Divorcing the deadbeat

[jakrbbt]

 

What I see here is a transition from the "denial stage" to the "anger stage." and too, when you are trying to seek a modicum of affection via extension of funds, that might be considered some "bargaining" on your part.

 

 

As they say in Latin and also sometimes in PG Wodedhouse, "rem acu tetigisti." --You hit the nail on the head Yas. I hope I don't try to "bargain" the marriage back after the divorce, and also, isn't depression one of the stages of grief? But anyway, yes, I am now angry. Mostly at myself and some of course at my husband. Not my most favorite emotional state to be in.

 

Also .. . Ph.D you say? Graduate school? You interest me strangely. Academia is a lifelong dream of mine. I'll pm you later with probably a barrage of annoying questions. A couple years ago I looked into getting my phD while working as an attorney, can't remember what the roadblock was. Maybe it no longer exists.

[Yasuandio]

Yas is a psychic.

 

I have a huge neon palm fixure that glows in my living room window. Answering questions is my business. Yas

[Astrolink]

Technically, in the court's eyes, he's a stay at home parent. Chances are high he will get custody and you could end up with every other weekend. You would then pay child support, possibly alimony. Affordability isn't part of the CS equation, could play a part in alimony. You will owe him 1/2 of any retirement funds accumulated during the marriage. Same goes for 1/2 the assets. Unless there is a substancial settlement, you may also be ordered to pay his attorney's fees if he has no income.

 

Being married to someone that doesn't work is always a financial burden upon the the one that works when divorce. Best of luck to you.

[jakrbbt]

Can't help but come back to this thread now, because it is HARD sometimes. Husband just thwarted an effort I made in the parenting arena, then gave me the humiliating silent treatment and went to bed. Face in ipad all evening.

 

The thing is, why do his behaviors still affect me? They should be irrelevant at this point if we are truly going to divorce.

 

I'm waiting to file. I'm waiting until he agrees or at least accepts it. I'm waiting until our super good long-time friend (really our only mutual friend) comes to visit in a couple weeks. Until I increase my production at work for a few months. Until our counselor talks us around to the place where I say it just isn't working out and I've tried long enough. And with my lawyer's blessing, waiting until our lease is up so that I can renew it without him on it (or move).

 

From a legal standpoint, I do have some time. But if I'm honest, I just cannot do it yet. The biggest impediment is that I fear hugely that my husband will be mad at me for filing. So, OK, I can let it marinate. I'll get there. I was never the one to jump straight off the high-dive without staring into the pool for ten minutes. But in the meantime, here I am living with this. Trying to function.

 

I've made some good inroads with working more hours and volunteering, and I was actually invited to join a prestigious committee today in fact, by people I did not know knew I existed. I won a big case last week. I ran 4 days in a row, fast and far. But every time my husband angers me and I let it go, I feel like he thinks he can keep doing it. What a nuisance our relationship has become. Just need to get through the . . . the what? Is there ever a good time to file?

Edited August 14, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Tbisb74]

"The person who deliberates fully before taking each step

Will spend their entire life on one leg."

 

Hya hoppity!

[Zeurich]

Those of you who have divorced a person who did not help out with income, chores, budget, administrative stuff et c, . . . is it any harder after divorce? Or is it better? Just as hard but different?

Well I got my divorce 5 yrs back. My life was similar what you have mention up. Yes I don't want to lie. It is hard after the divorce. My ex support or does not care and he stopped pay mortgage too. How ever all those are I feel much happy relaxed and free minded after the de divorce.I rather being single mom is much better than living with a puppet named "my husband"

I am angry. I need to vent a little. I am embarrassed and resentful that I married someone so obstructive. I got myself into a mess. My husband does watch our toddler while I'm at work, and that's all he does. No emotional or financial support or help with anything else.

Being angry does not solve anything. Cool down. Think exactly what you want. What are the positive things he doe and what are not. After divorce it is important to live with out no regrets. Looking after a toddler is difficult and I know that for men it is not like us.Being females we have ability to do many things at the same time but men are not. My ex did baby sit too. Just tight my daughter in to the feeding chair and he was chatting with girls even we were married.

And when H watches our son, he's sweet to him but quite lazy about it-- e.g., won't feed him any food that takes preparation or makes a mess, EVER, won't do anything relating to his care except basically babysit him, won't watch him at all when I'm not at work, won't let him play with anything that might make a mess, at all, ever. There is a difference between parenting and babysitting. He babysits, then IMMEDIATELY bolts when I get home and all weekend.

Kids make messes and they learn from it. . I am not going to comment on this.

