Can I win her back?

[hockeydan]

If there is one thing I have learned over the last month and half of lurking around here is, the more you do the more you push them away. If you want any chance of getting them back, you need to stop pushing and back away. People are stubborn as hell, once they have an idea that they thought about for a long time, they are going to stick to it.

 

When people pull the trigger on a HUGE decision like a breakup, they don't want to look like an idiot and change their minds, they are going to stick to their guns. In their mind they already thought this through and put up a defense against whatever you are planning to throw at them. This was thought out, planned, hesitated on, and finally executed.

 

Every time you throw something at their defense, it just gets stronger. Once you stop throwing things at their defenses, people become relieved for awhile, then they get curious and want to take a peak to see if you are planning a sneak attack, and then they notice you are not there. Why are you not there? Where did you go? Well that doesn't make any sense I thought he/she loved me? That's when they are forced to make a choice about what they really want in life and you have forced that choice on them. That's when her wall starts to crumble.

 

Meanwhile you are walked away from that crappy wall, and went and hung out, dated, and had sex with a whole bunch of other people that didn't have a nasty wall up. You are a better, more experienced person, someone that your ex would LOVE to have in their life. And when that wall is destroyed and your ex comes crawling out of its ashes and finds you, you get decide whether she gets to be in your life or not.

 

Walk away from that wall, my friend. I had to, and it sucks. I miss that girl that is hiding behind that wall so much, but every text I sent her, every post on Facebook I liked, I would look at that wall and notice it just got bigger and I could see less and less of who she used to be. I still think about her all day, I dream about her, I half expect for her to text me at any time of the day, but there is nothing we can do but retreat and stop building up that wall.

[David87]

I did. Haha

 

I really need a face palm emoticon. She told you all you need to know, dont even think about meeting with her friday. Start NC asap because she's in control now and you are acting like a doormat. Its done my friend .

[Lalasita]

Hi John! Do not loose hope, I recently went through a similar situation with a break up,

and I have been talking to this break up coach who has seen this pattern before. He was telling me about how the letter does not work and usually backfires. There is still a way to salvage it. I would contact him if you are interested. here is his site, ZooMonkey Will Help You Get Your Ex Back | the guy is on point. Let me know if you have any questions.

 

HAHA you crack me up guy )))

[Survivor12]

Just a little added insight--

 

Your letter/conversation is entirely about what you are willing to do to hold on to what YOU want. If you really cared about being a good partner for her, you wouldn't have taken her for granted & done/not done the things you did in the first place.

 

Geeze, you even tried to use the dog & your finances to try to manipulate her into letting you stay! Wow! Ask yourself--would you want someone to tell you that part of the reason they want to remain in a relationship with you is because leaving would cost them money???--or that if you stay together, you will never let her go (i.e. what she wants doesn't matter)?

 

You don't want the relationship to end. I believe you. However, the "sacrifices" you are willing to make are for YOUR BENEFIT, not hers. What you're actually saying is that you are willing to ACT in a way that will satisfy her if it will allow you to get what YOU want. If you really WANTED to do those things with/for her, you would have done so without the threat of losing her.

 

Here's the biggest problem--keeping those promises over the long term. If you don't enjoy spending time with her family, for example, the moment the threat of her leaving subsides, so will your incentive because YOU won't be happy doing things you really dont want to do. Another problem is that despite your attempts to convince her that you DO enjoy all the things you're promising, she will eventually see right through the act--and who wants a partner who has to make an effort to act the part?

 

Like she said, this is chance #2. The first time she was willing to give it another shot because she wanted to believe that things would work out. This time, she has experience to go on & is not so optimistic.

 

You've told her how you feel. Trying to change or add to what you have already said isn't going to help. It will just come off as more desperation & manipulation. Stop making promises. If she doesn't want to be together, respect her wishes. To be honest, your best chance of maintaining the relationship is to back off, not challenge her decision. It may not change her mind, but it won't make things worse.

[john3255]

Ok, so we spoke about the letter and the other things in person today.

 

I told her that having a week alone had gave me a lot of time to think things over.

 

I have concluded that I should have wanted to do those things to support her. I asked again for a second chance. She asked me to go for a walk with the dog for an hour and let her think.

 

She has decided that she wants to stick by her original decision, I can see why I guess and I respect it, even if I don't like it.

