Female blogger is "single by choice"

[Pompom]

Can anyone elaborate as to why some single women tend to rationalize or mask their reasons with "I'm single by choice"?

 

Please make sure your request for an elaboration on her choice does not stem from the wide-spread (mis)conception that women must always strive to partner up and spawn. Some people do choose to be single, for no specific reasons or not because there might be anything wrong with them. Not everyone has to have something wrong with them for having no desire to be in a relationship. Personally I yearn to be, but I can also see how people may not be interested. As an introvert myself, I know, for example, that having people around can be extremely exhausting, even loved ones.

 

I know men and women are raised and conditioned to believe that every woman's ultimate goal in life is to be some man's wifey and make babies, but in reality, this is strictly subjective.

[irc333]

Yes. But what if I don't want that? And am not bothered if my perfect relationship doesn't materialise? What is wrong with that?!

 

If you're not actually bothered by this, then no biggie, however, I find that most women complain, sometimes constantly, about not meeting the "perfect" (or perfect for them rather) guy when they are turning down men that are asking them out left and right.

[GemmaUK]

Saw this recent post through a friend of a friend on a social media site, mid-30's singles chick that talks about her trials and tribulations of being an over 30 single woman.

 

I am noticing a pattern with these "empowered" single, working women that seem to be an advocate of the "I'm a woman, hear me roar" movement of the 60s, but not entirely as intense as it used to, but more implied.

 

The female, married friend I found on Facebook is a former high school friend/acquaintance, and seems to follow and also blogs about the whole "female issues" thing.

 

She's actually a former CIA agent (linguistics as she follows the Arabic language) and currently married. She apparently blogs, too, and also follows the said SINGLE blogger.

 

Apparently she's a "former" corporate working girl that now...is looking to settle down into some kind of long term relationship, though it does appear that she's still single and unattached and attributes her situation as being "single by choice".

 

Though, I've seen this cliche'd phrased uttered millions of times by single people to make themselves feel better about being single, it does make me think of it as a "cover up" of sorts to help them get over being alone.

 

For instance, the blog post introduces her "you're a middle aged single woman with no boyfriend, what is wrong with you" when a man she goes out on a date her with asks her that very question, though he doesn't say, "What's wrong with you?", it's implied obviously only because it is asked.

 

Not sure if him simply asking her this question was the deal breaker in continuing ot see him again as if he had some kind of nerve to be asking her at all, but she does mention that he too has also been asked the same question.

 

As you can see from her picture, she's very pretty, in good shape, healthy, has a decent job and a good amount going for her.

 

Though she doesn't elaborate about her criteria, though she's a Christian woman involved in ministries, she doesn't talk about her criteria in what she seeks nor discusses the "first date" she had with a man and never pointed out why it was ONLY a first date.

 

It kind of makes you wonder why.

 

Anyhow, I've seen my share of women who finally grow weary of the corporate world only to focus more on finding that "special someone", but some may feel it a crutch at this point in their life as it seems it's mostly women that deliberately keep themselves single by simply refusing dating opportunities from men.

 

Can anyone elaborate as to why some single women tend to rationalize or mask their reasons with "I'm single by choice"?

 

Well it's very clear from her blog that her now ex husband was not the lovely guy that she first thought he was. He was initially a nice guy/good man but turned into someone very different - abusive from the sound of it.

 

This is a lot of the problem with 'nice guys' in that they turn out not very nie at all.

Also, once you know what early signs to look out for they are easy to spot a mile off.

This lady is happy to trust her instincts whenever she meets someone.

 

She is single by choice because she doesn't want the hassle of a bad relationship.

Who would?

It's much easier to be happy and single than in a relationship and unhappy.

 

I'm currently single by choice too.

I feel much the same as she does.

 

I have a good job, a place of my own, a social life. Yes it could be more fun with the right partner but with the wrong partner it could be a nightmare.

 

Going on dates can be fun but can also be draining.

 

My dating experiences have been a big old mixture but manyy men do this thing (and someone else here mentioned it too) where they seem to think they know you better than you do yourself.

They want to change you and expect you to behave in all of the same ways their ex's did as well.

 

Having our own opinions or behaving true to ourselves doesn't work for these guys so they attempt manipulation/guilt to make you conform to how they want you to be.

 

Basically, it all boils down to their insecurity.

 

Not all men are like that by any means but to find someone you are attracted to (because we all need some level of physical attraction to a partner or we would never want to sleep with them), who you get on well with and have the same values as just isn't easy.

