Still some issuses between us after her affair

[suckerpunch55]

I did not inform the OM's wife although I was sorely tempted at the time. My wife begged me on her hand s and knees not to do this as the OM and his wife have 2 small children and would destroy their family, I also thought it might just be an act of revenge from me and I don't tend to act like that.

[aliveagain]

His wife and children weren't enough to stop her from banging him, why should it stop you from exposing them? This is not about his wife and children this is about her looking like a home wrecker, she's trying to cover her own a$$. If others knew about your wife's affair you would want to be told. By withholding the truth about their infidelity you become their accomplice, don't do it, expose them, this is not about revenge it's about not compromising your integrity. She is pressuring you to compromise yourself for her lack of boundaries. This is very selfish proving that she hasn't had enough consequences to get her to behave morally by doing the right thing. She has already proven to you that you have reason not to trust her, giving you his name would have helped regain some of that trust, so no, you can't trust her.

[ForeverTainted]

My advice to people telling the other Bs is ask themselves ifthey were still in the dark would they want to know? If yes, then tell and i no then don't. Your wife was not begging to protect this poor mother but her affair partner and herself.

 

Her behaviour doesn't sound remorseful. But the fact you stood strong on the job is a step in the right direction. You don't have to be a tyrant but this close to the affair ending is when you lay down your boundaries. And NC, full honesty, and lack of trust are perfectly fine.

 

I had an affair with a family friend (ex) but I also occasionalu cross paths with him at my place of employment. Because of this I took an extended leave from work. In the end my husband wanted me to go back because I was umable to find any work that fit being home with the kids so perfectly. Since then I have seen xMM at work 1 time an on the occasional get together (husband present). But all of that was decided by my husband. And if he told me to quit I would in an instant because fixing this is far more important than money.

[Bryanp]

OMG she begs on her hands and knees to you not to expose the OM to his wife? What does that tell you? She is far more concerned with his well being than yours. She shielding and protecting her OM over the well being of her husband.

 

By the way it is absolutely irrelevant whether you have revenge on your mind or not. My God it is the decent and honorable thing to do. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to have someone inform you instead of leaving you in the dark? In addition, by not exposing him to his wife you are sending a clear message to him that there are no consequences to his actions of putting his wife at risk for STD's and will send another message to him that there is no reason for him not to continue this type of behavior in the future. How can you not understand this?

[JS84]

Wow. So you have to threaten divorce/seperation for her to quit her job after she basically told you to shove it beforehand. But she gets down on her hands and knees to protect her Affair partner (and I'm assuming herself as well)?? Doesn't strike me as the most remorseful Wayward spouse.

 

But kudos to you for giving that ultimatum. And I'd inform the man's wife anyway (Make sure you have proof if you do, otherwise don't bother). She has a right to know. I wouldn't even bother discussing the matter of exposing the POSOM to your wife again. At this point it's none of her concern. But in the end it's your decision.

Edited August 2, 2014 by JS84

[HereNorThere]

If you don't tell OM's poor wife, are you really any different than the people who helped enable your wife to betray you?

[jackslife]

The man ****** your wife for two years!

 

Revenge may not be your thing but the OW has the right to know. His W may not believe you, he may gaslight her. But at least you will have told her and she knows the rest is up to her. If you do tell her, do it face to face, not over the phone or by letter. She will at least see your honesty.

 

As for your wifes begging - **** her. She can take it or leave it, you have been a patsy in this for too long and now need to show her whose boss and that you can take or leave her. She's resigning Monday so she it'll all be done in a months time.

 

Finally, her handing in her notice and you telling the OW wife will be a nice big FU to all her dodgy friends.

 

I'm sorry if you think I'm being a bit harsh, but in your shoes I'd have thrown her out the door and him out the window.

[Buckeye2]

I did not inform the OM's wife although I was sorely tempted at the time. My wife begged me on her hand s and knees not to do this as the OM and his wife have 2 small children and would destroy their family, I also thought it might just be an act of revenge from me and I don't tend to act like that.

