She wants to get back together after rebound....

[NC-Thomas]

I met up with her, she said she was still in love with me, she made a huge mistake, apologized repeatedly, said she will do whatever it takes however long it takes to make it up to me...etc...

 

I don't know...as you guys all say....I worry it might happen again.

 

She didn't keep her promise, she slept with someone else. But she later figured that her new rebound wasn't that exiting and she came back.

 

Now what message would you be sending when you take her back?

 

1. I trust you even though there is no basis for trust anymore.

 

2. I'm your back-up plan if things don't work out with the new guy

 

3. I'm OK with your empty promises

 

4. I am disposable and available whenever you want

 

5. And most important: I don't hold regard for my own standards by letting you cross them and don't act on them.

 

Now. If you are OK with that then you either got no backbone or you are blinded by emotions (i think the latter).

 

Once a woman knows she can cross the boundary she will DO IT AGAIN.

It's feeding a dog at the table, once you start it he will keep coming back over and over again because HE KNOWS YOU WILL ALLOW IT.

 

Now make that change.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

sigh, love is a losing game my friend.

[EmbeddedCortex]

She didn't keep her promise, she slept with someone else. But she later figured that her new rebound wasn't that exiting and she came back.

 

Now what message would you be sending when you take her back?

 

1. I trust you even though there is no basis for trust anymore.

 

2. I'm your back-up plan if things don't work out with the new guy

 

3. I'm OK with your empty promises

 

4. I am disposable and available whenever you want

 

5. And most important: I don't hold regard for my own standards by letting you cross them and don't act on them.

 

Now. If you are OK with that then you either got no backbone or you are blinded by emotions (i think the latter).

 

Once a woman knows she can cross the boundary she will DO IT AGAIN.

It's feeding a dog at the table, once you start it he will keep coming back over and over again because HE KNOWS YOU WILL ALLOW IT.

 

Now make that change.

 

I am blinded by emotion. I know what I have to do, but it kills me how her actions of 7 weeks threw away everything we had for 2 years. The world is a ****ed up place, and it hurts the most when people you love use you, abuse you, and betray you. Then they come back, asking for forgiveness, and you truly want to convince yourself to forgive.

 

I never, ever expected her to do this to me, and this is why I feel like I can't trust her anymore. She would say her relationship with me is the most love-filled of the previous, that she actually cares a lot about our future, etc, but she never did this to anyone else. Granted she did relationship-hop for the most part, except in my case she had been single for a year.

 

Why did she have to have a casual on-off sexual relationship with some Tinder guy for 7 weeks to figure her **** out? If she hadn't...if she had just taken time to herself, this would be a whole different story at least with some real hope. I wish I could see the future, and know of certain things would work out or not.

 

She said the guy was a loser, trash...that what she did was unlike what she had ever done, or would ever do again. That she as emotionally vulnerable, angry, depressed, a family member and friend killed themselves, and she didn't know what she was doing, etc.

 

But what about ME? Do you know how much I've suffered the past 2 months? I could have had rebound sex with people too, but I didn't. I had the chance, but chose not to.

Edited August 7, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[FortunateSon]

The fact she described the other guy as "a loser, trash" will bother you even more as time goes on. You will always be left to wonder how she could have done something like that with a guy like that? Chances are it will eat at you as time goes on. Trust is gone. You should move on.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I am blinded by emotion. I know what I have to do, but it kills me how her actions of 7 weeks threw away everything we had for 2 years. The world is a ****ed up place, and it hurts the most when people you love use you, abuse you, and betray you. Then they come back, asking for forgiveness, and you truly want to convince yourself to forgive.

 

I never, ever expected her to do this to me, and this is why I feel like I can't trust her anymore. She would say her relationship with me is the most love-filled of the previous, that she actually cares a lot about our future, etc, but she never did this to anyone else. Granted she did relationship-hop for the most part, except in my case she had been single for a year.

 

Why did she have to have a casual on-off sexual relationship with some Tinder guy for 7 weeks to figure her **** out? If she hadn't...if she had just taken time to herself, this would be a whole different story at least with some real hope. I wish I could see the future, and know of certain things would work out or not.

 

She said the guy was a loser, trash...that what she did was unlike what she had ever done, or would ever do again. That she as emotionally vulnerable, angry, depressed, a family member and friend killed themselves, and she didn't know what she was doing, etc.

 

But what about ME? Do you know how much I've suffered the past 2 months? I could have had rebound sex with people too, but I didn't. I had the chance, but chose not to.

 

 

 

 

there really is no explanation bud.

 

 

people do f**k'd up things.

 

 

the rebound sex was a thrill for her, that's all. also a huge ego boost for her.

 

 

chalk it up as a win for yourself that you didn't stoop to those levels.

 

 

she banged a trashy loser, even said it herself.

