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Lost and alone, in NC, his sister send me a FB request.... [Important update made!]

perduetseul

By perduetseul
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Ok I won't bother anymore, you are only reading what you want to read, and I don't have to defend myself to anyone. Thank you sincerely anyway.

 

Your defensiveness is indicative of your anger with not hearing what you want to hear because deep down you know your reality. We're reading what YOU posted -- a relationship that made you feel unloved. You don't have to defend yourself. If you don't think the advice suits you, you don't have to accept it.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited by Zahara
  • 2 months later...
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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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I just want you to know, you were right.

 

History repeated itself.

 

It's been around 20 days since my 3-day begging don't leave me binge...

 

This time, I am not even angry. I am deep in depression. Can't stop crying. Everything is gone.

 

I hadn't posted because I am tired of people thinking this is normal and I should just snap out of it.

 

I am not strong. I have no motivation anymore. I have no desire to live...

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
I just want you to know, you were right.

 

History repeated itself.

 

It's been around 20 days since my 3-day begging don't leave me binge...

 

This time, I am not even angry. I am deep in depression. Can't stop crying. Everything is gone.

 

I hadn't posted because I am tired of people thinking this is normal and I should just snap out of it.

 

I am not strong. I have no motivation anymore. I have no desire to live...

 

You have been in a highly dysfunctional, on and off, relationship for 10 years. No one here expects you to just snap out of it. This recovery is going to take awhile. It sounds like this guy was a drug for you, and you completely gave up on yourself for 10 years. You completely minimized what you wanted and needed for 10 years.

 

First step is going NC. Are you committed to doing that? You can recover from this, but you've got to commit to NC.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I don't believe anyone here has told you to snap out of it. It's going to take awhile for you to get a grip on this but that only happens if you are committed to NC and starting over. Deep down you already knew history was going to repeat itself and you went back but if he came back today I bet you'll repeat history again. Until you make that decision to NC -- that means blocking him everywhere and laying this to rest, you're going to keep this dysfunction going.

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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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IRL everyone tells me to snap out of it.

 

No, I am not committed to NC, even when I haven't reached out to him...

 

I don't want to forget him, I just want him back. I know he will be back, he always is, right?

 

I want my heartache to stop. I can't deal anymore, I am too tired.

 

I must be crazy.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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IRL everyone tells me to snap out of it.

 

No, I am not committed to NC, even when I haven't reached out to him...

 

I don't want to forget him, I just want him back. I know he will be back, he always is, right?

 

I want my heartache to stop. I can't deal anymore, I am too tired.

 

I must be crazy.

 

Well, there's no snapping out if it. You have to feel the pain and process it.

 

I'm sure he will be back. And I'm sure you'll be in this position again.

 

It's your life. If you chose to live it by waiting and begging a man to want you, then it's a choice you have made for yourself. You're not crazy. You've just lost all sense of your value and self-respect. And he knows it too and that is why he treats you poorly.

  • Like 2
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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IRL everyone tells me to snap out of it.

 

No, I am not committed to NC, even when I haven't reached out to him...

 

I don't want to forget him, I just want him back. I know he will be back, he always is, right?

 

I want my heartache to stop. I can't deal anymore, I am too tired.

 

I must be crazy.

 

It's possible that the people IRL don't understand how toxic this is, or they might be tired of hearing about it. If you have been on and off for 10 years, I'm betting these problems are getting old for your family and friends. Now, that doesn't mean you need to snap out of it, but I think that may be where they are coming from. Sometimes, there's only so much you can help a person before you have to let go of trying.

 

Until you want to commit to NC, we can't do much to help you. No one is going to tell you to persist in this type of dysfunction. All the feelings you are having are normal. The wanting him back is normal, but at least do NC while working through those feelings.

 

Here is my question for you: are you, in any way, open to NC and getting him out of your life for good? I realize it's an awful thought, and you aren't currently NC. But are you at least open to it? Can you at least consider it? I don't know how many more times you can be drug through the mud before it starts to sink in that NC is the one and only option.

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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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I just... I have no strength anymore...