 

He does no chores. None at all-- no grocery shopping, administrative stuff, dishes or laundry et c et c. I have to drag our son around with me to various stores. H says he can't do anything because he has our son, but that makes no sense because then I end up doing all those same things while I have our son-- it's not like I can do the laundry while I'm at work. And he goes on and on and on, to anyone who will listen, about how much work he does watching our son and how hard it is. Yes, it is both meaningful and difficult to watch a toddler. But I do it at least as much as he does (actually more, both hours-wise and in terms of parenting-type tasks). And my mother, who had seven children and full-time parented us, is not impressed by his martyr comments.

Have ever talked to your husband about this? I mean did you let him know how you feel being servant in your own house? With out letting him know how you feel about working and doing all the other things dropping it here does not help. Talk to him. see what happens.

 

There are many more problems, interpersonal ones, but this is what has me angry tonight. It's like having a teenager-- I'll nag him for three days to spend three minutes unloading a dishwasher. It's easier to do it myself. He is incredibly sweet to me just before asking me to give him money for something he wants, the rest of the time he is surly or ignores me. Yet I leap at the chance to be friendly with him and I always give him the things he wants, so I can have a bit of affection.

well why you cannot make a deal? you pay reasonable amount for house chores + babysitting, I understand that he home dad right? Just try that if he does not do the work you wont pay, how about that?

 

How dismaying to be married to basically a teenager, (he's 41), after I spent many years being so choosy and befriending and seriously dating a number of active, mature, considerate men.

as if you saying you were choosy how come you chosen this puppet? Sorry but is not that true?

 

I have to get my head out of this pity-party and just leave. It is hard to do. I desperately want him to know that he is in the wrong, and to apologize. How dumb is that? Yet I want it so badly, I keep doing stupid things based on that desire, such as dropping hints to him and dragging myself to counseling sessions that have not worked for years, just to try to get him to help out a bit even though I know I would like a divorce in the end. I just want him to say that it isn't my job to do all the chores even though I am the only breadwinner just because I am a woman.

Dragging your self for counseling how can that help? as far if you did not spoken to your husband about how you feel. And how come you wanted him to say sorry if he does not know that he is doing something wrong to you?

 

If I just divorce him, he'll probably have to get a job, but it's hard to imagine. (And no, I won't be ordered to pay enough alimony to support him, even if we were married long enough for that which we aren't, I don't make enough money. I've seen a lawyer a few times and gotten solid information on all that.)

Going for a divorce is easy but I don't see any single sentences about what you did to make your marriage work except complaining. You cannot be so sure that you wont be ordered not to pay partner alimony. It depend on the judges and also the lawyer of him. If you want the right answer ask more than one lawyer and a specialized one with family law.

 

He told me tonight quite proudly that he once, long before we were married, turned down a very well-paying job (he's never had one) just because he thought he'd find it unfulfilling. The problem with that attitude is, he did not turn it down for a fulfilling job. He turned it down for no job. Apparently he thinks that unemployment is more fulfilling. He believes himself to be above any kind of work that isn't "meaningful" to him, yet, unlike me, he has not been willing to work hard in school and/or do the bottom-rung jobs to get toward the top. He envies me for having my job. I worked hard in college, worked four jobs during college, worked damn hard in law school and afterward. I want him to stop taking me for granted and either help out, or go see someone about why he can't pull his weight. I gotta let that go.

so you were being a law student?And are you a lawyer now? So why you don't make an agreement with him? Like giving him dead line to find what ever the job? Seems he is very much used to wife's doll.

 

If I divorce him, the only thing I'll have to do that I don't have to do now is get my son ready for day care and drop him off there before work and all the things that come with dealing with day care in general. (I have one pretty much picked out, very nearby.) I know my husband will want to have him a lot of the time, but I'm not sure what times we'd work out, because I have no idea what his work schedule would be or even if he'd work in town. I'd be a single mother, but I pretty much am now.

you confuse me now. But does that matter if he wants to be with your child he is the father. once you said he does not work. and there you say you don't know his working schedule, so he works? or not?

Am I deluded? Is it actually a whole lot harder to be a divorced mother than to be married to an inactive noncontributing spouse? I know that single mothers have a harsh transition, but I gather that a lot of that is due to losing financial support and having to go back to work. I've always gotten by on my own paycheck.

,Don't get me wrong. Try to work your marriage out before you go for a divorce.Because if you are divorcing for not doing house chorus and rest other stuff even with out talking to him , then it is not fair in my view.

And then there is that whole matter of having some hope for a better future.

why you don't like to hope for the present , hope to work your marriage out? Single mother with a toddler is not easy. So do the right think take the decision on your head.

