Is It Ever Really About the Kids??

[still_an_Angel]

I don't believe this is always an excuse. As a parent, I was literally torn when my stbxh wanted to reconcile, one of my kids in intensive counselling, and I felt my kids were falling apart one by one when H left us. Against my better judgement, I agreed for him to come back so we can both help the kids. Wrong choice though, we ended up separating again. I'm not really sure if the brief R helped that much.

 

 

With this as my background, I'm in an A with a MM who has a child with special needs. I would never want to destabilise his child so I completely understand his reason for not leaving his M. Its not always black and white with parents who take their responsibilities seriously.

[gettingstronger]

Confusing that they claim its about the kids yet engage in behaviors that are detrimental to families-

 

For us, I remember our OW saying to me in a fit of anger that I was lucky he loved our kids so much otherwise he would have been long gone-

 

It always struck me as odd- if we did not have kids, our marriage would have been like it was way back when kids were not a factor-all of the focus would have been on he and I- he would not have needed the ego boost of being the one and only-

 

The other day we were getting ready to go out and the kids each needed something (they are 15 and 19 and still need something all the time it seems) I said- I understand how the A was so addicting because you had so many encounters devoid of kids and life stress-it must have been kind of freeing- imagine if you and I could be that carefree

 

He shuddered and changed the subject-when he thinks about how he put the family on the back burner it makes him feel crappy-

 

So to answer your question-I am not sure if they stay because of the kids or if the kids and family life is what drives them to cheat in the first place-but I do know that under it all, they love their families and when they choose them and you can't wish that away- all you can do is accept that choice and heal and find a relationship thats healthy for you-

[Got it]

I posted this in one of my other threads, but I'm genuinely interested in hearing insight on this subject. My AP of 1 1/2 years says that the only thing keeping him from leaving his W and being with me is that he can't imagine leaving his children. He IS a very involved father, and I know his kids are his first priority. (As they should be)

 

My question is: is it ever really about the kids, or is that just a common excuse used to keep you strung along?? I also think a lot has to do with the fact his W would take him for all he's worth. (He's mentioned this recently, and they live in California. She'd get half of everything)

 

MM/MW with children.. Have you ever felt stuck in a unhappy M because of your children, or because of being afraid of losing half your assets, home, etc?

 

OM/OW.. Did your MM/MW use this excuse on you as to why they couldn't leave their M??

 

Just curious if he was being honest, or if this is just a common tale.

 

It is going to vary by person but yes I think that it can be a legitimate reason/fear for someone.

 

For my husband he was concerned about the kids as his plan had been to wait until they were adults and then divorce. He was worried about the disrupt to their life and he and his ex wife coparented fairly well and basically lived separate lives. And some of his fears came to fruition with the divorce and the impact on the kids. He is ultimately much happier having divorced, and his kids have commented that he seems happier, less angry, etc. But there was an impact.

 

Finances was a concern as well, they were barely covering everything prior so trying to separate into two households was difficult. It has been a tough few years for him, he walked away with all the debt, 60,000.00 and the second mortgage as they short sold. As of this month he is done with the debt consolidation and still paying off the second mortgage. He was able to make it happen but he struggled greatly in the first two years and struggled at times.

 

Can it be overcome? Absolutely. But someone has to have a good handle on their financials and a plan on how to divorce. I do think that too many play with the idea but then allow their fears to hold them back. I think that having an affair and not being prepared to divorce is a major recipe for disaster.

[Ailsa1983]

No it's not, most times after d-day the mm realises what he has jeopardised at home, not only his kids but his in-laws, siblings and most of all seeing the hurt on his wife. It does not matter how much he loved the ow at the time the reality has set in and most MM choose their family over their A and never look back. It's sad and it's an horrendous experience for the ow who is now left out in the cold feeling used, abandoned and most of all just broken. She can't and never will understand how he can go back to his wife after all they have been through, and this is where i can understand why some sane ow eventually turn crazy.

[cozycottagelg]

I am not having an affair and neither is my husband.

 

But I'm at home because of the kids. I would have left a long time ago if it wasn't for them. I am not ready to break up their family yet. It is a valid excuse, in my opinion, because I am living it.

