after we got back together were some of the best months of my life. But it wasn't easy to forgive, and even harder to trust her. For the first 4 months or so no matter how much i wanted to forgive, that resentment lingered.

 

it really comes down to how much you trust her, and what type of woman you believe her to be.

 

I don't know if you read my whole thread, but I did take her back in late August. Things felt great for the next two months and by the end of October I felt like things were going to be great.

 

Then BAM! she dumped me 2 days after Halloween, because she said she met some cool fun people at a Rave and how she was so unhappy with me and I made her miserable and all that. I cannot make any sense of it, because she's the one who came back, and asked for love and forgiveness.

 

As soon as I gave it to her in 2 months, she did the same thing and left, probably with someone new. I honestly love her a lot, and it hurts so much that she did it to me twice in a few months time. As soon as I trusted her again and opened my heart, she drove the knife deep back in. Very cruel.

[MrWhite]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

 

You can forgive...... once.

I assume it is completely over forever. Correct?

[EmbeddedCortex]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

 

You can forgive...... once.

I assume it is completely over forever. Correct?

 

Honestly I have no idea how to feel. Maybe I'm still in shock or something, because I have no idea how someone can do something like this.

 

Why come back, say she realize she was really in love with me, make all these promises, play with my feelings, then leave 2 months later and act like we had set a deadline or something. What happened to the "love"?

 

Maybe if it was 6 months, 9 months, a year later....then maybe I would understand. But 2 months, out of the blue?! After all those promises of "however long it takes" to fix things?

 

I feel like she met someone and tossed me a day later without much thought. She even told me how apparently I didn't make it clear we were together, so she wouldn't tell anyone she had a boyfriend, while I was telling everyone she and I were back together.

 

I've forgiven so much, and I've never even done anything bad to her for her to ever have to forgive, but somehow it's all my fault for being inadequate again?

 

This time it's a different type of hurt than last time.

Edited November 22, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[idoltree]

I've forgiven so much, and I've never even done anything bad to her for her to ever have to forgive, but somehow it's all my fault for being inadequate again?

 

Only if she's a reliable source when it comes to determining reality.

[EmbeddedCortex]

Today I was thinking maybe she dumped me because she cheated on me or had found someone else to replace me with. I got really sad, thinking how heartless of an act that would be considering how much trust I put into her by giving her a second chance. And considering how much effort I was putting into fixing everything she had mostly broken, and how I was so optimistic near the end that I was planning so many things for us.

 

I don't know for sure of course, because I stopped talking to her a week ago. I didn't push far enough to find out this time. I guess because I figured the truth might me too much for me to handle a second time. Who knows...

Edited November 24, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[blackcat777]

In the long run, you really will be better off without someone like that in your life.

 

I'm so sorry this happened. I've followed your story since I've been here.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I really don't like how I acted the last 2 weeks before going NC though. I basically chased after her, and she gave me hope by discussing things with me, but in reality I was taking all the blame to please her somehow.

 

In reality, it was her way of making herself feel better by placing the blame on me as I kept accepting more and more of it, even though I've never done anything bad to her like she's done to me.

 

It sucks. The last texts I sent her were me saying how sorry I was if I mistreated her (Ha!!!!) and a list of all the things I love about her. I was planning with her on taking her out to dinner and actually talk to her in person. She never responded to any of that. Makes me very sad to think about it.

 

In this same thread I mentioned how she told me when she came back that she had made the biggest mistake of her life by leaving me....how funny.

 

I miss her and how she made me feel just a few days before leaving me again. Sigh.

Edited November 24, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[idoltree]

I miss her and how she made me feel just a few days before leaving me again. Sigh.

 

Bro, she didn't make you feel anything. You felt that way and you're attributing it to her. Take your power back from her, already.

 

I want you to read this, but not from the perspective of getting her back (she's bad for your emotional health). I want you to pay attention to the part about you creating your own feelings.

