Addictions and Narcassism?

August 11, 2014

First I want to say, you brought me to tears when you say, You adore this woman. She is a lucky woman! If I am ever so lucky to hear those words, or feel that to be true; someone feels that way for me...I would be so blessed. That doesn't come along too often... I am happy for you, as you deserve that! And I hope she feels the same for you! When it's a two way street - yup, that's the best! :-) I wish you all the best, moving forward, into this next chapter of your life, moving, supporting her, her kids, etc. It takes a strong person to take such a move on.

I'm doing ok. Ups and downs today. I am not having too much faith in this "friendship" that we were supposed to have, work on. I think it is something that may come later down the road. It might be for the best. I'm too emotional right now, still mourning, still so many mixed feelings, sadness one moment, ok the next, want to talk with him, don't want to talk with him. Want to move on. Stuck. Feeling down. Feeling ok the next hour. Trying to stay positive. Having my moments here...

Dealing with other crap, with ex husband; college stuff re: our oldest son. It's a constant communication battle with him, to meet deadlines, pay bills, etc. It's so hard to do that with an ex, thru email or texting. So today was a rough day dealing with that...

My step mom called and that triggered me. I just broke down into tears. I didn't mean to, to put that on her. She has enough on her plate. But I just couldn't help it. She was so great, supportive, gave me some tough love, good advice, etc. I am lucky and grateful we are now friends. It was not always like that... They went to the Doc today and got some supplements to help with my dad's appetite and depression. Next step is get that biopsy. My dad does not want to. He does not like anything invasive. But hopefully within next couple of days he will come around, and understand the reality of the situation, and that it must be done. It is so sad; my step mom thinks he's in the denial stage right now. Which makes sense. That whole word, "cancer". Not easy to accept or see fully the reality... So hopefully they will get to the oncologist in next week or two, to get an biopsy, so we can have a clear picture of what is going on, to move on to next step - treatment options.

Life just is not easy sometimes, is it? Some days, it's just too much. I went away over the weekend, and part of me just didn't want to come back...Run away. Just how I felt. :-( It happens...

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope I feel better. I am going to try my best. I am my own worse hypocrite at times. Saying all these things, giving out great advice to people, but have my days when I just don't feel it... I guess I am human...

I am trying to smile...

M

August 11, 2014

First I want to say, you brought me to tears when you say, You adore this woman. She is a lucky woman! If I am ever so lucky to hear those words, or feel that to be true; someone feels that way for me...I would be so blessed. That doesn't come along too often... I am happy for you, as you deserve that! And I hope she feels the same for you! When it's a two way street - yup, that's the best! :-) I wish you all the best, moving forward, into this next chapter of your life, moving, supporting her, her kids, etc. It takes a strong person to take such a move on.

I'm doing ok. Ups and downs today. I am not having too much faith in this "friendship" that we were supposed to have, work on. I think it is something that may come later down the road. It might be for the best. I'm too emotional right now, still mourning, still so many mixed feelings, sadness one moment, ok the next, want to talk with him, don't want to talk with him. Want to move on. Stuck. Feeling down. Feeling ok the next hour. Trying to stay positive. Having my moments here...

Dealing with other crap, with ex husband; college stuff re: our oldest son. It's a constant communication battle with him, to meet deadlines, pay bills, etc. It's so hard to do that with an ex, thru email or texting. So today was a rough day dealing with that...

My step mom called and that triggered me. I just broke down into tears. I didn't mean to, to put that on her. She has enough on her plate. But I just couldn't help it. She was so great, supportive, gave me some tough love, good advice, etc. I am lucky and grateful we are now friends. It was not always like that... They went to the Doc today and got some supplements to help with my dad's appetite and depression. Next step is get that biopsy. My dad does not want to. He does not like anything invasive. But hopefully within next couple of days he will come around, and understand the reality of the situation, and that it must be done. It is so sad; my step mom thinks he's in the denial stage right now. Which makes sense. That whole word, "cancer". Not easy to accept or see fully the reality... So hopefully they will get to the oncologist in next week or two, to get an biopsy, so we can have a clear picture of what is going on, to move on to next step - treatment options.

Life just is not easy sometimes, is it? Some days, it's just too much. I went away over the weekend, and part of me just didn't want to come back...Run away. Just how I felt. :-( It happens...

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope I feel better. I am going to try my best. I am my own worse hypocrite at times. Saying all these things, giving out great advice to people, but have my days when I just don't feel it... I guess I am human...

I am trying to smile...

M

My initial intention will never be to make you cry. At least they sound like tears of joy! My uncle used to claim that crying is a sign of weakness. Just another example of why we were never that close. Emotions and feelings should always be embraced. Not so sure if she is lucky but thank you even still! I really do try to be a good person. I will always and at least give you that.

I think it will honestly take some time for me to 'fully' realize that the happiness is deserved. As a result of being treated so badly for so long. Not that I feel deserving of negativity and unhappiness at all. Just hard for me to fully process it I guess. Even though I have always wanted that extraordinary with someone. If that makes any sense at all.

I feel that my inner strength has prepared me well for the journey ahead. It is not going to be an easy one! There is no doubt at all as to that. Just one that needs to be taken. Because of what must be the end result later on. Her son is already being severely affected. I was in the living room earlier because my other half was lying down. She is a nurse and works nights on the weekend. He was being incredibly bossy to his sister. Who was really being great about it and taking it all in stride. Being that she basically idolizes her brother.

Not sure if I am right really. My guess though is that this behavior of his comes directly or indirectly from his father. After seeing his dad being so controlling and manipulative for so many years. So it is sort of hard to blame a seven year old boy with something like this. I did not step in this afternoon because he is incredibly sensitive and we both agree it is best for me to stay in the background right now. I told my girlfriend when she woke up and needless to say this is causing major stress. How I wish all of her pain would just go away. I feel so helpless at times with all of this, Missy. Just one of the challenges we both will face going forward.

So challenging to not know what your friendship will bring. Sorry to hear of the stress in relation to your son and ex husband. On top of all the doubt with your dad as well. Not to mention his likely definitive denial. The fact that you like to know what will happen with things compounds all of it even more. I am the same way as you already know. I wish you would only have great days. Just no way for it to be possible at this point. Too much going on within your mind. Too many things happening all at once. I suppose this really is the road we passionate souls are destined to take. One that is totally not like the majority. The hope is that you have more easy moments than hard ones. I totally get that you want to just run away at times. Just know that I am always here for you.

August 12, 2014

Wow - I hear ya. Part of my processing and trying to reflect on myself, is feeling the same as you. I was emotionally neglected as a young child in many ways, and into my teenage years. Tough times. I am afraid I've been "conditioned" to feel negative, unhappy, don't deserve happiness, or really know what that is, or means. I have my happy moments, but sometimes I feel very different from other people, like something is missing for me? Hard to explain, yes. I am assuming it's a trust issue, or a "can't be happy, can't go to that place, bc it won't last, it will be taken from me, people will let me down...". Because my whole childhood that was the environment. Both parents let me down consistently; that was the norm. All I knew.

I totally get it. I am struggling with my own mindset and feeling, wondering if perhaps I have chosen men I know may let me down. Expecting it before it happens. Setting the relationship up for failure before it even begins... Thinking I'm happy, or could be happy. But that is just in the moment, and deep down I know the **** I bring to the table, my demons, plus this other persons - will end things in the end. That maybe I really don't want, or just can't let myself go, let myself be with a good man. Because I know I'll set him up to fail... When it's really me who will run, fail the relationship??? Because I don't know how to be happy with a man. I'm so used to being alone. Because it's all I know, am comfortable with, had to learn at early age - can't depend on anyone except myself. Left home at 17.

Does this make any sense?

I'm sorry about your GF and her son. It's a challenging situation. And she must be tired from work! Yes, her son is def acting out as a result, reaction to his relationship with his dad, what he's been exposed to. And divorce affects kids... My exes son is the same. Super sensitive, controlling at age 12, gets very nervous or scared when his dad goes away, out for the night, on an airplane. A lot of anxiety. I think that is due to S addictions, drinking, partying, etc. That was happening just a few years ago, so the son remembers all that. Also that his dad "went away" for 9 weeks. (Rehab) I'm not sure his kids know the truth of where he went for 9 weeks. Then he came home, and moved out of the house...so, kids very hurt, confused. Tough situation... They are all in counseling, which is good.

It's not going to be easy. You have quite the journey ahead of you. I have not been in that situation, so I can't give too much advice. But can be an ear... Yes, the kids are going to act out in age appropriate ways. They will be confused, angry, scared, even though dad is sick, it's still their dad. My mom was a crappy mom, but I still put her on a pedestal when I was a kid. Bc she was fun! No rules! No boundaries! I was pissed when I couldn't be with her. Only stayed with her in summer, and sometimes Feb or April vacation. Sounds like similar situation as her kids will have... To ensure their well being, the best you can.

It wasn't until I had my own children, did I realize and see who she really was, what kind of parent, that she did not have the tools to be a responsible, loving parent. And when I had my kids, she was not a grandmother to my kids. Very selfish person. :-(

With love, support, understanding, patience - you guys will get thru this. As long as you are doing what's best to keep the kids safe and in a healthy, safe environment, that's all that matters. And the fact that you love, respect and support their mom - that is huge! You are modeling a healthy relationship for them! SO very important! So many of us have not had that provided to us...

Yes, right now you have to be a "friend" to them. It's her job to discipline them, talk about their dad, all those issues. You can be the fun guy, support right now. And how you live, your actions, unspoken choices, will model for them... And all your hard work and commitment to them, will pay off!

:-) They are very lucky to have you on their team! And it won't be all unicorns and rainbows! Just try to use some humor, whenever you can? Always a good thing...

Ok - great convo. Hope you guys aren't too stressed... Hang in there.

I am as well...

August 12, 2014

Wow - I hear ya. Part of my processing and trying to reflect on myself, is feeling the same as you. I was emotionally neglected as a young child in many ways, and into my teenage years. Tough times. I am afraid I've been "conditioned" to feel negative, unhappy, don't deserve happiness, or really know what that is, or means. I have my happy moments, but sometimes I feel very different from other people, like something is missing for me? Hard to explain, yes. I am assuming it's a trust issue, or a "can't be happy, can't go to that place, bc it won't last, it will be taken from me, people will let me down...". Because my whole childhood that was the environment. Both parents let me down consistently; that was the norm. All I knew.

I totally get it. I am struggling with my own mindset and feeling, wondering if perhaps I have chosen men I know may let me down. Expecting it before it happens. Setting the relationship up for failure before it even begins... Thinking I'm happy, or could be happy. But that is just in the moment, and deep down I know the **** I bring to the table, my demons, plus this other persons - will end things in the end. That maybe I really don't want, or just can't let myself go, let myself be with a good man. Because I know I'll set him up to fail... When it's really me who will run, fail the relationship??? Because I don't know how to be happy with a man. I'm so used to being alone. Because it's all I know, am comfortable with, had to learn at early age - can't depend on anyone except myself. Left home at 17.

Does this make any sense?

I'm sorry about your GF and her son. It's a challenging situation. And she must be tired from work! Yes, her son is def acting out as a result, reaction to his relationship with his dad, what he's been exposed to. And divorce affects kids... My exes son is the same. Super sensitive, controlling at age 12, gets very nervous or scared when his dad goes away, out for the night, on an airplane. A lot of anxiety. I think that is due to S addictions, drinking, partying, etc. That was happening just a few years ago, so the son remembers all that. Also that his dad "went away" for 9 weeks. (Rehab) I'm not sure his kids know the truth of where he went for 9 weeks. Then he came home, and moved out of the house...so, kids very hurt, confused. Tough situation... They are all in counseling, which is good.

It's not going to be easy. You have quite the journey ahead of you. I have not been in that situation, so I can't give too much advice. But can be an ear... Yes, the kids are going to act out in age appropriate ways. They will be confused, angry, scared, even though dad is sick, it's still their dad. My mom was a crappy mom, but I still put her on a pedestal when I was a kid. Bc she was fun! No rules! No boundaries! I was pissed when I couldn't be with her. Only stayed with her in summer, and sometimes Feb or April vacation. Sounds like similar situation as her kids will have... To ensure their well being, the best you can.

It wasn't until I had my own children, did I realize and see who she really was, what kind of parent, that she did not have the tools to be a responsible, loving parent. And when I had my kids, she was not a grandmother to my kids. Very selfish person. :-(

With love, support, understanding, patience - you guys will get thru this. As long as you are doing what's best to keep the kids safe and in a healthy, safe environment, that's all that matters. And the fact that you love, respect and support their mom - that is huge! You are modeling a healthy relationship for them! SO very important! So many of us have not had that provided to us...

Yes, right now you have to be a "friend" to them. It's her job to discipline them, talk about their dad, all those issues. You can be the fun guy, support right now. And how you live, your actions, unspoken choices, will model for them... And all your hard work and commitment to them, will pay off!
:-) They are very lucky to have you on their team! And it won't be all unicorns and rainbows! Just try to use some humor, whenever you can? Always a good thing...

Ok - great convo. Hope you guys aren't too stressed... Hang in there.

I am as well...

I write this the morning after the loss of Robin Willams. Feeling totally down to be honest. Sad that someone who made so many of us laugh could not find happiness in the end. He was such a generous and genuine talent. He has such amazing highs and suffered from such debilitating lows. Just goes to show you that all of us basically have the same problems at the end of the day. No matter how much money or fame we may accumulate. Trying like hell to control life before it controls us. "Genie, you're free".

It is true that we can be conditioned to feel negative. What a profound truth that is. This is why I knew that my positive had to be chased even harder. If that makes any sense at all. This is exactly why I could not continue letting my aunt and uncle in. Negativity is such a serious poison. I totally get all that you say.