 

She will resent you for making her quit her job. If you have already decided that you're going to comply with your wife's wish to not tell the OM's wife, I would get something for it. I would offer your wife a choice.

 

Tell her that you and the OM have demonstrated that you can’t be trusted around each other. If nothing changes why shouldn’t the affair continue? Why should I trust you?

 

I have to find some way to keep you two apart.

 

So you have a choice. Either quit your job or I will tell the OM’s wife. If you quit your job you are doing it to protect the OM. Make sure he knows how much you gave up for him.

 

That way over the years when she brings up how much she liked her job, you can remind her that she could have stayed. Maybe she will come to blame the OM for it and not you.

Edited August 2, 2014 by Buckeye2

[jackslife]

She will resent you for making her quit her job. If you have already decided that you're going to comply with your wife's wish to not tell the OM's wife, I would get something for it. I would offer your wife a choice.

 

Tell her that you and the OM have demonstrated that you can’t be trusted around each other. If nothing changes why shouldn’t the affair continue? Why should I trust you?

 

I have to find some way to keep you two apart.

 

So you have a choice. Either quit your job or I will tell the OM’s wife. If you quit your job you are doing it to protect the OM. Make sure he knows how much you gave up for him.

 

That way over the years when she brings up how much she liked her job, you can remind her that she could have stayed. Maybe she will come to blame the OM for it and not you.

 

Genius!!! This is an excellent idea!

 

Though frankly I wouldn't worry about her being resentful, I'd tell her to take it or leave me. Remember just because you've decided to stay together and try to make things work out doesn't mean they will. BS's oh here often say how it took 3 - 5 years to learn to trust and feel right again. I've heard this a few times and my initial reaction is "why would you bother? Just start afresh", but I'm not in that situation so can't give an answer to that.

Edited August 2, 2014 by jackslife

[Buckeye2]

Just to clarify, telling the OM’s wife isn’t just vindictive, it also has a practical benefit. It helps keep them apart.

 

It does it by having the OMW keeping tabs on her husband. It’s harder to cheat with two spouses keeping an eye on things. The two BS can even work together and compare notes.

 

So you have two methods for keeping them apart. You should use both but becuse you're a great guy you're only going to use one. Even more generious, you're letting your WW pick which one.

Edited August 2, 2014 by Buckeye2

[HereNorThere]

Given the OPSs previous behavior, I really doubt much is going to change in this situation. It might just be better for him to accept all of this and make sure to use condoms for protection.

[fellini]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, it is a great help to me because I do tend to keep things bottled up and not talk (one of my many faults apparently). Last night when my wife arrived home from work I gave her an ultimatum, find another job or else we separate because of a lack of trust. She of course say that I "didn't trust her" well damn right I don't trust her, yet, and it will be a long while until I give my trust so freely again. She has agreed to hand her notice in on Monday morning, there were a few tears but I held firm, now we will have to see how things progress.

 

Although it's a little late to give my 2 cents worth, I would not have recommended this form of ultimatum. My wife also had a LTR with a co-worker.

What I don't see is information about their work environment. Sure, if they are working in the same office, have to sit across from each other every day, or have no choice but to see each other 2,3,4,5 whatever times a day, I would want that she left.

 

But my WS worked in a VERY large building in which there is enormous separation between her and the exAP. And when she went NC she went NC. Besides, she MET him at work, but the AFFAIR took place outside of the work environment because NO ONE was supposed to know. Sure one or two knew about it, but those were the close colleagues my WS chose to tell before she went full PA.

 

The thing is, while she was trying to hook up with him, and while they were seeing each other, he got to see her everyday, but this required they deliberately moved around to see each other. Once it was out, and she went NC, she does NOT have to, and has NOT seen him since. He knows he is not to drop by her office, and he doesn't pass by even. He has no reason to be even in the hallway where she works. She has only seen him from a distance at Faculty meetings among 200 others. Im not threatened by this.

