She wants to get back together after rebound....

[MrWhite]

Quick 2 cents.

 

 

"She was my first"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/486163-first-relationship-very-painful-breakup

 

 

When this is your first love, and are young, your ideas and beliefs about love are simple.

You had something pure, and now it is not. It will never will be again.

 

 

People are not perfect and if you accept that, then for can move on from this. (whatever choice you make)

 

 

Extra:

You mentioned talking many times about what happened.

Yes let it out, set rules, express your feelings, tell her what is what, blast her for what she did, THEN LET IT GO.

 

 

She loved you for who your were before the break-up. If you keep punishing her, talking about it, using it against her, dwelling on it, you are sabotaging the relationship and yourself.

[frigginlost]

She loved you for who your were before the break-up. If you keep punishing her, talking about it, using it against her, dwelling on it, you are sabotaging the relationship and yourself.

 

^^^ This!!

 

I have been working the "second chance" with my girlfriend for the last 8 months after she stepped out with an ex boyfriend.

 

It's an absolutely horrifying journey with your own thoughts about what took place. My girlfriend is BPD and has been getting help since the event. I do think at times about what she did, but I have not brought it up, or used it against her, or dwelled on it in months.

 

And you know what?

 

We are actually getting along better than we did when we first started dating. And that was a pretty dang good honeymoon period we had.

 

I told myself I would never get back together with anyone who ever cheated on me, but as you have said, "such is love". She did all the right things: became an open book and showed absolute remorse. It destroyed her.

 

Being BPD she still does fight with falling into bad habits regarding abandonment, but she processes her decisions differently now. She knows her past decisions almost killed a very good thing with her (and her kids) and she refuses to allow it to happen again.

 

I wish you well Embedded. Keep going slow and rebuild a good foundation. If it does not work out (and I think about this a lot with my relationship) at least you can tell yourself you truly gave it everything you had, and you learned a ton about yourself in doing so.

 

You have my respect.

[tobe1424]

Sounds like you need to induldge in a book called "How to be a 3% man" or search on youtube for Corey Wayne videos.

 

At the end of the day you can't do anything about the past and you can only use it as teacher.

 

In both war and love there is no such things as rules..

 

The fact that she slept with someone else..its life...her level attraction towards you dropped. She didn't trust your masculine core so she ditched you.

 

If you are coming from a place of fear, what you fear you attract, so either start fresh or man up and play ball with her if you really love her.

 

You really need to evaluate "love" and not keep score cards.

 

I am going through a situation now and I am recently starting to become a bit less clouded.

 

If you want to work things out. Then you simply need to hang out, hang fun, and hook up with her..court her, date her and lose all emotional attachments. Your indifference ( the fact that you are happy with or without her) is what is going to keep her attracted towards you.

 

This applies whether you have been together for 2 weeks or 20 years.

[EmbeddedCortex]

Wow, thanks for all the responses, well-wishes, and helpful suggestions.

 

So far I get the impression that she really loves me still, and honestly, I still love her. We're back together, but I am encountering the issues you guys touched upon.

 

1) I do intentionally bring up what she did to me sometimes when I feel like she is acting like it never happened, or when she starts blaming me for what happened. This usually starts fights and creates hurts feelings. Although after we "make up" she apologizes again for she did and knows she messed up bad. But yeah, I feel like it doesn't help anything to bring it up all the time, but sometimes I can't help it, because it's relatively fresh and I'm concerned about the future.

 

2) Since this was my first real love, I was devestated and extremely hurt by what she did to me - brutally dump me, laugh at me, mock me, immediately start ****ing someone else, even if it was only "3-4 times" as she said it...

 

But because I was so hurt, I start venting to my family, telling them all these negative things about her, and how I felt she had emotionally abused me, etc. Well now obviously my family hates her, so even though I am moving toward forgiving her and moving forward, my family are and will be putting a lot of pressure on me to not go back or stay with her. They say "How can you go back to someone who did all this to you? You look weak, and you can do so much better".

 

 

After almost a year of breaking up and having sex with another guy, i took my ex back. It was the best and worst mistake i ever did. I realized that i was better off without her. Things became stale and our relationship suffered a long dragging death. Dont settle bud. You deserve the best.

 

Our breakup was only 6 weeks, so it wasn't that long.

 

Quick 2 cents.

 

 

"She was my first"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/486163-first-relationship-very-painful-breakup

 

 

When this is your first love, and are young, your ideas and beliefs about love are simple.

You had something pure, and now it is not. It will never will be again.

 

 

People are not perfect and if you accept that, then for can move on from this. (whatever choice you make)

 

 

Extra:

You mentioned talking many times about what happened.

Yes let it out, set rules, express your feelings, tell her what is what, blast her for what she did, THEN LET IT GO.

 

 

She loved you for who your were before the break-up. If you keep punishing her, talking about it, using it against her, dwelling on it, you are sabotaging the relationship and yourself.