 

 

why would you wanna stick your P in her V after that?

 

 

yuck.

[Zahara]

She said the guy was a loser, trash....

 

I have to wonder if that's the reason why she's back. Realized that it was a dead end with that guy and now you have become the rebound.

[redbaron005]

sigh, love is a losing game my friend.

 

Loving yourself is a winning game.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I have to wonder if that's the reason why she's back. Realized that it was a dead end with that guy and now you have become the rebound.

 

Pretty much my thoughts. Tinder guy lied to her until a 3-4 weeks after the fact, meaning some 2 weeks ago. She said she never intended to have a relationship with him, but so what? She still had sex with that trash even after the fact. I asked her, if this guy had been a normal guy, would you have still come back? Of course she said yes, but come on...

 

What bugs me is how when I first found out about this guy she had slept with, 7 weeks ago before going NC, she said she had no feelings for him and it wasn't good, that she would likely never speak to him agian. I had hoped that it would have stopped there, but the fact that she continued this useless sexual affair for weeks longer...what excuse is there?

 

Best part is, the guy was still sexting HIS ex, which my EX found out at the end. And that the child he had was with a girl he had cheated with, not even his girlfriend or anything.

 

Really? It took that much to realize she loved me and see my value? Jesus.

Edited August 7, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Zahara]

The least of your problems is this guy she's been seeing. I'm pasting the below from your other thread. There's a bigger picture here other than the trash she's been with.

 

"Problems started emerging early on due to a mismatch in our outlook in life. She was focused on instant gratification, I was focused on long term planning for us. I was in grad school, she was working full-time since 18. So I would tell her to wait 2 years or so (aka NOW) and I can do everything with her!

 

Slowly she started showing a lot of random anger and emotionally abusive behavior towards me. Her behavior pattern started within the first few months looking back. This grew in frequency and got really bad in the second year. Basically, she would always try to push my buttons to make me upset and mad, would break up with me over every little thing 1 million times, then we'd make up and she'd say she loves me and don't want to lose me, etc. Yet she also made herself more unavailable and distant.

She would say her main problem was that I wasn't "independent" enough. Yeah our cultures didn't match, and one of my main issues was that I was living with my parents rent-free and I had to obey some of their rules. So she would call me a pushover for not doing everything she wanted me to.

Anyway.....she broke up with me mid May during my Finals...for the last time. She said she didn't love me anymore. I really opened up to her and begged her to give me another chance to address all her concerns and issues. I was crazy in love with her. She agreed reluctantly, but kept changing her mind back and forth literally every day, driving me crazy!

 

Eventually she told me she wants to breakup. She said that my presence always made her super angry no matter what. She said she was so much happier without me, going out, meeting new people. She told me she wished she had broken up with me 1.5 years ago .

These words really hurt because I always tried to make her happy and meet her needs, and be a loving caring boyfriend, but she would do nothing in return and was always critical of how inadequate I was."

 

Nothing much has changed because this is her core. That "instant gratification" statement you made is a huge red flag. Take note.

[EmbeddedCortex]

The least of your problems is this guy she's been seeing. I'm pasting the below from your other thread. There's a bigger picture here other than the trash she's been with.

 

"Problems started emerging early on due to a mismatch in our outlook in life. She was focused on instant gratification, I was focused on long term planning for us. I was in grad school, she was working full-time since 18. So I would tell her to wait 2 years or so (aka NOW) and I can do everything with her!

 

Slowly she started showing a lot of random anger and emotionally abusive behavior towards me. Her behavior pattern started within the first few months looking back. This grew in frequency and got really bad in the second year. Basically, she would always try to push my buttons to make me upset and mad, would break up with me over every little thing 1 million times, then we'd make up and she'd say she loves me and don't want to lose me, etc. Yet she also made herself more unavailable and distant.

She would say her main problem was that I wasn't "independent" enough. Yeah our cultures didn't match, and one of my main issues was that I was living with my parents rent-free and I had to obey some of their rules. So she would call me a pushover for not doing everything she wanted me to.

Anyway.....she broke up with me mid May during my Finals...for the last time. She said she didn't love me anymore. I really opened up to her and begged her to give me another chance to address all her concerns and issues. I was crazy in love with her. She agreed reluctantly, but kept changing her mind back and forth literally every day, driving me crazy!

 

Eventually she told me she wants to breakup. She said that my presence always made her super angry no matter what. She said she was so much happier without me, going out, meeting new people. She told me she wished she had broken up with me 1.5 years ago .

These words really hurt because I always tried to make her happy and meet her needs, and be a loving caring boyfriend, but she would do nothing in return and was always critical of how inadequate I was."

 

Nothing much has changed because this is her core. That "instant gratification" statement you made is a huge red flag. Take note.

