Is it important?

[dichotomy]

Emotionally I couldn't handle an open marriage and my husband gets upset when other men look at me so that's not going to happen. He might have low testosterone but he has a bit of a temper so I don't think increasing his testosterone would work since I don't want to have sex with him when he yells at me. I know this issue isn't huge. It's small and annoying but I'd like to learn to cope better with it. People make compromises when they marry I just want to figure out how not to be resentful for making those compromises.

 

He is not that old, don't assume giving him testosterone (if he is indeed low) will make him angrier or yell more. Sometimes low T can cause emotional imbalances as well. Since neither of you know what his T levels are - he should have full blood work tests done, including checking his Testosterone.

[atreides]

He is not that old, don't assume giving him testosterone (if he is indeed low) will make him angrier or yell more. Sometimes low T can cause emotional imbalances as well. Since neither of you know what his T levels are - he should have full blood work tests done, including checking his Testosterone.

 

i totally agree.

[Brigid]

Assuming there are no underlying medical conditions, no drugs, no hormonal imbalances and assuming he is not getting it elsewhere or masturbating to porn all the time - he just needs to nut-up and be more assertive and flirty and proactive with you sexually.

 

In the on internet manosphere this is called getting more alpha. He just needs to bump up his game and not be a slug in front of the tv at night.

 

The real catch here is getting him to understand that and to put in the effort. Unfortunately for a lot of guys, they don't get it untill their wife gets it on with some other dude, she packs her bags and leaves or he realizes that she has checked out and they haven't had sex for six months and he's getting whiney that she's not the porn star in bed any more.

 

Make no mistake, this IS a serious situation! You are very vulnerable right now. You may talk a good game and sound like the good dutiful wife saying she won't cheat.....but It's easy to say you don't want to cheat when there isn't a tall, handsome, buff, successful man stroking your hair and telling you how much he admires you at that exact moment. People change their tunes on a dime when that does happen.

 

I would suggest getting him the book , "the Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay and explaining that you are fundamentally happy with him and your marriage but that you need a little more passion and excitement to keep things on your toes and not build up any resentments or bitterness.

 

If he isnt "get' n it" it's fair game to be upfront that images of getting with others and other people catching your eye are starting to occur. If that doesn't light a little fire under his butt then you'll know that you do have real issues on your hands.

 

Thank you for your response. And you've made some good points. I KNOW I'm at risk for an affair which is why I joined this forum before that could happen. The good thing is I'm almost never around men. Seriously. I'm a housewife and my outings are limited to Costco, Shop and Stop, the Library and sometimes DSW. I make sure I don't dress sexy when I leave the house. When women say they can't help but get attention they are lying. It's very easy to cover-up your looks. Also, I love my husband and I already gave him the heads up. I said "Look, I'm not going to cheat on you but I sure as hell think about it." He said he understood but he can't make himself have a high sexual drive when he doesn't. He works hard and he's tired. He's not having an affair and he's not looking at porn and he's not gay. He just has a low sex drive. Some men do. Just like some women have high sex drives. I think I just need to go back initiating again. I can get him going. I just miss having the man make the move. I can miss it and not cheat.

[Brigid]

Some good advise and I am sorry as a sexless marriage is a marriage missing one of its pillars.

 

Right now you seem to be in the early stages of it growing as you have been there done that in terms of communication and you and H know there is an issue. You also seem hesitant to MC, i don't disagree with you on that.

 

 

So at home remedies.

 

So what have you done to resolve it other than talk? Maybe buy some toys, if he cannot get his equipment working, he can certainly use the DC powered variety and please you that way.

 

Try it in the beginning, it will be odd because it will be different for him and you will also eventually want him to enjoy it as well which is the key here. He may or may not, but at least it is an attempt letting him off the hook of trying to "preform" with his own equipment if he is not into it or for any other reasons like ED and etc.

 

I mean he must enjoy doing other things with you or at least i hope so. Like these nature walks you speak of.

