NeoCriMs0n Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 (edited) Hi, LS! I would just like to say thank you to all of the people in this forum. All of your advices have been very helpful. I would like to share this story of mine and would like to know what do you think? To better understand this story, please take a look at my previous post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/483780-did-i-do-something-wrong-ex-girlfriend-threw-me-away Anyways, this ex girlfriend of mine, after about 3 weeks post-break up with me (but we're still friends in facebook at that time), she contacted me one night in Facebook UNEXPECTEDLY. She's apologizing and stuff, saying "sorry about this but uhm.. you promised you'd still talk to me. Please?" I told her I don't remember promising her anything. I answered her politely and treated her as a partial stranger, calling her "Ma'm". At first she asked if I still love her. At first, I told her I can't tell. We talked about the issue in the previous post I posted and she apologized for breaking up with me out of nowhere because she was just so angry. She said everybody hates her now and she needs me right now and she just so sorry for the fact that she missed me so much. In the end, we got back together. Which is a big mistake on my part, because I didn't test the sincerity of her words. Never has the phrase "Actions speaks louder than words" hit me so hard until now. 2 days later, we were flirting with each other on facebook and she said that she really needs me right then. Meaning she wants to have sex with me. So I gladly obliged and took the 2-3 hour bus ride to her hometown in Baguio. We also have an event we want to attend to the next day, so it's the perfect time for us to re-establish our lost connection.. Or so I thought. We did had sex, but I just noticed that as usual, she's not giving me affectionate gestures. I'd figure she would make up for what she had done by hurting me so much when she broke up with me. But no, I was expected to engage in physical intimacy first. So I was the one who initiated the sex even though she's the one who said she wants me yesterday. After we had sex, she said immediately that she has to go now. I was shocked. She said she has to go to her big brother's birthday party, and her presence is needed there. I was disappointed by this fact. Because, she never told me about this party before I took the bus ride. I never knew she had other plans other than seeing me that day, it's not everyday that we get to see each other then suddenly that happened. I let her go, seeing as this is a family matter, and I would do well not to interfere. Though I felt lonely, sad and I broke down in tears that night because not only was intimacy absent on the sex, it was also absent after the sex. For me, I loved her dearly, so physical pleasure alone is not enough. She still constantly text me that night, playing innocent of the fact that I was hurt. And I didn't really bother to tell her she did, because she will just say "What's your problem again? I have a party to attend to. I told you that!". I know her well enough to predict what words she will say. But again, I let what she did slide and just slept the night off un-satisfied and lonely. It's like she only wants my body, and not my heart. The last straw for me was the next day, the day of the event we were both planning to go to. She was more affectionate to her friends than me. She can't even bother to be intimate with me in public (unlike what all other couples around us are doing). No hugs, cuddles, not even holding my hand. Again, I was expected to initiate everything first again. I didn't. Because seriously, I was tired of initiating everything first. I felt so embarrassed because our group of friends are already saying "Hey, aren't those two a couple? Why are they not intimate with each other?". Even one of my ex girlfriend's closest female friends got mad at her, saying "Hey, why are you not spending time with your boyfriend? It's not everyday that he's here, you know. You are lucky your boyfriend is not only handsome, but extremely patient as well. Had I been in his position, I would have left you a long time ago." Her reaction to her female friend is utter silence. No comment. After the event, I told her I would like to talk to her and communicate. But, I canceled it, because her reply made me cancel it. She said "What is it again?!". Yes, I cancelled it. I walked her home without us saying a word to each other. Again, she doesn't care that I'm hurt. So, I left her be to go home, because she said she wants to go home already. It's like she doesn't wanna spend time with me. I texted her a few hours later about the problems, and she said she is just stressed out, and she just can't handle public display of affections. Okay, I'm not even asking for full-on PDA, I'm just asking for her to show her affections to me in public too. And then went completely silent on me that night, refusing to reply to my messages. Because even in private, I'm expected to always initiate first. Can't she compromise? No, I believe the word compromise is not even in her vocabulary. Because everything I say, it gets turned back to me. If I hurt her by accident, I am expected to do A LOT of things just for her head to cool down, but if she hurts me, it's like nothing to her. And she posts her frustrations in facebook of all things. Instead of talking to me about the problems, she posts ambiguous stuffs in facebook. And when I confront her about this, she told me "It's not you who I was talking about! Why do you always think you are the one I'm referring to whenever I post stuffs in my wall?! This is my wall! I can post anything I want!" And seriously, do I even need to tell her these things? Tell her that she needs to be more affectionate with me because that's what couples do? That's supposed to be automatic. It's like I'm a child begging to be loved by a parent. Not to mention that based on her replies to me, it's like I'm just forcing her to do those things, not because she really wants to do them. Did she got used to guys always begging for her and treating them like this that she just doesn't know how to act in a serious relationship? When she came back, she said she still loves me, but her actions says otherwise. I'm hurt, I'm exhausted and drained, I'm paranoid, and I'm doubting my own sanity. My power as a man completely wavered. Am I the one who is wrong? Asking for my needs in our relationship? I gave her un-conditional love, but she can't give it to me in return. What's worse, she knows that she had caused me so much pain, and yet she refused to make it up to me. It's like what happened when she broke up with me is nothing to her. But if I am the who committed a mistake, it's like I committed a heinous crime or something and I have to do A LOT to make it up to her. Had I been the girl in this relationship, that would be called an ABUSE already. So, I did the only thing I have the power left to do - I cut off our relationship. I walked away. It hurts to separate from the one you love. She even un-friended me on facebook after I cut our relationship off. It hurts so bad, but I'm no longer happy. Even my friends are searching for the old, optimistic and enthusiastic version of my self whom everyone looks up to. Whenever I go to her hometown, I always feel sad and lonely. I'm in pain every single time. I had to do it, it's for my own sanity. I broke up with her 3 weeks ago. Well, that's my story. So, tell me guys, did I do the right thing? Is she a narcissist for you guys? And does anyone have similar experience? Thank you for taking the time to read this. Edited August 5, 2014 by NeoCriMs0n
Tbisb74 Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Yes you did the right thing. No she's not narcissistic (although she has traits) she's just juvenile and immature. Her brain isn't done developping yet. neither has yours, but you're ahead of her. This probably wouldn't last the distance in any case because it's obvious you have different ideals and standards when it comes to relationships. She wants a FWB, you want a full-on committed relationship. Sadly, for guys and gals your age, the experience you had are ten a penny. In other words, far too common for comfort. This too shall pass. Stay No Contact and make sure the first time you ever speak to her again, is when the Philippines joins Europe and Twin up with Scotland.