 

As I type this he is desperately looking for a girlfriend. Because he is desperate to get married. Because he hates being lonely. Because he wants a family and children ASAP.

 

He just didn't want me...

 

I am going to say something maybe selfish or conceited: I am a catch. I am educated, good job, pretty, awesome fit body, I am 35 but look 25-ish (seriously, no joke). But but but I am 35, and where I live, single 35 year olds are awful, I live in a super conservative place. I will be alone forever.

 

He on the other hand... is not educated, was unemployed for most of his life, makes little money, has an uncertain future, is really fat. (I know, he is amazing to me, I love and adore him). He thinks he can do better than me, he is actively looking for someone better than me...

 

I know right now this is ego talking. But what the heck?

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

On a separate topic...

 

This is a huge secret, I have OCD. As a part of it, I can't touch anyone. I won't go into details as it is a very difficult subject but he was the only person (IS THE ONLY PERSON) who could touch me. My single human contact comes from him... I miss him with all my heart, with all his mistakes, with all his shortcomings. I love him just as he is. I would give so much for a hug from him right now...

  • 4 weeks later...
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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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So he has a girlfriend now... She is 19, he is 35. He already says I love you to her...

 

I cried so hard I threw up, I spent the night crying and sick in the bathroom.

 

Rock bottom right? I wish. I need it to be. I need to let go and move on...

 

I DON'T KNOW HOW!

 

PLEASE TELL ME HOW!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

PearTree Member

PearTree

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So he has a girlfriend now... She is 19, he is 35. He already says I love you to her...

 

I cried so hard I threw up, I spent the night crying and sick in the bathroom.

 

Rock bottom right? I wish. I need it to be. I need to let go and move on...

 

I DON'T KNOW HOW!

 

PLEASE TELL ME HOW!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

 

Go back and read how you described him in your post above. He sounds awful. Now he's dating a 19 year old - that is pretty pathetic. Would you advise one of your friends to date him?

  • Like 2
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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Posted
So he has a girlfriend now... She is 19, he is 35. He already says I love you to her...

 

I cried so hard I threw up, I spent the night crying and sick in the bathroom.

 

Rock bottom right? I wish. I need it to be. I need to let go and move on...

 

I DON'T KNOW HOW!

 

PLEASE TELL ME HOW!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

 

It's possible that him being with someone else will give you the push you need to move on. It's a shock at first, but I think it's helpful in the long run. Your relationship with him was going nowhere anyway. Also, how do you know he loves her? Is someone feeding you information that need to stop.

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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So he has a girlfriend now... She is 19, he is 35. He already says I love you to her...

 

I cried so hard I threw up, I spent the night crying and sick in the bathroom.

 

Rock bottom right? I wish. I need it to be. I need to let go and move on...

 

I DON'T KNOW HOW!

 

PLEASE TELL ME HOW!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

 

This is in your favor otherwise you would still be grappling with hope. The door has been shut closed and the only way for now is to feel that pain and work through it. Not an easy task because just like you I was crying on floors and throwing up. I'm sorry Perduetseul, but there's no quick fix to this.

 

Give yourself time to grieve and if you just want to mope and cry in a corner, you're allowed to. Lean on your friends and look to your family for support. Letting go takes time. It's not going to happen overnight. Now that you know he has moved on, take your time in dealing with your wounds rather than panicking about letting go. You're going to process and analyze it all but that's normal just don't dwell on it so much. Stay distracted and be around people that love you.

 

BLOCK him and stop looking at what's going with his life. Please do that first.

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Lostweekend Member

Lostweekend

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The one thing that stuck out when I read your posts was when he returned, wanting you back. You wrote something about never really believing that he loved you but quote: "now he says he does.....". This one comment stuck out because saying you love someone and showing it through actions is another.

 

Girl, you have to realise that this relationship isn´t about love. Love is looking out for each other. Not wanting to hurt the other person, willingly. Love is about respecting the other person and their feelings and it is not about pushing the other person away, again and again and again, only to take them back after the other person has begged and pleaded again and again. This just is not a healthy relationship. You can try and find as many excuses and explanations possible for his behaviour but there really is none other than that he is a giant child. He is a 35 year old man who ends up with a 19 year old girl, after begging and pleading his gf of ten years to take him back only a few months ago.

