Facebook etiquette.

[irc333]

Funny,

 

I recall a woman I knew in real life, met her at some of the local sci-fi conventions. She always has these hot costumes that she posts on FB. Apparently, she was in some "long distance" relationship with a guy on the opposite coast that she met at a California convention.

 

She posted a seductive looking vampire costume and I made some inneundoish comment about the pic.

 

She sent me a message saying, "Please don't do that, my boyfriend my see that and get jealous"

 

I had to laugh, and responded, "Okay, no problem, we'll just keep these conversations between each other then. ;-)

 

lol

[irc333]

LongJohn,

 

I have to disagree with you that using Facebook as a means to measure whatever standards you listed here aren't really accurate representations of the individual you're looking over. Esp. the kind of men she's into.

 

You're just getting half-hearted knowledge or probably just looking for a problem where none exists.

 

It isn't just what's on someones page. Sometimes it's what's not on facebook anymore. I've looked at facebook pages before of women I was dating and been able to identify their ex's by the empty or missing patches of information removed obviously after a breakup and a lot of likes by a guy no longer on their list. What that does is allow me to see if I just jumped into a relationship with someone that jumps from one relationship to another. It also allows me to see what their ex's where like.. what type of man does this woman normally go for. The frequency of likes going back and forth between two people also indicate how much contact they've had and when e.g. my ex gf and her ex where heavily liking each others posts up until a few weeks before she got with me. Her activity on facebook was very suggestive that she was talking to someone else at times due to how often she'd be on it. Had I not paid attention to that I might have woke up one morning a year or 6 months from now to be told she's leaving me for her ex that was allowed to remain chatting in her ear unopposed in facebook.

[CharlieFox]

I had to laugh, and responded, "Okay, no problem, we'll just keep these conversations between each other then. ;-)

 

lol

 

Instead of giving a good advice related to the concern of the OP, you think you're cool and funny by telling how you hit on a woman who's in a relationship...

[MidwestUSA]

I think you are overreacting. If his behavior elsewhere was lacking or troublesome then I can see you point. But since he appears to be committed and loving then I would just chalk this up to overexuberance in social media. To be honest - if someone I cared about kept complaining about this I would regret ever friending her on FB and probably shelve her on some privacy circle that couldn't see most of my posts/likes.

 

 

 

You need to read up on his other troublesome behavior. Facebook likes are the smallest of his issues.

[Thewayitwas2]

So, I never said anything to him about all the likes on this woman's page. I just didn't want to be ridiculous. Then, I went back today and looked at ALL the pics he has oogled over...on her page over the past month. In one case it was a tight shot of the woman's breasts (barely covered) and he posted "wow...ouch!"

 

 

Today he can sense I'm not okay. I have been "distant" he says...he wants to know how he can make me feel more secure ..that he loves me with all of his heart and I'm the ONLY woman in his life and in his thoughts.

 

 

Should I just tell him that I saw all of his likes on this very slutty woman's page and that after we spoke about this kind of stuff before...I'm feeling very upset?

 

 

Or do I sound like a psycho. I don't want to be THAT girl.

[JBlackstone]

Ugh facebook. It can be harmless or it could not be. I think it depends on his other Facebook behavior. Is he someone who likes everything or only posts of half naked women? It's one thing if he likes 'wholesome' photos of other women as well but let's be realistic, women (and men) only post 'sexy' photos for one thing: attention. And he is very willing to supply this attention. I don't think you are overreacting. It would bother me. My ex used to do this. He was always so secretive about his FB activity but I would notice he would randomly like two of the same women's selfies. What was it that you liked about the picture? Her face? lol so maybe I'm biased but if it gives you a sick feeling in your gut then only you know if you can put up with it or not.

[Thewayitwas2]

Well I brought this up tonight. He said that he's been single for awhile and he got into habit of liking women's' pictures to "be polite" or add to their fan base.

 

I told him it was hard to swallow that he wants me to move to his city and risk my career and then see him liking some slut on FB hanging out of her clothes. He said that he felt this was my way of pulling away... I told him that it was just genuine fear. He then retracted that. I told him that I wanted to give him my FB passwords. He said no no... Not necessary. I said I have nothing to hide from you. He said thanks... But that's okay. You don't have to ...

 

So I told him I loved him. He said that he would stop that behavior. That he knows I'm sensitive and that he will stop posting or liking. I told him I just want him to do what's normal or natural. I don't want to force anything. He said he only wants me.

 

So I texted him my FB password. He said thanks but that he wouldn't use it... But he didn't send me his...

 

I never asked or demanded it. But since he didn't offer it... That can't be good..,

[starrynightz45]

You can't trust this guy. He's hiding something.

[Gaeta]

Well I brought this up tonight. He said that he's been single for awhile and he got into habit of liking women's' pictures to "be polite" or add to their fan base.

 

I told him it was hard to swallow that he wants me to move to his city and risk my career and then see him liking some slut on FB hanging out of her clothes. He said that he felt this was my way of pulling away... I told him that it was just genuine fear. He then retracted that. I told him that I wanted to give him my FB passwords. He said no no... Not necessary. I said I have nothing to hide from you. He said thanks... But that's okay. You don't have to ...

 

So I told him I loved him. He said that he would stop that behavior. That he knows I'm sensitive and that he will stop posting or liking. I told him I just want him to do what's normal or natural. I don't want to force anything. He said he only wants me.

 

So I texted him my FB password. He said thanks but that he wouldn't use it... But he didn't send me his...

 

I never asked or demanded it. But since he didn't offer it... That can't be good..,

 

Why in the world did you offer your FB password? These are teenagers games. Adults trust each other and understand each individual is entitled to some privacy. Your conversations with your friends and family are private to you and none of his business.

 

That man is full of BS. Whether he has been single for a long time or not does not excuse his slack behavior. You think a man of his age, of his level of education, does not understand the difference between a respectful and disrespectful behavior!?

[ja123]

Sweetie, I personally know someone that flies his mistresses all over the world to meet with him, they still don't mean anything to him.

 

ETA: Every mistress is not aware of the other one, he romances them and make them believe they're special. Gives them gifts, flowers, trips, etc.

 

 

 

Okay, Gaeta, you gotta hook me up with this guy! It sounds perfect!

[ja123]

How long have you been seeing this guy?

 

 

How old are you both?

 

 

How often does he visit, considering he lives far?

 

 

How often do you talk on the phone/Skype?

 

 

**************

 

 

It is weird that he didn't offer his fb password, but you also didn't handle it the right way.

 

 

All you did was hope (expect!) he'd give you his password because you gave him yours (which is kind of passive manipulation, if you think about it, no?) You already knew he wouldn't give you his password when you texted him yours, after he said he didn't want your password.

 

 

You ought to have been more upfront in stating up front that you're having trust issues (whether they be from you or from him) and you'd like to see his FB and, in return, he could see yours.

[ja123]

However, the real issue here is that you don't trust him.

 

 

How have you been with other guys in the past? Have you been able to trust them? What did they do (or who were they as people) that allowed you to trust them or not, and what is the similarity or difference with this guy?

 

 

By reading your thread, it does sound like you are being paranoid, but you didn't give enough information to help with assessment.

 

 

Also, how old are you both?, etc. etc.

 

 

Also, I be curious to know how many people would hand over their fb passwords and whether this would indicate a trust issue or not. It's not like you actually caught him cheating and are married and have exchanged passwords in hopes of reconciling.

 

 

Is your preemptively wanting to protect yourself in this manner reasonable? On the outside, it doesn't seem to be ...

 

 

Are you being paranoid or is your spidey-sense telling you something?

 

 

Spidey-senses are really important, but you need to know what is your spidey-sense and often you have to cut out the noise to do that.

[Thewayitwas2]

We've been together for 3 months now. But we see each other every weekend and sometimes during the week. He has already asked me to come live with him. (Says he would propose of course) but wants me to find a job there. He's 46. I'm 39. He's already booking ski trips etc for us for months down the road...

 

We talk non stop during the day via text or phone. He is the one who is always saying he's scared I'm going to fall for someone else. I tell him that I love him and that it isn't possible.. I ask him how I can reassure him ... He says it is just that we are 3 hrs apart and it will take time.

 

So when I asked him about liking all this girl's pics, he instantly said he would block her etc. I said that was not necessary. That I want him to do what he would naturally do... And I don't want him to do something just because I said so. He said that he would never want to hurt me and will block those women.

 

But he kept mentioning how I was a bigger risk than he was because I have a lot of high profile men after me. So I said I want to do whatever it takes to make you secure. So that is why I offered up my password. I wanted him to know that my money was where my mouth was...

 

But the fact that he didn't respond in the same way ... Makes me think he has something to hide. Especially since he kind of defended "liking" these porn star looking women. It just makes me have a pit in my stomach.

 

Today should be interesting... I went to bed last night and he said he was "cleaning out his FB friends" since he's been so single...etc. It just didn't sit right ...

Edited July 29, 2014 by Thewayitwas2

[Gaeta]

He's 46.

 

 

 

Shameful to act like this at his age.

[clia]

We've been together for 3 months now.

 

You said in the thread that you started a little over a week ago that you'd been dating him a month. Which is it?