 

Listen, I went through a bad breakup around four months ago. It was sudden and I felt like I was dying and would never find someone else. Lo and behold, I've met an absolutely adorable guy on Saturday and our chemistry is off the charts. We're going to see one another again and are exchanging cute texts in the meantime. No matter what happens with him, I'm just so excited to be attracted to someone again because I honestly doubted that I could.

 

This can (and will!) happen for you, too. I just want to make sure that you've done the work on yourself so that lucky woman is a healthy choice for you. Maybe you're not posting about the work you're doing on yourself; you still seem pretty centralized on your ex. But that could just be what you're choosing to post about so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Edited November 24, 2014 by idoltree

[Itspointless]

I've met an absolutely adorable guy on Saturday and our chemistry is off the charts.

Some of us actually have to be careful when we are overwhelmed by chemistry.

 

EmbeddedCortex it is hard now, but you have to feel through this. There are things in life we are never prepared for. Think of it this way, you acted the way that was at that moment realistic for you. With the knowledge you have now you would act different, but you cannot blame your historical self for the knowledge you posses now. Be proud of the person you were and try to become an even stronger person. We have to work in ourselves for that. Remember we all do it in different time-frames as we are all a unique bundle of traits, lived experiences and accustomed patterns.

[EmbeddedCortex]

Bro, she didn't make you feel anything. You felt that way and you're attributing it to her. Take your power back from her, already.

 

I want you to read this, but not from the perspective of getting her back (she's bad for your emotional health). I want you to pay attention to the part about you creating your own feelings.

 

Listen, I went through a bad breakup around four months ago. It was sudden and I felt like I was dying and would never find someone else. Lo and behold, I've met an absolutely adorable guy on Saturday and our chemistry is off the charts. We're going to see one another again and are exchanging cute texts in the meantime. No matter what happens with him, I'm just so excited to be attracted to someone again because I honestly doubted that I could.

 

This can (and will!) happen for you, too. I just want to make sure that you've done the work on yourself so that lucky woman is a healthy choice for you. Maybe you're not posting about the work you're doing on yourself; you still seem pretty centralized on your ex. But that could just be what you're choosing to post about so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

Thanks for the link, definitely a good read and encouraging even for simple self improvement. I do have a positive outlook and have certainly been working myself, but it's just hard to get through the days sometimes.

 

When I refer to the way she made me feel, I mean to returning the "love" and "affection" that I was giving her. It's nice when the person that you love also loves you and shows it to you. But it hurts like hell, when they turn against you all of the sudden and hurt you (again) the worst way possible. It's soul shattering.

 

However, I will admit, she never showed me the same unconditional love that I tried to show her and certainly felt for her. Why else would she put me down for my quirks and small physical and behavioral imperfections, when she herself has plenty of them.

 

It's the unconditional love that has made me never break up with her, even though she's done it a million times. I never even threatened it, though she did it plenty with me. And I never made fun of her or put her down for any physical or behavioral quirks that were simply a part of her whole person.

 

A lot of times, especially during the last two breakups, she's made fun of me for simple thing such as my minor OCD, or how I lock my car twice, etc.

 

EmbeddedCortex it is hard now, but you have to feel through this. There are things in life we are never prepared for. Think of it this way, you acted the way that was at that moment realistic for you. With the knowledge you have now you would act different, but you cannot blame your historical self for the knowledge you posses now. Be proud of the person you were and try to become an even stronger person. We have to work in ourselves for that. Remember we all do it in different time-frames as we are all a unique bundle of traits, lived experiences and accustomed patterns.

 

Thank you, and yes I know. I'm a person with a positive outlook on things. Heck, even with our "reconcilliation" I had a positive outlook, even though I was the one that was hurt the most, until the sudden breakup again.

 

I post on this forum to vent my emotions and feelings, share my experiences, and also to get some comfort and perspective and it certainly helps.

