was the sex THAT good or...?

[herself]

I thought about this question. We could have had it turn physical (he asked me to show up at his place, I didn't). He enjoys talking about it, fantasize about it. But to me, so what? Even if sex happens, then what? I will probably get more emotionally spun into the web while he... gets his fantasy live out. Sex is sex with men, isn't it?

 

I have thought about this very thing...the PA Im sure would have been too much...its not a fantasy any more once u act on it, its real, you cant undo that so by not acting at least theres a tiny part I never gave away. The one thing I wanted was a kiss.

[yakamoz]

OP I can't imagine being in EA that long and not go PA. I guess you could say I have an EA for the last two years and we recently semi-disclosed our attraction to each other. So far, we have been able to resist the temptation but it is getting more difficult as time goes by. Sexual chemistry between us is beyond anything I have ever experienced before. I never had this kind of attraction to anyone in my life. I crave a physical touch from him but thankfully he hasn't made a move. We are both married and he is my boss. We both know how horrible the consequences would be but I still wonder if it will happen one day and whether it will be as amazing as I think it will be. Like you, I may never find out. Sometimes, I feel just a kiss, a single kiss would have been enough for me for the rest of my life. I really don't need anything more than that but I am sure a guy won't be happy with just a kiss, especially once he crosses that line.

[MayP]

I have thought about this very thing...the PA Im sure would have been too much...its not a fantasy any more once u act on it, its real, you cant undo that so by not acting at least theres a tiny part I never gave away. The one thing I wanted was a kiss.

 

Sometimes, I feel just a kiss, a single kiss would have been enough for me for the rest of my life. I really don't need anything more than that but I am sure a guy won't be happy with just a kiss, especially once he crosses that line.

 

Both of you hit a chord in my heart. I kept wishing to kiss him again. But I know if/ when that happens, a kiss will not be enough. And I am afraid of the consequences (not saying that I don't think about after kissing).

[inappfriendly]

I haven't been able to shake this thread from my thoughts. It's a very real and relevant question when distinguishing between EAs and PAs, particularly in the aftermath!

 

Out of PA for a year and still remember every detail of the time we spent together. The sex was really fantastic but what sticks with me most is the connection that came with the intimacy. The feeling of physically claiming each other. It haunts me to this day. In those moments, I was his and he was mine to have and to hold. But just in those moments. When we crashed and burned, I struggled with the loss because despite what I felt we shared, he was NEVER really mine at all. Cognitively, I understood that, but nothing short of a partial lobotomy could erase those memories or fill that void.

 

 

Best to all in their journey and healing!!

[herself]

OP I can't imagine being in EA that long and not go PA. I guess you could say I have an EA for the last two years and we recently semi-disclosed our attraction to each other. So far, we have been able to resist the temptation but it is getting more difficult as time goes by. Sexual chemistry between us is beyond anything I have ever experienced before. I never had this kind of attraction to anyone in my life. I crave a physical touch from him but thankfully he hasn't made a move. We are both married and he is my boss. We both know how horrible the consequences would be but I still wonder if it will happen one day and whether it will be as amazing as I think it will be. Like you, I may never find out. Sometimes, I feel just a kiss, a single kiss would have been enough for me for the rest of my life. I really don't need anything more than that but I am sure a guy won't be happy with just a kiss, especially once he crosses that line.

 

I can say this...Im not sure our friendship would have been the same if we did cross the line. Throughout much of the 13 years we disclosed no feelings nor flirted much but it was CLEAR and very palpable when we were together. He would say goodbye with the longest hugs...it was crazy...we would just hold on forever frozen there....and I would quickly walk away when he let me go...I couldn't look him in the eye, the feelings and emotiin exchanged in those hugs was STRONG.

 

When we finally confessed feelings it was amazing. But it did impact our friendship very much. So if you love his friendship...just because you both WANT to cross the line doesnt mean u have to. Be prepared u are almost guaranteed to lose him...so the more you exchange with him, the more you will need to recover from.

