Women with kids, does my outlook make me a jerk

[truth_seeker]

you know who are more damaged since you are a truth seeker i will tell you what i feel...the fathers who abandon their children through selfish reasons and then expect single mothers to go it alone......

 

who are also really damaged are the children they are the ones who really suffer with abandonment often from being left in one parent families.....and for sure i don't want to be a dominant woman with any guy i am with, i dotn expect financial support i dont expect a guy to save me...but what you said about a saint......yeah i want a saint ...a nice guy who wont abuse me or the kids who wont use me for sex and wants to share my life including my kids, all the good times and all the bad and still be able to smile at the end of the day.......so a sir galahad or saint is welcome at my rectangular table that has eight chairs......the damaged guys who think single mums are sex vehicles he can go ......somewhere else...if that makes me damaged and a risk ....well so be it..

 

 

i have been a single mum for quite a while, seven plus years now, dated on and off....only recently though...i have five children one grandchild and exes who pay child support..and i am blessed not damaged....i think its quite unfair to expect single mums to be bitches ....i am not and i know many single mums who are hard working responsible adults.....they just have kids to consider .....first......i think its right for the op to not date single mums if it is his preference ...it is fair and not jerk like...your post was quite rude and judgmental on single mothers.....do you honestly think when mothers have children they set out to become single mothers....or do they just handle it best they can...i am actually submissive in a relationship with a guy but not when it comes to my kids or abuse......i step up ...that is not being a bitch ....i am a good mediator and prefer that to arguments or power struggles..deb

 

5 kids and how many exes? Sorry, but you seem a bit delusional. I wasn't rude, I was giving real life examples of of single mother's I've encountered. One was looking to be rescued... another made it clear she was out for herself and wanted a submissive guy.

 

You took my post way too personally.

[daisydook]

I don't want to be a step parent and never have. I have always seen this vision of being with someone and experiencing these things for the first time together. Children mean a lot to me, and I am kind of up in the air at the moment for the first time in my life. It is a little surreal to admit I may not want children. I have from the time I was a little lady.

 

I personally love children and have always wanted them, until recently. It isn't something that is in the cards for me right now, and it will not come easily (I have issues with infertility) when I do want them, if I decide to change my mind. Trying for my own children is daunting.

 

I am 30, and I will still not bend on that. Right now, I do not want children. Do I like them? Absolutely. I like them. Do I want them? No. So, in saying that, do I want someone else's children right now? No. I barely want my own damn children! Lol. I have no desire to be with someone who has children, and I do not mind being called selfish for it. I don't think it is selfish.

 

I do not think I am selfish. I am not built for it. At least I know this about myself. I also should not be made to feel bad for not wanting to be Step Mom of the year, or a Step Parent at all. Lol. You should not feel bad for it either.

[soccerrprp]

I am marrying a woman who has two young children of her own in less than a week.

 

My PREFERENCE was to date women who already had children. They can better relate to my own situation (single father with two young children of my own). My wife to be knows what she's getting into. I know what I signed up for. WE WANT to have this "blended" family. It will be awesome. Caucasian mother, brunette, blue eyes, fair skin; father, asian/african/and other, darker skin; two mocca colored children, almond shaped eyes; one dark-skinned of african descent boy, and the youngest, caucasian, blue-eyed, blonde girl. Talk about a Benetton family!

 

The vast majority of women I dated were women who had children of their own. I don't regret this. Not one bit...

[USMCHokie]

So you had no say in your SO moving and leaving her job to live with you? Just woke up one morning with her and her daughter on your doorstep?

 

You two are the adults. The child doesn't have a say in any of the adult choices you two made. Tell your SO to get a damn job. Should be simple.

 

No, her daughter goes to college in another state and goes home on breaks to her dad. She gets a monthly stipend from both parents. SO has done amazing for work while she has been out here where there is hardly any work to be had; it's just she's not making not she used to while maintaining same requirements, so I have to pick up the slack.

