My husband wont initiate sex

[Ninjainpajamas]

I have been with my husband a little over 2 yrs (we are in our mid 40's), when we first got together, he couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, he wanted and got sex everyday, I never turned him down, now I cant get him to initiate sex with me.

 

Look, unless the guy isn't REALLY that into you, any man is going to want ti initiate sex with you when they first are with you unless they've got some other abnormal and atypical reason not defined here.

 

This doesn't mean it's YOU, this is how men are in the beginning, because in the beginning they want to have sex with you...they never seen you, met you or had sex with you before...therefore that is a strong motivator by nature, whether they have a low sex drive, or a high sex drive, or whatever...that is normal behavior, so let's get that out of the way first.

 

I ALWAYS have to do it, once I get him going he never tells me know and the sex is still amazing every time and he agrees, he says that its always so intense and he loves our sex life, nothing is off limits either, we have a spicy sex life once I get him going. I have tried not initiating thinking he would eventually do it and after over 2 weeks, I couldn't stand it and I initiated again.

 

This is enough reason for you to believe that there is something wrong...whether you've conditioned him into a passive role by always initiating sex, or the excitement and drive simply wore off, it seems like you've done the variety of things there is to do to "spice" up your sex life, but once that gets old again it goes right back to how it used to be. But there is clearly a disconnect in communication here, meaning he's not telling you something or expressing what the problem could be...in which if it had nothing to do with you, why would he not tell you? unless he has some kind of embarrassing medical reason...which I doubt since you have sex when you initiate, so I don't see the rationale in that...but IMO he's likely just NOT that excited about being with you sexually anymore, you've got to start focusing on what's going outside the bedroom.

 

I also give him oral sex and hand jobs all the time and he very rarely returns the favor unless I ask him to do it, ( I havent gained weight either) he NEVER has to ask I'm always willing, yet he has made the comment that he should never have to ask for either one I should just do it for him, but when I say the same should be for me he agrees but still nothing. I make sure that things are the way he likes it down there as well, every day I shower a second time before he gets home, I have not let myself go either. We will be sitting watching TV and I will just go over and start giving to him without being asked, again he gets a blow job almost every other day without him asking me to do so. He will give me oral if I ask but if I dont ask I dont get it. I'm starting to feel unwanted and undesired and I want to change this I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions please.

 

Every guy will love that behavior...in the beginning, and then they burn through it and it loses it's charm, especially when it's not even a mutual expectation or he's not reciprocating in some way. Not because of the consistency you have helped him develop an expectation of a routine sexual favor.

 

I don't think he's asking if you'd like it in return, because to me it's obvious he doesn't want to return the favor. He's become complacent and lazy within the relationship, and it may even get to the point where he isn't going to be interested in sex very much at all...because after 2 years things are relatively new, it's not 5, 6 or 10 years down the road, so you're ahead of that timeline right now, imagine what it's going to be like in the future...you're going to be clawing at the pool boy or something like that eventually.

 

Based on how you describe this relationship and your behavior in the way you are handling this, I get the sense that you are the doormattish type, after all you're being one of those people who are enabling the behavior yet don't have the courage to really put your foot down and rattle the cage....you're too afraid or insecure it's something you don't want to hear, so instead you just bend, hoping whatever is in your mind will just magically work...and even worse, taking the advice of female friends on this *shudders*

 

Of course you're feeling unwanted and undesired, do you see that is however just the consequence not the root of your problems? you feel that way because he acts that way, he behaves that way, he doesn't reciprocate and yet still have his own expectations...so what do you think you're going to do..just go in there and tell him how you "feel" and he's just going to be like "Ok, sure I'll change *magical sound*, everything better now?"..."Oh of course, everything is better now, I can now go on with my life and be insecure about another aspect of the relationship that makes me feel you're into me anymore"...

 

Because really, this sounds like a sign of a deeper disconnect IMO...I don't get the sense of a lot of communication or closeness, so whenever you talk about this he probably doesn't even want to talk about it, and you just go through the routine of an argument or conversation and nothing ever changes...he takes, and you give, but you've got to take responsibility to your actions and even your behavior now that continues to perpetuate the situation, as you are enabling it...if you are serious, then you need to act serious and stick to what you say, otherwise don't even say it, because he'll just tune you out because he knows you are weak and will ultimately fold rather than actually back up whatever ultimatum you make or what not, like most women tend to do...so it ends up just being pointless and you just make yourself look like even more of a pushover.