I do think that unconsciously it has an effect on who we choose as partners. We end up searching for what we truly want most of all. Because of it being something we never really had. This causes us to perhaps rush into relationships with partners who are not really right for us. It is so hard to know what love is when there is the lack of experiencing that as a child. Maybe that is the easiest way to try explaining it. I used to eat up the attention of other women who were absolutely not the right match. I regret the hurt that was brought to so many women because of my insecurities and immaturity. Always hardest on my own self as you know. This is something I may not get over for awhile. Still struggle with it every day.

Time is all we have at the end of each day. I know that her kids are already traumatized. They have already seen and heard things no adult should ever have to witness. So sad that childhood is taken away and rushed so quickly these days. Kids have a right to enjoy their childhood. I will not stand on the side and let this monster of a man take away pure innocence. Well, not on my watch at least! Certain things I am just rather passionate about. Those who I care about top that list.

I worry that they do not have any boundaries and rules over at his place. They must enjoy having such freedom in some way. Eating sweets for dinner and not having a steady time to get in bed. Though, I also know that the drinking must scare them as well. Even though it is tough to process. I never had a real relationship with my mom and dad because of losing them so early. You are right in every way even still. At the end of their day, he is still their dad. My other half points out that I cannot get what was never given to me or experienced on this end as a child. Why would you want to be around someone who has personal rock concerts at three in the morning while you are trying to sleep because of being drunk as the dickens? My mind cannot process that at all. I guess it is hard to break the bond of a child and parent.

Your words of support and genuine friendship mean so much to me, Missy. We obviously have a few things in common and can easily relate to one another. That makes me truly value your opinion. Please know as you go through all of your own turmoil, that you are truly making a difference in someone else's life. Life is about trying to cope. I will try to take a page out of Mr. William's own book and use laughter as the best medicine. Perhaps this is a lesson we can all learn from on this incredibly sad day and after such a loss.

August 12, 2014

I write this the morning after the loss of Robin Willams. Feeling totally down to be honest. Sad that someone who made so many of us laugh could not find happiness in the end. He was such a generous and genuine talent. He has such amazing highs and suffered from such debilitating lows. Just goes to show you that all of us basically have the same problems at the end of the day. No matter how much money or fame we may accumulate. Trying like hell to control life before it controls us. "Genie, you're free".

It is true that we can be conditioned to feel negative. What a profound truth that is. This is why I knew that my positive had to be chased even harder. If that makes any sense at all. This is exactly why I could not continue letting my aunt and uncle in. Negativity is such a serious poison. I totally get all that you say.

I do think that unconsciously it has an effect on who we choose as partners. We end up searching for what we truly want most of all. Because of it being something we never really had. This causes us to perhaps rush into relationships with partners who are not really right for us. It is so hard to know what love is when there is the lack of experiencing that as a child. Maybe that is the easiest way to try explaining it. I used to eat up the attention of other women who were absolutely not the right match. I regret the hurt that was brought to so many women because of my insecurities and immaturity. Always hardest on my own self as you know. This is something I may not get over for awhile. Still struggle with it every day.

Time is all we have at the end of each day. I know that her kids are already traumatized. They have already seen and heard things no adult should ever have to witness. So sad that childhood is taken away and rushed so quickly these days. Kids have a right to enjoy their childhood. I will not stand on the side and let this monster of a man take away pure innocence. Well, not on my watch at least! Certain things I am just rather passionate about. Those who I care about top that list.

I worry that they do not have any boundaries and rules over at his place. They must enjoy having such freedom in some way. Eating sweets for dinner and not having a steady time to get in bed. Though, I also know that the drinking must scare them as well. Even though it is tough to process. I never had a real relationship with my mom and dad because of losing them so early. You are right in every way even still. At the end of their day, he is still their dad. My other half points out that I cannot get what was never given to me or experienced on this end as a child. Why would you want to be around someone who has personal rock concerts at three in the morning while you are trying to sleep because of being drunk as the dickens? My mind cannot process that at all. I guess it is hard to break the bond of a child and parent.

Your words of support and genuine friendship mean so much to me, Missy. We obviously have a few things in common and can easily relate to one another. That makes me truly value your opinion. Please know as you go through all of your own turmoil, that you are truly making a difference in someone else's life. Life is about trying to cope. I will try to take a page out of Mr. William's own book and use laughter as the best medicine. Perhaps this is a lesson we can all learn from on this incredibly sad day and after such a loss.

What a sweet post!

I'm not clear on what you've been through "The Kid" but it seems like you've probably done some good work in therapy.

I feel sorry for the kids of the "Facebook" generation. I'm GenX and we had it better. We didn't text - we talked. And there wasn't that much pressure to engage in drug use. Plus, only one girl in my high school had a baby and nobody I knew wanted to get pregnant; everyone wanted to go to Europe and college.

The one thing I can say is that mental illness is now very accepted. Me and my friends all suffered from depression and getting treatment was still considered taboo. I had to go for years without treatment because my mom would say "Oh there's nothing wrong with you."

(After my suicide attempt she thought differently. But that's another story for another thread.)

August 12, 2014

:-( I am feeling the same...my girlfriend told me about Robin, and I couldn't believe it. I looked it up online, saw a bit on TV, and cried and cried. I actually felt his pain. So so heartbreaking. To know people suffer that pain inside, while doing their best to give to others, share his gifts. But still battle these silent demons. Some of us know how that feels in a way. God, he was a special person and actor. Love The Birdcage. And yes, Aladdin rules! :-) Bless his family, and poor wife. And now he has that peace he was probably searching for his whole life...

Yes, we understand each other, and how our childhoods have impacted us. All the good and all the challenging. You are not alone! I also struggle every day with myself, what I can give and receive. Try to be the best mom, friend, daughter, I can be. I'm not perfect. None of us are. And we can't fix everything either.

Yes, I think you have the tools, heart, and determination to make a better life for you GF and her kids. Please just make sure you also think of yourself, be kind and gentle on yourself as well. It sounds like you are ready and prepared for what lies ahead. You have a lot of courage! And must truly love them. I give you a lot of credit! And only wish you strength as you guys move forward.

You are right - it's our responsibility to choose partners wisely. That is so hard, when you have an instant connection with someone, as I've had in my closest relationships. But yes, as time goes by, you discover there is so much more than that, that makes or breaks a bond. We are all on our own journey. And timing everything. Leaning what genuine love is, in a romantic relationship, takes time. Trial and error. As ALL the posts on here show! We must all meet and be with different people, in order to learn, mature, discover ourselves, what we want, don't want, are ready, not ready, what boundaries accept, don't accept, etc.

We've been thru it... Something these 20 year olds will someday understand...each break up serves a purpose. And puts us that much closer to that right person, some day.

Too many people, our society, "rush rush rush" now. Instant gratification. It is hurting relationships. Take time, have patience. This is my goal. Exhaling, try to find calm every day, among the at times, chaos. Take the good with the bad. Hard to see at times, especially when we get "hit" with a few challenges at a time. That's when we have to lean on friends, get it out, express ourselves, get out and exercise, do things for ourselves. Yes, good to give to others, but give to ourselves, too! That balance! I always give so much with a man. My goal next time around is to step back. Let him be a man. I guess I have a lot of masculine qualities perhaps? That has hurt me? I need to make some changes next dating experience and see what happens. Bc obviously what I've been doing, ain't working!!! Yes, change begins with US only. So that is what I'm trying to focus on...

Still mourning this loss. Trying to let it go. Have no expectations. No expectations=no disappointments. All I can do... I'm going full NC with this ex now. For me. We told each other we wanted friendship. But that may have been said under duress and too quickly post break up. I am moving forward. So I can only assume he is as well. If he meets someone new, she should be his new best friend, not me, an ex. I have respect for that.

Some people are meant to be in our lives for only a certain amount of time. To teach us what we need to learn, at that time. And circumstances change. People change their minds, move on. This is life. And hopefully done day it will make sense. Or not. We will be questioning it all until we take our last breath.

But let's live NOW, with all our "stuff" we carry. It makes us who we are. And if we're so lucky, some day will find someone who loves ALL of us. That is my wish for everyone. Accept and love all of youself - we are all loveable. We just to find that person who adores us. When you find it, never let it go. As long as it's a two way street... :-)

Keepin' the faith. Sad for Robin Williams. Really struck me as well.

Peace today...

Missy

August 12, 2014

:-( I am feeling the same...my girlfriend told me about Robin, and I couldn't believe it. I looked it up online, saw a bit on TV, and cried and cried. I actually felt his pain. So so heartbreaking. To know people suffer that pain inside, while doing their best to give to others, share his gifts. But still battle these silent demons. Some of us know how that feels in a way. God, he was a special person and actor. Love The Birdcage. And yes, Aladdin rules! :-) Bless his family, and poor wife. And now he has that peace he was probably searching for his whole life...

Yes, we understand each other, and how our childhoods have impacted us. All the good and all the challenging. You are not alone! I also struggle every day with myself, what I can give and receive. Try to be the best mom, friend, daughter, I can be. I'm not perfect. None of us are. And we can't fix everything either.

Yes, I think you have the tools, heart, and determination to make a better life for you GF and her kids. Please just make sure you also think of yourself, be kind and gentle on yourself as well. It sounds like you are ready and prepared for what lies ahead. You have a lot of courage! And must truly love them. I give you a lot of credit! And only wish you strength as you guys move forward.

You are right - it's our responsibility to choose partners wisely. That is so hard, when you have an instant connection with someone, as I've had in my closest relationships. But yes, as time goes by, you discover there is so much more than that, that makes or breaks a bond. We are all on our own journey. And timing everything. Leaning what genuine love is, in a romantic relationship, takes time. Trial and error. As ALL the posts on here show! We must all meet and be with different people, in order to learn, mature, discover ourselves, what we want, don't want, are ready, not ready, what boundaries accept, don't accept, etc.
We've been thru it... Something these 20 year olds will someday understand...each break up serves a purpose. And puts us that much closer to that right person, some day.

Too many people, our society, "rush rush rush" now. Instant gratification. It is hurting relationships. Take time, have patience. This is my goal. Exhaling, try to find calm every day, among the at times, chaos. Take the good with the bad. Hard to see at times, especially when we get "hit" with a few challenges at a time. That's when we have to lean on friends, get it out, express ourselves, get out and exercise, do things for ourselves. Yes, good to give to others, but give to ourselves, too! That balance! I always give so much with a man. My goal next time around is to step back. Let him be a man. I guess I have a lot of masculine qualities perhaps? That has hurt me? I need to make some changes next dating experience and see what happens. Bc obviously what I've been doing, ain't working!!! Yes, change begins with US only. So that is what I'm trying to focus on...

Still mourning this loss. Trying to let it go. Have no expectations. No expectations=no disappointments. All I can do... I'm going full NC with this ex now. For me. We told each other we wanted friendship. But that may have been said under duress and too quickly post break up. I am moving forward. So I can only assume he is as well. If he meets someone new, she should be his new best friend, not me, an ex. I have respect for that.

Some people are meant to be in our lives for only a certain amount of time. To teach us what we need to learn, at that time. And circumstances change. People change their minds, move on. This is life. And hopefully done day it will make sense. Or not. We will be questioning it all until we take our last breath.

But let's live NOW, with all our "stuff" we carry. It makes us who we are. And if we're so lucky, some day will find someone who loves ALL of us. That is my wish for everyone. Accept and love all of youself - we are all loveable. We just to find that person who adores us. When you find it, never let it go. As long as it's a two way street... :-)

Keepin' the faith. Sad for Robin Williams. Really struck me as well.

Peace today...

Missy

Hey, Missy! Just got back home from doing the family thing. We took the kids to the aquarium. Then, to dinner at the Cheescake Factory. They never got to do much with dad in the picture. The hope is they will see that healthy and happy families do fun things with one another.

I also felt parts of Robin's pain to be honest. Still sad to be honest. Yet, life moves on as we both know all too well. The hope is that they will let his family rest in peace. I guess some news footage earlier showed the outside of his home and got a little too personal. Let the family have all the time they need to grieve. We lost an amazing talent. They actually lost a husband and a father.

So nice to know we are not ever alone. Even when we may feel the most lonely of all. I am not a religious individual at all. Though, I am definitely spiritual all the same. Things truly do happen for a reason. Even when we may not realize it at first. No need to be perfect at all. Just try to be the best mom, daughter, and friend each and every day. I wish we could fix everything. Just probably will never end up being possible. So, all we can do is take care of those who are closest to us. Cherish all the blessing which have come to us. Who knows when are time here will be done?

There is so much that needs to be undone. Both of her children have seen so much negative. I observe these effects more as the days continue to pass. Taking a few deep breaths as I write this. Have to take all of this one step at a time. That is all we can do at this point.

Timing is truly everything! I have learned with my journey to find true love that it is not having to necessarily take your time on the actual clock which is as important as taking the time to make sure that all you are wanting in a specific partner is there. A complete connection in all possible ways. 'Time is not always a clock' so to speak. This is a line from the movie I am writing. We deserve to find that full happiness with someone. One which is: emotional, intellectual, physical, and sexual. Based on mutual love instead of instant lust.

Still think that you are a little too hard on yourself at times! No need to necessarily change everything about yourself. Though, it is always good to be analytical and reflective. How do I best try to explain this? I think that you have simply not met the right man. Not necessarily that you are doing everything wrong or that you need to act in a different way. So many attractive qualities going for you, Missy! I am not even easy to impress! It seems as if you would be a very passionate and positive partner and that anyone lucky enough to find you cannot help but be better for it.

August 12, 2014

What a sweet post!

I'm not clear on what you've been through "The Kid" but it seems like you've probably done some good work in therapy.