 

Wow, this is something I've just started to realize. You're absolutely right. I've learned A LOT through this experience. Yes, that "innocent" view of love is now gone, and the more realistic view is in place. I've definitely grown.

 

Yeah we've had a lot of fights here and there because I feel like she has "moved past it" too easily and too soon. I feel like it's not fair. But I think what you said is true. Constantly going back and reminding her and hurting both of us emotionally will not be productive or helpful. I realize that now.

 

^^^ This!!

 

I have been working the "second chance" with my girlfriend for the last 8 months after she stepped out with an ex boyfriend.

 

It's an absolutely horrifying journey with your own thoughts about what took place. My girlfriend is BPD and has been getting help since the event. I do think at times about what she did, but I have not brought it up, or used it against her, or dwelled on it in months.

 

And you know what?

 

We are actually getting along better than we did when we first started dating. And that was a pretty dang good honeymoon period we had.

 

I told myself I would never get back together with anyone who ever cheated on me, but as you have said, "such is love". She did all the right things: became an open book and showed absolute remorse. It destroyed her.

 

Being BPD she still does fight with falling into bad habits regarding abandonment, but she processes her decisions differently now. She knows her past decisions almost killed a very good thing with her (and her kids) and she refuses to allow it to happen again.

 

I wish you well Embedded. Keep going slow and rebuild a good foundation. If it does not work out (and I think about this a lot with my relationship) at least you can tell yourself you truly gave it everything you had, and you learned a ton about yourself in doing so.

 

You have my respect.

 

Thanks a lot. I hope yours works out well too. Honestly, I think in my case she might also be a BPD too. Obviously I'll keep things updated here.

 

Sounds like you need to induldge in a book called "How to be a 3% man" or search on youtube for Corey Wayne videos.

 

At the end of the day you can't do anything about the past and you can only use it as teacher.

 

In both war and love there is no such things as rules..

 

The fact that she slept with someone else..its life...her level attraction towards you dropped. She didn't trust your masculine core so she ditched you.

 

If you are coming from a place of fear, what you fear you attract, so either start fresh or man up and play ball with her if you really love her.

 

You really need to evaluate "love" and not keep score cards.

 

I am going through a situation now and I am recently starting to become a bit less clouded.

 

If you want to work things out. Then you simply need to hang out, hang fun, and hook up with her..court her, date her and lose all emotional attachments. Your indifference ( the fact that you are happy with or without her) is what is going to keep her attracted towards you.

 

This applies whether you have been together for 2 weeks or 20 years.

 

Again, you too speak words of wisdom that are only understood after some experience. As I mentioned above, I have started seeing things the same way recently.

 

And yeah, I've watched a couple of those Corey Wayne videos!

Edited October 3, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[intricate]

Yikes. This was a wild story from beginning to the end. OP, I really think you deserve someone better, but I know the heart wants what it wants even if it wants something that is just not good for you at all. I understand you perfectly when you talk about being co-dependent, as I have this same flaw and it's super hard to just let go of someone even when that person proves time and time and time AGAIN that they really don't love you, only wants you for certain things and not for who you are deep down.

 

All in all, best of luck. If you need a friend, PM me and I'll definitely hear you out!

[MrWhite]

1) I do intentionally bring up what she did to me sometimes when I feel like she is acting like it never happened, or when she starts blaming me for what happened. This usually starts fights and creates hurts feelings. Although after we "make up" she apologizes again for she did and knows she messed up bad. But yeah, I feel like it doesn't help anything to bring it up all the time, but sometimes I can't help it, because it's relatively fresh and I'm concerned about the future.

 

She wants this event to disappear, just like you wish it never happened.

Most likely she is embarrassed and ashamed of what happened.

 

Once again from my post above:

Yes let it out, set rules, express your feelings, tell her what is what, blast her for what she did, THEN LET IT GO.

She loved you for who you were before the break-up AND who you are now.

If you keep punishing her, talking about it, using it against her, dwelling on it, you are sabotaging the relationship and yourself.

 

 

2) Since this was my first real love, I was devastated and extremely hurt by what she did to me - brutally dump me, laugh at me, mock me, immediately start ****ing someone else, even if it was only "3-4 times" as she said it...

But because I was so hurt, I start venting to my family, telling them all these negative things about her, and how I felt she had emotionally abused me, etc. Well now obviously my family hates her, so even though I am moving toward forgiving her and moving forward, my family are and will be putting a lot of pressure on me to not go back or stay with her. They say "How can you go back to someone who did all this to you? You look weak, and you can do so much better".

 

 

People are not perfect. You still love her and YOU are giving her a second chance after SHE had to ask for it.

YOU decided. People will understand that. They might not like it, however, YOU are doing what makes YOU happy.

 

 

Philosophy:

In a relationship, each person is allowed one serious mistake. She has used that up and you need to tell her that.

If another massive mistake happens, both of you know the relationship is over.