 

Before you go and beat yourself up about it and think that this has to do with you not being lovable or that he chose her over you, you have to realise that the dynamic of your relationship has been off for a very long time. I don´t know if it was ever "on"? The one time you came close to feeling loved or respected by him was when you stood your ground and didn´t beg him to take you back?

 

That 19 year old girl might come on this message board in 5-10 years writing the exact same thread as you have started here. Wasted years on a man who has blatantly disrespected her and wasted her best years with the exact same games as you have been engaged in.

 

You are not a bad person. You deserve to be loved. Unfortunately you have been sucked into a very unhealthy relationship for a long time and it takes a long time to get it out of your system. Please don´t waste any more time longing for this to come back. Through the years he has pushed you away, you have won him back. It sounds sick but despite the turmoil and instability of it, it has become a very bad habit. You have won him back every time! That´s what it is, a VERY bad and unhealthy habit that needs to be stopped. The only thing you can do is to brush yourself off, get back in the saddle and NEVER look back. This relationship will destroy you if you don´t break the habit.

 

In the future, you will hopefully meet someone who shows you what love is all about. You will realise that what you have been involved in has nothing to do with that. Learn something from this and move forward. If he ever tries to contact you again I think you should rip him a new one, like you wanted to, but then you move on.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you can move forward. Seek professional help if you need it. Focus on yourself and try to heal, for your own sake. If you haven´t already visited the "coping" section on here, try it. It has a thread where you can rant and rave at him as much as your heart desires!

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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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I stalk him... Before you say that's wrong, he blocked me and that sent me into an obsession spell, I can't stop. But as some have said, now I know. I had seen him in previous breakups at parties and with girls but never post someone as their cover shot saying I love you.

 

I don't believe he loves her. I believe he is immature and perhaps horny and a liar and just can't stand being alone. But he is trying to move on, and on that aspect he is doing better than me. On the other hand, I know him so well, I can practically see his thoughts while posting, I kinda felt it was so he could show the world he could do well, an ego trip, or maybe to show me he wasn't gonna end up with a (insert several insulting and criticizing words here) like I told him he would.

 

Never mind, that is not important. What is important is to let go. And I can't do that for my life! I feel him inside me, I can't shake him off. I am hurting... And ok, cry and time, but I have to make that click, that internal decision, I know that should feel like calmness in the middle of the storm, and I don't feel that. I feel myself clinging. I want to open my hands and release everything and I feel they are super-glued together.

 

:(

 

PS you can't block someone who has blocked you, so I can't block him. I see him through other accounts... Bad, I know.

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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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I can't access that link...? But I searched manually and read it. I am not that person anymore, that person is angry as hell and had strength. I do not.

 

A friend said to me: you are strong, you can do this. And then she went ahead and gave as an example how I quit smoking cold turkey more than 3 years ago after being a seriously heavy smoker, over 2 packs a day. When you quit smoking, it is just like that, a decision to never ever take another puff. Easy! And even though it was THE HARDEST thing I have done, and even though I cried for months, and even though I went through hell... it was easy: just never put a cigarette in your mouth. So feelings and emotions and life-changers aside, there was action: never put a cigarette in your mouth again. So maybe I was crying at 3am with a migraine and chest pain and cravings and contemplating suicide... but I never put that cigarette in my mouth. I believed I would someday be all right. With time, way over a year, I finally "got over it", though I still crave.

 

So yes, I am full of excuses. I don't want to be. I want to want to do this. If I thought the action was as simple as "no stalking" and that will get me over him, I would be writing down my purpose right now and not stalk even though I bled. I believe that's not the way to get over him, because I still fantasize about him coming back. I am obsessed and seriously want to not be. What is the point of saying I will never get back together with him if my mind goes "yeah right!" and my heart goes "please don't!"...

 

PS it's way more than 8 months... 8 months is just the first time I posted here. I seriously need to change!

