saving himself!!!

[almond]

As far as tit for tat, it's not my thing, but again, to each his own. When you are part of an affair you have so many things at your disposal to wound the BS. If you use them is up to you, but I wouldn't feel good about it I don't think. I am content with knowing what I know and if the BS is delusional, it doesn't hurt me at all, so I choose to just let it be. Whatever the BS chooses to do is on them regardless what they are presented with - as it is with every human being. But what you choose to do is on you - there are no take backs in real life and you have to do what you can live with and sleep peacefully at night with.

 

I feel good about the fact that no matter what the BS did in my situation that I didn't open fire on her in return. I could have, I had that power, but even though it might have felt good for a minute to hurt her (as the BS in your situation seems to have found pleasure in doing), it's short lasting I would think. Just knowing that I could have made her miserable with only 1/10th of what I have at my disposal is enough, I don't have to exercise my power to know that I have it. Like I said, whatever she thinks doesn't affect me in the least, so I choose to be the better person, the more mature person. Of course, she didn't have anything that could truly hurt me, so it is a bit different, but she tried. I held my tongue, kept the pictures and texts and pillow talk to myself, and moved on. The end result of that is that people respect me and they don't respect her, and I didn't do a thing to cause that, she did.

 

This would be a very decent post if you weren't the one having sex with her husband behind her back. In context, this post seems a little silly - you're hardly looking at the big picture here.

 

It's all well and good to talk about how you are the "better person" as you didn't react in the way she did, however, you two were hardly on an even playing field, were you? People in great pain act irrationally and out of character. I'd hold off on judging her based on her actions after she found out about the affair, and perhaps take yourself down a peg - you're not the "better person" here by any stretch.

 

I do not mean to offend at all, just my observation.

[AmyBamy]

This would be a very decent post if you weren't the one having sex with her husband behind her back. In context, this post seems a little silly - you're hardly looking at the big picture here.

 

It's all well and good to talk about how you are the "better person" as you didn't react in the way she did, however, you two were hardly on an even playing field, were you? People in great pain act irrationally and out of character. I'd hold off on judging her based on her actions after she found out about the affair, and perhaps take yourself down a peg - you're not the "better person" here by any stretch.

 

I do not mean to offend at all, just my observation.

 

Considering I wasn't doing anything behind her back since I didn't even know that she existed, I would consider us equals - until she acted crazy. It's not out of her character, or she wouldn't do it. Why didn't I react that way about her when I found out? Because it's NOT in my character.

[AmyBamy]

I see all 3 sides of the affair,everyone gets hurt the bs,the ow/om and yes the ws,i have read your back story,and if I remember correctly you were at one time a bs,but you seem to lack any sympathy for any bs,and you can read my back story I don't blame anyone but my ws,but come on my xws loves me,and how do I know cause ive knownd him for over 20 years.

 

 

I think some mm,do love their ap,but some realze that it was just a fantasy,so it does go both ways

 

I have sympathy/empathy for BSs that recognize their part in the breakdown of the marriage and who handle the adversity of an affair with maturity. I'm not saying all of any group always or never do anything. I'm speaking in generalizations simply to simplify for an online message board.

 

Your last sentence, saying that affairs are fantasy, is something that you might believe, but isn't proven to be true, and it seems to lack understanding of the relationships that affairs actually consist of. Many APs have known each other for 20 years, marriage doesn't own time or investment.

 

My point is simply that it would be harder for me to believe that a WS loves a spouse that they cheat on than to believe that they love the person that they choose to cheat with. I don't think that's a silly statement at all.

[Bootsie]

Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you.

My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!)

He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to.

We had an affair for 3 years!

Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage!

 

why did the BS send you that text? If I received that I would have followed up with texts from HIM disputing otherwise, assuming there were any.

 

 

My opinion is the type of man who does this to an OW is generally the type of man who did it first to his BW. In other words he probably badmouthed his wife first to the OW, and told the OW how horrible his wife is.

 

 

To me this says more about the man himself rather than the truth or otherwise of the actual comments made. Just because he said bad things about the wife first, doesn't make them more true, than bad things he subsequently said about the OW.

 

 

On the other hand if he never said a bad thing about his wife but is doing it to the OW, could this mean he actually believes what he's saying about the OW?

[Star2880]

You make so little mention of your husband in you threads, what are your plans with your own marriage?

 

I am sure I have spoken about this in other thread with you...

Well I am currently not living with my H but we try weekly to spend time together sometimes with our daughter, other times just us. The problem is I just don't feel anything like I used to. He is very affectionate and I find it very hard to reciprocate.

[waterwoman]

I am not an OW but I was one once (or sorts). He never said anything unkind about his gf - she rarely came up in conversation but when she did he was always respectful. I don't know what he said or thought about me after the end of it because I had total NC with him.