 

If all else fails, you need to escalate demands and not think of it being selfish like having him see a doc, maybe there is a little depression or something entirely different and nothing that the blue pill wont solve.

 

Try introducing watching porn together... again it will be really odd but wade through it, give it a 100% shot (when anything you try) even if he squirms.

 

hope this helps

 

I like the toys idea. He'll like that as well. We already tried the blue pill and he didn't like it and stopped taking it. We are both on meds for depression and anxiety. He's probably having some sexual side effects I am not. Also, his job is hard and he does get stressed about it on weekends when we should be playing naughty games. If I want any sex life at all I will need to go back to creating one. I'm just a bit frustrated at having to do all the work.

[Brigid]

He is not that old, don't assume giving him testosterone (if he is indeed low) will make him angrier or yell more. Sometimes low T can cause emotional imbalances as well. Since neither of you know what his T levels are - he should have full blood work tests done, including checking his Testosterone.

 

I have a feeling his T levels are down. If I ask him to get them checked out he'll get mad. LOL. I'll have to wait till he's in a real mellow mood. He recently had CBC and those bloods came out fine and his blood pressure is good.

 

He has temper issues. Are you sure giving him testosterone won't make him more aggressive? I freaking hate when he yells at me.

[atreides]

I like the toys idea. He'll like that as well. We already tried the blue pill and he didn't like it and stopped taking it. We are both on meds for depression and anxiety. He's probably having some sexual side effects I am not. Also, his job is hard and he does get stressed about it on weekends when we should be playing naughty games. If I want any sex life at all I will need to go back to creating one. I'm just a bit frustrated at having to do all the work.

 

ok, that helps alot to know... years ago my wife was on meds for depression and sex life sucked... what i did was made her laugh, a lot... impressions and such which lead to fun time... while she was not into it as much she was good about satisfying me. Easier to do for a female i think, vs a male who has to get it up i suppose. We used toys and such but depression meds are HARD to beat. She finally got off them within a year and things went to normal.

 

Toys are fun, make it fun... laughter always beat the meds, at least for the moment at hand.

[atreides]

I have a feeling his T levels are down. If I ask him to get them checked out he'll get mad. LOL. I'll have to wait till he's in a real mellow mood. He recently had CBC and those bloods came out fine and his blood pressure is good.

 

He has temper issues. Are you sure giving him testosterone won't make him more aggressive? I freaking hate when he yells at me.

 

Testosterone can make him more aggressive, however if he has low T then that will explain mood swings and tempers up and down. Balancing or rebuilding his Testosterone levels should even that out.

 

Why would he get mad? We all have flaws.... make him laugh first then tell him

[Mr. Lucky]

We already tried the blue pill and he didn't like it and stopped taking it.

Did he try Cialis? Much different effect than Viagra.

 

When I was on some cardiac meds, used them both. Viagra helps you perform, Cialis does that plus gets you in the mood to perform. YMMV...

 

I'll echo that, in his 40's, much too young to throw in the sexual towel. He should have 20-30 good years in front of him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Brigid]

Did he try Cialis? Much different effect than Viagra.

 

When I was on some cardiac meds, used them both. Viagra helps you perform, Cialis does that plus gets you in the mood to perform. YMMV...

 

I'll echo that, in his 40's, much too young to throw in the sexual towel. He should have 20-30 good years in front of him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I looked up ED on WebMD that's what he has but now I need him to take it seriously. I've been making healthy meals but he doesn't exercise and he drinks a bit too much. If he exercised and cut down on alcohol I think his desire would increase. LOL I'm treating this like a science project.

[dichotomy]

I have a feeling his T levels are down. If I ask him to get them checked out he'll get mad. LOL. I'll have to wait till he's in a real mellow mood. He recently had CBC and those bloods came out fine and his blood pressure is good.

 

He has temper issues. Are you sure giving him testosterone won't make him more aggressive? I freaking hate when he yells at me.

