Eau Claire Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 There will be a pattern. Hook up with this guy for 3 years...it falls apart because of some anxiety about it being unable to express oneself... 3 years older. Still wanting a child (which is an absolutely healthy feeling)...and a bit desperate and the pattern continues. Now mid 30's, not as easy to have a child..perhaps less rational choosing a father. You are a woman of older child bearing age. It is the most natural thing in the universe to think of children 24/7 or 21/7 or some variation. A mature male should know this. Don't put thoughts of children in some compartment of your mind on a check list. It is THE most absolute most important issue in our lives...a hundred times more important than anything else....having fun, career, marriage. It's fine not to want children but, if you do, make it front and center as part of who you are. I'm lots of things in life, daughter, sister, a nurse, girlfriend but in my inner psyche I'm my two daughters' mother. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I agree with the men. I bring important things up very early on because I'm looking for someone I'm compatible with long term. And here's me agreeing with the women, then. You start talking kids and marriage two months into a relationship, and a lot of guys, whether or not they want kids and marriage, are going to get a bit alarmed about things moving too fast. I'd wait a little longer, learn more about each other, and see whether this is the type of person you even want to raise those issues with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 And here's me agreeing with the women, then. You start talking kids and marriage two months into a relationship, and a lot of guys, whether or not they want kids and marriage, are going to get a bit alarmed about things moving too fast. I'd wait a little longer, learn more about each other, and see whether this is the type of person you even want to raise those issues with. I think it depends on the age. The OP is 31, I think it's a type of conversation that should come easy with anyone in their 30s. The OP mentioned that this guy is younger though.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Perhaps the trick is to have the conversation without it sounding like "omg my ovaries are drying up". Something more like "Would you like to have children of your own one day?" shouldn't startle too many people, unless they're completely against the idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Because he wanted something casual. It's good to get rid of those early, non? I don't agree with this... well, partly. There's a difference between these: - Do you want kids? - Do you wants kids SOON? If a guy is feeling like he is going to be rushed into it, then of course he is going to back away. I get it, there's a timetable, but it completely destroys the dynamic of a relationship and imposes the "I want a baby before I want a relationship" paradigm. It's no longer about two people getting to build that. Sure, we all have goals, but that's a heavy one to introduce without the proper amount of tact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm 31 and he's almost 28. The age gap would be much better if reversed. Ugh. This whole thread has made me really sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm 31 and he's almost 28. The age gap would be much better if reversed. Ugh. This whole thread has made me really sad. 28, 3 years is nothing. It's more worrying that he hasn't had anything serious since 20. That means he hasn't had anything serious. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I feel like I have waited my whole life to meet someone like him but now our ages are going to get in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 28, 3 years is nothing. It's more worrying that he hasn't had anything serious since 20. That means he hasn't had anything serious. At all. He is not the type to get into anything unless it feels right. He admitted to being picky and needing the deep connection. He'd rather be single. So the fact that he coupled up with me says a lot about what he thinks of me. Who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 He is not the type to get into anything unless it feels right. He admitted to being picky and needing the deep connection. He'd rather be single. So the fact that he coupled up with me says a lot about what he thinks of me. Who knows. and all these years he hasn't met a single chick worth a relationship? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 and all these years he hasn't met a single chick worth a relationship? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm At the risk of getting too personal, Abby, how are you two doing sexually? Are you on the same page? Any concerns? I know this goes beyond your original question, but I think some of us see some potential red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 At the risk of getting too personal, Abby, how are you two doing sexually? Are you on the same page? Any concerns? I know this goes beyond your original question, but I think some of us see some potential red flags. What potential red flags? He waited a long time to kiss me (date three) and have sex (he explained he likes to wait). But now sex is amazing. We are ridiculously attracted to one another and when we're not having sex, we always are in physical contact by cuddling or holding hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 What potential red flags? He waited a long time to kiss me (date three) and have sex (he explained he likes to wait). But now sex is amazing. We are ridiculously attracted to one another and when we're not having sex, we always are in physical contact by cuddling or holding hands. How often do you have sex? This is the only personal question I'll ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 and all these years he hasn't met a single chick worth a relationship? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Well he's dated but nothing past 2-3 months Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 How often do you have sex? This is the only personal question I'll ask. Whenever we hang out, so 2-3 times a week. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 What potential red flags? He waited a long time to kiss me (date three) and have sex (he explained he likes to wait). But now sex is amazing. We are ridiculously attracted to one another and when we're not having sex, we always are in physical contact by cuddling or holding hands. Good stuff, Abby. I was concerned about the apparent lack of relationship experience, and what may account for that, but maybe I was on the wrong track. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Good stuff, Abby. I was concerned about the apparent lack of relationship experience, and what may account for that, but maybe I was on the wrong track. He's not gay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 He's not gay Not what I was thinking, but good one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 He's not gay Slightly off-track here but I've seen guys who really struggle with their libido. They aren't gay just have various emotional issues. Not the case here so not relevant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunfire73 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I would say give yourself a timeline where you're comfortable with. I read somewhere as a guide, it should be 3 months till you become bf/gf exclusive, 6 months if there is long term potential, and at least 1 year to see if you have a future (marriage and children). That way you give it a chance to be more organic by knowing each other naturally, and time to develop your relationship and if you don't have your questions answered by those timeline, then you can ask. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) I have been dating a guy since early June. He's 27. I'm a few years older. I know 100% I want marriage and kids. At what point can I ask if he wants the same? And how do I bring it up without sounding marriage or baby crazy? It's not about being marriage or baby crazy...it's about being a mature adult and knowing what you want out of a relationship and asking for it so that you can weed out those who aren't on the same page and find those who are. I find these things out BEFORE I seriously date anyone, i.e. I ask about it early on. I don't sound marriage or baby crazy when I do...I simply find out what the man is looking for: casual, serious relationship, fun, sex, what? I also ask about if he wants to get married or wants kids OR in regular conversation often the topic comes up or other things he says clues me in and I'll ask further about it. If a man runs screaming because you ask him his thoughts on marriage and kids then he is NOT for you as if he also wanted marriage and kids and was looking to be in a relationship headed there he wouldn't run screaming or look at you crazy. Plain and simple. So find out early on. There is no "too soon" IMO. Marriage and baby crazy is ASSUMING he will be your husband and father of your children and planning your wedding and kids names on your first few dates...simply stating what you are looking for and asking what he sees for himself is what mature people looking to settle down do. It's like a job interview IMO. It's not as dry but ultimately, if you're dating with a purpose (i.e. you want to be married) you have to ask questions and figure out if someone is a good potential. If a man makes it clear he has zero interest in marriage or kids or anytime soon, if you feel differently, it's important to know this early on and you can only know by asking early on, not dating and becoming attached then months or years later is when you try to ask questions you should have already known the answer to. Too many women downplay, lie or don't say what they really want and then stay with a man hoping he will one day read her mind and surprise 5 years later this guy NEVER wanted marriage or kids...don't be one of those women. Speak up for yourself and what you want early on and don't be afraid to allow a man to walk if he doesn't want it...as isn't that the whole point of dating? To find people who share your values and ideals and weed out those who don't? That's the point IMO and you can't trick a man into wanting what you want or scare him in or out of it...if he runs scared as I said, it's not because you're crazy or did anything wrong but its because he isn't on the same page. Before my bf and I even went on our first date we ended up talking about what we were looking for...turns out we wanted the same things, he talked about only seriously dating women he could see as his future wife at this point in his life (my bf is the same age as yours btw) and he also talked about wanting marriage and kids in the future. He didn't come off crazy and neither did I when I said I felt the same. We instead learned pretty quickly that we had similar ideas and it helped both of us to be straightforward about what we wanted going forward and made our transition into a relationship pretty smooth as there was no guesswork about if we had the same "end goal." Edited July 29, 2014 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
longjohn Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Slightly off-track here but I've seen guys who really struggle with their libido. They aren't gay just have various emotional issues. Not the case here so not relevant. I struggle with my libido.. it's like the energizer bunny. Something is wrong with it I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 MissBee, well stated. No reason not to be mature up front about one wants in life. The OP has issues. They have been intimate, sex a few times a week but never any expression of life expectations? This is not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 MissBee, well stated. No reason not to be mature up front about one wants in life. The OP has issues. They have been intimate, sex a few times a week but never any expression of life expectations? This is not healthy. How old are you? Just curious. These topics never come up in dating. Don't know if its a regional thing or what. But usually people I know here say those ate the things that scare a man off. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 What region do you live in? People have lots of rules and things in dating that make no sense...so look at the results of their advice and rules before following them I suggest. I have no time for nonsense personally and I was tired of casual dating with no purpose. I did it and it was fine for a while then I wanted more. If I wanted more I realized I had to be straight about what I wanted and purposeful....not sit around scared to "scare a man off." It's nonsense that you will scare off a man WHO WANTS WHAT YOU WANT by bringing up what he wants too...does that make sense to you? If your bf wants to be married or have kids and is dating you with that in mind as a possibility WHY would he be scared off when he realizes you want what he wants??? As I said...if the person is scared off it's because they aren't interested in that or aren't ready, so better find out now than later. I also realize that courting and dating are different, the former is for those who are serious about finding a potential life partner/spouse and the latter can mean anything, from a step above FWB to go with the flow type scenarios. You clearly aren't just interested in going with the flow and seeing how it pans out...so why waste time? Your bf is 27 and you are older, if you're older than 27 and want to be married but are scared to be frank about it when choosing bfs...then that's a huge problem. I understand at 19 it may not be on your radar but 27 and older is high time you get forthright. Link to post Share on other sites
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