 

H tells me he was the same - he didn't say anything unkind about me to OW, in fact he told her that he loved me and how he couldn't imagine being without me. Yes, I am aware he might have been lying, a nasty little proviso that I never needed to consider before, but I think it's unlikely. And he never said anything unkind about her either - even when I really really wanted him to . He was always calm and respectful about her. If he hadn't been I'd have been (with hindsight) upset with him.

[Snowflower]

My opinion is the type of man who does this to an OW is generally the type of man who did it first to his BW. In other words he probably badmouthed his wife first to the OW, and told the OW how horrible his wife is.

 

 

To me this says more about the man himself rather than the truth or otherwise of the actual comments made. Just because he said bad things about the wife first, doesn't make them more true, than bad things he subsequently said about the OW.

 

 

On the other hand if he never said a bad thing about his wife but is doing it to the OW, could this mean he actually believes what he's saying about the OW?

 

Yes, I agree^^^

 

I think before either the BW or the OW gets too "smug" about what nasty things are being said about the other woman in the triangle, they should probably consider that their lovely "man" was saying nasty things about them.

[almond]

Considering I wasn't doing anything behind her back since I didn't even know that she existed, I would consider us equals - until she acted crazy.

 

I see...I wasn't aware that you didn't know that she existed. My point still stands - you are in no position to judge her. She just found out that her husband and supposed life partner was having an affair behind her back. With you. She was understandably very hurt, and likely did not know who to believe. She lashed out and broke under the stress. You can believe that you are somehow better than this woman if it makes you feel good, but the fact is, you are judging her based solely on her actions during a time that she was seriously hurting and confused. Hardly seems fair to make statements about a person's worth based on brief interactions with them, right after they've found out you have been sleeping with their husband.

 

In my opinion, a "better" person would reserve judgement, not gain satisfaction by passing judgement and considering yourself somehow better than they are. Many of your statements came across as quite nasty to be honest, in particular the ones where you stated that you had the power to hurt her, but just knowing that you could do that was enough for you.

 

I just generally take issue with people judging others under these types of circumstances. I mean, you don't even know the person!

 

It's not out of her character, or she wouldn't do it. Why didn't I react that way about her when I found out? Because it's NOT in my character.

 

I don't think you are understanding what I said. I'll repeat it for you:

 

"People in great pain act irrationally and out of character."

 

Your statement that I quoted above makes no sense at all.

 

Anyway, I'm not here to argue or offend - I was merely sharing my thoughts for you to consider. If you choose to disregard, then this is fine - just thought some insight might be useful for you.

 

Have a nice day

Edited July 15, 2014 by almond

[MissBee]

That is so sad that he felt like he had to lie so much to salvage something he obviously didn't respect much anyway. No, I did not have that experience, and I'm thankful that I did not. In fact, part of the reason exMMs ex wife went nutty was that she knew he loved me and couldn't handle that. And I'm sure that if he had said anything mean about me she would have broken her neck to share that with me with joy. I call this the "saving the marriage fog". Where the MM is so freaked out about losing his kids, his house, his money, his status quo that he becomes desperate to put it all back in line. They come out of that fog eventually and realize that in saving all of those things it also means that they have to go back to that stale relationship that wasn't working and their heads clear and they let it go. This is a knee jerk reaction, it will pass and he will come to his senses when he can see clearly after that fog lifts.

 

Unfortunately, it seems like most MM do not come out of their "marriage fog" and come to their senses and then choose to be with their OW...look around. Your theory is hopeful but doesn't seem to play out in most cases. I don't personally care to argue who the MM loves more...but look at what he ultimately chooses to do. MOST MM do not ultimately choose their OW....fact. So I don't see the point of believing that a MM will "come to his senses"....many return to rekindle the secret affair but not to declare loudly and proudly that they love the OW and do the right thing. So I really find it sad that any woman would cherish the "love" of such a coward....I guess I have different standards for what love is and means to me.

 

In any event if a man chose to say all that about me to "save himself" I'm not sure I could overlook it...I'm almost sure I could not actually. And it tells exactly what kind of person he is...as not every MM goes that route, and a MM still has a choice about just how many heinous lies he wants to tell, so the ones who do are especially cowardly. It seems like you're trying to normalize his response as something OW should take in stride and downplay but I worry about the dangers of accepting a man saying "he hates you" and blames you for preventing him from loving his wife etc. to save himself....I mean sorry...this should not be something made normal and again NOT every MM does this and a woman with self worth would not allow a man to say this about her and then wait it out and embrace him later after he has saved himself....that's called being desperate for a fraction of a relationship that you will allow a man to throw you under the bus and then come back for more of the secret affair...as it's not like in most of these cases the MM does this initially and then "comes out of the fog" and divorces when he sees the light. He may come back for more secret affair and if another dday ensues, rinse and repeat, but the "marriage fog" doesn't lift and he divorces and goes on to OPENLY love the OW. So again...I don't see really what is the big benefit in your theory if it doesn't amount to any kind of BRAVE OPEN declaration and further actions but he said all that garbage and horrible stuff about you...and never ever clears your name so to speak but comes back for more affair. What's the point Amy? Truly...