 

 

FYI:

This is your “get out of jail free” card years and years from now if YOU make a serious mistake.

 

 

In the end, she came back, she had to ask, apologize, and then you got to decide.

If you got what you wanted, and if you are happy, then you won.

Edited October 6, 2014 by MrWhite

[EuTuBrute]

99% of the time, I say ditch these people.

 

You are the 1%. I say that because sometimes you have to actually get destroyed one more time in order to get it out of your system.

 

To be clear, she's going to do it again. But I worry you won't move forward with her in the picture. If she screws you over again, you'll be done with her I am sure. Right now you're in that place where distance from her makes your heart grow fonder.

 

It's not going to be a happy ending. Once someone views you as disposable, they always will. But I worry you'll be stuck for years if you don't bite the forbidden fruit.

 

Whatever you do, good luck. I feel for you, sometimes life screws with you by giving you what you want.

 

----------------------

 

Omg yes. I was the 1% who got destroyed again by my ex. She came back into my life just to walk away easily.

 

HOWEVER. It actually helped me. I no longer pin for my ex. So i say go for it.

 

If they show you their true colors, they will do it again TRUST ME!

[EmbeddedCortex]

UPDATE TIME!

 

Ok, so apparently she broke up with me again. lol

 

This time I'm not as crushed or anything like the first time around, since I somewhat expected it and others had warned me about it. And I guess the first breakup is always the hardest.

 

But the suddenness with which it occurred did surprise me. As I said the past 2-3 months since she came back had been difficult, but I had been honest with her from the start that it would be, due to what she did, and she agreed she would do anything it takes to make me happy, and she was sorry.

 

Since the last time I posted I too decided to do my part and not be destructive and help in the healing process. In fact, in the past 2 weeks I had started to feel comfortable with her again and I felt we were doing very well.

 

This past weekend she wanted to go to a Halloween rave in the area and I was totally OK with it. But then some things happened over text that made us fight. First off, I kept asking for a picture of her costume and she wouldn't send me one until after posting stuff on instagram and snapchat. This upset me, and I said "why do I, the boyfriend, have to check social media to see a picture of you?" but I think I was being immature. Anyway, I gave her a hard time about it.

 

Second day of the Rave, I text her at around 2AM and ask her why I have to check instagram and snapchat just to see she is ok? Why doesn't she text me or something? I feel like I'm being ignored. She says she thinks about me all the time, whether she likes it or not and doesn't forget about me. She asks me to meet the next day, and I say no, I have plans.

 

The next day she starts going off on me with how I don't show her enough love and affection or attention and how I don't go everywhere she wants. She even accuses me of not showing any interest in her Halloween costume and complimenting her on it, which I found ridiculous because I had been upset about her NOT SHOWING ME A PICTURE. From then on, I swear to God, she started sounding like a tape-recorder. She literally repeated the same words she had used last time to put me down and said she wanted to break up.

 

I was pretty shocked. I felt that as soon as I felt comfortable with her again and put my guard down, she's dumping me again? She said we needed to talk. I went to talk to her two days ago, and again, like before she went crazy, got physical with me, told me she didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again, and as I was trying to reason with her about what she was doing, and how insane it was, she got physical with me, pushing me, calling me names, and threatened to call the cops, then started crying saying she wasn't loved, etc.

 

And I went and talked to her today, and again, same behavior as in May, literally identical words and cold shoulder, telling me to leave, etc. I tried talking to her simply out of frustration, telling her how she made all these promises and I gave her a second chance, and now she's going to hurt me again? She was unmoved. She said, "what do I have to do make you hate me and leave me the **** alone? I made a mistake coming back!".

 

I think this is so crazy that it's funny, I certainly didn't expect it like this. I'm certainly saddened and upset to be BETRAYED yet again, and to some extent it's even worse this time, because of how I told her how hurt I was and what she needed to do, and how she made so many false promisses.

 

I didn't even ask this time if she had slept with anyone. Who knows, maybe she did again, or maybe she didn't.

 

I know as soon as she texted me about not loving me anymore (AGAIN) and wanting to break up I should have stopped talking to her and certainly not showed up to her place TWICE. But I couldn't believe it! It sounded even crazier than the first time! How the **** can someone be so selfish?

 

I don't feel as devastated as before, but I'm still mind-****ed and definitely saddened.

 

Up until last week she was begging me to not leave her, and I promised her I wouldn't!

 

It just sucks that all this stuff is happening in my life at the same time. Relationship problems, finishing my graduate degree, looking for a job...all happening this past few months. And she leaves me again to go party it up or something!

Edited November 7, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[NopeNah]

She didn't invite you to the rave? Either way.... Time to let this go..she has.

[EmbeddedCortex]

She didn't invite you to the rave? Either way.... Time to let this go..she has.

 

No, but I couldn't go anyway, and she had planned it ahead of time with some other girl who cancelled, and then she went with someone from work or something.