 

atreides had a good response to this. Low T (and possibly related estradiol) imbalances create mood swings, irritability, depression, fatigue, and anger.

 

Aggression can increase with T supplementation but its not the same as anger and yelling. Aggression in its positive form can yield confidence, action, and a sexual drive.

 

But an mans ego can come into play to even look into checking his T levels (and estradiol if possible). They worry if it is low they are less of a man, and using a gel or patch is a crutch. Then again if a man is ok to use Viagra I am not sure what the difference is. Its all just a little sexual boost.

 

One possible non medical check on T levels may for you to check on his erection status in the mornings while still in bed and not yet woken up.

[Brigid]

atreides had a good response to this. Low T (and possibly related estradiol) imbalances create mood swings, irritability, depression, fatigue, and anger.

 

Aggression can increase with T supplementation but its not the same as anger and yelling. Aggression in its positive form can yield confidence, action, and a sexual drive.

 

But an mans ego can come into play to even look into checking his T levels (and estradiol if possible). They worry if it is low they are less of a man, and using a gel or patch is a crutch. Then again if a man is ok to use Viagra I am not sure what the difference is. Its all just a little sexual boost.

 

One possible non medical check on T levels may for you to check on his erection status in the mornings while still in bed and not yet woken up.

 

I went one better I just asked him point blank this morning if he wakes up hard (in a nice voice) and he said no. I said you might have low T levels and he said "yeah I know" so I guess he's not in denial. He wants me to go to GMC today and get YOHIMBE. He's used GMC enhancers in the past and they didn't work that great but I'll get them. We'll see what happens. This is really depressing. LOL.

[jackslife]

^^^ But, you are dealing with it. Your H says he is prepared to try remedies to make this work and once you find the right meds, work on your sexual needs together then you'll be having lots of lovely sex which will cheer you both up...

 

So it may be depressing, but there is a goal in sight.

[atreides]

I went one better I just asked him point blank this morning if he wakes up hard (in a nice voice) and he said no. I said you might have low T levels and he said "yeah I know" so I guess he's not in denial. He wants me to go to GMC today and get YOHIMBE. He's used GMC enhancers in the past and they didn't work that great but I'll get them. We'll see what happens. This is really depressing. LOL.

 

 

Go for the throat, Yohimbe.. eh... i lift weights so I look for anything non-illegal to help my T... it's not really going to help. Just go to the doc, they will give him what he needs and life will go the way both of you want it... trust me. Yohimbe is just delaying... go to the doc. Support him if he needs it and remind him that he is your man and make it macho for him to go to the doc.

[Brigid]

Go for the throat, Yohimbe.. eh... i lift weights so I look for anything non-illegal to help my T... it's not really going to help. Just go to the doc, they will give him what he needs and life will go the way both of you want it... trust me. Yohimbe is just delaying... go to the doc. Support him if he needs it and remind him that he is your man and make it macho for him to go to the doc.

 

It might not help but that's what he wants. So I'll go to GNC today and get him a bottle. He'll let me know if it doesn't work and maybe he'll go to the doctor. He does need to exercise. He doesn't have time or desire to go to a gym so we're going to have to save up for a treadmill. I'm going to give it everything I've got.

 

Right now, I'm just feeling really defeated. All my life feeling sexy wasn't a problem but this is just making my head spin. He says it isn't me and it probably isn't but emotionally I feel it's my fault.

[atreides]

please dont feel defeated, there is light here... he seems to be trying.

 

Also remind yourself this, you are up against low T, depression medication and in part ED... 3 very deadly things against sexual arousal and fun.

 

He does not need to gym persay, but it will help. i only stated that as a means that i have used the product to try and boost my own T beyond normal limits for muscle gain...

 

It is most definitely not you, i wish i could drill that into you... keep trying no matter what... he is showing positive signs and get those toys.

[Brigid]

please dont feel defeated, there is light here... he seems to be trying.