[yakamoz]

Thank you for your reply. I agree things would change if we crossed the line and not for the better. Things are different between us after our disclosure which I should say my disclosure to him. He simply agreed he feels the same way. I think he is scared to death of doing something wrong which while I know is right thing to do still pisses me off because he lacks courage. He is hot and cold since our special talk. One day he is all I am working on my marriage and want to have a second baby with my wife and the next day he is all flirty and emotional and intimate. So I agree things would just get worse if we do anything. Complicating everything is the fact that he is my boss and already people are talking I am his favorite. Despite all this, i just melt when I see him. If he did make a move, I won't be able to resist. So I guess I should be thankful he will never have the xxlls to make that move.

[littlemermaid]

Thank you for your reply. I agree things would change if we crossed the line and not for the better. Things are different between us after our disclosure which I should say my disclosure to him. He simply agreed he feels the same way. I think he is scared to death of doing something wrong which while I know is right thing to do still pisses me off because he lacks courage. He is hot and cold since our special talk. One day he is all I am working on my marriage and want to have a second baby with my wife and the next day he is all flirty and emotional and intimate. So I agree things would just get worse if we do anything. Complicating everything is the fact that he is my boss and already people are talking I am his favorite. Despite all this, i just melt when I see him. If he did make a move, I won't be able to resist. So I guess I should be thankful he will never have the xxlls to make that move.

 

Please don't look at it that he lacks courage or has no balls. He's trying to do the right thing here. And I speak from experience, as one who was involved in an EA with a MM (my friend's husband) and the day we finally told each other how we felt, we also crossed the line physically (although we did not have sex, we were physical with each other). This happened one other time after that (again crossing the line but not actual sex) and then I lost his friendship forever because of what we had done and because he is a good man who didn't want to destroy his marriage, destroy my marriage, hurt me, hurt his wife, hurt himself and all our kids...he knew that if we tried to go on as friends the temptation would be too great and we would end up causing that destruction. I have wished many times that we never would have crossed the line, that he wouldn't have had the balls to start what I never would have if he hadn't touched me first...because now I will never forget how it was when he held me in his arms so tight I could hardly breathe, now I will never forget...anything, everything, and he is lost to me forever. and I miss him every day.

[herself]

Oh exactly exactly my point...no matter Little Mermaid the great experience it seems the price paid is so much higher. I regret not seeing my fantasies come to fruition but I feel I would hate myself for losing it....as I already have to an extent, the great friendship.

I dont know it might have been worth it too!

Ugh these things, they're all crazy.

Its the chemistry hormones forbidden sex...its all sexy...and a draw...but I guess just not healthy and that sucks.

[littlemermaid]

Oh exactly exactly my point...no matter Little Mermaid the great experience it seems the price paid is so much higher. I regret not seeing my fantasies come to fruition but I feel I would hate myself for losing it....as I already have to an extent, the great friendship.

I dont know it might have been worth it too!

Ugh these things, they're all crazy.

Its the chemistry hormones forbidden sex...its all sexy...and a draw...but I guess just not healthy and that sucks.

 

I know! Believe me...and he and even talked about this, how much we wanted what we wanted, and more, everything...but...HE knew that the price would be too high if we continued. As it was, the price we paid was STILL too high, in my opinion--losing him forever, to never see his face again, or the way he would hug me every time we said hello...now gone forever because we acknowledged what was there.

[Nattie]

Ohh yeah, the sex is THAT good. He does more to me with his words than any other man could do with physical touch. The type of sex that keeps you awake at night because you can't stop replaying it in your mind...

[herself]

Well I agree with the words...ohhh wow did he know how to describe everything I ever wanted a guy to do to me in my WILDEST fantasy...but in the end its just, we never went there. The emotional bond was WAY in tact and we were CLOSE but in person...oddly platonic cause we met in safe public places and stuck to safer topics.

It was a crazy good time seeming innocent enough that no one got hurt.

Im pretty sure in his eyes since I got married first and he never made a move when he could...that maybe I was the one who got away and he was living out with me what could havr been...who knows. Still wish I got that kiss. Even thats terribly wrong I suppose but...I earned it. Sigh.