[MrWhite]

With all the different things happening in your life, it's time to start fresh.

You are young and not rooted down.

 

 

Graduate, get a job, and move on from everything.

End of the old life, the start of a new one.

[idoltree]

The suddenness with which this happened, that it happened when you got comfortable and she wasn't challenged, what appears to be baiting you into small arguments (and you took the bait), and the sudden 180... I don't know if you've mentioned it or not, but this is screaming Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

 

[Associated disclaimer that I am not a professional, nor am I trying to diagnose her. Her behavior, however, sounds very similar to someone with BPD.]

 

like before she went crazy, got physical with me, told me she didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again, and as I was trying to reason with her about what she was doing, and how insane it was, she got physical with me, pushing me, calling me names, and threatened to call the cops, then started crying saying she wasn't loved, etc.

Dude. She got physical with you and threatened to call the cops. Do you realize that this can ruin your life? Cops will believe a woman's version of the story 9.99 times out of 10. Also, classic BPD stuff.

 

Attention-seeking from men, feeling okay when the relationship has some drama elements, then leaving once there's no drama, talking like she's the victim when she did this to herself: "I hate you, don't leave me." Classic BPD.

 

This girl is NEVER going to be who you want her to be. This, right now, is a big part of who she is. She has not been overtaken by unfortunate circumstances, and the real her will come around. This is her. The good and the bad, and the bad is very very bad. It is soul destroying and you need to stay away from her.

 

You think that if the circumstances change, she'll change and you can be happy. That is false. You have now seen that you can try your hardest, only to end up exactly where you started, because the problem is not you or something you can control. It is her and her stunted ability to control her emotions and not let them rule her actions.

 

If I know your type, you're now reading this and saying "Aha! So if she can just get help, then things will be peachy! I can fix this! I can fix her!" ... No. Only she can fix herself, and she's only going to do that when she hits rock bottom. More likely is that she'll never seek help, like most BPDers. That's part of the disorder - it's never them that is the problem, it's everyone else.

 

So, here you are, having tried to get that sweet caring girl back. Except you can't. Because that sweet caring girl also has a side to her that tears down everything that you build on a whim, blames you for it, and removes the love and security that you had at the drop of a hat. Again, this, right now, is her.

 

It's time to see this for what it is and let go. Do not tell her about herself; she won't listen and will only resent you. This breakup is going to be tough, because dealing with someone like her is such a mindf*ck.

 

On a physical level, you have to know that being in a relationship with her and the ups and downs has affected you. You've been traumatized by trying to love someone with a destructive personality disorder. Your body is holding onto a lot of tension due to the stress. Also, your brain has been altered. Over time, with the roller-coaster of trying to love someone with BPD, your brain has become used to the highs and lows. When you think of her, and being happy with her, your brain is flooded with chemicals that make you feel good. During the lows, your brain does not have those chemicals and desperately wants them. You have associated (your incomplete picture of) her with those good feelings. So now it's time to re-train your brain. You are, essentially, an addict, and you need to wean yourself off of your drug cravings in order to re-train your brain.

 

Do not seek her out. Stop yourself when you start the "if only"s and the "I can fix this". You can't. It's 100% out of your control, and even if she comes back to you, it's only a matter of time until you're back where you are now, except it will probably have escalated (it does every time, doesn't it?) to her actually calling the cops on you. Stay away from her and heal yourself.

 

There are many support forums for people in your situation. I suggest you find one and post there about your breakup with your probable BPD ex. Other people will be in the same boat and know how you feel, and they'll help keep you strong.

 

Additionally, there are things about yourself that set you up to be attracted to a woman like this. You think she's the bees knees, when other people who don't have the issues you have can see her clearly and run screaming in the other direction from her. You are a caretaker, you overlook red flags, and you are at extremely high risk of dating another BPD girl. They seek you out because you are one of the few that will put up with them. You seek them out because you don't think an independent and emotionally healthy woman is someone that you deserve. Time for some counseling to work out your own issues so you can choose more wisely next time around.

[EmbeddedCortex]

[Associated disclaimer that I am not a professional, nor am I trying to diagnose her. Her behavior, however, sounds very similar to someone with BPD.]

 

I actually mentioned that she seems very much like a BPD. And she says, "no it's not me, I'm not bipolar or BPD, I just don't want to do this anymore! I don't love you! What do I have to do to get you to hate me and leave me alone?" It's crazy to me! Not to mention when she came back she said she was going to a psychiatrist for depression and was on meds.

 

Does she have no sense of integrity or honor? I trusted her, again, and I was open with her from the beginning regarding the challenges and what needs to be done. And then she just dumps me again after just 2 months and says she doesn't love me and calls me names? And just as soon as I thought things were going well and I was getting comfortable with her.

 

How can someone be like that? Always lying, always unreliable, always going back on their word. Just 2 days ago, when I was texting her about how she doesn't text me at all for hours and I get worried, she told me she thinks about me all the time whether she likes it or not! And one day later, shes's done because I'm dramatic? Me? I'm the one who is dramatic?