Edited November 25, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Unfortunately yes.... happened to me, in the Universty as well... I was with a girl, hot steamy relationship and sex, then she decided to cross the fence and she BU with me... for two months I was destroyed, then I crawled to get her back, and she finally came back because things didn't work as she thought with the other guy. Then we were together for another fantastic year, I forgot about everything then bang... she left me for antoher guy. Then I flew away in another town for NC and disappeared for 4 years. Then, she called me after 4 years, telling me how she missed me, it was over with the other guy, he was a jerk bla bla bla.. But I was with another girl and in love.. I crossed the fense, slept with her again but the fire wasn't there anymore... And believe it of not, it was 25 years ago, and since, she kept trying to come back with me... she remarried, I married the other girl, and she divorced 3 years ago, as I did myself last year... Still after my back.. By strangely, I don't want to be with her anymore... 30 years ago, I would have killed to see this situation happened....

So my advice... I know it is hard, but runnnnnnnnnnn if you don't want to lose the next years... because she WILL go away......

And in some case, NC woks, proof, I did it... but she is the one who lost it....... I was the winner... ;-) Just believe in you......

 

 

 

 

ugh, see how long the loop can last??

 

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick::

 

 

 

 

glad you have moved on!

Edited November 25, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[BC1980]

Today I was thinking maybe she dumped me because she cheated on me or had found someone else to replace me with. I got really sad, thinking how heartless of an act that would be considering how much trust I put into her by giving her a second chance. And considering how much effort I was putting into fixing everything she had mostly broken, and how I was so optimistic near the end that I was planning so many things for us.

 

I don't know for sure of course, because I stopped talking to her a week ago. I didn't push far enough to find out this time. I guess because I figured the truth might me too much for me to handle a second time. Who knows...

 

You honestly can't insert logic into these situations. I was jerked around for 3 years by my ex who has strong NPD traits. The only thing you can do is to walk away and try to save what sanity you have left. These people do not think or feel emotion the way a normal person would, so you can't even hold them to the same standard. They would be completely baffled by how a healthy person acts (or at least a person what is attempting to be healthy, not saying I am perfect by any means). In other words, it's a no-go as far as a mutually fulfilling relationship with this type of person. Don't try to reason it out or make sense of it. I would still be trying to figure out the puzzle 1.5 years later if I hadn't decided to simply walk away and not look back.

 

I understand how hard it is to let go because these people are also master manipulators. My ex had me and everyone else (except my sister) under his spell. They do a lot of the "right" things, and they even appear to do the "right" things in public. However, when you look deeper, you will see that they are usually mimicking how they have observed someone else to act. I did have some really good times with my ex, as I'm sure you did. He provided for me in a lot of ways that I appreciated (thought I'm not sure how sincere it was), but he certainly rarely provided me with emotional security. Something I learned was that you must take the relationship as a whole. You can't give the good parts more weight than the fundamentally awful actions by your ex. I had a very hard time with that concept, and I stayed attached much longer because I refused to weigh the terrible things with the good.

[EmbeddedCortex]

You honestly can't insert logic into these situations. I was jerked around for 3 years by my ex who has strong NPD traits. The only thing you can do is to walk away and try to save what sanity you have left. These people do not think or feel emotion the way a normal person would, so you can't even hold them to the same standard. They would be completely baffled by how a healthy person acts (or at least a person what is attempting to be healthy, not saying I am perfect by any means). In other words, it's a no-go as far as a mutually fulfilling relationship with this type of person. Don't try to reason it out or make sense of it. I would still be trying to figure out the puzzle 1.5 years later if I hadn't decided to simply walk away and not look back.

 

I understand how hard it is to let go because these people are also master manipulators. My ex had me and everyone else (except my sister) under his spell. They do a lot of the "right" things, and they even appear to do the "right" things in public. However, when you look deeper, you will see that they are usually mimicking how they have observed someone else to act. I did have some really good times with my ex, as I'm sure you did. He provided for me in a lot of ways that I appreciated (thought I'm not sure how sincere it was), but he certainly rarely provided me with emotional security. Something I learned was that you must take the relationship as a whole. You can't give the good parts more weight than the fundamentally awful actions by your ex. I had a very hard time with that concept, and I stayed attached much longer because I refused to weigh the terrible things with the good.