[yakamoz]

I know what all you're saying is true but it is so painful to see him everyday and see the desire in his eyes and not be able to touch him - it is killing me. I resent the fact that he is off limits because society deemed we belong to others as if we are some chattel. I do appreciate what he is trying to do and I love his strong character but I am so tired of suffering like this. I never wanted anyone I in my life as much as I wanted him. I don't believe sex would be good because it is forbidden or whatever. I believe it would be amazing because we have the most amazing sexual chemistry between us. I have wanted him from the first moment I met him and have been obsessed about him since. Sorry about this vent, I am so frustrated about our situation. Seems like we are stuck in same place and can't move on.

[littlemermaid]

I know what all you're saying is true but it is so painful to see him everyday and see the desire in his eyes and not be able to touch him - it is killing me. I resent the fact that he is off limits because society deemed we belong to others as if we are some chattel. I do appreciate what he is trying to do and I love his strong character but I am so tired of suffering like this. I never wanted anyone I in my life as much as I wanted him. I don't believe sex would be good because it is forbidden or whatever. I believe it would be amazing because we have the most amazing sexual chemistry between us. I have wanted him from the first moment I met him and have been obsessed about him since. Sorry about this vent, I am so frustrated about our situation. Seems like we are stuck in same place and can't move on.

 

I feel your pain, I felt exactly the same way for a long time and sometimes I still do, if I allow myself to think about it I still want him so much sometimes it brings me to my knees. I know for a fact that if we would have done it, that it would have been the most amazing sex ever...the desire that was between us was something that words can't describe, the same as what you are experiencing. The only thing that has helped me is to remember a few things, and those things are that I care more about him, love him more than just wanting his body and what is between us...he told me that even if we were never caught, he would not be able to live with himself knowing that he had broken the vows he made, that if we were ever to be together he wanted it to be the right way, even if that meant in this lifetime it wasn't going to be...he begged me with tears in his eyes to help him to do the "right" thing and be the man he always thought he was...one that would never lie, cheat, sneak around...and as much as I wanted him then and still do today, I wanted more to not be the cause of that destruction, not only the potential destruction of our marriages, but the destruction of his very soul. I wanted him to love me. Not hate me for what I made him become.

[yakamoz]

I feel your pain, I felt exactly the same way for a long time and sometimes I still do, if I allow myself to think about it I still want him so much sometimes it brings me to my knees. I know for a fact that if we would have done it, that it would have been the most amazing sex ever...the desire that was between us was something that words can't describe, the same as what you are experiencing. The only thing that has helped me is to remember a few things, and those things are that I care more about him, love him more than just wanting his body and what is between us...he told me that even if we were never caught, he would not be able to live with himself knowing that he had broken the vows he made, that if we were ever to be together he wanted it to be the right way, even if that meant in this lifetime it wasn't going to be...he begged me with tears in his eyes to help him to do the "right" thing and be the man he always thought he was...one that would never lie, cheat, sneak around...and as much as I wanted him then and still do today, I wanted more to not be the cause of that destruction, not only the potential destruction of our marriages, but the destruction of his very soul. I wanted him to love me. Not hate me for what I made him become.

 

Thank you for this. I do get it and despite my vent, I love him too much to hurt him. I know he really wants me and sometimes that is enough for me. Other days, I feel so frustrated and trapped. Part of the reason why I love him is because I think he has an honest character so how could I blame him because he doesn't want to be a cheater. At the same time, in the early days, before I became so limerent for him, it was a just crush on my part. It would have stayed that way if he didn't encourage my feelings. All his flirting and complements and long talks and longful gazes brought us to where we are today. And he still continues. If he is so honest, why not just cut contact? I try to do that all the time but he won't let me withdraw myself from him. I am really exhausted from all this. I want him to either have sex with me (even if just once) or let me go.

[littlemermaid]

Thank you for this. I do get it and despite my vent, I love him too much to hurt him. I know he really wants me and sometimes that is enough for me. Other days, I feel so frustrated and trapped. Part of the reason why I love him is because I think he has an honest character so how could I blame him because he doesn't want to be a cheater. At the same time, in the early days, before I became so limerent for him, it was a just crush on my part. It would have stayed that way if he didn't encourage my feelings. All his flirting and complements and long talks and longful gazes brought us to where we are today. And he still continues. If he is so honest, why not just cut contact? I try to do that all the time but he won't let me withdraw myself from him. I am really exhausted from all this. I want him to either have sex with me (even if just once) or let me go.

