Sharing My Story - 2 Months Post-Break Up

[seaburg]

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me a little over two months ago, and after discovering LS about a week ago and reading through countless threads I’ve decided it’s time to share my story with everyone. It’s going to be a long one because I kind of just want to get everything out once and for all. So thanks in advance if you read all the way through it, as I really appreciate any feedback anyone is willing to give me!

 

Background:

Last June, a co-worker/friend of ours informed me of how big a crush she had on me. I had always felt like there was a mutual attraction, but because of the age difference (I was 21 and she was 18) I had never made a move. However, after hearing how interested she was in me, I decided to give it a go because I had always had a crush on her myself. We went on a few dates and discovered we had tons in common, really enjoyed spending time with each other. However, I go to college 7 hours from home and knew that I would be leaving at the end of August to start my senior year, and that she would be staying at a local school starting her freshman year. So after one of our first dates, I told her that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, not wanting to do long distance (I had a previous bad experience with it in the past), and she agreed.

 

Another important factor for her not wanting to get too serious is that she had gone through a rough break-up herself with her first long term boyfriend back in march.

 

Anyways, we were both on the same page. For the rest of the summer, we hung out and enjoyed our time with each other.

 

Things were great and I was starting to really like this girl.

 

About a month in to us seeing each other, she invites me on her family vacation. I go, and we have the time of our lives. When we leave, she tells me that she is starting to have serious feelings for me after seeing how much her family liked me, and the fun that we had together. I agree.

 

Now we have just 2 weeks left before I have to go up to school, and we spend just about every day together. Both at work and in our free time we’re inseparable.

 

Probably 2 nights before I leave, we talk about what we’re going to do when I leave. She tells me she really wants to be with me, and I tell her the same thing. So we make things official and vow that we’ll be able to work through the distance.

 

School starts, and it’s your typical long distance relationship. We text each other everyday, and talk on the phone or facetime a couple times a week. Neither of us are the jealous type, so there’s never any problems or worries on both ends about what the other is doing, plenty of trust between both of us. Things are as fantastic as a LD relationship can be. She visits for long weekends and I come home for the holidays where we spend just about every bit of free time together.

At this point I’ll say that even though we were apart from each other, I find myself falling more and more for this girl. In fact, I really start to LOVE her. I’ve never been one to use the word love lightly, but I knew for absolute sure that I was in love with this girl. Even being away from her for so long, it never crossed my mind to find another girl at school (and I will say I went out to the bars very regularly with all my friends). When we would talk about this, she said that she felt the same way, always telling me and my family back home how lucky she was to have me in her life. We missed each other terribly while I was away, but I was so happy to be with her.

 

Come Valentine’s Day, I drive down to see her and stay at her dorm for the weekend. Dinner and the first night together are great, but then the first very major red flag arises. The night after Valentine’s Day, we go out with her friends. Drinking is involved, and for most of the night things are perfect. But at the end of the night, we are drunkenly walking home when out of nowhere she begins to pick a fight (We have never had a serious fight before this and I don’t even remember what it was about, something meaningless). This goes on until we get back to her room, and that’s where she tells me that she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes that her mom made when she was younger.

Her mom met a guy in college, transferred schools for him, and married him after graduation. A few years later they got a divorce because she realized she was only still with him to make him happy.

She goes on to say she doesn’t know how to feel about us because she’s scared she’s going to follow in her mothers footsteps. This all really upsets me, but I get her to calm down and tell her that she’s not her mother, and that I love her. She apologizes and we go to bed. The rest of the weekend, I can’t get out of my mind the fact that this girl that I thought things were so perfect with was having thoughts other than us being perfect. I try not to let it get to me, and reassure her how much she means to me and how much I love her before I leave. She says she knows I love her, and that she was sorry she ever brought in doubts up.

The next few weeks I worry about the events that happened that drunken night but try not to think too into it. We talk as usual and everything seems fine. In fact, I think she starts to show her affection for me even more, realizing she had made a mistake over VDay.

