Being a Band Aid

[MuddyRock]

Perhaps a better bandaid were if he took the effort he puts into you, into his marriage.

People lie to themselves to alleviate guilt by saying if they weren't around MM would have divorced his wife. Who really believes that? As if it is a charity to the marriage. Truth is without the distraction the MM would likely put in a little more effort. At the very least an affair takes away time he could be spending with his kids.

[Sasha1/2]

What exactly does the wife think you are to her husband?

We are stymied by this very question. She knows we are friends and colleagues. She says she likes me and she likes that I make her husband happy. There is an elephant in the room that no one will acknowledge. I will not be the one to say anything more to her.

 

Being a bandaid may help him. But what does it do to benefit your life, your future and your security?

He makes me very happy. We are best friends and we are lovers. He gives me respect, affection, conversation, touch, and sexual fulfillment that are all missing from my marriage.

 

He knows that when my marriage ends -- it could be as soon as January -- that I will need time for myself and then I may choose to look for another relationship with someone who is available.

 

We're very open and honest with each other. This relationship was started deliberately and carefully to meet the needs of two neglected/abused people.

 

Not considering the morality issues of an A...

Just for the record, I do think about this. Often. By having an affair I am at times lying. I am not a liar. That bothers me deeply and MM knows this.

 

It's not your job to keep the MM's life and family in tact..

It is my responsibility to be caring towards all children. I would never intentionally hurt a child. I love his kids.

 

especially if it is at your own expense.

I benefit emotionally from the A. I benefit like any best friend benefits from the rest of our relationship.

 

If a MM's marriage is bad it's his deal to fix and handle

They do handle their marriage as a business arangement and a loving home for their kids. "Fix"? She has decided the marriage will not be fixed. She may be in an affair, she may be a lesbian, or she may have decided she won't be emotionally or physically intimate with anyone. They've been to counselling. After two sessions, she refused to continue.

 

He has suggested that he and I go to counselling together. I am in counselling on my own.

 

Further, in the long run, would you really feel comfortable with a man who looks for bandaids and short term solutions instead of truly handing his problems?

Morality aside, I think he is handling his marriage as best he can and I respect that he's not leaving his children.

 

The problem is that if you acknowledge you're a bandaid but don't demand anything else, you've set a pretty bad precedent and if you do end up with MM

My needs are all met. I'm not sure what else to ask for. That may change when I am single.

 

allowing him to avoid his issues and just keep on keeping on because he has the soothing salve of the A.

He says that before he looked for an A -- we both looked for one, deliberately -- he worked on his issues for three years. With my encouragement he setup counselling but she refuses to go. I know if I demanded he worked on specific things he would. He seems to want to please me.

 

Truth is without the distraction the MM would likely put in a little more effort.

You may be right. For how many years should the effort continue? At what point does a couple accept that they don't have a loving marriage and instead have a good arrangement for their children?

 

At the very least an affair takes away time he could be spending with his kids.

This does not happen.

[MuddyRock]

What amount of time? Hard to say since they haven't had MC between them. I also don't see where she knows he is having an affair. She probably trusts him and doesn't want to seem like B*** for complaining he has a female friend.

Ill bet the ball would get rolling pretty quick if she actually KNEW he was having an affair. Id say if you outright told her and she doesn't care, then you are involved in an open marriage. No harm no foul there.

 

At any rate, marriage isn't all roses and sex. People take vows for better or for worse. If you cant keep the vows, leave the marriage. Over 50% of kids are from broken families. They don't all seem to be having problems.

[MuddyRock]

He never spends time with you when he could be spening time with his kids? He never spends time with you that he could be spent with his wife?

 

He never texts you when he is around his wife or kids? All of these situations cause strife in his family. His mind isn't with them at those times.

[Sasha1/2]

We get together during school hours, not when the kids are home.

 

As for texting, I used to be sure we didn't do that during family time and I'll be more careful from now on, thank you.

[wind willow]

I caution you about your emotional level of involvement. You're planning to get divorced and all your needs are being met now. But when you're on your own, if you've become too emotionally dependent on him, it's going to be hard not to want to lean on him to meet your other needs. And it will really suck when he's not able to meet them.

[daisydook]

Mike, thank you. I know that my affair is not likely to have a happy ending. I suppose that I'm really just living in the moment, somewhat selfishly, because the world outside of the affair is very painful. I'm self medicating with a healing relationship.

 

You will one day realize this is not a "healing" anything. I hope.

[notserene]

You will one day realize this is not a "healing" anything. I hope.

 

It might be good for your ego in the short term but I see nothing but problems in the future. Especially since his wife considers you a "friend."

 

Have you ever heard the expression "the light at the end of the tunnel is actually an oncoming train"?