 

Getting divorce is not the point, how hard you tried to work it out is important not to have regrets, if I were you,this is what I do,

*Stop nagging

*do house chorus together while toddler around

*Talk to him how I feel about he not helping out for anything and not interested in getting in to a job.

* Propose to go for marriage counseling instead of go for counseling alone.

 

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there ever a good time to file?

 

Based on all the excuses you've invented below, one would say "no".

 

I'm waiting to file. I'm waiting until he agrees or at least accepts it. I'm waiting until our super good long-time friend (really our only mutual friend) comes to visit in a couple weeks. Until I increase my production at work for a few months. Until our counselor talks us around to the place where I say it just isn't working out and I've tried long enough. And with my lawyer's blessing, waiting until our lease is up so that I can renew it without him on it (or move).

 

I'd ask instead "When is it right to file" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

If there is a 'perfect' time to file D (I tend to discount any sort of perfection in this area), it'll be upon the counsel of a competent attorney, who gets all the ducks in a row and executes, based on the particulars of the client's circumstances and the statutes of their jurisdiction. Other than demonstrated legal reasons for 'waiting', my general feeling is that 'now' is the right time to file, if D has been on one's mind for some time, as it apparently has. The lawsuit details can be addressed downstream and the suit can be dropped at any time.

 

If you filed today, what's your most clear and present fear? Identify it and work it. That's your mission. Good luck!

[jakrbbt]

Based on all the excuses you've invented below, one would say "no".

 

 

 

I'd ask instead "When is it right to file" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Excellent distinction. Why did I not think of that? I will think of the answer, but it already looks somewhere between" soon" and" not just when I want to."

[jakrbbt]

And Zeurich, thank you for your considerate response, some good advice in there. I don't blame you for not reading my other threads (I've posted several and didn't explain the whole situation in this latest one). But in a nutshell, ohhhhhhhh yes I've told my problems or tried to anyway, many times, many ways, not nagging, for years, and with four different marriage counselors. He is explicitly clear: He does not want to hear it. And I have my legal advice in hand too. This thread is more about the difficulty of moving forward from here. I'm so relieved to hear you say that even though it is hard, you feel more free after divorce. I am hoping I can too.

[jakrbbt]

If there is a 'perfect' time to file D (I tend to discount any sort of perfection in this area), it'll be upon the counsel of a competent attorney, who gets all the ducks in a row and executes, based on the particulars of the client's circumstances and the statutes of their jurisdiction. Other than demonstrated legal reasons for 'waiting', my general feeling is that 'now' is the right time to file, if D has been on one's mind for some time, as it apparently has. The lawsuit details can be addressed downstream and the suit can be dropped at any time.

 

If you filed today, what's your most clear and present fear? Identify it and work it. That's your mission. Good luck!

 

Yes, that is good advice. I think that my fear is the whole thing. Being in an adversarial relationship with someone who is so close to me. I fear he'll get angry and that our baby will somehow suffer. Not abuse, but more along the lines of keeping him from me in small or big ways.

 

I have to just take it in pieces. Every day, I'll do something to get ready for the divorce.

 

Tonight am nervous because of a new little event. Not for the first time, h has made something up that he says I said. This time it is not even close to the truth. What is his motive for all the dishonesty—and dishonesty about me? I do not trust him.

 

Last night I read an article to him about parenting, and he did not exactly agree, which was fine, but I felt he was quite rude about it. That was alright too. Then when I tried to say something nice, he interrupted me twice in a row, again, very rudely, spitting out the words like I was some impertinent slave who had no business being in "his" room. He had also been on his ipad the entire evening.

 

After the rude interruptions, I blurted out: “You have no respect for me whatsoever.” I walked away. He went to bed without saying goodnight, and this evening he again ignored me all evening: either shut up in his room, gone somewhere in his car, or for sitting on his bed with the ipad.

 

He did come downstairs before bed. I lightheartedly asked why he was being “mean.” He told me that I had been mean.

 

He then said: “You were mean last night when you told me that you didn’t respect me whatsoever.”

 

I was bewildered, but nice about it. Then I remembered. I told him exactly what had happened and what I’d said. He refused to acknowledge that I was being accurate or truthful. What is he playing at? For one thing, he knows I’d never say that. It’s just not something I’d say. Nor did I say it. He knows that—he was there. And even if he mis-remembered, he did not entertain for one second the idea that he could have been mistaken. That makes it seem more likely that he’s sticking to a story he has invented. Plus, I just know him. His demeanor while carrying out some plan is familiar to me. But what's he up to?

