She may have cheated but don't have 100% of the proof

[thefilmguy24]

I’m not sure as to why I’m writing this. Maybe I need a little bit of some outside influence since I have already gotten a lot of advice from family and friends. But here it goes and sorry for being a little long but I wanted to be as detailed as I can be in describing my situation. I kind of have a situation with my girlfriend and I’m not too sure as to what to do because I love this woman with all my heart and soul. First off, let me tell you that I’m 31 and she’s 34. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years this coming October. We have a beautiful 2 ½ year old daughter that is such a blessing in our lives.

 

My concern is that I may love my girlfriend more than she loves me. The reason I say this is because I’m not too sure if it’s just me being paranoid or if this is just who she is. I’ve noticed that her mom and dad are not very affectionate with each other but I can tell that they do love each other and are happy. I mean they have 5 beautiful kids and they have been married for over 25 years. I’m just wondering of her growing up and seeing how her parents are, that’s how she perceives how love should be. I grew up where showing and telling someone you love them is the norm.

 

Sometimes I feel paranoid because of a huge situation that happened last summer. In a nutshell she went to the Philippines with her mother to visit family for 3 weeks taking our daughter with her (my girlfriend is Filipina). I had a suspicion that she was also meeting someone there because of a gut instinct and also of some problems in our relationship. She denied the fact that they met up and she used the “He’s Just A Friend” speech when I confronted her of the messages. She even got mad at me for snooping around (I found the messages on her social media account and had them translated since they were in Tagolog). She even went as far of deleting the messages and changing her password (I saved most of the messages for safe keeping though.) Since I didn’t have the definitive proof and 100% of all the facts, I decided to just let it go and try to work out our relationship but there are times where it still kind of creeps up in the back of my mind. During a Halloween party, my friend was talking to her and was told that they were talking about me and he basically had my back by telling her that she needs to stop talking to guys that could possibly ruin a good thing she has with me.

 

She told him that they don’t mean anything to her but he told her that even though they don’t, an emotional connection could establish and it can ruin her relationship with me. A few months later, while at another family party, she got a little drunk and began to talk with one of her good friends and began to cry. He told me that I need to go and talk with her. She told me that she felt that she’s done some things in the Philippines that she’s not proud of, which I’m not too sure what that means. I think I know what she means, but I don’t have any clarification since she wouldn’t go into any details.

 

I think she may have slept with this dude and now regrets doing it, but again I have no proof if anything physical ever happened between them. I’ve become a better man for her as by getting a better job, helping her out with our daughter more, and just trying to be the best boyfriend I can be which was were the key points in the problem. To be honest, with us, he hadn’t had sex for a very long time. I’m not talking weeks or months. I’m talking about almost 2 years, 22 months to be exact. We did finally break our dry spell on Valentine’s Day as she told me some reasons as why she didn’t want to be intimate.

 

She felt that she wasn’t sexy enough for me because she gained a little weight during the pregnancy and she had a low sex drive as well. I know what you are thinking, “No man would stay that long without sex,” but I did because I believed our relationship can be salvageable and I love this woman with all my heart and soul. I mean I want to marry this woman and make our family official. We have even decided to take a weekend getaway every month to rekindle our love life. Now that we’ve opened up the communication I just feel like she’s not being affectionate enough though.

 

I don’t know if I’m over doing it or just simply over thinking things but she will only say “I love you” to me if I say it first or even if I do say it she just simply says “I know” but she never says it to me by her own free will. She will even give me her cheek or forehead when I go in for a kiss. She’ll only kiss me on the lips if I say something about her giving me her cheek or forehead in which she kind of gets a little upset sometimes. I’ve asked her why she’s like that and she responds with “I don’t know” or “that’s just the way I am.” People say it shouldn’t matter as long as I can find happiness and that I’m okay with the relationship.