I feel sorry for the kids of the "Facebook" generation. I'm GenX and we had it better. We didn't text - we talked. And there wasn't that much pressure to engage in drug use. Plus, only one girl in my high school had a baby and nobody I knew wanted to get pregnant; everyone wanted to go to Europe and college.

The one thing I can say is that mental illness is now very accepted. Me and my friends all suffered from depression and getting treatment was still considered taboo. I had to go for years without treatment because my mom would say "Oh there's nothing wrong with you."

(After my suicide attempt she thought differently. But that's another story for another thread.)

Hi! Interesting that you bring up therapy. I found myself on the couch a few times during my childhood. My abusive aunt and uncle who raised me figured that it would be an easy way for them to provide something for me which would make them feel better about their own selves. So as to excuse and hide their actions in a way. I honestly never got anything at all out of it. Found the therapists I had to be either too controlling or not involved. That does not mean that therapy is wrong for everyone. It just was not really right for me. I had to experience life on my own and figure it out for my own self. I still am not close to perfect and have many scars from the past. Yet, I try to be proactive each and every day. So as to try turning the negative back into a positive. It is sad that mental illness still does not get all of the respect and understanding that physical diseases do. Both can be just as much of a challenge. No shame in someone needing help. My ex was bipolar and I know this all too well. May something good come of all of our pain.

August 13, 2014

Hey there, I. Sounds like you guys had a nice day! Awesome! Sounds like fun. My 15 year old went into our Aquarium last Friday (with a girl :-) We love the aquarium!!! That is nice to hear, and that yes, you are giving that family time and togetherness to her (I will call them "your" kids as well!) kids! So important. I think everything will be OK. I think this because even though they are in a negative environment with their dad, they can get away from it and have some normalcy with you and their mom. You give them that healthy environment. I think if children are getting that from ONE parent, things will be ok. Kind of like if you eat either vegetables OR fruit, you will be OK, get what you need. Would be better if you ate both, but hey, life is not perfect, nor ever will be... Again, they are SO fortunate to have you in their mom's life. And she as well.

And take one day at a time. Our paths will ALWAYS have twists and turns. Everyone is in the same boat! This is the human experience. I love that quote: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience..." :-)

It is going to be tough raising those kids, especially as they are not your biological kids. I will be honest. There will be challenges. I saw that with my stepmother. But I will tell you - it sounds like it is a healthy environment when they are with you guys, and if you get away from that negativity, and they are still fairly young, all will be OK, time heals all wounds.

I was raised by my dad and stepmother, and not even in the greatest of environments. I had TWO not so great parents! And I turned out OK. (I think... ;-) And today I am friends with my stepmother, with whom as a child, I hated! We did not get along! I spited her, for not being my "mother" and not being able to be with my mother as much as I wanted to. But I was a child, with a child's mind and comprehension...

Today we are SO close and I thank her for her sacrifice in raising us. The best she could, with the tools she had as a young 20 year old! Taking on FOUR young children, not her own! I am sure it was hell for her at times. I know this, she has told me. She has told me she felt like walking away, divorcing my father a few times. She wanted to give up. But she stuck in there, did the best she could. Now as an adult, I can see the truth. About her and also about my biological mother, who like their father, was NOT meant to be a parent. And I am SO THANKFUL to this day that I was pulled away from her, not raised by her!!!

So have faith - some day, after all your hard work, sacrifices, patience, love, sharing life with those kids - it will pay off. They may become some of your closest friends... :-) And they will respect you for all you did for them... Not now of course. You will have to ride the wave here, my friend, and understand all they are feeling, at their age. Not easy for them either...

I hope you are feeling alright tonight. I am still thinking about R Williams and talking with people about it. Such a loss. So sad. I cried for him, for his pain. I know the feeling of sadness and some depression, but not to that severity. I cannot imagine. His poor family, kids, wife. It just sucks so so badly. Yes, mental illness such a tough issue and not dealt with, as it should be. I feel for him that he struggled with issues, addictions it seems, his whole life. It makes me think about my ex, and have compassion. It doesn't change anything, but I feel for him...

I don't mean to "beat myself" up, but you know we all do that, from time to time. Especially after being rejected, a huge loss. It comes along with that sadness, questioning myself, my part, etc. I know I am not perfect. I know I didn't accept him completely, love him the best I could. I just couldn't. I hope that is just because he was the wrong person for me, it wasn't meant to be, he did see a future with me. I was hesitant in the relationship, afraid to "go all the way" because of his issues, anger towards ex, his focusing on her and his divorce, past, so much. He just was not ready for me or what I could offer. We on different time lines.

Yes, I hope to someday find someone who will be my best friend, have my back, laugh together, share life together with common interests and plan for a future together. That is what I want. To truly invest in something with someone. Who wants that same thing with me... It's worth waiting for. I am OK and content to be alone right now, to work on me, get thru this mourning phase, heal myself, get over this man completely, so I will emotionally healthy, happy, back to myself, etc. So I have a great person to offer to someone! :-) And he better be the same!

lol

Not looking for perfection...I just want that connection. I did have that with my ex husband in the beginning. I know what that feels like. That comfort level. Built on friendship and love, not passion or lust. I do know the difference. I believe I was moving towards a deep love with my recent ex. He just was not. You cannot move forward and think about a future with someone, when you are still stuck in the past. Very unhealthy and dysfunctional. And he was kind of wrapped up in this "magical" definition of love. And he placed sex too high on the totem pole. Because he had some sexual issues/addictions. Kind of an immature view of things, love. Yes, I agree sex is very important, or maybe more so, that intimacy, affection, not necessarily "sex" all the time, bc that is not what is going to get you thru the tough times, esp when you are older. That is where the deep friendship, partnership, love, and commitment comes in. I will not do that again! Live and learn!

We are all just doing the best we can! Thank you for the kind words. I do feel special and yes, worthy of someone also special. We shall see what the future brings... Just with my background, sometimes it's hard for me to see the trees thru the woods, so to say. I over think, question things too much. I know I need to relax, go with the flow. And things will work out as they should...In time. When it's right. I think if we all worked a little bit more on ourselves, some issues might be resolved. We can only change ourselves, and our reactions to others. We can never change another, or how they act. Only how we respond. That is our responsibility. So that is what I'm concentrating on...Learning from my past relationships, what do I want moving forward, etc. How to not be such a "giver" in a relationship with a man. Let him come to me...If he thinks I am of value, he will do the work to be with me, keep me, invest in me. That is what I want. :-) And I'm happy to meet lots of people, I have no problem doing that. But I will not settle. I'm getting to old for that...I want to trust in myself, I want to trust in another man again. I don't want to have that doubt that has plagued me, my last two relationships. And that is because I choose the WRONG men! I know this! So I will change my approach. I am actually a bit excited and feeling good about that. I have a coffee date on Friday morning. An older guy, which is very different for me. But he's very active and likes many of the things I do. We spoke on the phone today and it went well. So my journey continues...

:-) Keep busy, be positive, get out there, LIVE LIFE.

As we've seen, life is just too damn short, and can be taken from us at any time. Life is precious indeed.

August 13, 2014

Hi! Interesting that you bring up therapy. I found myself on the couch a few times during my childhood. My abusive aunt and uncle who raised me figured that it would be an easy way for them to provide something for me which would make them feel better about their own selves. So as to excuse and hide their actions in a way. I honestly never got anything at all out of it. Found the therapists I had to be either too controlling or not involved. That does not mean that therapy is wrong for everyone. It just was not really right for me. I had to experience life on my own and figure it out for my own self. I still am not close to perfect and have many scars from the past. Yet, I try to be proactive each and every day. So as to try turning the negative back into a positive. It is sad that mental illness still does not get all of the respect and understanding that physical diseases do. Both can be just as much of a challenge. No shame in someone needing help. My ex was bipolar and I know this all too well. May something good come of all of our pain.

i'm sorry you were abused. I hand you the official "Congrats on surviving your childhood" T-shirt. It's quite popular. Humans are strange creatures. They want to connect yet seem to have so much trouble doing so.

You do seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have given Missy some wonderful advice and support.

August 13, 2014

Hey there, I. Sounds like you guys had a nice day! Awesome! Sounds like fun. My 15 year old went into our Aquarium last Friday (with a girl :-) We love the aquarium!!! That is nice to hear, and that yes, you are giving that family time and togetherness to her (I will call them "your" kids as well!) kids! So important. I think everything will be OK. I think this because even though they are in a negative environment with their dad, they can get away from it and have some normalcy with you and their mom. You give them that healthy environment. I think if children are getting that from ONE parent, things will be ok. Kind of like if you eat either vegetables OR fruit, you will be OK, get what you need. Would be better if you ate both, but hey, life is not perfect, nor ever will be... Again, they are SO fortunate to have you in their mom's life. And she as well.

And take one day at a time. Our paths will ALWAYS have twists and turns. Everyone is in the same boat! This is the human experience. I love that quote: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience..." :-)

It is going to be tough raising those kids, especially as they are not your biological kids. I will be honest. There will be challenges. I saw that with my stepmother. But I will tell you - it sounds like it is a healthy environment when they are with you guys, and if you get away from that negativity, and they are still fairly young, all will be OK, time heals all wounds.

I was raised by my dad and stepmother, and not even in the greatest of environments. I had TWO not so great parents! And I turned out OK. (I think... ;-) And today I am friends with my stepmother, with whom as a child, I hated! We did not get along! I spited her, for not being my "mother" and not being able to be with my mother as much as I wanted to. But I was a child, with a child's mind and comprehension...

Today we are SO close and I thank her for her sacrifice in raising us. The best she could, with the tools she had as a young 20 year old! Taking on FOUR young children, not her own! I am sure it was hell for her at times. I know this, she has told me. She has told me she felt like walking away, divorcing my father a few times. She wanted to give up. But she stuck in there, did the best she could. Now as an adult, I can see the truth. About her and also about my biological mother, who like their father, was NOT meant to be a parent. And I am SO THANKFUL to this day that I was pulled away from her, not raised by her!!!

So have faith - some day, after all your hard work, sacrifices, patience, love, sharing life with those kids - it will pay off. They may become some of your closest friends... :-) And they will respect you for all you did for them... Not now of course. You will have to ride the wave here, my friend, and understand all they are feeling, at their age. Not easy for them either...

I hope you are feeling alright tonight. I am still thinking about R Williams and talking with people about it. Such a loss. So sad. I cried for him, for his pain. I know the feeling of sadness and some depression, but not to that severity. I cannot imagine. His poor family, kids, wife. It just sucks so so badly. Yes, mental illness such a tough issue and not dealt with, as it should be. I feel for him that he struggled with issues, addictions it seems, his whole life. It makes me think about my ex, and have compassion. It doesn't change anything, but I feel for him...

I don't mean to "beat myself" up, but you know we all do that, from time to time. Especially after being rejected, a huge loss. It comes along with that sadness, questioning myself, my part, etc. I know I am not perfect. I know I didn't accept him completely, love him the best I could. I just couldn't. I hope that is just because he was the wrong person for me, it wasn't meant to be, he did see a future with me. I was hesitant in the relationship, afraid to "go all the way" because of his issues, anger towards ex, his focusing on her and his divorce, past, so much. He just was not ready for me or what I could offer. We on different time lines.

Yes, I hope to someday find someone who will be my best friend, have my back, laugh together, share life together with common interests and plan for a future together. That is what I want. To truly invest in something with someone. Who wants that same thing with me... It's worth waiting for. I am OK and content to be alone right now, to work on me, get thru this mourning phase, heal myself, get over this man completely, so I will emotionally healthy, happy, back to myself, etc. So I have a great person to offer to someone! :-) And he better be the same!
lol

Not looking for perfection...I just want that connection. I did have that with my ex husband in the beginning. I know what that feels like. That comfort level. Built on friendship and love, not passion or lust. I do know the difference. I believe I was moving towards a deep love with my recent ex. He just was not. You cannot move forward and think about a future with someone, when you are still stuck in the past. Very unhealthy and dysfunctional. And he was kind of wrapped up in this "magical" definition of love. And he placed sex too high on the totem pole. Because he had some sexual issues/addictions. Kind of an immature view of things, love. Yes, I agree sex is very important, or maybe more so, that intimacy, affection, not necessarily "sex" all the time, bc that is not what is going to get you thru the tough times, esp when you are older. That is where the deep friendship, partnership, love, and commitment comes in. I will not do that again! Live and learn!

We are all just doing the best we can! Thank you for the kind words. I do feel special and yes, worthy of someone also special. We shall see what the future brings... Just with my background, sometimes it's hard for me to see the trees thru the woods, so to say. I over think, question things too much. I know I need to relax, go with the flow. And things will work out as they should...In time. When it's right. I think if we all worked a little bit more on ourselves, some issues might be resolved. We can only change ourselves, and our reactions to others. We can never change another, or how they act. Only how we respond. That is our responsibility. So that is what I'm concentrating on...Learning from my past relationships, what do I want moving forward, etc. How to not be such a "giver" in a relationship with a man. Let him come to me...If he thinks I am of value, he will do the work to be with me, keep me, invest in me. That is what I want. :-) And I'm happy to meet lots of people, I have no problem doing that. But I will not settle. I'm getting to old for that...I want to trust in myself, I want to trust in another man again. I don't want to have that doubt that has plagued me, my last two relationships. And that is because I choose the WRONG men! I know this! So I will change my approach. I am actually a bit excited and feeling good about that. I have a coffee date on Friday morning. An older guy, which is very different for me. But he's very active and likes many of the things I do. We spoke on the phone today and it went well. So my journey continues...
:-) Keep busy, be positive, get out there, LIVE LIFE.

