Antwonswan Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Long story posted in the breakups section. Short story - as lots of have read, "girl I thought I would marry ended up leaving after a year, completely out of the blue." I spent the first month in no contact before calling her and challenging her that she made a mistake. She said that the time apart had made it clearer to her that we wouldn't work out together and that we weren't the right people for each other. That made it easy to accept that we were finished. Two weeks later in No Contact again, I have accepted the fact that we are finished and don't want her back. I don't tell myself "what if" or "if only" etc, sometimes I am angry that she screwed up something that was going so well, but mostly, I am lonely and am bothered by memories. I can't stop seeing memory triggers. Memories of us together as she studied in another province, memories of us together while she was home and memories of her visiting me, not to mention the discussions we had. I can't seem to get her out of my mind, each day I wake up and try to fill my thoughts with something other than her, but randomly a thought will come up of a memory then I get stuck for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour, etc. it's terrible. I stay active with work and the gym and friends, however 6 weeks after the breakup, I feel terribly lonely. I miss the relationship and miss having somebody care for me and having interest in me and my successes. Any pointers on dealing memories and the loneliness? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Missy0724 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Time. That's about it! And understanding and acceptance, if someone wants you in their life, wants to be with you, they will tell you. At least the right person will. Never go where you are not wanted. Be kind and patient with yourself. Go thru the mourning process, talk about it, cry, be angry, feel it all. And in time you will heal. And someday you will be able to smile when every now and then she crosses your mind... A good goal to have. And forgive her, too. We are all human. And we all must do what is best for us. Rejection sucks. But again - why would we want to be with someone who isn't smiling and laughing when they with us? That's not good. Time...be patient... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Breakups tend to be traumatic. There are so many stages to it, that you can sometimes find yourself lost and confused. One moment you'll feel great and so happy things worked out the way they did. Other times, you'll feel yourself questioning things. And other times, when you least expect it, memories will arise. Loneliness will overwhelm you. It's so easy to become consumed with these negative (or positive) emotions. The trick, i've found, is to understand that the process is never a continuous one. Once you've accepted that nothing is permanent (whether it's feelings or circumstances you find yourself in), you'll begin to find yourself 'going along for the ride'. Whether it's the good times, or the bad, you'll understand it's all a part of the process. I know that the memories and loneliness can sometimes feel like it's too much to handle, but I promise it's not. Just as you once felt great, you will again. This is a necessary part of the process. I do believe that time does even things out. Over time, it'll feel less like a rollercoaster, and you'll be your 'normal' self again. The best advice I can give you, is to really try to become self-aware, and push yourself through these times by trying to become a better person. Really understand yourself. That way, when the process is over, and you find yourself to be 'normal' again, it'll be even better than it was before. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Brutus Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Time...be patient... That's it. And you will need a lot of it. 6 weeks is nothing. I am approaching 5 months and I still do feel exactly as you do. I cant help but crying from time to time even. I do believe with time it will get better, although no matter how much time will pass, there will always be a scar inside you, if you really loved her. But with time, you will learn to live with it. Life is also this, after all, being injured, and nevertheless go on as a different, hopefully wiser, person. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Keep yourself busy & surround yourself with understanding, supportive friends & family. Change your environment around even if it's just rearranging the furniture. Pack away anything she gave you, and all photos. If the photos are digital store them on a thumb drive & pack the drive. Remember this will take time. Give yourself a break & don't beat yourself up when you do think about her. It's part of the healing process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 you are dealing with the attachment to her.Since you no longer see her its painful and the minds only way to adjust is to put you through pain like a wound has formed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Antwonswan Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Thanks everybody for the tips and words. Does anybody have any help for the mornings? She is on my mind almost first thing in the morning... I'd like to go at least a few minutes before she is into my head again as soon as I wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I wish there was some quick fix remedy. I'm approaching the 5 month mark and while it is easier than it was 4 months ago, it still eats at me. But, not as badly! Some things that have helped me, if at least superficially: -flirting and hooking up with other girls(it may be too soon for you, though) -talking and talking to people about it until I'm sick of talking about it -practicing extreme extroversion, putting myself in front of strangers -pampering myself -throwing myself out of my comfort zone -taking on little fears and deepening my sense of self-sufficiency -LOVESHACK.org(basically anytime I'm tempted to check her social media, I come here) -traveling -planning adventures for myself(downtime is your enemy) -stopped referring to her as MY ex. I do not know her. We are not friends. I relinquish ownership. -recognizing that I am not alone in these feelings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Do something first thing that improves you, so you have a sense of satisfaction that in 1 way your life is already better without your ex. E.g. Do p90x. Anybody can do it, you just need to put in the time. Basically use this as an opportunity to become better. If it's not exercise, learn something new. Pick a topic and study it whenever you think about her. The worst outcome is you know something new and think about her less. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 I wish there was some quick fix remedy. I'm approaching the 5 month mark and while it is easier than it was 4 months ago, it still eats at me. But, not as badly! Some things that have helped me, if at least superficially: -flirting and hooking up with other girls(it may be too soon for you, though) -talking and talking to people about it until I'm sick of talking about it -practicing extreme extroversion, putting myself in front of strangers -pampering myself -throwing myself out of my comfort zone -taking on little fears and deepening my sense of self-sufficiency -LOVESHACK.org(basically anytime I'm tempted to check her social media, I come here) -traveling -planning adventures for myself(downtime is your enemy) -stopped referring to her as MY ex. I do not know her. We are not friends. I relinquish ownership. -recognizing that I am not alone in these feelings Damn fine advice. im at the 5 month mark and hooking up with another female would absolutely make me vomit on her.I am so not the type to just be able to go f4ck someone and feel better but I wish I could.I guess Im just not the player type so that option doesn't appeal to me but it sure is what my ex did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Antwonswan Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Update: yesterday was a rougggghhhhh day. Couldn't get out of the hole of memories and sadness. Fell asleep almost right after work and slept the whole night through. Today was a better day. I don't know what changed aside from working to take a positive approach to the day. I still have trouble eating properly (enough). I started paying a lot of attention to what I ate at the beginning of 2013, and became more and more dedicated to my diet once I met her. She and I were both dedicated to improving our fitness and diets. I am working on putting on more muscle, I'm not a chubby/large guy so the tops of "hit the gym and eat healthy" that a lot of articles mention fall on deaf ears of mine in that regard. What I have trouble with is eating enough *clean* food. I don't eat junk food, no mcdonalds, Burger King, tacos, etc and limit my drinking to weekends (rarely have more than 2-3 beers if I do go out). I'll pack a healthy lunch with fruit, vegetables, protein bar, Greek yogurt, chicken, etc but at work I hardly eat the food. I'll get to the end of the day and still have most of the lunch left. Anybody have any tips on getting an appetite back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moonlightpath Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Update: yesterday was a rougggghhhhh day. Couldn't get out of the hole of memories and sadness. Fell asleep almost right after work and slept the whole night through. Today was a better day. I don't know what changed aside from working to take a positive approach to the day. I still have trouble eating properly (enough). I started paying a lot of attention to what I ate at the beginning of 2013, and became more and more dedicated to my diet once I met her. She and I were both dedicated to improving our fitness and diets. I am working on putting on more muscle, I'm not a chubby/large guy so the tops of "hit the gym and eat healthy" that a lot of articles mention fall on deaf ears of mine in that regard. What I have trouble with is eating enough *clean* food. I don't eat junk food, no mcdonalds, Burger King, tacos, etc and limit my drinking to weekends (rarely have more than 2-3 beers if I do go out). I'll pack a healthy lunch with fruit, vegetables, protein bar, Greek yogurt, chicken, etc but at work I hardly eat the food. I'll get to the end of the day and still have most of the lunch left. Anybody have any tips on getting an appetite back? I know how you feel. I'm hungry but I have no appetite if that makes any sense. Food tastes flavorless. I had a cupcake earlier which was good. But other than that I haven't had much to eat. Coffee mainly. I was dedicated to going on daily jogs 5 days a week until the relationship ended. Since then i don't feel like doing anything productive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Antwonswan Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I know how you feel. I'm hungry but I have no appetite if that makes any sense. Food tastes flavorless. I had a cupcake earlier which was good. But other than that I haven't had much to eat. Coffee mainly. I was dedicated to going on daily jogs 5 days a week until the relationship ended. Since then i don't feel like doing anything productive. How long ago was your breakup? Mine was two months ago. My drive has come back /somewhat/ but nowhere near what it was during the relationship, or even before the relationship. I find I question myself a lot more these days than I did over the last 12-16 months. I am hoping that the drive and decisiveness will return over time. Hang in there Moonlightpath, you're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Damn fine advice. im at the 5 month mark and hooking up with another female would absolutely make me vomit on her.I am so not the type to just be able to go f4ck someone and feel better but I wish I could.I guess Im just not the player type so that option doesn't appeal to me but it sure is what my ex did. Well, I don't necessarily mean have sex with someone. Sometimes it's just nice to have female company. To flirt. To embrace someone. Link to post Share on other sites
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