NeoCriMs0n Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) I've come across this site and I've been reading posts here for quiet some time for insights. This is my first post. This is really long, so please forgive me. I would definitely appreciate some answers from you guys. I just got out of a 7-month relationship with a girl that left me emotionally and mentally destroyed 2 weeks ago. I live in the Philippines, I need some answers on this one. I'm 23 year-old young man and my Ex Girlfriend just turned 19 this year. She lives in Baguio and I live in a province in Tarlac. So, I'm about a 2-3 hour bus ride away from her. At the beginning of our relationship, she was everything I have looked for in a girl - cute, optimistic, fun, sociable, affectionate and loving. We have so many similarities including our hobbies. She said she has had a crush on me for a very long time, and her best female friend also confirmed this. Each and everyone of our friends told me we make such a perfect couple. Before I met her and got to know her, I just got out of a horrible 2-month relationship with a girl who threw me away like a rag doll in the end, it took me 6-7months just to get over that breakup even though it was short, I know. Call me an idiot, but when I love, I love deeply and I'm always serious in my relationships. I'm a very chivalrous guy (in a classical way), I have great friends that I love so much, I have a great family that despite our issues at home, we can still manage everything through hard work and perseverance. Anyways, I frequently go to Baguio to have fun whenever I have money so I can visit my friends. I had planned to look for work there because I want to settle in Baguio soon, and I have talked and got to know this girl through facebook and some mutual friends. At first, I only wanted to keep her as a possible option because many of my friends have a crush on her too. But, after seeing the signs that she does have a crush on me, I decided to give this one girl a try and felt like I have moved on and healed from my past relationship before her. In the beginning, everything was awesome, she is constantly texting and messaging me in facebook daily whenever I'm online, she was sweet, kind, supportive and we are so affectionate towards each other. She said that she was a bad girl in the past. A playgirl and playing with guys is like a game to her. At that time, she would always smile whenever a guy is mad or crying. But, I believe that ever since her mom died, she no longer do those. Anyways, she has a very hectic and problematic life so I always try to be there to comfort her. She told me all of her past vices and relationships (how she had 13 Exes before me, a "Playgirl" as what I said at that time), she also told me she was raped by a close friend of hers 2 times and she really regrets it. She drinks a lot and she is very vulnerable when is drunk, so naturally, every pervy guy would take advantage of her. I told her that I don't judge people based on their past. She constantly tells me her problems with her family and we always talk the whole day until we both fall asleep. I visited her last December 2013 as a present, because she said she badly wants to see me. It went so well, and we had fun being with each other. We hanged-out for 4 days and I returned home in my province in the meantime. When I got home in my province, I had thought I had finally found the girl of my dreams, especially since she jokingly proposed one time that I marry her. She said it was just random-ness and it came out of nowhere, but I just laughed and let it be. This carried on until 1 month in our relationship. When I still got access to her facebook account, I caught her sweet-talking to an ex of hers. But she insisted that they are just friends. She told me that this guy knows that he literally has no chance on her whatsoever. But, when I confronted her about this, I was surprised because I never knew she can be so defensive, saying "I already gave you access to my facebook account, do you think I'm still hiding something?", that's was our very first argument. But, I see that it is my fault, because she told me she can be a flirt at times. So, I apologized. Everything was normal again. Later, that was Christmas eve 2013, she got taken advantage by another one of her exes who is also her childhood friend. Apparently, this guy has been begging her for sex, despite the fact that she kept telling him that she already has a boyfriend. She said to me that it didn't go too far, but one thing I'm un-sure of is why she looks like she wasn't bothered by that fact, and why it's like nothing to her. I asked her about this and she said that she can't really show that she's affected by what happened or else she will commit suicide, and she can't really tell her folks about this because if she did, there would be awkward commotions there because they all know they are childhood friends. But, my trust for her plummeted after that, I tried to break up with her. She cried to me relentlessly and that made me cancel the breakup and give her another chance but on the condition if she cuts off all contact with her exes. But, later down the road, she used this event against me whenever I bring it up, saying "If you really trust me, then you should know that it's not my fault that my friend did that to me. And you made me cut off all contact with my exes when I should cut my contact with only one. I really don't get why people tell me that we should not be friends with our exes. And then you're trying to break up with me even though I didn't like what happened? You caused me even more pain by doing that." When she said that, I was ridden with guilt, and tried to make it up to her. I did, and finally this event was partially forgotten and our relationship was back to normal. Fast forward to now, I began to notice a change in her. She would get irritable and start fights out of nowhere, She's no longer very affectionate, and recently, she started drinking a lot and smoking again. This was a surprise, because she doesn't drink like that in the beginning of our relationship. At first, I thought maybe because her female best friend return to the scene, and she was influenced by her again. This female best friend of her is a really bad influence, I can tell. This girl is a flirt, heavy drinker and smoker, and she goes to bars a lot. Apparently, my girlfriend does that everyday too ever since then. Other things I notice is that I'm never right whenever I try to communicate with her. She never listens. And she always tells me in those situations that she doesn't like people telling her what to do. Last time I try to communicate with her face-to-face, in the middle of the conversation, she walked out on me and grabbed a close guy friend of hers and cried to him. This guy is also a friend of mine and it lead this guy to hate me because she saw my girlfriend crying. He doesn't like it when people he cares cry. Thankfully, I managed to tell him my side of the story and we're friends still. Still I ignored those red flags, and gave her everything. I even changed some aspects of my personality for her happiness, because whenever I try to talk to her or tell her what's wrong in the relationship, it always ends with her saying stuffs like "Don't you trust me?!" or "You always make a big deal out of nothing!". I did everything for her and changed my identity to fit her lifestyle, I can't question her directly about her habits because it is automatically labeled as me not trusting her. I can't say any problem related to the relationship anymore and I can't communicate with her anymore. Whenever she hurts me with her words, she just say "Sorry", and I am forced to accept her simple sorries devoid of any sincerity because she always say "If you think my sorry is not sincere, then I won't force you to accept my apologies.". At first, I assume she is just childish and prideful, and this is just a passing phase. But still, I didn't complain. The final straw that lead her to throw me away was that moment when she has a problem with one of her guy friend. And this one nearly caused me my own life. Apparently, a close female friend of mine confronted that guy friend of hers and told him off and asked him in a hostile way on why they are inviting my girlfriend out for a drink every night when she has a boyfriend (me). My female friend is really against drinking and other bad vices, and she was also a semi-close friend of my girlfriend and a good acquaintance of the guy, and the fact that she's been hearing stuffs about my girlfriend going outside and drinking almost everyday, she didn't like it, got paranoid and confronted the guy. My girlfriend confronted me about this in a subtle way and I told my girlfriend I would talk to this female friend of mine. She warned me not to talk to my female friend because something bad might happen to her guy friend, and if that happens, she will breakup with me. But, I still chose to fix it. I told her that I won't abandon her and I won't abandon my friend. She made me choose if I'm gonna choose her friend or them. I told her I'm gonna talk to this female friend of mine so everything would be fixed and back to normal. She said "Don't say I didn't warn you". That night, I couldn't sleep so I decided to go outside at about 3am to load up my phone so I can call my female friend later. A group of drunken guys suddenly ganged up on me and almost managed to stab me, luckily I managed to avoid that stab and escape with my life intact. What I fear is that they look like a fraternity, so they might hunt me down again. But, in the end, I thought that if I could fix my girlfriend's problems, then it's worth it. I did managed to fix things between her guy friend and my female friend, and asked them to forget about the whole issue and move on. Though the guy said "Bro, I'm really sorry. But, it's not us who are inviting your girlfriend for drinking, she is the one who always comes with us!". I just took that in a grain of salt, because my girlfriend doesn't socialize with mature and professional people. She mostly hangs out with people who are bad influence. Anyways, When I relayed the news to my girlfriend though, she was furious. She said "Who told you to contact my guy friend?". She said I made her look like the bad guy in the situation, and I was blaming her because I almost died (I'm not even saying anything that I blame her for what happened to me). Even though I see no