[Candy_Pants]

5 kids and how many exes? Sorry, but you seem a bit delusional. I wasn't rude, I was giving real life examples of of single mother's I've encountered. One was looking to be rescued... another made it clear she was out for herself and wanted a submissive guy.

 

You took my post way too personally.

And how is she supposed to take this post???

 

Examples are not the entirety. I've had some terrible experiences with men who have kids. Yet I have the maturity to know not every man with a child is like that.

 

There's nothing wrong with preferences. But putting down an entire group of people is going to cause some anger. Surely you can understand that.

[Candy_Pants]

No, her daughter goes to college in another state and goes home on breaks to her dad. She gets a monthly stipend from both parents. SO has done amazing for work while she has been out here where there is hardly any work to be had; it's just she's not making not she used to while maintaining same requirements, so I have to pick up the slack.

 

Ah...lifestyle choice of living outside of her means. Did you know she was like this prior to her moving there? Also, her daughter is in college? Close to your age?

 

I've never seriously dated men with college age kids. The children have all been 8 or younger. And I gladly pitched in. Even stayed up all night making two cakes for a birthday party. For all intents and purposes I was behaving as if they were my children. Because that's how I'd want my children treated by an SO.

[USMCHokie]

Ah...lifestyle choice of living outside of her means. Did you know she was like this prior to her moving there? Also, her daughter is in college? Close to your age?

 

Not the situation at all...I moved her out here under the assumption she would not be working, because job market is non-existent here. She has done more to find work than I would have ever expected...I make enough for it to work, but it's annoying to have to foot the bill for another person's kid.

 

And yes, daughter in college and significantly closer in age to me than my SO.

[TigerLilly78]

I don't think it makes you a jerk long as your respectful to them its dating preference like any other nothing wrong with that I wouldn't date a man with kids cause I don't feel I would be the best as a parent much less a step one its just not who I am at this point in my life anyways...

[daisydook]

I am marrying a woman who has two young children of her own in less than a week.

 

My PREFERENCE was to date women who already had children. They can better relate to my own situation (single father with two young children of my own). My wife to be knows what she's getting into. I know what I signed up for. WE WANT to have this "blended" family. It will be awesome. Caucasian mother, brunette, blue eyes, fair skin; father, asian/african/and other, darker skin; two mocca colored children, almond shaped eyes; one dark-skinned of african descent boy, and the youngest, caucasian, blue-eyed, blonde girl. Talk about a Benetton family!

 

The vast majority of women I dated were women who had children of their own. I don't regret this. Not one bit...

 

I like this. It made my heart all melty!

[truth_seeker]

And how is she supposed to take this post???

 

Examples are not the entirety. I've had some terrible experiences with men who have kids. Yet I have the maturity to know not every man with a child is like that.

 

There's nothing wrong with preferences. But putting down an entire group of people is going to cause some anger. Surely you can understand that.

 

If you re-read what I originally posted... I wrote a single guy is either a saint or a sap to get involved with a divorced woman with a kid or kids. If the woman is hard-working and devoted to her kids, then the guy is a saint for looking beyond her baggage and willing to embrace her despite being divorced and having kids. If the woman is one of those types where she is jumping from relationship to relationship, can't hold a job, and some guy is willing to accept her for that, then he's a sap. She will only use him up and never respect him.

[Els]

Nah, having preferences doesn't make you a jerk. People have the right to choose whom they do and don't want to be in relationships with.

 

Some of the disparaging comments about single mothers from a few other posters on this thread do make them jerks, though.

 

Edit: Actually, just one other poster.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Elswyth

[LuckyLady13]

A friend of mine managed to date a single stay at home mom with 4 kids from 4 different fathers. (Yes, I told him it was a big mistake and no, he didn't listen.) In the end, after a few short months, we found out she was dating 2 other guys besides him and all 3 of these men were giving her money and paying for things for her kids! It was amazing to see her manage all of this, really. She wasn't a supermodel or anything. She even managed to pit each guy against the other 2 by telling each of them "you're so much better in bed than _____ is" which created the most insane competition I'd ever seen.