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I posted that link --- not about whether you are that person but the fact that eight months have gone by and you're still cycling in self-destructive.

 

It's a choice. You made the choice to stop smoking. You have to make the choice with this as well. The only person that can help you from this point forward is yourself.

 

PS: I know it's been more than 8 months. Even a bigger eye opener for you.

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Lostweekend Member

Lostweekend

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Compare this guy to a cigarette. You know he is bad for you and could end up doing serious damage to your health. Actually he has, your mental health.

 

Let me ask you something. Different approach! What is it you need right now to be happy again? Is it to win him back? Is it that he calls you and says that he made the biggest mistake ever when he ended it. That the 19 year old is nothing compared to you? etc etc. You know where I´m going with this?

 

This whole situation will affect you physically. Think about it. You are on a constant adrenaline rush now. Living on the edge. Brokenhearted, feeling abandoned, not feeling that your life is anything without him. That he dumped you for someone else. You need to win him back like you have done before because you know what that feels like, right? The relief you feel when all goes back to "normal". This is all about your mind and how it plays tricks on you. You have been pushed and pulled so much that you really haven´t sat down and thought about him and what he is to you? Does he really have what you want and need? Is he really worth all that pain and suffering!!

 

I don´t think you want HIM back. I think you want IT back because it´s a known and familiar situation, no matter how messed up it is.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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Is there anyone here...

 

I want to die...

 

I can't cope anymore and I am really embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, I am frustrated with myself, I have never been this low before.

 

I want to die. Please I want to die.

 

I am doing laundry... which I hadn't done in over 3 weeks... I can't do anything anymore. I stopped taking care of myself, I don't work anymore, I don't go to the gym anymore, I don't go to church anymore, I don't go to parties anymore... and this task, as basic as laundry, is driving me crazy I can't do it, I want to leave it there and go back to bed. All I want to do is sleep.

 

I blocked him. All this started since I blocked him. I shouldn't have. All I proved by blocking him is that I care. Duh! And now he can't see me anymore... Now I realize, I lived for him to see me.

 

SO WHAT IF THAT IS WRONG???!!!! AT LEAST I LIVED!!!! AT LEAST I CARED ABOUT HOW I LOOKED OR ABOUT WHAT I DID!!! AT LEAST I HAD A LIFE EVEN IF IT HAD THE STUPID POINT OF HIM SEEING IT!!! NOW I AM DEAD INSIDE AND DEAD ALIVE AND I WANT TO DIE FOR REAL AND CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT COPE ANYMORE!!!!!

lop98 Established Member

lop98

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It's normal since you just went NC NOW. Normal feeling, it hurts and slices you in pieces and all you hear is that numbing silence, right before the exit door.

 

Please read my post in this thread. PLEASE!

 

You are not the first person that's been at the bottom and the reason why you are here, posting, is because there's something you're hanging onto, let's call it hope, and if you hold on to it long enough, as weak and minimal as it feels now, trust me, life WILL grow from there, it will multiply and give you so many reasons to look forward.

 

After you read that post, at least for a minute consider how pathetic and monumentally ridiculous it is to reduce yourself to nothing, to even abandon your existence, over another completely mundane human being that simply can't love you the way you want him to, then pick up the phone or open google, and seek professional help, because you're dealing with this now and suddenly but it's something that's been building over years. If you don't have money, call a friend or relative and explain what's going on, that's why they're there for.

Edited by lop98
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wantnotshould Member

wantnotshould

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I don't know where you live but if you live here please call:

 

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 

Please find help, it might all seem worthless right now but life is worth living.

  • Like 2
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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Is there anyone here...

 

I want to die...

 

I can't cope anymore and I am really embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, I am frustrated with myself, I have never been this low before.

 

I want to die. Please I want to die.

 

I am doing laundry... which I hadn't done in over 3 weeks... I can't do anything anymore. I stopped taking care of myself, I don't work anymore, I don't go to the gym anymore, I don't go to church anymore, I don't go to parties anymore... and this task, as basic as laundry, is driving me crazy I can't do it, I want to leave it there and go back to bed. All I want to do is sleep.