 

Spring break comes around and we go on a trip together to Florida. I still am worrying about the things that she said, and it is starting to really get to me. I know I love this girl with all my heart, and I believe that the two of us are perfect for each other, but I can feel myself distancing myself from her and I know she notices it too. Our trip included some of our best times as well as some of our worst fights. I can feel myself putting distance between us and I start second guessing whether things are going to work out myself.

 

After break and back at school, our communication continues, except I can feel it getting more and more sparse. We run out of things to text each other about and talk on the phone and facetime less and less. I start really wondering whether or not we are going to work, but can’t get myself to really consider anything drastic because I know in my heart that I truly love her and that soon enough all this hard work will pay off when I will be back home for an entire summer together.

Mid-April comes around, and we get in a drunken fight over text message. I make some jabs at her for hanging around and drinking all night with a guy that we work with (even though I know nothing is going on between them, I really just don’t like the guy). The next day she’s really upset and asks me if we were going to talk about what had happened the night before. I tell her I didn’t really know what there was to talk about, and that I didn’t mean to start any arguments with her. She says fine, but then a few hours later she calls me…

 

On the phone she tells me that she’s not happy with where our relationship is and that she thinks we need to take a break until the semester is over and I am back home. I apologize for the fight the night before but she sticks to wanting the break. She says that I need to prove that I truly love her, because lately she is starting to feel otherwise. I tell her I do love her with all my heart, but she sticks to the break and tells me if I do then I need to fight for her.

 

A few hours pass and she texts me: she tells me how big of a mistake she made and that she doesn’t want to be on a break with me because she loves me. She says she is just unhappy with where our relationship is right now, but believes that it’s just a rough patch that we can work through.

 

Looking back now I wish she had let me suffer and think about the break more than just a few hours. At the time, when she texted me saying she made a mistake, all it did to me was confirm how much she wanted to be with me, made me believe I couldn’t possibly lose her. I was an idiot and hadn’t even had a chance to think about what I had lost yet.

 

Anyways, I tell her I’m glad that we can work through this and that I want her to be happy. I then go on to tell her that I think she needs to put more of an effort in to texting and calling me more often because I feel like I’m doing all of the work (can’t believe that after she gave me another chance, I told her what she needed to do better…). She agrees and we pick back up where we left off.

The week following, it seems to me like things are improving, I’m conscious of telling her how much she means to me more, and we are talking and having fun conversations more like we used to early in our relationship. But one week after the “break” she gives me another call…

 

She starts off by telling me she doesn’t think she can come visit next weekend anymore like we had planned. I ask her why and that’s when she tells me we need to break up. “Not a break? Just straight break up?” I ask. She confirms and says we shouldn’t talk anymore, even throughout the summer when I get back. I ask her what happened, and she tells me that we are in different parts of our lives. That she doesn’t want to keep me from moving to California or getting a job just because of her. Also, that she feels like she needs to experience college single like I did because she thinks that’s something everyone needs to live. I don’t have much to say at this point. I tell her I wish she would rethink this, but if it’s what she really wants then so be it. She told me it is what she wants, and if I want to talk about it later then we could. I get off the phone with her, and it feels so real this time, not like the week before.

 

At first I think that maybe this is for the best. Then I get up the next morning and realize my world has been flipped upside down. Last night was the first time in 8 months I didn’t tell her goodnight. I felt so helpless being so far away.

For the days ahead reality started to set in. I started to realize all of this was my fault; I had pushed her away from me slowly and caused her to be unhappy. I was full of guilt of everything that I had done over the past weeks. All the arguments I started, and all the tears I had caused her. So two days later I called her and apologized for everything. I told her she was my best friend and that I was so sorry I hadn’t treated her that way. I told her that I figured it was too late for me to tell her all this, but that I had to in order to clear my guilt. She said, that’s what she wanted to hear, but she couldn’t go back on this.