 

I think my friend got himself into the worst possible case scenario.

 

Normally this is nowhere near the situation with single parents but I, along with quite a few other people don't think you're a jerk for feeling the way you feel about this. There are genuine people out there who got themselves into a bad situation and didn't realize it until after the kids arrived and had to make the hard decision to split from the other parent. You could some day go against everything you feel right now and end up with the most amazing, genuine person who has kids who makes you feel like you hit the jackpot and you have to pinch yourself to see if you're dreaming. You really never know!

 

I don't have kids myself and can't picture myself with someone who does, mostly because we just won't relate and I think it would cause a total disconnect between us in this aspect of the relationship. I think single parents are most times better off with other single parents who understand them. But I can't and won't ignore that the possibility exists that the right person for me just might have kids.

[Candy_Pants]

If you re-read what I originally posted...

Fair enough. Let's read it together.

I was set up with a woman who has two kids from two different guys. I went on a simple date and I couldn't get out of there fast enough... these women are damaged. That's the harsh truth. Any single guy willing to inherit that kind of baggage is either a saint or a sap.

I wrote a single guy is either a saint or a sap to get involved with a divorced woman with a kid or kids

Yes, but not before you insulted single mothers as a whole. Which was MY point.

 

You're going from single, freedom, to lockdown and instant dad. These women are looking for a guy to be the dad and gladly take on all the sh-t they bring to the table.

Once again you insulted single mothers. And you're doing it from quite an ignorant place I might add. Most individuals have "sh-t they bring to the table" (which can be either positive or negative but assuming you mean "baggage")... A single mother probably doesn't want just ANYONE in their children's lives. The mothers I've known take great caution in introducting a potential bf to their kids. And it's not to protect the man either. It's to protect the children. Quite frankly, from men like you who think kids are baggage.

 

Also, I will tell you this: a friend of mine (single, never married, no kids) is engaged to a woman who is divorced and has a kid. She admitted to me that she chose my friend because she is in control and makes the decisions. My friend is very passive, i.e., a b-tch, truth be told, and doesn't realize within 5 years he will be discarded. I know at some point, just from the times I've been around her and listened to her talk, she will take out all of her anger on him for what her ex did to her.

Have to admit your friend sounds cruel if she does what you describe here. Kids or no kids she'd be this way though.

 

Bottomline: single with no kids should meet other singles with no kids. If you're over 40, divorced with kids, you should be in the market for someone similar who can relate to you. It also eliminates any power control moves, as you're dealing with someone else who understands what it is like to go through a divorce and have kids.

 

That's my take.

Everyone gets to decide for themselves what they want. Empathy is a real thing and it means that just because someone hasn't had the same experiences that they can relate. Much like a man or a woman dating a single parent. And normal people have empathy btw. Its not just reserved for saints or saps. Edited July 28, 2014 by Candy_Pants

[truth_seeker]

Nah, having preferences doesn't make you a jerk. People have the right to choose whom they do and don't want to be in relationships with.

 

Some of the disparaging comments about single mothers from a few other posters on this thread do make them jerks, though.

 

Edit: Actually, just one other poster.

 

Have some courage and say it's me.

[truth_seeker]

Fair enough. Let's read it together.

Yes, but not before you insulted single mothers as a whole. Which was MY point.

 

Once again you insulted single mothers. And you're doing it from quite an ignorant place I might add. Most individuals have "sh-t they bring to the table" (which can be either positive or negative but assuming you mean "baggage")... A single mother probably doesn't want just ANYONE in their children's lives. The mothers I've known take great caution in introducting a potential bf to their kids. And it's not to protect the man either. It's to protect the children. Quite frankly, from men like you who think kids are baggage.