As we've seen, life is just too damn short, and can be taken from us at any time. Life is precious indeed.

Hi! It was definitely a fun day! Just need to get exercising again is all! I must have gained at least five pounds the past two months! Totally notice it more than many because of my dad and all the issues he had with his weight. Moving to a warmer place will definitely help with this. We all will be in a much healthier climate which is conducive to exercise. Just one more thing we can look forward to!

Thank you for the terrific support! I am rather fortunate as well. She simply makes me feel things that I really never have before. Does these little things that she may not even really notice. I have to meet her ex today and am incredibly stressed. So last night, she rubbed my stomach and put me to sleep. It is sometimes the really small things which actually mean the most. I am really not used to getting them on this end. Much more used to trying to provide those moments to others. I am trying the best as possible to be appreciative and receptive. Just not easy to break these patterns all the time. I just have to realize that it is okay for me to be fully happy. Other women I had been with have no doubt cared for me. Just have not been able to show it like this. Sort of like your ex in so many ways. Words without backup can be kind of empty at the end of the day. I love both words and witing but still appreciate this.

Love that quote you were kind enough to share, Missy! You turned out much more than okay, silly! I suppose that all this is better because they are indeed still rather young. Many friends she has talked to at work and outside of it agree with this. They all know the situation with with her ex and tell us to run as quickly as possible. We may have to get her son out of school before the end of the year. It will not be easy at all for him to switch. Especially, doing it in the middle of a year. We are confident that he will make more friends out West. It would have been more complicated even still had the kids been just a little older. We know to be doing the best possible thing given the specific situation at hand. Just getting there which will be the challenge.

What sucks is that this jackass of an ex and his mother are making it so incredbly difficult on my girlfriend. Yes, his mother is actively involved in the whole process! How fu***** crazy is all of that crap! Talk about a total momma's boy! Here is the main issue as I see it. He treated her like dirt for so many years. Did not much else than drink and steal money. The stealing of the money was all behind her back. She did all the bills and made much more money than he did. He actually had the nerve to make it as if she was crazy and a bad budget balancer when there would be no money left! He would take her card to the store and get hundreds of extra dollars in cash every time. Not to mention what he stole directly from her purse. All the while still getting an allowance! He was never home and went to the bar every day right after work. Would come home and have the music blasting till three in the morning while everyone was trying to sleep. Drunk off his damn ass and not even being able to find the toilet. The alcoholic rages then became violent and he started to beat her. That is when she finally had to get an order to kick him out.

Yet for so long, she kept her mouth shut about what was going on. Never really tried to confront him. Not ever telling his mom and dad what was going on. So, they are under the impression that she has all this money stashed away. Which she is somehow hiding from them. He obviously has not been up front with his folks. Talk about a careless coward. Thus, they feel that he is entitled to his fair share so to speak. They also know that I am livng with her now. After the separation and all. Which makes them even more angry. They have no idea that the kids are not safe with him. Because, he is still in complete denial. They feel he is entitled to even more time with the kids moving on. This is the man I have to meet today. Feel like punching him in the face, Missy. I am not even a violent person. Just hate him and his family so damn much right now. Ugh, sorry for rambling so much! I just figured this may help you get a better picture of what is going on. So,we plan to leave after all our ducks are in a row. Yet, we worry that the courts may still protect his rights. After all, he put his penis in her vagina. He has rights. Well, within this country at least. Does not matter what kind of a person he is at all. Nor, that he has kids to protect. He is a functioning alcoholic. It is the kids who suffer from this system the most.

It does not need to be that her kids thank me now or later on. I have already resigned myself to the fact that they may never be able to forgive me. Cannot change or control how they will choose to react. What I can do is be a steady presence throughout all of this. I refuse to let a crooked man and backward system man take them down like this. They will have an equal and fair chance. I will personally make sure of it. My girlfriend thinks that I am completely crazy and should leave because that this is simply way too much to take on. Then, she rubs my stomach and puts me to sleep. Something no one has ever even done before. This is why I will always choose to stay. The little things that mean the most.

I have been sad about Robin Williams still. Especially not thrilled that some are calling him out as being selfish. For taking his own life the way he did. As if anyone else was in this man's mind and knew what was actually going on! Having bipolar disorder means that you are not balanced at all. Thus, you have the inability to think the way that others do. This is what makes it so incredibly sad. So many judges within this world. Not one single one of us deserves to wear the robe.

He just does not seem like the right person for you at all. At least not as a lifelong partner. Not based on the things which have been said. It is not a matter of who was right or wrong at the end of the day. Nor, who initially initiated the break-up. There is simply no way he could give you that extraordinary in the present while still locked up within the past. Even though that was what you were hoping for. That is the simplest way to put it. Time is all we have at the end of the day. We cannot spend all of our lives hoping for what will never really happen. Nor, what was simply not eveer meant to be. Does not mean that we give up right away. It just means that we need to take care of ourselves and make the most of each and every moment. That extraordinary is out there waiting for you. Right now is only part of the story. Your journey is far from over.

August 13, 2014

i'm sorry you were abused. I hand you the official "Congrats on surviving your childhood" T-shirt. It's quite popular. Humans are strange creatures. They want to connect yet seem to have so much trouble doing so.

You do seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have given Missy some wonderful advice and support.

Thank you for those sweet words. As adults, we tend to be guilty of having so much anger. Frustration we then take out on our young. This is how innocent lives become lost way too soon. Allow time for all children to simply be kids. It is a shame that this cannot always be the case.

Not sure about having a good head on my shoulders. I do have both body parts if that counts!

I have had the pleasure of crossing paths with many interesting individuals on this site. Have had many insightful and intellectual conversations each and every day with various people. Missy is a magnificent woman. It is a privilege she considers me as one of her friends.

August 13, 2014

Ian - I am thinking of you! Oh, I'm so sorry what and who you have to face today! I am sending you SO SO much support and strength. Given what you've told me, this is not a healthy, kind, loving person. Yes, he has issues. We all do. The difference is when people intentionally hurt others - stealing, lying, hitting another person! Being physical! NO - that is evil and I'm sorry, NO EXCUSE. F ing *******, yes. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way. If he was physical with her, or those kids. And YUCK - the mother, family supportive of him! They must know how he is. There you go - TRUE codependency and so disgusting. I feel your pain, believe me. Truly.

One of my best friend's was in an abusive relationship. Guy is a total prick. This comes down to extreme low self esteem, hence the power thing. He had sick sexual stuff, too. Made her dress up, do things she didn't want to, hit her, verbally abused her, controlled the money, where she went. She finally left him, divorced him. To this day he still is trying to hurt her, control her. He keeps switching jobs, taking on contract work, so he can "ride" or skirt the system. He is not paying her child support. She is struggling and struggling. Works her butt off, gives her son all he needs. Is the best mother. This ******* is slipping thru the cracks. End of this month she is going to court and see what she can do. She was so afraid of this man, and the emotional tole he did on her. But I am hoping she is going to take back HER power, and stick it to him. Hopefully the system will do it's job - track this prick down, and make him pay his child support. Or he will be arrested. Hope that happens. Consequences. He deserves nothing less.

I hope you guys are keeping a log, keeping track of everything this ******* does, that hurts or impacts the kids, or her. You will need all you can get, have, proof, when you go to court. Is she going to ask for full physical and legal custody? I hope so. Yes, all of it sucks. Fighting the system. Even in my own divorce, I got a bit screwed. ExH had more money, so better lawyer, so he had the power.

All I can tell you for today, my advice: DO NOT STOOP to this moron's level. He will pay the price some day. If not today, some day. Karma is a bitch. You hold YOUR head up high. YOU be a man of strength and character. No one can take that away from you. Continue to set a good example for those kids. I'm sure you want to punch him in the face, or worse. I felt this way about my sick, bitch of a sister. But you have to let it go. They are living in their own hell. Keep that thought. So his his loser family, mother. They all sound like idiots, selfish, not nice people. Fine - let them all "lie in bed together". YOU know the truth. That is all that matters.

And FIGHT. Get away! YES! Be strong! Make it happen! Do not care what anyone thinks. If that is what your GF wants. Those are her kids. She must make it so she has all the legal rights. To protect them. You guys must PROVE he is an unfit father. That is key. Sure you know this already...I'm just PISSED for you guys right now!!! Some damn people have NO rights to their kids, sorry. They LOST those rights when they do not treat their kids in loving manner, or don't provide proper care for them, living conditions. You have to prove that he is not doing what is in the best interest of them! That is all that should matter. God, I hope the courts do their damn job! SO SO frustrating!

I'm not super religious either. But there are times I say prayers for my friends. This is one of those times... Praying for you. Praying you both stay strong. If you do, you will have the power. Let him be a total dick. His choice. Your choice how you react. Do not let him have that control over you. F him.

Go for a long walk, blast the music and scream along. Do something nice for yourself and your GF, the kids. Keep writing, journaling, getting out the anger... You know what to do. :-) He is NOT worth it. SO SO hard, I know! Because he is hurtful to those you love. That is a hard thing to witness. So I understand. I just don't want any ******* to have that power over another, or someone I think worthy. And you are WORTHY.

His choice to be a crappy father. There are consequences to that. You guys will move away. He will suffer. Whatever. He makes his choices. You make yours. Just how it goes...

God, I hope all works in your favor. For those innocent kids. It's too bad his family does not see how this man is damaging himself, his life, his kids' lives. Why don't they get him into treatment??? But as they say, you can't make anyone change, only they can, when they hit rock bottom. Something drastic happens. Maybe losing his kids, you guys moving will move him towards trying to recover. Maybe not. Yes, there are addicts who are good people doing good things and not hurting people intentionally. Then there are sick people without empathy, like this man you are dealing with - who are addicts and also hurt people! Too far gone... The whole thing is awful.

I can't wait until you guys can get away...That needs to happen. No question.

I hope to hear from you later. Sending my prayers, hug, positive strength.

- Missy

August 13, 2014

Ian - I am thinking of you! Oh, I'm so sorry what and who you have to face today! I am sending you SO SO much support and strength. Given what you've told me, this is not a healthy, kind, loving person. Yes, he has issues. We all do. The difference is when people intentionally hurt others - stealing, lying, hitting another person! Being physical! NO - that is evil and I'm sorry, NO EXCUSE. F ing *******, yes. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way. If he was physical with her, or those kids. And YUCK - the mother, family supportive of him! They must know how he is. There you go - TRUE codependency and so disgusting. I feel your pain, believe me. Truly.

One of my best friend's was in an abusive relationship. Guy is a total prick. This comes down to extreme low self esteem, hence the power thing. He had sick sexual stuff, too. Made her dress up, do things she didn't want to, hit her, verbally abused her, controlled the money, where she went. She finally left him, divorced him. To this day he still is trying to hurt her, control her. He keeps switching jobs, taking on contract work, so he can "ride" or skirt the system. He is not paying her child support. She is struggling and struggling. Works her butt off, gives her son all he needs. Is the best mother. This ******* is slipping thru the cracks. End of this month she is going to court and see what she can do. She was so afraid of this man, and the emotional tole he did on her. But I am hoping she is going to take back HER power, and stick it to him. Hopefully the system will do it's job - track this prick down, and make him pay his child support. Or he will be arrested. Hope that happens. Consequences. He deserves nothing less.

I hope you guys are keeping a log, keeping track of everything this ******* does, that hurts or impacts the kids, or her. You will need all you can get, have, proof, when you go to court. Is she going to ask for full physical and legal custody? I hope so. Yes, all of it sucks. Fighting the system. Even in my own divorce, I got a bit screwed. ExH had more money, so better lawyer, so he had the power.

All I can tell you for today, my advice: DO NOT STOOP to this moron's level. He will pay the price some day. If not today, some day. Karma is a bitch. You hold YOUR head up high. YOU be a man of strength and character. No one can take that away from you. Continue to set a good example for those kids. I'm sure you want to punch him in the face, or worse. I felt this way about my sick, bitch of a sister. But you have to let it go. They are living in their own hell. Keep that thought. So his his loser family, mother. They all sound like idiots, selfish, not nice people. Fine - let them all "lie in bed together". YOU know the truth. That is all that matters.

And FIGHT. Get away! YES! Be strong! Make it happen! Do not care what anyone thinks. If that is what your GF wants. Those are her kids. She must make it so she has all the legal rights. To protect them. You guys must PROVE he is an unfit father. That is key. Sure you know this already...I'm just PISSED for you guys right now!!! Some damn people have NO rights to their kids, sorry. They LOST those rights when they do not treat their kids in loving manner, or don't provide proper care for them, living conditions. You have to prove that he is not doing what is in the best interest of them! That is all that should matter. God, I hope the courts do their damn job! SO SO frustrating!

I'm not super religious either. But there are times I say prayers for my friends. This is one of those times... Praying for you. Praying you both stay strong. If you do, you will have the power. Let him be a total dick. His choice. Your choice how you react. Do not let him have that control over you. F him.

Go for a long walk, blast the music and scream along. Do something nice for yourself and your GF, the kids. Keep writing, journaling, getting out the anger... You know what to do. :-) He is NOT worth it. SO SO hard, I know! Because he is hurtful to those you love. That is a hard thing to witness. So I understand. I just don't want any ******* to have that power over another, or someone I think worthy. And you are WORTHY.

His choice to be a crappy father. There are consequences to that. You guys will move away. He will suffer. Whatever. He makes his choices. You make yours. Just how it goes...

God, I hope all works in your favor. For those innocent kids. It's too bad his family does not see how this man is damaging himself, his life, his kids' lives. Why don't they get him into treatment??? But as they say, you can't make anyone change, only they can, when they hit rock bottom. Something drastic happens. Maybe losing his kids, you guys moving will move him towards trying to recover. Maybe not. Yes, there are addicts who are good people doing good things and not hurting people intentionally. Then there are sick people without empathy, like this man you are dealing with - who are addicts and also hurt people! Too far gone... The whole thing is awful.