 

But whether it's five weeks or three months, I find it totally bizarre that you gave him your Facebook passwords at this stage of the relationship. In and of itself, I don't think it is suspicious at all that he won't give you his. I don't give anyone mine -- even my fiance. And I have nothing to hide.

 

If you are questioning him this much at this stage of the relationship, things are not going to get better. I think he is blowtorching you.

[TXGuy]

 

So when I asked him about liking all this girl's pics, he instantly said he would block her etc. I said that was not necessary. That I want him to do what he would naturally do... And I don't want him to do something just because I said so. He said that he would never want to hurt me and will block those women.

 

 

 

Whatever you decide to do with this guy, you need to stop sending him mixed messages. Here, you are telling him he should continue to 'like' girls pictures if that is what he wants to do. But you have also told him you don't want him to do that. Choose a position and stick with it.

 

(Even though your real position is that you want him to not want to like other women's pictures.).

[Thewayitwas2]

I agree. I did set myself clear on the issue. I guess I just was trying to say that I don't want to be the witch GF in his mind. He said that I'm not.

 

He said he was clearing out his FB last night and weeding out all the single women he doesn't really know. I just thought that was a bit bizarre.

 

The whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. Honestly it makes me terrified to love again. I am in such turmoil.

 

He is always coming to visit me. But he has free afternoons... And I don't. I know he has told me many times that he doesn't stay home because he doesn't like being trapped inside. So he likes watching people and women... He goes out to eat and even grabs drinks at bars because he wants to meet people.

Now he says that has all come to a halt since he has met me. But I worry.

 

Today just talking about FB he started telling me the back story about his profile picture and how the flood hates opened when he posted it because it resonated so well with people and everyone just loved it. I thought wow... Are you really saying this to me after this crazy back and forth. I just kept mouth shut.

 

He changed the subject. I think my silence told him that was a stupid thing to say...

 

But we are supposedly in a good place now. I told him I trust him. He says he trusts me. And I will see how things proceed.

 

I am tempted though to have him tested ... But I am just going to try and focus on him and his actions.

[Mrin]

Whatever you decide to do with this guy, you need to stop sending him mixed messages. Here, you are telling him he should continue to 'like' girls pictures if that is what he wants to do. But you have also told him you don't want him to do that. Choose a position and stick with it.

 

(Even though your real position is that you want him to not want to like other women's pictures.).

 

Here is the issue: she doesn't want him to stop liking other women's photos because she asked, she wants him to want to stop doing on his own. In other words, she wants him to change. Not his behavior to accommodate her wishes, but rather who he is as a person in general. This sort of thinking drive us men nuts.

 

OP: A few observations.

 

1) Both of your are way too insecure. Like cray-cray insecure. His insecurity of you is probably manifesting itself in some of his "chicks dig me" behavior. Which in turn is totally fueling your insecurity. See the vicious cycle here?

 

2) He's right in some ways that one way to break this insecurity cycle is just to move in together. Assuming you both don't harbor deep insecurity as a character trait, this might work. But let me offer another suggestion - counseling. It might just reduce the emotional level you guys have whipped up in this insecurity cycle so that you don't just blow up. Seriously, it would probably do you both a world of good.

 

The other thing to keep in mind is this insecurity cycle is uber common in relationships - so a counselor would be able to add value at minute one. A session or two might be all you need to get some stuff off of your chests in a safe and mediated environment.

 

3) I'm just giving you a man's opinion here but you have got to get off of this "I want you to just do what you do normally and stop liking other women's photos". We men don't work that way. If left to his own devices he'd probably go one liking all sorts of scantily clad women's photos. There is nothing wrong with you asking/telling him to stop and him stopping it. Relationships are trade offs, this is a big deal for you, probably not a big deal for him. So he'll do it for you and you need to let him - and not feel resentful. Behavior modification is perfectly okay when you are trying to fit the two pieces of you together. You won't be a perfect fit right off the bat. Say that to yourself - we are not a perfect fit. No one is particularly over 35. That's okay. Relationships building means you just trim and chip away at the incongruous pieces until they do fit. If you both work at it the fit will come as you redefine "you" and "me" to become "us".

 

4) Sounds like some of the posters know a lot more about this guy that I do and don't hold him in high esteem. So please take my advice above as general observations that might not be worth applying with this particular man. It does sound like this FB stuff is really just a manifestation of much greater insecurity issues - see recommendation #2.

 

Best of luck!

[me85]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think it's disrespectful of him to do that. Especially after you told him it bothered you.