 

I'm sure if she found that guy she would be happy to no longer be single.

In the meantime though she isn't about to give every man that comes her way a chance. She deserves to feel that chemistry and also just the same as men do, to bide her time and see how they get along while she does date.

I don't blame her. I do just the same.

 

Giving men a chance in this day and technological age often leads to all kinds of problems.

People seem to want it all 'now' and this is what I find with a lot of men.

I don't have enough digits on one hand to count the dates I have had where nothing has come of it and they continued to persue (for several years in one case) and won't take no for an answer or where something did come of it, then the guy was full on and al in a rush and had his own timeline for selling my house (?), me quitting my job (?) and us supposedly living happily ever after somewhere he chooses and me living a life he has chosen for me....just after a few dates....

 

That is why I am single by choice.

There's more to life than being with 'any' man.

I would only want to be with 'that special man' who I love as much as he loves me.

In the meantime me being single doesn't affect anyone but me. Same for the lady in the blog. If we are both OK with our choice then why question it? It doesn't affect you in any way at all.

[irc333]

Good points, but I recall speaking with a female married friend of mine that's been married appx 20 years, in hear early 40's attractive...as she's constantly hearing these nightmare dating stories from all the single ladies in the Meetup group.

 

She says, "Man, I'm glad I don't have to go through that dating crap!!". Since she's married, happy, she's absolutely happy she's not in the dating loop anymore.

 

It's not often you hear a married woman being so glad that "being married" has kept them away from the nightmare of modern day dating.

 

 

 

Well it's very clear from her blog that her now ex husband was not the lovely guy that she first thought he was. He was initially a nice guy/good man but turned into someone very different - abusive from the sound of it.

 

This is a lot of the problem with 'nice guys' in that they turn out not very nie at all.

Also, once you know what early signs to look out for they are easy to spot a mile off.

This lady is happy to trust her instincts whenever she meets someone.

 

She is single by choice because she doesn't want the hassle of a bad relationship.

Who would?

It's much easier to be happy and single than in a relationship and unhappy.

 

I'm currently single by choice too.

I feel much the same as she does.

 

I have a good job, a place of my own, a social life. Yes it could be more fun with the right partner but with the wrong partner it could be a nightmare.

 

Going on dates can be fun but can also be draining.

 

My dating experiences have been a big old mixture but manyy men do this thing (and someone else here mentioned it too) where they seem to think they know you better than you do yourself.

They want to change you and expect you to behave in all of the same ways their ex's did as well.

 

Having our own opinions or behaving true to ourselves doesn't work for these guys so they attempt manipulation/guilt to make you conform to how they want you to be.

 

Basically, it all boils down to their insecurity.

 

Not all men are like that by any means but to find someone you are attracted to (because we all need some level of physical attraction to a partner or we would never want to sleep with them), who you get on well with and have the same values as just isn't easy.

 

I'm sure if she found that guy she would be happy to no longer be single.

In the meantime though she isn't about to give every man that comes her way a chance. She deserves to feel that chemistry and also just the same as men do, to bide her time and see how they get along while she does date.

I don't blame her. I do just the same.

 

Giving men a chance in this day and technological age often leads to all kinds of problems.

People seem to want it all 'now' and this is what I find with a lot of men.

I don't have enough digits on one hand to count the dates I have had where nothing has come of it and they continued to persue (for several years in one case) and won't take no for an answer or where something did come of it, then the guy was full on and al in a rush and had his own timeline for selling my house (?), me quitting my job (?) and us supposedly living happily ever after somewhere he chooses and me living a life he has chosen for me....just after a few dates....

 

That is why I am single by choice.

There's more to life than being with 'any' man.

I would only want to be with 'that special man' who I love as much as he loves me.

In the meantime me being single doesn't affect anyone but me. Same for the lady in the blog. If we are both OK with our choice then why question it? It doesn't affect you in any way at all.

[irc333]

I don't have enough digits on one hand to count the dates I have had where nothing has come of it and they continued to persue (for several years in one case)

 

I actually recall a woman that wasn't willing to give a man a shot. She knew him from Meetup and apparently she had a close friend that was trying to be a "wingman" for said man. He said, "He's a nice guy, talk to him, he's a great guy"

 

And she said something like, "Nah, he's not my type" but the 3rd party/wingman gave her a couple more extra nudges to get to know him... so she was like "Alright, alright...I'll do it!"

 

Now..they are married.