[gettingstronger]

Oh, I feel badly that you have been twisted up in to believing what you are doing is good for anyone- I am unsure if the MM has manipulated you so much that you believe this or that you have done this on your own- either way, I hope you are able to get some clarity and see this for what it really is- not good for anyone, mostly for you-please re-read these responses and also your responses that try to explain away reason so that you can move forward and be someone that is good for you!

[MissBee]

I'm confused Sasha...

 

You pretty much have refuted everyone's point to more or less say you are happy with being a bandaid...so what do you need thoughts on exactly? I assume people make threads when they are conflicted or unsure about something and my suggestion is to be honest with yourself about what it is that bothered you enough to share here. Maybe I'm wrong, but your post to me sounded like you found comfort in that lone voice telling you being a bandaid was good so you latched on to it...despite your obvious conflict and your desire not to be in this position years and years from now, and when no one else seemed to agree you've gotten defensive and are trying to hold on even tighter to the glimmer of hope that being a bandaid is a great calling...

 

Otherwise, if you enjoy being a bandaid, all your needs are met and you feel fine about it...then enjoy the A...no need to seek outside thoughts on what you're doing.

 

Also...I'm not quite sure if the bandaid is for his entire family and spouse or just for him. You have spun it as though you are doing a great service to his children and his whole family..and for me I'm like huh, what?! I wouldn't go that far frankly, and I'm sure if his kids knew about you, they may have a very different opinion than what you think you're doing. So I'd keep that in mind. It is easy and of course beneficial for you, since you want to be with him, to rationalize about how wonderful it is for you, him and everyone and of course as the WS it is human nature that he is going to twist it into something beneficial....but I find that that line of thinking is harbored by the APs and not so much the BS and the kids, but in the A bubble, the WS and OW/OM have it all neatly tied up in their own minds...until DDAY and unfortunately when that does happen instead of wife and kids thanking OW and being so grateful...it turns into a disaster. People talk of fantasy and this is often an example, where WS and AP are thoroughly convinced in the bubble of things being so wonderful, helpful, unselfish and all these flowery things, you'd think having an A was some chosen calling only a few altruistic souls are called on to do....then reality happens when it is discovered and then you see who it really helps and what other people really think and how they really feel about it. The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say...I don't doubt you or he may think your intentions are good...but that has never stopped people from doing things that end up awful even though they thought it was something good.

 

My question is: if you are helping them, why is it only when it's a secret? How come if it's so helpful it has to be hidden and when it comes to light it's not that helpful anymore?

Edited July 19, 2014 by MissBee

[Shadowburn]

Dear Sasha, you are so delusional, it is painful to read.

 

>>He makes me very happy. We are best friends and we are lovers. He gives me respect, affection, conversation, touch, and sexual fulfillment that are all missing from my marriage.

 

How can he give any respect, if you are hidden away dirty secret? If he'd truly respected you, he'd leave you alone. There is nothing respectful in being other woman and being fed someone else's leftovers.

---------

>>We're very open and honest with each other. This relationship was started deliberately and carefully to meet the needs of two neglected/abused people.

 

He is not honest person by definition of being a cheater. If you think he is dishonest with his wife, but somehow magically he is completely honest with you - you are very much mistaken.

---------

>>Just for the record, I do think about this. Often. By having an affair I am at times lying. I am not a liar. That bothers me deeply and MM knows this.

 

Then stop all this lying and sneaking around. walk away and end this nonsense of being someone's "bandaid".

----------

>>It is my responsibility to be caring towards all children. I would never intentionally hurt a child. I love his kids.

 

You ARE hurting his kids by taking away their father. Don't think for one second that if noone knows, then noone is hurt. Think what will happen when you two will be discovered, because it's only matter of time when you will be since his wife knows you and sooner or later she will put two and two together - if you love his kids, end your affair because their world will be shattered by your selfishness.

-----------

>>I benefit emotionally from the A. I benefit like any best friend benefits from the rest of our relationship.

 

From everything you wrote about yourself, I can only see a woman with extremely low self-esteem, who is so used to being abused, disrespected and mistreated, that she think it's perfectly normal.

------------

>>They do handle their marriage as a business arangement and a loving home for their kids. "Fix"? She has decided the marriage will not be fixed. She may be in an affair, she may be a lesbian, or she may have decided she won't be emotionally or physically intimate with anyone. They've been to counselling. After two sessions, she refused to continue.

 

You are not fly on the wall and you truly have no idea what their marriage looks like behind the closed doors. He could be lying to you to justify his philandering. She very well may be attractive and sexual woman, good mother and good wife, and he just like to have some variety on a side.