 

More than once, he has described his past self as a “borderline con artist.” I do not trust him. He’s been highly manipulative and lied to his family about me. How did I ever get involved with someone who does that kind of thing? He breaches my trust and my privacy. He photographs me and my supposed “messes” and texts them to his family, without me even knowing there was any supposed mess. (Like that tiny coffee spill on the cupboard.)

 

 

He used to photograph me naked or in embarrassing situations without my permission, and over my repeated objections, and he’d send some of the photos to his sister (not the naked ones) (that I know of). It has tapered off but I've caught him sneaking more invasive photos a couple times and he is blatantly unapologetic when I ask him to stop. I can’t live like this in my own house. I need basic privacy and trust. I feel it is quickly becoming extremely unwise for me to stay in the same house with this person. I don’t see where he has demonstrated any care or respect for me, nor is he maintaining basic honesty.

 

A final consideration: If he is willing to lie to me, knowing that I’m aware he’s lying, then staying married cannot be his goal. That is not what a person does who wants to keep someone around. He has some other reason. I hate this. I hate not trusting someone.

 

But the whole point is I'm reminding myself that I must move forward. If I can't do it, then I'll do one tiny piece of it. I'll to to the courthouse and get the dissolution of marriage form. That one piece. Tomorrow, I'll think of one other piece. I can do that much.

Edited August 15, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Yasuandio]

Young lady, with your status, do you need this guy having possession of such photos? Also the ones you mentioned before of you sleeping? Who know what images he has stored away on that IPad. Taking unauthorized nude, embarrassing or helpless photos sounds more like borderline pervert, and perhaps borderline illegal.

 

As a survivor of a serious assault (almost raped) at gunpoint - it is possible, since he is your husband, you do not want to believe how problematic this photography hobby could might be. He has an angry streak in him - and you are at least aware of "some" transmission of these images. Now, think about you career - and the upcoming cases. Suppose one of these photos emerged while you were trying a case with media coverage? Something like thT could ruin your career.

 

All the more reason to have his computer taken to a forensics expert - tell the attorney right away about this activity. You have no idea how he may have posed you in your sleep. That is really weird. He is a really weird guy. Yet, you insist on sitting next to him and reading him an article on parenting. What a bizarre story you are painting, honey.

 

I'm thinking his iPad needs to be taken from him by a police authority. To first protect you, and then to make sure there are no weird photos of your child on there also.

 

He told you who he is - you should believe him, and get the heck out of there, with your baby. The crime he has done with these illicit photographs is very uncool - and needs to be reseached. I tod you, get a nanny cam in there. I he is weird with you, weird with sister, what makes you think he might not be weird with the baby too? If he is so crazy for the baby, why he walks out as soon as you get home? (Maybe photo session is over). I wouldn't put it past him. Who knows.

 

Sick, sick, sick. Get out of denial, and try to stop spoon-feeding us with this pervert's crap, and bad faith. You have to get proactive and wake up. And you NEED evidence so you get custody from this weirdo. Fake it until the day you have the new place set-up.

 

Nanny cam in a room or two, and VAR's in the car and a couple rooms in the house where he talks on the phone. Have him shadowed one night when he takes his usual leave. You will get the story real quick. Then, with advice from attorney, have him arrested for the photographs (they can take his laptop in for examination), and leave. He is confident that you are such a sweet fool that would NEVER do any of these things I'm suggesting - that is why he is so flagrant. Wakie, wakie, reverse the con.

 

When you know the truth, either way, pieces will fall into place, decisions will become simple, easy-breezy. Yas

 

P.S. Sweets, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT. I swear, on a stack of Bibles, I don't want to be close to right. But I really believe this guy has some pervert in him - and you cannot begin to assess or measure the degree of perversion when you're emotions are mixed up in it.

Edited August 15, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

Hmm regarding the pictures, my impression was more that he looked up to me so much in the past, and so he thought that it was cute to see me in some kind of domestic disarray so he took the photos. Sort of a "she's imperfect, haha" stupid thing. That is the impression he gave. I don't think I'm up to spying on him at this point. I will think about some kind of monitoring, in case I'm lacking perspective. But I do need to stop the complaining and do something. I need to file.

 

It's Friday night. He'll be leaving tomorrow morning and will be gone until late Sunday night, somewhere past midnight. He picked up some hours at an old job in our old city, two hours away. It'll be toddler and me all weekend. I am going to get us some finger paints and we're going to make a MESS!!! This week was very tiring for me, about 5 hrs sleep per night and busy at work. So it will be a good test. If I'm not overwhelmed with the weekend as a single parent, then good. I don't see how I would be, he is not much help on the weekends as it is.