I can't wait until you guys can get away...That needs to happen. No question.

I hope to hear from you later. Sending my prayers, hug, positive strength.

- Missy

I am going to suggest something which may sound totally stupid. It is so much of a challenge to go on about myself like this. So used to focusing all of myself on others all the time. Out of my own volition of course. Being there for others makes me happy. Sure, it hopefully helps the other person. Which then makes me feel a kind of happiness I cannot even express. Almost leaving me speechless with smiles to be honest. But, helping someone sort of helps myself. Because being there for others makes me happy. So, I actually feel sort of selfish as a result. Easiest way to express it. Does that make any sense at all?

I do know that not all can be figured out on my own. Even as used to it as I used to be. I sense that you can relate to this because of being forced to grow up so quickly as well. I just feel incredibly selfish talking about my own sh** at times. All I can do is realize that you also choose to be there forme. Out of your own volition as well. I will one day realize fully that I am worthy of being cared about. Just going to take time for me fully accept I think. So, thank you for choosing to listen to me, Missy. I want you to know that it never will go without notice.

Just also realize that all you offer makes me only want to give back more! Even when talking about me, I still think about you as well! So first of all, please tell me how you are doing today! Any news with your dad may I ask? I realize that will be an ongoing process. Sounds as if you are still conflicted as to the ex. With how to proceed with friendship as opposed to no-contact. Let yourself heal as works best for you. Without any concern for anything else.

I am lucky enough to at least report this morning that the physical violence has not extended to the children. At least, not as of yet. He has so many issues to be honest. So many that obviously come from his mom and dad. Still, his own responsibilty at the end of each day. What is the most scary of all is that his mom considers herself a practicing Catholic! Had the nerve awhile back to think that she deserved full custody! What would the bible say about taking away children from their mom? Or about taking money from those who do not have it after already helping yourself all the time? She is though under the impression that the money was all pi**** away by my other half. Because her son is a coward and will not tell his mom where it really is. She wants to see all of their actual financial records. Along with her attorney as well. Being that my girlfriend was always the one in control of all money. Let his mom see the $2,000 loan that she had to take out earlier this year to fix his truck. Not to mention all else as well. Perhaps he will end up digging his own damn grave.

So sad to hear about your friend. It is almost as if the system protects the pric** and hinders the providers. Just because he put his own in her within our situation. He is the father and thus automatically has rights. Sick that we are such in a rush to come up with the easiest solution that specific situations are never addressed. Make sure the court and those highest up get as much money as possible. Punish the person who just made a mistake when he/she got with a selfish jerk. No matter how horrible of a parent he/she may be. Divide it all into half. It is all fair that way and no one gets totally screwed. He is after all only an abusive alcoholic. One who fully functions. He still has rights.

We are willing to give up summers and some holidays if that is what needs to be and what gets us away from him. Only time will tell. Right now they go with him once a week and on all weekends. If the court makes her stay all because of his damn rights and ignores the fact we will be able to provide them with: more opportunity out there as a result of our jobs, therapy for everyone, (both of which we will have ready to present) and a healthier lifestyle, then there will be a serious problem. I will simply not be able to accept it.

I appreciate all you say about not going down to his level. I promise not to actually throw any punches! Just feel like I am wanting to is all. We will both fight with words and the truth. Just that life is just not fair at times. I will always protect those who mean the world to me. Will always do what is best for kids. We tend to forget that they are so innocent and vulnerable. Does not mean that they have no real rights or opinions.

Hopefully, today is bringing you some smiles! I will have a full report of our meeting very soon. Thank you for sending me some strength!

-Ian

August 14, 2014

Ian - just thinking of you guys and hope all went ok. As ok as it could go...Was this a meeting to let him know you guys planning on moving? Or about going to court? I really hope it wasn't too stressful. Or you are able to relax tonight, exhale...not easy at all. I can't imagine. It's just not right. Some people should not be allowed parental rights. Yes, just because you provided sperm or squeezed a kid out of your vagina, doesn't make you a parent! Total BS.

I'm doing ok. Weak moment and almost emailed ex. But I didn't. I really don't know what to do, if I truly want to be friends with him, if he is a friend to me, can be a friend to me, do I want or need him as a friend anymore? I just don't know. I'm getting closer every day to understanding the TRUTH that we don't belong together, we are too different. Love is never enough. Especially when you get to my age...too many issues, baggage, family drama, my kids older and almost on their own, his young. A lot of things that when I really think about it, I don't think I would want to be a part of. Yes, so much good between us, but I can't forget about the negative things, our differences.

I was a rebound for him. I know this. I knew it. And I stayed. My own issues, as we've discussed. I just believed in time, after many months, he would realize what we had, and fight for me, for us, make some changes for our relationship, to make me feel like a priority. That there was an "us". That faded away by month 8. The honeymoon phase was over. And he couldn't deal. I was just too much stress for him, on top of all his other **** he dealing with. Neither one of us happy at end. Just "faking it till we make it" kind of deal. Not right or healthy. So sad. But this is how it goes...

Relationships run their course. So hard to let go... Just feeling sad today. I know in time it will pass. Even though I know in my head it's the right thing, my heart is sad. I miss our routine, all we did share, good times. But I guess I'm just living in "fantasy land" and mourning what was. In reality, it was not happy at the end. I have to keep remembering that! NOT how it was in the honeymoon phase! Duh! He showed his true colors. He could not love me or give to me the way I wanted. And also, right now, our lives too different... Sad, but just how it is. I know we love each other in our way. But sometimes in spite of loving someone, too many other factors. And you have to say Goodbye... I really don't want to, so unsure right now. Re: ability to be friends, if that's really what I want. It's not about him anymore. So right now, I do nothing. Give it time. No contact. Best for both of us. We both need to mourn. He can't have two women he's still hung up on! lol Or maybe he's just fine about me, over me already... I guess that hurts, honestly. How replaceable I am to him. Wow. Who knows...

But hey, his loss. But I have feelings, still stings.

Hopefully in a couple weeks or so, I won't be talking about him anymore! Let's hope so!!! ;-) rrrggg!

My dad is as is...hopefully he will agree to get a biopsy soon, in order to get clearer picture, then be able to discuss treatment options...waiting to find out if he's going to agree to that... He got some medication to stimulate his appetite. We are concerned his depression is affecting his appetite. He really can't keep losing weight! Not good. :-(

Thanks for asking. One day at a time...

August 14, 2014

Ian - just thinking of you guys and hope all went ok. As ok as it could go...Was this a meeting to let him know you guys planning on moving? Or about going to court? I really hope it wasn't too stressful. Or you are able to relax tonight, exhale...not easy at all. I can't imagine. It's just not right. Some people should not be allowed parental rights. Yes, just because you provided sperm or squeezed a kid out of your vagina, doesn't make you a parent! Total BS.

I'm doing ok. Weak moment and almost emailed ex. But I didn't. I really don't know what to do, if I truly want to be friends with him, if he is a friend to me, can be a friend to me, do I want or need him as a friend anymore? I just don't know. I'm getting closer every day to understanding the TRUTH that we don't belong together, we are too different. Love is never enough. Especially when you get to my age...too many issues, baggage, family drama, my kids older and almost on their own, his young. A lot of things that when I really think about it, I don't think I would want to be a part of. Yes, so much good between us, but I can't forget about the negative things, our differences.

I was a rebound for him. I know this. I knew it. And I stayed. My own issues, as we've discussed. I just believed in time, after many months, he would realize what we had, and fight for me, for us, make some changes for our relationship, to make me feel like a priority. That there was an "us". That faded away by month 8. The honeymoon phase was over. And he couldn't deal. I was just too much stress for him, on top of all his other **** he dealing with. Neither one of us happy at end. Just "faking it till we make it" kind of deal. Not right or healthy. So sad. But this is how it goes...

Relationships run their course. So hard to let go... Just feeling sad today. I know in time it will pass. Even though I know in my head it's the right thing, my heart is sad. I miss our routine, all we did share, good times. But I guess I'm just living in "fantasy land" and mourning what was. In reality, it was not happy at the end. I have to keep remembering that! NOT how it was in the honeymoon phase! Duh! He showed his true colors. He could not love me or give to me the way I wanted. And also, right now, our lives too different... Sad, but just how it is. I know we love each other in our way. But sometimes in spite of loving someone, too many other factors. And you have to say Goodbye... I really don't want to, so unsure right now. Re: ability to be friends, if that's really what I want. It's not about him anymore. So right now, I do nothing. Give it time. No contact. Best for both of us. We both need to mourn. He can't have two women he's still hung up on! lol Or maybe he's just fine about me, over me already... I guess that hurts, honestly. How replaceable I am to him. Wow. Who knows...
But hey, his loss. But I have feelings, still stings.

Hopefully in a couple weeks or so, I won't be talking about him anymore! Let's hope so!!! ;-) rrrggg!

My dad is as is...hopefully he will agree to get a biopsy soon, in order to get clearer picture, then be able to discuss treatment options...waiting to find out if he's going to agree to that... He got some medication to stimulate his appetite. We are concerned his depression is affecting his appetite. He really can't keep losing weight! Not good. :-(

Thanks for asking. One day at a time...

Hi! So, survived the meeting with this moron. It is actually the first time I have ever met him. His mom and lawyer have pushed him to meet me as of late. I decided to willingly give him my full name and also date of birth. I have nothing at all to hide. I met him when he came to pick up the kids last night. They sleep over there Wednesday. My girlfriend was right with me. It went about as well as could be expected. Said that he knew she has to move on and that this day was bound to come. He said the only thing that he asks is I am 'good around the children'. I assured him that this would always be the case. He went on to ask me if I have a job yet. We are getting ready to move at the end of this year and thus cannot sign a contract. I told him that there was no job lined up yet. He cannot know that we are moving at this point! Then, he went on to brag about this new plan that his buddies had come up with. To get together in the parking lot after work and drink. "Just like old times" were his actual accolades. Seemed really excited about this remarkably important and insightful news. Shows you where his true priorities sit. So sad that someone's life literally centers around alcohol. Nothing one can do when a sad soul is in denial. As I am sure you know all too well.

Not an easy day yesterday on this end. My other half realized it was supposed to be the birthday of her deceased mother. This was not an easy relationship at all. She spent a large part of the day crying. We went to a good Mexican restaurant and then over a friend's house. Her friends tried to calm us down about all of this. They know that we are planning to move. They also know her soon to be ex very well as well. Her friend was actually over at the house the day he threatened to kill her. That was when she got the temporary protection from him and what led to him finally moving out of the house. Worst case scenario they said is that we will have to stay here. Because of his rights being a father. Since he is only a raging and abusive alcoholic and not a defintiive drug dealer or anything. He is basically a functioning freak. I actually refuse to accept this, Missy. He and his family have already taken enough from this poor woman and her children. The gig is up so to speak. Even if I have to go all Gran Torino and all. I am more than willing to make that sacrifice at this point.

Proud of you for not e-mailing him in the end! Even though this was your initial thought. You have already extended your hand in friendship once again. It is almost as if he needs to make the net move. You have always done more than enough on that end. He never was able to be the intimate partner you want and deserve. Let him show through actions that he finds your friendship to be important. He knows exactly where you are and will contact you if he desires. No matter at all what kind of other sh** he is going through. Life is all about priorities. Friends make effort and time to be there.

The key is that there was no sign he would fight for you. Not necessarily when push really came to shove. That is what you do when you truly love someone. Easy to laugh and have a load of fun when times are calm. The true test of a relationship is when they are not. Not saying that everyone has to be completely crazy like me and be willing to take on this kind of stress. Just that there should be some sense that the other person has your back is all. There is no question that it's all his loss at the end of the day. Not too many women like you out there. You were willing to give him everything moving forward. He was not even able to provide you with anything at all because of being stuck so much in the past.

So sad to hear about your dad. How often do you see and talk to him? Cannot even imagine what he must be going through at this point. All you can do there at the end of each day is be there for him. Sucks that nothing at all in life is permanent. If only Adam and Eve had not shared that apple. We would have never had to suffer at all. Nor would we have been able to feel either. Not many feelings out there like love. You have so much damn love to share with someone. Just have to come across someone who will love you back. This is one of my main hopes for you moving forward.

August 14, 2014

Hey - Sounds like you handled things well. Or as well as you could! No, not easy being in the same room with this person, I'm sure! Takes a lot of strength and restraint! I hear ya!!! So frustrating, I'm sure. But unfortunately, he still is the "father", so yes, should meet this man who is around his kids... Not that he really should have a say in that, and it makes no logical sense. But sometimes things just don't make sense, and we don't have all the control...Just the way it goes. He can say whatever he wants. He can drink and be a loser. He can lie and steal. And so can his mother, family. Those are THEIR choices. All you can do is control how YOU react. And if you love and want to commit to this woman and her children, yes, that is a responsibility you choose to take on. And he is going to have to accept that. Kicking and screaming, I'm sure...But all you can do is your best! And sounds like you are! I just wish the best for you all, on this journey.