 

Have to admit your friend sounds cruel if she does what you describe here. Kids or no kids she'd be this way though.

 

Everyone gets to decide for themselves what they want. Empathy is a real thing and it means that just because someone hasn't had the same experiences that they can relate. Much like a man or a woman dating a single parent. And normal people have empathy btw. Its not just reserved for saints or saps.

 

Single mother's generally put themselves into bad positions.

[truth_seeker]

Nah, having preferences doesn't make you a jerk. People have the right to choose whom they do and don't want to be in relationships with.

 

Some of the disparaging comments about single mothers from a few other posters on this thread do make them jerks, though.

 

Edit: Actually, just one other poster.

 

Hey, I go on my life experiences. From the single mother's I've met... all of them made bad choices and from speaking with them will continue to make bad choices.

 

Baggage = kids, emotional trauma, unresolved anger issues as result of their ex or exes, financial support...

 

Odds are not good for a single person, never married, with no kids to have a successful and healthy relationship with a person who is divorced and with kids.

 

For those of you who are single mother's who keep failing at holding onto a guy, don't you get it that a single guy with no kids only looks at you as a piece of ass? Be smart and go for men who can RELATE to you. It's less likely they will use you for sex and lie to your face.

[LuckyLady13]

It didn't occur to me with my last post that my neighbor (who is a young, nice looking guy) has full custody of his daughter and even though I love hanging out with them when I have time and think his daughter is fun to be around and everything, I couldn't date the guy.

 

However, I do disagree with you about something, Truth Seeker. The guy isn't damaged or anything and the women I know who are single parents aren't either. As a matter of fact, most are so empathetic and can be the kindest, most understanding people in large part because they've grown up and had to care for someone other than themselves. It really changes a person when they aren't in charge of just themselves and their own lives but know what it's like to care for a little helpless child who relies on them for everything.

 

I've never met a woman (or man) who is bitter about their ex that they had kids with. No issues. No anger or anything. I'm wondering since you're from the Chicago area, is there something in the water up there?!? Or are you making an assumption that there has to be bad blood when two people split up and one grabs the kids and runs for the hills?

 

Their kids are much more important to them than their ex any given day of the week. My neighbor doesn't think about his ex. And he takes care of his daughter so well that it amazes me all the time.

 

Also, a lot of people learn from one hard mistake and never do it again so I'm surprised you think that a person can make a bad choice once for a partner and they're doomed forever. I'm really surprised you think that.

 

I know it's hard to understand someone if you haven't walked a day in their shoes. But having kids changes people and they get their priorities straight most of the time.

 

Even my friends ex (with the 4 kids) wasn't damaged or angry. She knew she had a great thing going for herself and laughed about it when I met her and was having a great time with all that free money coming in. She was having a blast using guys and playing head games with them. Men are just like toys to somebody like her and she was quite a happy person. I stood there in shock while she had the BIGGEST grin on her face! At the end of the day? She was happier than I was!

 

Women aren't damaged little helpless things.

[mammasita]

I guess this single mother who found this forum because she was dumped by her fiance, supports herself fully, owns a house and has a larger salary than any man she's met in the past 10 years is damaged and has made terrible decisions her entire life.......

 

Let me go cry in the corner......

Edited July 28, 2014 by mammasita

[isisisweeping]

Baggage = kids, emotional trauma, unresolved anger issues as result of their ex or exes, financial support... .

 

 

 

Well I suppose it's true if you define kids as baggage, every single parent has baggage.

 

 

 

 

I've never been used for sex. Not even once in my life. I've not had particular difficulty "holding on" to guys I want to hold on to. I'm a single mom. I've been asked out by both single dads and child-free guys.

They were not saints or saps.

[todreaminblue]

5 kids and how many exes? Sorry, but you seem a bit delusional. I wasn't rude, I was giving real life examples of of single mother's I've encountered. One was looking to be rescued... another made it clear she was out for herself and wanted a submissive guy.

 

You took my post way too personally.