 

Yeah, pretty much this. It's funny how with the rush of chemicals in your brain, you tend to forget all the hurtful stuff that occurred. It was the same in the relationship.

 

I forgive and forget too easily. I know we have no long term potential at all, I have to keep reminding myself of that, despite how much I love her still...

 

I have in-fact, every reason in the world to hate her, yet the love takes over????

[me85]

Similar thing happened to me. I gave my ex a second chance and he ended up turning around a month later and doing it again.

 

 

And basically blaming me because he was wanting to be official again right away and I didn't. I needed time. I wanted to ease back into RS status slowly.

[EmbeddedCortex]

Similar thing happened to me. I gave my ex a second chance and he ended up turning around a month later and doing it again.

 

 

And basically blaming me because he was wanting to be official again right away and I didn't. I needed time. I wanted to ease back into RS status slowly.

 

Mine is actually not that bad. She's ok with going super slowly. Knowing her, she'd try her best to resolve this. But unfortunately, I don't trust her, not sure it's worth the time. Actually, I should hater her, and have had blocked her from first day of NC. But such is love.

Besides, all my family and friends know about this, and they say I'm a ****ing idiot if I do this again.

 

I know what I must do, but I don't know how to muster the courage to do it.

[Zahara]

I know what I must do, but I don't know how to muster the courage to do it.

 

This isn't love you feel because the true sense of the word doesn't make you feel this way nor does it treat you that way. You have an attachment, granted emotional but alongside, a toxic one as well. No different or unique from all of us that have had to detach from someone we have loved. Follow your brain, not your heart. It's not about courage, but acceptance. Until you accept, you'll keep going back for more.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Mine is actually not that bad. She's ok with going super slowly. Knowing her, she'd try her best to resolve this. But unfortunately, I don't trust her, not sure it's worth the time. Actually, I should hater her, and have had blocked her from first day of NC. But such is love.

Besides, all my family and friends know about this, and they say I'm a ****ing idiot if I do this again.

 

I know what I must do, but I don't know how to muster the courage to do it.

 

lol its like reading my own story.

 

been there bro & its not easy but in the end its about what makes you happy.

 

If you are happy, more power to you.

[No Limit]

I'd feel bad if I didn't crown this thread with this:

 

Break up, never look back, cut all ties, go full NC for eternity, if she keeps bugging you pay someone to give her a dildo with a ribbon on it in public so she can slick her lust. Do all of that and you'll be fine.

[EmbeddedCortex]

Looking at the responses in my other threads, and researching this online for the past 8 weeks to find explanations....I honestly think she has BPD. I know she's seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety and depressed mood, but the stuff I read about BPD really fits her profile, including such a breakup, coming back, breakup....being super nice and loving, then aggressive, etc.

 

And I honestly think I'm one of those people who enables these people because I'm way too caring, forgiving, and co-dependent.

[me85]

Looking at the responses in my other threads, and researching this online for the past 8 weeks to find explanations....I honestly think she has BPD. I know she's seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety and depressed mood, but the stuff I read about BPD really fits her profile, including such a breakup, coming back, breakup....being super nice and loving, then aggressive, etc.

 

And I honestly think I'm one of those people who enables these people because I'm way too caring, forgiving, and co-dependent.

 

 

 

Same here man. I am too. Whether or not she's willing to go slow for you means nothing. Will she do it again??? She needs time to miss you. You need time alone to think. I hope you get what I'm saying...

[EmbeddedCortex]

Same here man. I am too. Whether or not she's willing to go slow for you means nothing. Will she do it again??? She needs time to miss you. You need time alone to think. I hope you get what I'm saying...

 

She already does. She keeps saying how she made the biggest mistake of her life and how she's lost me forever. It breaks my heart, because I love her, but damn, she hurt me so bad. So incredibly bad. Would she do it again? I have no idea. There was no history of her doing this ever to any of her past relationships; I was the one she loved the most, and she did it to me.

[redbaron005]

She already does. She keeps saying how she made the biggest mistake of her life and how she's lost me forever. It breaks my heart, because I love her, but damn, she hurt me so bad. So incredibly bad. Would she do it again? I have no idea. There was no history of her doing this ever to any of her past relationships; I was the one she loved the most, and she did it to me.

 

She is saying all the right things, I'll give her that.

 

BPD, doubtful. Immature/selfish, probably. Zahara had it dead on saying the "instant gratification" was a red flag, and I'd say that perhaps she doesn't really know what she wants/what true love is. Maybe she got scared the relationship was getting to serious, maybe.

 

However, I think you may be feeling a blurred mix of love and attachment. I bet if you took her back right away, she would bolt. I'd wait and see how she handles time apart, alone.

[EmbeddedCortex]

She is saying all the right things, I'll give her that.

