Syco Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 As for informing the OM's wife I am holding fire as my wife went with my wishes to leave her job. I wish you all the best moving forward, but if you do not tell the OM's wife you are an accomplice. She deserves to know. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I wish you all the best moving forward, but if you do not tell the OM's wife you are an accomplice. She deserves to know. OP has compromised with wife on this. Wife leaves work in exchange for not telling MM spouse. Not deliberately I don't think, but that's how the cards have fallen. Link to post Share on other sites
Running Man Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 She is not leaving the job to meet your needs, She is leaving the job to protects the OM's needs on her hands and knees again. This is another slap in the face. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 suckerpunch55, I believe you did the right thing in demanding that your wife quite her job. Bottom line is that it is up to your WW to do the heavy lifting and prove she is trustworthy again. I know that some do stay working at the same place with their AP and do this for many reasons. Sometimes the BS is okay with this while other times they are not. The truth is that if the BS is not okay with it then it is up to the WS to either quite and find another job or suffer the consequences and loose the marriage. A WS does not have the right to be forgiven nor dictate what the BS needs to overcome their hurt. If anything the WS should treat the marriage as being a very fragile thing for at least the next 5 years or more. The BS really has no moral obligation to remain with the WS nor even be faithful to the WS. So if a BS is remaining faithful or not divorcing that is a choice that the BS is making despite the WS's actions. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 suckerpunch55, The BS really has no moral obligation to remain with the WS nor even be faithful to the WS. So if a BS is remaining faithful or not divorcing that is a choice that the BS is making despite the WS's actions. I enjoy your posts revelations but I'm going to disagree on one point here. Two wrongs don't make a right. There is little point in R with WS if the BS feels they can just have an affair themselves. The whole point is trying to R the marriage. If BS tries R and feels it's to hard or that they can never trust the WS, then they can end the marriage if and when it suits them. But to just go off and have an affair is pointless and just as wrong as WS's original affair. A BS does have a moral obligation to remain faithful to the WS if they are both trying to make the marriage work. Sooner or later after all the aftermath, counselling and tears it is down to the BS to forgive and move on. If the plan is to endlessly doubt and bring up the affair over every argument 4 years down the line then what is the point? Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I enjoy your posts revelations but I'm going to disagree on one point here. Two wrongs don't make a right. There is little point in R with WS if the BS feels they can just have an affair themselves. The whole point is trying to R the marriage. If BS tries R and feels it's to hard or that they can never trust the WS, then they can end the marriage if and when it suits them. But to just go off and have an affair is pointless and just as wrong as WS's original affair. A BS does have a moral obligation to remain faithful to the WS if they are both trying to make the marriage work. Sooner or later after all the aftermath, counselling and tears it is down to the BS to forgive and move on. If the plan is to endlessly doubt and bring up the affair over every argument 4 years down the line then what is the point? Thanks Jackslife, However as I pointed out I said "Moral obligation", and actually when you come right down to it I would also say legal obligation sense the marriage contract was already broken by his WW. I will agree that if you are trying to repair the marriage and remain with an unfaithful partner then staying faithful is the way to go. I will point out that staying with a partner that is unfaithful is not a very wise choice in my opinion. So when I say that a BS has no obligation to the WS to remain faithful I mean that as if they will not stay with them or they are undecided. The thing is Jackslife is that most people on here will not agree with my perspective on infidelity. I know you have seen me argue at great lengths with other people on here over simple things such as me choosing to no longer date and the reasons for it. You may not agree with me on some things, which is okay in my book. The way I choose to handle a problem or react to a situation may not be the best course of action for everyone here. Like I said in a different post, to me a woman that cheats no longer holds any sexual value to me. So for me if I stayed with a cheating wife, the only way I would ever get laid again is to cheat. Honestly I would not feel bad in that case, however that is not what I did. I left my cheating wife and went and got laid. That is just the way I handled my situation. Did I feel any obligation to keep up my end of the marriage contract once I found out she broke it. Nope not one bit, as far as I was concerned that contract was null in void. Had I remarried her then yes, that new contract would stand. However why would I get a new contract with someone that