 

In my own A, we didn't have a dday and I didn't experience any of what the OP asked. But if I did and he resorted to saying he hates me and I prevented him from loving her... NO way would I wait for him to supposedly come to his senses. Likewise if I were a BS and my spouse said stuff like that about he hates me and I prevented him from this and that and he didn't even like me and I saw it...not sure we could reconcile, in fact NOPE no wya. My exAP never said a bad word about his SO and could own his choice for the A by himself, while the A was still wrong, his character showed that he didn't need to denigrate her or blame her for anything and he respected her enough to keep her private business and name out of it. I believe if there were a dday he'd also own his choice without making up extravagant stuff about how much he hates me and how I prevented him loving her...wtf....if a man says that to you I suggest you take it for what it is and move forward WITHOUT him and don't hold on to false hope that he will "come to his senses." It shows just the kind of person he is. One can maybe downplay the A but for a man to go to those lengths it shows exactly how he is as he didn't have to say all of that.

 

Also, it seems as though you are making it seem like a general fact that EVERY A is where the MM abhors his BS and is suffering in his marriage and so on and so forth and is thoroughly in love with the OW...reality: this is not EVERY affair and chances are not even the most common type based on what normally happens. Most may be lazy to confront issues, bored, , have poor boundaries so crossed the line or whatever else but never wanted to divorce and were not ever suffering and like some regular relationships where the person may enjoy the other person but never truly be in love...As can the same thing...but you paint it as though EVERY or most As are a case of "true love" when reality paints a different picture. In my own A...he was never suffering, never hated her, they didn't even live together most of the time, so he had lots of freedom and he still said he loved her and loved me too....that was the reality of my A. And it seems in lots of As that is more of the truth...most As are NOT exit affairs where the MM has an affair before leaving a dead marriage but one where they seem to actually still care about their wives and even love her and never planned on divorce. So I'd also tell OW this reality instead of filling their heads with a one-sided view of an A as this always "true love" situation.

 

MM have choices....don't be fooled and don't think otherwise. What they choose to do and HOW they choose to do it (more importantly) says a lot and I would suggest if you're gonna be with a MM at least demand the highest respect as much as possible and don't normalize him deeply hurting you or lying about you and on you and blaming you. As are damaging often BUT I do think a man who is truly decent and "found himself" in it and who loves you and is not a coward will find a way to prove that and leave and do right by BOTH his wife and you....anything less is simply a mirror showing his character.

Edited July 15, 2014 by MissBee

[snappytomcat]

I have sympathy/empathy for BSs that recognize their part in the breakdown of the marriage and who handle the adversity of an affair with maturity. I'm not saying all of any group always or never do anything. I'm speaking in generalizations simply to simplify for an online message board.

 

Your last sentence, saying that affairs are fantasy, is something that you might believe, but isn't proven to be true, and it seems to lack understanding of the relationships that affairs actually consist of. Many APs have known each other for 20 years, marriage doesn't own time or investment.

 

My point is simply that it would be harder for me to believe that a WS loves a spouse that they cheat on than to believe that they love the person that they choose to cheat with. I don't think that's a silly statement at all.

well both my xws,and the xow have said it was a fantasy world they were living in,and the xow just told me this about 2 months ago,approx,a year since dday,i had a long talk with her,and she said now that she things clearly,it was all just a fantasy,an escape from her boring life,her words not mine,and my husband has said many times,he was like an addict living in a fantasy world

[georgia girl]

Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you.

My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!)

He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to.

We had an affair for 3 years!

Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage!

 

Star,

 

Just my opinion but I don't think this is ever okay - but I do think this gives you some excellent insight into his personality. Remember: integrity is what you exhibit when no one is watching. Your partner had a reasonable assumption that you would never find out what he said/did. But you have and he can't undo your knowledge.

 

I think you have to decide how to handle it from here. My only advice is for you to decide - regardless of him - what you will and will not tolerate. If this is not okay with you, he needs to know, he needs to come up with a plan to make amends and you get to decide if it's enough for you. If you are okay with it - one poster likened it to a "heat of the moment" thing, then don't mention it to him while for me, his actions and words would be a deal breaker, that is not my call to make.

 

Good luck. GG

[wind willow]

Three things.

