Can't seem to let go...

[aMguilts]

Yup. I'm speaking from experience in what refers to old guys (50+).

 

And yes. I'm "idealizing" Chris's wife. I don't know her. And I'm assuming things. That's what people do, concerning stories like Chris's.

You know as much as I do. So my opinion is as valid as yours.

 

We all have our own experiences. And yes, sometimes we get "weirder". Maybe I'm getting weirder as I grow older. But, hey, at least I assume.

 

And my statements and opinions are just as valid as yours, concerning this case. It's upt o Chris to decide which may be the better advice to him.

 

Hey, I myself could argue that you had no right to give opinions on the subject of his suffering to him. Considering that you had a severe depression that led to the breakup of your marriage and that you still only found solace when your wife returned to you.

 

 

well at least I`ve got 7 years or so before I become `older` and turn into rolf

 

 

and i1ve still got depression,yes I`m back with my wife

the demons are still there but we`re working thou them

but I `ve got 7 years left yet#!!!

aM

[Mr. Lucky]

I would love to meet someone as I believe it is the only thing that will truly get me over my ex.

This is where I think you're wrong. You don't need to meet "someone", you just need to date and mingle. You don't need to be finding Ms. Right, you need to hang out with a couple of Ms. Right Nows to get yourself back out there and in the social world. There's plenty of casual ways - organizations, coed sports teams, dating sites for divorced parents, etc - in which you can meet people and in fact, with today's tech, it's never been easier.

 

The more vivid current memories you create, the fainter your ex-wife's imprint becomes. And the more time spent planning your own activities, the less time thinking about hers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[William]

Moderation received a 'thread wandering off-topic' report and, quickly scanning, I'll remind members that sharing personal experience is appropriate; however, let's keep things focused on the thread starter and their issue and refrain from cross-talk amongst members about their own experiences. Thanks!

[Chris1964]

Now look what I have stirred up. I got a moderator involved. All good points everyone, and thanks for the help. I can see the correlation to only dating older men than me based on her internet searches of older men and sex with older men. I am even older than her by 5 years, but the guys she has dated are 15-20 older than her. We had a great sex life together, and even continued to have sex 6 months after she initially said she wanted out...but then one day it just stopped. It I still have a very strong physical attraction to her, and it drives me crazy when I visualize her having sex with other partners. The older guys must really do it for her is all I can gather. I probably dwell mostly on the sexual visions I have of her with other men. What did I miss? What could I have done better? Is she more satisfied now? What has she tried with them that she never did with me. All unhealthy!!!!!!! Some days I just can't take it!!!

[Eivuwan]

I know you have long work hours and have to make time for your boys too, but I'm sure despite all that you can still carve out a few hours a week for a date. Stop making excuses. Just do it.

[aMguilts]

Now look what I have stirred up. I got a moderator involved. All good points everyone, and thanks for the help. I can see the correlation to only dating older men than me based on her internet searches of older men and sex with older men. I am even older than her by 5 years, but the guys she has dated are 15-20 older than her. We had a great sex life together, and even continued to have sex 6 months after she initially said she wanted out...but then one day it just stopped. It I still have a very strong physical attraction to her, and it drives me crazy when I visualize her having sex with other partners. The older guys must really do it for her is all I can gather. I probably dwell mostly on the sexual visions I have of her with other men. What did I miss? What could I have done better? Is she more satisfied now? What has she tried with them that she never did with me. All unhealthy!!!!!!! Some days I just can't take it!!!

 

 

 

 

ok your problem is that you are a doormat

 

 

she knows this

you don`t

great sex or not

All you can ever think about is what `she` is doing

Who`s she`s with

Older or not

Yes you`re right..it`s unhealthy!!

concentrate on what you are doing

if you haven`t already

look up homer and saving yourself

 

 

so what ya gonna do?

 

 

aM

[Justanaverageguy]

This is where I think you're wrong. You don't need to meet "someone", you just need to date and mingle. You don't need to be finding Ms. Right, you need to hang out with a couple of Ms. Right Nows to get yourself back out there and in the social world. There's plenty of casual ways - organizations, coed sports teams, dating sites for divorced parents, etc - in which you can meet people and in fact, with today's tech, it's never been easier.

 

The more vivid current memories you create, the fainter your ex-wife's imprint becomes. And the more time spent planning your own activities, the less time thinking about hers...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

100% agree .... the only way to really move on from an ex - is to actually move on. And that means dating other people. You don't want to go in with the expectation of launching straight back into a long term relationship or finding your soul mate with the first women who comes along. That's not healthy and frankly most people with that mind set come off as very unattractive.

 

Just start dating again .... start playing the singles game. Have fun with it. Go in with no expectations other then meeting some interesting ladies and having some fun. Sure enough I'm certain you will have fun and eventually find one that you find more interesting that you want to get to know a bit better.

 

Seriously even if it doesn't progress that far once you get that buzzed feeling from another women .... you start thinking about her in your spare time .... you get nervous about calling or going on dates with her - You will be like WTF was I thinking for the last 5 years.

 

Stop pinning for a women who clearly is no longer interested in you and get out there brother ..... plenty of fish in the sea.