[cocorico]

I posted this in one of my other threads, but I'm genuinely interested in hearing insight on this subject. My AP of 1 1/2 years says that the only thing keeping him from leaving his W and being with me is that he can't imagine leaving his children. He IS a very involved father, and I know his kids are his first priority. (As they should be)

 

My question is: is it ever really about the kids, or is that just a common excuse used to keep you strung along?? I also think a lot has to do with the fact his W would take him for all he's worth. (He's mentioned this recently, and they live in California. She'd get half of everything)

 

MM/MW with children.. Have you ever felt stuck in a unhappy M because of your children, or because of being afraid of losing half your assets, home, etc?

 

OM/OW.. Did your MM/MW use this excuse on you as to why they couldn't leave their M??

 

Just curious if he was being honest, or if this is just a common tale.

 

I wouldn't say he used it as an excuse - but it was the reason that he didn't simply dump his then-W after she reneged on her agreement to do MC. He had taken her back after she begged and pleaded following a year-long separation, during which he was happy as Larry and she was suicidal, and during which the kids coped really badly owing to her state. So he took her back because of the kids, and then when she reneged he felt he couldn't subject the kids to that so soon again, and so he allowed her to stay, and ultimately landed up having an A as a means to survive the sentence he felt he had to serve (until the kids were old enough to withstand another split).

 

Once the kids were old enough, he discussed the possibility of a split with them, they were on board, so they left her. So I would say it wasn't an excuse, but a genuine reason, because as soon as that reason no longer held, he left.

 

I'm sure for some MPs the kids are an excuse. For others, a convenient shorthand to describe a host of fears for the future associated with the dissolution of the family unit (economic, social, psychological, etc) and for others, a very real logistical barrier to their ability to follow their hearts.

[Got it]

MissBee.. That's was very well said. I believe everything you just said. I think he is afraid that by "splitting up the family" that he would in some sense, be ruining his kid's childhood.. but I think he's more worried that they'll hate him at some point for leaving their mom for another woman. Even if there is no love between them anymore. (Which I'm not sure there isn't)

 

I guess I was curious because I wanted to be sure there wasn't any way I could help him feel more comfortable with the idea of change. He DOES have a pretty comfortable life built with his W (beautiful home, cars, in-laws, etc) and to ask him to give that all up, the life he's built over 13 years for me, girl he been in an extremely passionate A for only 1 1/2 years is hard. We haven't had the time or the opportunity to build that kind of stability, and may never have the chance. No matter how much we love each other, or want to be with each other.

 

This isn't your job to do. His leaving has to really be separate of you so this is something that he needs to come to on his own. He has to decide how comfortable he is with this. You can suggest therapy for him but outside of that he needs to walk his own path. I didn't want him to say that he left for me. Regardless if the OP is in the picture or not, the MP has to be comfortable with the idea of divorcing because they feel it is the best decision for their situation. Full Stop.

 

I divorced when the affair started and never regretted it. It doesn't matter if my husband was in the picture or not, it was the right decision for me and my ex husband and I have never wanted him back. That is where the person needs to be. For some the bad outweighs the good and they effect change. For others the good outweighs the bad and so it isn't worth changing. For others, the fear of the unknown is enough to overriding any real energies to make changes.

 

It really varies by the person and so very hard to know if someone is going to make the jump or not. I do think IC is very important to help work through the process. I think it is unfair of the MP to bring in an OP into a scenario they do not have figured out and while may play with the idea of divorce have done little work to get to that resolution emotionally, mental, or physically. It is a disaster waiting to happen for everyone. If they aren't looking to divorce then they should state that firmly up front.

[Got it]

Well, for far too long too many people have divorced because they SAY they don't love each other anymore, they don't get along, and that might all be well and true but when I worked at the family law office for 5 years, the vast majority of the couples that divorced were divorcing because of that, because they supposedly stopped loving each other.

 

I do take issue with the "it's not a healthy environment" for the kids stance too many people take. If kids ARE so resilient to be able to handle the upending of their world as they've known it, than it should also be true that they are resilient to be able to weather a two parent family, their mother and father, not being lovey dovey in front of them.

 

I think what the issue boils down to, and please pardon me for being so opinionated, but it is that two or maybe one adult can't suck it up for 18 or less years just so that their kids' lives don't have to be rocked. Second marriages fail more than first and third marriages fail even more than second. So, being in love clearly, in my opinion, isn't the problem.