I hope you are able to move away. It will best for everyone! I really really hope the court/judge sees it that way. And does what is in the best interest of the children. That is all that really matters. And will compromise - since you guys will let the kids come back in the summer, vacations, or whatever you work out... Yes, just care about those kids! Innocent. The past is water under the bridge...Just have to provide as healthy as an environment as you can, when they are in your care. And take one day at a time... :-)

I'm doing ok. I understand all you are saying about the ex. He has stuff to deal with. He was unable to be in a romantic relationship with me. He doesn't quite understand or comprehend how a healthy relationship works. A lot of that is bc of his F ed upbringing as well. Yes, as I've said, I'm attracted to others with struggles, as well. I can connect with that. And he was doing a lot of good, healthy things to TRY to move forward. He was just STUCK. So if one person wants to move forward, and the other stuck = Will not work. Have to walking that path TOGETHER. Of course issues, challenges, baggage at our age! I got some, too! Hello! But we just couldn't seem to understand each other, went around in circles. It wasn't all his fault. I have understanding now. Yes, I get mad still. I get sad. But I can see it objectively and clearer and clearer everyday. Not that I am out of it, clearing my head, heart, getting those "love addiction" chemicals out of my system. Rrrggg! Breaking away from the "what ifs", "whys?", thinking of all the good times. Understanding that we just too different in the things that REALLY matter. Goals, future, values, boundaries, over the past, etc. Sure, I bitch and moan and talk about my past, too and how it's molded me. But I get over it quickly and move on. I understand how it's affected me, sure sometimes if something triggers me, I can get down or pull the "whoa is me" routine. We all do that! We all have the right to do that at times, to complain. It's OK! As long as we don't stay stuck in it, too long... That is the key. It is HOW you handle the past, how it affects your present, your current relationships, that is key.

"You must be willing to let go of the life you had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for you..."

I wish I hadn't been a rebound to him. Oh well. I knew what I was getting into, him being newly divorced. I just didn't know him that well. That took time. I didn't know he was as confused, conflicted, immature in his thinking, not knowing how to make boundaries, still feeling shame and guilt for his divorce, etc. Some heavy ****. I understand. Just sucks that of course I found all this out AFTER I had fallen in love with him... I guess he got what he needed and wanted at that time. Someone to try to help him get over his ex. Someone to distract him... But that blew up in his face. And mine, too.

But I'm healing. I see it for what it is, was. I know the truth. I'm no spring chicken; been around the block a few times... Just another bad choice I made. I'm responsible for moving forward, if and when I date, choosing better men to maybe have a relationship with. And first sign of red flags, I feel uncomfortable, something doesn't feel right - I walk. Have to be strong. Not codependent. Not needy. I am NOT that. Not fall for someone because they are attractive, that sexual attraction. That is lust and I can't do that anymore. I need to take time, let things develop. Let a man prove himself to me. See if we share the same ideals, future plans similar, values similar, we can laugh together, he's not boring... Yeah, I'm kind of picky. LOL Of course attraction important, but I need to have restraint and wait...nothing wrong with that. Obviously my last two relationships were rushed, impulsive, based initially on that strong "spark" and attraction. Makes sense I guess, after being married for 20 years to someone I was NOT attracted to at all! Imagine that! So I'm beginning to look at my patterns post divorce, and understand why I choose and fell for these two men...

So now I take a break, look at myself, take time for me, reflect. I have no desire to get into anything right now. The thought of it makes me kind of sick. I go back and forth. I'm meeting a guy tomorrow morning, but honestly I could take it or leave it. Whatever - I'm going to see how it goes. If I'm not happy or excited about seeing him again...I'm done for a while. Getting off online dating and taking a break. Burnt out, I guess... And that's OK. I'm just going with my instincts, day by day now. What feels right and what doesn't.

And my dad - I have no power or control over that as well. It is what it is. All I can do is let him know I care, I'm here for my parents, which I've done. It's their choice to let my sister and I help. We've offered many times. He will do what he wants. He's 84. He's not changing now... He will go to doctor, hear what he has to say, options, and they will make decision. And we will support that. All we can do is be with him the best we can, with the time he has left. It sucks, but this is life. And he's smoked since he was a teenager. That's how it goes, risk of cancer, yes. All I wish for, is that he when he is in pain, he stops this "martyr" complex or New England "Yankee" mentality. Trying to be so strong, not show any emotion. That is how I was raised. Tough... I hope he will take pain medication, do whatever it takes to be comfortable. Listen to his wife, the doctors, for once. :-) Again, though, that is up to him. All I can do is hope for that... He will do what is best for him. As he has every right to, at this time in his life. I do respect that. Just don't want him to suffer. Don't want to see anyone suffer, not matter what. I watched my mother suffer at the end, all doped up on Morphine. Cancer filled every cell in her body. It was horrible. She was a different person. I actually prayed to God or whatever I prayed to, that night, to take her now. We couldn't take another day watching her struggle in pain. Strange, because she passed the next morning at 7 am. With us all by her side. I'm not a religious person either. But there have been a few times in my life that I have prayed on my knees, and have been heard. Guardian angel, I believe... :-)

Anyway - thanks for listening. I hope today was a better day for you. I hope you are able to exhale a bit, have some introspection on things. I hope things go the way you want, moving forward. I can't imagine dealing with some prick like that. Poor kids...But again, luckily they have you guys...Keep up the good work!

- M

August 14, 2014

Hey - Sounds like you handled things well. Or as well as you could! No, not easy being in the same room with this person, I'm sure! Takes a lot of strength and restraint! I hear ya!!! So frustrating, I'm sure. But unfortunately, he still is the "father", so yes, should meet this man who is around his kids... Not that he really should have a say in that, and it makes no logical sense. But sometimes things just don't make sense, and we don't have all the control...Just the way it goes. He can say whatever he wants. He can drink and be a loser. He can lie and steal. And so can his mother, family. Those are THEIR choices. All you can do is control how YOU react. And if you love and want to commit to this woman and her children, yes, that is a responsibility you choose to take on. And he is going to have to accept that. Kicking and screaming, I'm sure...But all you can do is your best! And sounds like you are! I just wish the best for you all, on this journey.

I hope you are able to move away. It will best for everyone! I really really hope the court/judge sees it that way. And does what is in the best interest of the children. That is all that really matters. And will compromise - since you guys will let the kids come back in the summer, vacations, or whatever you work out... Yes, just care about those kids! Innocent. The past is water under the bridge...Just have to provide as healthy as an environment as you can, when they are in your care. And take one day at a time... :-)

I'm doing ok. I understand all you are saying about the ex. He has stuff to deal with. He was unable to be in a romantic relationship with me. He doesn't quite understand or comprehend how a healthy relationship works. A lot of that is bc of his F ed upbringing as well. Yes, as I've said, I'm attracted to others with struggles, as well. I can connect with that. And he was doing a lot of good, healthy things to TRY to move forward. He was just STUCK. So if one person wants to move forward, and the other stuck = Will not work. Have to walking that path TOGETHER. Of course issues, challenges, baggage at our age! I got some, too! Hello! But we just couldn't seem to understand each other, went around in circles. It wasn't all his fault. I have understanding now. Yes, I get mad still. I get sad. But I can see it objectively and clearer and clearer everyday. Not that I am out of it, clearing my head, heart, getting those "love addiction" chemicals out of my system. Rrrggg! Breaking away from the "what ifs", "whys?", thinking of all the good times. Understanding that we just too different in the things that REALLY matter. Goals, future, values, boundaries, over the past, etc. Sure, I bitch and moan and talk about my past, too and how it's molded me. But I get over it quickly and move on. I understand how it's affected me, sure sometimes if something triggers me, I can get down or pull the "whoa is me" routine. We all do that! We all have the right to do that at times, to complain. It's OK! As long as we don't stay stuck in it, too long... That is the key. It is HOW you handle the past, how it affects your present, your current relationships, that is key.

"You must be willing to let go of the life you had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for you..."

I wish I hadn't been a rebound to him. Oh well. I knew what I was getting into, him being newly divorced. I just didn't know him that well. That took time. I didn't know he was as confused, conflicted, immature in his thinking, not knowing how to make boundaries, still feeling shame and guilt for his divorce, etc. Some heavy ****. I understand. Just sucks that of course I found all this out AFTER I had fallen in love with him... I guess he got what he needed and wanted at that time. Someone to try to help him get over his ex. Someone to distract him... But that blew up in his face. And mine, too.

But I'm healing. I see it for what it is, was. I know the truth. I'm no spring chicken; been around the block a few times... Just another bad choice I made. I'm responsible for moving forward, if and when I date, choosing better men to maybe have a relationship with. And first sign of red flags, I feel uncomfortable, something doesn't feel right - I walk. Have to be strong. Not codependent. Not needy. I am NOT that. Not fall for someone because they are attractive, that sexual attraction. That is lust and I can't do that anymore. I need to take time, let things develop. Let a man prove himself to me. See if we share the same ideals, future plans similar, values similar, we can laugh together, he's not boring... Yeah, I'm kind of picky. LOL Of course attraction important, but I need to have restraint and wait...nothing wrong with that. Obviously my last two relationships were rushed, impulsive, based initially on that strong "spark" and attraction. Makes sense I guess, after being married for 20 years to someone I was NOT attracted to at all! Imagine that! So I'm beginning to look at my patterns post divorce, and understand why I choose and fell for these two men...

So now I take a break, look at myself, take time for me, reflect. I have no desire to get into anything right now. The thought of it makes me kind of sick. I go back and forth. I'm meeting a guy tomorrow morning, but honestly I could take it or leave it. Whatever - I'm going to see how it goes. If I'm not happy or excited about seeing him again...I'm done for a while. Getting off online dating and taking a break. Burnt out, I guess... And that's OK. I'm just going with my instincts, day by day now. What feels right and what doesn't.

And my dad - I have no power or control over that as well. It is what it is. All I can do is let him know I care, I'm here for my parents, which I've done. It's their choice to let my sister and I help. We've offered many times. He will do what he wants. He's 84. He's not changing now... He will go to doctor, hear what he has to say, options, and they will make decision. And we will support that. All we can do is be with him the best we can, with the time he has left. It sucks, but this is life. And he's smoked since he was a teenager. That's how it goes, risk of cancer, yes. All I wish for, is that he when he is in pain, he stops this "martyr" complex or New England "Yankee" mentality. Trying to be so strong, not show any emotion. That is how I was raised. Tough... I hope he will take pain medication, do whatever it takes to be comfortable. Listen to his wife, the doctors, for once. :-) Again, though, that is up to him. All I can do is hope for that... He will do what is best for him. As he has every right to, at this time in his life. I do respect that. Just don't want him to suffer. Don't want to see anyone suffer, not matter what. I watched my mother suffer at the end, all doped up on Morphine. Cancer filled every cell in her body. It was horrible. She was a different person. I actually prayed to God or whatever I prayed to, that night, to take her now. We couldn't take another day watching her struggle in pain. Strange, because she passed the next morning at 7 am. With us all by her side. I'm not a religious person either. But there have been a few times in my life that I have prayed on my knees, and have been heard. Guardian angel, I believe... :-)

Anyway - thanks for listening. I hope today was a better day for you. I hope you are able to exhale a bit, have some introspection on things. I hope things go the way you want, moving forward. I can't imagine dealing with some prick like that. Poor kids...But again, luckily they have you guys...Keep up the good work!

- M

It definitely was not easy at all! Not sure if it was completely necessary he meet me but whatever. He should have trusted my other half and her judgment. Has no reason at all not to trust her. It was honestly so hard having to look him in the face knowing all of the pain he has already caused. It is sort of interesting that he told me to treat the kids right when he apparently fell asleep again last night before they did because of being balls to the wall drunk. We found this tiny tidbit out from the kids this morning. Also sort of interesting that he did not even ask I treat his soon to be ex well. I have absolutely no respect for this person and he better hope he never crosses paths with me for a very long time to come.

The more I think about it all the worry just builds. He is the dad and has rights. It may be more important than all else we will offer. My girlfriend also has acute asthma and being in a warmer place may help her as well. Trying to stay positive and proactive. Just such a challenge with such a monumental couple of months in the balance and on the horizon. So much at stake for years ahead. Could care less about me to be honest. I am head over heels in love with this woman and her happiness sparks all of my own. All I care about at this point is the three people that share this space with me. I have been through an awful lot in my life. Not going to have those I love be taken hostage by an abusive alcoholic who is basically a waste of space.

I continue to be curious as to how your ex will respond to your recent conversation. Worried he may not be able to extend his hand in friendship. Only time will tell though. Just try to not focus on it as being a priority right now. Too much else going on that end of things. What is meant to happen with him going forward will.

Please promise to be careful with the red-flags. There are those which make much more sense than others. Someone who may not have many male friends for example does not have to be a reason to walk. Watch more for the way you are treated and that it corresponds to the words which are spoken. You have not had the happiest and healthiest past and I know you will not deny someone a chance based on the same. It is exactly as we have discussed. Not what happens to you but how you react. This is truly what means so much more, Missy. Promise to never stop being picky! You better know by now that you deserve the best!

I know that tough Yankee mentality rather well having grown up in New England. Saw a sign for that area on the way home from the bookstore today. We all went to this amazing one about an hour away. The kids had a lot of fun! We are trying to do things with them. They never did things as a family when dad was around. He was too busy drinking all the time. Figuratively and literally pissing all the money away. There truly was a different world that our parents were brought up in. Especially living within areas such as the Midwest and Northeast. You are basically bred to believe that showing any emotion or feeling is wrong. That it is a total sign of weakness. What a huge load of hogwash! So sweet that you hope all is painless with your dad going forward. He is lucky to have you and your sister on his side. So sorry you had to watch your mother suffer like that. You have truly been through so much. I will find continual courage through all of your strength.