 

Dude. She got physical with you and threatened to call the cops. Do you realize that this can ruin your life? Cops will believe a woman's version of the story 9.99 times out of 10. Also, classic BPD stuff.

 

True that. I'm an idiot. I was just so shocked and was trying to calmly talk to her.

 

 

So, here you are, having tried to get that sweet caring girl back. Except you can't. Because that sweet caring girl also has a side to her that tears down everything that you build on a whim, blames you for it, and removes the love and security that you had at the drop of a hat. Again, this, right now, is her.

 

So ****ing true. I can't believe it. I was so clearly honest with her about how I felt and how damaged I was by what she did the first time a few months ago. And throughout the past 2 months she would cry for me and say she loves me and just wants to make me happy, and if I decide it won't work, then she will accept it.

 

Just two weeks or so ago we had an argument about something over text. She calls me up later and apologizes and says "I know I disappoint you a lot with everything I do, I know you can leave it, but please don't leave it."

 

So the past 2 weeks or so, besides a minor argument here and there, I felt things were going good! She kept asking me about having kids and getting married. Then this past Monday she starts with the "I don't love you anymore, I don't see myself having a future with you. I don't see myself getting married to you. And guess what, I do want to get married and have kids, so stop wasting my ****ing time."

 

WTF?!

 

Do not seek her out. Stop yourself when you start the "if only"s and the "I can fix this". You can't. It's 100% out of your control, and even if she comes back to you, it's only a matter of time until you're back where you are now, except it will probably have escalated (it does every time, doesn't it?) to her actually calling the cops on you. Stay away from her and heal yourself.

 

You think that's bad? A few weeks ago on her birthday, we went out to eat. I told her I'm trying to save up money right now since I'm out of a job and finishing school this semester. She starts accusing me in front of everyone of being a freeloader. I was humiliated!

 

I start arguing with her in the car and how mad I was. We do some name calling. We get out of the car to walk toward the next store, then she suddenly turns around gets in her car and leaves me 100 degree weather to walk back home.

 

I was so shocked, I didn't even realize what was happening. I was like, where did she go? Is she moving her car? Until I realized it. Then of course a few minutes later she came back yelling at me to get in the car and stop being a drama queen.

 

 

Additionally, there are things about yourself that set you up to be attracted to a woman like this. You think she's the bees knees, when other people who don't have the issues you have can see her clearly and run screaming in the other direction from her. You are a caretaker, you overlook red flags, and you are at extremely high risk of dating another BPD girl. They seek you out because you are one of the few that will put up with them. You seek them out because you don't think an independent and emotionally healthy woman is someone that you deserve. Time for some counseling to work out your own issues so you can choose more wisely next time around.

 

I am a caretaker. Look at my personality profile. I'm doomed.

 

Portrait of an ESFJ

Edited November 7, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Itspointless]

I am a caretaker. Look at my personality profile. I'm doomed.

 

Portrait of an ESFJ

You are confusing personality-type with attachment-type. You can be a highly supportive type, without letting others invade your boundaries or trying to merge with someone. Read up on attachment-styles and anxious attachment. Anxious attached people want to take care of others to be loved as they fear abandonment. You might want to do this test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships (I found it very insightful when I took it).

[Justanaverageguy]

The suddenness with which this happened, that it happened when you got comfortable and she wasn't challenged, what appears to be baiting you into small arguments (and you took the bait), and the sudden 180... I don't know if you've mentioned it or not, but this is screaming Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

 

[Associated disclaimer that I am not a professional, nor am I trying to diagnose her. Her behavior, however, sounds very similar to someone with BPD.]

 

I don't agree that she is BPD at all. Why ? Because her behavior is typical for women who have fallen out of love with their partner (ie: No longer sexually attracted) but can't bring themselves to break the attachment bonds they have formed with them. Love has 2 main parts Attraction - which brings people together. Attachment which keeps them together. The attachment feeling is very hard to break even if we know we are doing the right thing by ending the relationship.

 

I compare it to breaking an addiction. Over time, by spending so much time and sharing so many things together together you have built up an addiction to each other. Breaking the addiction is like breaking any addiction. It's hard. Now that you have given up you will both have cravings and compulsions to go back to your relationship. Many people end up caught in a bit of a limbo stage when they first end a relationship because the attachment they feel to their ex-partner and their old life is so hard to break. Just like a smoker has cravings to light up a cigarette you will want to call each other. Sleep in your old bed. Do the things you previously did together. Sometimes those feelings can be overwhelming. You ex is stuck in this limbo. She is going back and forwards because she hasn't yet been able to break the attachment bond.