 

I want to trust my WS too. And believe me this is ONE WAY to get trust FAST. Her proving to me that she can go NC by changing back to her routines that don't involve the AP are my proof. I know she is not looking at, contacting, talking to, having coffee's with, emailing, text messaging, phoning or in anyway communicating with him. It is doable in her case, only you can decide if it is in yours.

 

I did not ask my WS to quit her job because there are no real alternatives that wouldn't uproot our family and make things worse. Besides, as I said, all their rendezvous were outside the workplace and if she were going to hook up again, it would be very very quiet and completely outside the university where no one would suspect. But it isn't going to happen. She is done with him, and that is that.

 

And this AP was a single divorced completely available man, not a married co-conspirator who had as much to lose as she did.

 

So although your wife has agreed to do what you have forced her to do, if you have any second thoughts that this demand is going to hurt you in the long run, maybe you should think on it. Like Abraham's sacrifice, maybe you need a sacrificial lamb? Do you really think this is going to bring you peace of mind? Or are you simply going to shift your distrust to the streets where you will now imagine they hook up? Of course, as well, if they were banging each other in their respective offices, yeah, time to leave. Really it depends on the work environment, and the details of the A. There is no template for this issue, in spite what some people in LS are telling you.

 

For me, personally, I think telling the AP's wife is more likely to bring me peace of mind than making her quit her job. I would prefer to know what someone is keeping a second set of eyes on his behaviour as well, not just me on mine.

 

By the way, we are 16 months past DDAY and zero contact.

Edited August 2, 2014 by fellini

[aliveagain]

She was on her hands and knees begging for him, she had two years to think about her actions, didn't stop her did it? My guess is O/M said something like "if your husband talks to my wife were finished" that sounds more realistic, that's why she begged. Withholding his identity from you just screams "I'm not remorseful" to me. Why would a remorseful wife keep a secret that big from the man she's fighting to keep? Doesn't add up unless she intends to keep both of you. There are things far worse than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

[drifter777]

From her initial reaction to your threat to expose to OM wife I am highly suspect that she is still seeing him. Your ultimatum will "work" in that she will quit her job but I think they will just take the affair deeper underground. Telling his wife would give you another set of eyes watching them. Plus, she has a right to know.

 

The thing is - are you sure its worth all this drama? Reconciliation is hard, painful work that could go on forever. You will never forget what she did and that means you will never fully forgive. Your chances to heal and find peace of mind increase dramatically if you divorce her. Your self-esteem will return quicker and not having to see her every day will cut down on triggers and the torture of seeing mind-movies of her and OM. I firmly believe that no man should reconcile with a cheating wife because the chances of living unhappily ever after are too high. A quick, clean break will start your healing now.

[fellini]

She was on her hands and knees begging for him, she had two years to think about her actions, didn't stop her did it? My guess is O/M said something like "if your husband talks to my wife were finished" that sounds more realistic, that's why she begged. Withholding his identity from you just screams "I'm not remorseful" to me. Why would a remorseful wife keep a secret that big from the man she's fighting to keep? Doesn't add up unless she intends to keep both of you. There are things far worse than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

 

What sounds more realistic is that she genuinely doesn't want to blow this whole thing in the open.

 

In fact LS is full of these contradictions. Some people just don't want to drag a whole bunch of innocent people down with them in their mess.

 

More likely the OM said "if my wife finds out, all hell will break loose."

 

I think it's a big stretch of your imagination to plant the idea that she is still screwing AP and that even though OP knows about the affair, she can continue until AP's wife finds out. It seems a little over the top to suggest it, unless you have some serious experiences that this is a common reaction once an A is exposed.

[drifter777]

What sounds more realistic is that she genuinely doesn't want to blow this whole thing in the open.

 

In fact LS is full of these contradictions. Some people just don't want to drag a whole bunch of innocent people down with them in their mess.

 

More likely the OM said "if my wife finds out, all hell will break loose."