 

I understand this too. We were at that point too and to be honest, I was the one who put us in the situation for something to happen once and for all because I wanted to know, for sure, that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. And I got my answer, he practically attacked me, it was insanely crazy, that day. I actually begged him the second time we were together to just do it, please, just once and then never again. He looked at me like I had just ripped his heart out of his chest and said that he could never, ever do that, that he could never just f*** me once and let me go, that there were feelings and this was part of the reason why it couldn't happen at all as long as we were both still married to other people. I thought, and still do honestly, that I could have dealt with the later pain and I wished to have just done it anyway...except for what it would have done to him.

 

Your MM sounds very similar to mine. Difficult as it may be, you may be best served to pull away for a while if you want to save your friendship. Mine went to extreme lengths to keep himself away from me and ensure that we would never be alone together, or even together not-alone, again. He knew that he couldn't trust himself, so he removed himself from me completely, which is one of the most painful things that ever happened to me. I wanted to know if he wanted me...and I got my answer. Yes. So much so that once he had decided he couldn't break his marriage vow, he made sure to never ever see me again. He was one of the closest people to me. My children adored him. They still ask me why they don't get to see him anymore. His name is a knife in my heart.

[yakamoz]

I understand this too. We were at that point too and to be honest, I was the one who put us in the situation for something to happen once and for all because I wanted to know, for sure, that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. And I got my answer, he practically attacked me, it was insanely crazy, that day. I actually begged him the second time we were together to just do it, please, just once and then never again. He looked at me like I had just ripped his heart out of his chest and said that he could never, ever do that, that he could never just f*** me once and let me go, that there were feelings and this was part of the reason why it couldn't happen at all as long as we were both still married to other people. I thought, and still do honestly, that I could have dealt with the later pain and I wished to have just done it anyway...except for what it would have done to him.

 

Your MM sounds very similar to mine. Difficult as it may be, you may be best served to pull away for a while if you want to save your friendship. Mine went to extreme lengths to keep himself away from me and ensure that we would never be alone together, or even together not-alone, again. He knew that he couldn't trust himself, so he removed himself from me completely, which is one of the most painful things that ever happened to me. I wanted to know if he wanted me...and I got my answer. Yes. So much so that once he had decided he couldn't break his marriage vow, he made sure to never ever see me again. He was one of the closest people to me. My children adored him. They still ask me why they don't get to see him anymore. His name is a knife in my heart.

 

Sending you hugs! I know exactly how you feel. Our MMs sound similar but I am usually the one trying to pull myself away. I know what an unhealthy relationship this is. It turned me into some emotional, neurotic woman that I no longer recognize. I sometimes wonder if he is waiting for me to make the first move. He is a very attractive man and he is used to women adoring him. When I disclose my feelings, he'll agree with me and encourage me but when it comes to showing me what he feels, he is MIA. I think he wants me to make the move so he can later justify that I went after him. I don't know, I am so confused. How did I get myself into this mess, I am still wondering. I tried shutting my body down and going celibate so I can distance myself from this insane attraction but it didn't last very long. He can look at me across the room and I am gone.

[MayP]

Please don't look at it that he lacks courage or has no balls. He's trying to do the right thing here. And I speak from experience, as one who was involved in an EA with a MM (my friend's husband) and the day we finally told each other how we felt, we also crossed the line physically (although we did not have sex, we were physical with each other). This happened one other time after that (again crossing the line but not actual sex) and then I lost his friendship forever because of what we had done and because he is a good man who didn't want to destroy his marriage, destroy my marriage, hurt me, hurt his wife, hurt himself and all our kids...he knew that if we tried to go on as friends the temptation would be too great and we would end up causing that destruction. I have wished many times that we never would have crossed the line, that he wouldn't have had the balls to start what I never would have if he hadn't touched me first...because now I will never forget how it was when he held me in his arms so tight I could hardly breathe, now I will never forget...anything, everything, and he is lost to me forever. and I miss him every day.

 

You made the strangest point. Since MM left, many times I questioned why he had no guts to tell me. Years... Many years we had together and he had to say just soon before leaving the country. Although perhaps what is still gripping me on is knowing his character- he wants to do the right things. How can I blame what I love him for? I am ironic.