[GemmaUK]

Good points, but I recall speaking with a female married friend of mine that's been married appx 20 years, in hear early 40's attractive...as she's constantly hearing these nightmare dating stories from all the single ladies in the Meetup group.

 

She says, "Man, I'm glad I don't have to go through that dating crap!!". Since she's married, happy, she's absolutely happy she's not in the dating loop anymore.

 

It's not often you hear a married woman being so glad that "being married" has kept them away from the nightmare of modern day dating.

 

And that is the sad thing.

People do end up sticking around in relationships they are unhappy in.

Myself and that blogger don't want to do that.

I really want to be happy in a relationship..ups and downs are all part of it and how you both learn to communicate. That to me is all good and relationships should be a team, each with their own strengths but not imposed by previous ex's nor anything outside of that team.

 

I don't want to be some trophy woman on a man's arm. Him seeming to the outside world to be a great guy while behind closed doors things are massively different.

That was how my last short relationship ended up. He was lovely to begin with and in a few very short weeks things began to change.

Most folk assumed I must have had an affair and didn't understand why we had split up.

Many assumed he was the 'nice guy' and the assumption followed that I 'didn't give him a chance and obviously am the type who dates jerks'.

 

But he was only a nice guy to me in the beginning and intermittently in that relationship. He was a great actor and kept up the 'nice guy' thing exquisitely with other people.

 

Also, just for the record he was an average joe type of guy. Not a George Clooney look alike, not rich, nothing like that.

[SpiralOut]

Hey, it's a blog, its intention for it is to attract web traffic about this very topic. Not sure why she would be unhappy about it. She's purposely making her dating life public, so obviously she wants people reading it.

 

Anyhow, I think it's perfectly legitimate to question her as to the "why' she's still single by addressing the last guy she talked about in her Blog that she went out with. She never gave details as to the "why this was the first and last date" with this man, but never gave a reason. I find that would bode further questions in regards to not continuing contact with the gentleman.

 

There is a difference between reading someone's blog and discussing the topic, and picking apart the person who wrote it.

 

And I'm not sure why you are still confused about why she chooses to be single. There are many responses to this thread explaining why that might be, and the blogger in question explained herself quite well.

 

Maybe a better question to ask yourself is why do you care so much about what this woman chooses to do? Not everybody wants to date. There is nothing wrong with that.

[BeingMe]

There are many people out there (male and female) who, although open to a relationship, would rather choose to be single than be with the wrong person.

 

I'm divorcing (he cheated) and can't see myself wanting to be with anyone for some time. Not out of bitterness, or fear, or perfectionism, or commitment phobia. No. I realised that I want to work on myself (get emotionally healthy from this all), learn to be happy with my own company so that I don't become co-dependent in a future relationship, and I want to learn the signs of someone who is not as they seem, to avoid making a similar costly mistake. I do still like the idea of being in a relationship at some point, but I will be much more careful. And I would rather stay single, than settle. Settling didn't work for me.

[MissBee]

Here's a thought: maybe some people are really single by choice.

 

It seems that those people who are dying to be in a relationship can't fathom that some people may actually be fine with being single and may not want the work of a relationship, as relationships, especially marriages, aren't all carefree and sex and romance but tons of work.

 

I'm not single now but have been single by choice and have said before that both have their pros and cons. Being in a relationship, life goes on and you still have ups, downs, sad days, angry days, happy days. The world continues as usual except you now have someone else to consider and sometimes that can be more stressful. Sometimes when I'm having relationship issues I'm like ughhh when I was single I NEVER had to think about this...I miss it lol. So really it goes both ways.

 

I know two older women who were once married and said they refuse to marry or live with a man again as they enjoy their freedom. They seem genuinely happy and genuinely annoyed at the prospect of having another relationship.

 

I don't think there is anything there to determine that this woman isn't single by choice...so why think it's a "cover up"?

[Weezy1973]

Sure' date=' there's no perfect match. That doesn't mean we've got to [b']settle for less than what we want/deserve[/b] for fear of ending up alone. I'd rather end up alone than settle for less because I'm perfectly happy alone.

 

So either these women have a sense of entitlement ("what we deserve") or are treating other human beings, in this case men, like they're shopping for a product ("what we want").

Edited July 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial content redacted

[jay1983]

I think the women here are making a good argument. She doesn't have to date anybody, she can be as stuck up and snotty as she wants. It's like if I was looking for a Bentley, but could couldn't afford one on my budget. Dodge and toyota are nice cars, but not really what I'm looking for. I don't have to drive anything else, I can take the bus if I want to and keep looking for the car want. Yeah it's a little strange, but to each his own.