could not meet the expectations of the old contract? Your good people Jackslife and I do enjoy reading what you write. However this may be a situation where we have to agree that we disagree. My perspectives may be just a little bit more harsh than yours due to my experiences in life. Some WW's may turn out to be a great wife for their BH or another man. However I am not one to risk it just because from what I have experienced once forgiven they will do it again. This is why I am a fan of forgive and leave. Too many times I have traced drama and heartache in my life to a woman. So for me they lost all value and I am simply indifferent to them on a relationship level. So I still stand by my statement that a BS does not owe a WW faithfulness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Well my wife went ahead and handed her notice in, I am pleased with that of course but just a little miffed that her company is holding her to a month's notice period, so just over 3 weeks before she's out of there and away from the OM. As for informing the OM's wife I am holding fire as my wife went with my wishes to leave her job. Most of you were quite right about informing his wife, should really have done it straight away I guess but I never make an instant decision without thinking long and hard about it. Only time will tell how this is going to pan out, good days and bad days still but I'm still hanging in there giving it my best shot. Most of us believe that informing the OM's wife is important because she deserves to know and it will help to insure NC. I think I would do it for revenge - period - but before I'm attacked let me admit that this is probably a bad reason to do it. Anyway, you thought long and hard so it is the right decision for you. I would ask you to consider how much influence your wife's sobbing and begging you to not tell her had on your decision. Of all the reason's not to tell her I think this one should not be considered by you. She obviously has a vested interest in keeping his wife in the dark whether its to keep the affair going or keep it warm to start up later or because she still loves OM and doesn't want to see him hurt. All bad reasons for you to keep quiet. But this is your decision and you need to do what you think is best for YOU right now. You can always tell her if circumstances change in the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Most of us believe that informing the OM's wife is important because she deserves to know and it will help to insure NC. I think I would do it for revenge - period - but before I'm attacked let me admit that this is probably a bad reason to do it. Anyway, you thought long and hard so it is the right decision for you. I would ask you to consider how much influence your wife's sobbing and begging you to not tell her had on your decision. Of all the reason's not to tell her I think this one should not be considered by you. She obviously has a vested interest in keeping his wife in the dark whether its to keep the affair going or keep it warm to start up later or because she still loves OM and doesn't want to see him hurt. All bad reasons for you to keep quiet. But this is your decision and you need to do what you think is best for YOU right now. You can always tell her if circumstances change in the future. I would let her know just for the health risks. But if this was the other way around wouldn't you want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 Wow. You are not telling the om wife as a compromise to a women that had sex with another man??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 (edited) She is not leaving the job to meet your needs, She is leaving the job to protects the OM's needs on her hands and knees again. This is another slap in the face. Not sure how you got to this conclusion but the OP has never actually said that he NEGOTIATED (i.e. blackmailed) his WS into quitting her job or he would expose the OM. What OP said was or DIVORCE. In fact the two responses: Expose the affair to the S of the OM, and quit seem to be completely independent, and the only reason they are being tied together her is your conflating them here in LS. If the WS has quit her job against her strongest desires, then it is not up to the LS community to draw a conclusion from this. Some people, even those who commit infidelity, have a strong desire NOT to extend the collateral damage of their stupidity as they go down in ashes. We have to entertain the possibility that she is quitting her job BECAUSE she just got an ultimatum from her H. (I believe this strategy will come back to haunt him if she never recovers her personal happiness in her work, but only time will tell) and we also have to consider that she seriously does not WANT to ruin a family with children just because she screwed up big time. Sure it's a calculated risk, but the OP knows his wife, and is there living through these emotional moments. Fact is, everything about his wife, and her behaviour is currently up for discussion, but the OP is the one to decide what to let pass, and what not. Edited August 8, 2014 by fellini 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 He said a few posts up that the reason he isn't telling OM wife is because she quite his job and he feels because she did that he should give in to her request. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 you really should reconsider telling this man's wife. what if the shoe where on the other foot... wouldn't you like you know? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 Well my wife went ahead and handed her notice in, I am pleased with that of course but just a little miffed that her company is holding her to a month's notice period, so just over 3 weeks before she's out of there and away from the OM. As for informing the OM's wife I am holding fire as my wife went with my wishes to leave her job. Most of you were quite right about informing his wife, should really have done it straight away I guess but I never make an instant decision without thinking long and hard about it. Only time will tell how this is going to pan out, good days and bad days still but I'm still hanging in there giving it my best shot. That's good news, OP. One thing you should watch out for though. Given what I understand from another poster's comment to be her relative lack of remorse, don't be surprised if she blames you for making her quit a job she liked and where she had "friends" (more like "accomplices", but we'll ignore that for now). Whatever happens, DO NOT EVER apologize or feel the need to console her over the loss of her job. Her quitting that job was an absolute necessity, which arose as a result of HER actions and the trust you had in her that she shattered. She is simply not entitled to your sympathy over loss of that job. Be firm on this. All the best mang.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 He said a few posts up that the reason he isn't telling OM wife is because she quite his job and he feels because she did that he should give in to her request. What he did not say is that he told her she had to quit her job OR he would tell the AP's wife. He said what he has said several times. She begged him NOT to tell. And he later, learning her AP was workplace, demanded that she leave the job. This has nothing to do with telling the AP's wife. He is suggesting that since she met ONE demand (to quit) he does not feel he should reverse his initial acceptance not to tell the wife. That is not the same thing as telling her Quit Or I tell the wife. And the whole point is that people here are telling him that her quitting means nothing because it "proves she is protecting the OM" from having his wife find out. Nothing OP has said as far as I have seen can be interpreted that way. Op has every reason to take her quitting as the signal that it was meant to be: his WS will do "whatever it takes" to convince him that she no longer wishes to be with the AP. There is a lot more work to do, but I think it's unfair to paint the picture to the OP that her quitting is one step forward and two steps back. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 You do realize that no one has to know that you told his wife or you could have someone else to her, right? An anonymous email from a woman could inform her and you don't have to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 You do realize that no one has to know that you told his wife or you could have someone else to her, right? An anonymous email from a woman could inform her and you don't have to do anything. Are you suggesting that OP can break his promise to his WS and then, later when she confronts him, he can say what? It wasnt me? Or that he can feel good about doinn something behind his WS'S back as long as he doesnt get caught? Maybe he could even gaslight her into thinking he has no idea what she is talking about... Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 Your compromise will never give you the answer you need to keep this marriage together in my opinion. Did she quit her job to protect the other man or did she quit because she chose you? Did you settle for crumbs off the table just to stay with her? The resignation should have included exposure, now that POS is still free to pursue another man's wife or girlfriend. Yes it's a victory but a hollow one at that because this is about you, what did you win? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 Are you suggesting that OP can break his promise to his WS and then, later when she confronts him, he can say what? It wasnt me? Or that he can feel good about doinn something behind his WS'S back as long as he doesnt get caught? Maybe he could even gaslight her into thinking he has no idea what she is talking about... Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) I am very sorry suckerpunch, it is indeed a difficult time. I am trying to trust her again and she says that I must trust her again for us to move forward in our marriage I am glad to see you now know the answer to the above with the below quote. Last night when my wife arrived home from work I gave her an ultimatum, find another job or else we separate because of a lack of trust. She of course say that I "didn't trust her" well damn right I don't trust her, yet, and it will be a long while until I give my trust so freely again. She has agreed to hand her notice in on Monday morning, there were a few tears but I held firm, now we will have to see how things progress. Well done, ultimatum's in my opinion work best, they may not always achieve R but you will at least know where you stand. I did not inform the OM's wife although I was sorely tempted at the time. My wife begged me on her hand s and knees not to do this as the OM and his wife have 2 small children and would destroy their family, I also thought it might just be an act of revenge from me and I don't tend to act like that. Here is my