I’m miserable, can’t focus on school, can’t focus on anything besides her. I’ve realized that all the doubts I had in my mind were no longer there, this girl means too much to me to let go. I love her after all, so I decided to prove it and fight for her like she had told me to do 2 weeks earlier. I woke up at 5AM and drive 400 miles to see her and prove to her how much she means to me. I knew it was a bold move surprising her like that, but the risk was worth the reward. I get to her dorm, call her and tell her I’m outside. As you can imagine, she can’t believe that I drove all that way to see her. But that doesn’t mean she was happy about it. In fact she was the opposite of happy. I tell her that I did it because it was the biggest gesture I could think to make in order to prove how much I love her. She tells me that’s not what it’s about, that she needs space and truly believes that we are in different times of our lives. She gives me a kiss and hugs me goodbye, telling me that she thinks I am perfect for her, just not at this time in her life. She tells me that she thinks we could be together again in the future, but for now this is something she needs to do.

 

I don’t understand this reasoning at all. I never tried to stop her from going out and having fun at school, in fact I encouraged it. The only thing I could see her missing out on was hooking up with other guys. She assures me that she wasn’t doing this because of another guy in particular, and told me that she wasn’t doing it so that she could go wild and hook up with tons of guys either. I believed her when she said this, because I’ve never had any reason not to trust her, and I know her personality is not the type to hook up with random people. It still didn’t make sense to me though. I asked if this was because of what happened to her mom, but she denied and said it’s just something she has to do, she can’t explain it, because she doesn’t know exactly what it is herself.

 

From here, I know there is nothing I can do. I go no contact. I talk to her mom soon after, because we are rather close, and she tells me everything my now ex did: That I’m the perfect guy for her and that she’s just confused right now, but this is what she needs to do at this point in her life.

 

2 more weeks of school go by. I go out and try to make the most of being single, but I just can’t enjoy myself. Classes finally come to an end and I make the trip back home for the summer.

 

It’s been just over two weeks now since I’ve heard from my ex. I decide that maybe now that I’m back for the summer she’ll be willing to at least talk to me. I send her a casual funny text unrelated to anything from the past few weeks. At first her response is positive and it seems like she’s willing to chat with me, but then she tells me that she can’t act like nothing happened; that we need to give each other space so we can both move on. I tell her ok, and ask her to think over the idea that it was the distance between us that pulled us apart and not that we weren’t right for each other.

 

A week later I get a text from her out of the blue about a concert she’s at. I respond back short and sweet, and get the feeling that maybe she’s starting to come around if she’s sending me messages for no reason like this.

 

Another week goes by without hearing from her. Every day is hell. I can’t eat, I don’t enjoy my hobbies, and I feel like I bring everyone around me down with my depression. So I decide to reach out once more and ask her if we can sit down to talk about what happened, as I felt like we never really did that in person. She agrees and I go to her house. I again tell her how much I messed up and took her for granted. I remind her of the amazing times we once had before all this happened, and I reminded her of when she told me she believed that we could work through this. Throughout me talking she could barely look me in the eyes. She told me she didn’t feel the same way about us anymore and that I shouldn’t dwell on the good times we had together. And again she could give me no reason as to why she wanted the break up to happen, only because she felt being single right now is something she needs to do for herself. I ask her if she stopped loving me and if that was the reason she did this. She said she didn’t stop loving me. I again asked her if there was someone else, and again she said no. I apologized for bothering her and left.

 

2 weeks pass with no contact. Then on a Friday evening I get a text from her, “Hi”. I wait until the next morning to reply to make sure she wasn’t just drunkenly texting me. She doesn’t reply back again all day Saturday and Sunday. All weekend my mind is racing trying to figure out why she would send that text to me and then have the audacity to not reply with even an excuse for doing so. So Sunday night I text her once again, asking her why she is texting me, and then not responding to me. I knew it was a bad idea to question this, but I had to know! She texts back immediately and says she’s sorry for upsetting me; that she didn’t mean to send it.