 

I know he loves me I have no doubt, he wouldnt be with me if he didnt, I know that, he tells me he loves me several times a day, and for the most part does little things for me, hes a typical man and dont always notice the small things, but I know he cares. I just need him to show me he wants me like I show him I want him. I just dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like this.

 

Please, no mind reading here...if you know he loves you, then use the same superpower to figure out why he's not interested in intimacy with you anymore and doesn't desire it from himself. Men with half-a-brain know what they're supposed to do and say, I've seen even the village idiot figure that one out...but even worse, some guys don't even say it all, and that's when you really have to wonder what's wrong with that woman for being in that kind of relationship.

 

He may be a "typical" man, or he may just be the typical man that isn't emotionally, or sexually that interested or invested in his relationship...so what he does is just keep everything on a static, and stable line, nothing fluctuates in either direction, it just kind of flows evenly and the goal is not to simply make any waves.

 

Why is he this way? because the reality is people are in relationships that aren't really happy in but are in them anyway. Does it mean they don't care or love you? of course not, how many women you hear say that they don't believe the man they love doesn't love them back...hell, even when the man doesn't say it they still think he does by "reading" into his behavior, because we all know how GREAT they are at that

 

Look, I'm not trying to bash you, or other women here....but FFS consider something outside of the realm of what you're willing to believe, don't you get tired of asking questions when you're only going to hear the answers that fit into that small corridor of what you already hope to believe? you really want some BS answer to all your problems? you might me to write you a book about all these retarded ways you can solve relationship issues with magical female techniques? do you want me to give you some advice that goes along with what you want to hear so you can try that and in the end, end up back where you are? and then years later you're all like "I had enough...but you know...since I invested X amount of years into this, I might as well keeping going, after all...I can't walk away because of this, that and this...all things I've subconsciously done to secure my relationship, but awe it didn't work...so I'm going to feel sorry for myself now"...

 

Actions....will always speak louder than words. Excuses....will always be the reasons you lie to yourself and allow yourself to be lied to so you can continue going down the bumpy road and so you don't feel "stupid". You're in your 40's, you want to screw around and end up with a man 10 years from now that you're unhappy with? you want to throw around more "wasted" years and end up with regret and self-pity? then at least do what you can in the moment and have those hard and scary conversations, be prepared to accept the truth and only the truth so you don't have to blame yourself and this other person for lies or what not.

 

Whether it be some medical issue or he's loss of infatuation with you...you need to have these conversations regardless to get to the bottom of it, otherwise just let the years roll by and watch it slip out of your hands...but if you don't want that to happen then take action, not demand or put expectations or ultimatums on him, but by being honest with yourself and knowing what's good for YOU. Because women really need to stop trying to change, tweak and refine men to almost make them "perfect"...it's not going to happen, there is no perfect...you just need to figure out what the truth of something is, and decide whether it's something you can live with or not, then take responsibility for your own decision...rather than expecting someone else to change..just because you love them and they love you, that's not what love is about.

[Meri25]

Based on how you describe this relationship and your behavior in the way you are handling this, I get the sense that you are the doormattish type, after all you're being one of those people who are enabling the behavior yet don't have the courage to really put your foot down and rattle the cage....you're too afraid or insecure it's something you don't want to hear, so instead you just bend, hoping whatever is in your mind will just magically work...and even worse, taking the advice of female friends on this *shudders*

 

First off, I am not "doormatish" I am not afraid or insecure to "rattle the cage" I dont not have a problem speaking my mind or putting my foot down on anything, my husband and I communicate very well, we have a unique relationship, we are friends as well as "lovers", we talk about everything and anything, I do ask the tough questions even if the answer could be something I dont want hear. Second, If he didnt love me he wouldnt still be with me, he isnt the kind of guy that would stay if he wasnt happy with the relationship. I am handling things this way so I can get a good idea on how other women have handled the same situation, as I have found this is extremely common, my situation isnt unique with what is happening.

 

This is enough reason for you to believe that there is something wrong...whether you've conditioned him into a passive role by always initiating sex, or the excitement and drive simply wore off, it seems like you've done the variety of things there is to do to "spice" up your sex life, but once that gets old again it goes right back to how it used to be.