[Chris1964]

ok your problem is that you are a doormat

 

 

she knows this

you don`t

great sex or not

All you can ever think about is what `she` is doing

Who`s she`s with

Older or not

Yes you`re right..it`s unhealthy!!

concentrate on what you are doing

if you haven`t already

look up homer and saving yourself

 

 

so what ya gonna do?

 

aM

 

 

 

 

I know dating is what I have to do to move on, but as sad as it is five years later, I just don't have a strong desire to date anyone at this point...and I don't know why I still feel like this. Has anyone else out there ever experienced this feeling at this stage of divorce?

[trippi1432]

I know dating is what I have to do to move on, but as sad as it is five years later, I just don't have a strong desire to date anyone at this point...and I don't know why I still feel like this. Has anyone else out there ever experienced this feeling at this stage of divorce?

 

If I may point out, your words contradict themselves...you are not at a "stage of divorce" you ARE divorced. It's okay if you don't have a strong desire to date again....honestly, you haven't met anyone yet to take your ex-wife off the pedestal you built....you might not ever get there, it really depends on you and how long you want to beat yourself up over the situation.

 

It's actually okay to remember the good times, that means you had them...it also means you helped to create them. It's so easy to forget that you played a part in that role of your own happiness...that's how you get "stuck". When you are able to reconcile your own ability to be happy with you (you alone...not as a father, an employee or an employer...just you) it will be hard to fill the empty vessel you create by thinking your happiness is dependent on this one person...it was always dependent on you.

[Chris1964]

Ok...This just isn't normal. I think about her all of the time throughout the day for periods...non-stop. I have seen her 4 out of the last 5 days, and this is exactly what happens! Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

[bigman1]

I suggest that you look into that behavior mod program where you pop your wrist with a rubber band when you think romantic thoughts about her. Also, look into how, and I don't mean this negatively, look into how they treat people who are stalkers. You are not a stalker, but the inability to let go is a trait. See if there is a therapy for that.

 

I had a friend who asked me about this girl he loved, but who did not love him and dropped him. He asked me about her for 15 years! He could not let go. Finally, he stopped. His eyes brighten if you mention her name, now 25 years later, but then he shakes his head and changes the topic. He found a way to let her go.

 

You need to stop viewing your relationship as something you lost. The same for your wife. That was a time in your life, but it is over and greater things lie ahead if you start moving ahead. Date because you need to. NEVER compare the new with her. No relationships just adventures.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

Seriously even if it doesn't progress that far once you get that buzzed feeling from another women .... you start thinking about her in your spare time .... you get nervous about calling or going on dates with her - You will be like WTF was I thinking for the last 5 years.

 

Read this please.. it is so so so true! Do us all a favor, just go on a date, please! I really believe that all of the things that you are feeling will really disappear into the background.

 

Sorry you are having such a hard time with this....

[RonaldS]

Guy, let me be the one to break this to you:

 

Your ex wife ain't that great. She's not. She is one of literally BILLIONS of chicks on this planet. On top of not being that great, it sounds like she didn't really give a crap about you (at least toward the end).

 

So, let's add this up....

 

She ain't that great + she didn't and doesn't give a crap about you + 5 years + billions of other women out there = what the eff are you doing?!

 

Go out and date. Or hang out. Or hook up. But DO something, and DON'T think about some has-been old-news chick who isn't worth 1 minute of thought, much less 5 years. Sh*t, I see my ex almost every week and have to hear her voice everyday on the phone, and half the time, I can't even remember her name.

[aMguilts]

Ok...This just isn't normal. I think about her all of the time throughout the day for periods...non-stop. I have seen her 4 out of the last 5 days, and this is exactly what happens! Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

 

 

yeah

it`s normal!!

yes . THIS is EXACTLY what happens when you keep on seeing her.

 

 

dream about her too??

wake up in a sweat even though it`s cold?

or shiver, when it`s hot?

 

 

sorry , but this is what happens

until you let go

aM

[dichotomy]

Sympathies and tough advice.

 

Sympathies, after the end of my first marriage I was hurt, broken and depressed. It took me about 1.5 years to date again. I can say if we had kids and I was tied to her - it would have been longer. I am married with kids now and know what its in store if I ever divorce. However I can tell you looking back at the end of my first marriage - I would like to go back in a time machine to about 6 months after the divorce and slap my self silly - and get out there and date - and date ALOT. The only thing I am left sorry over is wasted time in my life.

 

tough advice - pretty much what everyone else said to you. Your ex wife has been out banging other guys (old or not), its been 5 years. Trust me if she did come back to you (fantasy but okay) it would be a mess for you as well. What you want - has been gone and is now burned to ashes. I can't tell you what will flip the switch for you to get back out there and drop your thoughts about your ex wife - it could be more therapy, some new exercise, change in job in the future (less hours) or hobby or moving somewhere else, or maybe forgiving her and yourself, or understanding your worth in life as a man?.

 

Forgetting your obsession with your ex wife - 70 hour work weeks continuously is not good for you. Maybe focus on getting work life balance and health, then seek dating. Have you even tired going on online dating sites - just to try it out for a while - coffee dates on a sunday and see what happens - just don't go on and on about your ex over the coffee.

Edited August 21, 2014 by dichotomy