 

It's a fact that social media is a huge platform for people to cause disturbances in RSs today. Same thing happened when cell phones first came along too. I mean, technology will always have it's pros & cons but I certainly feel like social media makes it so much easier to cheat, flirt, be sneaky...it's just so easy!!!

 

I do have insecurities but I'm not an overall insecure person. I'm attractive and confident.

 

IMO it's very disrespectful for a man who has a GF to "like" a picture of the way another woman looks.

[Sunfire73]

I asked my current bf to unfriend his ex. I used to be ok with having her as a fb friend, but when this ex started to like his posts recently, it bothered me. I told him how I felt, and he understood where I came from. It's not a big deal for him but it was for me. So even if he felt a little bit controlled, he still unfriended her. We do make fb compromises. He doesn't like that every pic of us i would tag him and I respect that. He likes a few of us tagged, and he tells me. I also asked if we can change our status and he was ok with it too. So for us, it's give and take, so far, there are no major disagreement. The important thing is we communicate how we feel about things.

[Thewayitwas2]

So, if you found out your BF or GF was chatting with a person via FB.... especially after having the conversation like I had with my BF...what would you do?

 

 

I haven't discovered that ...yet. But, I just have a sick feeling in my gut...that I may. As another poster said here...I may just be too paranoid. But, he is with me...too.

 

 

Love is so hard...

 

 

But, in my case, choosing this man...means giving up my AMAZING job.... and recent promotion...and moving to him. He has a gorgeous home etc...but I want my own life too. He says he will support whatever I do...but literally, these little things could impact my future in a big way. What if I give up my job/money and then I get there and find out he likes to flirt with women all the time... online. Then what? They I have ruined my life.

 

 

So that's why I am paranoid.

[MidwestUSA]

 

 

But, in my case, choosing this man...means giving up my AMAZING job.... and recent promotion...and moving to him. He has a gorgeous home etc...but I want my own life too. He says he will support whatever I do...but literally, these little things could impact my future in a big way. What if I give up my job/money and then I get there and find out he likes to flirt with women all the time... online. Then what? They I have ruined my life.

 

 

So that's why I am paranoid.

 

I'm not sure why you would give up all those things if you WEREN'T paranoid.

 

 

It's been THREE months (or less, if we go by your postings). Spend a year dating him before making any of these huge decisions!

[Thewayitwas2]

So here's an interesting question.

 

 

If you thought your GF or someone was setting you up online...and trying to get you to talk with them.....would you play along or would you say "sorry I'm in a relationship"....

 

 

Randomly...by BF and I had a fight today because he told me that a woman was messaging him today randomly and he was suspicious it was me trying to test him. I said well...what did you say to her?

 

 

He said he was just "playing along"...but that he offered to connect her to some new friends in his town...when she arrives.

 

 

He said he got suspicious that it was ME because she asked him if he was single....

 

 

He freaked out and told me that he blocked her...didn't keep her phone number etc.

 

 

He says that he loves me and only me.. and says it is ME who isn't trusting him.

[Gaeta]

So here's an interesting question.

 

If you thought your GF or someone was setting you up online...and trying to get you to talk with them.....would you play along or would you say "sorry I'm in a relationship"....

 

Randomly...by BF and I had a fight today because he told me that a woman was messaging him today randomly and he was suspicious it was me trying to test him. I said well...what did you say to her?

 

He said he was just "playing along"...but that he offered to connect her to some new friends in his town...when she arrives.

 

He said he got suspicious that it was ME because she asked him if he was single....

 

He freaked out and told me that he blocked her...didn't keep her phone number etc.

 

He says that he loves me and only me.. and says it is ME who isn't trusting him.

 

Wow, I can just feel the trust from both of you.

 

As per your previous post you've been dating this man 2 months and 1 week. You are SERIOUSLY considering leaving your job for him?

 

And of course he loves you since day 7? right. So if tomorrow you have a stroke and lose mobility his love for you will carry him for the next 40 years, right? You know that's what real love means. About you? If tomorrow morning he needs a kidney, you'll give him one?

 

I am sorry but everything about this man is a joke.

[Thewayitwas2]

I just don't know what to think....

 

Last night I ask him not to like scantily clad women pics on FB and he agrees. Says he doesn't want to offend me. He swears he isn't flirting or talking to anyone else. He loves me. Would never ever cheat.

 

I say so we agree we are not talking to other people ? He says yes. He's shut everything down. Only me. I'm his future.

 

Then he gets a message from a very young pretty woman on FB and she asks for a referral for her fibromyalgia. He says he messages her back. Gives her the referral. Then she apparently asks if he's single and he says he plays along because he thinks it's a trick. That I am setting him up. And then he says he decided to block her... Because he felt it was a scam.

 

So was the good doc telling the truth?