 

I think it's a big stretch of your imagination to plant the idea that she is still screwing AP and that even though OP knows about the affair, she can continue until AP's wife finds out. It seems a little over the top to suggest it, unless you have some serious experiences that this is a common reaction once an A is exposed.

When the affair is discovered rather then confessed the cheaters often just take it deeper underground.

[beach]

I did not inform the OM's wife although I was sorely tempted at the time. My wife begged me on her hand s and knees not to do this as the OM and his wife have 2 small children and would destroy their family, I also thought it might just be an act of revenge from me and I don't tend to act like that.

 

Expose to the wife of her OM.

 

She deserves to know what her H has been doing.

 

Good that your W is finally forced to quit that job.

 

She should be willing to do anything to rebuild trust.

 

Keep an eye out - the A may have never ended.

[aliveagain]

Suckerpunch55 all I know is when a wayward protects the O/M or O/W it always goes poorly for the betrayed spouse. Until she is 100% into the marriage and committed to you the chances of your relationship lasting are little to none. Isn't it better to know now rather than wasting years on false reconciliation? If she continues to protect her other man she is not 100% committed to you period. Why would you want to be married to someone that isn't fully committed? There is all kinds of advice available on this site, choose what works for you that doesn't include you having to compromise your integrity or having to put up with some form of infidelity.

 

You rarely ever hear someone say they wished they were nicer to their wayward spouse after discovering their affair or wishing they had given them an extra year or two to decide if they wanted the marriage or O/M or O/W. What you do hear is they wished they had taken a harder line demanding no contact immediately. The other thing you hear is they wished they had told the other betrayed spouse sooner. Remember, a long term affair takes a lot of planning and a lot of lying, stand your ground, tell her what you need in order to stay married to you. If she can't give you what you need fire her as your wife because she failed miserably.

[fellini]

When the affair is discovered rather then confessed the cheaters often just take it deeper underground.

 

Some cheaters. This one confessed. Having lived through this, I think the OP is the best person to decide how genuine his WS's desires are for recovering their BS and their marriage.

 

A very large number of WS's who disclose their affairs immediately throw their AP under the bus and do a 180 to get the marriage back on track.

 

The whole point of an affair is to have your AP and not LOSE your marriage. Obviously. Of course it's a contradiction. But who ever said it had to make sense? It's what cheaters do. If she doesn't want to lose her husband, he will quickly see

 

What I find strange, and personally unappealing, is using brute force tactics to get proof, like telling her "do X or we are done".

 

That would be fair if on the one hand, the X was an actual precondition to moving forward, and b) if WS did actually do X it would actually MEAN SOMETHING. and c) the WS is emotionally ready to jump through those hoops.

 

The impression I get here is asking a WS to jump through a hoop results in more hoop jumping. Because the BS thinks that hoop jumping is going to bring trust, but surely it cannot.

 

At some point the marriage is only going to work if the WS is going to make the decisions that need to be made without having to be told what to do by the BS. And if she continues to act in ways that she knows that prohibits the BS from healing and regaining trust then THAT is what he needs to know. Not the limit of her hoop jumping. That could go on for years.

 

This BS wants her to quit her job. Ask yourself OP, if you had (just imagine) had a one night stand with a female worker in some distant department of your workplace, and your wife found out, and said to you "QUIT or we are THROUGH", are you going to do it? Is it possible that the first thought that would pass through your mind is, "what has that got to do with my screwup?" "I love my job!, so I screwed up, how is leaving my job going to fix things?" Of course there is the trust issue. But if you think the WS has truly thrown her AP under the bus, what difference does it make if their working together for the same company does not result in further contact? Not even LC? This really depends on where she works, what her work culture is, and that of the exAP. There are plenty of stories of WS's who continue to work in their jobs after an A.

 

If we are going to ask our WW's to quit their jobs, which can make a lot of sense, but which is not always necessary, what about asking them to take a new job in a nunnery then? Just to be sure they aren't tempted again (once a cheater always a cheater right?)

 

Or why not we insist they put on a Burka when they go to work where men are present? Now where have I seen that strategy before....