 

I certainly agree to the extent that the more I think about it, the more confused I get about the whole damn relationship.

 

As much as she liked to state otherwise, I have never made false promises to her or anything, while she's done a lot of it to me, this being the lastest and worst one.

 

But then again, she often rewrites history, or selectively only remembers things that benefit her point of view and paint me black.

 

More importantly, I was extremely and expressively open and clear with her when she came back, regarding all the work and challenges we had to face.

 

She agreed and I started busting my ass working on solving our issues on my end. For her parts she was mostly nice to me, for a few weeks, then got comfortable again, and in the end just dumped me.

 

Her main reasoning was that "it's a giant mess" and so basically she doesn't want to deal with helping to fix what she broke.

 

The whole problem here is my emotional investment. If she wanted to quit or felt like things were hopeless or too difficult, why not talk to me first? Why just get up and leave, unless she was waiting for a replacement to come along the whole time?

 

So as you just said, it doesn't make sense at all the more I try to figure it out.

 

The only thing that's real at this point is my re-broken heart.

[Thegreatestthing]

She's just flighty and doesn't know what she wants,all human beings are deeply variegated and multifaceted and I wish we'd stop trying to put people in some fixed common range.

 

She clearly wasn't sure how she felt about you that's why she went off with tinder guy,that should have been it for you bye bye,but of course this is impossible to do...love and reason lie not together.

 

peoples feelings fluctuate all the time so she will likely feel something else again in two weeks time,thinking peoples feelings can stay the same all the time is the real absurdity,but there's proof enough that some people can stay fixed.

 

Find a girl who won't change her mind about you and won't willingly hurt you,who has some moral core, or buy a toaster,those come with guarentees.

 

Really sorry you're going through this,heart smashed twice in a row,I would stay very far away.

 

I would like to agree with you if she hadn't come back after what occurred.

Also, keep in mind, I believe we are both extremely sexually attracted to each other. We both agree we are extremely sexually compatible. She even said how great I am in bed when she told me she wanted to break up again. Up until 2 weeks ago she wanted my babies, lol. She said maybe she came back just because of the sexual compatibility.

 

If you have read my past threads, you will see, that for the last 1 year, she kept breaking up with me over every little thing, and I'd talk to her to fix things over a few days. Until May, when she apparently decided to end things "For good".

 

It was in May-June when things got very nasty, because I kept trying to get her to stay and she wanted to leave for good. So in the end, she had sex with someone else off of Tinder (because she wanted attention apparently) and that's when I stopped contacting her and pursuing her. She continued this relationship for 6-8 weeks, while I was suffering through the emotional trauma.

 

Keep in mind that in May-June, she kept saying she doesn't love me anymore, I'm too awkward, I make her angry and miserable, and she's so much happier being single, and how the new relationship makes her content and all that.

 

Then she started contacting me after 3 weeks, and when I talked to her she merely rubbed the new relationship in my face, but said she missed me. Then she started texting me every few days, until she said she has always been in love with me and still is.

 

So then we start this whole new thing, where I tell her ok, I'll give her a chance to fix things and we'll both work on it, but that I'm pretty hurt and it might take a long time. She says ok, she just wants me to be happy and will do anything for however long it takes. She was very apologetic.

 

So in the past 2 months we were both working on things, although I noticed her starting to "regret" coming back, meaning she didn't want to put in the work to fix things. She basically wanted to pretend like what she did during the summer didn't happen.

 

However, she was extremely loving and caring, and kept telling me to not leave her. She emphasized love love love from the moment she came back until 2 weeks ago when she left again.

 

Then as soon as I feel like we're getting back to normal, she goes to this rave, and breaks up with me because I basically didn't go with her. But then she starts saying the same stuff as before, how she doesn't love me anymore, how I'm awkward and boring, she's disinterested, I don't treat her like a girlfriend enough, how I don't give her what she wants, how I'll never change, etc. Same stuff, basically everything is my fault again.