August 15, 2014

Good evening. Wow, I know how you feel...a little bit, but certainly not exactly, given what a DB that man is... I remember meeting my ex H's GF - weird and not easy. But handled it with grace the 1st time. I had no issues with her. Until my ex started neglecting the parenting plan, not making it his priority to spend time with his boys. Had one run in with them a couple of years ago, and I wasn't so nice. They got a piece of my mind. It was warranted, but not out of control, and I let them know he was being less than a decent father. But that's water under the bridge. Oh the joys of divorce... :-)

I'm sorry you had to go thru that. Not easy. But it's part of the territory, yes. I'm sorry you are stressing about the court situation, being able to move, etc. I can't imagine... So so hard. I know you are fighting for those you love, and that's so admirable! Please take care of YOU, as well. That is also your job. You will be of no use to others, if you don't care of you. Believe me, I know! I know it's hard habit to break, as you are a caregiver. Just don't forget about yourself - you matter, too. Yes, exercise is awesome and a huge stress reliever. That has been a lifesaver for me! I'm out walking every day. Love it!

Yes, I clearly understand the offer of friendship may have expired. Now that a couple of months have gone by, things are settling down, we have less and less contact, things may have changed for him. This is reality. He may have just wanted friendship right after he broke up with me, as a peace offering, to try to soften the blow, or to help ease his guilt and pain. I'm no dummy. So, it's very possible now that time has passed, NC, he's all set, has moved on, might have met someone new. And if so, that should be his friend, not me. I get it and accept either outcome. I said, OK, let's try to be friends. Won't be easy, but I'm ready to try. We shall see... I'm feeling calmer each day, even though I still have my moments. But I can feel the process moving along...the anger lifting. I must let that go. I'm pretty good and don't hold onto it too long. Have to forgive and accept it as part of my journey... And I'm fortunate to have shared some amazing moments and experiences, travels with this other imperfect human being. I do love him. Just might have to be from a distance now... So be it. It just couldn't work. We tried our best. I know I did. I have peace in that.

Yes, I have learned so much. As hard as it is at times, I'm ok without a man in my life. I have a good life. I'm content and once I get over this, will be happy again. Yes, I struggle with some anxiety and depression at times. Maybe some ADD, though never diagnosed... But I'm ok with all that. I'm not alone! We all carry our imperfections. But yes, I'm a good person. I don't hurt people. I try to be the best friend I can be. I try to be responsible with people's feelings. Yes, I hope someday when the time is right, someone I just click with, will enter my life. That comfort level, feeling... I've had it before, I know that feeling. It's not my time right now. I trust in that. I have to! I trust in the universe and what is meant for me. No matter what that may be... I am a positive person. I got lost in this last relationship, put my priorities behind another persons in some ways. Not sure that is always a healthy thing...? I'm still learning!

Yup, you're right about the NE! I lived in CA for a few years, and that was eye opening! So different and refreshing! Sometime I think, once my boys out on their own, I may move to different area. Who knows... I have good friend in another country as well... Makes me think. Fun to dream! You never know!

Yes, moving somewhere warmer for her asthma would be helpful! The winters must be tough! My son had asthma when younger. Not fun! He outgrew, thankfully.

You know I'm praying for you guys, that each day brings you closer to what you want, your dreams...and it works in your favor. Especially for the kids! Change can be good! Good to do now, when they still young! I know it will be challenging. And I'm sorry for that. You have to deal with ****ty people; her ex and family. rrrggg! They will not make it easy, given how they are as selfish, immature people. They will use those kids as "pawns" as so many do in divorce. To hurt her, and for their egos, to BE right, vs DOING what's right, for those innocent kids. So many people do that - so wrong and sad. :-(

Sending you strength, yes. And thanks for yours! You have helped me more than you'll ever know...sharing the strength!!! :-)

August 15, 2014

Good evening. Wow, I know how you feel...a little bit, but certainly not exactly, given what a DB that man is... I remember meeting my ex H's GF - weird and not easy. But handled it with grace the 1st time. I had no issues with her. Until my ex started neglecting the parenting plan, not making it his priority to spend time with his boys. Had one run in with them a couple of years ago, and I wasn't so nice. They got a piece of my mind. It was warranted, but not out of control, and I let them know he was being less than a decent father. But that's water under the bridge. Oh the joys of divorce... :-)

I'm sorry you had to go thru that. Not easy. But it's part of the territory, yes. I'm sorry you are stressing about the court situation, being able to move, etc. I can't imagine... So so hard. I know you are fighting for those you love, and that's so admirable! Please take care of YOU, as well. That is also your job. You will be of no use to others, if you don't care of you. Believe me, I know! I know it's hard habit to break, as you are a caregiver. Just don't forget about yourself - you matter, too. Yes, exercise is awesome and a huge stress reliever. That has been a lifesaver for me! I'm out walking every day. Love it!

Yes, I clearly understand the offer of friendship may have expired. Now that a couple of months have gone by, things are settling down, we have less and less contact, things may have changed for him. This is reality. He may have just wanted friendship right after he broke up with me, as a peace offering, to try to soften the blow, or to help ease his guilt and pain. I'm no dummy. So, it's very possible now that time has passed, NC, he's all set, has moved on, might have met someone new. And if so, that should be his friend, not me. I get it and accept either outcome. I said, OK, let's try to be friends. Won't be easy, but I'm ready to try. We shall see... I'm feeling calmer each day, even though I still have my moments. But I can feel the process moving along...the anger lifting. I must let that go. I'm pretty good and don't hold onto it too long. Have to forgive and accept it as part of my journey... And I'm fortunate to have shared some amazing moments and experiences, travels with this other imperfect human being. I do love him. Just might have to be from a distance now... So be it. It just couldn't work. We tried our best. I know I did. I have peace in that.

Yes, I have learned so much. As hard as it is at times, I'm ok without a man in my life. I have a good life. I'm content and once I get over this, will be happy again. Yes, I struggle with some anxiety and depression at times. Maybe some ADD, though never diagnosed... But I'm ok with all that. I'm not alone! We all carry our imperfections. But yes, I'm a good person. I don't hurt people. I try to be the best friend I can be. I try to be responsible with people's feelings. Yes, I hope someday when the time is right, someone I just click with, will enter my life. That comfort level, feeling... I've had it before, I know that feeling. It's not my time right now. I trust in that. I have to! I trust in the universe and what is meant for me. No matter what that may be... I am a positive person. I got lost in this last relationship, put my priorities behind another persons in some ways. Not sure that is always a healthy thing...? I'm still learning!

Yup, you're right about the NE! I lived in CA for a few years, and that was eye opening! So different and refreshing! Sometime I think, once my boys out on their own, I may move to different area. Who knows... I have good friend in another country as well... Makes me think. Fun to dream! You never know!

Yes, moving somewhere warmer for her asthma would be helpful! The winters must be tough! My son had asthma when younger. Not fun! He outgrew, thankfully.

You know I'm praying for you guys, that each day brings you closer to what you want, your dreams...and it works in your favor. Especially for the kids! Change can be good! Good to do now, when they still young! I know it will be challenging. And I'm sorry for that. You have to deal with ****ty people; her ex and family. rrrggg! They will not make it easy, given how they are as selfish, immature people. They will use those kids as "pawns" as so many do in divorce. To hurt her, and for their egos, to BE right, vs DOING what's right, for those innocent kids. So many people do that - so wrong and sad. :-(

Sending you strength, yes. And thanks for yours! You have helped me more than you'll ever know...sharing the strength!!! :-)

Hi, Missy! So challenging to deal with such an ass. Getting a piece of your mind is not necessarily the worst thing one could get! I think that there is definitely a way to be firm without furious. Just wish that there was a way that at least he could treat the kids with more respect. I know that there is no way the drinking will stop. Not until he recognizes that he has a severe problem. Just a shame that the innocent always have to suffer so much. Such confliction they must be going through. Sensing that what he is doing is wrong yet still feeling a sense of obligation. Hard for me to totally relate to much because of my own convictions and my past but I am trying! All I can continue doing at this point is being that steady someone who can always be counted on.

I will always try to take care of myself. Even as hard as it is. Have really been failing to exercise the way I need to. Have to be extra careful because of my own father. He was very overweight when he passed on. If I gain even five pounds this is something that is recognized right away. I am very grateful for soccer and a pretty steady metabolism. Walking is incredibly healthy! Reading is something which helps with the stress. Writing definitely is as well. Just have sort of had writer's block lately. I hopefully will be able to continue along with my script soon. Every day which goes by gives me more to experience and thus internalize as well. Makes it good to get some of those issues out. Fun to do so in a sort of creative way.

Sometimes, love means letting go. This is one theme within my script. I know it is much easier said than done. Just that it is something which is rather profound. You ultimately care for him and want this man to be happy. Would have been much easier and more fun had things worked out between you both. Sucks that life does not always work out the way we plan. It does tend to work out the way it is meant to be. All you can primarily hope for him at this point is that he is happy going forward. No matter where his journeys take him next. He is a prisoner of his own past. Most sad kind of one that there truly is. Hopefully, he finds some smoother seas down the road and learns to think outside of his own self. Not your responsibilty any longer at this point. Loving your ex from a distance may be the best gift you can give him. Not to mention your own self as well.

I have learned that relationships are all about trying to find that perfect balance. In between taking care of your own self and being there for your signifcant other. Your ex needs to do the latter so much more. All he can think of his his own self! You on the other hand got wrapped up in trying to give all of yourself. Giving to someone who could not possibly give back half as much toward you. No one there most of the time for you. This then included your own self. The lack of balance is basically what leads to failed relationships. It is sort of complicated to express and even more challenging to find. It is a struggle for me each and every day. All we can do is learn from things that do not work and be the best possible individuals going forward.

California is such a significantly different world. One which I always have found to be much more laid back and relaxed. Life is too short to always be stressed about every little thing which happens each day. Then again, it is also important to be serious at times. All part of that beautiful balance. Although, a place is also what you make of it. Seriously excited about moving back to the Left Coast even still! "Take me down to the Paradise City". Or, at least as close to it anyone can get!

Thanks for being there, Missy. It makes me smile to know that my words have brought you some comfort. I know that you ultimately would enjoy having a total partner in crime by your side. You just need to have an extraordinary one is all! This is not really going to be an easy journey ahead for you on that end. Just know that it is one you do not need to take alone. There are people who truly care about you. Very lucky ones who will continue to provide you with some comfort and strength in the days to come. You are an incredibly independent and very strong woman who has been through so much already. Still, there is never the necessity to be alone.

August 15, 2014

Hi there. I really liked what you said, "being that steady someone that can always be counted on." That is beautiful, and what it's all about. Yes, life brings us a pile of **** at times. And life brings us the happy moments, as well. It's knowing, and trusting that this other person, your team mate, is by your side, thru it all.

I don't know if I've felt that for a man. Even in my marriage. There was always something missing... I have that with my best GF's. Deep, intimate connections. But I realize because of my past, never having that trust given to me as a child, or that dependability, I have a really hard hard time believing in a man or that relationship dynamic. That and me choosing the wrong men, emotionally unavailable men...Or perhaps I also am unavailable, because of my trust issues? Yes, complex! But I think a lot about it, about myself and what I bring to the table in a relationship. So that is good. That's all I can do...And all we all can do! We only have control over ourselves. That is really about it!

And yes, all you can do is continue loving, caring, supporting your "family". Do you think you are going to marry this woman? Are you guys moving to California??? Lucky! :-) I do miss it a lot. These NE winters are getting to me, more and more, each year. I love the four seasons, but not the cold!

Yes, I hear ya re: the "balance". It's a give and take, compromise, shared values, thoughts of the future, etc. That is what I want with someone. To love and be loved. And not just "words". To REALLY know it, because that person makes me FEEL it every day. There will be no doubt. Even thru the hard times...I hope one day to feel that. I'm sad that my ex could not do that, due his distraction with his ex wife and his own issues. He is actually a selfish person, I've realized, although portraying an outward impression that he is very giving, has his **** together. If that makes any sense. I'm not saying he DIDN'T give to me, he did. Just not in the ways I wanted and needed it. I don't care about money. I don't care about fancy dinners, or vacations. Sure that is nice and all. But I'd rather live in a cardbox box with someone, as long as I feel secure, safe, truly adored. I wanted him to adore me as much as I adored him, faults and all. And he didn't make me feel that. In the beginning he did, while he was "courting me", but that wore off. Very very sad that he could not maintain that or that he could not grow into a phase of deeper love. I am sad for him. I am capable of giving that. Yes, maybe I hurt him, too, with my words of anger or questioning. But I HAD TO. I needed to express myself, ask questions, explain I frustrated, hurt by him still being attached to ex, conflicted, hung up on this fantasy of her and their past, knowing if he had his way, and she would change, take him back, that deep down, he'd prefer to be with her, have his family back together. He knows he F ed up by cheating on her. He's paying that price. But she said, NO. Divorced him. Wasn't his choice. He changed, did the hard work. And she still did not take him back. So he angry. I suppose I understand, if I put my own emotions aside. But they had a very dysfunctional relationship, so that says a lot about him, that he would even WANT to be back with her... I don't know. So confusing. But he's an addict, and most likely a narcissist. Very selfish, all about him. Takes no responsibility. Empty words. Came on to me very hot and heavy, swept me off my feet. Rrrggg, and I vulnerable and fell for it, hard myself. Oh if I could only go back in time. What a fool I was !!!!

Oh well, at least I can see that now. That is all that matters. And he loved me in his way. Just wasn't MY way. I'm glad it's over. I can let go and move on. I look back and remember all these little things he said, about HIM, making things about HIM, more concerned with himself, than me. I was just blinded by unhealthy, addictive love myself. That went both ways. It was an immature love. I get that now. He is like a 17 year old boy in a 40 year old body. Crazy... what was I doing??? Sexual attraction, yup. That chemical thing called pheramones. sp? We just clicked in that department. He very charming and damn sexy. No problems in that department. But you can't base a relationship on that alone. I think I gave that way too much importance! I have learned...

