Not sharing each others' passions: deal breaker?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Based on all your posts, OP, IMO the two of you are just not compatible. This goes way beyond a couple who just have different hobbies. He's basically telling you that his band is going to take the majority of his free time, you will come in after his band, and you can take it or leave it. And your concerns about lack of stable income are valid, especially if you plan on having kids (which it sounds like you are).

 

Frankly, even though my SO and I share some hobbies, if he told me he was going to spend the next 3 weekends doing those hobbies and I had no say in it except as to whether I want to join him or not... I wouldn't be too happy. I'm fine with a man prioritizing his career. I'm not fine with a man prioritizing his hobbies over me - and yes, if he isn't making enough to live on, it's a hobby. It sounds like you are much the same.

 

Thanks. This basically sums up my feelings on the matter. In my book, it is a hobby until it pays the bills (I understand some people may think differently). The ways believe he views it is that it's his passion- more than a hobby, and more rewarding/ fulfilling (and thereby in a way more important) than the "real" job- but probably not something that will ever pay the bills. In the absence of children/ other commitments (including a greater level responsibility at work) this attitude is feasible, but I think most people simply don't have the luxury to value an extracurricular this highly.

 

What I have noticed over the span of this thread is that I get very defensive when someone implies I am seeking someone who is committed to the 9-5. I don't think anyone here has meant that in a negative way, so I am not sure why that is. I guess I have spent enough time within the slice of society that looks down on the pursuit of money. But, I don't think I need to apologize for valuing financial stability over pursuit of passion in my own life. (Actually, my goal is to reconcile the two by having a career that incorporates some of my passions.)

 

It's not that I believe prioritizing financial stability is the right choice for everyone, but it's a choice I have made for myself on the behalf of my future children, and I want a partner who is on the same page with that.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I have decided I am going to I've him the benefit of the doubt, and attempt to have a conversation about this when we have some free time.

 

My feelings are this. I am able to be supportive... To a point. If he really is attempting to make a career out of this and intends to continue prioritizing it as such... I can't stick around. It is not what I want for my life.

 

If he views it as a time-intensive hobby, I want to have more say in terms of which gigs he's committing to, since I probably don't want to go, but also dont think it's fair that I spend every weekend alone.

 

Does that sound like a recipe for a breakup? Probably. But if he wants someone who "gets" it more than i do, he should probably date a musician...

[jackslife]

I think there has been some very good advice on hear so I won't over egg the pudding.

 

My thoughts are would you be happy being where you are now in 5 years time? If not then how about 2 years or 3?

 

A guy I went to school with played in a band when he was 18 and still does now at 50. He's excellent and so are the band. But he has a career/job because the band doesn't pay the money he needs for mortgage, bills etc. It pays pin money.

 

He loves playing, loves the band, loves his life and makes some cash on the side. Mind you he's never been married and doesn't have children so make of that what you will.

 

Hope it all works out for you.

Edited July 15, 2014 by jackslife
grammar

[Els]

I have decided I am going to I've him the benefit of the doubt, and attempt to have a conversation about this when we have some free time.

 

My feelings are this. I am able to be supportive... To a point. If he really is attempting to make a career out of this and intends to continue prioritizing it as such... I can't stick around. It is not what I want for my life.

 

If he views it as a time-intensive hobby, I want to have more say in terms of which gigs he's committing to, since I probably don't want to go, but also dont think it's fair that I spend every weekend alone.

 

 

This sounds fair, and a good idea, to me. Carrying on as you are just sounds like a recipe for resentment down the road. There is no shame in leaving due to incompatibility if a healthy compromise can't be worked out. He isn't wrong, but neither are you. And good on you for making a solid decision about what you will and won't accept in a partner.

 

Good luck!

[oldshirt]

I have decided I am going to I've him the benefit of the doubt, and attempt to have a conversation about this when we have some free time.

 

My feelings are this. I am able to be supportive... To a point. If he really is attempting to make a career out of this and intends to continue prioritizing it as such... I can't stick around. It is not what I want for my life.

 

If he views it as a time-intensive hobby, I want to have more say in terms of which gigs he's committing to, since I probably don't want to go, but also dont think it's fair that I spend every weekend alone.

 

Does that sound like a recipe for a breakup? Probably. But if he wants someone who "gets" it more than i do, he should probably date a musician...

 

I think this is fair and reasonable also.

 

At it's core dating is a noncommited interview and probationary period where we do a variety of things with someone to get to know to determine if that is the person you want to enter into a commitment with and have a home and family with.

 

If during that interview and probationary period it is determined that you two are not a match and not on the same sheriff of music (no pun intended) either party can end the interview process and move on to another candidate without repercussion.

 

There is serious question as to your compatibility here and what you describe above sounds like a very reasonable game plan and sounds as if you are looking at things in a wise and realistic manner.

[compulsivedancer]

Oldshirt, what is a sheriff of music?

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, what is a sheriff of music?

 

LOL it's a damn Kindle with a way over active auto-correct!

[compulsivedancer]

LOL it's a damn Kindle with a way over active auto-correct!

 

Ugh. I can't use my kindle for typing. I thought maybe it was an expression I'd never heard of. I tried googling it with no luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Does that sound like a recipe for a breakup? Probably. But if he wants someone who "gets" it more than i do, he should probably date a musician...