 

1 more week goes by with no contact. This time it’s Saturday night and I can’t stop myself from texting her. A simple light conversation. She replies back with single words so I get out after just a couple messages. At least she replied to me I thought to myself.

 

At this point it’s been almost two months since we broke up and I don’t feel any better about where I am emotionally. So I write a letter to her. I figure I’m not progressing doing what I’m doing and I’m losing hope that she’ll come back to me, so if I give her a letter I can let that be my final thoughts and then go full no contact once and for all. The letter basically tells her that I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with her, and that there will always be a place in my heart for her. Overall, I don’t regret giving her the letter because it says exactly how I feel and let her know that I’ll be her for her should she ever need me. I then went on to email her mother, thanking her for all the support she gave me throughout the school year (she had helped me a lot, and we had become close as well). I also don’t regret anything I said in that email. However, I do regret giving the letter and the email to her mother during the same time frame. Looking back, I could see them taking that as me trying to scheme some sort of plan, even though my intentions really were just to try and close things off for me. Well, she reacted to the letter exactly how I expected her to. About 5 days after I dropped it off for her, she sent me a text telling me she understands how I feel but she doesn’t feel the same way. She said that we can’t contact each other anymore because I need to move on. I agreed and told her that’s the reason I wanted to write the letter.

 

That was 8 days ago now, and I plan to go full no contact indefinitely.

 

 

Analysis:

I do still blame myself for the outcome. I wish that I would have never taken her for granted and pushed her away. I wish that I would have seen how serious she was when she told me she was unhappy with our relationship. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and that’s on both of us, but I could have started less arguments and done things differently.

I believe that we were perfect for each other. She was my first love, but we had so much in common. I chalk the problems we had at the end of our relationship to the distance we had between us. 8 months of being that far apart takes its toll. Had we not had the distance between us, I truly believe things would be different. Part of me thinks that my ex feels that way as well. I think that she has been so adamant about not seeing me since I’ve been home for the summer, because she will fall for me again and then her decision to be single for college will be that much more difficult. Maybe that’s just me hoping though.

I love this girl more than anything in the world and I wouldn’t think twice about taking a bullet for her. I know that at one point she loved me just as much. I have faith that she was telling me the truth by saying she didn’t stop loving me. Now my only hope is that I didn’t ruin that over the past two months.

 

And even though I know I shouldn't I still have hope, she gave me so many reasons to hold on to it:

*She still Loves me (I think)

*Her friends, her mom, and herself all have told me after the BU that I am perfect for her

*She told me several times during the BU that she thinks we will be together again sometime in the future

*During our relationship, there were multiple times that she mentioned that she thinks it's important for every couple to break up once before they get married(I never understood this, until the BU happened. That's when it really hit me how much I love this girl. I still can see myself spending the rest of my life with her)

 

 

If you’ve made it all the way through that, then I am extremely impressed, and thanks so much for reading! But now, tell me what you think.. Did I completely screw up by staying in contact with her every couple weeks for two months afterwards? I hope that I just annoyed her, but lately I feel like I may have completely driven her away. Maybe one day she’ll come back and give me another chance. I hope so.

Or maybe I just sound like a blabbering wuss. Let me know!

[Michael 93]

after reading that I can tell how much you loved this girl.

 

I'm much like you in the sense that I analyse things to death and look at what I could of done differently and maybe we would still be happy if I did this or that differently.

 

One thing I've come to understand is it simply doesn't matter any more, It is too late to say I can do this or that. Its just too late.. The only thing I can do is learn from it and try not to make those mistakes when I eventually find the next woman of my dreams.

 

I look back on almost ALL of the little things we had, good and bad. I've analysed literally every single thing you can imagine seriously I'm not kidding, but will it do any good? No. And more importantly.. It hasn't made a difference at all.

