Would guilt explain this behavior?

[Kid_Charlemange]

My ex and I have a lot of mutual friends, and we live less than two miles from each other.

 

We were together for a couple of years. Went into a sort of poorly-defined "time out" status after a while, which had some ground rules. As in, if one of knows it's over, we say so, and that if we meet someone else, we tell the other partner right away and not let them find out through gossip. This status went on for a few months, during which we were pretty much inseparable. Literally hanging out five days a week; dinner at least three nights a week; spending every weekend together; went on two vacations together; slept in the same bed at least 20 times (no sex or nudity, just snuggling). She kept saying "thanks for being patient," and "I just need a little more time" and once, even, "I think about when we're back together all the time."

 

Then one weekend, she picked up a stranger at a bar and took him home. Met another guy the next night, and while I don't think they hooked up, they did go on at least one date.

 

I didn't find out about this for a couple of weeks, and when I did, it was through group gossip. Her reaction was that were completely broken up, just friends, and she said I "misinterpreted" all of the comments she made ("When I said 'I just need some more time,' I meant 'I just need some more time before I start dating other men.'") She completely denied agreeing to the ground rules.

 

It got ugly. She got very defensive. I didn't handle things well, as I was pretty shocked. She was downright vicious at the end, telling me that no woman would "settle" for me -- let alone her. And a lot of other things that don't matter, that just sets the tone.

 

OK, now fast forward. After months of NC, we ran into each other a few times. Each one was progressively less awkward. The third one, we actually had a decent time. Shared some drinks, split a pizza, and had some laughs.

 

Not long after that, I took a job thousands of miles away. Told her (and our mutual friends) this info at a wedding. My ex seemed uncomfortable. So I wrote her a very nice email, that expressed the following:

-I'm glad we're not parting as enemies

-I'm glad we had a chance to normalize somewhat

-I am past everything

-I actually understand a lot of your decisions

-I'm embarrassed by my overreaction

-I've chosen to remember us by the good times, as they far outweigh the bad; I even point out that if you add up all the hours when we fought or argued, it's less than 24 hours. Less than one day out of two years

-I list a few of the good times, things that always make me smile

-I tell her she was an important part of my life, and that I'd never forget her

 

That's it. What I didn't do was:

-Blame anyone for anything

-Say "Let's stay in touch"

-Say "Let's get together one last time"

-Use the word "forgive"

-Make any mention of anything negative at all

 

Her reaction? Immediately blocked on FB, and soon after that, my phone number.

 

I was on the road for two months. The out of town job fell through, and I wound up back in our little town. Ran into her a party. Not only would she not talk to me, she didn't even make eye contact. For six hours.

 

A month later, ran into her again. This time she said hello. We wound up talking, awkwardly at first, but then a little more easily. After an hour I asked what it was that had upset her. She said it was the email, but wouldn't get into why. I let it go...

 

Since then, we've run into each other a few times. She goes from frosty to somewhat friendly. I'm still blocked. I did, however, email her a notification for an open casting call (she's a part-time actress) for a TV show. No response.

 

My conclusion: Every time I'm nice to her, it ticks her off. There is a inverse relationship to my friendliness and her hostility.

 

So it's been over six months, and her behavior still confuses me. There's really no way I'm the "bad guy" from what happened last year. And even though I'm under no obligation to do so, I extended a couple of olive branches, which were slapped away. The only thing I can think of, is that she lied to herself and our friends about what she did, insisting she did nothing wrong, and that I was the one who made a big deal out it. She's had some success with that strategy. But, deep down, she knows it's a lie, and seeing me being all chill and friendly just makes her feel worse, as it's creating cognitive dissonance.

 

Why do I care? It's just awkward with so many mutual friends. And I'm naturally curious -- this was a woman I loved like no other, and wanted, at one point, to spend the rest of my life with. For a while, we really did seem to "get" each other. And I can't reconcile this behavior with the person I knew... or thought I did.

 

Apologies for the length of the post.

[Chi townD]

Dude, let cut through the BS and get to the foundation on why you two aren't together.

 

 

She strung you along and then took guys home from the bar and screwed them. You find out, and even though you pretty much spent everyday together as if you two were a couple, her excuse is that you two weren't together so what she does and with whom is none of your damn business.