 

I blocked him. All this started since I blocked him. I shouldn't have. All I proved by blocking him is that I care. Duh! And now he can't see me anymore... Now I realize, I lived for him to see me.

 

SO WHAT IF THAT IS WRONG???!!!! AT LEAST I LIVED!!!! AT LEAST I CARED ABOUT HOW I LOOKED OR ABOUT WHAT I DID!!! AT LEAST I HAD A LIFE EVEN IF IT HAD THE STUPID POINT OF HIM SEEING IT!!! NOW I AM DEAD INSIDE AND DEAD ALIVE AND I WANT TO DIE FOR REAL AND CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT COPE ANYMORE!!!!!

 

First, good for you for blocking him. It took a lot of strength to do that, but you did it. Second, there is nothing to be ashamed of here. You are feeling what many of us have felt, and there is no shame in it whatsoever. You were with this guy for 10 years on and off right? Well, of course, you feel like sh*t. It took me 3 months of NC to even begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel. A year of NC to begin to feel like I was moving on. It gets worse before it gets better.

 

It's more difficult to get over these toxic, on and off relationships. I was with a toxic person for 3 years who strung me along, and I was like you, always trying to please him and get commitment. I'd suggest therapy for you for sure. This guy and this relationship were dead weight. Here are some books you can read if you don't want to go to therapy. I recommend these books all the time, and I found tremendous strength in them.

 

"The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue

"Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson

 

Also, I think it would be good if you could work. That would give you a schedule, a goal, and get you around people. Did you have a job before the breakup?

  • Like 2
lop98 Established Member

lop98

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Second post but argh, look, what you tried to do and hopefully are still at it, which is laundry, is believe it or not, a good sign. It is perfectly normal to mourn but something in us starts to pull us up, snail pace and feel free to remain skeptical or even fight it but it happens.

 

I've been there, believe me, he was also in my life for 10 years, not having him felt like someone had cut a piece of me, like I had been shot and left to bleed slowly. No matter how much I try I will never be able to describe the pain I felt when I lost him. I was in bed all the time, unemployed, just staring at nothing, watching the sun go up and down and letting the days go by, I felt nauseous to even get up and drink water. Laundry? forget it, I continued to find clean underwear in the back of my closet, maybe from 2007 but who cares. Last time I shaved my legs? or did my hair? or grabbed and put on a pair of earrings? couldn't remember.

 

So I took baby steps, not even really trying, just for the sake of variety I guess (you can only lay on four sides of your body while in bed- it gets old). I started drinking water, lots. Clarity started coming back, not abundantly so but still, water is CRUCIAL for recovery. Then I heard chocolate is good when you are depressed, it was okay, sugar felt good.

 

Suddenly I had this impulse to go cleanliness freak and clean everything. I blasted music... so so loud as to being unable to think, and cleaned everything, changed the order of my bed, shelves, hid things I didn't want to see, went out to the nearby store and got a nice smelling candle. The night came and it was all clean and perfect. But I still felt on the edge, but at least I was clean!, it gave me a bit of calmness you know, at least my space didn't resemble the way I felt.

 

The next thing I implemented was getting out of bed every morning like a soldier, dressing up, putting my makeup on, doing my hair. From all the stress I was breaking out on my neck, I had strange lines on my face from crying for so long, I had nowhere to go. I felt ugly and a mess, but I would sit, all ready, and find something to do, it wasn't that easy to do what I really wanted to do (pamper myself and rejoice in my own mysery crying nonstop), cause I was all dressed up.

 

Then I started doing what I posted in that link....

 

It's been 2 years since then, it's been a lot of hard work, my professional life is still affected from that time in my life, but honey, I look better than I did before haha, it all stopped hurting, I've traveled, I've had a lot of fun nights and days, I've had the best sex I didn't even know existed, I've felt love again, I've had good jobs and currently live alone in my favorite city in the world in an apartment all by myself. If you had told me life could still feel so f*king good then, I would've just shown you the door, I wasn't interested, but IT DOES... and seriously now that I think of him I feel a bit embarrassed because I wasted so many months mourning someone that was worth in reality a day or two of mild sadness.