big deal because I fixed the situation already. She kept telling me those things and I began to get pissed because she can't get the part that there's no more problem. In the end, she threw me away and dumped me despite what I did. All I want for her is to forget the problem already and just move on with her day. I gambled my life by accident because I want to fix that issue, she did warned me but I never thought that even though I managed to fix things between our friends, she'd still dump me. I know she has tons of problem already in her life, I just want to help. In the end, I was the bad guy again. She said "I did warned you last night, right? Now, you're blaming me for what happened to you because you almost died?". I'm not even blaming her, I just want her to forget the problem. I didn't ask for anything big in return. And to think I was her longest relationship. Her relationships in the past, according to her, are mostly just flings. One of my close female friends (who is my girlfriend's former close friend) said that my girlfriend's past relationships only lasts for weeks, and the longest is 4 or 5 months. She's a massive flirt at the time so you can expect these guys to be losers, guys who can't get over her because even though she broke up with them, she still talks and flirts with them. Some of them even bow before her to give them another chance (Don't worry, I never bowed before her, not even once). Did I do something wrong? Please, tell me.. Thanks in advance Edited July 3, 2014 by NeoCriMs0n
Moonborn Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 What you went wrong with, in my opinion, is not setting proper boundaries. From what you say the girl was more or less free to act however she pleased, and you had no right to complain about the things she was doing that were bothering you, while she had freedom to do so for herself. She also sounds like a very troubled girl. You seem to be a guy who is up for something serious, which is definitely something I can relate to, so let me put it this way: let's fast forward this ten years from now. Let's say you marry the girl and have kids with her. Would you really be ok with coping with her behaviour for all that time? Would you truly feel safe and happy in your relationship? Unless she shows concrete signs of that, you can safely assume that she is not going to change anytime soon. Stay strong, keep living your life and move on. You deserve better than this.
Author NeoCriMs0n Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 I did tried to set up boundaries but not in the beginning of the relationship. a former friend of hers wanted to tell me in the beginning that she was an unstable girl, and the attitude my ex is showing me in the beginning is not the real her. She never told me because my female friend felt I wouldn't believe her anyways.... Until now. I just never thought that she would be back in her old ways. And again, even if I tried talking to her about her ways, she would always find ways to backfire it on me.. Like "Don't you trust me?" Something like that..
Chi townD Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Move on from this girl. She's bat sh*t crazy and her true colors are coming out. She's got no boundaries and she has a drinking problem and that problem got YOU jumped by a bunch of guys. And when you confronted her about it, did she seemed concerned for your well being? Was she in hysterics that you were hurt? Did she hop on the next bus to come see if you were okay and care for you? NOPE! The only thing she was concerned about is that what happened to you makes HER LOOK BAD! Dude, you didn't sign up for this. You signed up to date a girl. Not the town flirt and drunk. 3
Author NeoCriMs0n Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Thank you~ I really had thought in the beginning that she has moved on from her old ways, and since her mom died, I had thought it was an eye-opener for her, and that's why I gave her a chance. I'm a very handsome man and I have no problem getting girls, I have never experienced rejection yet. She's a plain-looking girl (except when she has make-up on) who also have tons of guys who are lining up to get into her pants, but what I'm after is her personality - She was sweet, kind and always listens to me in the beginning. But, she's kind of an attention whore. She complains to me at times that so many guys are stalking and flirting with her and she finds it annoying, yet she doesn't block or un-friend them on facebook, instead she talks to them or sweet-talk to them in return. I was naive.
Eivuwan Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 You know the answer to your question. She's too immature. All you can do now is be more careful in your selection of women and don't fall too quickly before you figure out who they are.
Author NeoCriMs0n Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 You know the answer to your question. She's too immature. All you can do now is be more careful in your selection of women and don't fall too quickly before you figure out who they are. Thanks, bro.. Will take note of that.. Next time, I gotta investigate the background of the next girl first..
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