 

The sex is always great, he tells me every time how intense it is and that he cant get enough, if he was that bored or not interested in me then he wouldnt care or notice when I DONT initiate, in fact this morning, he text me and asked what was up, he hasn't gotten any in 4 days and thats unusual, and I told him point blank why, and he said wow he didnt realize that was happening, and is going to make a concerted effort to change it. Now that I have talked to others who are going thru the same thing I had a better way of how to address it. My husband will NOT sugar coat anything he tells it like it is, he is brutally honest so if he was bored or not interested he would say it he loves what I am giving him or pure and simple he wouldnt be with me. And I am not putting blinders on, I know him very well, because we have a very close relationship and do talk about everything.

 

I also know from what other people have told me that there are probably other things going on that has nothing to do with me, such as medications, job stress, and other issues. And they were right, I did some investigating because of the help from others on here the advice they gave me and I have more answers. Now I am better equipped on how to approach things. Just because someone asks for help in a forum such as this dont mean they are doormatish, or insecure, it can mean that they purely need some ides on how to approach things, it has NOTHING to do with not asking because I wont like the answers, it has everything to do with not wanting to point the finger and make someone feel bad about what is going on, and still express what I am feeling and get my point across the correct way, how to approach things diplomatically when you love someone you have to take their feelings into consideration as well as your own, being open and honest and try to resolve the issue together even if you wont like what you hear.

 

In the end my husband and I are in this together, and the last thing I want to do is make him feel horrible about what is going on, Yes I want to change things and I have no problem asking the tough questions even if I will not like the answers, but asking questions here helps me know what questions to ask him so HE dont get all defensive. Just because I take his feeling into consideration dont mean I am weak or will bend to suit him, thats part of being in a relationship.

[Ninjainpajamas]

First off, I am not "doormatish" I am not afraid or insecure to "rattle the cage" I dont not have a problem speaking my mind or putting my foot down on anything, my husband and I communicate very well, we have a unique relationship, we are friends as well as "lovers", we talk about everything and anything, I do ask the tough questions even if the answer could be something I dont want hear.

 

Right, your relationship is so UNIQUE, that you're having a very typical problem that all these other couples have...and we all know you can't find just about anything you want to if you look hard enough for it, but I guess you've done your "research" and are ready to tackle all your sexual relationship problems. Especially advice from women, who LOVE to speculate how men work like scheming criminals, more than they actually desire listening to men...because men never seem to want give the same simplistic encouraging and hopeful "solutions" or easy to follow remedies.

 

The famous solution "Just wait and see what happens next.." and we all know how super effective that technique is..

 

I know this is a mind-blowing concept for some people to understand, but if you have something that is unique, and communication is spectacular, then you know, it actually has some kind of affect or consequence in the actual relationship (it's so common to hear among women proclaim this and that great thing, yet so little of the time does it actually prove to be true) but it's not just for FB and the social media ya know or to convince and the world in general...it should actually translate to something in real life instead of just your own head...it's not just for self-reassurance and feel-good times, otherwise why would things simply go down the "typical" path? at some point you got to take a reality check and reassess the fiction from reality, don't you think? otherwise it's not supposed to make sense, because basically it's not adding up...if this were true then the much more likely result would be A) they never get to that point in the first place or B) they've resolved their issues through communication...because that's what's supposed to happen for it to make sense.

 

No but for you, you've got this awesome level of communication even though it looks incredibly average and you act out insecurely, but this like wonderful relationship and all of that...but for some reason this is like a really touchy and sensitive issues for him you say even though you've like brought it up multiple times?... because I mean on one hand you're saying you're not afraid to ask questions, totally secure in yourself even though it's obvious you're not and have this multi-layered relationship...and then on the other hand you're saying that you've addressed this several times and it's never worked (as predicated, obvious prediction) because he's just ignored that and things went back to being..."broken"...but now recently there's this like "revelation" taking place and he's like "Ohhh, well why didn't you say so honey? I'll go change that now" because that's sooo much better than understanding the reason why he stopped initiating in the first place

 

Everything you're saying seems like a process of convincing yourself, you have all these ways of justifying your relationship, and although on some level I'm sure you've got open communication with things that don't threaten his relationship with you, I struggle to see the logic in struggling with this particular problem if that was truly so...it must not be as good as you think it is and that's going to really hurt you, or has the great potential to, because if you're mind and heart are too far connected from reality, then it's just a ticking time-bomb.

