I think I might have made a big mistake

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, speaking from experience, this is something that generally should not be spontaneous and not be with someone you are going to have close contact with after. There needs to be clear rules and expectations for all parties involved, and it doesn't appear to be the case here. However, what's done is done.

 

If you want to salvage this, tell your boyfriend you enjoyed it but it was a one-time event. It isn't happening again. And de-friend the girl. Explain why if you need to. It is not wise to keep this girl in your circle of friends, regardless of how nice she is. It's a bit late, but you need to establish boundaries now. Tell your boyfriend he needs to stop picking out potential partners too. Good lord.

 

By the way, if he tries to make you feel bad or convince you that you should want to do it again...then in the end, the relationship is going to suffer a lot. Take it from me.

Edited July 23, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Tbisb74]

I think you lost him the minute he announced he wants a threesome

 

You will never be enough to him..

 

Walk way while you still can

Have you actually even read the thread? This comment is actually pure nonsense.... Literally, non-sense.

[ascendotum]

lols, I don't think so. That may be yours and every others guys fantasy but it's not mine. If it ever happens again it will be as unplanned as this time, it may be next week, it may be never.

 

Why, when you said it was the best thing you have ever done? Having a 3some once or twice a year, does not make you 'that girl' that you are worried about becoming, and I don't quite know who is going to judge you on that. I doubt your bf is going to think of you in more negative terms. Do you judge your friends negatively who have done them?

[GildedLily]

Hi

 

I think I stuffed up and I’m not sure there is a way out. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I guess like any couple we spoke about fantasies. One of them was the typical male fantasy of a threesome. I always played along and told him maybe one day. When I said that I was genuine, I did think that given the right set of circumstances it’s something that I would have considered.

 

So about two months ago it happened. We were at a party, I was very drunk and I approached a woman and after flirting most of the night eventually asked her and she said yes. When I put it to my boyfriend he made very sure it was something I really wanted before saying yes. So we went home and spent the rest on the weekend together and have to say it was the best thing I have ever done. I was impressed that my boyfriend didn’t just jump on her but instead focused heavily on me.

 

As far as I was concerned that fantasy has now been lived out. As much as I enjoyed it it’s not something I want to make a regular part of my relationship. Of course now that my boyfriend has had a taste he wants more. I wouldn’t go so far to say he’s hassling me but he’s certainly raised in a number of times over the last couple of months. She has also friended me on facebook and has expressed interest if we were to ever do it again.

 

I guess my question is will my boyfriend learn to accept that this was a once off, or at the very best a very very irregular thing or have I opened a door that will be impossible to close? I don’t want to lose him but I can’t envisage myself as “that woman”, the one who is always having threesomes.

 

Have I lost my boyfriend for a night experimenting?

 

 

The problem is he sees you as "that type of woman" now. The sexually adventurous bi girl, once he had seen you like that, you are put in the fun time girl category ( for most men ) you weren't wanting him to marry you right?

[SummerDreams]

The problem is he sees you as "that type of woman" now. The sexually adventurous bi girl, once he had seen you like that, you are put in the fun time girl category ( for most men ) you weren't wanting him to marry you right?

 

Thank God someone noticed the elephant in the room.

[Zeurich]

As a woman with no fantasies I cannot say much to you. But my ex husband was such a man with various kind of fantasies. For me it was not a big problem as he was able to keep the balance as a family. But thanks to those fantasies he lost the balance. And our marriage become a hell. As woman who loved her husband very much I was really in pain. Experimenting and playing with feelings I don't think it is a good idea but that is what I think and feel. Hope you find a way out.

[Emilia]

I think you lost him the minute he announced he wants a threesome

 

You will never be enough to him..

 

Walk way while you still can

Agree. Though she probably never had him, to be fair. If it's so important for him, one woman - or the OP - won't be enough.

[Rochelle95]

The problem is he sees you as "that type of woman" now. The sexually adventurous bi girl, once he had seen you like that, you are put in the fun time girl category ( for most men ) you weren't wanting him to marry you right?

 

 

Well I'm way too young to marry, I've not even given that any thought.

 

Hopefully though he is not "most men" and we can move forward. I'm not throwing him away just yet.

 

If he truly does now see me as nothing more than the "sexually adventurous bi girl" then it's unlikely to last. I do believe he has more substance to him than that.

 

I'm really nervous about what the conversation holds when I next see him but at least I will know one way or another whether I have killed this relationship.

[Diezel]

Women, there is a lesson to be learned and Chris Rock preached it years ago.

 

"Men can't go backwards sexually."

 

Once you've done that thing ONCE, you are going to be expected to do it again. Unless communicated effectively. And be ready to anticipate some huffing and puffing from him too.

 

You can't blame him for wanting to again, specially since YOU were the one who initiated everything.

[Gaeta]

Yes you're right. Defriending her is a little more complicated as we work at the same place. We were never really friends before hence why she wasn't already a facebook friend.

 

 

There is nothing complicated about defriending her. You talk to her, or write to her, explain you and bf enjoyed the experience but you won't be repeating the event. You will defriend her on fb, as well as your bf, it's a decision for the good of your relationship and not at all about her as a person.

[Sriracha]

So hold up.

 

They both talked about fantasies. The stars aligned and everyone was comfortable with pursuing the fantasy and enjoyed it.

And now she has to accept the "consequences" of her boyfriend not respecting her feelings about not wanting to be pressured to do it again or ever because "men can't go backwards sexually"? So she is either destined to a life of threesomes or she has to break up with him and either way it's her fault because she participated in this?

 

Just because she had fun doing it doesn't mean she has to do it again. People enjoy their first sky diving experience, talk about it, get a rush re-living the experience, but it doesn't mean they're jumping out of planes every weekend.

 

I would hope that after 3 years of being together that her boyfriend doesn't all of a sudden view her as "that girl" because they did something they both enjoyed doing. I would hope that he would respect her apprehensions about doing something like that again so quickly. It sounds like both parties need to have an honest and frank discussion about where this leaves them. Including the sexual talk.. ie, "honey, I like talking about it, but I don't want that to mean I'm committing to anything".. both parties should make sure the other is not confused or mislead... I repeat, both parties to make sure the other person is not confused or mislead.. meaning, he should say "that's fine we can keep talking about it like a fantasy" or he can say "no don't talk about it because it confuses me and gets my hopes up"...

at the end of the day, you both did something, that albeit might have been fun, that requires both partners to truly re-connect and be honest in their communication with each other, and right now you guys are clearly dis-joined. And that's sometimes normal after something like this, but the key is how you both re-connect.. THAT will determine if something like this could ever be done again.

[PogoStick]

That's weird for both to have a great time and then decide it's something to never enjoy again.

 

What if he now says he wants to be with a woman who will be open to occasional 3 somes?

[Sriracha]

That's weird for both to have a great time and then decide it's something to never enjoy again.

 

What if he now says he wants to be with a woman who will be open to occasional 3 somes?

 

Just because she enjoyed it doesn't mean she has to keep doing it or has to start planning the next one. She clearly has apprehensions, period. If he thinks it's "weird" than she should break up with him because he's a jerk, not because "she got herself into this".

 

And if this opened up pandora's box of her guy now always wanting threesomes and he's going to use this experiment as a reason to justify why she needs to keep going, then again, he's the jerk.

 

In these types of scenarios one should always go as fast as the slowest person. And the slow person should never be made to feel weird.

[Tbisb74]

......

In these types of scenarios one should always go as fast as the slowest person. And the slow person should never be made to feel weird.

 

Quotation of the day.

[daisydook]

If it ever happens again it will be as unplanned as this time, it may be next week, it may be never.

 

So, even though you feel it is never, you are still telling us this! Lol. You need to say never, if you feel never. None of this "if it ever happens, it will be unplanned, it may be next week, it may be never" BS. NEVER.

 

Tell your boyfriend it WAS fun. You DID enjoy it. It WAS only once. It will ONLY ever be ONCE. You are NOT going to share him again. Seriously, stop leaving room for him to play the game. You can't be doing his head any good by leaving the door open to next week or never. It is kind of broad.

[Diezel]

And now she has to accept the "consequences" of her boyfriend not respecting her feelings about not wanting to be pressured to do it again or ever because "men can't go backwards sexually"?

 

If that is how she feels, she needs to TELL HIM. He is not going to back off of the thought as long as she leaves that door open. That was my point. As a man, once you've done it once, why wouldn't you expect to do it again? Unless clearly communicated, you would absolutely 100% expect it to happen again.

 

So she is either destined to a life of threesomes or she has to break up with him and either way it's her fault because she participated in this?

 

I love how from my post, you saw only HALF of it. Remember the communication part that I spoke about? If she leaves this unchecked and not communicated, well OF COURSE. Come on now.

 

Just because she had fun doing it doesn't mean she has to do it again. People enjoy their first sky diving experience, talk about it, get a rush re-living the experience, but it doesn't mean they're jumping out of planes every weekend.

 

Does EVERYONE stop sky diving after the first experience? No. Right? Now imagine you went with your best friend to do sky diving. It was YOUR idea. You both do it, you love it, it was great! But in your mind, you'd never do it again... but they would. How are they supposed to know that you would never want to do it again if you DON'T say ANYTHING?

 

I would hope that after 3 years of being together that her boyfriend doesn't all of a sudden view her as "that girl" because they did something they both enjoyed doing. I would hope that he would respect her apprehensions about doing something like that again so quickly. It sounds like both parties need to have an honest and frank discussion about where this leaves them. Including the sexual talk.. ie, "honey, I like talking about it, but I don't want that to mean I'm committing to anything".. both parties should make sure the other is not confused or mislead... I repeat, both parties to make sure the other person is not confused or mislead.. meaning, he should say "that's fine we can keep talking about it like a fantasy" or he can say "no don't talk about it because it confuses me and gets my hopes up"...

at the end of the day, you both did something, that albeit might have been fun, that requires both partners to truly re-connect and be honest in their communication with each other, and right now you guys are clearly dis-joined. And that's sometimes normal after something like this, but the key is how you both re-connect.. THAT will determine if something like this could ever be done again.

 

 

That was the point of what people were saying.

[Noproblem]

Have you actually even read the thread? This comment is actually pure nonsense.... Literally, non-sense.

 

the truth hurts! but why are you the one who got upset!

[Tbisb74]

the truth hurts!

If it were true I could agree. However, it is far from it....

 

...but why are you the one who got upset!

:laugh:You'll know if I get upset!

Edited July 24, 2014 by Tbisb74

[ascendotum]

The problem is he sees you as "that type of woman" now. The sexually adventurous bi girl, once he had seen you like that, you are put in the fun time girl category ( for most men ) you weren't wanting him to marry you right?

 

Not necessarily at all. Possibly but we don't know what her bf is like. Lots of guys love marrying a sexually adventurous woman. If you are going to be with someone for 40 yrs an adventurous & fun & kinky spirit is good...well imo anyway.

For some its shared life experience that enhances their relationship. It would cause more guys issues if she had 3somes in the past with random guys she met when blitzed at clubs, or if she had done 3somes in the past to please jerk bfs but was not going to do that anymore or if the 3some was a MMF with a hotter guy that the girl picked and she was super enthusiastic with in bed.

[Trimmer]

So hold up.

 

They both talked about fantasies. The stars aligned and everyone was comfortable with pursuing the fantasy and enjoyed it.

And now she has to accept the "consequences" of her boyfriend not respecting her feelings about not wanting to be pressured to do it again or ever because "men can't go backwards sexually"? So she is either destined to a life of threesomes or she has to break up with him and either way it's her fault because she participated in this?

Yes, if her boyfriend can't respect her feelings about it because he can't "go backwards sexually", then yes, she will ultimately have to accept the consequences. This doesn't make her wrong, or make it her "fault", or make the whole situation "right" or OK, but it's a simple fact that if he is not able to get over it, then she will have to accept the consequences.

 

Your assertion that "either way it's her fault" is not my opinion, you may be inferring it from the tone of others' posts, and I think you've amplified it more than anyone else has by calling it "her fault," but I don't assert that's the case here. It's simply a fact: if he can't get over it, he can't get over it.

 

Now, having said all that, I think the assertion that the boyfriend will not be able to get over it is not a given. As some have pointed out, there is currently a lack of clear communication. Whether that's "we're NEVER doing it again, period" or whether that is a more honest "I can see doing it again some day, but I call the shots and I don't want to hear about it until maybe, possibly, I offer it to you again...", at the moment, I believe the boyfriend has not been given a fair chance to demonstrate his equilibrium point, because he hasn't received clear communication that allows him to understand what her equilibrium point is.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If a boyfriend ever suggested 3-some to me, he would be dumped in 2 seconds flat

 

And OP, you say it was the best night of your life yet you go on to describe the experience as him focusing more on you than her. If you were measuring who he focused on, you aren't cut out for this kind of thing. Don't try to be "the cool girlfriend". That's what I get from reading between the lines.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Eternal Sunshine

[isisisweeping]

Not necessarily at all. Possibly but we don't know what her bf is like. Lots of guys love marrying a sexually adventurous woman. If you are going to be with someone for 40 yrs an adventurous & fun & kinky spirit is good...well imo anyway..

 

Quoted for truth.

[bubbaganoosh]

Hi

 

 

I was impressed that my boyfriend didn’t just jump on her but instead focused heavily on me.

 

As far as I was concerned that fantasy has now been lived out.

 

IMO, he focused on you this time but the next time you two are in bed with this other woman, he's going to think that since you had your time with her and enjoyed it, it's now his turn to "Focus heavily on her" and get his jollies with another woman. Like saying to you "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander".

 

I always said, keep the fantasy in your head were it can be controlled but once it's taken from the mind and brought into the bedroom, there is no rewind button and it became a permanent part of the relationship.

[Rochelle95]

And OP, you say it was the best night of your life yet you go on to describe the experience as him focusing more on you than her. If you were measuring who he focused on, you aren't cut out for this kind of thing. Don't try to be "the cool girlfriend". That's what I get from reading between the lines.

 

Maybe I'm not cut out for this, who knows. But I just want to respond to your comment about who he focused on.

 

I described it the way you mentioned, that he focused more on me than her, I thought that was the best way to decribe it but it's not entirely accurate.

 

The truth is though that him focusing more on the other person was a concern of mine beforehand, in the actual situation we were in I would accurately say that I never noticed that at all as opposed to I actually noticed him focusing on me.

 

IMO, he focused on you this time but the next time you two are in bed with this other woman, he's going to think that since you had your time with her and enjoyed it, it's now his turn to "Focus heavily on her" and get his jollies with another woman. Like saying to you "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander".

 

Who knows? That well may be the case or it could be the complete opposite. I am not going to judge him or decide my future actions on assumptions though, I'd much rather deal in facts.

 

What I did learn though, and this goes a little with what I said above, is that I actually enjoyed seeing him with her when I thought that may have been a real hard thing to handle.

[Rochelle95]

I had lunch today with the woman we slept with. It went very well. While she said she was disappointed that it wouldn't happen again she totally understood. She said if we ever changed our minds she would be willing though.

 

I will be speaking to my boyfriend tonight.