 

I just feel bad for kids. I've seen a lot, I've heard a lot, and I think society as it is now speaks loud and clear for how good divorce has been for kids. A lot of these parents that divorce under the guise of, 'well, it's not healthy for the kids to see their parents arguing,' don't mind using electronics as babysitters, and basically making sure their kids are entertained 24/7. I think parents should divorce if there's physical abuse. And of course you can't force someone to stay in a marriage, but all I'm saying is you didn't say anything about his marriage that screams anyone is being harmed and if his kids are his priority, then he should be willing to do whatever to make the marriage to their mother a priority in making it better. Certainly having an affair is a step in the opposite direction to that. I wouldn't say anything necessarily if this were a childless couple, but it isn't and he's the one singing the praises about his kids being his priority. Basically, to answer your question, no, it is not always an excuse to the affair partner if a parent says they want to stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids. People used to do that more long ago, whereas now the minute the honeymoon is over people want to do a complete reversal of what led them to the altar in the first place and throw money at an attorney, and everyone's world gets rocked for a solid one, two or three years during the divorce process. New partner in the picture, lather, rinse, repeat. I just don't get it.

 

Having had two parents "suck it up for 18 years or so" I can tell you that can do an amazing amount of damage as well. I would not be so quick to assume that divorcing is the root of all evil in upbringing. Parents staying together for the kids does a large amount as well. I have many childhood friends who parents did this, either divorced when the kids were grown or still miserably together and it takes it's toll.

 

I can say that the day my parents divorced was one of the most relief filled days for my siblings and I and we couldn't believe it was finally happening. They have a far better relationship now than they ever did married and have coparented/grandparented very well together. We still do holidays together, etc. but will less drama and explosions.

 

I think it is very self righteous of people, who have not grown up in this type of toxic environment, to preach on how this is really for the best. Bull. What is the best is married or divorced the adults work on how to have a healthy relationship for the sake of the kids. With a MUCH higher bar than just physical abuse.

[Ailsa1983]

I am not having an affair and neither is my husband.

 

But I'm at home because of the kids. I would have left a long time ago if it wasn't for them. I am not ready to break up their family yet. It is a valid excuse, in my opinion, because I am living it.

 

This is where MW and MM differ, I would say most MM would not leave their marriage unless they are thrown out but I find that MW are the ones whom after having an A leave their marriage not long afterwards. I was living the same was only in my marriage for the kids then d-day happened and had to re-think my whole future and what I really wanted so I done the most difficult thing I have ever done and divorced and broke the family up. I could not sacrifice my happiness and well being anymore it was physically making me ill to the point where I became severely depressed and this affected my children.

[cocorico]

Having had two parents "suck it up for 18 years or so" I can tell you that can do an amazing amount of damage as well. I would not be so quick to assume that divorcing is the root of all evil in upbringing. Parents staying together for the kids does a large amount as well. I have many childhood friends who parents did this, either divorced when the kids were grown or still miserably together and it takes it's toll.

 

I can say that the day my parents divorced was one of the most relief filled days for my siblings and I and we couldn't believe it was finally happening. They have a far better relationship now than they ever did married and have coparented/grandparented very well together. We still do holidays together, etc. but will less drama and explosions.

 

I think it is very self righteous of people, who have not grown up in this type of toxic environment, to preach on how this is really for the best. Bull. What is the best is married or divorced the adults work on how to have a healthy relationship for the sake of the kids. With a MUCH higher bar than just physical abuse.

 

Agree completely.

 

People often quote stats about how kids from single-parent families are more likely to <insert dire consequences of choice here> but I think the difference lies in exactly what Got It posted - how well or how badly the parents are able to co-parent after the split. I haven't seen the details of these doom-mongering studies but I'd bet that the "single parent families" who spawned these loser kids were characterised by deadbeat dads who did not invest fully in the post-D parenting of their kids, and / or who rubbished the former spouse to the kids, and / or who failed to provide adequate resources for both households, leaving the primary custodial parent (or both) to struggle and the kids to suffer real hardship. And, while I'm sure that does represent a fair proportion of all Ds, it's far from the full picture, and it's also not deterministic. Some kids even when confronted with that kind of split still grow up to be well adjusted, successful human beings and not losers - just as some kids whose parents "stayed together for the kids" land up in the gutter. What matters - as Got It stated - is how well you parent, together or apart.