 

They have also told me that whatever happened in the Philippines is in the past and I shouldn’t dwell in the past but look towards the future. If I keep looking back, it’s just going to drag me down. I agree with that and I am happy with her and I’m trying to forget the past. There are things that I just wish she would do, like for her to initiate a little affection every once in awhile. To be honest, if she wanted to be out of the relationship, she would have been out long ago. But she’s still here with me and even talks about our future together which I get a little confused. Yes I am a man and I have to be a man in the relationship, but men do need to have a little love showered on them every once in awhile to make them feel good and wanted.

 

I may be asking for too much but am I wrong to feel this way? What should I do? Please give me any advice that would benefit me in my current situation.

Edited July 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Chi townD]

Ummm....okay, from what I gleaned from that. Yeah, something bad happened in PI and that could be the reason why your sex life isn't that great. The guilt might be getting to her.

 

 

Therefore, she put up a protective wall around herself. She keeps you at arms length because if you do find out the complete truth, you're going to leave her. So, she might be preparing herself for that day.

[drifter777]

You say you love her but if that love is not mutual then its not really love - it's dependance. You don't want to leave the marriage because you don't want to be alone and you don't want to lose your child. Because of this you are happy to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage. If this is the case, why do you care what she did in the Philippines? You are just roommates, and if that's what you want then stop torturing yourself and stop bugging her about it. If that's not what you want then try counseling or just leave. You can continue to be a great dad to your daughter without living with her mother. With the relationship you and your wife have it might be better for your daughter to not grow up in a sick, dependent relationship.

[William]

To clarify for readers, this thread was originally posted in CFJ, but a review by moderation finds it, as the relationship is long-term, even if not marriage, and a child is involved, to be more appropriate to MLP and the Infidelity sub-forum. Thanks and please continue!

[oldshirt]

So what needs to happen for you to have "proof" that she's been with other men while denying you love and affection while you support her and her child???

 

Do you need to be in the same room and watch them with your own eyes and then collect and analyze the DNA evidence youself???

 

How much more proof do you need???

[harrybrown]

has she been tested for stds?

 

How can you forgive if you do not know what you are forgiving?

 

If you do not have sex, how are you sure that you are the father of your daughter?

 

More couples that talk about what happened stay together. (You would have to go to the study by Peggy Vaughn-her e-book for help for therapist and their clients) 86% of those that discussed the affair quite a bit stayed together. Of those that did not discuss the situation, the percentages kept going down.

 

If you do not want to stay with her, then do not discuss what happened. If you want to stay with her, then get a good counselor to help you communicate. If she will not go, then you can't fix it by yourself.

 

You can't sweep this under a rug. Maybe you could be one of the couples that did sweep everything under the rug, and still make it, but the study is not in your favor.

[oldshirt]

So let's look at what we do know.

 

We know she has a young child that you are claiming as your own (have you had a paternity test yet? But that's for another post) but she hasn't married you.

 

That's a huge bright red flag flapping in the wind right there. Any woman that has a Child with a man but isn't riding his ass day and night to marry her means one of two things - she either doubts the baby is his and doesn't want to make any waves which will make him do a DNA test.

 

- or she can barely stand him but needs his money and wants to be able to walk away Scot free when a better offer comes along.

 

There really aren't any other reasons.

 

So you already have that major strike against you. Add up all those other details and this paints a pretty clear picture that this gal is using you for support and money for her child but has no love or desire for you of her own.

 

If it will take a smoking gun of her screwing other guys for you to see that light then open your eyes and make an honest, good faith effort into investigating that.

 

Don't ask her about it or talk about it. She will just say no and then cover her tracks better. Actual look for yourself.

 

Hack her emails, Facebook, phone etc. Put a keylogger program on all her computers. Go through phone bills, bank accounts, credit cards etc. Put voice activated recorders in her car and places in the house she may have private conversations. Hire a PI to watch her then schedule an out of town trip and have PI follow her and record her conversations.

 

You will find proof. Whether you will accept it as proof or not at this point is debatable but it will be there.

 

Is she even in this country legally or is she only here because of you and that she had a child here. Is she under any threat of deportation?

