somedude81 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Very few women don't want kids. So if the choice is never get married or marry an amazing woman who wants kids; the decision I'll make is obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Very few women don't want kids. So if the choice is never get married or marry an amazing woman who wants kids; the decision I'll make is obvious. There are women out there who want to be child free. I am sure there dating websites for people who want to be child free. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Very few women don't want kids. So if the choice is never get married or marry an amazing woman who wants kids; the decision I'll make is obvious. I know several childfree women. There are a lot of women who don't want kids. If you do OL dating, you just put no to kids in the profile and look for women who share that view. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Very few women don't want kids. So if the choice is never get married or marry an amazing woman who wants kids; the decision I'll make is obvious. Wait, what? Are you telling me this situation is hypothetical? You haven't got a GF? So all this discussion about you being the worst type of dad ever, is totally imaginary? Don't you think you should find a GF before even thinking about this? Good grief... Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Wait, what? Are you telling me this situation is hypothetical? You haven't got a GF? So all this discussion about you being the worst type of dad ever, is totally imaginary? Don't you think you should find a GF before even thinking about this? Good grief... Of course it's hypothetical. And why the hell would I be the worst dad ever just because I'm not super excited to have kids right now? Good grief Charlie Brown. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 You would never be a good dad if the children you have are not wanted by you, but a mere placatory gesture towards your wife. Both children and wife will resent you if you lie to them. So your perfect-10 woman will turn against you anyway. Besides, I don't know what age group you're in, but chances are that a woman would either already have kids/be divorced and you'd inherit a ready-made family anyway. Not bad, so long as you're prepared to play second fiddle.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 You would never be a good dad if the children you have are not wanted by you, but a mere placatory gesture towards your wife. Both children and wife will resent you if you lie to them. So your perfect-10 woman will turn against you anyway. Besides, I don't know what age group you're in, but chances are that a woman would either already have kids/be divorced and you'd inherit a ready-made family anyway. Not bad, so long as you're prepared to play second fiddle.... With all this talk about how I feel about kids, do you really think I'd actually get with a woman who already has them? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Absolutely NOT, OP. Love for a romantic partner and love for a child, your child are completely different types of love IMO. I love my son and I always tell him that my love for him is unconditional and different than any love I will ever have for an adult partner. Bottom line, loving one or the other more or less is ridiculous. You can love both equally and unconditionally - take a bullet for both - with the understanding that love for your child is not a romantic love. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 With all this talk about how I feel about kids, do you really think I'd actually get with a woman who already has them? So... you wouldn't get together with a woman who already had them - but you'd be willing to make her pregnant for her to have kids you don't want and wouldn't have ever considered having, if she didn't want them? That sounds totally screwy to me. As a woman. And as a woman, if you had kids purely and simply because I wanted them, I'd take you for whatever I could get. You do something as stupid as that, you reap the consequences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 And as a woman, if you had kids purely and simply because I wanted them, I'd take you for whatever I could get. You do something as stupid as that, you reap the consequences. Why would you do that? What SD presents is actually a fairly common reason for men to have kids. Despite the men's rights guys who go on about unfairness in custody, most custody decisions are made outside of court, and are determined by which parent actually wants the kids and spends time with them. That's generally the female. I think most females who wanted a child and their husband was indifferent but willing would be happy that the husband was willing to be accommodating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 If I were to find out that my H doesn't really either want or appreciate my kids, and has no real desire to be a dad, I'd rather be without him than expose my children to a father that merely tolerates them, but never actually wanted them. There are thousands of men out there who would give their eye-teeth to have kids. If you don't want my children, then I'll cut you loose. But you will still have to pay support, maintenance and assistance when needed. And that's your problem, not mine. You decided to follow up on this idiotic whim of "I'll give her what she wants, even though I don't want it." So reap the wild wind. Why should I bend over backwards to accommodate a man who's stupid enough to do something like this? He's the idiot, I'm not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I think it's probably more common than we'd like to think that the woman is the primary driver to have kids in a relationship, and the guy is neutral (or at best vaguely interested) and just goes along with the idea to keep her happy. I also think that the vast majority of those guys end up being good dads. Several men I know have told me that they weren't really all that interested in having kids at first, even while their wife was pregnant - until they held their first child in their arms, and at that point their life changed. Having said that, if a man actively dislikes the idea of having children (rather than just being neutral about the whole idea), or is not prepared to make the sacrifices that kids require, then no, I don't think he should have kids. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 If a guy required some thought to take a bullet for his wife, he shouldn't be married to her. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 When I was a kid, I remember asking my mother this very question. Her answer? I love your dad the most. As a kid you take a step back. What? She told me I would understand someday, that I'll "get" it and that I should be happy that my parents both truly still love each other unconditionally. All correct answers now that I am in the same position. I have two young kids. I love them to death. I would stand in front of a truck for them, just like my mom would have, and still would (by the way she still is a very loving "motherly" mother). However, I met my wife first. I love my wife unconditionally the same way I love my children. I would take a bullet for her, I would protect her, take the blame for something and no matter what at the end of the day I still love her. However, there is one thing missing with your wife that you don't have with your kids. You love your wife in a lustful way as well. You are physically and sexually attracted to your wife. That is impossible to surpass because all the little cute things that make you love your kids will make you love your wife too, but you have an added dimension with your spouse. So I love my wife more. Do you agree it should be this way? There seems to be a lot more abused and divorced spouses than there are abused and abandoned children, so I'm going to most people love their children more. I'm with the other posters. That's so apples and oranges. Link to post Share on other sites