 

The way I see it, is that she used me. She came back when she wanted forgiveness, love, affection, attention, and comfort. When I gave her all of that, she again turned around, blamed me, and left me again. At some point she even told me how she never told anyone her age she had a boyfriend! I feel that she used me until she found a replacement. I don't know if she's dating someone new already, but I feel like that's the case, though I'm not interested to find out since it won't help me mentally. She simply told me that she met some "cool people" at this rave and saw these couples having fun, and thought to herself how she wanted to do these things with someone she loved, but not me.

 

I feel really used and stupid because I actually lover her, but I guess she never really loved me, I didn't expect her to start hating me again and getting angry and pushing me away and dumping me again so fast.

 

Maybe she has commitment issues. She wants to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, and doesn't want to commit to one person. She said how she has never been single, although she said the same thing last time too.

 

Also, she keeps saying that all her previous relationships ended with her feeling the same way, but I'm the only one that is being tortured like this. She says even her past BF thinks she's crazy and bipolar.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I agree that people's feelings and emotions fluctuate and change, however, if you have a moral core and actually love someone, no matter how angry or upset you get at them sometimes, you don't treat them the way she has treated me the past few months.

 

Keep in mind I have never, ever done anything even remotely like this to her and I would never do it to anyone! Not to mention all her emotional abuse toward me. So I'm not sure how she justifies treating me like this in her mind.

[No Limit]

So I'm not sure how she justifies treating me like this in her mind.

 

There are people on earth justifying much worse stuff like mass murdering. You'll never find out what's going on in the minds of these people, and frankly I believe you don't even want to know (although it might make for a few good cynical jokes for more rationally-minded folk).

 

In the end you have the choice to keep people like her around. You don't have to be a "bad" person to establish boundaries and stick to them.

[idoltree]

I agree that people's feelings and emotions fluctuate and change, however, if you have a moral core and actually love someone, no matter how angry or upset you get at them sometimes, you don't treat them the way she has treated me the past few months.

 

Keep in mind I have never, ever done anything even remotely like this to her and I would never do it to anyone! Not to mention all her emotional abuse toward me. So I'm not sure how she justifies treating me like this in her mind.

 

EC, I don't know what to tell you. You keep wanting to make sense of this by looking to her as if she were rational and thought like you.

 

She doesn't think like you. She's not rational; she acts on whatever emotions she feels at the time and bends reality to fit those emotions. Logically, you know this about her. Emotionally, you are avoiding it like hell.

 

What is it that keeps you drowning in this alternate reality? Hope that the "her" that you want her to be will emerge from this mess? She was never "her" and she'll never be "her." She can't. It was all a self-created illusion.

 

You need to do some serious acceptance and grieving of who you thought she was. You need to see that it was you - your projections, your idolizing - that created this situation for yourself. Less "her", more YOU.

 

If you keep avoiding seeing her as she is instead of who you want her to be (there's still this version of her in your pain that doesn't seem accurate) and if you keep running from your role in this, then I fear you'll be stuck in this endless loop.

 

You respond to me as if you get it, but then every post I see from you, it's as if the conversation never even happened. There you are, again, posting about her and ranting and shaming her as if she were rational.

 

So what is going on with you? I don't ask that accusingly; I want you to think about it. What are you running from and why are you running?

[dumbass2]

EC, I don't know what to tell you. You keep wanting to make sense of this by looking to her as if she were rational and thought like you.

 

She doesn't think like you. She's not rational; she acts on whatever emotions she feels at the time and bends reality to fit those emotions. Logically, you know this about her. Emotionally, you are avoiding it like hell.

 

What is it that keeps you drowning in this alternate reality? Hope that the "her" that you want her to be will emerge from this mess? She was never "her" and she'll never be "her." She can't. It was all a self-created illusion.

 

You need to do some serious acceptance and grieving of who you thought she was. You need to see that it was you - your projections, your idolizing - that created this situation for yourself. Less "her", more YOU.

 

If you keep avoiding seeing her as she is instead of who you want her to be (there's still this version of her in your pain that doesn't seem accurate) and if you keep running from your role in this, then I fear you'll be stuck in this endless loop.