 

Also remind yourself this, you are up against low T, depression medication and in part ED... 3 very deadly things against sexual arousal and fun.

 

He does not need to gym persay, but it will help. i only stated that as a means that i have used the product to try and boost my own T beyond normal limits for muscle gain...

 

It is most definitely not you, i wish i could drill that into you... keep trying no matter what... he is showing positive signs and get those toys.

 

I think the toys are a great idea I'm going to see if they have something at Brookstone. I don't want to order anything online. My depression and anxiety doesn't help the problem either. I'm emotionally pretty stable right now but sometimes I'm pretty bad so that is my fault. He's a good man who loves me more than any man I've ever known and for that alone I want to make this work. It's so easy to look at what's bad in a marriage and pick it apart. I've become much more aware (with the help of Eckart Tolle) to rest my mind and see what is good and right in front of me. Life really is short I don't want to spend my whole life feeling sorry for myself.

[jackslife]

It might not help but that's what he wants. So I'll go to GNC today and get him a bottle. He'll let me know if it doesn't work and maybe he'll go to the doctor. He does need to exercise. He doesn't have time or desire to go to a gym so we're going to have to save up for a treadmill. I'm going to give it everything I've got.

 

Right now, I'm just feeling really defeated. All my life feeling sexy wasn't a problem but this is just making my head spin. He says it isn't me and it probably isn't but emotionally I feel it's my fault.

 

Probably going sideways here but don't waste money on a treadmill. Garages up and down the land are full of static bikes and treadmills that people used a couple of weeks and now gather dust.

 

Get a couple of bikes (road or mountain) depending on your preference, good second hand ones are fine. You can go out together or he can blast off on his own. I bought one a few years ago and the weight fell off me, all those endorphins get released and ideal for depression. After a ride you come in hot and sweaty and full of life. Doesn't punish the knees and shins like running does, get to see the local countryside, meet people - a brilliant form of exercise.

[Brigid]

Probably going sideways here but don't waste money on a treadmill. Garages up and down the land are full of static bikes and treadmills that people used a couple of weeks and now gather dust.

 

Get a couple of bikes (road or mountain) depending on your preference, good second hand ones are fine. You can go out together or he can blast off on his own. I bought one a few years ago and the weight fell off me, all those endorphins get released and ideal for depression. After a ride you come in hot and sweaty and full of life. Doesn't punish the knees and shins like running does, get to see the local countryside, meet people - a brilliant form of exercise.

 

He has an expensive bike sitting in the garage collecting dust. I've screwed my back up from gardening so riding a bike doesn't work for me. He won't ride alone, I've been asking him to for years and he hasn't done it even once. If he doesn't use the treadmill I will. But I think he'll use it because he can watch TV while he walks.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Can't you insist, more firmly, that he go to the doctor? This thread is frustrating to read because it seems like a solution is not far out of your reach, yet he is refusing to grab it, and you keep offering him a free pass to do as he pleases.

 

Commitment to take care of one's health seems like a major (if often implicit/ unspoken) aspect of committing to another person through marriage.

 

I think you have been far too accommodating with him on this.

 

You can't force him to have sex, but you should be able to insist much more firmly that he seek medical help as the situation clearly warrants it.

 

I think it is telling of your depression that you are willing to accept decades of sexlessness when there is no real excuse, as an easier option to standing up for your needs. It's wonderful that you feel the relationship is rewarding in other aspects but IMO that does not mean you can't have it all (or at least can't expect that your husband make a reasonable effort).

 

It's ok to be a naggy wife in some situations.

Edited July 31, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise

[LovemySons]

I noticed my link didn't work before. Sorry about that! Here it is again: When Your Husband Isn't Interested in Sex - Focus on the Family. If for some reason it doesn't work, you can go to Focus on the Family's website. They have an article series on what you can do when your husband isn't interested in sex. Just a suggestion! It's definitely an important issue, but don't give up on your marriage. There is hope!