 

While her behavior right now may seem absurd and crazy ... its actually somewhat typical for the end of a relationship. The "limbo stage". Women are famous for it. They don't end a relationship .... they ask for separation to slowly wheen themselves off the relationship. Then they oscillate between coming back to you and leaving again. Coming back and leaving again. Some women find it harder to break the attachment bonds then others so this can go on for months or even years in some cases. Sometimes it only really breaks when she finally finds someone to move onto permanently. In all honesty it would not surprise me if she came back calling you again in a few weeks time. I assure you though .... once it is broken and she gets out of the limbo stage she will go back to being a normal sane human being.

 

This is why people advocate "no contact". Its the only way to truly break your attachment to each other. COLD TURKEY!!!!!

Edited November 17, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[EmbeddedCortex]

I would like to agree with you if she hadn't come back after what occurred.

Also, keep in mind, I believe we are both extremely sexually attracted to each other. We both agree we are extremely sexually compatible. She even said how great I am in bed when she told me she wanted to break up again. Up until 2 weeks ago she wanted my babies, lol. She said maybe she came back just because of the sexual compatibility.

 

If you have read my past threads, you will see, that for the last 1 year, she kept breaking up with me over every little thing, and I'd talk to her to fix things over a few days. Until May, when she apparently decided to end things "For good".

 

It was in May-June when things got very nasty, because I kept trying to get her to stay and she wanted to leave for good. So in the end, she had sex with someone else off of Tinder (because she wanted attention apparently) and that's when I stopped contacting her and pursuing her. She continued this relationship for 6-8 weeks, while I was suffering through the emotional trauma.

 

Keep in mind that in May-June, she kept saying she doesn't love me anymore, I'm too awkward, I make her angry and miserable, and she's so much happier being single, and how the new relationship makes her content and all that.

 

Then she started contacting me after 3 weeks, and when I talked to her she merely rubbed the new relationship in my face, but said she missed me. Then she started texting me every few days, until she said she has always been in love with me and still is.

 

So then we start this whole new thing, where I tell her ok, I'll give her a chance to fix things and we'll both work on it, but that I'm pretty hurt and it might take a long time. She says ok, she just wants me to be happy and will do anything for however long it takes. She was very apologetic.

 

So in the past 2 months we were both working on things, although I noticed her starting to "regret" coming back, meaning she didn't want to put in the work to fix things. She basically wanted to pretend like what she did during the summer didn't happen.

 

However, she was extremely loving and caring, and kept telling me to not leave her. She emphasized love love love from the moment she came back until 2 weeks ago when she left again.

 

Then as soon as I feel like we're getting back to normal, she goes to this rave, and breaks up with me because I basically didn't go with her. But then she starts saying the same stuff as before, how she doesn't love me anymore, how I'm awkward and boring, she's disinterested, I don't treat her like a girlfriend enough, how I don't give her what she wants, how I'll never change, etc. Same stuff, basically everything is my fault again.

 

The way I see it, is that she used me. She came back when she wanted forgiveness, love, affection, attention, and comfort. When I gave her all of that, she again turned around, blamed me, and left me again. At some point she even told me how she never told anyone her age she had a boyfriend! I feel that she used me until she found a replacement. I don't know if she's dating someone new already, but I feel like that's the case, though I'm not interested to find out since it won't help me mentally. She simply told me that she met some "cool people" at this rave and saw these couples having fun, and thought to herself how she wanted to do these things with someone she loved, but not me.

 

I feel really used and stupid because I actually lover her, but I guess she never really loved me, I didn't expect her to start hating me again and getting angry and pushing me away and dumping me again so fast.

 

Maybe she has commitment issues. She wants to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, and doesn't want to commit to one person. She said how she has never been single, although she said the same thing last time too.

 

Also, she keeps saying that all her previous relationships ended with her feeling the same way, but I'm the only one that is being tortured like this. She says even her past BF thinks she's crazy and bipolar.

Edited November 17, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Trep]

Everyone warned you this was going to happen if you took her back. Learn from your mistakes, don't make the same mistake again if she comes crawling back (though it's less likely to happen a 2nd time).

[EmbeddedCortex]

Everyone warned you this was going to happen if you took her back. Learn from your mistakes, don't make the same mistake again if she comes crawling back (though it's less likely to happen a 2nd time).

 

You are 100% right, however, I guess you can call me fooled by the sincerity she put on up until a few days before the breakup.

 

You know what keeps making me "hopeful" that "maybe this time it will be different"? She has drilled it in my head that I'm so inadequate and that everything is my fault, that I think "I can fix it this time if you give me a chance".

 

Of course then she also tries to take some of the blame so as to act like she takes responsibility too, but if you listened to our conversations you would see the desperation in my voice and texts, and the cold, uncaring tone in her voice yet again.

 

It actually angered me and saddened me when she texted me Friday to say she was sorry for putting me through all this, but she will always be there for me in a non-romantic way. It was like pouring salt in my newly reopened wounds.