[jwi71]

Agree completely.

 

People often quote stats about how kids from single-parent families are more likely to <insert dire consequences of choice here> but I think the difference lies in exactly what Got It posted - how well or how badly the parents are able to co-parent after the split. I haven't seen the details of these doom-mongering studies but I'd bet that the "single parent families" who spawned these loser kids were characterised by deadbeat dads who did not invest fully in the post-D parenting of their kids, and / or who rubbished the former spouse to the kids, and / or who failed to provide adequate resources for both households, leaving the primary custodial parent (or both) to struggle and the kids to suffer real hardship. And, while I'm sure that does represent a fair proportion of all Ds, it's far from the full picture, and it's also not deterministic. Some kids even when confronted with that kind of split still grow up to be well adjusted, successful human beings and not losers - just as some kids whose parents "stayed together for the kids" land up in the gutter. What matters - as Got It stated - is how well you parent, together or apart.

 

 

Agreed - kids don't NEED married parents - they need INVOLVED parents.

 

And, given OP's description of the fighting (hearsay I know) - which is 1) either done with the kids the around and we walk Got It's path or 2) the kids aren't around - and he managed to yet again not be around the kids 24x7 (aka an excuse).

 

Either way - its an excuse - and the most cowardly of excuses - hiding behind the children. That really irritates me.

[Goodbye]

It's interesting to hear other perspectives. It allows me to broaden my view. I come from a childhood environment where my parents DID fight constantly, and it DID like as to physical abuse.. so I'm fairly opinionated and sensitive to the "staying together for the kids" issue.

 

I honestly don't know what they dynamic of my AP's household is. Maybe his W is a wonderful, involved mother. I couldn't tell you. I do know that their relationship got so hostile at one point that they never did anything as a complete family unit. It was always him taking the kids places, and her not wanting to go.

 

But who's to say that wasn't him omitting she was there.. I guess my final stance is that the happiness of the parents DOES directly affect the happiness of the children. It all trickles down.. and the parental romantic relationship is the first example of romantic love to kids. So, it's important that they can see and sense the love between them. It will help shape their future romantic relationships into their adulthood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know many share the stance of Scorpio...unless you are being physically beaten...ride out the 18 years NO MATTER WHAT.

 

 

I couldn't do it. I actually turned to alcohol because I was so lonely and depressed in my marriage. I got help. I then got a lawyer and got out. I wasn't being hit by my H, but I wasn't allowed to be the woman I wanted to be for my kids.

 

 

My kids know and appreciate the peace in both of our households. Ultimately...I asked myself the question "Would I want my daughters to STAY in something that was making them very unhappy because that is what our culture and tradition dictate?" No.

 

 

I am not an advocate for divorce, or free love for that matter...but I know with certainty that we ALL benefited from the end of the marriage...me, my exH and especially my kids. And you know what??? My kids spend MORE time with their dad then they did prior to our divorce. When they are with him I am not there to pick of all the slack...he is forced to be Parent #1 when he has them on weekends, vacations...and he has risen to this beautifully. My daughters have a much different dad...and it is good.

 

 

I realize this is about your MM and not you. After reading all the posts...I think the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from MM's life and let him experience his life without the crutch of someone there "on the side." I know it isn't easy to let go of hope...but I think he has stated his desire...to make it work with his family, and that includes his wife. If he has further thoughts on this position, he knows where to find you.

 

 

I'm not minimizing your pain, trust me. It is very, very difficult.

[DKT3]

Its can be an excuse, but it can also be real. If its real, then its likely to be short term.

 

In my situation once I decided to leave my marriage (she had the affair) it took almost a year or so to finally do it. I stayed because of the kids. I do think that had I had a OW that I even slightly cared for on the side I would have left sooner (I personally couldn't cheat, too much drama). Yet I still loved my wife and in part I was also looking for a reason to stay, did my kids give me that reason? I'm truly not sure, if I'm making any sense.

 

I think you know, you maybe convincing yourself otherwise. I think you asking is almost you saying to don't believe him.

[DKT3]

Agree completely.

 

People often quote stats about how kids from single-parent families are more likely to <insert dire consequences of choice here> but I think the difference lies in exactly what Got It posted - how well or how badly the parents are able to co-parent after the split. I haven't seen the details of these doom-mongering studies but I'd bet that the "single parent families" who spawned these loser kids were characterised by deadbeat dads who did not invest fully in the post-D parenting of their kids, and / or who rubbished the former spouse to the kids, and / or who failed to provide adequate resources for both households, leaving the primary custodial parent (or both) to struggle and the kids to suffer real hardship. And, while I'm sure that does represent a fair proportion of all Ds, it's far from the full picture, and it's also not deterministic. Some kids even when confronted with that kind of split still grow up to be well adjusted, successful human beings and not losers - just as some kids whose parents "stayed together for the kids" land up in the gutter. What matters - as Got It stated - is how well you parent, together or apart.

 

People love to downplay stats when they aren't favorable to their situation, however stats and studies are real. Of course they are never absolute, my brother told me that all 217 people that finished Med school with him came from two parent homes. I'm 100% sure not all those marriages where happy ones.

 

I got in trouble for posting stats, but search people in prison and the single parent families are a run away commonhood there. Even moreso when infidelity is involved. Simply put, infidelity takes away a kids trust. We are dealing with that now with our oldest, and we are back together again.

[goodyblue]

Having had two parents "suck it up for 18 years or so" I can tell you that can do an amazing amount of damage as well. I would not be so quick to assume that divorcing is the root of all evil in upbringing. Parents staying together for the kids does a large amount as well. I have many childhood friends who parents did this, either divorced when the kids were grown or still miserably together and it takes it's toll.

 

I can say that the day my parents divorced was one of the most relief filled days for my siblings and I and we couldn't believe it was finally happening. They have a far better relationship now than they ever did married and have coparented/grandparented very well together. We still do holidays together, etc. but will less drama and explosions.

 

I think it is very self righteous of people, who have not grown up in this type of toxic environment, to preach on how this is really for the best. Bull. What is the best is married or divorced the adults work on how to have a healthy relationship for the sake of the kids. With a MUCH higher bar than just physical abuse.

 

 

THIS.

 

Ten Characters

[goodyblue]

People love to downplay stats when they aren't favorable to their situation, however stats and studies are real. Of course they are never absolute, my brother told me that all 217 people that finished Med school with him came from two parent homes. I'm 100% sure not all those marriages where happy ones.

 

I got in trouble for posting stats, but search people in prison and the single parent families are a run away commonhood there. Even moreso when infidelity is involved. Simply put, infidelity takes away a kids trust. We are dealing with that now with our oldest, and we are back together again.

 

I don't downplay stats that aren't favorable to my situation, I downplay all stats, because in some way they are skewed.

 

P.S. My DIL who is from a single family, is in med school.

[littleplanet]

If it was a woman in question, we would not doubt that it's all about the kids.

Yet a man is supposed to be less connected.

 

Fatherhood - for some, is central to their life.

That relationship can sometimes go deeper than any other.

[DKT3]

If it was a woman in question, we would not doubt that it's all about the kids.

Yet a man is supposed to be less connected.

 

Fatherhood - for some, is central to their life.

That relationship can sometimes go deeper than any other.

 

True, but at the same time mothers take much more heat for having affairs, and "doing it to the kids".

[DKT3]

I don't downplay stats that aren't favorable to my situation, I downplay all stats, because in some way they are skewed.

 

P.S. My DIL who is from a single family, is in med school.

 

As I said no stat is absolute. My grandparents were married 56 years when grandpa passed. 9 kids, 7 college grads 1 lifer in the Air force, 1 felon. 6 of 9 have all been married once, all over 30 years. One has never married, one lost her husband (cancer) and has since remarried and one is gay (my favorite uncle BTW).

 

Nothing is absolute, however we learn from what we see and accomplish most often what is expected. Growing up in a two parent home will increase your odds of being successful in all walks of life because it can there are fewer huddles to stump you.

 

Once again nothing is absolute.

[peaksandvalleys]

I don't believe this is always an excuse. As a parent, I was literally torn when my stbxh wanted to reconcile, one of my kids in intensive counselling, and I felt my kids were falling apart one by one when H left us. Against my better judgement, I agreed for him to come back so we can both help the kids. Wrong choice though, we ended up separating again. I'm not really sure if the brief R helped that much.