Yes, my friends tell me all the time, "you will never be alone." They say I will never be without male companionship. That is true. But yes, I want to find that one, true person to build a future with. I am ready to commit to one, right person. But that will come, when the time is right. And I'm not alone. I have wonderful sons, amazing friends, sister, closer now with my stepmom, than ever, job I love, my health, I'm very active. I hiked for 8 hours last weekend, and it was amazing! That is my temple; the outdoors. My therapy and such a stress reliever. I hope you can find some time to get out...start small and just go for a 15 minute walk. :-) Add it to all the other awesome things you do: reflecting, writing, your screen play, etc. I'm a huge advocate for exercise, fresh air. Filling your lungs, then exhaling. You can actually do some meditating, while you walk. Especially if you can get into the peace of some woods...aaahhh! Wonderful!

I hope you have a nice Friday night, and great weekend. Be well! Yes, I'm here...vent away! :-) And I will do the same.

* I had a coffee "meeting" this morning with a very nice gentleman. Nice to meet new people, talk, share stories. It was good. :-)

August 16, 2014

Gaslighting. Have you ever heard this term, as in emotionally abusing someone, typical in narcassistic personalities...??? I believe this is what he did to me. :-(

August 16, 2014

Hi there. I really liked what you said, "being that steady someone that can always be counted on." That is beautiful, and what it's all about. Yes, life brings us a pile of **** at times. And life brings us the happy moments, as well. It's knowing, and trusting that this other person, your team mate, is by your side, thru it all.

I don't know if I've felt that for a man. Even in my marriage. There was always something missing... I have that with my best GF's. Deep, intimate connections. But I realize because of my past, never having that trust given to me as a child, or that dependability, I have a really hard hard time believing in a man or that relationship dynamic. That and me choosing the wrong men, emotionally unavailable men...Or perhaps I also am unavailable, because of my trust issues? Yes, complex! But I think a lot about it, about myself and what I bring to the table in a relationship. So that is good. That's all I can do...And all we all can do! We only have control over ourselves. That is really about it!

And yes, all you can do is continue loving, caring, supporting your "family". Do you think you are going to marry this woman? Are you guys moving to California??? Lucky! :-) I do miss it a lot. These NE winters are getting to me, more and more, each year. I love the four seasons, but not the cold!

Yes, I hear ya re: the "balance". It's a give and take, compromise, shared values, thoughts of the future, etc. That is what I want with someone. To love and be loved. And not just "words". To REALLY know it, because that person makes me FEEL it every day. There will be no doubt. Even thru the hard times...I hope one day to feel that. I'm sad that my ex could not do that, due his distraction with his ex wife and his own issues. He is actually a selfish person, I've realized, although portraying an outward impression that he is very giving, has his **** together. If that makes any sense. I'm not saying he DIDN'T give to me, he did. Just not in the ways I wanted and needed it. I don't care about money. I don't care about fancy dinners, or vacations. Sure that is nice and all. But I'd rather live in a cardbox box with someone, as long as I feel secure, safe, truly adored. I wanted him to adore me as much as I adored him, faults and all. And he didn't make me feel that. In the beginning he did, while he was "courting me", but that wore off. Very very sad that he could not maintain that or that he could not grow into a phase of deeper love. I am sad for him. I am capable of giving that. Yes, maybe I hurt him, too, with my words of anger or questioning. But I HAD TO. I needed to express myself, ask questions, explain I frustrated, hurt by him still being attached to ex, conflicted, hung up on this fantasy of her and their past, knowing if he had his way, and she would change, take him back, that deep down, he'd prefer to be with her, have his family back together. He knows he F ed up by cheating on her. He's paying that price. But she said, NO. Divorced him. Wasn't his choice. He changed, did the hard work. And she still did not take him back. So he angry. I suppose I understand, if I put my own emotions aside. But they had a very dysfunctional relationship, so that says a lot about him, that he would even WANT to be back with her... I don't know. So confusing. But he's an addict, and most likely a narcissist. Very selfish, all about him. Takes no responsibility. Empty words. Came on to me very hot and heavy, swept me off my feet. Rrrggg, and I vulnerable and fell for it, hard myself. Oh if I could only go back in time. What a fool I was !!!!

Oh well, at least I can see that now. That is all that matters. And he loved me in his way. Just wasn't MY way. I'm glad it's over. I can let go and move on. I look back and remember all these little things he said, about HIM, making things about HIM, more concerned with himself, than me. I was just blinded by unhealthy, addictive love myself. That went both ways. It was an immature love. I get that now. He is like a 17 year old boy in a 40 year old body. Crazy... what was I doing??? Sexual attraction, yup. That chemical thing called pheramones. sp? We just clicked in that department. He very charming and damn sexy. No problems in that department. But you can't base a relationship on that alone. I think I gave that way too much importance! I have learned...

Yes, my friends tell me all the time, "you will never be alone." They say I will never be without male companionship. That is true. But yes, I want to find that one, true person to build a future with. I am ready to commit to one, right person. But that will come, when the time is right. And I'm not alone. I have wonderful sons, amazing friends, sister, closer now with my stepmom, than ever, job I love, my health, I'm very active. I hiked for 8 hours last weekend, and it was amazing! That is my temple; the outdoors. My therapy and such a stress reliever. I hope you can find some time to get out...start small and just go for a 15 minute walk. :-) Add it to all the other awesome things you do: reflecting, writing, your screen play, etc. I'm a huge advocate for exercise, fresh air. Filling your lungs, then exhaling. You can actually do some meditating, while you walk. Especially if you can get into the peace of some woods...aaahhh! Wonderful!

I hope you have a nice Friday night, and great weekend. Be well! Yes, I'm here...vent away! :-) And I will do the same.

* I had a coffee "meeting" this morning with a very nice gentleman. Nice to meet new people, talk, share stories. It was good. :-)

Morning, Missy! So hard at times to follow along with what needs to be done though. My other half's seven year old son has really been affected already. He evidently told his little sister to "not play blocks with me". Something she really enjoys. Not sure what the reason is. Either jealousy or just basic confliction with all that is going on. I have a hunch he is trying to imitate his father. My girlfriend says she will have a talk with him when the kids get back home on Sunday. Sort of feel guilty but she says that there will not be any disrespect within our house. She is so different from everyone else I have been with. I know not to take it all personally at the end of the day. I will continue to ride the ship and deal with each wave as it comes. That is really what everyone needs most right now. Have to keep our eyes on the prize and both do our part to make it happen!

I know it is hard to erase the negative memories you have in relation to men. It was challenging for me to do the same with women. Basically, the past cannot help but effect us. No matter how we may try to get rid of it. The more we try to push, it tends to come back even more. I do agree that you have not made choices which are best. None of which are your fault at all. You have yet to meet a man who actually deserves the love he will be surrounded with. That is what it boils down to, Missy. There are some good guys out there, too. Even though I know it may not seem like it right now. Bet you never even expected to meet a new friend online when coming to this crazy place! Yet, that is what has been the result. Things really do tend to happen when we least expect. Just keep your eyes fully open is all I ask at this point! Not just with meeting men but with all of life.

Arizona is the place we ponder. I have actually lived there already. We have talked about initial plans to tie the knot. It may help with everything according to her attorney. I definitely want to be romantic going forward and this includes with the prospective proposal. There is also the need to think practically as well. Both want to do whatever we need to get the heck out of here! Both of us had failed marriages when it was actually done with all the 'romance'. Suppose that makes us a little weary in a way. We also both believe that marriage in the end is just a formality and technicality. What is most important of all revolves around being happy. Not necessarily beholdent on a piece of paper. I am sure that this will be figured out. Where there is a will, there is always a way!

The balance always needs to be there for both individuals within any type of healthy and happy relationship. Otherwise, the connection is basically doomed to fail. None of us are sponges and thus we cannot possibly continue to only take. Nor can we always give of ourselves and not get some sort of happiness back. Not that you need to keep score of course. There just needs to be that mutually beneficial beauty. That is something you never truly had with your ex. This is then why it simply could not work. You want to have a partner in life as opposed to a patient. Not healthy to be a full time therapist! This is not what a relationship is about. You always should be there for one another. Just that therapy should not be the basic basis of your bond. That sounds like what it sort of would have been with your ex. He has so many issues to work out still! Ones with are counterproductive to the way that a total and true connection needs to work. Many more issues are on his plate. Not nearly as many on yours! No need for you to change all these things about yourself. All you can do at this point is just be more aware going forward as to those you choose to let in. Do not fall for those who are quickly trying to get something specific from you. Make someone be willing to stick around and actually earn your trust. Love is about so much more than lust. The time they invest will end up being more than worth it!

August 16, 2014

Gaslighting. Have you ever heard this term, as in emotionally abusing someone, typical in narcassistic personalities...??? I believe this is what he did to me. :-(

I hope my rambling will prove to be of some help! This is a really interesting term to think about. I actually think to have been the victim of this a couple of times. Also believe that my other half was under the influence of this as well. Her soon to be ex used to get cash back when going grocery shopping all the time. Actually would consistently take money right out of her pocket as well. Just part of his sincere charm I suppose. Then, as if this was not insane enough. He would then make her out to be the crazy one! She did all the bills and would wonder where all the money was going. He knows damn well where all that money went. Just not able to accept it as a result of his corrupted mind. Most likely as at least a partial result from all of that alcohol abuse.

I do think that you have also been a victim of this based on all that has been said. It seems as if he made you believe things were not truly the way they were. So as to get his own way at the end of each day. No matter what ruthless actions which would come along with it. Incredibly selfish to be totally honest. Not to mention thoroughly manipulative. Whether or not it is something which can be controlled (who knows where the minds of these men really are and how much awareness is ultimately of their own or not) it is no way to treat a person you supposedly care for. Whether you are actually aware of what you are doing or not. I think that you are in one way very much like myself and other half in that you always want to help people and try to think the best in others. Which is such an admirable quality in so many ways. The only thing is that it also may make us more prone to being 'gaslighted' so to speak. This is where we thus need to realize that what we have to offer is of value and that it needs to be specifically given where it's deserved. Not to those who will only drain us dry just to satisfy what they ultimately want.

August 16, 2014

Great words this morning, Ian. Thank you. Feeling OK today...Busy weekend, which is good. Some anxiety, but that is OK too and I accept that and will do my best to work thru it. One day at a time...

Yes, I agree re: the marriage thing. I don't believe in today's society it's much needed. To me it's also a piece of paper, but I still have that "dream" of marrying that one person some day in life, where I feel it's so right. I did not feel that at my first wedding. Sadly, but true. I had a lot of doubts, but went thru it anyway. Very young...But we did the best we can, great memories, wonderful children. No regret.

You have a good head on your shoulders. I understand your GF's concerns re: "we will have respect in this house". She has been deeply scarred by her ex, and that is a HUGE trigger for her. And things are still fresh and raw for her, perhaps, esp since she is dealing with him, doesn't have enough separation from him? He will trigger her, everytime she sees him, has to deal with him. I know that is how it is for me. I'm sure you understand.

But she also has to compromise and understand her son's age and how he does not know how to express his anger, disappointment, sadness, confusion. Yes, he's probably modeling behavior of father. And he is also genetically his child, there will be personality similarities as well. Environment and personality - it's a balance. Are the kids in counseling now? My older son went for a while, while ex and I separated, and right after divorce. He was a very angry young man. It def helped. We even went with him, for a few sessions..."family counseling" if you will...

Also, in today's society, not that it's any excuse and shouldn't be dealt with, our kids are bombarded with a society, media, etc. that models disrespect, fewer boundaries than when we grew up. So much freedom of expression! Sure, that is a good thing, in a way. But our kids have lost respect for adults, us, authority, etc. Yes, it's our jobs to teach them respect in our home, but it must be SO confusing to them, to get mixed messages - from another parent (such as the douchebag you have to deal with) as well as friends, society, media, music, etc. So we have to be firm, yet understanding and compassionate. No yelling, harsh punishments, etc.

Hard, I know! I've raised three kids. Not easy! And not perfectly. And they are not perfect young adults, either. Just did the best I could. That's all you can do. Just try to be on the same page as your GF, with how you guys deal with him, the kids. That is KEY. Yes, her job right now, but at some point, yes, you will need to be a father figure to them, and be able to put in your opinion. You need to make sure you and her are on the same page re: handling these kinds of issues, how to discipline, speak with the kids. He is a young little boy, dealing with a lot of emotional stuff! We are adults - we can rationalize it. He cannot. Must remember that. Lots of hugs, attention, kisses, I love you's, all is going to be OK, etc.

Also, the dynamic of having just two kids, and one of each sex, is a HUGE part of it! There will be that sibling rivalry. Just the way it is, and you guys will have to work thru it the best you can! Some day, when they are older, hopefully they will "mesh" and come together more. I've seen that happen so many times. When younger, fought like cats and dogs! My friend's son SO mean to his little sister! Now it has faded away. He is 14 and she is 12. Much much better now! So have faith!

There is a lot going on - and he is just expressing it the only way he knows how. And he can't "take it out" on his mother, father, or you. So who does that leave? His sister of course. That is the "safest" place for his to release his confused feelings...

Just giving my opinion! :-)

Yes, I've accepted this loss of mine. I've accepted that the contact may be over for good. I have no expectations. With time, both people just move on with life. Sure he's thinking of me. As I am him. But that doesn't matter. We are not together. It ran its course. This is life and the nature of most relationships...especially these days. Some day I hope to find someone who will be healthy enough and have the tools to not quit. Where both of us want to fight for love, are grateful for all the great parts, willing to accept the challenging stuff, and each others faults. That is a mature relationship. TOGETHER, as a team. So rare these days!

Arizona is great! I just some ocean... ;-) Would miss that.

OK - have good weekend. Have a nice day with the kids. Hang in there!

M

Addictions and Narcassism?

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