 

You respond to me as if you get it, but then every post I see from you, it's as if the conversation never even happened. There you are, again, posting about her and ranting and shaming her as if she were rational.

 

So what is going on with you? I don't ask that accusingly; I want you to think about it. What are you running from and why are you running?

 

What you say here is so accurate as a lot of dumpess idolize their ex and try to figure out why they are acting in a way that does not fit what they believe is normal or acceptable to them. I did this for a while with my ex and still had her on a pedestal until a wonderful poster here got me to look at myself and not at her and not care about trying to figure her out. We cannot change people and make them act or behave and feel the same way we do. We must choose to keep those people in our life or not. It is our decision and we can control how we act and behave, but we have no control over how others do, other than to accept them as is or not.

[idoltree]

What you say here is so accurate as a lot of dumpess idolize their ex and try to figure out why they are acting in a way that does not fit what they believe is normal or acceptable to them. I did this for a while with my ex and still had her on a pedestal until a wonderful poster here got me to look at myself and not at her and not care about trying to figure her out. We cannot change people and make them act or behave and feel the same way we do. We must choose to keep those people in our life or not. It is our decision and we can control how we act and behave, but we have no control over how others do, other than to accept them as is or not.

 

It's a way to stay connected, feel in control, and avoid grieving a loss.

 

I went through this stage myself, and unless you force yourself out of it, you get stuck. It's a very hypocritical time, and you can only see that once you're lookign back at it.

 

Two things EC needs to do:

 

1. Spend time thinking about himself, rather than her, and how he got himself in this mess. He's doing exactly what frustrates him about his ex (looking to control the external rather than looking inside of himself), and
   
2. Grieve her loss. This can't be done without letting go of the various methods dumpees use to feel in control.
   

[EmbeddedCortex]

idoltree, I must say, I really like your posts. A lot of times, when I feel myself drifting away in useless, self-destructive thoughts, I try to re-read your posts to bring me back to reality.

 

Yes, I agree with everything you're saying, and I can assure you that I've been working on that aspect of myself everyday over the past 2 weeks or so. I guess sometimes I just like to vent on the forums when I'm feeling emotional over the situation.

 

I'm trying to make myself understand that I really do not have any control over her actions, nor did I ever, but only my own. However, I find myself in those destructive thoughts because during the breakups she always tries to make it seem like it was because of something I did or didn't do, in order to shift away responsibility and guilt. And since I cannot comprehend why someone would treat me so badly when a few days before they claimed to love me, I start taking blame openly and internally, and replaying past events to try and somehow "figure things out" and take "control" and "fix" things. This of course, is pointless.

Edited November 29, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[idoltree]

idoltree, I must say, I really like your posts. A lot of times, when I feel myself drifting away in useless, self-destructive thoughts, I try to re-read your posts to bring me back to reality.

 

Yes, I agree with everything you're saying, and I can assure you that I've been working on that aspect of myself everyday over the past 2 weeks or so. I guess sometimes I just like to vent on the forums when I'm feeling emotional over the situation.

 

Venting is fine, I'm just concerned because every time I see a post from you it's as if she did not have some disordered thinking and behaviors. I don't understand why you're still after the "whys" of this, when it is pretty clear why this happened, and why it will happen again.

 

I'm trying to make myself understand that I really do not have any control over her actions, nor did I ever, but only my own.

Yes. Not only that, but to you she does not act and react in a predictable way, which can be very confusing for someone on the receiving end. It's because those processes of hers are all internal and you've got no control. The more you stick around, the more the dysfunction increases, and the more you become an easy target for her to blame.

 

However, I find myself in those destructive thoughts because during the breakups she always tries to make it seem like it was because of something I did or didn't do, in order to shift away responsibility and guilt.

I believe I said earlier that this is only an issue if you still look to her as someone who can accurately determine reality.

 

This woman is not the end-all be-all. She does not determine right and wrong, she does not determine an individual's worth. To the rest of the world, she's a silly, impulsive, and vindictive person. Yet you still look to her as if her word is gold and more meaningful than other non-PD persons.