 

We had a chat and a laugh about things as we do have a home together which now needs to be split between us, I'm happy that we've had the chat as it's gave me a bit of closure I think.

 

She says that she's 99% sure that she's doing the right thing and that maybe she will change her mind down the line but she's pretty sure she won't and even if she does I may have moved on by then.

 

I totally respect this and I have ate today for the first time in a week! Which is good!

 

I now feel as though I can/have to move on. Maybe things will rekindle in the future but that will be a new relationship not the old one that is now dead.

 

Thanks for the help and advice guys.

[OwMyEyeball]

Ok, so we spoke about the letter and the other things in person today.

 

I told her that having a week alone had gave me a lot of time to think things over.

 

I have concluded that I should have wanted to do those things to support her. I asked again for a second chance. She asked me to go for a walk with the dog for an hour and let her think.

 

She has decided that she wants to stick by her original decision, I can see why I guess and I respect it, even if I don't like it.

 

We had a chat and a laugh about things as we do have a home together which now needs to be split between us, I'm happy that we've had the chat as it's gave me a bit of closure I think.

 

She says that she's 99% sure that she's doing the right thing and that maybe she will change her mind down the line but she's pretty sure she won't and even if she does I may have moved on by then.

 

I totally respect this and I have ate today for the first time in a week! Which is good!

 

I now feel as though I can/have to move on. Maybe things will rekindle in the future but that will be a new relationship not the old one that is now dead.

 

Thanks for the help and advice guys.

You appear to be taking all of this in stride and just going for whatever seems like the "right thing to do".

 

How hurt are you by all of this? How are you expressing you feelings? To whom? And how are you coping?

 

I need to ask, because from all that I've read it seems as though you're putting on the "positive" front.

 

"Whatever happens from here, I'm glad that you were part of my life, you're an amazing woman who deserves to find happiness."

 

Really? Is that how you truly feel? Glad yet undeserving of her?

 

Your entire letter reads as one might write to an acquaintance or colleague. Not a lover of 5.5 years. It's all matter-of-fact. Deadpan. Devoid of passion.

 

I think it's helpful for you to be single for a while. You've got some deep soul searching to do. Or maybe you are the way you are. Emotions just don't play a big role in your life. In which case she was probably not the right person for you to begin with.

 

Just the fact that your body reacted as it did - loss of appetite and sleep - and your need for affection tell me you are an emotional man.

 

Confusing

[john3255]

What option do I have other than to respect her wishes and take it in my stride?

 

Of course I'm not happy with how it's turned out, I'm devastated! But if I keep going with letters, texts, talks etc it then borders on harassing the girl.

[OwMyEyeball]

Understandable that you chose the noble path.

 

But how are you expressing your feelings? The devastation and other powerful emotions that must be boiling inside of you?

 

Is there any type of art that you are passionate about? Music? Sculpting? Drawing? Woodworking?

 

Who are you talking to in your personal life about this breakup? Who have you cried around? Shown genuine passion around? Someone you feel comfortable with.

 

How are you taking the end of a ~5 year relationship "in stride"? Maybe that just means something different to me.

[john3255]

To be honest, I've just locked myself away for a week, cried, sobbed thought etc

 

 

I'm quite a private guy and don't discuss feelings well which is why I came on here I guess.

 

I feel like I have dealt with the situation enough to start moving forwards.

 

 

It still hurts, I'll probably still cry but I can function again to some degree.

[OwMyEyeball]

Thanks for your candor.

 

I'm prodding only because I see some of myself in you. Well meaning, but emotionally distant.

 

It's taken me 32 years, some rocky life experiences and a supportive therapist to start shaking me out of my shell. For all it's been protecting me, it's also been an ideal habitat for very harmful emotions to grow and fester. I kept my outward appearance rosy, but was dying on the outside. And I never truly shared that with anyone. I would sometimes speak of actions related to my misery, but never felt comfortable sharing my true emotions with anyone. I was, and in many ways still am, afraid of the rejection. Abandonment.

 

I'm projecting and could be completely off-base. I'm going on hunches here. The online world is itself quite emotionally distant.

 

I do have to ask another question: Growing up and through your adult life, who have you turned to with your deepest problems? Who have you allowed yourself to be fully vulnerable around? To allow your emotions to pour out however they may? Tears, pounding fists or maniacal laughter?