 

 

With this as my background, I'm in an A with a MM who has a child with special needs. I would never want to destabilise his child so I completely understand his reason for not leaving his M. Its not always black and white with parents who take their responsibilities seriously.

 

I have to disagree. I believe it is always black and white when you don't want your children to be caught in a possibly life damaging situation. I believe humans look for excuses to justify poor choices and hurtful behavior. But I do believe there are right and wrongs to all situations.

[dichotomy]

dichotomy.. Thank you for your input. I know that there are lots of instances where people stay in unhappy/abusive/rough marriages strictly for the kids sake thinking it's better for them.. whether in an A, or not.

 

My parents were an example of just this kind of couple. In the end, they were so miserable together during my adolescence, that it actually ended up making my childhood hell. They constantly fought, and my Mom was verbally and physically abusive.

 

I don't know what effects a D has on a childhood, but I know what effects two people who don't love each other staying together "just for the kids" does. And it's not always the best decision, or the one that makes anyone happy.

 

I wish I could make my AP understand that.

 

 

I am glad to see this discussion expand in a thoughtful manner. This whole topic of "for the kids" has been brought up in other sections. As a MM who has had a difficult marriage and decided in part to stay for the kids, I would like to add more. I answering this from MM perspective - but my arguments could apply to a MW as well - so please don't take this as sexist. I am just responding to OP for MM response.

 

Also for background - I am a child of divorce and divorce and divorce (3 stepdads when I was young) and I also married my current wife and she came with a child that I helped raise as my own.

 

So here are more of my thoughts.

 

The bolded comment above is very true and often a base and logical response. I am sorry this happened to you.If the marriage is hostile and creating a bad place for the kids - then it can hurt them more than divorce. Only a the married person involved can decide honestly how bad the environment is with the marriage for the kids. Many kids grow up seeing there parents argue or go through difficult times or not be all hugs and kisses - its normal. But if the marriage is not just difficult (as mine is at times) but hostile and cold (mine is not there) then yes you should consider the kids being better off.

 

As mentioned by other posters, it can and does happen that the co-parenting and hostilities continue and even get worse after divorce. It was for my wife and her ex-husband. It was awful and horrible for my stepdaughter. You are attached to the hip to your ex after a divorce and kids can get caught in the cross fire. I was on a step family support internet board for many years - the stories were awful - the kids and the divorced moms and dads suffered, the divorce did not end conflict it made it worse for some (not all).

 

Sometimes divorce can mean loss of a great home, community and schools as many homes require two incomes. Leaving a great place and town for a lessor one is hard on kids and parents. Yes its the money loss many husbands complain about (giving half my paycheck to that no good lousy ex!) - but the kids have less money, maybe much worse schools, worse home, and loss of friends and community. You go from a nice home in a nice community to maybe two apartments in not so good town?

 

The thought of part time parenting for any parent - let alone a dad like me who LOVES being a full time parent is heartbreaking. It is so nice to have a home with children to come home to each and every day ("DADDYS HOME! YEA!"..leaps in to my arm) . Instead your arguing on the phone about when they can be dropped off or why you can't see them and your sad not to hold them.

 

Dating.....remarriage. Whoa boy - just wait till your ex spouse starts the process of seeking out new men.. its a meat market in the dating scene. Who the heck knows what kind of men your ex wife is going to expose your kids to - as a single mom- you think the kids won't know what she is up to with her dating life? and if she marries some new man? Wow - going to be a pain to have another "dad" around adding to the complexity of your attempt at co-parenting or raising your kid with different values - or competing with you "Hey step dad is taking us to Hawaii!" or worse yet "stepdaddy snake is drinking again and beating up mommy!"

 

So you see - "staying for the kids" can be a very complicated decision in for many.

 

 

 

P.S. kind of off topic - but I want to say while I did decided to stay (in part) in a sometimes difficult marriage for my kids, I did not rest on this point alone. That is I decided to redouble my efforts at improving my marriage and giving my wife and the marriage all the leadership I could to make it great. Basically if I am staying I am going to be in it for all I can, try to make it work. I know that's not the point of this section or this post but in my case I am have been in this marriage with both feet. Its not been easy but I do that (improving the marriage) also "for the kids" and for my love for my wife (see my signature). I understand others have different circumstances and approaches to "staying for the kids" on how to cope and continue on with one foot in another place. Some get involved with OW or OM to fill a hole. I understand this need some MM/MW and AP's have for an affair.