 

This BS has to separate our his TRAUMA issues from his desire to RECONCILE. And just as it's not considered a good idea to make drastic decisions to throw a WS out on DDAY, there are other equally drastic decisions that may be counterproductive that provide a false sense of security for the suffering BS.

Edited August 3, 2014 by fellini

[jackslife]

Fellini makes some very valid and interesting points. He always gives well thought out and intelligent advice. In addition he is arguing from experience of reconciling with his wife.

 

My POV is I really don't think it is worth all the work and aggravation reconciling. However, like others on here it is just my POV and may not suit everyone. OP has chosen to reconcile so maybe Fellini's advice is better suited to him.

 

Good luck to OP either way.

[oldshirt]

I did not inform the OM's wife although I was sorely tempted at the time. My wife begged me on her hand s and knees not to do this as the OM and his wife have 2 small children and would destroy their family, I also thought it might just be an act of revenge from me and I don't tend to act like that.

 

Informing the AP's spouse of the affair is not an act of revenge or an act of aggression or anything like that.

 

 

It is an act of accountability and addressing a serious issue underlying two families.

 

 

Think of it like two sets of parents of two teenage friends. The teenagers do something dumb and get into trouble and one set of parents finds out about it. Them informing the other set of parents is not an act of revenge or of trying to get the other kid in trouble. It is taking accountability and addressing the issue in a manner that is the most effective and efficient in insuring the behavior is now more monitored and controlled.

 

 

Your wife begging you not to inform OM's wife was to help relieve HER guilt and HER responsibility in harming his family. It was to protect HER relationship with the OM and to keep OM's wife from kicking HER ass.

 

 

Again this is like the troublesome teenager. The teen will beg their parent not to tell the friends parents because doing so will tarnish their reputation and their relationship with the friend and the friends family further, not because they sincerely are looking out for the friend's relationship with his/her parents.

 

 

When you choose not to inform AP's spouse, you are becoming a coconspirator in the AP's affair.

 

 

Yes your wife will be mad at you but she is the one that was screwing another guy. Her reasons for begging you not to inform are simply for her own comfort and to further get away with the damage she has done to two marriages.

 

 

There is very rarely if ever a valid reason to not inform the other spouse and a million very valid and practical reasons why in needs to occur.

[thummper]

Did any of the affair take place at their job or during work hours? Expose to HR if it did. She may be quitting, but he deserves some repercussions too.

[HereNorThere]

Did any of the affair take place at their job or during work hours? Expose to HR if it did. She may be quitting, but he deserves some repercussions too.

 

She's not quitting anything.

[jackslife]

She's not quitting anything.

 

Why do you think that? OP said she was quitting on Monday...

[suckerpunch55]

I posted here about 3 months back asking for help and advice after finding out about my wife's affair, some really helpful advice which I put to good use but I still have problems with the after effects of the affair. One of the last things my wife admitted to me was that the OM works at the same company as her, I demanded that she leave as soon as possible because I could not contemplate the pair of them being together in any way at all. She though point-blank refuses to do this as she loves her job and has many long time friends there (some of whom knew about the affair going on for 2 years I might add), am I being unreasonable about this? I just don't think it's right for my wife and this man to see each other every day as though nothing has gone on between them let alone the possibility of the affair commencing again. My wife assures me that that will never happen and has promised me faithfully that nothing untoward will happen. I am trying to trust her again and she says that I must trust her again for us to move forward in our marriage, I'm really not sure about this at all and hope someone in a similar situation has dealt with this problem before.

Well my wife went ahead and handed her notice in, I am pleased with that of course but just a little miffed that her company is holding her to a month's notice period, so just over 3 weeks before she's out of there and away from the OM. As for informing the OM's wife I am holding fire as my wife went with my wishes to leave her job. Most of you were quite right about informing his wife, should really have done it straight away I guess but I never make an instant decision without thinking long and hard about it. Only time will tell how this is going to pan out, good days and bad days still but I'm still hanging in there giving it my best shot.