opinion on this. It is most definitely not revenge, exposing the affair if R is even a glimmer in one's eye works best. Exposing it to the AP's spouse produces faster results usually... meaning avoiding a long drawn out process of more lies and deceit through other means or delay because it forces the WS in a corner unless the AP is able to gaslight their way out of the situation. So in other words it helps in ensuring no contact or relapse of the affair by breaking or pausing the possibility of the affair to resume but it's no guarantee, however from my experiences and many stories on LS it seems to work best. One thing many posters are in argument over is whether her quitting is an act to protect her AP or is a genuine act towards R. I agree with Fellini in part because the quote Last night when my wife arrived home from work I gave her an ultimatum, find another job or else we separate because of a lack of trust.... She has agreed to hand her notice. So going off of this, it is clear she did not want to leave the marriage. However, i do see where things become blurry with: Well my wife went ahead and handed her notice in, I am pleased with that of course but just a little miffed that her company is holding her to a month's notice period, so just over 3 weeks before she's out of there and away from the OM. As for informing the OM's wife I am holding fire as my wife went with my wishes to leave her job. This does imply that the agreement perhaps unintentionally written as such the first time or from the above quote, that indeed the OP will not tell the AP's wife because the OP's wife quit; although, in stark contrast to the first quote. Most of you were quite right about informing his wife, should really have done it straight away I guess but I never make an instant decision without thinking long and hard about it. Only time will tell how this is going to pan out, good days and bad days still but I'm still hanging in there giving it my best shot. Whether or not quitting the job is because it was from divorce or telling the AP, I think the OP needs to tell the AP's wife regardless. The OP should not be at a point to compromise with his W as she cheated. He needs to do what is best in his own view... so i gather the OP "wishes" he would have told the AP's wife as he stated and therefore should. If his W is against it than the OP can place another ultimatum as that is what needs to occur for him based on his words of "wishes." The OP's wife is in no place to bargain, R needs hard rules and or boundaries to earn their way back into the marriage, the OP had no choice in her affair and neither did the AP's wife. The best thing therefore should be for both betrayed spouses to know and thus handle their marriages accordingly. Just my opinion. Edited August 9, 2014 by atreides 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leaving Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Why would you want to protect his marriage when he has ruined yours? this man has been sleeping with your wife behind your back and his wife then he gets to walk away worried free while destroying your marriage it's unfair to you and his wife she needs to know the truth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Why would you want to protect his marriage when he has ruined yours? this man has been sleeping with your wife behind your back and his wife then he gets to walk away worried free while destroying your marriage it's unfair to you and his wife she needs to know the truth Could it be he is better than all that. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) Are you suggesting that OP can break his promise to his WS and then, later when she confronts him, he can say what? It wasn't me? Or that he can feel good about doing something behind his WS'S back as long as he doesn't get caught? Maybe he could even gaslight her into thinking he has no idea what she is talking about... Absolutely. Betrayal for betrayal. Could become the new LS mantra, like once a cheater always a cheater. It might work but i recall the OP wanted to make his marriage work, not just "fix it". Edited August 9, 2014 by fellini 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Running Man Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 you really should reconsider telling this man's wife. what if the shoe where on the other foot... wouldn't you like you know? many long time friends there (some of whom knew about the affair going on for 2 years I might add), Sucker, you should no longer feel angry or betrayed by your "long time Friends". Now YOU know of the affair and choose to keep it from the OM wife. 2 years of emotional and physical betrayal and your worried about keeping your "word" to your wife who's only interested in protecting the OM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leaving Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Could it be he is better than all that. better than what this man ruined his marriage Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 better than what this man ruined his marriage i believe Fellini was referring to be above using exposure as revenge or punishment... i may be wrong but that is what i gather... the ole saying of "being the better man".. nothing wrong with that. That said, for different reasons that i hold in my opinion, i do agree that the OP should tell the AP's wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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