 

You put her - a person unworthy of that level of authority - on that pedestal of determining your self-worth, and you can take her down from it. The power is 100% yours.

 

After processing your hurt, which would be normal, there is nothing left here to linger on. Why are you lingering here? One can only conclude that it is because you have not taken her off the pedestal, and you still assign power to her words. You will stay stuck in your pain until you force yourself to see her as she is: the silly nonsensical person who is incapable of looking at her own thoughts and behaviors and instead lashes out at a man who, for some reason, thinks so little of himself that he takes it and craves more.

 

And since I cannot comprehend why someone would treat me so badly when a few days before they claimed to love me, I start taking blame openly and internally, and replaying past events to try and somehow "figure things out" and take "control" and "fix" things.

Again, at this point, what is there to figure out? Seriously, think that over and report back.

 

This link seems to cover all the "whys".

 

I have to wonder if you are clinging onto some fantasy thoughts, like that you can have a normal relationship with her if you can figure out to behave perfectly for her, that it's possible to get her back and get her approval of you, and at that point life will be wonderful forever and ever and ever.

 

The fact that you are stuck concerns me. I fear that if you don't jump start your grief process and get proactive about seeing that unsticking yourself helps you, you'll continually drown in this, only to fall for her nonsense when she needs an ego boost, and you'll end up back here more devastated than before. And then you'll still be running away from reality and grief, and one day you'll meet another woman that feels magical, just like this one, and you can't put your finger on why. And months later, once she can no longer hold up the mask of normalcy, you'll find out why, and that will be because you attached yourself to another woman with a personality disorder, and you'll get to ride on another roller-coaster of devastation.

 

Is that the future that you want for yourself? Because just as easy as it is for someone who does not have your ex on an ill-deserved pedestal to see her for the silly woman that she is, it is easy to see your future if you don't start helping yourself.

 

So, I ask you again: Have you posted on any BPD-relationship forums? Have you ordered the book I recommended? Have you called a counselor to talk over why and how you did this to yourself? What are you doing to put yourself first and help yourself see her for who she is and stop your attraction to disordered women?

[EmbeddedCortex]

I think it has to do with the fact that this was my first relationship. While this has been her 5th pretty much. And so when she constantly blames me for our relationship problems, compares things to her past relationships and says this one is abnormal and I've been inadequate, and then says "why can't you be normal" in response to my emotional reactions to the breakups, I end up doubting myself. However, I also realize that her past relationships were also pretty dysfunctional and she abandoned them herself, with similar emotional problems.

 

Again, I think it's because I'm not sure what is normal, except for what I have read online about healthy relationships and BPD. It's through the online research and forums like this that I've at least reached the conclusion that it's probably not my fault as much as she says it is, and that no matter what I give or how much of it, I'll probably always be told that it's not enough.

 

I guess the only thing I'm trying to figure out is the why and how of my own feelings, emotions, and actions that got me here, and what I should do to resolved these internal issues.

 

Funny enough, I've had a very loving family and my parents have always paid a lot of attention to me. Her case is the opposite of mine. So I'm not sure how I ended up in this situation. I think the main reason is that this was my first relationship, and I just don't know any better. But I also now realize that I do have an extreme "caregiver" personality that can cause me problems.

 

I have to wonder if you are clinging onto some fantasy thoughts, like that you can have a normal relationship with her if you can figure out to behave perfectly for her, that it's possible to get her back and get her approval of you, and at that point life will be wonderful forever and ever and ever.

You've hit the nail on the head there. I honestly believe that this has been my problem for the past year, and it's why I struggled to "fix" things. Even when she came back, I took her back with the intention of working with her to "fix" things, even when I suddenly realized I was doing most of the work to fix things she's broken. Then she got up and left, blaming me for "guilt-tripping" her back in, and also blaming me for her unhappiness that causes the breakups. So apparently her coming back and leaving are all my fault even though she never listens to anything I say. lol

 

Also, yes, I ordered the book!

Edited December 1, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex