Anger Lives On

[whichwayisup]

Guess I still need the support of some of my friends here.

 

As some of you know, it's been years since my A ended. It took me more years to get past it, and I haven't been angry for really quite awhile. But something (I don't even know what) triggered the anger in me again yesterday.

 

Mostly it is about the huge amount of money I "loaned" him that I won't get back. It's both the issue of the money itself and knowing I won't ever get it back, but as well it's the feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used.

 

I sent him an email which was not at all nice (facts, but the facts are not nice) and I demanded that he pay me back. Trouble is, I am not going to get blood from a stone.

 

I don't understand why the anger came back. I have long ago gotten past the "wanting" him and the hurt and pain of him not being in my life. And I have tried to get past losing all that money. But I just can't get past that, and the anger is still there. I still think about it a lot, how I want that money back. How do I accept it and get past it and move on?

 

I did say in a previous post here at LS in response to someone a few weeks ago that he gave it back to me. He didn't. I just couldn't deal with more criticism from posters at that time. I knew (and KNOW) how stupid I was to give him money, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I hate myself for being so stupid.

 

He hasn't even made one effort to give even one dime of it back to me. Even if he would have made an EFFORT, it would have been much different. It's that lack of effort at all that hits me in the face.

 

Makes you wonder how he can sleep at night peacefully knowing what a total f-head he is or how he can look himself in the mirror.

 

How do you accept it? As angry as you are, rightfully so of course, it's time to give yourself back ALL the power and that means not letting what he did, said, borrowed hold you hostage. Set yourself free by accepting that he is a sad pathetic person not worthy of another minutes thought. Or any of your tears. Don't give him that power over you. Don't waste your precious time thinking of him. He isn't worthy of being in your head. Make him dead to you and just try your best to turn it off and not care anymore.

 

I know probably easier said than done but if you can really push yourself, do a daily affirmation and make a promise to yourself (set a deadline and stick to it as much as you can) that you're done and letting go of everything and anything to do with him, I promise you, you'll feel better and heal healthier.

 

And most of all? Forgive yourself for wasting so much time on him.

I think if you can do that, you'll well be on your way to healing and feeling happier.

Edited July 20, 2014 by whichwayisup

[2sunny]

You could file with the court to have the money repaid to you. Is it Nader the amount designated as small claims?

 

Once you get a judgment he should be ordered to make payments.

 

Did you write him a check that could serve as proof or evidence that you loaned him the money? Any evidence is good.

 

Doing nothing would make me angry as well - better to take action so that you feel that you're taking action to gain some of your power back.

 

Doesn't matter if he can't pay now - he may be forced to pay over time.

 

For me, I get mad at myself when I'm not taking action. Even if his wife finds out - take action so that you feel better about doing something instead of doing nothing.

[PachucaSunrise]

Guess I still need the support of some of my friends here.

 

We got your back, girl!

 

As some of you know, it's been years since my A ended. It took me more years to get past it, and I haven't been angry for really quite awhile. But something (I don't even know what) triggered the anger in me again yesterday.

 

Mostly it is about the huge amount of money I "loaned" him that I won't get back. It's both the issue of the money itself and knowing I won't ever get it back, but as well it's the feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used.

 

Who knows where the anger came from. It could have been anything. Sometimes it just hits us out of the clear blue sky. But more importantly, in your particular situation especially, I'm glad it was mainly anger you were feeling instead of some other, much more damaging emotion that could potentially be wreaking havoc on your spirit at this very moment. No, feeling angry isn't necessarily a good thing, but in your situation, I lean more towards believing it's a sign you're continuing to heal, and I think that's great. And without downplaying your feelings, what I'm really trying to say is that it could be MUCH, MUCH worse. You've certainly come a long way and deserve to give yourself some credit for that.

 

And yes, that feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used is absolutely horrible. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way in addition to all the anger you've been experiencing. But it makes sense in your situation - the anger goes hand-in-hand with your feelings of being exploited. You SHOULD be mad! That's for damn sure. You have every right to feel the way you do. But let's chalk this one up to a slight bump in the road. Allow yourself to feel - don't run from it. Take it all in, but don't you dare dwell in it! I have a ton of faith in ya, sister!

 

I sent him an email which was not at all nice (facts, but the facts are not nice) and I demanded that he pay me back. Trouble is, I am not going to get blood from a stone.

 

Not to be a downer, but I doubt you'll get any bit of that money back, either. And for your sake, I hope (and feel very confident) that you will begin to accept that. But this anger you're feeling is not only about accepting the fact that this douche canoe owes you a ton of cash; it's also about accepting that he's a real creep who doesn't seem to have a conscience... And the really, really tough part of all of this is that you're also beginning to accept - you lost control of yourself for a little while there. Trust me, I know what a difficult pill that is to swallow.

 

So thank your lucky stars that you're on the other end of the spectrum in terms of the kind of person you are - you're SOLID - he IS NOT. You selflessly lent this guy money to save his ass out of the goodness of your heart. Take all the positives you can from this situation. Lending him that money may not have been the best decision at the time, but AT THAT TIME, it's what you wanted to do, regardless of the consequences. You were thinking with your heart instead of your head, and that's such a huge chunk of what this A stuff is all about in the first place. Now that time has passed, it's very obvious you've become aware of your faulty thinking, and although you've learned the hard way, still, YOU HAVE LEARNED.

 

Honestly, if you're not in dire need of this money, I would highly suggest for you to swallow your pride, kiss the money goodbye, and never, ever give him the satisfaction of knowing how S$itty you've been feeling, EVER again. He doesn't ever deserve the right to know that. I totally understand that money-wise, this is a huge loss, but with this loss you've also had some tremendous gains - one being the gift of yourself - the greatest gift of all.

 

I don't understand why the anger came back. I have long ago gotten past the "wanting" him and the hurt and pain of him not being in my life. And I have tried to get past losing all that money. But I just can't get past that, and the anger is still there. I still think about it a lot, how I want that money back. How do I accept it and get past it and move on?

 

Hope - you don't want him and are not feeling that nagging pain of not having him in your life anymore, and have randomly become angry over a specific situation in which you temporarily let your guard down, handed over your trust, and lost control of your true self... Maybe this is part of the final stages of your healing journey? Maybe the money and the fact that you may never see it again isn't exactly where this anger is coming from... Maybe your anger is coming from within? In a sense, by trying to get the money back, maybe it's actually a personal attempt to restore some of the control you lost in your life?

 

Maybe you will get the money back, maybe not, but I think this is a pretty big turning point for you - coming face-to-face with your past blunders, fully accepting them (or at least trying to), and quite possibly gaining back your WHOLE self - the person you knew and loved unconditionally before you ever found yourself in this situation - all the money in the world could never compare to that.

 

I did say in a previous post here at LS in response to someone a few weeks ago that he gave it back to me. He didn't. I just couldn't deal with more criticism from posters at that time. I knew (and KNOW) how stupid I was to give him money, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I hate myself for being so stupid.

 

I'm sure I would have done the same exact thing. It can get a little rough here at times, haha. But in all seriousness, think about this for just a minute - it's not yourself you hate for being so stupid - it's the decision you made - and you ARE NOT your decisions, they DO NOT define you as a person.

 

He hasn't even made one effort to give even one dime of it back to me. Even if he would have made an EFFORT, it would have been much different. It's that lack of effort at all that hits me in the face.

 

I don't expect that you will see any efforts from him in terms of paying you back. And yes, that's another very bitter pill to swallow. It sucks and I'm sorry you even have to deal with it. HOWEVER, these are his true colors, and you're experiencing them from a whole new perspective. Easier said than done, for sure, but at this point, he doesn't deserve any bit of your energy.

 

You made a mistake, Hope. Yes, it was an expensive one, but still, it was just a mistake. We all make them. The hard part is accepting that we're capable of making such mistakes, and at times, realizing that our good judgment becomes clouded, but that's just human nature.

 

So, take what you can from this learning experience, and without dwelling in it, continue to accept the anger you're experiencing. I know you've done a lot of hard work, and you should be damn proud of yourself for that! I have so much confidence in you, but you gotta keep going. By continuing to accept the difficult stuff, it brings you closer and closer to being YOU again, and like I said before, that REALLY is the greatest gift of all - the gift that money can NEVER buy.

[gettingstronger]

I think I would be angry as well- in any relationship- A, marriage, friendship, whatever- being taken advantage of lingers for years and surfaces at odd times for unknown reasons-

 

I have no words of wisdom for you so I will just be my immature self and say- what a d^ck- what a horrible thing to do to someone- and I am sorry you are hurting-

[Patna]

Hope, totally understand how you feel. I felt used too, not in terms of financially, but physically. I think when we were with them, we were so blinded by love and always trust them and gave them the benefit of doubts. I wished I had been wiser, but I can't turn back time. I am a much more bitter person today than I'd ever been in my life and I hate this new me. I have a lot of triggers because my affair didn't end that long ago, and we are still in contact. We are no longer together, but the contact always sets a lot of triggers and sadness. I wished I had see his true colors earlier but I was only wise enough to see them after he ended our relationship. Yet, I still gave him a lot of benefit of doubts on my good days and this part of me still wished I could trust him when I confronted him about this issue. On bad days, I'll get so upset at not just him, but at myself too for allowing myself to be in that position. After all, it takes two hands to clap, and I had offered him mine in the first place. I guessed we had very similar thoughts?

 

Everyday, I'll remind myself not to think about the past anymore. I need to move on and not let my mistake ruin the rest of my life. It's tough because I still cry a lot, but I have learn better on identifying the triggers and dealing with them. I was once afraid of shrugging off those thoughts or pushing those to the back of my mind, for fear that I would become numb or they may just explode and bite back on me one day. But recently I also learnt a hard way that whatever you feed your mind will grow. So if I think of him in that negative aspects and all those hurts he brought to me, my hurts and bitterness will only be fueled and grow. I don't want to continue to give him power and control over my life anymore.

 

Easier said than done, but I'm trying because I believe that one day, we'll find peace. Peace with the past, and one day, we'll look back and realize we are not even upset anymore. We just feel indifferent about the whole relationship, and they no longer have that bondage over us anymore. We won't even feel negative about them anymore because we are too happy in our state of lives to even be bothered about wasting time thinking negatively of them.

 

May you find peace even today. Hugs.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope,

 

Unless the loan has hurt you financially, I strongly suggest you let it go. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on. Look at it as a hard and unfortunately expensive lesson learned.

 

I know what it feels to be taken advantage of by people you cared about. I've had former friends use me in the past. It's humiliating and such an awful feeling.

 

Honestly, why don't you cut this man completely out of your life? Block all of his contact information. From reading your previous posts, this man sounds like a complete selfish A hole. Life is way too short for you to waste anymore of your emotions on him. Please forgive yourself and allow yourself to truly heal. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Love is blind and you were trying to help the man you loved.

 

Thanks violet. I had cut him from my life, but I just was triggered by something yesterday - I don't even know what. I do have to let it go.

 

Hope,

 

In my first marriage I left without one thing. Well, except for my daughter. I was wise enough to know, that if I fought for what was mine rightfully.....he would have kept me tied to him for years fighting me. When what I needed ...was to move on. Being that I asked for nothing...he had nothing to contest and I got a fast divorce.

 

I firmly believe that some people are worth paying to get them OUT of your life.

 

Looks like you met one too.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Clearly you are a strong person. You make a good point about paying to get them out of your life. Thank you.

 

He obviously needed it more than you, not to make excuses for him, but maybe he truly CAN'T pay it back and its humilating and emasculating to have to say so.

I'd try to QUIETLY forgive him...don't tell if you do....just think...you did something you would do for any friend in need.

In this case you paid for your freedom.

Who looks like the good guy here and can walk away with head held high?!? Y-O-U...not him...you did a nice thing, he looks like a douche, you dodged a bullet, he has to look in the mirror each day knowing he was a jerk. You dont.

Now....never look back...block and go on. Your worth a million...not a loan payment. Peace.

 

I don't think I can forgive him. I just want to make peace with it and move on. And forgive myself. Thank you for the support!

 

Hope, he man not be able to pay a lump sum back, but he could send $10 a week; $50 a month as a gesture of faith...that would show me he does respect you and isn't a user.

 

The fact that he hasnt shows you the type of jerk he is.

 

I'm sorry today was touch for you

 

Thanks JB. I think you hit the nail on the head of what has been so difficult and really pisses me off the most - that he made NO effort. None.

 

It sounds to me like you want HIM back - and that's why you contacted him. Especially years after the A ended. The money sounds like a rationalized excuse to make contact with him. You aren't stupid, you loaned money to someone that was just using you. You won't make that mistake again, hopefully. Live and learn. But I would be cautious of convincing yourself that you are emailing him years after the fact "because of the money" because I highly doubt that's really why you want contact with him.

 

Thanks for your perspective Amy. If I wanted him back, I would have replied to one of the "fishing" emails he has sent to my work account since I ended our "friendship" a few months ago. I knew that sending that email would only put the final nails in the coffin. That's the only good part about it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Makes you wonder how he can sleep at night peacefully knowing what a total f-head he is or how he can look himself in the mirror.

 

How do you accept it? As angry as you are, rightfully so of course, it's time to give yourself back ALL the power and that means not letting what he did, said, borrowed hold you hostage. Set yourself free by accepting that he is a sad pathetic person not worthy of another minutes thought. Or any of your tears. Don't give him that power over you. Don't waste your precious time thinking of him. He isn't worthy of being in your head. Make him dead to you and just try your best to turn it off and not care anymore.

 

I know probably easier said than done but if you can really push yourself, do a daily affirmation and make a promise to yourself (set a deadline and stick to it as much as you can) that you're done and letting go of everything and anything to do with him, I promise you, you'll feel better and heal healthier.

 

And most of all? Forgive yourself for wasting so much time on him.

I think if you can do that, you'll well be on your way to healing and feeling happier.

 

Thanks for your wise advice as usual WWIU. Much appreciated. You are right as always.

 

I haven't cried over him in a really long time. I think that it is not about the money per se, but just about feeling like as long as it's out there and I don't have it back, then he is the one still in control. A feeling I need to let go of.

 

You could file with the court to have the money repaid to you. Is it Nader the amount designated as small claims?

 

Once you get a judgment he should be ordered to make payments.

 

Did you write him a check that could serve as proof or evidence that you loaned him the money? Any evidence is good.

 

Doing nothing would make me angry as well - better to take action so that you feel that you're taking action to gain some of your power back.

 

Doesn't matter if he can't pay now - he may be forced to pay over time.

 

For me, I get mad at myself when I'm not taking action. Even if his wife finds out - take action so that you feel better about doing something instead of doing nothing.

 

I thought about that, but I think it's a lose-lose situation. He will never be able to pay it back, and forcing him isn't going to fix anything or change the past.

[Hope Shimmers]

Maybe the money and the fact that you may never see it again isn't exactly where this anger is coming from... Maybe your anger is coming from within? In a sense, by trying to get the money back, maybe it's actually a personal attempt to restore some of the control you lost in your life?

 

So, take what you can from this learning experience, and without dwelling in it, continue to accept the anger you're experiencing. I know you've done a lot of hard work, and you should be damn proud of yourself for that! I have so much confidence in you, but you gotta keep going. By continuing to accept the difficult stuff, it brings you closer and closer to being YOU again, and like I said before, that REALLY is the greatest gift of all - the gift that money can NEVER buy.

 

Pachuca,

 

I didn't quote your whole post here but thank you SO much for taking the time to support me - it helps more than I can tell you.

 

I think you are exactly right that the anger is coming from within me. I'm mad at myself for being stupid and this just feels like another thing that he has control over.

 

I have to accept that there isn't anything I can do about it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think I would be angry as well- in any relationship- A, marriage, friendship, whatever- being taken advantage of lingers for years and surfaces at odd times for unknown reasons-

 

I have no words of wisdom for you so I will just be my immature self and say- what a d^ck- what a horrible thing to do to someone- and I am sorry you are hurting-

 

Thanks GS. He is a d^ck for taking advantage. And that is never going to change.

 

Hope, totally understand how you feel. I felt used too, not in terms of financially, but physically. I think when we were with them, we were so blinded by love and always trust them and gave them the benefit of doubts. I wished I had been wiser, but I can't turn back time. I am a much more bitter person today than I'd ever been in my life and I hate this new me. I have a lot of triggers because my affair didn't end that long ago, and we are still in contact. We are no longer together, but the contact always sets a lot of triggers and sadness. I wished I had see his true colors earlier but I was only wise enough to see them after he ended our relationship. Yet, I still gave him a lot of benefit of doubts on my good days and this part of me still wished I could trust him when I confronted him about this issue. On bad days, I'll get so upset at not just him, but at myself too for allowing myself to be in that position. After all, it takes two hands to clap, and I had offered him mine in the first place. I guessed we had very similar thoughts?

 

Everyday, I'll remind myself not to think about the past anymore. I need to move on and not let my mistake ruin the rest of my life. It's tough because I still cry a lot, but I have learn better on identifying the triggers and dealing with them. I was once afraid of shrugging off those thoughts or pushing those to the back of my mind, for fear that I would become numb or they may just explode and bite back on me one day. But recently I also learnt a hard way that whatever you feed your mind will grow. So if I think of him in that negative aspects and all those hurts he brought to me, my hurts and bitterness will only be fueled and grow. I don't want to continue to give him power and control over my life anymore.

 

Easier said than done, but I'm trying because I believe that one day, we'll find peace. Peace with the past, and one day, we'll look back and realize we are not even upset anymore. We just feel indifferent about the whole relationship, and they no longer have that bondage over us anymore. We won't even feel negative about them anymore because we are too happy in our state of lives to even be bothered about wasting time thinking negatively of them.

 

May you find peace even today. Hugs.

 

Thanks for your support Patna. You are doing the right thing by moving forward. I wish you peace and happiness too. I guess I thought I was over the 'emotions' but maybe I never will be over the anger. I just want peace!

[MissBee]

Guess I still need the support of some of my friends here.

 

As some of you know, it's been years since my A ended. It took me more years to get past it, and I haven't been angry for really quite awhile. But something (I don't even know what) triggered the anger in me again yesterday.

 

Mostly it is about the huge amount of money I "loaned" him that I won't get back. It's both the issue of the money itself and knowing I won't ever get it back, but as well it's the feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used.

 

I sent him an email which was not at all nice (facts, but the facts are not nice) and I demanded that he pay me back. Trouble is, I am not going to get blood from a stone.

 

I don't understand why the anger came back. I have long ago gotten past the "wanting" him and the hurt and pain of him not being in my life. And I have tried to get past losing all that money. But I just can't get past that, and the anger is still there. I still think about it a lot, how I want that money back. How do I accept it and get past it and move on?

 

I did say in a previous post here at LS in response to someone a few weeks ago that he gave it back to me. He didn't. I just couldn't deal with more criticism from posters at that time. I knew (and KNOW) how stupid I was to give him money, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I hate myself for being so stupid.

 

He hasn't even made one effort to give even one dime of it back to me. Even if he would have made an EFFORT, it would have been much different. It's that lack of effort at all that hits me in the face.

 

I can totally relate.

 

I also loaned my exAP money and he also did not pay me back and also made no effort to...even during the time we tried a regular relationship.

 

Fortunately it wasn't thousands, but I was a college student at the time and the amount I did lend was a lot for me.

 

If I think about it now it can make me angry but I just tell myself it's just money, it comes and goes and lesson learned! NEVER again. He can keep the money as my life is rich in other ways, so I think of it as the payment for a lesson well learned.

[DKT3]

Hope there is a good chance its not "really" about the money. You kinda touched on it, but I think its about being pissed at yourself. I'm betting that your head say no, but you made the loan with your heart.

 

Believe it or not this is a good step. Why? One because it shows that you have detached emotionally, two your no longer protecting this loser.

 

You were in love with this guy and did what you did because of it. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of because of it. Forgive and forget....forgive yourself and forget your money. He has proven time and time again he isn't a stand up guy.......oh yeah, forget him too.

[snappytomcat]

hi hope

I really have no advice,but I do understand your anger,and the triggers oh those nasty triggers,but ive said this to you before,hes a ahole,and never desereved you or his wife,and nothing pizzes me off more than a kind person being taken advantage of,and you dear hope are a kind and very strong woman,and just get this d*ckweed out of your life for ever,he doesn't even deserve any space in your mind

[jwi71]

As some of you know, it's been years since my A ended. It took me more years to get past it, and I haven't been angry for really quite awhile. But something (I don't even know what) triggered the anger in me again yesterday.

 

At this juncture, given that has been YEARS since the end - and you still suffer - there is little anecdotal wisdom from LS can give. After all, you have been on this site nearly as long as I - STILL seeking coping mechanisms.

 

STILL triggering.

 

Whatever "this" is - it requires a professional, experienced, trained and non-judgmental hand to guide you through this.

 

IMO, you are best served by seeking IC.

 

Mostly it is about the huge amount of money I "loaned" him that I won't get back. It's both the issue of the money itself and knowing I won't ever get it back, but as well it's the feeling of being completely taken advantage of and used.

 

I'm not sure I agree that its about the money.

The money sounds like an excuse - the "permission" to keep "whatever this is" alive in your head - for had you TRULY let it go (the money) - you wouldn't care about the money TO demand it back.

 

I sent him an email which was not at all nice (facts, but the facts are not nice) and I demanded that he pay me back. Trouble is, I am not going to get blood from a stone.

 

If you only just now accepted you will not get blood from a stone then this email makes sense - if you KNEW he wasn't going to pay - and emailed anyway - then what I say above, to me, might be worth looking into.

 

I don't understand why the anger came back. I have long ago gotten past the "wanting" him and the hurt and pain of him not being in my life. And I have tried to get past losing all that money. But I just can't get past that, and the anger is still there. I still think about it a lot, how I want that money back. How do I accept it and get past it and move on?

 

Gently, and I say these things to help nudge you towards IC - if you think about something "alot" - then its NOT in the past.

 

Hard to move on, forgive and/or forget - when you give "this" free reign of your thoughts.

 

I did say in a previous post here at LS in response to someone a few weeks ago that he gave it back to me. He didn't. I just couldn't deal with more criticism from posters at that time. I knew (and KNOW) how stupid I was to give him money, and it's a hard pill to swallow. I hate myself for being so stupid.

 

Pride. Vanity. Ego.

These might be the things which keep "whatever this is" alive inside of you.

 

If you TRULY want this to die - STOP feeding it. And, for whatever reason, you cannot. And so, you think of it - "alot" - and you keep it alive.

 

You know this.

 

And, there is no shame or denigration here, its too much for you to handle on your own. Its too much for LS to handle. You need an experienced guide and the courage to look at yourself.

 

IMO - as you do NOT agree with this - the hardest foe is yourself - the hardest path you will ever walk - is inward. You can't stop when its hard or ugly or scary. However, by pushing through it, understanding even the darkest corners of yourself, you HEAL. And become strong. "It" loses its power.

 

And you find a peace. It would no longer matter.

 

He hasn't even made one effort to give even one dime of it back to me. Even if he would have made an EFFORT, it would have been much different. It's that lack of effort at all that hits me in the face.

 

...and here we go - just a little nugget of how its not about the money...its about "something else".

 

I would find a good IC and start working.

You DESERVE a happy life - one devoid of "this".

 

The GREAT thing is - YOU control all of this. It ends when you choose.

Choose it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks MissBee. I am glad to hear that I'm not the only one who gets angry. I am sorry you still have to deal with that, though. Crappy men.

 

DKT3, thank you. I'm glad you see it that way, and thanks for your support. What you think matters to me.

 

jwi71, thanks for your message. I certainly don't disagree that looking within one's own self is extremely difficult. However, at the point I'm at now, getting past this will be a cake walk compared to what I did before.

 

I can understand some of your statements - but I don't think I am in as sad a state as you might be thinking. Maybe my own miscommunications - yes, I think about the money A LOT, but I have never thought about HIM related to it until the other day when I got angry. My financial situation is okay but not as great as it was when I lent the money. I have thought many times over the last months about what I would do (mainly work on my house) if I had that money, that I have otherwise have had to put off. That sentiment had nothing to do with him and would have been there no matter who I lent the money to.

 

So yes, I triggered, but I don't consider myself a lost cause and in dire need of professional help because I got MAD AT HIM that he still owes me $XX,XXX that I would LOVE to have back, for more than one reason. But thank you so much for what you said - I do know I deserve happiness, and I am certainly holding out for that.

[BrokenPrincess]

Hope, have you ever done IC to deal with the recovery from your A at any point over the years ? (Just curious)

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, have you ever done IC to deal with the recovery from your A at any point over the years ? (Just curious)

 

I did for quite awhile, and it did not help. Made it worse in fact.

 

My ex-husband and I also did marriage counseling at one point and it was a disaster. The MC thought he could cure his physical and mental abuse through 'mindfulness classes'. Which he took, and which did nothing.

 

I don't believe in it.

[AmyBamy]

I did for quite awhile, and it did not help. Made it worse in fact.

 

My ex-husband and I also did marriage counseling at one point and it was a disaster. The MC thought he could cure his physical and mental abuse through 'mindfulness classes'. Which he took, and which did nothing.

 

I don't believe in it.

 

Mindfulness is VERY powerful if a person can learn it and use it. It's a standard and empirically based treatment for people with Bipolar Personality Disorder which is very difficult to "treat". I use mindfulness every day and it has improved my life tenfold. I'm not always effective with it, it's a hard thing for some people to grasp, let alone use - but when you get it and can use it, it is amazingly effective in stopping impulsivity, negative thought patterns, black and white thinking - all those things that stymie people and stick them in a place that they don't want to be.

 

I don't believe it would "cure" anyone of anything, but it certainly provides skills that every person in the world could use. And the results with people diagnosed with Bipolar Personality Disorder are amazing considering that their success rate (measured by their ability to function without impulsivity and such) with any other therapy is nearly 0 and with this is nearly 90%.

 

And, to be frank, it could be really helpful in your situation right now. To help you see this in a different way so that you aren't so angry about it. To help you stop getting stuck on "fair" and "unfair" which does nothing to help the situation at all because you can't make it fair. Mindfulness addresses situations that you can't control and helps you find ways to work through them in a healthy way so that you don't get stuck. It would be perfect for how you are feeling with this!

[Hope Shimmers]

hi hope

I really have no advice,but I do understand your anger,and the triggers oh those nasty triggers,but ive said this to you before,hes a ahole,and never desereved you or his wife,and nothing pizzes me off more than a kind person being taken advantage of,and you dear hope are a kind and very strong woman,and just get this d*ckweed out of your life for ever,he doesn't even deserve any space in your mind

 

I just realized I missed this - and one of my favorite people here! I'm sorry!

 

Thank you so much snappy, for saying that I am kind and strong and for your support in general that is ALWAYS there. It means a lot coming from you, as you are one of the strongest and kindest women I know as well. I know you are a wonderful and very cool woman in real life. Your support means a great deal.

[Hope Shimmers]

Mindfulness is VERY powerful if a person can learn it and use it. It's a standard and empirically based treatment for people with Bipolar Personality Disorder which is very difficult to "treat". I use mindfulness every day and it has improved my life tenfold. I'm not always effective with it, it's a hard thing for some people to grasp, let alone use - but when you get it and can use it, it is amazingly effective in stopping impulsivity, negative thought patterns, black and white thinking - all those things that stymie people and stick them in a place that they don't want to be.

 

I don't believe it would "cure" anyone of anything, but it certainly provides skills that every person in the world could use. And the results with people diagnosed with Bipolar Personality Disorder are amazing considering that their success rate (measured by their ability to function without impulsivity and such) with any other therapy is nearly 0 and with this is nearly 90%.

 

And, to be frank, it could be really helpful in your situation right now. To help you see this in a different way so that you aren't so angry about it. To help you stop getting stuck on "fair" and "unfair" which does nothing to help the situation at all because you can't make it fair. Mindfulness addresses situations that you can't control and helps you find ways to work through them in a healthy way so that you don't get stuck. It would be perfect for how you are feeling with this!

 

Actually mindfulness therapy was first evaluated in patients with major depressive disorder, with mixed results. It has been studied in patients with bipolar disorder, but there is a paucity of well-controlled studies and those smaller studies that do exist suggest that in some cases it may decrease the symptoms of anxiety that coexist with bipolar disorder. It was - and is - never used to "treat" bipolar disorder, which actually isn't hard to treat with pharmacological therapy but adherence is poor.

 

I'm glad it works for you. It didn't work for my ex-husband, who tried it honestly but was forced into it by his work supervisors for anger management issues. Mindfulness wasn't going to cure his issues; nothing will.

 

I'm trained scientifically so I research these ideas based on that criteria, and it didn't hold up for me. But anyone who can make ANYTHING work - be it 'mindfulness therapy', or meditation, or whatever - more power to them!

[Soverysad123]

Hope you are one of the wisest, strongest, kind, honest, take no bull ****, supportive posters on here. You opened your heart to this guy and the triggers are always going to be there. Can you think to yourself that the money was a small price to finally get him out of your life and to help realise what type of man he was. Just think if he had given you the money back, you may have warm feeling towards him because he paid you back, losing the money was a small price to pay.

 

Really hope you can move forward. Just remember how bloody amazing you are xxx

[AmyBamy]

Actually mindfulness therapy was first evaluated in patients with major depressive disorder, with mixed results. It has been studied in patients with bipolar disorder, but there is a paucity of well-controlled studies and those smaller studies that do exist suggest that in some cases it may decrease the symptoms of anxiety that coexist with bipolar disorder. It was - and is - never used to "treat" bipolar disorder, which actually isn't hard to treat with pharmacological therapy but adherence is poor.

 

I'm glad it works for you. It didn't work for my ex-husband, who tried it honestly but was forced into it by his work supervisors for anger management issues. Mindfulness wasn't going to cure his issues; nothing will.

 

I'm trained scientifically so I research these ideas based on that criteria, and it didn't hold up for me. But anyone who can make ANYTHING work - be it 'mindfulness therapy', or meditation, or whatever - more power to them!

 

I was speaking specifically of mindfulness used within the context of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It is the very basis for that treatment. I should have been more clear that I was referring to it within that context. I'm sorry it didn't work for your husband or you, it is a difficult thing to master for many people who are very much led by their emotions. Good luck!

[Hope Shimmers]

I was speaking specifically of mindfulness used within the context of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It is the very basis for that treatment.

 

Yes, we are talking about the same thing as they are usually used together and aimed at people who react in more intense manners to situations, particularly with other people.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work for your husband or you, it is a difficult thing to master for many people who are very much led by their emotions. Good luck!

 

It didn't work for me because I never tried it, and it didn't work for my ex-husband because he was forced into it. I have no doubt that it works for some people who actively and voluntarily employ it.

 

Anyway this thread is not about my therapy needs, but thank you for the good wishes!

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope you are one of the wisest, strongest, kind, honest, take no bull ****, supportive posters on here. You opened your heart to this guy and the triggers are always going to be there. Can you think to yourself that the money was a small price to finally get him out of your life and to help realise what type of man he was. Just think if he had given you the money back, you may have warm feeling towards him because he paid you back, losing the money was a small price to pay.

 

Really hope you can move forward. Just remember how bloody amazing you are xxx

 

Thanks so much for the support and kind words... it really helps.

 

The positive was that it put the last nail in the coffin and I doubt I will ever hear from him again. In my e-mail I also mentioned something about letting his wife know about the $, which I'm sure didn't go over well.