 

OP I am literally pleading with you to not break NC again!! I promise you No good will come of it. The best thing you can wish for is your ex to want you back right?

 

Well then the best way for that to come IS to PLEASE LEAVE IT ALONE.

 

If she wants you bad enough she will come.

 

The only thing to come out of breaking NC will be..

 

1.) Breadcrumbs

2.) You find out she's with someone else, she gives you details and tells you to move on and you analyse this for another 3 months

3.) goes crazy and tells you to leave her alone

4.) Gives you sympathy and tells you she's sorry and breaks you to pieces

5.) gives you short answers and you feel like a fool for initiating.

 

I have made the mistake of breaking NC numerous times. I have lost an awful amount of self respect. I please advise you to NOT do the same.

 

This girl knows how much you care, if she really wants you. She will have you.

 

Please try and do things for you. and make positive changes to your life.

 

Best wishes

 

Mike

[seaburg]

after reading that I can tell how much you loved this girl.

 

I'm much like you in the sense that I analyse things to death and look at what I could of done differently and maybe we would still be happy if I did this or that differently.

 

One thing I've come to understand is it simply doesn't matter any more, It is too late to say I can do this or that. Its just too late.. The only thing I can do is learn from it and try not to make those mistakes when I eventually find the next woman of my dreams.

 

I look back on almost ALL of the little things we had, good and bad. I've analysed literally every single thing you can imagine seriously I'm not kidding, but will it do any good? No. And more importantly.. It hasn't made a difference at all.

 

OP I am literally pleading with you to not break NC again!! I promise you No good will come of it. The best thing you can wish for is your ex to want you back right?

 

Well then the best way for that to come IS to PLEASE LEAVE IT ALONE.

 

If she wants you bad enough she will come.

 

The only thing to come out of breaking NC will be..

 

1.) Breadcrumbs

2.) You find out she's with someone else, she gives you details and tells you to move on and you analyse this for another 3 months

3.) goes crazy and tells you to leave her alone

4.) Gives you sympathy and tells you she's sorry and breaks you to pieces

5.) gives you short answers and you feel like a fool for initiating.

 

I have made the mistake of breaking NC numerous times. I have lost an awful amount of self respect. I please advise you to NOT do the same.

 

This girl knows how much you care, if she really wants you. She will have you.

 

Please try and do things for you. and make positive changes to your life.

 

Best wishes

 

Mike

 

I don't know how many times I've gone through in my head every single good and bad time I had with this girl, and wonder to myself how I could of acted differently. If I hadn't started one more argument, maybe this would have never happened. If I had stopped contacting her altogether right when she broke up with me, maybe I wouldn't have pushed her away and things would be different today. You're completely right, however, when you say that it simply doesn't matter anymore. I did what I did, and I can't go back and change my actions. I can only learn from my mistakes, apologize, and hope that one day she'll be able to forgive me. Will that happen? I'm not sure. But again it doesn't really matter, there's nothing I can do now but move on.

 

As far as breaking NC again goes, I promise I won't be communicating with her anymore. She's made it clear that is what she wants, I was just too thick to believe her.

It hasn't been too difficult sticking with NC for the last week, but today is going to be hard. It's her birthday today, and it kills me inside not to be able to wish someone I love happy birthday. But I know I can't .

 

Thanks Mike, for taking the time to read through that extremely long post of mine! I'm a terrible writer, but it was nice to get all my thoughts of the relationship out like that. Your feedback is much appreciated, and it's good to hear someone else tell me how important it is for me not to contact her anymore from here on out

[ProcessingThisBU]

Hello there. Same as Michael_93, I think you should stay in NC and not break it!. Yes you contacted her before and all that, and yes, you could spend your life thinking on the IFs. But to be truth to you man, I think you gave your best possible at the time. Don't be hard on yourself. You did what you did because at that particular moment you thought it was the right thing to do. So be it. Yes, all could be different but it is not, so it won't help you to think on the IFs. They don't exist.