 

 

So, if it were me, I wouldn't want to hang around a girl like that and I don't know why you would want to either. If I were you, I would be on the look out for more out of town employment. Preferably, somewhere warm and on a beach.

 

 

Only this time, don't tell her you're leaving, just go! Just like it's none of your damn business who she takes home from the bar, it's none of her damn business where you move to. You owe her nothing.

[Kid_Charlemange]

All valid points.

 

I really have no desire to hang out with her, although I will confess there was a period of time when I thought about getting back with her. That time has passed, and I think that's healthy.

 

I might move away, it depends on the job situation (one of the issues she brought up before our "phase II" was that I don't make as much money as her... wow, on paper she sounds like a prize, doesn't she?). I don't want to move away because of her. I don't want her to have that kind of power over me. I just want things to be less awkward with our mutual friends.

 

Which brings up a sore point... I really thought those mutual friends would have shown her a cold shoulder. A few did. The rest didn't really seem to care. Maybe I'm self-righteous, but I think if a buddy's GF treated him that way, I'd be a little frosty to that GF from then on... but that's another topic.

[Chi townD]

Even more reason to move on and start over. Let's list it again. After you called her out for "cheating" on you. She turned vicious and blasted you.

 

 

So, lets list it.

 

 

No girl would settle for you, not even her.

She rags on you that she makes more money than you.

 

 

Now, your friends don't give her the cold shoulder for her behavior. My guess? She probably painted you in a bad light so they understood her actions because you're "apparently an abusive asshat".

 

 

All the more reason to leave in my book. Start looking online for a job. You're on the east coast; go south. Move to Florida and start fresh.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Chi townD

[life-is-short]

She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. You were her backup plan and she probably enjoyed the emotional connection and attention you gave her and then she could enjoy other men's physical connection.

 

You would be wise to stay far away from her. Absolute NC. Move on with your life. Women like that are trouble. It's hard to move on, but you must. As the saying goes, she's "just not into you" and keeping contact will likely only mean she'll use you or play games with you.

 

Sad that there are people out there like this, but there are many like this. Thankfully, there are also many wonderful women out there who don't play such strange mind games...go find yourself one of those and move on from this one.

[Simon Phoenix]

All I see when I read this is a guy trying way too hard to maintain a relationship, even a cordial one, with a woman who clearly does not value him. Stop worrying about how she perceives you and live your life. Stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Stop analyzing her behavior and trying to make this happen. There is no reason you have to have a relationship with this person -- a person who has gone out of her way to hurt you through her words and actions -- so stop trying to have one.

 

As for your mutual friends, they can do whatever they want. And maybe they aren't as aghast over what she did to you when you were in your weird friendzone stage because they realized how ridiculous it was for you to even agree to such an arrangement. I don't think it was just her that was guilty of deception -- I think you were deceiving yourself at that stage and maybe they realize that.

 

I know I sound harsh, but this is something you really need to let go of immediately. Stop trying to cowtow to this woman and project a certain image. Stop trying to make sense of something that needs to die.

[Kid_Charlemange]

She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. You were her backup plan and she probably enjoyed the emotional connection and attention you gave her and then she could enjoy other men's physical connection.

 

I think you are 100% correct. She seems to put men in roles, and when a man plays two roles in her life, she gets scared. Which was why (I think) she decided to end the relationship -- then immediately reversed that decision, and spent the fall with me. Then I was only "one role." I was the perfect friend, and we got along great. I was safe.

 

The guy she picked up, whose last name she doesn't know? He's safe too, as it's "just sex," as she called it.

 

Now, the few times I make a joke about "great friendship; not many benefits?" I got her mad. Really mad. And when I was having that last fight with her, she brought that up -- the thought of sex with me made her angry; the thought of sex with some literal stranger, no big deal. Can't have both roles filled.

 

Oddly enough, I didn't come up with this theory. My therapist did. And you nailed it with very little data. Good on ya

 

You would be wise to stay far away from her. Absolute NC.

 

Well, I have, except when it's unavoidable. And it's hard to avoid, since she has me blocked on FB... our mutual friends plan events, and I don't know if she's going to be there. Sometimes I ask other friends, but that looks kind of pathetic.