 

Now according to your last post you're twisting this into a situation where it's all about your husband and his feelings...like how did that even happen? if he trusts you and you two are close, don't you think he'd be comfortable sharing something personal with you? if there was a problem. It sounds like you're just doing the very typical behavior of trying to find some external things to blame this problem with, as if he is not initiating sex with you because of just stress at work and what not...I mean you never even mentioned any of those things in the beginning...but now suddenly and miraculously (no coincidence whatsoever I'm sure) now you've got this list of reasons he may be behaving this way and now you think you have a greater understanding of how he feels? without having even fully discussed this issue with him in detail, actually gaining any transparency on it? you know that men avoid direct questions when avoiding direct answers...right?

 

Look, good luck with your bag of tricks in fixing this, I doubt this last "enlightenment" period is going to last for him and I suspect you'll be back at square one eventually, I hope you'll lay all those feelings out on the table so you might actually do something that works...otherwise I don't think you're really going to get anywhere with this, and honestly, I know what you're really looking for out of this and you need to express that to him so he knows.

 

*hint* the issue is bigger than sex related

[SJS]

My guy goes in spurts too, not sure if he gets lazy or just has other things on his mind. What I do is try a little teasing...things like purposely bending over in a way that he could see down my shirt or wear a tank top with a push up bra, wear my lower-cut pants that show butt cleavage when I squat down...things I'm aware of covering up when out in public but "innocently" have it happen in front of him to give him some peaks. It gets his attention and he's the type that if he sees my boob, he has to touch it. lol. It carries over to the bedroom then.

 

 

What I've noticed is that even if communication is good, it still hits their ego a little bit. So I try being playful and flirty first, and try to make him want me. Simple yet effective.

[Meri25]

Right, your relationship is so UNIQUE, that you're having a very typical problem that all these other couples have...

*hint* the issue is bigger than sex related

 

Just because we have a unique relationship dont mean we cant have a typical issue, as I said in my post, I didnt know what was going on I did some investigating and found some things out, There are certain things he dont like to discuss, his job for example, he dont like to bring his work home, so if something is bothering him at work he dont like to talk about it because its work related. That dont mean we dont communicate well. We do have a great level of communication, I respect the fact that he dont like to talk about certain things and I wont force him to, not wanting to talk about something in particular has nothing to do with how good or bad your communication level is that being said if its something related to our relationship it is always discussed, and yes I have brought this particular issue up to him several times, and things do get better for a time and goes back to the way it was, the reason I asked in this particular forum is I wanted more input, how to bring it up again and if I was going about it the right way etc. and also there's comfort in knowing other couples are having similar issues. I never said this was a touchy or sensitive subject for him, when I have brought it up in the past he will openly talk about it with me. I dont see how you think I am acting out insecurely, I asked people for advice on how to handle a situation period, I have laid everything out for him asked questions that you think that I dont want to hear the real answers to (because you know me so well) and pushed some more. To the point he got angry, yeah thats insecure.

 

Yes I wanted to know how to go about finding out what was going on for my sake to make me feel better about his actions, but I have always been aware of my husbands feelings never once did I say I was out to hurt him, I love him way to much to not take him into consideration obviously he has things going on that is causing this behavior, and I found some things out, after several people telling me what to look for etc, and if you read any other posts you would have noticed others telling me what to look for and suggested things to check out. So yes maybe it was coincidence, but when asking for advice I listen and act on it.

 

The issue isnt sex related? Good job Captain Obvious

[Meri25]

Thats funny that you mentioned that, before I met my husband I never dressed like that, sexy, he made me feel so great about myself, that I started dressing sexy and omg he noticed big time. I would do that show a little cleavage a little butt and it would drive him nuts. I still dress that way, because I am very secure in who I am, but I dont always get the reaction I used to, unless he notices some other guy notice then he grabs my butt or my boobs and makes it clear I am with him. Every once in a while he will just grab my butt while we are in public, and he shows in other ways he wants me ect. Its just that one area thats driving me nuts. But thank you for the advice.

[blueskyday]

I had that situation once. I love sex, so it made me sad. I whined, tried hard to be even more of a sex kitten, and became a therapist asking " what is upsetting you outside the bedroom? Tell me what I'm doing wrong???? Tell me."

 

It got worse with the pressure. I upped the number of blow jobs and hand jobs. I got nothing in return for months and months! Great sex, yes, but no real foreplay, and I still initiated every time. I felt undesirable. After a while, I felt mad. Either talk to me or f#ck me!