--------------

>>He has suggested that he and I go to counselling together. I am in counselling on my own.

 

If your paid counselor never told you anything that people on this forum are telling you for free, you should find a new one. I'll leave alone Mr Locke's suggestion that you and him go to counseling together as it is too ridiculous to even comment.

-----------------

>>My needs are all met. I'm not sure what else to ask for. That may change when I am single.

 

Again, low self esteem doesn't let you to even see how your needs are completely ignored here.

I am not sure why exactly you posted - I'd take a guess that deep inside you feel that something is not right and looking for justification to continue your affair from people who BTDT.

I'd offer you this: Please end it with this Mister Wonderful who clearly can do no wrong. There are thousands stories on this forum just like yours, and they all end badly. I can absolutely guarantee you - the second you'll be discovered by his wife, Mr Locke the Great will throw you under the bus and will run back to his neglectful abusive wife with his tail between his legs. His kids whom you claim to love, will be devastated. Your husband may divorce you and punish you financially.

Stop wasting your time serving as someone's "bandaid". Figure out your own marriage - whether it's fixable or not. If it's not, then get divorce and find someone who will treat you with love, dignity and TRUE respect - who will make you his queen, not a bandaid.

 

Hug and kisses, Sasha.

[Hope Shimmers]

Just for the record, I do think about this. Often. By having an affair I am at times lying. I am not a liar. That bothers me deeply and MM knows this.

 

Well, except that you ARE lying. And by definition, that makes you a liar. Perhaps you weren't a liar before, but you are now. (Not trying to be mean; just trying to point out what seems to be a fact).

 

I have to agree with Miss Bee. Despite that long post you made basically disputing anything and everything that was said to you, there is a reason you started a thread here, and I have to believe that it's because you really aren't happy at some level, whether you admit it or not. In fact, after reading your original post, it says that you are concerned that you will be doing this for the next TEN years. Wow. Who wants to be a "band-aid" for ten YEARS to keep someone else's marriage intact!

[MissBee]

Unless you are codependent where you live to enable another person, no emotionally healthy person with high self-worth will admit to being a bandaid and actually be content with this position.

[HermioneG]

Unless you are codependent where you live to enable another person, no emotionally healthy person with high self-worth will admit to being a bandaid and actually be content with this position.

 

This bears repeating.

[Sasha1/2]

How come if it's so helpful it has to be hidden and when it comes to light it's not that helpful anymore?

This is a good question.

 

Some of his friends think it is wrong for a man and a woman to be friends. His wife and my husband are ok with opposite sex friendships. We are open about our friendship. The romantic aspects of our relationship are hidden.

 

My self-worth comes, in a big part part, from the quality of my relationships.

 

How can he give any respect, if you are hidden away dirty secret?

I am not a dirty secret. He shows me off as a trusted friend and colleague, often including me in social and professional activities. He lets them know he’s proud to be my friend.

 

He is not honest person by definition of being a cheater.

Neither am I. It is a moral dilemma for me.

 

their world will be shattered by your selfishness.

You are right. I am selfish. They will be shattered.

 

 

 

Aside from the love of family and friends, I do not know how to heal from grief, loss, and abuse. Because my family is suffering, too, I don't have their support. I need help. My world is in pieces.

[woinlove]

This is a good question.

 

Some of his friends think it is wrong for a man and a woman to be friends. His wife and my husband are ok with opposite sex friendships. We are open about our friendship. The romantic aspects of our relationship are hidden.

 

My self-worth comes, in a big part part, from the quality of my relationships.

 

 

I am not a dirty secret. He shows me off as a trusted friend and colleague, often including me in social and professional activities. He lets them know he’s proud to be my friend.

 

 

Neither am I. It is a moral dilemma for me.

 

 

You are right. I am selfish. They will be shattered.

 

 

 

Aside from the love of family and friends, I do not know how to heal from grief, loss, and abuse. Because my family is suffering, too, I don't have their support. I need help. My world is in pieces.

 

Much pain and conflict comes through your post, captured in your statement that your world is in pieces. You deserve a friend who is proud of all of your relationship and what you mean to him, not just proud of some pieces of it as if your relationship could be chopped into different segments that don't weave together into a wonderful whole.

 

I hope you get the help you needed. If you don't know what kinds of counselling are available to you, talking to a doctor could give you a place to start.

[Sasha1/2]

Thank you. I am in counselling. I lost many loved ones. Locke sits with me, listens to me, lets me cry or laugh. He holds me.

[2sunny]

My self-worth comes, in a big part part, from the quality of my relationships

 

 

Self worth comes from within/self.

 

 

What you are referring to is called codependency - which is very unhealthy and very unbalanced.

[MissBee]

This is a good question.