Edited July 8, 2014 by dichotomy

[Got it]

People love to downplay stats when they aren't favorable to their situation, however stats and studies are real. Of course they are never absolute, my brother told me that all 217 people that finished Med school with him came from two parent homes. I'm 100% sure not all those marriages where happy ones.

 

I got in trouble for posting stats, but search people in prison and the single parent families are a run away commonhood there. Even moreso when infidelity is involved. Simply put, infidelity takes away a kids trust. We are dealing with that now with our oldest, and we are back together again.

 

Not necessarily. I found out my mother had an affair. Granted I found out years later but I did not have the reaction that others speak about. I found out from my father when they were divorcing. Honestly my first and primary reaction was just sadness that even then it was OBVIOUSLY they weren't meant to be together yet they let us suffer for over a decade longer because nothing was ever resolved on both ends. Neither parent tried to fix what was wrong with them, address their FOO issues, etc. My mother just stayed on and off on Prozac, my father had major anger issues, etc.

 

But it never caused me to lose trust in them. I didn't see their sex life as a reflection or tied to me. That was seen always as between them. How they dealt with it is where it impacted me. I have never thought less of my mom for cheating. I thought less of her for staying in an unhappy marriage and not heeding the giant sign.

[Got it]

I have to disagree. I believe it is always black and white when you don't want your children to be caught in a possibly life damaging situation. I believe humans look for excuses to justify poor choices and hurtful behavior. But I do believe there are right and wrongs to all situations.

 

This doesn't make any sense. What decisions? Parents are adults and make bad decision every day. Getting in a car and getting on the roads can be a bad decision.

 

Life is far too grey that it is that absolute. There are better and worse ways of doing things but it is on a spectrum. There is no 1 perfect way and 1 bad way.

 

Honestly having kids can open the possibility that your kids can be caught in a life damaging situation. That is called life. What you do is teach your kids how to handle things and how to develop healthy coping mechanisms. You can't completely pad the walls no matter how much a parent may want to.

[Got it]

P.S. kind of off topic - but I want to say while I did decided to stay (in part) in a sometimes difficult marriage for my kids, I did not rest on this point alone. That is I decided to redouble my efforts at improving my marriage and giving my wife and the marriage all the leadership I could to make it great. Basically if I am staying I am going to be in it for all I can, try to make it work. I know that's not the point of this section or this post but in my case I am have been in this marriage with both feet. Its not been easy but I do that (improving the marriage) also "for the kids" and for my love for my wife (see my signature). I understand others have different circumstances and approaches to "staying for the kids" on how to cope and continue on with one foot in another place. Some get involved with OW or OM to fill a hole. I understand this need some MM/MW and AP's have for an affair.

 

I think this is key and where most people lack. It is one thing to stay it is WORLD'S apart to stay and actively try and work on making it better. It is a two way street and both people need to do so to be successful but it will be a positive even if one person is doing so.

 

Looking back I can see times where both my parents tried to step up and make changes but the pattern was set, hurt feelings would happen and it would be rinse and repeat. Neither one could or has overcome their FOO issues to be a good partner to someone else. They are wonderful people but suck in romantic relationships. It doesn't make them bad people. It just sucks it couldn't have been different. Not with each other. But that they couldn't have become happier people for themselves and seen what a happy and healthy relationship looks/feels like. I really wish they could have that gift. It is an amazing experience.

[peaksandvalleys]

This doesn't make any sense. What decisions? Parents are adults and make bad decision every day. Getting in a car and getting on the roads can be a bad decision.

 

Life is far too grey that it is that absolute. There are better and worse ways of doing things but it is on a spectrum. There is no 1 perfect way and 1 bad way.

 

Honestly having kids can open the possibility that your kids can be caught in a life damaging situation. That is called life. What you do is teach your kids how to handle things and how to develop healthy coping mechanisms. You can't completely pad the walls no matter how much a parent may want to.

 

I understand your point of view. I disagree. I do think there are absolutes in life. It makes sense in my life. I am somewhat successful with that point of view. I understand if it does not make sense to you.