 

So then to stop the pain I tried begging, guilt-tripping, bargaining on the phone and via text until she stopped responding and I ended up feeling another low. At that point I gave my phone away to a family member for 2 days to prevent me from contacting her in such a manner. Because I know like last time, she will laugh at me as she tells me once again that she's already sleeping with someone new or she has feelings for someone new.

 

This betrayal is worst than the first, because I was so hurt, and yet I trusted her. As soon as I put my guard done, she drove the knife deep into my chest yet again, despite everything she had said that she will never do again, and all the remorse she had shown. She would accuse me that I was dating others or was wasting her time, while in reality she was doing that with me. It's almost hard for me to believe someone can act like that.

Edited November 18, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[idoltree]

You are 100% right, however, I guess you can call me fooled by the sincerity she put on up until a few days before the breakup.

 

There is no sincerity from someone with cyclical BPD. It's simply the idolization phase. Soon to be followed by the devaluation phase.

 

Like most with BPD, she rewrites reality to fit what she is feeling at the time. You don't seem to grasp this. No matter what she tells you, it won't stick. Her abandonment fears will be triggered by something you do or don't do, and then you'll be back in the same place you are now. She is not well, stop mistaking her for someone logical and reasonable.

 

I've used a hot stove analogy with you before, yet here you are, explaining the various ways your brain refuses to accept that it was the stove that burned you, that you chose to subject yourself to the burn, and that it is always turned to high heat and you will get burned again.

 

You know what keeps making me "hopeful" that "maybe this time it will be different"? She has drilled it in my head that I'm so inadequate and that everything is my fault, that I think "I can fix it this time if you give me a chance".

You're the only person assigning credibility to her words. It's really as simple as that. Look at her as who she is, not who you want her to be, and realize she is the last person who should be judging behaviors.

 

Take back your power and you'll be able to see how silly it is that you're still looking toward someone with a personality disorder to define your worth.

 

Of course then she also tries to take some of the blame so as to act like she takes responsibility too, but if you listened to our conversations you would see the desperation in my voice and texts, and the cold, uncaring tone in her voice yet again.

Why the heck are there still conversations happening? Have you learned nothing?

 

It actually angered me and saddened me when she texted me Friday to say she was sorry for putting me through all this, but she will always be there for me in a non-romantic way. It was like pouring salt in my newly reopened wounds.

You're the one who gave her the power to hurt you again. Why isn't she blocked from texting you? Why are you assigning any credibility to her words? She is not well, stop mistaking her for someone logical and reasonable.

 

So then to stop the pain I tried begging, guilt-tripping, bargaining on the phone and via text until she stopped responding and I ended up feeling another low. At that point I gave my phone away to a family member for 2 days to prevent me from contacting her in such a manner. Because I know like last time, she will laugh at me as she tells me once again that she's already sleeping with someone new or she has feelings for someone new.

Well, at least giving your phone away was a baby step. Why aren't you taking your personal power back and blocking her so you still have access to your phone? Oh, that's right. Because like your begging, guilt-tripping, and bargaining, you are still addicted to her. You are still 100% convinced that you can get blood from a stone.

 

At this point, the problem isn't her, it is you.

 

This betrayal is worst than the first, because I was so hurt, and yet I trusted her. As soon as I put my guard done, she drove the knife deep into my chest yet again, despite everything she had said that she will never do again, and all the remorse she had shown. She would accuse me that I was dating others or was wasting her time, while in reality she was doing that with me. It's almost hard for me to believe someone can act like that.

Why is it hard to believe someone can act like that? This is classic personality disorder behavior and is totally predictable.

 

Listen, at this point, I'm tired of talking about her. You are the reason that you are still stuck, because you're still focused on her. What have you done to help yourself? Have you read about BPD so you understand that she is the problem and not you? Have you posted on BPD partner support forums, so people who have been through it give you perspective on why you feel so beaten down and low? Have you ordered that book?

 

What have you done, dude? If you haven't done anything, you've got zero excuses. You are subjecting yourself to feeling like this, which is why you'll keep attracting personality disordered women. This is your time to heal and be able to look at the world with clarity, rather than the jumbled up lens that you put in front of your eyes when you decided to trust that woman. And then the next person you give your heart to might actually deserve it.

 

This one never deserved it, yet you handed over your heart. How much time have you put into thinking about what led you to make that decision and how to prevent it in the future?

Edited November 18, 2014 by idoltree

[EmbeddedCortex]

I've been reading about BPD for a long time, since the breakup over the summer. Which forum are you referring to specifically for BPD?

 

I don't know about her abandonment fears honestly. It's mostly her feelings towards me that change. What she often says is "You won't change, I won't change, why are we wasting each other's time and doing this to each other?" My response always is "What change? I've changed a lot." There is never a clear answer. If I say I'll do what she wants, she says it's not genuine, it's not me, and it will just be temporary. Or that I'm a pushover and conformer, or that it's too late. That's just absurd to me. It's more like she takes her own personality and characteristics, reflects it on me, and then blames me for someone I am not.

