Snooped through his drawer & found a thong!!!

[Illiandra]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I have stayed over his house plenty of times. There are occassions where he leaves early in the morning. I have never snooped around his house before, but this time I was curious and ended up snooping. I found cards from his ex-girlfriends, and that is fine with me because i still keep cards from my ex-boyfriend. I do realize that such things from the past can be kept.

 

The problem is that I found a thong ( which obviously wasnt mine) in his drawer. I felt horrible inside because i snooped through his things. Here he is giving me his trust by staying at his housewhen he is not around and i end up snooping. By finding the thong, I am starting to feel really insecure in the relationship, I know that snooping around shows lack of trust. I dont know what to think about this *underwear* in his drawer. I cant bring it up because i know he will get very upset and angry that i went through his things. But how can i go about acting normal in the relationship after finding something like this?

 

I have asked a few of my male friends and some have admitted to holding on to such things as underwear from their girlfriends. The only thing that i can really assume is that this THONG is his ex girlfriends & if it is, then why still hold on to it??? I am really confused because I do not know how to act around him now, and what to think about this finding, should i ask him if he is really over his ex? or do i just ask him a few weeks down the road if he keeps things from his past relationships?? I am just looking for a way to find some answers, because inside I know i should not have gone through his things and by going through the drawers i broke the trust, even though he may not know it, i know it and subcounciously feel awful!!!!

[Grinning Maniac]

Hey, you never know... It might not be from an ex-girlfriend. Maybe he just likes strutting around in the butt floss on weekends.

 

Seriously though, if the relationship is otherwise going fine, I wouldn't worry about this too much. If you really feel like you need to ask him about it, go ahead and get it off your chest, I suppose. But honestly, you shouldn't let it get to you. I think a lot of guys are like that. You ask why keep it...why not? I think I have some sort of momento from each of the girls I've dated in my life. Heck, I have a couple of nude photos of my last gf. I don't plan on ever getting rid of them either. I consider such things to be a "trophy" in an odd sort of way...

[latesleeper]

Hi Illiandra,

 

I understand what you're feeling!

Ok, the thing is, were you suspicious of anything about your bf in particular? You said you never snooped before -- what changed now? Did something happen that made you even subconsciously suspicious? This needs to be addressed.

I understand how torn you're feeling. Ask (and then have to tell) or don't ask (and continue feeling awful).

Well, I'm not the sort who can forget about it. I'm just not that magnanimous. And there's nothing wrong with that. We are who we are. Why pretend to be otherwise (I know why we pretend, but this is too important to pretend)? Can you forget about it? If you really can't, it's going to affect your relationship ANYWAY. If you bring it up, it would affect your relationship ALSO. BUT there is a chance if you bring it up and clarified matters, your relationship can get better.

Is your bf really sticky about privacy? Would he absolutely blow his top if he found out? Yet, if you don't ask, would it eat away at you until you become even more suspicious and unhappy?

I feel that there has to be honesty in a relationship, even about the flaws. So you snooped. You may have had a reason or you may not. You could bring it up casually, like you weren't really thinking when you opened his drawers -- I mean some people do that when they're in a daydream or whatnot. And it seems like you really feel bad about snooping, so admit your mistake and say sorry you snooped, but you found something that really bothers you, can he help you and reassure you that everything is all right? If you want honesty from him, I think in this case you have to be honest too.

Sorry, I know it sucks to have to make a decision like this! And this is a personal choice. I know that for me, such things will just eat at me and make me unhappy (and that won't be good for the relationship), plus the fact I did something (snooping, for e.g.) that I can't tell my significant other about. That's not how I want my relationship to be. So I would choose to grab the bull by its horns and plunge in, scared as hell, but with the goal of making the relationship better.

 

Hope it helps. Good luck.

 

oh, p.s. Guys usually take more time to process information to do with emotions and expectations, so don't be too affected if he doesn't give you an immediate answer. Thank him for his patience (if he listened to you patiently) or try and find something good that he did during the talk, and ask him to give you a reply when he is ready (if he doesn't seem to want to talk right then) and ask him when he thinks you two could talk again.

 

p.p.s. Don't sound accusing or pre-judge. Try and ask in an open way, for e.g. "I found such-and-such. I feel insecure and confused. Could you help me understand this?"

 

Ok, again, good luck!

[dmac]

its his ex's

[Craig]

It doesn't necessarily mean anything. On the other hand you were snooping so you need to determine why you were. If you are not a snooper by nature then something (it doesn't have to be bad) must have motivated you to snoop.

 

I keep things that remind me of good times in my life. I don't have any thongs or similar items but an item in itself does not indicate an attachment to a past GF.

 

If you want to continue the deceit in this relationship and not admit that you violated his trust by snooping through his things you could play homemaker when he is there, do his laundry and then while you are putting away his underwear pretend to find the thong for the first time.

 

PS IMHO a relationship that is built on a foundation of disingenuous or duplicitous behavior is doomed.

[Artifact]

Even if it is his ex's, maybe he kept it around so he could wear it. Who knows- he might be too embarrassed to tell you.

 

If you trust him otherwise, put it back and let it go.

[FolderWife]

You don't have some random article of your ex's floating around in a drawer that you've COMPLETELY forgotten about?

 

I had an ex boyfriends class ring. He owed me $200, and I told him that once I got my money, he could have his ring back.

 

I suppose he forgot aaaaaaall about it, but that ring is still in with some of my old jewelry. Ever so often when I want to wear and old pair of earrings or something, I'll go pilfering around and that ring is in there...I don't even notice it any more.

 

I think I might have an old class necklace that another boyfriend gave me too I can't remember.

 

See how unimportant these things are? If my husband stumbled across them, he might think they mean more than they do. They are just junk in my way, and if my husband snuck and threw them out, I wouldn't even notice...it's just one of those things where you SHOULD get rid of it, but you can't bring yourself to, even though you wouldn't miss it if you did...

 

I'm rambling..the bottom line is, he probably doesn't even think about it. Maybe he bought them for you, but forgot to give them to you? Or maybe he's saving them for a special occasion Or maybe he is nervous about giving them to you

 

Whatever...he probably doesn't even think about them.

 

When you marry him, then you can ask them who's they are, and if they are an ex's, tell him to throw them out.