 

So what if she becomes the cat lady, it's not my problem.

[BlueIris]

So either these women have a sense of entitlement ("what we deserve") or are treating other human beings, in this case men, like they're shopping for a product ("what we want").

 

It sounds like you're trying to put a negative spin on that, but I think this is how all people feel- men and women.

 

I don't know anyone who dates people that they don't want to date.

 

Do you know anyone who says, "Well, so-and-so likes me so I have to date her/him" ? Or, for that matter, "I HAVE TO date or HAVE To find a partner" ?

 

I think most people choose to stay single rather than attach to someone they don't want to be with.

Edited July 20, 2014 by BlueIris

[ASG]

And those instincts have obviously served her well. They have kept her single all this time.

 

 

 

She is actively looking for a relationship partner, and has not found one. That is not single by choice.

 

 

 

That's why you don't get with the wrong ones.

 

 

 

How are so many others able to find these things?

 

 

 

Odds are, what she is looking for does not exist. That's why so many people are perpetually single.

 

 

 

Yeah, you might find someone.

 

 

 

The reason that it bothers so many men is because it's misleading. All we see is a woman putting herself out there looking for a date. We try to get to know her, ask her out, maybe see if she wants a relationship, all to find out she is "single by choice." If the women like the blogger were more up front about their expectations and intentions, fewer men would be bothered by it, because we would then know not to bother with her.

 

 

And what is it to you?

Putting herself out there doesn't mean she'll entertain every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes her way.

Imagine she IS looking for her knight in shining armor. She won't find him by hiding. So she puts herself out there, on the off chance that he might exist.

 

It's not misleading at all. She might want a relationship. Just not necessarily with you(or maybe it IS you). Most guys won't be "the one". Why is that so offensive?

Why is it so offensive that some people really ARE this picky? It's their prerogative. They are the ones who are single. And if they're not complaining about it, then who cares?!?!

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I've read some replies and her blog...all I have to say is she is single by choice and by life. 50/50

 

First, I understand if she is scared to death about marrying the wrong person. Doing it once was probably a traumatic experience to her. Marrying the wrong person at midlife will probably ruin her chances of finding someone special at 40.

 

But she is also single by other men's choice. The thing is that many men are intimidated by successful women specially if they make more money than them or have a very powerful position at a job. It makes us insecure as men because it has been taught to us that we are supposed to be the providers and protectors not some stay at home or loser schmucks. The other reason we are intimidated is this:

 

If her life is so great...what is stopping her from leaving me and finding someone else who is on her level or higher than her level. They ultimately hold much more power in a relationship and so many man just don't try because they don't want to waste their time or end up heartbroken

 

 

As a 20 year old guy...It makes me sad and happy she is single. Sad because everyone deserves someone special in our lives, specially when we have everything and we just want to share it with someone else. And happy because I have a bright future ahead of me. I'm studying to become a pharmacist and I KNOW I won't be jobless like other students with worthless degrees and also because I will make bank, even if it's not as much as her. And maybe, just maybe, if I finish in time, and she's still single, I can send a line her way

 

I mean, this woman is secure, independent, successful, has her head right on her shoulders and it looks like she has a great personality. And a big plus...her appearance is a huge turn on. Black hair :lmao: gorgeous face and nice lips...the things I'd do to her.

 

 

But men and women can be found at every corner. Hopefully when I'm successful and have my own place I will find a women like that. Hopefully we all do

[ltjg45]

My only issue is when women is expecting certain material things and achievements from men and thinking that it will make an ideal relationship.

 

When that can't be further from the truth. I have seen successful women like her find her life partner with a guy who has hardly any decent job prospects and everything in between.

 

My standards when looking for women has basically nothing to do with education and job status/wealth. Also, I am not going to school for anyone else but myself. Damn the American Dream.

 

If she thinking that finding a guy that is more successful than her to get her an ideal relationship, she is in for a rude awakening.

[Eggplant]

Her attitude doesn't offend me in any way, because I know how to recognize women like her, I know what it means, and I avoid them like the plague.

 

What she wants doesn't exist. She is taken in by some fairy tales and thinks that real life works that way...it doesn't. In reality, none of us are perfect, including her. Still, she searches for that perfect guy, so she can have that perfect relationship. She will find fault with everyone, because everyone has faults.