 

So I cut him off from bjs and hand jobs. I told him I was into reciprocity. If he touched me, I would touch him. I stopped trying to get his sexual attention. Of course, I continued to look pretty and sexy. I acted completely uninterested in sex. I would even yawn at bedtime and tell him how tired I was. I usually would have jumped on him.

 

After a week, he made a weak pass at me, but I acted uninterested. Nice, smiley, but not "in the mood." Long story short, he started asking me what I needed to be in the mood. He began to pursue me again.

 

I tell you this because he knew why I was upset and he wasn't changing his behavior. I stopped trying to fix it. It was up to him. Maybe he needed to chase a bit, or appreciate what he had taken for granted, or communicate with me about a problem with me...but HE needed to do something!

 

Same with you. You've done your part communicating your needs to him. He needs to do something! That's being a good, responsive partner.

 

Also, you are no doubt sexy and desirable. Any smart guy knows he needs to make sure his woman feels that way...and knows she is the most desirable woman in the world in his eyes!

Edited July 10, 2014 by blueskyday

[pteromom]

I have been with my husband a little over 2 yrs (we are in our mid 40's), when we first got together, he couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, he wanted and got sex everyday, I never turned him down, now I cant get him to initiate sex with me.

 

Walk around the house naked, or buy something really skimpy and cute.

 

Seriously though, if being very clear that you want him to initiate doesn't work, I don't know... maybe come up with a code word that you could text him to let him know you are in the mood and that he should plan on initiating sex that night?

 

I also give him oral sex and hand jobs all the time and he very rarely returns the favor unless I ask him to do it, ( I havent gained weight either) he NEVER has to ask I'm always willing, yet he has made the comment that he should never have to ask for either one I should just do it for him, but when I say the same should be for me he agrees but still nothing.

 

Then you need to ask. Or tell him in a very sexy way during sex to get down there.

 

Any suggestions please.

 

- keep communicating

- be blunt about what you want

- enjoy what you have (if you are having great sex but just have to get him started, that's not so bad, and you can choose to be grateful for that!)

[central]

Someone mentioned it, but there was no follow-up: have him get his testosterone levels checked. Anything under 600 to 700 is low, even if well within "normal" range. Without sufficient T, sex is simply not going to enter his mind very much. Without adequate T, he's not going to think to initiate.

[Meri25]

I had a nice long talk with him 2 days ago, I totally stopped initiating, after 4 days of no sex, no oral no nothing, he text me and asked what was up, so I told him, he needs to step up period. I did some investigating and I asked him questions and I found out that he is really frustrated with where we live, we are in West Michigan, and he hates the winters here, he wants to move out of state, he has no family here and I do, and I am not real hip on leaving, I have a 1 yr old granddaughter and my kids and parents that are here and I want to stay here. He didnt want to tell me because he knows that I really dont want to go. Also some meds he is taking are throwing things off as well, he is going to go to the doc to see if he has low T as well and see if they can tweek his meds. However I am happy to say that at least for now the last 2 nights, he has stepped up, I was very blunt with him that he needs to be more aggressive and initiate, I didnt have to tell him I wasnt going to any more until he picked it up, I think he figured it out, when I stopped and he asked me why, and he did initiate sex both nights, and this morning he told me that after we get back from the casino, I'd better watch out, hes feeling a bit frisky again. Its a start, I praised him and told him how fantastic it was and he REALLY needs to keep it up. He did apologize and said he does think about doing it but sometimes I get to it first and sometimes hes just being lazy, The last few times I talked to him about it he would initiate once or twice and thats it, hopefully this time will be better, I havent won the war, but I won a battle.

[Brigid]

Its not about keeping score, I want to feel wanted and desired again, him not initiating is taking its toll, if your SO never approached you and never made you feel wanted or sexy or anything it wouldnt feel very good after a while, it wears down on your psyche and makes you second guess if there is something wrong with you.

 

I understand. My husband has a low sex drive which has gotten lower as he's gotten older and now he really doesn't have too much interest in sex. He often tells me I'm beautiful and sexy but the fact that he doesn't want sex makes me feel very undesirable. I don't feel sexy anymore and have given up on having passion in my life. I'm in my 40's so I guess it isn't so bad. I try and tell myself that that part of my life is over and I need to move on to other activities.

 

I'm not saying my solution is right for you. You need to figure out what you can and cannot live with and proceed from there.