 

I've moved on. I've dated a number of nice women since my ex and I split. I'm going out with one tonight, third date, whom I really like and rather hope it goes somewhere. I'm over my ex. My question was really based on curiosity more than anything else; her hostility towards me now just doesn't make much sense.

 

I've already reversed my previous behavior; her birthday was a couple weeks ago, and I let it go by. No email, no card, nothing. We will be at the same pool party on the fourth, and I will be polite, but nothing more. I've been far nicer than I needed to be. No more.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

I know I sound harsh

 

Not at all, you sound very realistic.

 

I think your comment about the friend's reactions (or lack therof) makes sense. They didn't know about the agreements (which of course she now denies). All they saw was, Sally and Bob kinda/sorta split, but Bob is still hanging on, being patient with her. Hell, maybe she had other hookups, ones I didn't know about. It's not unreasonable.

 

No, you're not harsh at all. My behavior was pathetic. I left out some details about myself, but suffice it to say that I wasn't in my most self-confident modes back then, nor was I taking some medication that I really should take daily (and have been, since I found out about her hookup(s). I've completely restarted my life, been dating other women, working out, losing weight, learning new skills, yada-yada. I feel pretty good about myself now, and looking back at the way I let her string me along, it's embarrassing. I had all of my self-esteem wrapped up in that relationship, and that's not healthy.

 

Hmm. Maybe that's another reason she's hostile now; she's realized I'm not the pushover I once was, and she misses having power over me. Oh well -- who knows. Like I said, it's more curiosity than anything else. I can explain virtually all of her previous behaviors, but this one stumps me. *shrug*

[Simon Phoenix]

Not at all, you sound very realistic.

 

I think your comment about the friend's reactions (or lack therof) makes sense. They didn't know about the agreements (which of course she now denies). All they saw was, Sally and Bob kinda/sorta split, but Bob is still hanging on, being patient with her. Hell, maybe she had other hookups, ones I didn't know about. It's not unreasonable.

 

No, you're not harsh at all. My behavior was pathetic. I left out some details about myself, but suffice it to say that I wasn't in my most self-confident modes back then, nor was I taking some medication that I really should take daily (and have been, since I found out about her hookup(s). I've completely restarted my life, been dating other women, working out, losing weight, learning new skills, yada-yada. I feel pretty good about myself now, and looking back at the way I let her string me along, it's embarrassing. I had all of my self-esteem wrapped up in that relationship, and that's not healthy.

 

Hmm. Maybe that's another reason she's hostile now; she's realized I'm not the pushover I once was, and she misses having power over me. Oh well -- who knows. Like I said, it's more curiosity than anything else. I can explain virtually all of her previous behaviors, but this one stumps me. *shrug*

 

Like I said before, it's a waste of time to try to figure it out. I mean, we've all been there, but trying to figure out what another person is thinking and why they're thinking it is one of the biggest wastes of time on this planet. It's best you just let this go -- even if you did find out the answer, then what?

[Kid_Charlemange]

It's best you just let this go -- even if you did find out the answer, then what?

 

Valid questions.

 

1. Her hostility might be in reaction to something I did, that I haven't considered. If so, I don't want to repeat that error with the next relationship.

 

2. Maybe sending her the email really was a dbag move, and I just don't realize it.

 

3. We're never going to be friends again, but I dislike having enemies.

 

Like I said... it's not like this keeps me up at night.

[Simon Phoenix]

Valid questions.

 

1. Her hostility might be in reaction to something I did, that I haven't considered. If so, I don't want to repeat that error with the next relationship.

 

2. Maybe sending her the email really was a dbag move, and I just don't realize it.

 

3. We're never going to be friends again, but I dislike having enemies.

 

Like I said... it's not like this keeps me up at night.

 

An error with her -- if that even exists -- wouldn't necessarily be an error with someone else. You shouldn't have written the email, just because writing that kind of stuff to exes is extremely lame and counterproductive. And honestly, not everyone in the world is going to like you, so it's an utter waste of time to inquire into this.

 

It might not keep you up at night, but if it's concerning you enough to start a thread about it on a relationship website, well, that doesn't really pass the smell test.