 

 

ni i didnt take it personally, until you called me delusional, i just told my story to put a human aspect to single mums instead of the damaged goods in your dehumanizing post, you said guys should steer clear like toxic waste.....

 

i have five children and two exes one lasted three years and was a cheat, the second lasted fifteen years and cheated too, that is why the relationship had to end.i was actually engaged to both....they however accepted responsibility and dont treat me like toxic waste, they are friends of mine now....i am not at all delusional...i am a single mum.......i can have fulfilling relationships and i can be trusted...i am actually really loyal..i think you have been damaged by and are judgmental and unfair, based on a bias of perception that you have from meeting single mums who have their own problems...dont color all with the same brush because of personal bias......it is you have been damaged and exhibit a closed minded attitude ......if you dont want to date single mums that is fair based on your perception and experiences you have known, but dont dehumanize all single mums because of your experiences......everyone deserves a chance to be understood and respected, you included..deb

[truth_seeker]

ni i didnt take it personally, until you called me delusional, i just told my story to put a human aspect to single mums instead of the damaged goods in your dehumanizing post, you said guys should steer clear like toxic waste.....

 

i have five children and two exes one lasted three years and was a cheat, the second lasted fifteen years and cheated too, that is why the relationship had to end.i was actually engaged to both....they however accepted responsibility and dont treat me like toxic waste, they are friends of mine now....i am not at all delusional...i am a single mum.......i can have fulfilling relationships and i can be trusted...i am actually really loyal..i think you have been damaged by and are judgmental and unfair, based on a bias of perception that you have from meeting single mums who have their own problems...dont color all with the same brush because of personal bias......it is you have been damaged and exhibit a closed minded attitude ......if you dont want to date single mums that is fair based on your perception and experiences you have known, but dont dehumanize all single mums because of your experiences......everyone deserves a chance to be understood and respected, you included..deb

 

I'm not dehumanizing anyone... I'm calling a spade for a spade.

 

5 kids with two different guys, and both guys were scum who cheated on you. You made some bad choices being with these guys. That's a fair statement. Am I saying you're a bad person? No. I am saying you got serious baggage (kids, emotional trauma from exes, child support, expenses...) and no single guy in his right mind wants any of that. If I had 5 kids from two different women, I would have serious baggage and wouldn't expect any single women without kids to come near me. I could be the greatest guy in the world, and you know what, kids, baby mama's would turn them off -- that's the truth!

[Els]

Have some courage and say it's me.

 

Well, if you insist...

 

For those of you who are single mother's who keep failing at holding onto a guy, don't you get it that a single guy with no kids only looks at you as a piece of ass? Be smart and go for men who can RELATE to you. It's less likely they will use you for sex and lie to your face.

 

I'm not a single mother, and I'm not interested in men who've impregnated several different women either. The difference between me and you, is that I acknowledge that my preferences are just preferences, rather than making false blanket statements about ALL single mothers/fathers and expecting not to receive any sort of backlash for that.

[truth_seeker]

 

I'm not a single mother, and I'm not interested in men who've impregnated several different women either. The difference between me and you, is that I acknowledge that my preferences are just preferences, rather than making false blanket statements about ALL single mothers/fathers and expecting not to receive any sort of backlash for that.

 

Really? Look at what you quoted me on. Where in that quote do I say ALL single mother's? Just stop already trying to paint me as a bad guy.

[Els]

Really? Look at what you quoted me on. Where in that quote do I say ALL single mother's? Just stop already trying to paint me as a bad guy.

 

People who make blanket statements are damaged and just looking for validation for their misguided views.

 

Did I need to put an 'all' in that sentence?

[aussietigerwolf]

And for me, this is what grinds my gears the most...my SO's daughter has a close relationship with her father and so I see her as nothing more than a friend...yet I still have to pay for her sh*t because her mom left her job to move and be with me...

did you at any point tell the mother this? Especially before she quit her job and moved to live with you.