 

She never communicates with me except through breakups, and then expects me to have read her mind and fixed issues beforehand.

 

Not to mention, that she has never cared about what I want or need, meaning she has never put any effort into anything. It's always been me who had to meet HER needs. If I ever complain, she would say "Take it or leave it", and I always told her "That's not what I do, but it's apparently what you do."

 

She WAS diagnosed with depression, and I noticed when she stopped taking her meds she slowly started acting this way again a few weeks before this breakup. So perhaps it is clinical. I actually told her she might have BPD last week or so. Later, last Monday, when I last saw her she told me how she went and read about BPD. She said it described her very well, and in fact, she said she got angrier and angrier as she read about BPD, since it described her so well.

 

Regardless, you are right on all accounts. I'm working on it as hard as I can.

Edited November 18, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[idoltree]

I've been reading about BPD for a long time, since the breakup over the summer. Which forum are you referring to specifically for BPD?

 

Uh, just that there are some that I have seen for people out of relationships with people with BPD. I'm not going to do your homework for you. You could be talking to people who can commiserate more than we can, since a breakup with someone with BPD is different than your everyday breakup.

 

I actually told her she might have BPD last week or so. Later, last Monday, when I last saw her she told me how she went and read about BPD. She said it described her very well, and in fact, she said she got angrier and angrier as she read about BPD, since it described her so well.

 

Regardless, you are right on all accounts. I'm working on it as hard as I can.

What's the point of telling her? To continue codependency and "fix" her so she'll love you?

 

Note that she read about it and took no action. If she wants to get help for herself, she will. Most likely, she won't, since part of the disorder is explaining problems away by blaming the external/other people. The only thing that may compel her to get help for herself is if she's hit rock-bottom. She hasn't. She bounced to another guy.

 

What is your plan if she contacts you again? Have you blocked her yet?

 

Less talking about her and her needs and more talking about you and your needs. Part of your problem is your hyperfocus on her while ignoring what could be helping yourself to heal.

[EmbeddedCortex]

What's the point of telling her? To continue codependency and "fix" her so she'll love you?

 

Yes, that's my problem. Because I love her and always think it's my fault she stops loving me, or that if I help her fix it, we can be happy. I know that in some normal relationships that might be possible, but I'm realizing that this is not one of them.

 

It's funny because both this time and last time she says, no, we have no hope, because neither one of us will change. I just don't know what she specifically is referring to. She mostly says I don't have the same interests as her. That's it.

 

Note that she read about it and took no action. If she wants to get help for herself, she will. Most likely, she won't, since part of the disorder is explaining problems away by blaming the external/other people. The only thing that may compel her to get help for herself is if she's hit rock-bottom. She hasn't. She bounced to another guy.

Can't say for certain for she bounced to another guy again. I feel like she did though. She "admits" she has issues that she needs to work out and that's why she wants to break up. But honestly, it doesn't sound very sincere at all. It sounds more of a way for her telling me what I want to hear. To supposedly make me feel better, which only makes me feel angrier and sadder. Everything feels like lies and a mind game. Impossible to get the truth out.

 

What is your plan if she contacts you again? Have you blocked her yet?

No I haven't, because she's not the one who keeps contacting me and begging. I'm the one who until Friday kept contacting her to reason with her, and Friday being the absolute worst, when I was begging and being needy. She's the one who simply started ignoring me and didn't even respond or blocked me.

 

Less talking about her and her needs and more talking about you and your needs. Part of your problem is your hyperfocus on her while ignoring what could be helping yourself to heal.

Agreed, but I keep thinking about "what ifs". What if she wasn't my first relationship, would things have turned out better, since I would have more experience? Then again, I was always pretty honest and genuine.

 

She told me she wished she could start new with me, but it's impossible, and I guess that hurts me.

Edited November 18, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[LifeGoesOnMan]

you are going down a path of craziness, stressfulness & uncertainty.

 

 

staying in this limbo **** just wastes your time and claims your sanity.

 

 

Trust me, I have been there, you are going to be in a forever loop of back and forth nonsense until you walk away, stop scheming and stay in NC indefinitely.

[EmbeddedCortex]

you are going down a path of craziness, stressfulness & uncertainty.

 

 

staying in this limbo **** just wastes your time and claims your sanity.

 

 

Trust me, I have been there, you are going to be in a forever loop of back and forth nonsense until you walk away, stop scheming and stay in NC indefinitely.

 

What happened in your case?

[LifeGoesOnMan]

What happened in your case?

 

 

 

I got jerked around for 1.5 years after we broke up..

 

 

this is after a 6.5 year relationship.

 

 

tried to make things work over and over but we never "got back together" officially for one reason or another..

 

 

when people tell you "once you've broken up , the relationship is broken" they're telling the truth...

 

 

and you wont realize it until you've wasted the precious time, time you cannot get back..

 

 

im tellin ya man, walk the f away, i am beyond certain that you will thank me later.