Missy0724 Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Yes, you did the right thing. All that matters is you are stressed, questioning if she cares, unhappy. And seems there are communication issues. This happened to me, with my last BF. Same - a lot of mixed messages, him pulling away, then "coming back", but no intimacy during sex, him turning his issues to solve around on me/blame me, me unhappy, frustrated, confused, not sure this man loves me in a healthy way, if he loves me at all, even though he's saying the words. The words became empty, bc his actions showed otherwise, hence me then pulling away. Vicious circle... If you are not happy, and she is not showing she adores you, is happy and appreciative to see you, be with you, she playing "games", not communicating, the intimacy is gone - it's time to pull the plug. Relationships begin. Relationships end. It sucks, but just reality. People's feelings change, they don't want you any more. Or they can't, bc of their narcissistic personality. They can't love you the way you need it - they are not capable. They act like it in the beginning, to reel you in, "catch" you, then when the "high", honeymoon phase is over, or you question things, bring up issues, they run. They want all the focus on them. Very selfish people. And they will just move on with no emotion. Say they "are sorry" with not a tear in their eye... So sad. If you don't feel happy or loved - just end it now on a good note. End it with class, so you can hold your head up high. And find someone with whom you are happy. You make them happy, they make you happy. Kind of works best that way... Good luck!
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I don't know if she is/was a narcissist or not, but it is really irrelevant. Fact is, she didn't meet your needs and she wasn't going to. Needs that were a big enough deal, you were experiencing sadness being with her instead of happiness. You did the right thing. P.s. she sounds like a major pain in the ass - sorry not sorry :laugh:
Author NeoCriMs0n Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 Yes, you did the right thing. All that matters is you are stressed, questioning if she cares, unhappy. And seems there are communication issues. This happened to me, with my last BF. Same - a lot of mixed messages, him pulling away, then "coming back", but no intimacy during sex, him turning his issues to solve around on me/blame me, me unhappy, frustrated, confused, not sure this man loves me in a healthy way, if he loves me at all, even though he's saying the words. The words became empty, bc his actions showed otherwise, hence me then pulling away. Vicious circle... If you are not happy, and she is not showing she adores you, is happy and appreciative to see you, be with you, she playing "games", not communicating, the intimacy is gone - it's time to pull the plug. Relationships begin. Relationships end. It sucks, but just reality. People's feelings change, they don't want you any more. Or they can't, bc of their narcissistic personality. They can't love you the way you need it - they are not capable. They act like it in the beginning, to reel you in, "catch" you, then when the "high", honeymoon phase is over, or you question things, bring up issues, they run. They want all the focus on them. Very selfish people. And they will just move on with no emotion. Say they "are sorry" with not a tear in their eye... So sad. If you don't feel happy or loved - just end it now on a good note. End it with class, so you can hold your head up high. And find someone with whom you are happy. You make them happy, they make you happy. Kind of works best that way... Good luck! Thank you so much. I really appreciate hearing this from a girl's perspective and also having the same experience as mine. As you said, yeah she did apologize, but even tears can be faked. What's worse in my situation is nobody will believe me if she place the blame on me. This girl is just so good at playing the victim that I can't win. Especially since the society has labeled women who appear vulnerable to be the good one's and guys who provoke the vulnerability to be the villains. Even if she show remorse when apologizing, there's no way I can tell if it's a genuine remorse or not, since her actions don't match her words. She had the gall to tell me that she is just so stressed and that's why she's like that. I was like "Seriously?", got a little bit of humor on that.
Author NeoCriMs0n Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 I don't know if she is/was a narcissist or not, but it is really irrelevant. Fact is, she didn't meet your needs and she wasn't going to. Needs that were a big enough deal, you were experiencing sadness being with her instead of happiness. You did the right thing. P.s. she sounds like a major pain in the ass - sorry not sorry :laugh: Thanks, man. It's gonna be a painful road ahead, but all breakups hurt nonetheless. The only time it won't hurt is if you really are just playing with a relationship. Haha.. She's all words, no actions. Empty words = pain in the ass.
ktya Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 This probably wouldn't last the distance in any case because it's obvious you have different ideals and standards when it comes to relationships. She wants a FWB, you want a full-on committed relationshipd. This. When we are younger we often fall into the romantic trap with women thinking they are sugar and spice and everything nice. In reality they are a lot more pragmatic and like us than we realize until were older and have been in several long term relationships. Sometimes women just want to get laid. Sometimes being romantic and emotional turns them off. Sometimes they dont want sex and want lots of romance. Sometimes they want romance from one guy and sex from another in the same day. If you have strong feelings for her and cant keep it purely physical you need to walk away.
Recommended Posts