Author Beachbum1979 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 Gearing up to have a serious talk with my Husband. Then I think everyone is right I need to share with the OW husband and let him know all that has been going on. I would want to know if roles were reversed. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Gearing up to have a serious talk with my Husband. Then I think everyone is right I need to share with the OW husband and let him know all that has been going on. I would want to know if roles were reversed. Smart. Glad you're taking action. Let us know how it goes. Sending you positive energy - stay strong and know that cheaters lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Got to say my jaw hit the floor on this one and the comments about the sexting and then her kissing him at his mothers funeral left me gobsmacked. What has happened is a friendship crossed boundary lines some time ago and has turned into an affair. (She kissed his neck at a funeral!!!!!) I think you have been troubled about this for awhile but ignored all these signals flashing in your brain. You've ignored all of your instincts for too long and only noticed when she practically tongued your husband in front of you. I think that the advice on here has been quite tame given some of the responses that BS's often receive. My 2 cents... The friendship is over, done, finished! Show the other husband the sexting and see how much he wants to remain good friends with your H. You should smack that womans face so hard it makes her fillings fall out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Gearing up to have a serious talk with my Husband. Then I think everyone is right I need to share with the OW husband and let him know all that has been going on. I would want to know if roles were reversed. We all would want to know. After my ex-wife's affair surfaced, I was nearly as angry at those who'd known as I was at her... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 How did the talk with your H go Beachbum? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachbum1979 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 I sat down with my H last night and had a talk with him about the text messages and the OW. It went surprisingly well and I knew that she had not said anything to him because he became very emotional. Saying how sorry he was and he knew if I found out I would not like it. That he wasn't sure why he did it exactly but thought it was mostly for the attention and just knowing someone else was attracted to him. He swore nothing further happened and we even called the OW with him talking saying that I knew. She didn't know I was listening and she said she was sorry it had to come to an end. That she wanted more from him and wished they could keep up the relationship without me knowing. That is when he told her I was listening and that they could no longer have any type of relationship. Friendship or otherwise. She quickly hung up. I am sure she was embarrassed but I don't care. I then called her husband and told him everything. He was going to look through her phone and he called me today to let me know she had been doing the same thing to another friend of his. I don't know what they are going to do about their relationship but my husband has agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor. We have our first appt on Monday. Crossing my fingers this all works out. He even brought me his phone tonight and sat next to me as he went through the messages he had received from her. It will take a log time to get the trust back but I am willing to work on it and so is he. Thank you all for your advice even though I did not want to hear some of it. It was truly a help! 10 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I sat down with my H last night and had a talk with him about the text messages and the OW. It went surprisingly well and I knew that she had not said anything to him because he became very emotional. Saying how sorry he was and he knew if I found out I would not like it. That he wasn't sure why he did it exactly but thought it was mostly for the attention and just knowing someone else was attracted to him. He swore nothing further happened and we even called the OW with him talking saying that I knew. She didn't know I was listening and she said she was sorry it had to come to an end. That she wanted more from him and wished they could keep up the relationship without me knowing. That is when he told her I was listening and that they could no longer have any type of relationship. Friendship or otherwise. She quickly hung up. I am sure she was embarrassed but I don't care. I then called her husband and told him everything. He was going to look through her phone and he called me today to let me know she had been doing the same thing to another friend of his. I don't know what they are going to do about their relationship but my husband has agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor. We have our first appt on Monday. Crossing my fingers this all works out. He even brought me his phone tonight and sat next to me as he went through the messages he had received from her. It will take a log time to get the trust back but I am willing to work on it and so is he. Thank you all for your advice even though I did not want to hear some of it. It was truly a help! Good on you beachbum! That must have taken some guts. All the best heading forward now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 That's a good start! I'm glad for you that counseling starts right away. Stay with it long term - get to the root of the issues and address changes openly. And please keep your eyes open to other ways they may be communicating. It may not end right away - an affair is addictive and certainly your H is expected to show signs of withdrawal, sadness and depression from not getting his "fix" from his OW. It would be nice if he will get more honest about why he felt the need to be secretive to you and to cause such harm to you and the marriage. Bring up tough issues in order to resolve them. Do not avoid talking through things to get to the other side. Hoping for growth for you two! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 So sorry you are in this position, you have been extremely considerate of your husbands affair. I am not sure that he appreciates the gravity of what he has done. I believe that I would consider consulting an attorney, just to define your legal position and let him know that you have done so. Let him know that any further indiscretions will have serious consequences. Have him block her number and write a no contact letter. This letter needs for him to address the hurt that they have done to you and OWH and his betrayal of his friends trust. I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work hard to fix the problems. This has to start with open honest communication. I hope that he appreciates your eagerness to forgive and puts in the work to repair the damage he has done. You have to realize she did wrong, but he is also culpable and needs to be your focus now. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Well done you! I think you've done a brilliant job and handled the whole thing really well. Good luck going forward. I was going to pipe up with this earlier, but every thing was wrapped up overnight. The OW's husband watched his wife's behaviour (excessive flirting etc), apologised for her behaviour at the funeral and then said - "oh she's doing/done this with someone else!". You should contact this man and tell him to seek advice on here! That is one messed up marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Happy to hear the encouraging news, beachbum! Your husband responded to you in the best way possible and hopefully this situation will bring you two closer to each other. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Try to forward the texts off his phone so you can save them. You never know you might need them in court. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I don't think the OW's husband can be an asset. She's done this before yet he didn't impose enough consequences on her to keep her from doing it again. She's not a gal that can be controlled. She hasn't changed. Cut her out of your lives like a cancer. She is the enemy and you must find out if your H is still communicating with her behind your back. Keep looking! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 How's the weekend been? You making any progress by communicating with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 The alcohol is the root cause. Let him continue to drink and your sorrows will never end. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Of course my husband had been drinking heavely please help me! The way that you say that with the "of course"... drinking heavily is not normal behavior. If I drank so much that I couldn't stand my wife wouldn't be holding me up... she would be kicking my a**. If I were that drunk at my moms funeral... they would end up needing two coffins. Why are you allowing this? All these replies and analysis. I'll tell you what I think when I read this, I read that your husband is acting like a drunk. Everything you describe.. just another drunk. You don't have to wonder why he did it or try to figure out anything. Take away the alcohol and you would have a completely different person. So the affair is ended. What have you got really? How long can this go on before something bad and irreversible happens? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 (edited) Has he always been a drinker? Maybe tell him it's over if he doesn't quit drinking. I'm not willing to blame the bad behavior on the alcohol. His behavior is only on him. But if he acted more appropriately while not drinking there's certainly good reason for him to never drink again. It's possible to quit. I was a BIG drinker - I'm sober now more than 6-1/2 years and I've never felt better. Edited August 5, 2014 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I'm left scratching my head over here wonder what has changed? Haven't you already confronted him about the text messages and things? Look, he can put on a show, call her, you call the OM's M etc, but it doesn't change his character. Sure, maybe you built some wall of NC between them, but its only a matter of time before he does it again. Somehow your brain is caught up in this particular situation, but this isn't a situation. It's one person (your husband) and he has a character defect. If you want to stay with someone who is capable of this, fine, but don't forget who he is. I suggest reading the Aesop fable. "the farmer and the viper." Farmer find snake, tries to help him and get's bitten. Farmer says "why did you do this me, I was trying to help you?" and the snake replies "what, you knew I was a snake!" Be careful nursing a snake back to health because you may get bitten. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 What's the latest update Beachbum? Has your H been in any contact with her? What are you two doing to help the M heal? Most importantly - what changes is your H making for the best interest of your M? Link to post Share on other sites
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