 

Some of his friends think it is wrong for a man and a woman to be friends. His wife and my husband are ok with opposite sex friendships. We are open about our friendship. The romantic aspects of our relationship are hidden.

 

My self-worth comes, in a big part part, from the quality of my relationships.

 

 

I am not a dirty secret. He shows me off as a trusted friend and colleague, often including me in social and professional activities. He lets them know he’s proud to be my friend.

 

 

Neither am I. It is a moral dilemma for me.

 

 

You are right. I am selfish. They will be shattered.

 

 

 

Aside from the love of family and friends, I do not know how to heal from grief, loss, and abuse. Because my family is suffering, too, I don't have their support. I need help. My world is in pieces.

 

Sasha,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Have you ever seen someone about this? I understand that we all try to cope the best we can, but obviously coping is that, coping. It often includes improvising, temporary fixes and things that "do the job for now" but aren't always healthiest or sustainable. Some cope with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships (even unhealthy ones just so that they have something to distract themselves with) etc.

 

Also, you are having an affair. You're not just platonic friends. So I find it odd that you're downplaying that aspect and saying he shows you off as a friend and some of his friends have problems with opposite sex friendships hence the secret...when the big elephant in the room is hardly "friends" but the affair aspect.

[georgia girl]

Sasha,

 

 

I have to jump in here and challenge your notion that you would never hurt his kids (or your own for that matter). I was the kid in Dad's affair. I can tell you quite honestly that it will not only hurt them, it will devastate them.

 

 

When I found out about my father's affair, I was young enough not to really understand and old enough to realize that my family was being blown apart. I was creeped out by my dad. No kid wants to think of their parents having sex but to realize that your own father would destroy your family using sex is just plain gross. No other way around it.

 

 

I also totally hated my father's other woman. It turned out, I had a right to. She did some awful things personally to me and to my siblings as well as my mother. To this day, the mere thought of her actually makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

I was humiliated, too. I was afraid my school friends would find out. My whole world was rocked. Financially, a divorce meant moving, losing my friends, leaving our house, less family resources and dad - even though I was angry with him - not around anymore. I hated seeing my mom cry and hated even more being totally sad and angry and feeling like I couldn't be a kid anymore.

 

 

My point is that kids don't understand. They just want their family intact. They don't want mom or dad hurt and they don't want the spectre of you in their lives.

 

 

While I try to be very empathetic to any woman as she navigates the stresses and challenges of her relationship, I will chime in negatively when I hear an other woman talk about how wonderful of a father their partner is or how it isn't hurting the children. I can tell you that when I very accidently learned of my father's affair - which was after my parents decided to reconcile - I thought back to every single moment he wasn't there, every single time I didn't have his full attention and every single time there was tension in the house and I realized quite quickly that those were the times when the affair crept in. He wasn't a good dad then. And he was an absolute horrible father the moment I found out what he had done to our family.

 

 

Through a lot of trials and hard work, I now have a great relationship with my father. My parents are reconciled and life is really, really good. But there will always be those empty years that we can't replace. I don't dwell on them, so it's all good. But please don't delude yourself. Affairs are horrible on kids.

 

 

Sorry, GG

[Sasha1/2]

Knowing I might inflict pain on Locke’s family if we were discovered, I ended our affair yesterday. We both cried, but we didn’t kiss or hug each other. Our friendship and professional relationship may remain intact if we don’t cross the line again. From now on our relationship will be what the world thinks it is.

[Shadowburn]

Knowing I might inflict pain on Locke’s family if we were discovered, I ended our affair yesterday. We both cried, but we didn’t kiss or hug each other. Our friendship and professional relationship may remain intact if we don’t cross the line again. From now on our relationship will be what the world thinks it is.

 

You did THE RIGHT THING. You'll be hurt, and you will miss him, and you will cry. But know in your heart of hearts, you did what was best for everyone involved. Congratulations on getting you life and dignity back.

[Popsicle]

Once you become single and free to date others you will never agree to wait 10 years for this man. MOW agree to do stuff like that (wait that long) because they are, too, married. What else have they got to do?

[Sasha1/2]

I have decided to be a friend of XMM's family. They all like me and my H. The truth is, XMM wasn't exaggerating about how terribly BW treats him. She's a *itch. She has started confiding that she's been miserable since her second child arrived. I've suggested talking to her doctor and seeing a counsellor.

[eleanorrigby]

I have decided to be a friend of XMM's family. They all like me and my H. The truth is, XMM wasn't exaggerating about how terribly BW treats him. She's a *itch. She has started confiding that she's been miserable since her second child arrived. I've suggested talking to her doctor and seeing a counsellor.

 

I think you should stay out of that families business.