Parts of your situation remind me of the movie "Juno" where the wife wants to start a family (through adoption in this case) and her husband decides he'd rather chase his muse. Spoiler alert - doesn't work out for them as a couple ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, relevant to not sharing each other's passions, a couple of questions:

 

1. You state you've been together a couple of years. Do you live together and, if so, how long now?

 

2. When was the last time he proactively sought you out with interest in one of your passions and/or responded in an enthusiastic and interested manner to you sharing one of your passions with him?

 

I ask because it appears this thread is predominantly about him and I smell a marked imbalance here.

 

I have a phrase I use universally with friends, family and also with my ex-spouse, who often pursued her passions to the detriment of our M: "Everything in life isn't about you'.

 

Harsh? Yep! That's the concrete wall of my boundary of decorum. It hurts. Lots of freedom in between. If they don't like it, the door is right there. Done.

[lucy_in_disguise]

OP, relevant to not sharing each other's passions, a couple of questions:

 

1. You state you've been together a couple of years. Do you live together and, if so, how long now?

 

2. When was the last time he proactively sought you out with interest in one of your passions and/or responded in an enthusiastic and interested manner to you sharing one of your passions with him?

 

I ask because it appears this thread is predominantly about him and I smell a marked imbalance here.

 

I have a phrase I use universally with friends, family and also with my ex-spouse, who often pursued her passions to the detriment of our M: "Everything in life isn't about you'.

 

Harsh? Yep! That's the concrete wall of my boundary of decorum. It hurts. Lots of freedom in between. If they don't like it, the door is right there. Done.

 

 

1. 3+ years dating. We are not living together. I own my own place, he rents. Last time we visited the topic (about 6 months ago) he was not ready to live together. Yes, the lack of progression in the relationship is a bit of an issue for me.

 

2. Never? This was an issue throughout the relationship that caused us to break up for a while. It used to make me really unhappy that he shows 0 interest in my hobbies but I've accepted that it won't change. He does nt see it as a problem and would prefer a separate social lives type setup.

[carhill]

Here's another phrase life and marriage brought to me:

 

"They let me love them"

 

Watch for the balance part. IME, it's key, if you want a relationship that grows and strengthens over time.

 

Your part is communication. People can't read minds, much as we'd like to think they do when they appear to love us. Clear communication. Sometimes that's painful, but it can be positive too. Try phrasing things in positive ways.

 

In his defense, he's probably a pretty attractive guy because this kind of behavior with a less attractive man would have found him out the door long ago for most women I know. Charisma has a power all its own. I've seen that with certain women. Loved a few. They let me. That's good information. Good luck!

[jackslife]

1. 3+ years dating. We are not living together. I own my own place, he rents. Last time we visited the topic (about 6 months ago) he was not ready to live together. Yes, the lack of progression in the relationship is a bit of an issue for me.

 

2. Never? This was an issue throughout the relationship that caused us to break up for a while. It used to make me really unhappy that he shows 0 interest in my hobbies but I've accepted that it won't change. He does nt see it as a problem and would prefer a separate social lives type setup.

 

I think the lack of progression is definitely an issue. It seems he's happy with a girlfriend and that's it. Usually 2 - 3 years is around the time to make the living together commitment. I think this issue is as important as the compatibility one.

 

I don't want to be negative L-I-D, but it does seem to me that this relationship isn't going to go anywhere.

 

Reminds me of the line in Annie Hall - "A relationship is like a shark, it has to move forward to survive. And what we have here is a dead shark."

[Els]

1. 3+ years dating. We are not living together. I own my own place, he rents. Last time we visited the topic (about 6 months ago) he was not ready to live together. Yes, the lack of progression in the relationship is a bit of an issue for me.

 

2. Never? This was an issue throughout the relationship that caused us to break up for a while. It used to make me really unhappy that he shows 0 interest in my hobbies but I've accepted that it won't change. He does nt see it as a problem and would prefer a separate social lives type setup.

 

The more I read about your R, OP, the more I think you should leave.

 

There are clearly multiple aspects of this R that you are unhappy with. You seem incompatible with him on multiple fronts.

 

Were you staying hoping that he would change?

[lucy_in_disguise]

I've had a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach over the last couple days. I am angry and sad about the relationship but I can't seem to be able to express exactly why.

 

I'm not sure if his hobby is the real source of contention, or merely something I am picking to avoid dealing with bigger issues. I honestly cannot even say with certainty what the "bigger issues" really are.

 

There is the fact that i want more out of a relationship than this one is providing me. I want to get to the part where we are involved in planning for the future. We have never been able to get there but I'm not sure if it's me- my inability to lead the conversations I want to be having, my inability to feel- and elicit- that feeling of connectedness and emotional intimacy that motivates those conversations.

 

Or maybe it's him- he's not a planner, he's not much for romance or conversation, either.

 

On the other hand, for all our issues, we love each other, I trust him, we can have good times. He says he wants marriahe and kids and I think he'd be a good husband and father. I'm just not sure how to bring that out from some unattainable future and apply it to our relationship.

 

This weekend he is at another hippie fest, and I am attending a different music festival with my friends. He could have skipped a day of his to come with me, but chose not to. We were supposed to have breakfast this morning but he was too hungover.