 

Stay NC, gain perspective on your relationship, (this comes after a few weeks of NC, you start to see things more clearly). I tell you this because like you, I blamed myself a lot for my BU. But now after some time, I saw that I did everything I could at the moment, and I'm starting to feel more at peace with me because of that.

 

You are young man, you are gonna get through this. Stay NC. Work on yourself, think why you are needy with this woman, (been there too), and become someone stronger and happier with yourself. You did your best man, believe me.

[seaburg]

Hello there. Same as Michael_93, I think you should stay in NC and not break it!. Yes you contacted her before and all that, and yes, you could spend your life thinking on the IFs. But to be truth to you man, I think you gave your best possible at the time. Don't be hard on yourself. You did what you did because at that particular moment you thought it was the right thing to do. So be it. Yes, all could be different but it is not, so it won't help you to think on the IFs. They don't exist.

 

Stay NC, gain perspective on your relationship, (this comes after a few weeks of NC, you start to see things more clearly). I tell you this because like you, I blamed myself a lot for my BU. But now after some time, I saw that I did everything I could at the moment, and I'm starting to feel more at peace with me because of that.

 

You are young man, you are gonna get through this. Stay NC. Work on yourself, think why you are needy with this woman, (been there too), and become someone stronger and happier with yourself. You did your best man, believe me.

 

Thank you. I need to stop blaming myself for everything that happened. She had just as much to do with us pulling away as I did (her actions are what made me start to distance myself in the first place). I only wish that she would have put in the effort that I was willing to to give us another chance and work things out.

 

Right now I regret doing so much after the BU to try and save us because I feel like all I did by it was drag everything out which I'm sure was beyond annoying to her. But at the same time, like you said, I'll one day be able to look back and say that I did everything in my power to try and save us. And at the end of the day, it was her decision to follow a different path.

 

What are your thoughts? Do you think that I have indefinitely lost all her respect by dragging things out, to the point that she'll never be able to think of me the same or consider us getting together in the future? Or, like I mentioned, did I just annoy her by staying in contact but in the future she'll look past that and remember the real me?

[ProcessingThisBU]

What are your thoughts? Do you think that I have indefinitely lost all her respect by dragging things out, to the point that she'll never be able to think of me the same or consider us getting together in the future? Or, like I mentioned, did I just annoy her by staying in contact but in the future she'll look past that and remember the real me?

 

Check this. When my ex broke up with me, I didn't plead, I didn't beg, I didn't show her any guilt. (You can read my story here). It's been almost 5 months since BU, 2 of strict NC and she has not contacted me once.

 

Sometimes, and by what I've read here, I see that 98% of the people plead, beg, cry to them, try to convince them, etc. and then when things go very bad, they go NC. Even their GFs tells them to not contact them anymore in this life. BUT with some of the dumpers, (and this is from what I have read) after a while of being in NC, they came back looking for the dumpee, for whatever stupid reason. (Listen man, this is not intended to give you any hope, 'cause every situation is different, and for you is better to kill this hope that she will be coming back crying, saying it's her fault. Only when you kill this hope you can move forward). So in this crazy mental world after a BU, I have thought that maybe I should have at least showed her some cry, or guilt or something.... totally the opposite of what you're thinking. Idk, it's like looking for whatever that can work...

 

So, answering your question, I think that when you create the space between you and her with NC, all this drama and madness of the BU starts to fade away and she will remember you for who you are. Even some say that through time we only remember the good parts of the relationship, and that's why some people will come back crawling to their partners just to break up again in short time (because they forgot all the things that didn't like about them, and maybe both haven't worked on themselves).

 

That's why it's so important to work on you. Either when she comes back, you will be an improved version of yourself (which gives you more chances to get back with her) OR you will realize that she's not worth it and you deserve better (which is what I think). So as you can see this is the only way.