sumathi Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The love you have for your spouse is entirely different from the love you have for your children. Your children are from you and so you are protective and caring towards them. You will do anything to make them happy. But your spouse lives for you. She shares your problems and supports you in your times of need. When your children move away to lead their own life, it is your spouse who holds your hand to say that 'I am there for you.' Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The love you have for your spouse is entirely different from the love you have for your children. Your children are from you and so you are protective and caring towards them. You will do anything to make them happy. But your spouse lives for you. She shares your problems and supports you in your times of need. When your children move away to lead their own life, it is your spouse who holds your hand to say that 'I am there for you.' Or your spouse cheats and leaves. Then it's your child that takes care of you when you get old and break a hip. Or the child sticks you in an old folks' home. Who knows, but the fact is that it's vastly more likely that your children will still have contact with you to the end of your life than your spouse. Spouses come and go - divorce statistics bear that out - children don't tend to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 When I was a kid, I remember asking my mother this very question. Her answer? I love your dad the most. As a kid you take a step back. What? She told me I would understand someday, that I'll "get" it and that I should be happy that my parents both truly still love each other unconditionally. All correct answers now that I am in the same position. I have two young kids. I love them to death. I would stand in front of a truck for them, just like my mom would have, and still would (by the way she still is a very loving "motherly" mother). However, I met my wife first. I love my wife unconditionally the same way I love my children. I would take a bullet for her, I would protect her, take the blame for something and no matter what at the end of the day I still love her. However, there is one thing missing with your wife that you don't have with your kids. You love your wife in a lustful way as well. You are physically and sexually attracted to your wife. That is impossible to surpass because all the little cute things that make you love your kids will make you love your wife too, but you have an added dimension with your spouse. So I love my wife more. Do you agree it should be this way? I don't agree at all! It's a very different kind of love. A love for ones children by a patent can not can not be compared to anything else.. Same goes for a persons love for a spouse. It's just a different kind of love. Mea :-) Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 If a guy required some thought to take a bullet for his wife, he shouldn't be married to her. i love it. first children as gifts now super macho statements (after taking the original statement out of context). back to the OP: children are part of you --- both genetically and (hopefully) parentally (you taught them about life). their love is unconditional, because they are really you. (side note --- love when BS are shocked when they tell the WS family about an A and the family sides with the WS, of course its part of being unconditionally in love). siblings are (a distant) second but while not unconditional there is a strong bond. after all you grew up with them. they are part of you as well. they should be there when times are bad. spouses are a variant. they are a roller coaster. they are higher than siblings but can 'flame out' (D) whereas your family will always be there. spouses are NEVER unconditional. don't believe me: then i guess affairs are acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 If a guy required some thought to take a bullet for his wife, he shouldn't be married to her. If a guy put some sensible and logical thought into having children, and why, the question wouldn't even arise. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I think that's ****ty that your mom answered in that way. She didn't need to tell you more or less (even if she felt it at that moment), just different. I remember being little and my mom telling me (unsolicited) that if my dad and I were both drowning, she'd save my dad. Wow. Traumatized the hell out of me. Never lay crap like that on a little kid, even if it's true. My wife and I have had some rough times. My love for my kids is certainly different than my love for my wife, as others have pointed out, but it's also "purer", if that makes any sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I remember being little and my mom telling me (unsolicited) that if my dad and I were both drowning, she'd save my dad. Wow. Traumatized the hell out of me. Never lay crap like that on a little kid, even if it's true. Wow! Why the heck lay that on a kid! What a weird thing to say... Even if - for whatever reason - she actually felt that way, why would you stuff it in a kid's face? That blows me away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Wow! Why the heck lay that on a kid! What a weird thing to say... Even if - for whatever reason - she actually felt that way, why would you stuff it in a kid's face? That blows me away. Well, mom had issues. And gave me some to sort through as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Well, mom had issues. And gave me some to sort through as well. Man, I'm so sorry to hear that... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carrie_o Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 When my ex asked me this, it was after being asked, "if a bus was coming at your wife and child, and you could only push one of them out of the way, who would it be?" My ex would have basically pushed me in front of the bus, because youre supposed to love your children more, apparently. That was his answer. I would be upset if my husband chose to save me. I've already sacrificed so much for my children, I'd gladly sacrifice my life. I'm not sure if he'd say the same... As for the original question, at this point in my life I love my kids more. I will help them no matter what and I plan on being in their lives as long as they let me. I willingly give up precious sleep for them. I spend a lot more money on them than on my husband. (Daycare costs are way too high!) My love for them is unconditional. Then again, my husband and I are having problems. Although I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I can't say I love him as much as I did just a few months ago. Maybe my answer would be different if we were ok... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I have a different love for my kids. My love for my husband is somewhat conditional, and has many different facets. Also, it's quite selfish... I love him because he does X for me, or makes me feel Y. My love for my children is very strong. I feel they are a part of me, every day, which I find quite profound. Link to post Share on other sites
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