I haven't read her blog, but what makes you think she is misguided somehow? Suppose what she wants probably doesn't exist, and she knows that, but still is happy by herself rather than in a committed relationship with somebody else? Why does that mean she finds fault with people just because she doesn't want that lifestyle for herself?

[Eggplant]

My only issue is when women is expecting certain material things and achievements from men and thinking that it will make an ideal relationship.

 

When that can't be further from the truth. I have seen successful women like her find her life partner with a guy who has hardly any decent job prospects and everything in between.

 

My standards when looking for women has basically nothing to do with education and job status/wealth. Also, I am not going to school for anyone else but myself. Damn the American Dream.

 

If she thinking that finding a guy that is more successful than her to get her an ideal relationship, she is in for a rude awakening.

 

 

I agree in my case, at least. I could care less about material things and social status in a man. What matters is that he be hard-working. I want it as a personality trait.

[Eggplant]

Because I did read her blog. Not all of it, but the one entry that was linked at the beginning of this thread.

 

Most of the perpetually single people I know all think along the same lines, and that's what keeps them single. And that is, "what can he/she do for me?" You will see an exhaustive list of requirements to date this person, and even though they can't find anyone who meets their requirements, they refuse to give in. They say they want to be with someone, but they set standards so high that no one can reach them.

 

I think most of these standards are crap. I think they start listing impossible standards as a way to cope with the fact that they can't find anyone. It's hard to accept the fact that you may not be all that desirable, so they instead pretend that everyone else isn't good enough for them.

 

What amuses me is all the people who act like a single person being picky is somehow doing something great. Sure, it's good to be picky...if being picky is serving you well. However, to suggest that someone who is failing constantly at dating should continue to be picky is just silly.

While this might be true for some single people, it's not always. There are a significant number of people who are very happy alone, and they don't need to cope at all. It might be that somebody who met a particularly picky standard might be worth it to them, but in general, they'd rather go solo.

[guest569]

I find that most women complain, sometimes constantly, about not meeting the "perfect" (or perfect for them rather) guy when they are turning down men that are asking them out left and right.

 

There is disappointment for some in not having any success finding love, but that doesn't necessarily make someone become desperate.

 

It's like if I was looking for a Bentley, but could couldn't afford one on my budget. Dodge and toyota are nice cars, but not really what I'm looking for. I don't have to drive anything else, I can take the bus if I want to and keep looking for the car want. Yeah it's a little strange, but to each his own.

 

So what if she becomes the cat lady, it's not my problem.

 

If you were to settle on a Toyota whilst admiring or dreaming of the Bentley for the rest of your life, I would NOT envy the Toyota or want to be in her position. See what I am saying?

[irc333]

There is disappointment for some in not having any success finding love, but that doesn't necessarily make someone become desperate.

 

 

 

If you were to settle on a Toyota whilst admiring or dreaming of the Bentley for the rest of your life, I would NOT envy the Toyota or want to be in her position. See what I am saying?

 

Hell, I have a budget car, but currently dream of owning a Bentley, lol. But see, I'm grounded in reality....this is not uncommon. But, I'm realistic in that owning a Bentley will never happen and a overly picky single woman should realize this.

 

Settling isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[guest569]

Being single isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

Settling is bad if you don't want a Toyota but get one and be miserable.

[guest569]

I wouldn't want to be with a man who thinks "well, she's not very attractive and had a dreadful personality, but i cant do better and no one deserves anything, this is the reality that I must accept"

 

No, I want a man who is head over heels for me as I am for him.

[Emilia]

I wouldn't want to be with a man who thinks "well, she's not very attractive and had a dreadful personality, but i cant do better and no one deserves anything, this is the reality that I must accept"

Yeah, might as well 'this is my life, kill me now'.

[guest569]

Only reason I can think of why this bothers some guys SO much is a high number of rejections and inability to accept them. Better to say that women are just being picky and unrealistic

[irc333]

Only reason I can think of why this bothers some guys SO much is a high number of rejections and inability to accept them. Better to say that women are just being picky and unrealistic

 

Right, I suppose these single men are bothered by the fact that the reason they have been single for so long is because the single woman keep rejecting them.

 

And it doesn't even end at attraction, but men have to be wary what they do on a date. Take them on a coffee date or a chain restaurant, and you're a "cheapskate"/lake taste and thus undateable.

 

So as a man who have to watch every action you take around these overly picky women as they are attempting to LOOK for faults in order to find a reason NOT to date you. But that's a whole different topic altogether. lol.