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perduetseul Member

perduetseul

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Thank you everyone...

 

I read it, I read it all over and over and I cried and I went to bed and got up until this morning... just because I had to.

 

I am empty and have nothing to say right now except thank you.

lop98 Established Member

lop98

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You are very welcome! I don't know you but I still send you a lot of love!

 

Now, it's okay to mourn but don't be too complacent with yourself, one way to start getting out of this is to practice anger and channel that sea of emotions and sadness into anger, probably the only time when being an angry, self-absorbed b*tch will be positive and uselful, it's then when you understand we are all capable of these emotions for a reason!

 

The anger stage is hard to move past from, over a year later I was still angry even though I was doing good things but that stage was my life savior. It really helped me a lot to mumble often 'f*ck you you little peanut-faced f*ckhead f*ck you...', I didn't even know what I was saying but it was adrenaline and it picked me up from bed, I would take a shower furious, I would be on a treadmill for too long and furious too (run on the street! any sport is good!). I hated every man on the street, they were all good for nothing liars that hurt, losers, and I was too but I continued to work on myself because... not many options! and I was better than him, he would not get to live on happily while I'd wait for death on bed, screw that, he was balding, I wasn't, I'd get out of that humiliating state (incoherent pride worked wonders for me, whatever works for you go for it!).

 

It's important to keep on working as you are angry (studies, looking for a job, volunteering, you name it) because some people make anger part of their personalities and that's not good. I can't even remember when I stopped mumbling poisonous crap, I was too busy for that.

 

The weird past of all is that not only getting over the pain was hard to do, I also didn't WANT to do it, I kept a small flame inside hoping 'a little' (if I'm honest- hoping A LOT) that one day he would walk into that door and say he was sorry, that it was all a mistake, that what we lived together meant to him what it had meant to me, that that time when we laughed on bed under the sun and he smiled at me completely in love and said he didn't know someone could trigger so much tenderness and love in him... that he still remembered it and wanted to hang on to it.

 

Maybe now, two years later, I can tell you that if that had happened, my life wouldn't have necessarily been bad, it would have taken another very different direction (I think we would've broken up eventually and right now I'd be still struggling), but I would've missed on this journey, which was completely about myself, about something beyond me (some people call it god) testing me... testing my ability to look after myself, to face all my ghosts, to feel proud about working day and night on a struggle no one could see, that only I knew I was carrying everywhere I went, and even though I was completely clueless when it started and I was demolished and how do you even figure out how to go on where you don't even know where all the pieces to rebuild yourself are, I figured this stuff out, how? I don't know!! I went back to living with the most basic understanding of it, by getting up and doing that bed, showering?, drinking water. I left behind many of my 'old self' pieces because I simply couldn't find them anymore, I will never be the same person I was that's for sure, and if he had come back I would still be that person, but the journey made me acquired new things... I realized I wasn't particularly weaker or stronger than others, I learned about humility, I learned about values, about my capacity to love, also my capacity to idealize someone else and deposit all my hopes and dreams around someone else, about true love (family, friends, life), about my strength and survival instincts, about the crazy emotional depths of a human being, I wondered what's the point of loving like that only for that to end (fyi I'm living it now! that was the whole point!).

 

When I was left homeless some months ago over a bad apartment lease and had no money and had to live in a hotel, everyone kept saying 'That's tough! how do you even cope?' and I was thinking 'really?', I felt nothing, sure it was uncomfortable but I thought to myself, 'tough? this isn't "tough" by any means'. I think a part of me feels thankful towards him for not walking into that door then... in retrospective it's been the nicest thing he's done for me, not coming back when I thought I needed him.

 

I always told myself that I would be fine, 95% doubted it but a 5% thought what if it's true. Maybe it's 0.5 for you, maybe it's less, but it's still there, and you know, we are born alone and die alone for a reason and tests like this, somewhere mid life, are a cruel reminder of that but also liberating, because after you start trying to cure your wounds and they start healing, you realize you are completely free to do absolutely anything and go absolutely anywhere.

 

So chin up girl! you know you are so much better than being a mess.

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