HereNorThere Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Yup, most healthy people would just beat them to the punch. Life is too short to be wasting time with the wrong person. Think of all the years you could have with a good, loving person. Wow, I'm surprised people brought up financial stuff. The economy must be really bad if people are staying in miserable marriages just to save on rent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldshirt Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 This is my plan though probably not 18. Maybe 8-10. My youngest is 3. So maybe sucking up five years. My husband thinks our life is perfect so its getting old for me. Talking in circles and feeling this way. Its not like it would be a surprise. He knows I am unhappy but expects me to get over it. So I do my own thing and have learned to deal with it all on my own. Living as if my relationship is casual and biding my time. I know it would be better for my kids in some ways to leave now. But then living on the streets is not a great idea either. So you are using him for housing and food on the table and letting him live under deception and a lie? This is what I am talking about in this post. What would you do if you found out your spouse was doing like Cococbel and living a lie and biding their time for several years until the kids reached a certain age and then were going to be gone one day? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 My ex and I talked about divorce for a long time, intending to wait until our son went to college. However, things just deteriorated further over the next year, so I told her that I wasn't going to wait four more years. We worked out a timetable of about 6 months, made one last ditch effort at counselling (which of course failed, but we had to try), and parted pretty amicably per plan. My only regret is that I didn't do this many years sooner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 can we agree a loving two parent family is ideal for children. and many put their children ahead of about everything else. and if so why would a parent not put aside their short-term happiness for the long-term happiness of their offspring? persons 'act' all the time. exhibit A - this board is riddled with 'i did not know'. further the reality is W (post D) will be poorer and live under more stress. stress driven higher after a 'fun' weekend with dad. and i am not buying all these 'he/she is out if i find out'. the separation section is filled with 'deal breakers' that are quickly forgotten when faced for real. BTW i agree if the 'acting' spouse can not pull it off (by fighting or being mean) then D is a wiser course. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Yup, most healthy people would just beat them to the punch. Life is too short to be wasting time with the wrong person. Think of all the years you could have with a good, loving person. Wow, I'm surprised people brought up financial stuff. The economy must be really bad if people are staying in miserable marriages just to save on rent. Sorry, but no, you're not "wasting time" in an unloving relationship, if your doing so is providing a stable environment for your children. Not everybody gets the fairy-tale ending. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cococbel Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) So you are using him for housing and food on the table and letting him live under deception and a lie? This is what I am talking about in this post. What would you do if you found out your spouse was doing like Cococbel and living a lie and biding their time for several years until the kids reached a certain age and then were going to be gone one day? A lie? He is aware but doesn't care. FTR - I spend all my money on food, clothes for the kids and very often bills and rent. My husband has a low income and can barely afford rent and bills, you could say he is using me too. Edited July 25, 2014 by Cococbel Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Honestly, It would depend. I have been through rocky separations already. And sudden financial and emotional shifts. I am not interested in putting my family through that again. Especially my daughter. If I found out about the 18 year old plan, I would plan my own exit. And, honestly, I would improve myself as much as I could, check out my options and make the transition to single-hood as smooth for myself and my daughter. I wouldn't just pull the pin, but I wouldn't hang around for another 13 years either. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 When me and my ex split... You know in the beginning where all your friends ask you "what happened" and wanna get together with you?....its funny what something like a split reveals to you about your friend's "perfect marriages".... One buddy of mine...successful guy, lots of assets....told me in one of those get togethers..... "once the kids turn 18, I'm leaving her" lol...told me why.....I totally get it....and he was serious, he even told me of "fail-safes" and preparations he has already put in place. His kids were like 6 and 8 so hes got a ways to go Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I'd be pretty crushed if I found out he was going to leave. Since I'm a SAHM, I'd work on getting myself to a place where I could support myself financially, and also start putting $$ off to the side. And yes, I'd try to work on our relationship too. But, if he was done and not willing to work, I'd leave. I'd probably be an unbearable bitch after knowing that. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) All at the expense of an unknowing husband? You aren't doing children any favors by showing them they can just deceive and use people to get what you want from them. The premise was, if you learned that your spouse planned to do that. So in effect, we are talking about a situation where both parties are aware of what is going on. But to your point, showing them they can put personal satisfaction ahead of duty and responsibility is not doing them a favor either. It's a tough decision either way though and really depends a lot on the rest of the situation. Edited July 28, 2014 by Turtles Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 The premise was, if you learned that your spouse planned to do that. So in effect, we are talking about a situation where both parties are aware of what is going on. But to your point, showing them they can put personal satisfaction ahead of duty and responsibility is not doing them a favor either. It's a tough decision either way though and really depends a lot on the rest of the situation. What about integrity vs living a lie. If pretending to be a happy family until the last child is off to college is okay then so is cheating. Both are based on decieving the children and in both cases the children will more than likely find out. And in the case of waiting to he empty nesters the kids will one day learn that not only was their childhood a lie it was also their fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Why can't you be a happy family, without riding blissfully into the sunset with your beloved soul mate every evening? Why does it make their childhood a lie? The nature and extent of their parents romantic life, is really none of their business. And cheating is based on deceiving your spouse, not the children. Again, the children don't need to be involved in your romantic life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 What about integrity vs living a lie. If pretending to be a happy family until the last child is off to college is okay then so is cheating. Both are based on decieving the children and in both cases the children will more than likely find out. And in the case of waiting to he empty nesters the kids will one day learn that not only was their childhood a lie it was also their fault. My parents did this. They stayed together until we kids had grown, then split. I was angry that they'd made us wait, and denied us a shot at a happy childhood. My brother - the youngest - was gutted, felt it was his fault somehow. It did us no favours. I'm the only one who didn't go on to a life of drugs, crime and prison. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 My parents did this. They stayed together until we kids had grown, then split. I was angry that they'd made us wait, and denied us a shot at a happy childhood... you do not know that, no one does. life is what you make of it, hindsight is 20/20 so regret will always be there, its what you do going forward that determines YOUR happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
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