[oldshirt]

...and the most important question and the one that could offer irrefutable proof she's been screwing other men, have you paternity tested the child???

[thefilmguy24]

For those that have asked questions I’ll try to answer them the best that I can. As far as my daughter goes, she is mine. I don’t need a paternity test to tell me that because she looks like me, has my eyes, and if you place a pic of my mother when she was a baby next to my daughter, they look alike, like almost twins. So there’s no question about that. As far as her being her in the United States, she is a U.S. Citizen as well as her parents and family. For the “cheating” or whatever you want to call it, it happened after our daughter was born which is another reason why I know that my daughter is mine. Plus the other guy she was talking to lives in Dubai. Before my daughter was born, we saw each other every day since she actually lived like around the block from me at the time. She even had me move in with her family which I know she never "cheated" at that time. Even though she doesn’t hound me to marry her, she has been kind of dropping subtle hints like looking at wedding dresses and looking at engagement rings. So that tells me that it is on her mind and I’ve even brought up the conversation with her about marriage and she does want to get married to me. She even wants us to buy our own house in the next few years since we live with her family at the moment. I have checked her Facebook and phone and I have not seen anything lately since the situation happened last summer. As of now, she is trusting me around her phone(when the situation happened, she never did) and even knows I know her password to her phone lock. I do trust her but I know if I’m still checking up on her, it means that I don’t fully trust her. I do trust her a lot and I do want to get past this. Maybe I wrote this thread to get my feelings out and already know what I need to do or what I want to do.

[thefilmguy24]

Plus she really doesn't need my money. She actually makes more than I do. But she's still with me.

[Chi townD]

Okay.....soooooooo........what are you going to do?

[Mr. Lucky]

To be honest, with us, we hadn’t had sex for a very long time. I’m not talking weeks or months. I’m talking about almost 2 years, 22 months to be exact. We did finally break our dry spell on Valentine’s Day as she told me some reasons as why she didn’t want to be intimate.

In the newspaper business, this is known as burying the lead.

 

What difference does it make who she did or didn't sleep with overseas if she's not sleeping with you ? And after she's imposed a unilateral ban for some made up reason on intimacy in your relationship for 2+ years, you still want to marry her.

 

Sigh..............

 

Mr. Lucky

[tom670]

In the newspaper business, this is known as burying the lead.

 

What difference does it make who she did or didn't sleep with overseas if she's not sleeping with you ? And after she's imposed a unilateral ban for some made up reason on intimacy in your relationship for 2+ years, you still want to marry her.

 

Sigh..............

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Can't add anymore on this one.

You DNA the kid to show what you think of her word right now which should be very little.

2 years no sex and you are thinking of marriage?

Don't do it.

[thefilmguy24]

We have been having sex now since we take a weekend getaway every month. I know sex once a month isn’t a lot but it is hard to get intimate with your partner when you have a house full of people and a baby that sleeps in the same room with you. Our weekend getaways are the only time we have time to ourselves and to have fun with each other. As for what I’m going to do is just talk with her about my concerns, but in a calm and rational tone so as to not offend her. I guess I just need her to be just a little more affectionate every now and then. I don’t need to be showered with love and attention every day, but once in a while would be nice, just to let me know that she does care and love me which I know she does. Ever since the situation happened we have gotten a little bit closer and I have notice a change in her that she does want to be with me because she honestly does love me. It’s just the affection part isn’t fully there. As for her “burying the lead” it’s possible since I don’t have all the facts and proof if something ever did happen over there. All I have is that they supposedly meet there from her facebook messages. Like I said before, if she wanted out of the relationship, she would have done it a long time ago and she can support herself if she needed to.

[oldshirt]

What are your ages?

 

What do you do for a living?

 

Why can't you get your own place?

 

If you love her so much and have a child together, why haven't you proposed? Or did you and she said no?

 

(I'm just asking why you're not married currently. I am absolutely NOT suggesting that you do now! I don't think you should even consider it untill these issues are resolved)

[oldshirt]

I know sex once a month isn’t a lot but it is hard to get intimate with your partner when you have a house full of people and a baby that sleeps in the same room with you.