 

BPD, doubtful. Immature/selfish, probably. Zahara had it dead on saying the "instant gratification" was a red flag, and I'd say that perhaps she doesn't really know what she wants/what true love is. Maybe she got scared the relationship was getting to serious, maybe.

 

However, I think you may be feeling a blurred mix of love and attachment. I bet if you took her back right away, she would bolt. I'd wait and see how she handles time apart, alone.

 

I believe it was one of the users...Downtown in my previous threads, who believed she was BPD. Yeah for sure, I'm a blurred mix of all sorts of things.

[EmbeddedCortex]

So just wanted to give an update on this. I've given her a second chance and we've been working at it. Things are going ok, and I try my best not to be too harsh or anything, but I do have my weak moments where I just breakdown or flip out and really harshly criticize her for what she did to me and how much I've emotionally suffered.

 

She seems to be trying her best to be understanding of the current situation and working to fix things. She says she understands that I don't see her in the same light anymore and that things might never go back to the way they were. I've told her that the wounds are very much fresh, it's only been a month, and as I've said several times this will take a while probably if things between us are to be fixed.

 

I've been doing my part too. I try to be supportive of positive changes she's made or efforts she puts forward and be affectionate in return, and also not act in certain ways that I acted before, but a lot of times I don't feel she's putting in any real effort. I feel like sometimes I'm carrying more of the weight to fix things. She gets frustrated and complains and gets demanding sometimes. I tell her how much I basically begged her during the breakup and I hadn't even done anything to her, and that's why I get extremely upset when she talks in a demanding tone, or tries to blame some things on me. And I try again and again to explain the damage that has been done to me and us.

 

It's too much to write here, it's complicated, every situation is different I guess. But things have been ... ok. We've had sex a few times too and for the most part it's been good, although I have to deal with wearing condoms again and freaking out about STDs and constantly reminding her to keep getting tested every 3 months until 6 months. But overall, right now, I'm..... content. I've been pretty honest with her and myself regarding my feelings, and she seems understanding.

 

I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Edited September 5, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Nextlane]

Best wishes mate, I hope it goes well for you and please update us on the end story.

[chstr]

After almost a year of breaking up and having sex with another guy, i took my ex back. It was the best and worst mistake i ever did. I realized that i was better off without her. Things became stale and our relationship suffered a long dragging death. Dont settle bud. You deserve the best.

[chstr]

So just wanted to give an update on this. I've given her a second chance and we've been working at it. Things are going ok, and I try my best not to be too harsh or anything, but I do have my weak moments where I just breakdown or flip out and really harshly criticize her for what she did to me and how much I've emotionally suffered.

 

She seems to be trying her best to be understanding of the current situation and working to fix things. She says she understands that I don't see her in the same light anymore and that things might never go back to the way they were. I've told her that the wounds are very much fresh, it's only been a month, and as I've said several times this will take a while probably if things between us are to be fixed.

 

I've been doing my part too. I try to be supportive of positive changes she's made or efforts she puts forward and be affectionate in return, and also not act in certain ways that I acted before, but a lot of times I don't feel she's putting in any real effort. I feel like sometimes I'm carrying more of the weight to fix things. She gets frustrated and complains and gets demanding sometimes. I tell her how much I basically begged her during the breakup and I hadn't even done anything to her, and that's why I get extremely upset when she talks in a demanding tone, or tries to blame some things on me. And I try again and again to explain the damage that has been done to me and us.

 

It's too much to write here, it's complicated, every situation is different I guess. But things have been ... ok. We've had sex a few times too and for the most part it's been good, although I have to deal with wearing condoms again and freaking out about STDs and constantly reminding her to keep getting tested every 3 months until 6 months. But overall, right now, I'm..... content. I've been pretty honest with her and myself regarding my feelings, and she seems understanding.

 

I'm just taking it one day at a time.

 

Very refreshing to hear that im not alone. Best wishes

[me85]

I tried to work things out with my ex who totally betrayed me and broke my heart…but images of him with the girl he quickly rebounded with and everything they did together sexually-him telling her he loved her after like weeks-kept popping into my head and as hard as I tried, I couldn't get past it. There was just too much damage that couldn't be repaired. It took 2 weeks for it to hit me and start bothering me…but when it did and we talked, he wasn't strong enough to help see me through and everything he promised to get me back went right out the window as soon as I agreed to try again. Basically, he didn't really want to work at it at all. He wanted it to come easy for him.

 

Best thing I ever did was go NC as soon as he changed his mind, yet again, when things got "too hard." Unfortunately, I didn't stick to NC. oops But I'm long over my ex now.

 

I hope everything works out for you. You really have to let the past go if you really want to make it work. You two truly have to start completely over anew. I'd go slow and treat it like an entirely new RS.

 

Best of luck to you!!!