 

It's just HARD. I need to know it will get better after we split, not worse.

 

I was a nanny in the past, a bit of an overworked one but happy-- at one point I had five children including one baby in my charge all day, every day. I did that alone for years. I know it's not the same, but still, toddlers are very familiar territory for me. I'm beginning to suspect I'll be better at single-parenthood than I am at marriage or, for that matter, divorce.

[Yasuandio]

I wrote you a long post about this, that I thought it was perverted:

 

[Response to Carhill] He used to photograph me naked or in embarrassing situations without my permission, and over my repeated objections, and he’d send some of the photos to his sister (not the naked ones) (that I know of). It has tapered off but I've caught him sneaking more invasive photos a couple times and he is blatantly unapologetic when I ask him to stop.

 

Here is your later response to my reaction about the photography:

 

Hmm regarding the pictures, my impression was more that he looked up to me so much in the past, and so he thought that it was cute to see me in some kind of domestic disarray so he took the photos. Sort of a "she's imperfect, haha" stupid thing. That is the impression he gave.

 

Honey, do you see the disconnect? "Haha??" WHAT! Haha? That is your take now. but, still on the topic of photography, responding to Carhill, you stated:

 

I can’t live like this in my own house. I need basic privacy and trust. I feel it is quickly becoming extremely unwise for me to stay in the same house with this person.

 

Yep, unwise, alright. That was the basic premise that stimulated my post. I realize I have a paranoid side to my personality, and I most often take an extreme position, and extreme caution. But, in most cases, paranoia is based in REALITY. I'm really worried about the photos this guy has stored up, and their possible distribution, that could endanger your future career. And, I am concerned about how deeply warped his mind could be, to be sure, what he is doing is unlawful, a crime. He persisted to shoot "nude and embarrassing" images of you against your protests - what a hidious personal invasion. What else might he do (or have done that you don't know about?). Forget it. I'm repeating myself.

 

The point of this post is to contrast the bomb you dropped, with the bomb you "undropped." That's all. I would ask you, is that becoming a habit, Jkrbbit? (no offense intended). Yas

Edited August 17, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Mr. Lucky]

He used to photograph me naked or in embarrassing situations without my permission, and over my repeated objections, and he’d send some of the photos to his sister (not the naked ones) (that I know of). It has tapered off but I've caught him sneaking more invasive photos a couple times and he is blatantly unapologetic when I ask him to stop.

 

Given the proliferation of sites with names like "getevenwithmyex.com", Yas's caution is well-founded. I'd be paranoid and very diligent in my efforts to recover content on hard drives, portable devices, etc...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Given the proliferation of sites with names like "getevenwithmyex.com", Yas's caution is well-founded. I'd be paranoid and very diligent in my efforts to recover content on hard drives, portable devices, etc...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

OMG, Mr. Lucky, are you ever right! Many outstanding and clever ideas, from one end of the continum to the other. There are tons of "helpful" sites. These helpful sites are of particular interest because they offer undetectable means to deliver one's revenge. Oh, my. For instance, one site will do any of the following for a moderate, affordable fee:

 

1. They will call you ex and say whatever you want, and recording is included.

 

2. They will send a package from any foreign country with a CD (or anything) that has a problematic or threatening message on it, in a strange foreign voice that will be unrecognizable, of course. You can come up with what goes on CD.

 

3. They will send odd SMS's from different numbers at strange intervals.

 

4. Sick, twisted, wrapped gifts (from you - anonymous), such as a bottle of wine that contained urine, a box of dog shyt, used condo, used tampon, soiled underwear, the list goes on. They can include a gift card with a sarcastic message, if you wish.

 

5. This is bad. They have a genus Digital Photo Artist on staff. You send in 1 to 3 photographs and they promise to create: "a photograph of them with another person, in a compromising pose, being violated or anything else you can think of. Oh dear.

 

6. Email from fake sender (to their office, etc.).

 

7. 30 Second Video - you select the character - they are all weird, I only recognized that Bevis Buthead kid. You can make up 30 seconds of information the character will say to or about your ex.

 

8. An advertising campaign for their sexual service.

 

Some of this stuff is pretty scary. This site is called "getrevengeonyoures.com"

 

Dude, I never knew something like this existed. I have had fabuilous ideas - but I was too chicken about getting caught. I'm past all that now, good thing I didn't know about these types of sites a few years back. Maybe I should add to Critical Readings? Haha. Not. Yas

Edited August 17, 2014 by Yasuandio