 

1 - Do you have any confirmation that he actually said those things about you? Even if it's a forwarded text, she could have used his phone to send it to herself then send it on to you.

 

2 - Whether it is his words or her fabrication, her feeling a need to send it to you shows she's still insecure about her relationship. Even if he is bad mouthing you and showering her with praise and affection, her actions have given away that even she doesn't believe it's genuine.

 

3 - Take the high road and forget about both of them. Both of them chose to stay in a relationship that neither are happy in. Pity them, block contact from them, and move on with your life.

[Raena]

Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you.

My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!)

He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to.

We had an affair for 3 years!

Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage!

 

My ex didn't got to horrible depths in throwing his affair partner under the bus to salvage our relationship. I'm not sure WHY he did it, but he painted her in this awful, awful light even though he knew without a doubt that I was never going to take him back. Even went so far as to say some of the very same things you've written above... he didn't love her, never loved her, only wanted her for sex, she's a drug addict, she threw herself at him and wouldn't leave him alone, she's the reason he was in so much pain, she's the reason our relationship failed...blah, blah, blah.

 

Idiots who cheat don't just say those things to try and salvage the relationship. Sometimes they say them because... well... they are idiots. Plain and simple.

[AmyBamy]

Three things.

 

1 - Do you have any confirmation that he actually said those things about you? Even if it's a forwarded text, she could have used his phone to send it to herself then send it on to you.

 

2 - Whether it is his words or her fabrication, her feeling a need to send it to you shows she's still insecure about her relationship. Even if he is bad mouthing you and showering her with praise and affection, her actions have given away that even she doesn't believe it's genuine.

 

3 - Take the high road and forget about both of them. Both of them chose to stay in a relationship that neither are happy in. Pity them, block contact from them, and move on with your life.

 

I think that you make great points here. And yeah, pity for those that stay in relationships like that, and tons of it, but no need to become part of the misery. Well said.

[bambiwboone]

My exap did the same thing. It got worse every dday. At first it was " I could never want her"...then....he would speak very nasty to me the last time, " go f yourself you sick B word." This past time it was, " you are a crazy manipulate C word, who is ugly as **** and I could never want you"

 

 

It hurts. You feel like it's a stranger, the complete opposite of what you came to know in your alone time. It is a kick in the gut for sure.

 

 

But you know what, it kills them to do it to. When they behave that way they give there selves no closure. Eventually they start to get a conscious and contact you once again....

 

 

A mess. I'm sorry you are going through this. It just happened to me as well not to long ago.

 

 

Have any OW had their AP absolutely destroy them by the words they said to their wives about you.

My exAP said the most hateful things about me in a text to his wife who temporarily left him after DDay. ( She sent me the text!)

He said that he never loved me, he didn't even like me, that In fact he hated me and I had stopped him loving her the way he wanted to.

We had an affair for 3 years!

Just interested to know if others have had their ExAP go to horrible depths to salvage their marriage!

[bambiwboone]

After my exap pulled this stunt I actually sent his wife 500 pages of messages from him. Completely contradicting himself. Saying how attractive I was. How much he had missed me. She refused to read them. Said she had no interest in our conversation, I was crazy and manipulative and she believed him. SMH

 

 

I totally have enough ammo to sink his whole ship after him demanding that I delete everything. But I do not want to rise to this game.

It has been 7ms since DDay and 5ms NC - we worked together and he write me letters apologising for everything and would leave them on my car! He would wait to see that I read them, then drive off! He was a coward!

I kept trying to contact him for about a month after he left work but he has never contacted back!

[Star2880]

My exap did the same thing. It got worse every dday. At first it was " I could never want her"...then....he would speak very nasty to me the last time, " go f yourself you sick B word." This past time it was, " you are a crazy manipulate C word, who is ugly as **** and I could never want you"

 

 

It hurts. You feel like it's a stranger, the complete opposite of what you came to know in your alone time. It is a kick in the gut for sure.

 

 

But you know what, it kills them to do it to. When they behave that way they give there selves no closure. Eventually they start to get a conscious and contact you once again....

 

 

A mess. I'm sorry you are going through this. It just happened to me as well not to long ago.

 

You are totally right. It is like they are a stranger to you. Like that have an alternate personality that can express itself in such a horrible heartbreaking way!

[Star2880]

After my exap pulled this stunt I actually sent his wife 500 pages of messages from him. Completely contradicting himself. Saying how attractive I was. How much he had missed me. She refused to read them. Said she had no interest in our conversation, I was crazy and manipulative and she believed him. SMH

 

I was very tempted to send her all the emails and texts but decided against it. I just didn't want to rise to it all! I find it hard to understand why the WS goes full blown for the OW/OM. When my bf cheated way back, all I remember is screaming at him for months on end.