 

 

 

Sex at regular intervals once a month is often "ovulation sex" look it up if you are not familiar with the term.

[oldshirt]

. All I have is that they supposedly meet there from her facebook messages. Like I said before, if she wanted out of the relationship, she would have done it a long time ago and she can support herself if she needed to.

 

Just because she didn't leave doesn't mean things are ok or that she didn't have big time hots for him or that they didn't have wild monkey sex.

 

He may have just wanted some extra poontang and banged her a few times and then sent her back because he didn't want her fulltime and didn't want to be an InstaDad to the child.

 

She may be with you more out of default than because she's actually committed or in love with you.

 

I'm not really trying to be so pessimistic or paint such a dark picture but these are things you need to seriously look into and investigate.

 

When you add up all the details of your story, it really points to a gal that has a beta boy supporter living in her house to help babysit and rub her feet, but isn't in love with him and is not sexually attracted to him.

 

It also points to her getting some action on the side with some other dude(s) while you get to give her some grandma kisses on the forehead if you've been a good boy and she's in a generous mood.

 

This could be a serious situation here. There is potential she could meet some guy with a job, a house and who makes her Jay-Jay tingle. If he will actually have her and not just a pump and dump like the last guy, she and your child may be gone in a matter of days.

[oldshirt]

Plus she really doesn't need my money. She actually makes more than I do. But she's still with me.

 

She may be under the same roof with you but if she hasn't had sex with you for 2 years, it doesn't really count.

 

You are being way to naive and accommodating here.

[HereNorThere]

Why do you say she might have "cheated" when she's already admitted to it? You have to decide whether you can live with who she really is and what she did or you can't. You've got more than enough proof she was unfaithful, now you need proof that she won't be again.

[BG11]

What are your ages?

 

What do you do for a living?

 

Why can't you get your own place?

 

If you love her so much and have a child together, why haven't you proposed? Or did you and she said no?

 

(I'm just asking why you're not married currently. I am absolutely NOT suggesting that you do now! I don't think you should even consider it untill these issues are resolved)

 

 

In the first paragraph he gives their ages and in a later post he says that she is dropping hints at wanting to be married so I doubt she turned down his proposal.

[bubbaganoosh]

You think she cheating on you and you may be right but I got to tell you that your being cheated by you.

 

I got a feeling that if she told you the sky was purple and the sun was green you would believe her. She's holding a ton of stuff back on you and if your sex life is that in frequent now, hold on because it's going to get worse. There's no reason for you two to go two years without sex and right now it seems fine to her except for what she may have down when she went away.

 

You better think twice about this whole matter because you need a whole lot of manure to make a rose smell sweet and she's shoveling a ton of it and your buying it.

[Mr. Lucky]

As for her “burying the lead” it’s possible since I don’t have all the facts and proof if something ever did happen over there.

 

You misunderstood. I meant one has to read past the title of your post and into the 5th paragraph to find the real problem. And it's not her possible infidelity.

 

You think she cheating on you and you may be right but I got to tell you that your being cheated by you.

 

Amen. Love isn't a noun, it's a verb. Someone who denies you intimacy for 2+ years isn't a candidate for a successful marriage. Time to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JS84]

I think calling what you have a relationship is a stretch. And even if it was it sounds pretty one-sided, and not on hers.

[thefilmguy24]

Have one other question to ask. I know it’s up to me to figure this out and probably know what some of you may say, but in all honesty, should I tell her that I know that she meet up with that guy in the PI or should I leave it alone and forget about the past and move forward? What would any of you do? If there is any female perspective would help too.

[Bryanp]

If you marry this woman then you are out of your mind. Why do you have such self-esteem issues? You hardly ever have sex with her and you know that she has cheated on you. What is wrong with this pictures? Her actions toward you seem to show that she is not particularly attractive to you and seems to have little respect for you. Why in the world would you settle for this? If you do not respect yourself then who will?